Sunday, November 23, 2008
Lilee Arrived!
Lilee was born on Friday at 8:24 AM. She weighed 6 lbs 3 oz, and was 20" long. Summer is my hero; she had a baby without an epidural. My wife is beautiful! Lilee is beautiful! Her first visitor was her maternal grandmother, DeeAnn. Lilee had a little bout with poor circulation, so we didn't get to spend our first night with her; she stayed with the nurses. We brought her home yesterday afternoon. I turned the radio on to a station that is currently playing Christmas music; her first song was Winter Wonderland. Her first visitors at home were Brent & Maegen Martineau. Last night, Summer and I had a combined 11 minutes of sleep (or so it seemed). We had forgotten what it was like to have a newborn. We are wiped out. Lilee is so sweet! We are so thankful for all of the calls, texts and visits concerning Lilee and Summer. We're also thankful for those bringing meals and goodies. We are very blessed. As I look at my family and friends, I feel like the richest man in the world.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
24-Hour Eviction Notice
Date: November 19, 2008To: Lilee Jayne Haught:
To the above Tenant now in possession of the below described premises:
· My uterus
· Mostly in Surprise, AZ 85379
You are hereby notified that your tenancy is hereby terminated as of 8:00 am, this, the 19th day of November, 2008.
You are hereby requested to quit, vacate, and deliver possession of said premises to the undersigned on or before 12:00 pm, November 20, 2008.
This notice to vacate is due to your following breach of tenancy:
* Damage to said premises and common areas.
*Assaulting the undersigned by means of physical contact and by causing the reasonable apprehension of fear of imminent physical contact.
*Disturbing the peace of the undersigned and unnecessarily interrupting the quiet enjoyment of said premises and common areas.
*Causing the undersigned nausea, insomnia, heartburn, headaches, leg cramps, odd cravings, grouchiness, and episodes of misery.
*Expanding said premises without the necessary permits.
Should you fail, refuse or neglect to vacate said premises by the aforementioned deadline, I will take such legal action as the law and medicine requires to evict you from said premises. You are to further understand that I shall hold you responsible for all present and future damage to said premises reasonably related to you tenancy and eviction.
In the event that you vacate said premises and it is discovered that you are not Lilee Jayne Haught, but, rather, are a male, I reserve the right to change your name at my discretion. Further, you will wear baby girl clothing for the first 18 months after vacating said premises, as we have reasonably relied on information given us by medical personnel. To discard the baby girl clothing procured to date would cause the undersigned significant financial hardship.
Summer (d.b.a Mommy )
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Fall Arrives in the Valley of the Sun
Yes, fall is here, and I love living in the Valley of the Sun. This morning we saw a large herd of field mice coming into the subdivision. As we dodged them in our car, it made us feel like royalty - what did we do to deserve the beholding of the annual desert rodent migration? Suddenly, we were distracted, as the sweet smell of stuff dumped in the desert overnight permeated the air. While people in other parts of the country are bored to tears with nature's paintbrush, we're treated to 5 months of achromatic, hueless landscape, peppered with discarded hide-a-beds.Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Discipline? Abuse?
Yesterday, after church, we saw a 4th-grader in Rylee's school, accompanied by her father, walking down Greenway Rd. She was wearing a homemade sandwich board that read, on both sides: I STOLE $100 FROM MY MOM. I took the pictures, then pulled alongside them. The dad, obviously anticipating an attack from an I-want-to-be-my-kid's-best-friend-so-I-don't-discipline parent, looked at me cautiously. "You are a GREAT dad," I said. The dad replied, "She's got to own up to what she did." If every parent held their child accountable for their actions, I'd be out of a job - the criminal justice system would evaporate. A sandwich board for every misstep? Nope. But, if my kids steal $100, they'll be walking down Greenway with the same sign, with bright red butts. Great dad. Go ahead, sound off with your comments - I really want to hear your opinions. Statistically, 80% of you will disagree with this approach.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy
From 1991 to 2003, Saturday Night Live aired little thoughts accompanied by soft piano music. These were titled Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy; they were a big hit. Here are some of my favorites:
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city - boy, I don't know what to tell you."
“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."
“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend."
“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you ask. "That's dynamite, baby."
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.
I'd have to say that my favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and occasionally he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city - boy, I don't know what to tell you."
“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."
“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend."
“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you ask. "That's dynamite, baby."
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said: Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others: I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.
I'd have to say that my favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and occasionally he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
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