Dear Children,
Wednesday, I had a bad day. A really bad day. I found myself crying as I drove to the store to pick up some things for my Activity Day Girls. I probably should have pulled over, but thankfully I got to the store safely. But it is the thought process I want to tell you about and the realization that came to me. So before I tell you about it, I first want to go back to the day before.
Due to my depression, I see a psychiatrist, and because of the stress I am under, due to Steve's illness and work, she decided I needed to talk to a counselor. So I did. To be honest, talking to a counselor has never been very helpful for me, it just makes me cry a lot. Anyway, I am talking to the counselor about your dad. I told her that I had been told that I had picked him because he was familiar to me. Basically, because I had been abused, I was drawn to him. I made the statement that I wished I had known better. The counselor stopped typing, looked at me at said, "When are you going to stop feeling guilty? Did you marry this man with the intent to have your children abused by him?" Of course, the answer was no, but I was surprised. I thought I had "gotten over it". I have jokingly stated that I had an over-developed guilt complex. I have decided it isn't a joke anymore.
So back to Wednesday. The students were difficult and I was frustrated about how I didn't feel like I was getting any teaching done. The frustration continued into a meeting I had with my team that consisted of a teacher new to 7th-grade math and a sub. The vice-principle came in and made comments that started a discussion that in reality was not necessary for that meeting. It caused a misunderstanding between me and the new teacher. (The most polite argument I have ever had!). On top of that the discussion came up about how we needed to implement UA in our classroom and that started another discussion that had me confused and even more frustrated. I was grateful when 3 o'clock finally came. I got in the car and started my way to the store and the thoughts came rushing in and the tears started to fall.
I thought about the polite argument I had with Tracy and felt guilty. I thought about how I struggled with teaching and felt guilty. I thought about different things I had failed to do and felt guilty. I thought of things I had done that were wrong and felt guilty. I thought about Steve and how tired I was of his illness and I felt guilty. I thought about how I had not paid tithing and had stopped praying because of it and felt guilty. I finally cried out, I didn't want to feel guilty anymore. And a fleeting thought came through. A thought that did not form and yet I knew what it was and it frightened me. And I realized that guilt had taken over my life. I did not have an over-developed guilt complex, I was guilty.
I came home from the store, curled up on my bed, and waited till I had to go to church. I did my calling and as usual, it went well. I came home and started reading my scriptures. I had been trying to read the Book of Mormon by Christmas and had not been doing well with it either (and yes, I felt guilty) and I just started reading. I was at my favorite part, King Benjamin's speech to the Nephites. I love that speech and how it affected the people when they heard it. I love how he talks of how we are less than the dust, meaning that dust is more obedient than we are when commanded by the Lord. How we are unprofitable servants, not because we don't try but because we can never pay back what has been given to us. And as we try to do what is right we continue to get more blessings and continue to be "always behind on the payments" and that is OK. That is how it works. That is the Atonement. Christ makes up the difference. We don't have to pay back we just have to do all that we can to obey and it is enough.
It gets better. The next day, I was on a break and I checked my phone, there were 65 messages from Martha in Messenger. All the same, with a link to an article to be read. Usually, I wouldn't click on the link (65 times sounds like a virus or something). It was an article about a grandparent who had a special needs granddaughter and how they were invited to the IEP. The grandparent was ready to defend the granddaughter believing that they could not love the child as much as her family did. The grandparents found out they were wrong and then compared it to a heavenly IEP being held for each one of us, with our ancestors and descendants who are still in the Spirit World, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. The author wrote of the love our Heavenly Father has for us. He does not look at our sins and shakes his head and wonders what he going to do with us. He has already done it. He sent his Son to pay the ultimate price all we have to do is believe and repent.
When I look at you, my children, I don't see the mistakes you have made in your life, I see the potential of what you can be. When I think of the love I have for you it is difficult to comprehend that Heavenly Father loves you more. He loves me more. I don't know everything possible for you but Heavenly Father does. He knows and loves each one of us perfectly.
I began to realize this and remember that Heavenly Father does not condemn me, He loves me and wants what is best for me. I am never alone unless I walk away. There are so many parts to the Atonement and now I have learned of one more. It takes the guilt away. I am far from perfect but the Atonement fills in the gap so that I don't need to feel guilty that I am not perfect. All I have to do is just keep trying, Jesus will make up the difference all I need to do is try to be like the "dust" and be obedient.
