The Bittersweet End

This whole experience has been bittersweet, even to the very end.

I am blessed and lucky that I finally found my RPL solution. It has brought me two precious, beautiful little boys. But there are still days when I cry over the little ones I have lost. Without their sacrifice I would have never met LP and T.

There are days when I still desire three children, and days when two are more than enough. I can only hope and pray that if we decided to attempt a third that my treatments will continue to work. As only an RPL'er can know nothing is certain.

I am thankful for this place. This place brought me shelter when I could not find any. It was a safe place for me. Even though I will continue reading it won't be the same.

But I am happy that I feel comfortable enough to let go...

I would like to share some final thoughts about what I have learned:

- Don't be afraid to disagree with your doctor/s. A white coat does not mean he or she is Alpha and Omega. Doctors have biases just like everyone else, speak up!

- Above all, you are the patient. Therefore, YOU are in the driver seat. Listen to your instincts. After all, there is a reason you have them!

- If your doctor is not *listening* to you please, please, go shopping for another one! I don't care how many HIPPA forms and releases you have to sign, just do it!

- Just because it looks good on paper and sounds good on paper, sadly, it doesn't mean it will be good.

- Remember to find humor wherever you can. You will need it.

- Find something you love to do by yourself make it a weekly ritual. It will be a comfort to you during dark times.

- Make time for friends who *don't* understand or have your fertility issues. It's okay, and quite, nice to not talk about RPL/ Infertility. It will also allow you the mental break from it you need.

- Have friends who really understand the trials of the fertility world. You will need these people to hold your hand when you feel like your back is against the wall.

- Cut yourself some slack when Fertile Sue is having her 5th child and all you want to is smack her because she is complaining about tired she is. That also goes for the guilt, anger, and jealousy you'll feel when everyone one in the world is pregnant but you... including your best friend.

- For the love of all things good *DO NOT* attend a baby shower if it brings you too much sadness and pain. Make up any excuse needed or if they know your situation politely, but honestly, decline and drop the gift card in the mail.

- When it all comes down to it, you can have a family. It may not look like the one you had in mind. It may not arrive the way you thought it would. It may not even look the way others want. But you can have a family all your own.

- Even when you find yourself on the other side of the fertility all the same feelings can and will creep up- they will forever be with you.
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I promise to never forget how lucky I am at the end of the day. Never.

I am ready now.

Love, hugs, and well wishes always my friend.

Preparing

I have been thinking about how to end my blog. This isn't the final post but I think it's a great one to lead up to it.

It wasn't until I read R&R's recent post that it knew how to start the end.

For me it starts with T, Triumph, our newest family member.

When I finally accepted that I was going to give birth to another live baby, I thought about the scene in French Kiss with Meg Ryan. She is talking in a phone booth about getting her fiancee back and she says, "I will triumph..." while crying and shaking her fist in the air. You know the scene, right?

Well, that's what I thought. I have triumphed.

So how does R&R play into this?

Her post is about being ready. Ready to meet the newest life that she and her husband created.

Ready.

Funny word.

Are we ever really ready for anything? Lord, knows I have tried to prepare myself for various things over the years. Passing tests, getting into graduate school, losing and making friends, the loss of my mom, losing pregnancy after pregnancy, and finally, the chance to prepare for parenting. Most of it I was prepared for. The rest of it? Though I had no idea at the time, I was prepared. I had all the tools I needed but I only realized it in hindsight.

When LP was on his way I distinctly remember rubbing my belly and saying, "Okay, kid. It's you and me. Give me until May 1st and I will be ready anytime after that."

He came into the world May 3rd.

With T, we were preparing for induction. I was having regular contractions but nothing was going on when I went for appointments. So I continued preparing to leave work, getting the house in order, and packing up LP for his trip to the grandparents. About two days before induction I rubbed my belly, after a long bout of contractions, and said, "Give me two more days, kid. Two days, we'll be ready."

The day I went in, I was suddenly 3cm dilated, when 2 days before I wasn't.

How do we know when we are ready?

All this time the answer has been so simple I never really saw it before.

We just are.

Southern Snow

"Thank you God for the snow that muffles the noisy world." - LP's book

My Boys

Quick Nutshell

I could not have asked for a better labor, when I arrived I was already 3cm :)

After 14 hours, including 1-1/2 hours of pushing, LP's little BROTHER arrived!!

Pictures will follow soon- I hope :) Lord help me- a house full of boys!