The Year of Betterness - A Guest Post

For some reason, we thought that tossing out the BCPs ceremoniously on New Years was a great idea.  Now it just gives us a very obvious marker of how long we've been trying.  It's been two years.  I know many people have been on this road for much longer, and I can't imagine how doing this year after year would wear on a person and a marriage.  I do know that we went through so much in 2012 alone.  Three IUIs, two fresh IVFs, one FET, one laproscopy/hysteroscopy/D&C, and two months of Lupron Depot therapy.  We are determined to grab 2013 by horns and make it "The Year of Betterness."  After all, we will find resolution this year.  Whether it's the ending we're hoping for or an unforeseen path, it will still be a resolution and we are excited about that.  My husband is much better about talking about this than I am, so I'll let him do it...

My wife casually mentioned the other day, “Will you write about our Year of Betterness?” For a brief moment, I was confused. In my defense, I was watching Iron Chef and pondering how Mortadella, a strange amalgam of pork slurry with pistachios extruded into person sized logs, constituted fine cuisine. As my daze lifted, I agreed with a half-hearted yet enthusiastic, “Uh, okay.”

A day removed, I sit in my office and try to write, yet remain confused. Allow me to explain.

Go and ask your loved one or co-worker the question, “Define better.” Chances are the most common response will go something like this, “What do you mean, better?” or a simple confused look. If the other person responds by using the word better to define better, than call it a day and send the person away.

Dictionary.com defines better as “of superior quality or excellence” which would in turn lead to the justified conclusion that 2012 was of lesser quality. By all accounts, this is a fair and true assessment because 2012 has been a disappointment. No champagne wishes and caviar dreams here. Let’s be honest, it was crap-tastic. Time wasn’t measured in days and months. It was measured in IVF cycles, injections, appointments, and a lot of wait and see. The wait and see was the worst part. It served as a reminder that as time moved forward, our collective feet were mired in concrete.

The casual reader would and rightly so interpret this to mean that it would have been better if 2012 never happened. This is where we would part company. As crazy as it may sound, I learned a lot about life, friends, and the relationship I have with my wife. Some of these lessons were bitter-sweet, but in the end I learned that my marriage can withstand anything. Love you babe.

This leads to the whole point of my inconsistent ramblings. Will 2013 be better than 2012?

1. Nothing today is promised tomorrow. So make the most of today.
2. Choose the happy. Whether we like it or not, it’s up to us.
3. More bacon. Rumors of a price increase have been dispelled. So let them eat bacon.
4. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. Listen to it once every day and I dare you not to smile.

I have no idea what 2013 holds for us as a family, but it should be interesting. In closing, I want to leave everyone with one of my favorite quotes and true words to live by from Coach Jimmy Valvano:

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.”

Holiday Recap

We made it home for the holidays after our flight cancellation and thankfully, we ended up with a cancelled flight on the other end!  I got to make up half of my cancelled time!  Yippee!  What's weird is I moved away almost 11 years ago and this is the first time I've ever run into flight cancellations.  Unfortunately direct flights to anywhere from here are few and far between, so that's life, I suppose!

We ran into some baby situations that I don't think were handled the best and I wanted to know y'all's opinions on better ways to handle such things.  Background on situation one:  Since the beginning of time, we've spent Christmas evening with one aunt/uncle set and their kids.  As we've grown up, it's become sort of fragmented as far as my cousins go.  They have four kids.  One lives out of state so we never see them.  Another spends the day with his wife's family so we don't see them either.  The third is hit or miss.  If they do come over we only see them for an hour or so.  The fourth is always there with her husband and three kids. She and I are close and she has been a great support though our journey.  The third cousin is almost 40, as is his wife.  They just had a baby about two weeks ago.  My mom knew that J and I would not be comfortable spending our Christmas with a newborn, especially one whose parents we aren't particularly close to.  She was working behind the scenes trying to get my aunt/uncle and youngest cousin to just come over to our house to avoid the whole "dropping by with the baby" debacle  but my aunt just really wanted us to all come over and hang out with the baby.  In the end, my mom just told her we weren't coming.  Thankfully with the flight cancellation I did get to see my aunt and cousin four for lunch, but my aunt mentioned at least three times how sad it was that we didn't come over. I just kept changing the subject.

I know that eventually the baby thing will be fine and won't really phase us, but things are really raw right now.  When I see newborns and hear them cry, I just feel my heart ripping out of my chest.  I can't handle it right now.  I'm thankful that my mom knew all of this without even bringing it up and attempted to get it all under control for us, but I also hate to think that we asked others to adjust their plans for us.  On the other hand, there were apparently a few miscarriages before this baby came along, so why there wasn't a little sensitivity towards us is beyond me.

The other situation I'm the least proud of and I don't know how to approach things now.  My best friend back home.  Now, some of you may remember that she wasn't always the most supportive, but she really has come around.  A few weeks ago I emailed to see when we could get together over the holidays.  I got a heart wrenching email from her, letting me know that she is pregnant with the girl they had been trying for.  And by trying for I mean gender, not actually struggling to get pregnant.  It really was the sensitive email we would all hope to get from a friend announcing their pregnancy.  I wrote back and thanked her for the email and told her all of my fears about friends drifting away and just being in a weird life place.  She sent me an "I love you" text and I of course threw back and "I love you too."  Then I didn't hear from her until the day we were flying out.  I let her know that things were crazy with the flight cancellation and that I'd text her in the morning.  She said we could come by in the morning that day if we were free.  Time got away from us and I didn't text her.  This was partly because I honestly was trying to cram all of our family time in, partly because I didn't have a car with which to go see her, and partly because I couldn't bring myself to face the perfect pregnant belly that completes the family she'd always hoped for. They are wonderful parents and I really am happy, but I'm also tremendously jealous and scared that her life is so different from mine at this point that were drifting away.  I feel like such a schmo.  Someone tell me what to do!

Take THAT Catholicism

For Christmas Mass, we ended up at the Super Conservative Church that my mom promised we'd never have to go back to.  My mother said that it was either that or the church with all the babies, and she'd made the executive decision that there were too many babies all Christmased-up at the other church for any of us to feel comfortable.  So off to the church of closed mindedness we go.

During the petitions, the following prayer was made, "For the protection of the sanctity of life, from natural conception to natural death."  I reached over and linked pinkies with J.  Just a little movement. I don't know if the words "natural conception" were enough to startle my mom too or if she saw my little finger move, but she leaned over and said the best thing ever...

"Even Mary didn't conceive naturally."

I may have laughed in church.

@*&#^!

We were supposed to be getting on a plane to go see my family in a couple of hours, but our flight has been cancelled.  There are no other available flights until Sunday afternoon.  I get 2.5 days with my family.  We've spent all day trying to find a way to get there sooner or stay later, but it's not going to happen (unless all of my Thursday patients happened to call and cancel today... which did not happen).

Most frustrating?  A dear friend from back home planned a lunch for us with friends from GRADE SCHOOL just to cheer us up and now we'll miss it.  I only see my grade school friends every couple of years.  They are amazing people and yes it is awesome that we are still in touch (we had a last minute, thrown together reunion a couple years ago and out of our class of 23, 22 showed up.  Heck, people from other classes came).  I'll still get to see my friend since she lives nearby and hopefully I can get together with the others for some late night shenanigans, but she planned it all as a surprise and we had to ruin it.

I'm so disappointed!  UNIVERSE!!!!  YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!  It's like you just said, "Well hello Hapa Hopes family!  What's that?  You had a shitty year and are really looking forward to friend and family time?  I can't let that happen!  I shall send in a giant snow storm to fuck with you!"  Bite me Universe!  2013 is the Year of Betterness and you can suck it!

Pressure

There have been a lot of thoughts swirling in my head lately.  Maybe it’s the upcoming visit home, maybe it’s the Lupron, or maybe it’s just reality sinking in.

In about 6 weeks or so we will start stimming again. I can’t stop thinking about how this is our last chance at making a biological child.  We will do this fresh cycle and use any frosties it produces, but if this bunch of embryos doesn’t make a baby, we will start looking at a child-free life.  So if this is it, am I doing absolutely everything I should be?  I’ve been running and eating well, but is it enough?  Should I put down the Diet Coke?  What about the cookies that patient brought in, can I have just one?  Am I doing everything I possibly can to give us the best chance at a pregnancy?  Will I feel guilty if I don’t get my weight down to the magic number and it doesn’t work?  I'm making myself crazy with this crap.

*********

The other day a coworker asked me what our next steps are.  This isn’t someone I typically share details on our journey with simply because we aren’t close, but I’m a loudmouth and frequently babble on about my reproductive status, so I figured I'd answer her.  I told her that we were doing our last IVF cycle and she said, “So if it doesn’t work, you start adoption?”  “No,” I answered.  “We aren’t looking at adoption right now.”  She said, “But there are so many children out there that need homes.”  “Not exactly,” I answered.  “Well, in other countries there are.”

I tried explaining how we feel right now.  J and I have fought for absolutely everything in our lives.  We are both the first generation of Americans in our families to go to college (well, on one side for me at least).  We both paid/are still paying our own way through school.  We were both thrust into independent adult lives well before we were ready and learned the ropes ourselves.  We both spent many years searching unsuccessfully for someone to share our lives with.  As soon as we found each other, we started fighting to create a family.  We’re done fighting.  We have so much.  We have our educations, our careers, and most importantly, we have each other.  I told this coworker that we weren’t ready to jump on another emotional rollercoaster and we wanted to spend time enjoying what we had instead of fighting for what we don’t.  Her response?  “Well, that’s a shame.”  I really think she meant that our failing to “save an orphan” was what was shameful.  It was not meant to soothe.

This really stung and stuck with me.  It’s not like this woman doesn’t know what adoption entails.  I work with several women who have adopted both domestically and internationally (and there are only about 20 people in my whole office).  The women who had international adoptions had expenses out the wazoo and emotional worries about visas and all the time those babies had to spend in orphanages without them.  She saw the failed adoptions that the women who chose domestic adoption had to go though before they brought their babies home (both of them had either a baby in their arms for days or were about to board a plane when the adoption fell through).  She knows it isn’t a walk in the park, but I should still jump right in?

Should we be adopting because that’s what the world expects us to do?  Of course not.  That’s ridiculous.  As much as I hate to admit it, I’m the kind of person who worries about what other people think.  I don’t want people thinking that we are selfish unkind people because we choose not to adopt.  I am underpaid because I work at a non-profit with children who have disabilities, many of whom are on public assistance.  I stay in my underpaid job because I love being able to directly help these families, and yet I still feel like I have to prove my niceness.  Messed up, yes?

How do I get people to leave me the heck alone and take their judgments elsewhere? 

My Pal the Duchess

News of the Royal Pregnancy was irksome to our little community for all of the reasons we know so well.  For J and me, it was especially gut punching.  Enough that when I came home from work that day,he grabbed me in a big hug as soon as I walked in the door and I knew exactly why.  It was the royal bun in the oven news.

See, we got married the day after they did.  Ever since they announced their wedding date, teasing and jokes comparing our life to theirs ensued and it has been kind of fun.  Kate had her prince and I had mine.  Kindred spirits and all that.  Hardy har har.

It seems ridiculous to feel sad about it, I know.  I'm sure it's a combination of things.  Of course there's the fear that since so many people link their wedding with ours, that opens up more opportunities for the "So William and Kate are having a baby, aren't you gunna catch up?" comments.  Catch up my ass!  We started trying before the damned wedding!  And like everyone else, I am not looking forward to six more months of baby talk.

I think the biggest thing is that it's a huge public marker of our life of limbo. Everyday we hear something else about the royal fetus.  They got married, they're having a baby.  We got married at the same time, we're having a.... well... we did just put our names on a waiting list for a new puppy.  Does that count?

I'm just tired of feeling like life is moving past us at warp speed.  In the long run, I'm sure it isn't important.  I'm sure that it's better for us to sit here and learn all the lessons we are supposed to be learning on this journey.  There are so many days lately where I see the strength I've gained and little sparks of wisdom that I know wouldn't be manifesting themselves if it weren't for being forced to deal with this crap road.  At the same time, I'm watching friends and family move away from our little circle of life because we just don't fit.  We don't even fit with our royal cognates anymore.

At least I think that's it.  Maybe I've just officially fallen off my rocker.

MUST EAT ALL THE THINGS!!!!

Before I started Lupron I was trying to figure out where all of this insane weight gain people talked about came from.  One does not gain 50 lbs of water weight in 3 months.  All of these women are out there on the internets talking about the magic weight gain from Lupron.  They swear they stuck to healthy diets, blah, blah, blah.

Those chicks are totally lying.

I swear to you people, I feel like I am STARVING 24 hours a day.  There is not satiating me.  My husband just came over to kiss me goodnight and I told him he'd better book it upstairs before I eat him. 

This SUCKS!!

I am sticking to the diet, though, dammit!  I plan out what I will eat that day and that is IT!  I remind my stupid brain that if it really feels the need for more sustenance, there is one hell of a stockpile on my thighs just waiting to be raided.

Alright, off to bed before I eat my chair.

Still Kickin'

I'm still alive!  Lupron hasn't chucked me down to the depths.  Actually - I'm doing pretty darned good.

The first couple of weeks I had a major increase in pain, which is normal, and that was less than enjoyable.  However, it was nice to be able to feel more confident that certain areas where I felt pain were actually endo related.  I'm talkin' 'bout the poop chute, my friends.

There's  no such thing as TMI on this blog, ladies.  Sorry to warn you after the fact.

Anywho, I still have some tailbone pain that I would really like to go away.  The hot flashes are not fun, but they are manageable.  The mood swings are dramatic enough that I can recognize that I'm being completely irrational (Turkey soup, people.  I started a fight about turkey soup.).  I have noticed some joint pain over the past few days and I'm not excited about that.  Hopefully it's temporary.  Shot numero dos is Thursday.

My in-laws were supposed to be here for Thanksgiving.  My father-in-law has been being a stubborn old Korean man and not listing to his doctors having gallbladder issues, so we made an executive decision that made me feel like one of "those" adult children.  We told them we weren't cool with their "let's drive 5 hours to the air port and spend 8 hours flying across the country while seriously ill" plan and convinced them to stay home.  It worked, though!  He moved up his surgery consult (and learned that his gallbladder isn't even functioning at this point, so I'm glad they didn't travel) and scheduled a date.  They say he should be fine once it comes out.

The weight loss is happening!  I'm down 5 pounds.  I'd have to lose about 12.5 more to hit the RE's goal before we start stimming, and since that should happen in about 7 more weeks, I'm thinking I'm not going to get there.  Seriously, why did I let a man convince me this would be a piece of cake?  A tall man at that.  I'm going to keep going and get as close as I can.  My eating habits have been very healthy, and even though my calories are restricted to short girl levels, I'm not starving.  I've been running a lot and my shins are starting to let me know that's not okay, so I'm going to have to hike my butt down to the gym and haul myself on an elliptical I suppose.  I hate ellipticals.  My feet are too small and slide all over the place and I can barely reach the handles.  It's like watching an uncoordinated gerbil try to run up a crooked, giant wheel.

I don't know if it's the Lupron or the time off from the baby-makin' train, but I'm felt my old self coming back at times.  There have been moments of... dare I say it... giddiness.  I actually feel guilty for feeling happy during this little spurts.  It's like part of me thinks I need to give my grief it's due and be sad forever.  Obviously this is ridiculous and I've told that part of me to shut it.

That's life in a nutshell at the moment.  Just boring enough to have nothing to write about and enjoying it.

Facing the Possibilities

I had my first in a set of three monthly Lupron Depot injections this morning.  I had to bring it in to get it done at the RE’s office.  It was a complicated little thing with chambers and what not.  This was an IM shot, but the needle was WAY thinner than the PIO shots, so it didn’t hurt at all.  Now we wait and see what happens I suppose.  Bring on the hot flashes!

J and I have been having a rough time lately.  We both realized that part of our reluctance to stop treatment was because we were afraid of the grief that would follow.  We just weren’t ready to face it.  So we’ve been letting a little in, learning to face the possibility of a life without children.  Thanks to wonderful role models in our community like Pam and Loribeth, it doesn’t seem as scary as it once did.  It’s not the alternative that we are hoping for, but we will certainly be able to live a happy and fulfilled life just the two of us.

But here come the holidays.  They are smacking us on our asses.

We have suddenly found ourselves gripped with fear over what holidays could be like when we’re old and don’t have grandchildren.  We have such a lovely and supportive family as it is that as long as we still have siblings to tag along with, we’ll be fine.  What happens when those siblings have grandchildren and we don’t?  Do we still hang with them on the holidays?  Will we be weird Auntie Lisa and Uncle J who don’t have their own grandkids to fuss over?  It’s probably ridiculous.  We’ll make our life up for ourselves as we go and I’m sure it will be fine, but it’s really made some realities sink in.  If we don’t have kids, we won’t have grandkids either. Not only will our immediate future be very different than what we envisioned, but the far future will be as well.  We don’t have role models for that yet.

I had a long talk with my mom about all this.  She said she already knew how I was feeling and that she thinks the fact that my brother is planning a wedding doesn’t help.  She’s right on some level. I love my future SIL and I’m thrilled for them, but they are in the happy lovey stage that will probably continue on for them.  They will get married and not have to worry about infertility, unlike J and I who have been TTC since before our wedding.  They’ll have happy healthy babies and all will be swell.  I truly hope it works out that way for them, but I worry about where I will fit in with my mom if this last cycle doesn’t work out and my brother brings along a brood of grandbabies.

So that’s where I’ve been.  Pondering and plowing through thoughts.  My Reader now has more blogs in the “pregnant” folder than the “still trying” folders.  I’ve slowed down on adding new blogs to my reader because I feel like I’m collecting fresh blogs to torture myself with.  I don’t mean that to sound harsh.  I want to be as supportive of this community as possible, but it feels like whenever I start reading a new swath of bloggers, I watch them all get pregnant one by one while I’m still facing the stark white windows.  No matter how happy I am for them, it adds to my sadness.  Whenever I open my reader these days the post titles are full of bump dates and it breaks my heart a little.  It’s awesome to see so many people coming out on the other side, but I’m feeling left behind while I watch all of you go on to your happy shiny lives?

Where are all of my sisters in massive failure?

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

We were really anxious about our WTF appointment today. We were so worried that he’d say, “We have no idea why you aren’t pregnant, but if you just keep trying I’m sure it will eventually work. “  That would not be something we were looking forward to hearing.  We want to look towards the end of this roller coaster.  If there’s nothing else to try, we want to know it.  None of this, “just keep trying” hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives.

Dr. Awesome started off by saying that he was really disappointed and that their whole team felt confident that they’d found a solution for us in our FET cycle.  He said he went back over my records to see if there was anything that could have been missed and he couldn’t come up with anything.  I ovulate.  My FSH is a little high, but my AMH and AFC are great and I respond really well.   My tubes are open.  My uterus looks healthy on hysteroscopy.  I don’t have any adhesions or scar tissue in my pelvis.  I’m relatively young in infertility land.

I brought up everything I could think of.  I’m sure I sounded like a babbling idiot.  I mentioned the auto-immune response I had from LASIK.  I brought up the really bad (I mean really bad) mono that resulted in hepatitis when I was 15.  I asked if my well controlled B12 deficiency could be at play.  The nice doctor humored the crazy lady.

The fact of the matter is, the only thing we know I have is endometriosis.

He thinks I’m one of the small subset of women with endo that is affected on a cellular level and my egg quality is suffering from it.  This would explain our poor fertilization and need for ICSI as well.  So what he wants to do is a 3 month Lupron course to put any endo that may be lingering into a dormant state.  We’d then go straight into a fresh IVF cycle.  That way, none of the eggs I would make in the fresh cycle would have ever been exposed to any endo.  Oh, and no “add-back” therapy as long as I can stand it.  My husband has decided that since I will be in “menopause” he should be entitled to a mid-life crisis.  I think not.

We’ll also be adding some LH in with stims as well to see if that helps.

This is where I opened my big mouth.  I asked if there should be any supplements I should be taking or diet changes I should make while we have 3 months to work with.  Time to bring up the elephant in the room!  When we started this road, I was just inside the normal weight range.  After 3 IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET and a lap I am smack in the middle of overweight land.  So Dr. Awesome recommended getting myself back down to a BMI under 25.  Being a man, he thought this should be no problem!

So I have 3 months to lose 17 pounds.  While on Lupron.  During the holidays.  Might as well put me in handcuffs, light me on fire, and charge admission while you’re at it, doc!  But I will do it, dammit.  You know why?  Because this is our last shot and weight is the only thing I can control in this mess.  If this fails, I don’t want to look back and wonder if losing weight would have made the difference.  So I will go back to my nutritionist’s totally depressing eating plan.  I will get my ass on the treadmill.  I will do all the meal prep and planning ahead needed to get though the next three months, including the holidays.

Bring on the salads.

Crap Day Recap and Some Photos

You know when you have one of those crap days?  We had one of those crap days today.  I found out that there was a mix up at the clinic and my FSH labs didn't get "posted" correctly so they didn't get done.  Awesome.  I didn't really want to know what they were - my insurance did.  So now I have to get off BCPs at some point and have another period, which my RE wanted to avoid, so I can get it drawn again.  I will raise holy hell if I have to pay another copay for it.  I'm still bitter about paying one in the first place.

It might be a moot point anyway.  J found out that his company is switching insurance providers.  We've been very lucky with insurance coverage thus far.  We had a crap time with drugs in the beginning, but things have gotten much better with the new clinic.  If it weren't for insurance coverage, we would not be able to try to have a child - no way we could afford it.  My husband works for an MA based company, so we really lucked out.  I know this, and I'm not posting this to rub it in.  We have no idea what the new plan will cover or what their "rules" are for coverage.  I managed to find their infertility bulletin online and I THINK we'll be okay, but I really have no idea.  I would really rather not try to cram in our last cycle before the end of the year.  We won't even know what our coverage will look like until the middle of November.  I REALLY wanted to make this last fresh cycle the best it could be.  Try not to be as relaxed as I can, not be traveling to my mom's, not be hosting my in-laws... all of these things do not mix with the holidays!  I wanted a little break!

My clinic says that 90% of the time they have no problems with out upcoming insurance company, but that they are sometimes denied for surprising reasons.  We're leaning towards sticking with our original plan and if we do a final fresh cycle, we'll hope for the best or take out a loan.  I don't know.  I'm tired of being stressed ALL THE TIME.  Anyone out there with BCBS of MA have any tips to share?

In an attempt to relax, I'm going to post photos from our trip to the mountains.  I forgot to post them earlier!

Hunger Games!

Selfishness

It's a topic that's been on my mind lately.  Does my fervent perusal of fertility treatment make me selfish?  It's an argument that the fertile crew tends to make.  They say that trying to use technology to have a baby when you've been diagnosed with infertility is selfish.  You'll find reference to this train of thought in the comments section of any public article on infertility. I'm sure you've all seen it.

But how is it really selfish?  Being selfish means that you are putting your wants and needs ahead of others.  How is my perusal of pregnancy hurting anyone else?  My husband isn't being drug behind me by his hair.  He wants this as badly as I do.  I'm not putting anyone ahead of me.  I work just as hard as I always have.  I don't ask for special favors.  I may have asked for more compassion from my friends than I typically do, but doesn't anyone who is going through a major life event?  True - by seeking treatment the grieving process has been extended and we've asked for support for quite some time.  If we had just accepted our fate and not moved forward with treatment, we wouldn't have had constant months of ups and downs.  I've only asked for support from friends, though.  Two of those friends high-tailed it out of dodge and left us in the dust, but others stuck around and continue to love us just as they always have. 

Is it because I have a hard time celebrating other people's pregnancies and births?  That's always going to be a struggle by virtue of the disease.  It isn't treatment that makes me feel grief over my lack of children, it's infertility.

Is it the overpopulation argument?  Because that's a bunch of crap.  We'll just leave that there.

Is it because people think that by not fulfilling the moral obligation to adopt that infertility has apparently inflicted on me that I'm sending a child off to face a lifetime of foster care and group homes?  If this were even an argument worth entertaining, the question remains, isn't it selfish of anyone to have a biological child rather than adopt?  And by that same vein, what does it mean when my husband and I are planning to remain childless if we aren't able to have a biological child?  Are we doubly selfish?

Or maybe it's because of the popular adage, "children are a gift."  You can't try to force a gift upon yourself, right?  By the same token, people say that life is a gift, but you don't see anyone saying, "You know what?  I'm not going to try to keep that leg.  Let the gangrene take me.  It's selfish of me to try to force the gift of life upon myself." I can see that life isn't tangible though, while a child is in essence. 

Is it the money?  Do people see those of us pursuing treatment as being flush with cash that they think could be better used elsewhere?  After all, the high cost of IVF is widely discussed.  Some of us are lucky enough to have insurance coverage, but most aren't.  Instead we make many sacrifices to be able to afford treatment.  The biological predilection is that strong.  The general public doesn't see that or get that, but money can't be the whole basis for the accusations of selfishness, can it?

So where does this selfishness notion come from?  More importantly, how can I be sure that I'm not acting from a self-centered urge.

Here's Me!

I'm participating in Stupid Stork's Video Challenge, so my movie is below.  I'm not sure how long I'll be brave enough to leave this bad boy up for!  It's entirely too long and I apologize for my wayward eyeballs.  Apparently I didn't know where to put them.

(Took it down, people!  Hiding my face from you.  Mwhaahaahaha)

October ICLW

Welcome to my corner of the blogosphere. I wish I could give you a happy hearty welcome, but things have been a bit sad for us the past week.  Here's the bulleted lowdown:

• Started trying almost 2 years ago.
• Started treatment a little over a year ago.
• Have done 3 IUIs, 2 fresh IVFs, and 1 FET.  
• Never had a positive pregnancy test.
• I have endometriosis (stage II removed in June), but we aren't sure if all of the epic failure can be chalked up to that.
• Our WTF is in another week.  If there is something different to try, we will try a fresh cycle after the new year.  If there isn't, we'll do a Hail Mary transfer with our remaining frostie and end treatment then.

This week has been rough.  Both my husband, J, and I will randomly break into tears.  We're feeling very lost and frightened about the prospect of what comes next.  We have decided to live a child free life if treatment doesn't work out.

And that's the spiel   I'm generally a pretty happy person, just not in a very happy place at the moment.  It will get better... promise.

A Tale of Two Emails

On the day of our Beta, I got some interesting emails.  The first was from my mother.  It said the following:

"I know you are at work and you are trying to hold on.  I am so sorry. 

Have you and [J] considered a surrogate?  I know I’m an old woman, but older women than me have done this for their daughters.   I’ll be your oven if you want me to be.  I’ll even give up Diet Coke!"

I seriously have the best mother ever.  When I called her to tell her that I didn't feel comfortable having my 58 year old mother (who will easily be at least 59 by the time any baby is born) risk her health by carrying our child, she was crushed.  "But I've done it three times!"  she cried.  I explained that we don't even know if surrogacy would be an answer and reminded her that a) her son is planning a wedding and b) she has osteoporosis and c) she lives over 800 miles away.  She sobbed on the phone with me.  She feels so much pain.  My sister keeps her children away from my mother.  She has three grandchildren that she has met one time each.  She isn't allowed to talk to them, see them, or send them gifts.  When I think about the fact that I may not be able to give that hole a little patch for her, it makes my bones ache.  The kicker is that she doesn't even think about that.  Her pain is only a reflection of our pain.

Then I got another message.  This was from a friend who didn't know about our negative yet.  It was from someone who has been a darned good friend, actually, and she was emailing to check in on us.  Here is a highlight:

"Just throwing this out there, but have you thought about maybe ... just enjoy each other for a while.  You never know what can happen when you just relax and maybe let it happen?"   

Thankfully she ended it with:

"...you can tell me to jump off a bridge if you want!!"  

!*@#&

I called my mother back pissed as hell.  I totally knew my mom was going to say "She's coming from a good place and she means well."  I know that's the truth, but STILL!  Instead my mom was totally with me in the ridiculousness   It was J who called me down to earth.

"She's been a really good friend to you," he reminded me.  He's right.  I'm sure this is information coming from her mother.  I could almost hear her voice when I was reading it, actually.  This sort of "relax" information is what's out there in the world.  It's what our parents believed and what their parents believed and the media likes to perpetuate it.  She really is trying to be helpful, no matter how misguided it is.  And J pointed out that I have had some supposedly good friends who have completely disappeared.  He asked me which I would rather... the friends who check in and support us, but make occasionally stupid comments, or the friends who have left us in the dust?

I'd really rather they were all like my mom, offering up their wombs in recognition of our pain.  That's a tad bit unrealistic though, so I guess I'll take the misguided but well meaning comments.  I'll write her back and gently remind her that infertility is a disease and that relaxing doesn't cure endometriosis any more than it cures diabetes... and so it goes...

Why My New RE Is Awesome

A nurse called yesterday to give us the results and told us to schedule a WTF.  Later that morning I was with a patient and saw my phone light up with the clinic's number.  Dang it!  About 30 minutes later my husband's face appeared on my phone.  Double dang it!  He never calls my cell at work because he knows I keep my ringer off (I have a fear that I will turn on a kid's implant for the first time right when my phone rings and my ringer will become the first sound they hear).  As soon as my kiddo left I called J back.

He said that Dr. Awesome called him after he couldn't get in touch with me and sounded almost upset when relaying his reaction to our negative beta.  He was really hopeful that we would have a positive since everything went so well in the lab.  He thought the addition of HCG to the medium and the additions of Medrol and baby asprin to the regimen would do the trick.  Dr. Awesome didn't have any brilliant ideas right off the bat, but he promised to comb through the records from the old clinic, look at the cycle sheets from round 1 and round 2 and see if there is anything he would do differently.  He couldn't promise that there was since I stimmed so well both times and made seemingly good embies on round two, three of which cultured to blast for our FET.  J pointed out that 6 embies have now been transferred, 4 of which were certified as dang good, so could there be an implantation issue?  Dr. Awesome was honest in reporting that we don't really know and probably never will.  My ute looked good on hysteroscopy and we treated the questionable endometritis aggressively.  There's also still a question of embryo "goodness."  As we all know, looking good under the microscope doesn't really mean much in the end.

I can appreciate that so much of what happens with implantation is crazy complex.  Hearing is the same way.  Believe it or not, there is a lot we don't know about the function of the ear and most of the time I can't tell a family why their child is deaf.  It's just too complicated to know.  Too many genes involved, cells, vasculature, ion exchanges, mechanical and chemical reactions.  I'm sure implantation is a similarly complex.  It's just so frustrating to not have answers and to not have something to "fix."  We've tested negative for MFI, clotting disorders, PCOS, thyroid issues, STDs, tubal issues, parvo... wait, that was the dog.

I'm really grateful that he called, and even more grateful that J and I are open enough with each other that he was able to ask all the questions I would have been able to come up with in such a state.  I'm glad that Dr. Awesome is honest with us and that he's willing to dig around to see if there is anything he can do for us.  In the meantime, I'll wait for our WTF and gather my thoughts.  If he can't think of something new to try, we probably won't do another fresh.  If he can, we probably will after the new year.  I'm nervous about taking a few months off because I know that our biggest benefit right now is riding the wings of a recent lap.  I also know that that magic 35th birthday is looming oh so closely.  I just don't want to attempt an IVF cycle over the holidays, we're plumb out of dough, and I need to get some weight off.  Until then, I'm going to be healthy and try to turn my body into something I can at least tolerate for the time being.  I'll work on actually liking it when this is all over, I suppose.

Thank You and Recognitions

I'm so humbled by the beautiful comments and emails.  I'm touched that so many people were rooting for us, even people whose pregnancy journeys I haven't had the heart to keep up with recently.  You are all such amazing women.  It sucks so badly that this is how we had to get to know each other.

We lit a candle in tonight and put it in our front window in honor of infant and pregnancy loss.  We figured we wanted to set out a light on loss for all to see.  Even if passersby didn't know why the crazy childless couple with the mean dog had a candle in their window, maybe they would google it or stop to ask some day.  I can't imagine what horrible pain a loss would be, no matter what the gestational age.  Tonight we remember our sisters, brothers, and their babies.  You are true warriors.

Beta

Sorry for the lack of posting.  We were out of town and I was trying to avoid my crazies.  What a bunch of crap.

Beta this morning was a big fat 0.  I was really hoping, y'all.  Really hoping.  We are very, very sad and aren't quite sure what to do next.  Another fresh cycle is tempting, but if we have more frosties... then what?  We drag this out some more with more FETs we have no hope for?  We still have the one frostie, but we're reluctant to base a whole cycle on that one little guy, unless we're ready for our Hail Mary FET, which we aren't sure about.  As ridiculous as it sounds, at this point I feel like I'm sending perfectly good embies off to their deaths.  Unfortunately I have to submit my FSA contribution info by the 26th and my WTF isn't until the 30th.

I don't know what to do.  I really don't.  We are so broken-hearted.  My poor husband cried his eyes out.  Nothing hurts more than the feeling that I've robbed him of a biological child.

They Really Are All Crazy

On Friday I spent most of the day doing some testing with our post-doc.  She's an MD, PhD.  You know, a super intelligent, science minded woman.  Like everyone else in my office, she knows what we've been up to in the department of uterine invasions.

I was giving her a ride back to my office, somehow the topic of having babies came up and I said something along the lines of, "I honestly can't fathom how anyone gets pregnant naturally at this point."  You guys, I can't believe the crap that came next.

"My husband just has to touch me and I get pregnant."
"You guys just need more time."
"It will happen, you just need to relax."
"My friend went through IVF and it didn't work, then she adopted and poof!  She got pregnant."

I'm not even sure she took a breath between the above statements.  I said, "Ming, I'm on my 3rd transfer.  This is not about relaxing or being patient."  That didn't satisfy her either.

At that moment, I was so sick and tired of our trials being trivialized.  We're coming up on two years, here.  Two years of trying is nothing to shake a stick at.  Our year of treatment contains plenty of "proof" that we have suffered.  So I laid it out there.

"They have to physically inject J's sperm into my eggs because it doesn't happen on its own."

She giggled.

"No really.  On our first round, we let nature take its course in the dish and it didn't work."
"Really?"
"Really."
"So you really can't get pregnant on your own?"
"I wouldn't go through all of this if I could."

That shut her up.

It gave me a new perspective.  A very smart woman with multiple medical degrees was somehow going through her life thinking that IVF was less than necessary.  Even she believed that fertility is a function of relaxation level rather than a biologic mechanism.  The cultural views on baby making must be insanely deep if that can happen.  How can we ever dig out from under the stereotypes and misinformation if female scientists are out there believing that IVF is for people who are too impatient to just relax?

Anyways, peace out people.  The hubmeister and I are off for our waiting game peace out up in the mountains.  See you on Beta day!

Good Stuff

• One of our embies made it to re-freeze!!!  Yippee!!!
• I learned that I'm going to be teaching a course at the University I work at.  I'm super excited about this since I'd like to get more into the academic end of things.  The problem is that it's like school on crack.  You know the ages and ages of readings you had to study back in school?  Turns out that when you're the teacher you have to know them inside and out.  Oh the agony! But I'm still super excited!
• J and I are getting the hell out of dodge this week and are heading up to the mountains for some R&R and avoidance of pee sticks.  Fall in the Smokies?  Yes please!  So I will be MIA for a bit come Monday.  I will miss you ladies.
• My baby brother is getting married!  He is engaged to a very sweet girl and we are all very excited.  I was hoping my future SIL would become my new BFF, but alas, it's hard to be BFFs with a girl who is too young to remember life before microwaves.  Speaking of me being old, they aren't getting married until Spring of 2014.  I WILL BE 36 PEOPLE!!!

Return of the Jedi: Transfer

We have two little Younglings and they look great!

Everything went really swimmingly.  This transfer was so different than either transfer at the old clinic.  With both of my previous transfers it felt rushed, like they had somewhere to be.  This time everyone took their time and even chatted and joked with us in the transfer room.  New RE did the transfer and he walked me through absolutely everything.  He went so slowly and I'm excited to report that I've had NO CRAMPING TODAY!!  It always bothers me when I cramp right after transfer.  I'm pretty sure it shouldn't happen.  Anyway, he did inject some HCG into my uterus just prior to transfer and they added some to the culture medium as well.  All the staff seemed really excited about that because apparently it's been working out quite well.  Hopefully we don't let them down!

So here they are!  Jedi 3 and Jedi 4.

They also gave us photos of all of our embryos after thaw.  I won't scan them all in, but it was a nice keepsake.

Thaw Report

All seven survived the thaw!!! Including the less than one from the "blob" cycle!!! YAY!!!!  

Now we wait until Thursday.  They were frozen as day three embies and we are trying to culture them to blasts.

Grow little munchkins!  Grow!!!

Wherein I Give Up My Soul In The Baby Quest

Okay, maybe that's a bit melodramatic.

I don't eat red meat or pork.  This is mainly because I don't like it.  A second bonus was that after having lost 50 pounds, not eating red meat helped keep me out of the drive through.  When I heard that red meat carried a higher risk of certain cancers that ran rampant in my family and that it was estrogenic, I felt even more buoyed in my my red meat and porkless life.  I'd asked doctors about it and they said it was a non-issue in the baby quest.

Then I started googling crap about building uterine lining and "eat red meat" kept popping up.  Made sense and I figured that it wouldn't really hurt anything short term.  I'm not a steak or chops fan, but I do miss burgers.

So I asked J to take me out for a burger and he was more than happy to oblige.  Surprisingly, I didn't get sick!  I'm not going to start eating this crap every day, and bacon is still out, but like I said... can't hurt anything in the short term.

So here it is folks, my first burger in 10 years.  Mushroom and swiss.  Not gunna lie, it was damned good.

I had to have the fries too!

Green Light

My estrogen and progesterone were good, so we are starting Medrol, baby asprin, and PIO tonight.  We're still on for a Thursday transfer.  I don't have to come in for any more monitoring.

Not sure how I feel about that.  I mean, I'm glad not to push it back or cancel, but is it really the smart thing to do?  I guess we're banking on the PIO helping to thicken things and maybe the baby asprin will help if there is a blood flow issue?  All the nurse said is that the PIO should help and that they considered my lining to be at "the low end of normal."  Everything I see says they want 7 mm at the minimum at this point, but whatevs.

And how bad is it that a big part of me could give a rats ass anymore?

%^$!

My lining has not grown.  It was 5.9 at my first ultrasound and it was 5.6 today (day 13).  Waiting for a call from the doc with my E2 results and what to do next.  I'm so over this I can't even stand it.

Let's Talk About CMV

Cytomegalovirus

Say that five times fast.

Pardon me while I get on a soap box for a moment.  If you're here from ICLW, please know that this isn't something I do often... or ever for that matter.  I'm just in a mood, I suppose.

We all know about taking our vitamins, staying away from the cat liter, and giving up sushi, but have you ever heard of CMV?  Congenital CMV is the most common congenital infection there is.  It affects more children than Spina Bifida, Downs Syndrome, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or Pediatric HIV.  Really.  And you've probably never heard of it.

CMV is a virus.  That's it.  It's really common and runs rampant in day cares and preschool classes everywhere and on its own is not a big deal.  You probably had it and didn't even know it.  Once you've had it, your body creates antibodies for it and you're generally good to go on the CMV front.  The problems happen when you haven't had CMV and you end up getting it for the first time when you're pregnant.  You can pass it on to your unborn child.  Many children born with congenital CMV have no ill effects.  Some seem fine at birth and develop symptoms several years later.  Some are very ill from birth and have significant developmental delays.

Congenital CMV is one of the leading causes of deafness, hence, I deal with it every day.  Kids with Congenital CMV can shed the virus until kindergarten.  Since I'm around these kids, and snotty noses in general, when we started trying to conceive, I asked my doctor for a titer to see if I'd had CMV in the past.*  I wanted to know for peace of mind, although I was sure I must have had it seeing as though I've been with kids who are shedding the virus for the last 10 years or so.  Surprisingly, I came up negative.  Never had it.  No antibodies to protect any precious fetus that may decide to hang around at some point.**

The good thing is that preventative measures are things we should all be doing, pregnant or not.  Washing your hands a lot is the top of the list!  You don't have to run out and get screened for CMV or start interrogating every kid with a snotty nose you see.  The CMV Action Network lists the following:

• Wash your hands often with soap and water for 15-20 seconds, especially after changing diapers, feeding a young child, wiping a young child's nose or drool, and handling children's toys
• Do not share food, drinks, or eating utensils used by young children
• Do not put a child's pacifier in your mouth
• Do not share a toothbrush with a young child
• Avoid contact with saliva when kissing a child
• Clean toys, countertops, and other surfaces that come into contact with children's urine or saliva

I don't mean for this post to frighten anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, but I wanted to post about it because CMV is something that people just don't know about and should.  Knowledge is power and just by being vigilant about good hygiene, you can take steps to protect yourself and your munchkin.

For more information, visit www.stopcmv.org

*When I asked her to test me, she said, "You know, if you do get it, it's not that big of a deal."  I know quite a few parents who would disagree strongly with that.  Doctors are pretty ill informed when it comes to CMV.  

** My mother is also CMV negative and she is almost 60 (she only knows this because she's an avid blood donor and they give her blood to babies).  We suspect that we may have some genetic protection from CMV, but I'm not taking any chances!

Really, Dental Hygienist? REALLY?

There was a dental visit this week.  You'd think that sitting in the dentist's chair with dental tools all up in your grill would be a safe place to avoid baby talk, especially when the hygienist is a dude, but nooooo!  Not when you're one of the lucky infertile!

Minor back-story: My dentist's office is right next door to my actual office.  We are the only two offices still standing in our complex, hence, the staff there knows a little bit more about me than your average dental office might.  Plus, when they have a bunch of cancellations their receptionist comes over and offers up cleanings to fill their schedule.  I have very clean teeth.

DH (Dental Hygienist): Oof!  I bumped my head on the light.
Me:  Oh!  Be careful.
DH: Ah, it's okay.  My daughter bumped her head the other day.
Me: Oh no!  Is she okay?
DH:  Oh yeah, got a little knot, but it'll be fine.
Enter long story about child jumping on the bed and many pointless details about exactly what he said to her at each and every moment of the jumping on the bed fiasco and head bumping aftermath.  I won't bore you. Besides, my eyes glazed over and I'm pretty sure I don't remember any of it.
Me: I'm glad she's okay.
DH: Yeah.  So you guys have been married for a while now. When are you going to have some kids?

Aaaaaand SCENE!

Ambivalence In An Elevator

I loved this post from The Infertility Therapist on RE waiting rooms.  I was thinking about it earlier this week when I ran into an uncomfortable situation at my RE's office.

The elevator won't go all the way up to the RE's office until 7:30 am on the dot.  So I was waiting in the lobby the other morning for the clock to strike the magic hour.  A couple came in and also waited.  Then another couple and finally another woman.  We all waited.  And waited.  We sat there for almost 10 minutes and no one said a word.

Everyone had their noses in their phones, texting or playing Fruit Ninja.  I kept thinking about the post from Dr. Rouff.  I was making judgements, but sadly they were judgements that hurt myself more than anything.  I figured that there were 4 women there, and since we were all there at prime monitoring hour, we were likely all IVF patients.  If we were to go with 50/50 IVF odds, two of us would get pregnant and two wouldn't.  Since I perceived them all as prettier, slimmer, and more well put together than me, I figured I would be the one out of this group to miss out on the baby lottery.  Truly, truly ridiculous, but this was honestly what my subconscious was saying to me.

So I started thinking that I should reach out and be friendly.  What a great way to meet local people who are going though the same thing!  But what the hell do you say?  "What are you in for?" "How are your ovaries feeling this morning?"  "What CD are you on?"  Okay, okay, I probably could have gone with something like, "How stupid is this whole elevator thing?" but at the time I could only think about the fact that we were all going upstairs to simultaneously drop trou (in separate rooms, mind you).

Got any interesting waiting room stories to share?

Old Life, New Person

I am most certainly not the same person I was when this journey started.  I'm a little rougher around the edges and slower to smile.  Somehow I've managed to mix being less patient with people and being less likely to judge.  I've lost a little of the silly and gained a big dose of reality.  I'm learning that the life I once built for myself no longer fits the person I am.  J has been coming to the same realization for himself.

This week has been full of eye opening moments at work.  I've hit the wall.  Working with children means that at some point, you will end up working with parents who do not make the best choices for their kids.  Making decisions I don't necessarily agree with is one thing, making decisions that can hurt a child is another.  I'm reaching the point where I can't watch it happen anymore.  I can't help people who don't want to be helped.  I can give a professional opinion along with all of the facts, and then sit back and watch opportunity after opportunity pass a child by over the next several years.  At first I thought it came from a feeling of anger.  Anger at people who are busy popping out children without a second thought and mistreating them while J and I can't even make a child.  I told a coworker that I may consider a career change if the baby thing doesn't pan out.  As I was talking I realized that it isn't even about a baby anymore.  I'm just a completely different person and the old life doesn't fit the new me.*

I was talking about this with J and he said he's feeling the same way.  He's at work having a hard time dealing with people whining about things he feels aren't worth whining about.  Some of these things may have gotten a whine out of him a couple of years ago, but now he just wants to yell "GET OVER IT!"

So I guess we're both considering career shifts in the near future.  That's exciting and scary all at the same time.  The really scary thing is that J says, "Maybe if we don't have kids I'll start cultivating tomatoes for a living."  He figures that if there isn't a "family" to support, he can slack off.  My idea of a child-free career shift would mean making a crap ton of money so we can travel and spend money filling the giant childless hole that would be staring at us.

Hopefully we won't have to figure that out, but the changes infertility has brought to our personas is really starting to affect how we live our lives.  It's interesting to watch it unfold.

*I feel like someone wrote about this concept recently, but I can't find it in my reader for the life of me. Maybe I was dreaming it, but if I wasn't, chime in and holler "it was me, dummy!"

FET Blahs

Everyone says that FETs are a piece of cake.

"Everyone" is stupid.

I HATE taking estrogen.  It makes me depressed and headachey.  I suck at remembering to take pills three times a day.  I'm having a real time with watching what goes in my mouth too.  But thankfully, I have this community. I can wake up and see posts from my cycle buddies Ali and Shelley and remember the posts from Belle on "THE SAD".  You all help me know that what I'm feeling is not out of the ordinary and that it will pass.

It's been a long week.  I've been feeling very "I don't give a crap" about everything.  Getting out of bed is hard and functioning at work is even harder.  Although, being kind of "blah" about everything is helping me let go of some things at the office.  I've had the attitude where certain things that have been long term uphill battles are really beyond my control and not worth stressing about.  I'm trying to spin it.  It's working a little.

I also haven't done any of my photo's for EmHart's challenge over the last week and a half.  Just like everything else, I haven't really felt like it.  I sure do like looking at all y'all's photos, though!

J and I have had a lot of talks about Plan B (Or is is C or D?  I lose track of where we are.).  I'm the kind of person who needs to think now about what we would do if this cycle didn't work.  We had always agreed to 3 fresh cycles.  When we started this journey, we said 3 IUIs and 3 IVFs, not thinking we would ever get near those numbers.  There are times when I am really ready to be done now, but part of the reason we decided to switch docs when we did was so that we could have a new set of eyes setting us up for our final fresh cycle if need be.  I feel like if we didn't give that last cycle a chance with new clinic we would regret it.  We all know the importance of regret management.  So if this doesn't work, we'll do one more.  But then what if there are frosties...?  J would like to set a date to be done and I can't do that.  If we end up with frosties I feel like we need to give them a chance.  At the same time, I want my life and my body back.  I'm ready to bitch-slap it back into shape.

God I hate this game.

Tempting Fate

I'm down to my last few pads.  Just enough to get me through this "special time."  I'm not buying another pack.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, UNIVERSE?

Let There Be Ice Cream!

It's our Date-iversary!

Let me 'splain.

I met J through a very popular online dating site.  I had been doing online dating for years and years and years and years.  Yeah - a lot of time, I'm ashamed to say.  I had pretty much given up on the whole thing.  My profile was still on the site, but I wasn't actively searching or anything thing.  One September day, I felt compelled to check my account.  There was an email from a guy who did not fit any of my snooty parameters (ie, he wasn't a tall white dude with at least a graduate degree).  It was an easy, casual email and I noticed his profile said he was from Chicago.  I always get along with fellow mid-westerners, so I figured what the heck.  He asked me out for coffee the following weekend... his first (and last) online date ever.

I met him at the designated meeting place (every online dater knows that you don't let them pick you up and you make the first date short, sweet, and in public!).  We quickly figured out that neither of us were actual coffee drinkers.  Thankfully, there was a Ben and Jerry's next to the Starbucks, so we got something we both really love... ICE CREAM!  I was charmed by his easy smile and relaxed demeanor.  We just talked and it was so easy.  I don't know how to explain it other than to say it just... was!  I know I should say there were unicorns farting rainbows and galloping around us, but that wasn't what happened.  It just felt warm.  Like I had known him forever and this was what was supposed to be.  On some level, I just knew this was it.  Like the billion years of prayers had been simply answered in this wonderful man in front of me.  In fact, on our wedding day, a friend played me a voicemail I had sent her a few days after this date saying that I had found my lobster.

Since that first cone of Chunky Monkey with J, not a day has gone by where I haven't heard his voice and I love it that way.

Today is the anniversary of our first date, and every year we celebrate it by heading back to the Ben and Jerry's and having us some ice cream.  We love this day.  We get to celebrate us and happiness.  It's all about the happy today.  Not the mushy, not the the trials and tribulations, just the happy.

And just for the record, he says I was late on our first date, but I saved the text message exchange five minutes before our scheduled meeting time that says I was parking, so he can bite me on that one.  AND he only lived in Chicago for the first five minutes or so of his life.  Online daters are liars.  I lied about my height. :)

Return of the Jedi: Baseline

Baseline went well.  I'm cleared to start meds on Saturday for our FET.  I met a new Wand today.  All Wands are alike.  Go figure.  The nurse who did the ultrasound really pointed out landmarks and stuff which was nice!  I knew what was my lining and could spot a giant ovary full of follies, but she showed me blood flow and stuff.  I've never had a thorough explanation before, and apparently I have been looking at the damned thing upside down.

They wanted to do a mock transfer, so I had that done today too.  Easy peasy.  BUT whenever I meet a new physician and they ask what I do for a living, a whole conversation ensues.  I'm an audiologist.  I work with cochlear implants and I only see children.  (There, I said it! At least this blog is not googleable.) The minute I answer the "what do you do" question, I see their eyes pop up from between my knees and the questions start.  Doctors have genuinely great questions about implants and I'm really very happy to talk about it.  I love my job and I love talking to others about how awesome implants are.  Here's the deal - I would much rather these conversations started when I was wearing pants!  At least this time she had the decency to let me sit up and put my legs together.

Foto Friday

 

I am participating in EmHart's September Photo Challenge! I figured I'd save up my pics and post them on Fridays.  Here's week one.

Beginning: Here's everyone's favorite beginning, birth control pills! Little bastards that they are. 

 

Beginning

Fire:  A couple of years ago, my now husband sent me the photo labeled "Fire-Exhibit A" while I was in the middle of a rehearsal. It showed up on my little Blackberry, that had a 3in screen, with the title "It's really bad here, babe." I was pretty sure our house was burning down. Three families lost their brand new homes that night. They have not rebuilt. My fire photo shows what's left of their houses today and the building of new homes still going on around the empty lot.    

Fire-Exhibit A

Fire - the real photo.

White: One of my favorite things about my dog is the white splotch on her snout. I think it's where the angels bitch slapped her on the way down.  Oh come on!  I love my dog, but she was most certainly not kissed by any angel!

White

School:  I have quite the collection of old textbooks.  do I reference them ever?  No!  They are too friggin old!  So on my shelf they sit.

School

Pure:  In all honesty, I took this a billion (Okay, maybe 8) years ago.  So not only is it a lovely photo of the purity of water, it's full of pure honesty about my cheating soul.


Pure

Book:  This is a page from my favorite book "To Kill A Mockingbird."  Interestingly, when I opened it up, it came to a page where Dill and Scout were arguing about where babies came from.  Dill thinks you can order one and then row a boat over to a foggy island to pick them up.  Scout says that God drops  them down the chimney.  Then Dill remembers that "You get babies from each other."  Although he also thinks that there is a man who "has all these babies just waitin' to wake up."  Me too, Dill.  I have all of these babies just waitin' to wake up.

Book

 Golden:  Yay white wine!  And that's all there is to say about that!


Golden








Calendar! Preparation For The Return Of The Jedi

Shiny and new!  Here we go!

We met with the nurse today to get our calendar for our FET and pay up.  Everyone we met with knew about the nuances of our cycle, had everything together and ready to go for us, it was so nice.   Other differences I'm excited about?
Estrace and no patches!  Yay!

• Baby Asprin.  I see the rest of you taking it, now I'm in the club.
• Medrol.  What's that you say?  You have a condition that some believe causes an auto-immune implantation problem and you've never added a steroid to the mix?  What a novel idea!
• HCG added to the transfer medium.  New clinic is really excited about this.  Apparently it's showing some pretty great results.

Only bad thing is that insurance requires day 3 bloodwork and I'm already on BCPs.  They have told me in the past that as long as it was completed in the last year, it's all good (until my 35th birthday).  Since they are dumb and don't actually hold on to records, this has to be sent in every freakin time.  So to avoid coming off BCPs and getting a new draw, I have to get the last day 3 lab results from the old clinic (they didn't come over with the last bunch of records).  Thankfully, I knew the exact date they were drawn on, so I called and said I'd be picking them up tomorrow morning.  No relying on them to fax that crap in.  I'll do it myself, thankyouverymuch.

So, hopefully something will survive the thaw and a couple days of extra culturing for a blastocyst transfer on October 4th.  Beta is scheduled for the 15th.

Go ute, go!

A Milestone Menage A Trois

This is my 200th post.  Within the next two weeks, we'll come upon the anniversary of my first visit to the RE and my first blog post.  Instead of depressing myself and all of you with three depressing posts in rapid succession, I'll try to make this one big post about what the last year and 200 posts has brought.  Or is that brung?  Is brung a word?  I'm pretty sure it isn't.

To go back and look at the posts from last September is like revisiting a diary for me.  There were so many things going though my head back then.  On one hand, I was hoping to tempt fate by starting an infertility blog.  A sad, smug, voice in my head thought that if I went so far as to start a blog, our first round of treatment would work and then  boy would I look silly!  On the other hand, the opposing little voice was afraid that this would be a long road.  But even that voice was intending for this space to be a place where I could record the journey and offer hope to others when they saw a shiny happy Hapa family at the end.

Instead, a year later, I have an unexpected life.  While I wouldn't wish this road on anyone, I feel like infertility had tried to test my fledgling marriage and we've been able to give it the middle finger.  I've learned that this man I married is 100% my partner and best friend.  The "for worse" part?  We can handle it.  It's a good thing to know this early in the game.  I've learned lessons that I didn't know I needed to learn.  Lessons about empathy, judgement, and identity.  I've learned that my body sucks, but my soul is more resilient than I knew it could be.  I've met new friends who I may never actually meet.  A whole community of amazing women who have kept me sane and become my strongholds.

Back then, the thought of not having children would pierce me like nothing else.  Even the thought of it would send me into racked sobs.  Now, a year later, I have a Child-free/less folder in my reader and I so look forward to unread posts showing up in that space.  Now the thought of not having children seems like an alternative rather than a painful sentence.  Somedays it actually feels like a welcome alternative.

So here were are, three IUIs, two IVFs, and a two-for-one surgery later and not a double pink line to show for it.  It's been a rough year, an emotional year, but an important year.  I can't say that I've reached a point where I'm glad to be experiencing infertility, but I am grateful for what I am learning.