Obviously this blog will no longer be the proper way for me to keep everyone up to date on our adventures, I am still writing but for now I am focusing on working through some of the more difficult emotions that seem to be prevalent in my life right now. I will be starting a new blog soon that chronicles our day to day stuff but for right now you will have to use Instagram and Facebook for that. If you want to read about some of the personal experiences I have been going through go right ahead and check out my new blog: www.lifeistoughbutgirlsaretougher.blogspot.com. But know that I make no apologies about the content, it is the real and sometimes gritty perspective of a marriage falling apart. Don't get into something that you don't want to know about, that is my disclaimer because this writing has been absolutely therapeutic and life saving for me and I probably won't be giving that up and editing things down anytime soon. So here's to the journey...

Almost there...

Even though my living room is scattered with disorganized baby clothes, my dishwasher is waiting to be to be emptied and my to-do list is a mile long I really want to sit and write something out for this blog tonight.

I will be 38 weeks pregnant on Friday! I truly think when I am pregnant that I will be trapped like this forever so it is always kind of unbelievable when the end is in sight. I'm grateful that we have never had to struggle when we decide to bring a kid into this world but I personally have a difficult time being pregnant and this time has been no different. Nothing life threatening but I just don't seem to be very good at it. My moods get terrible and my patience gets even shorter. I have painful sciatica and at this point I can't sit in any sort of chair, driving is pretty painful and when I get up to walk sometimes my leg doesn't come with me. With my first pregnancy I had a rash called PUPPS that was caused by an allergic reaction to the placenta that pretty much made my life unbearable with the last few weeks of that pregnancy but I was blessed and didn't have it come back with my second. It has returned with this pregnancy but for the last few months has been easy to control with anti-itch cream and it had stayed right on my stomach. The last two weeks it has started to spread and the itching and panic it makes me feel have gotten worse. And I have the normal list of complaints heartburn, can't sleep, endless trips to the bathroom and my ribs feel like they are on fire. But last week at my doctor's appointment I was at a 3 (I don't know if that is too much to share on a blog but it seemed like a way to turn this from complaining into an update, maybe sort of) and I have another appointment tomorrow. The doctor tells me constantly that this is going to be a big baby. Like I didn't know... I have an induction scheduled for the 20th so at the most it is only 13 days away and we are all excited and ready for this little one to get here.

Now the other news of the day is why I am sitting among all this mess and chaos feeling yucky and thinking about how good things truly are. On Thanksgiving Kevin played a turkey bowl with the other guys from a ward and took a hit that left his knee in a lot of pain. Kevin plays sports really hard and usually comes out of it pretty sore and banged up so I didn't think this was anything out of the ordinary. I persisted in giving him dirty looks all weekend whenever he would sit down or tell me he was in pain (I am not very nurturing by nature and pregnancy makes me very unsympathetic). He came with me on a marathon Christmas shopping trip and I am sure we made quite a sight hobbling and shuffling around together and groaning as we got in and out of the car. But in my defense I did try and make a doctor's appointment for him that next day. Cut to five days later and Kevin is still in serious pain and his leg and foot are still about four times bigger than the other. We finally got in to see someone immediately ordered an MRI and told us he probably tore a meniscus and likely his ACL. Not great news to a fitness professional and his very pregnant wife who lives 3,000 miles from any family members. Seriously I was not understanding the funny in God's sense of humor at this point. So e wait 5 more days to have the test done and another 2 days to talk to the doctor and go crazy with worry about how we were going to get this all taken are of, and the doctor walks in and announces, "Good news, no surgery!" Nothing is torn, he strained it and has a deep bruise. Even the orthopedic surgeon said he was shocked because of how it looked from the outside. Kevin was so happy he about skipped out of the office. Now he has about 2 months of hobbling around and some rehab but I think he is secretly excited about the goal of getting back in form for some triathlons this spring. He will do well, he likes to rise to a challenge.

I am so grateful that this turned out how it did, we have learned to weather our trials but I am very happy for the relief that came from not having to endure this one. This is my favorite season of the year and our sweet little girls are the perfect age to enjoy every magical moment. Now we get to add a perfect little baby to have on Christmas morning.

I love how easy it is for me to think of Christ and the reason for his birth when I am surrounded by reminders. I am so humbled when I look around and realize all that He has blessed me with. So many lessons I have difficulty remembering because of my attitude or my need to be in control but He always knows how to turn my attention back and gently remind me that He is aware of me and that He loves me deeply. Merry Christmas! I can't wait for the next update, I think it will be filled with pictures and lots more fun to read than this one!

Kentucky Horse Park

The girls and I have had a lot of free time lately since Kevin has had cross country all day Saturdays so one very nice afternoon we went over to the Kentucky Horse Park. It was so fun to be outside with them and they just amaze me with some of the things they are interested in. They absolutely loved the museum and made me read a lot of the plaques to them. We rode on the trolley behind the big draft horses and after the girls were able to go up and meet them. They were such big horses but were really relaxed and let the girls get right up by them. We saw some dressage competitions going on and caught a few riders in costume around the park. Berkley kept picking up sticks and had 6 in her hand at one time so I made a rule that she could only have one piece of nature in each hand. It was difficult for her to pick which sticks she should leave behind. On the grass. Where she had picked them up 10 minutes before. Seriously...

We ended the day riding ponies. They only had 2 for all the other riders and Berkley kept telling me she wanted to ride the white one that was still in the pen. I told her that pony wasn't out that day but she insisted that was who she should ride and as luck would have it right before my girls' turn another worker stepped out and got the white one ready! Hallelujah for good luck. They pretended like they were in a parade and blew kisses each time they came by me.

They are such silly girls and we have such a good time when we get to try out something new. It is a beautiful place we live in and I don't think the girls or I could ever get enough horses. I definitely could not have found a better way to spend an afternoon.

Building Blocks!

Berkley has been asking when her turn to go to school will be since Braelyn started going to preschool so even though I wasn't ready I knew this was the year she needed to go. She was excited until we started getting supplies ready. I took her on a special trip to get her backpack and after we got it home she refused to show anyone. She would pretend like it didn't exist and when someone would bring up school she would just quietly pout. We went to an open house at her school the day before and she seemed so miserable I thought this would never work out. We had bought her a special outfit to wear but that morning didn't go very smoothly and when she tried to explain how she wanted her hair I couldn't get it right. She told me wanted ponytails all on the front with every different color. I tried a few different things but non were right and she was very upset with the ponytail we ended up with. She wouldn't crack a smile when we took pictures before and I got more and more anxious about dropping her off. But when we got to her classroom she walked right in and sat in her seat (which they had switched, big deal for 3 year olds AAHHH!) I decided I better just get out of there so I did! I worried endlessly about her that day and started crying as soon as I saw her again, but she was all smiles and had a great time! I think she is getting used to doing things with me or her big sister and is a little slow to warm-up but really enjoys the independence.

She has great teachers who have told me numerous times that she is wonderful in class and never causes a problem. She loves lunch time but gets upset when they don't have time to eat their snack during cooking. Her favorite class is Bible and she loves the art projects they bring home. Anytime she makes an animal she is very protective and doesn't let anyone in our house touch it. She insists that she wears a dress to school and some days she also has to wear a crown and fancy shoes. She is learning her letters but doesn't like to tell me about them. She has picked up on the routine and there is an older man with a white beard who opens the door for us every morning and shakes Berkley's hand. She couldn't see him from the parking lot this morning and asked me where he was and why he wasn't there to open the door, luckily he was there just hadn't opened the door yet. I am happy she is enjoying it so much, it is strange to be myself without my shadow at home but she always makes sure to tell me how much she loves me when we get back in the car so it makes it a little easier to let her go!

One day down! Whew...

I thought I would have like 6 months to blog about the first day of school but I already have 3 friends who have posted about it so I guess I had better get mine out there as well! And find lazier friends who I can keep up with...

Braelyn started kindergarten today! I am sure you can guess how I was feeling but I didn't want to make her nervous or sad, and I am a very ugly crier so I kept praying to keep some sort of control on my emotions about the experience. I was very blessed to feel okay about everything and was really able to focus on how fun and exciting this was going to be for her. We had everything ready a few weeks before so we had a calm night and I set the alarm for the 6:30 the next morning. I figured Braelyn or me or both of us would have a hard time sleeping but we both slept right up to the alarm. We had written out a schedule of the things she needed to do in the morning and she had memorized and checked the list again first thing. Braelyn isn't a breakfast eater until later in the morning so as she tried to choke down her chocolate shredded wheat she started to get emotional about the day. We both had our moment of tears and she said she was nervous. I wanted to tell her I was too, but after I held her hand for a minute and told her she would do great we both seemed ready for the day. She was very excited to get dressed and remembered to brush her teeth, comb her hair and wash her face just like our list said. We got her backpack on and went outside to take a few pictures. While we were on the front porch poor Berkley woke up and couldn't find anyone in the house! It was only about 2 minutes but she probably thought we had forgotten her. Once we got close to the school it seemed very busy so I parked on the street and we walked in. Braelyn remembered where her classroom was and found her seat right away. I didn't want to linger so we took the picture, said "I love yous" and were on our way. She waved and smiled and everything felt ok! We stopped for a doughnut at the cafeteria and when I peeked in on our way out Braelyn was leaned over to the boy sitting next to her happily chatting away.
When we picked her up that afternoon she was still happy and excited to tell me about her day. I expected her to be a little tired and probably a bit grumpy but she was an absolute angel until bedtime. She told me about art: they did NOT make a craft today, lunch: crinkle paper chips (Sunchips) an apple and some sort of sandwich with meat on a bun that she did not like too much, recess: which was her absolute favorite and she got to play with her friends from the Little Owls class and that the worst part of her day was when another teacher blew her whistle twice on the playground and she thought the other class had to go in but they didn't (I am so glad that was the low point!! We can handle that.) She knew 5 girls names from her class but had absolutely no idea what the boy who sat next to her was called. She still loves her teacher and is glad she gets to go back tomorrow.
This was a day I had earmarked since I held my baby in the hospital and I am so thrilled to put it down as a success. I am grateful to the teachers who are understanding about how precious these kids are to us and I am so proud of Brae for really doing her best today. I am guessing not each morning will go smoothly or each day will be quite so nice but if this is how we started I couldn't have hoped for better.

Pittsburgh

Kevin served his mission in Pittsburgh, PA and has always wanted to go back. Now that we are within driving distance it was the perfect opportunity to take a long weekend and head up there. Kevin has always told me how pretty it is there but to be honest I just couldn't imagine it. I thought it would be brown and dingy and full of smokestacks. We headed out late on Friday night, I drove most of the way so Kevin and the girls could sleep but just before we got to the city I woke everybody up when I took a wrong exit and made a 90 degree turn going about 50 mph! It was worth waking up for though, as you drive into the city you go through a tunnel, like the one on Independence Day. Really long and small and claustrophobic but then you pull out and there is Pittsburgh and it was BEAUTIFUL! The city was all lit up and they have 3 rivers that run right through that were reflecting all the lights and these beautiful drawbridges going over them. I think we heard angels singing, it was that dramatic of a moment! But then we hit construction, couldn't find the detour to the hotel and remembered it was past midnight so we got to bed quickly after that.

The next day we spent exploring the city. Our first stop was a school built to look like an old cathedral. It was so realistic that Berkley told that the bad guys lived in that castle.

After that it was a stop at Heinz Field! Kevin could finally go home. I am pretty sure he heard a choir of angels again. He couldn't get close enough so he tried to walk through some tunnel and we got chased out by a security guard. I was so embarrassed but it was really great to see where the Steelers play up close and in person.

Then onto lunch, we ate at Primanti Brothers. They put the fries right on the sandwiches and I have heard Kevin talk about how much he has been craving one of these for 8 years. He wanted to go right back again for dinner.

Then we explored a city square that had fountains for the kids to play in, cobblestone streets and an entire building made of mirror glass. Kevin must have just kept in the nice parts of the city, but I thought the whole place was clean and well-maintained and had lots of really interesting buildings to check out.

Our last stop in the city was the Duquesne Incline. It is this trolley car that goes up and down a ridge. We could see the car all day and thought it looked really exciting. It was not. I haven't done much in my life that was more boring, but the view from the lookout above and the crazy little roads leading up to it were lots of fun to see.

That night we stayed with the Eichenmillers, a family Kevin got close to while serving in their ward. I could write pages about how wonderful this family is but you will just have to take my word for it. We are always very excited when we get the chance to see them, but we got to see the entire family this time so it made it extra special. The Eichenmillers had 2 daughters on their own and after they weren't able to have more they adopted a boy. They found out he had special needs and were later approached about adopting his brother and sister who were also dealing with disabilities. After they settled in with 5 kids, they were again approached about another special little girl who hadn't been able to find her family yet. They opened up their arms and I can't imagine the work and faith that they had to put into raising their family, but they did it all with a smile. Then well into their "later years" as they say, after their oldest was at college, they found out they were having another little boy, with one more to follow a year later! Wow, talk about busy. So I got to finally meet all the kids and it was a blast! They had a huge backyard with a trampoline and swing set and dog and toys and it was exactly what the girls needed after a day of travel and sight seeing. We spent the afternoon and late into the night talking and laughing. Their second daughter had her mission farewell the next day and it was great to be there to support her. We headed to our next stop that evening and there were certainly tears when we finally had to go. I don't have one picture from their house on my camera!! I must have been too busy playing, I will have to pull some off Kevin's phone.

The next stop was Bridgeville, PA. This was the area that was probably nearest to Kevin's heart and we were off to visit another great family. Kevin met the Danz when he started playing ball at the park across the street from their house. He got to know their kids and Richard, the dad, liked to talk with them. They started to help them with some work around the house but the mother, Lydia thought they were strange. She finally asked if they could get the gang members that hung out at the park to stop swearing, and so Kevin and his comp bet them that if they won at bball they would have to stop and it worked! Kevin found out later that Danz family was on the verge of breaking up, Lydia was very homesick for her family in South America and they had been struggling for some time. They were grateful for the missionaries and the gospel being brought into their lives. Shortly after Kevin and I got married we traveled to Washington DC and were able to be with them as they went through the temple and were sealed together as a family. And man, they sure took off from there. They are such a stellar family, 3 great kids, and they seem to be really happy. We had so much fun spending the day with them. They rolled out the red carpet and did anything the could think of to make us happy. Richard was very taken with Berkley and told her that if she didn't get what she wanted from her Mom that she could come ask him. They have a beautiful old house that they have restored and they let the girls run wild through it. I have never felt so comfortable walking into anywhere besides my own home. They even put us up in a hotel and when they asked if we wanted to stay a 2nd night we quickly answered, "Yes!" We spent the next morning with them and there were more tears again when we had to leave.


We had one more stop before we hit the road and that was the Bridgeville Chapel. When Kevin got to the area they were meeting in a small, run down little building and he felt like they could get them a new chapel addition. That meant literally doubling their attendance and having it stay that for quite some time. I am sure it felt like a very lofty goal but he and his companion and the local members felt like it was something they could do, and with lots of hard work they did it! They hadn't started the addition before Kevin had to leave the area so he hadn't been able to see what it turned out like. It was a breathtaking chapel now, on a winding country road, with immaculate grounds covered with all kinds of flowers. Kevin just stared for quite some time. I am sure it was an overwhelming feeling to actually see a physical manifestation of hard work, and to know what a difference it has made to the saints in that area.

It was a long trip home that day, but this was an absolutely unforgettable trip. I can't believe I had not been more excited to actually see this place that Kevin had told me about for years. I am so glad we did, it is a beautiful (have I used that word yet? :) city but it was spending time with these people that made it all the more fulfilling. Besides being with my family I have never spent time that has been more enriching to my soul. They had loved Kevin and for whatever reason in their eyes that meant they loved me and I am so lucky for that. They were so generous with their homes and their time and we had such a wonderful trip because of that.

When I was little I used to drive my parent's crazy because when they would point out something from the car, like Strawberry Reservoir, I would say, "Where!? I don't see a lake." It is sweet revenge because Berkley now does the exact same thing, and as we drove through the city we asked the girls what their favorite part of Pittsburgh was and Berkley exclaimed, "Where?! I didn't see Pittsburgh!"

How Do I Love Thee? Sporadically I guess...

Berkley told me this week that she "really loved me. On this day..." And today she sweetly stared into my face and said, "Mom, I love you somedays."
-I said, 'Only somedays?'
"Yes, only somedays. Like Monday, Friday, Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday" she stated as she counted off on her chubby fingers. "But not Thursday."
-'Thursday isn't a good day for Mom?'
"No not Thursday. Thursday is a bad day."
And to top it off she added, "And Mom, you know I love Braelyn most of all. Better than everyone else, even you."