In the Shadows she lurks...

Yesterday was a special cocktail of family drama crowned by getting bit on the face by a dog. Not my dog, I did nothing to provoke the dog, I was just standing about armlength away from her owner who was holding her in her arms, and next thing I knew she'd flung herself at me and latched onto my face and I was bleeding. Apparently, she's bit people on the face before.

Fortunately, the damage is superficial, so I'm okay, just sore and covered in bandaids, but I think if the people in question decide to have kids, then they're going to have a tough decision to make. I believe, wholeheartedly, in rehabilitating traumatised animals, in working with dogs that have been given a bad rap and have serious behavioural issues. But I did absolutely NOTHING to trigger this dog. I was just lucky that she's small and that she didn't choose to latch onto my lip or my ear. I'm an adult, I'm big, and other people were able to get her off me almost immediately.

She could kill an infant.

A dog with that kind of explosive aggression is a dangerous dog, and if this dog was any bigger than a lapdog, she would have sent someone to the hospital long before now. She would have been put down, and her owner could have been prosecuted. I know that her owner is careful about who she allows this dog out around. I know that most times there are other people round, she is locked away. But all it takes is a moment, and there could be a serious injury. The owner thought she would be fine, because she was settled in the owner's arms, and had allowed my partner to give her a pat. But I didn't do anything. I was an armlength away, standing completely still, I wasn't leaning over her, I didn't even raise my hands. I was simply speaking to the owner and the other people present.

I consider myself pretty intuitive around dogs, particular fearful dogs. I have elicited friendly responses from dogs people have said are never friendly or less than terrified around strangers. I'm good at making my body language nonthreatening and having the patience to wait for an approach that might never come, but also, not minding if the dog never wants to come near me. I didn't come too close to or touch this dog, because I knew already that she was a dog that had problems with strangers. But that wasn't enough, because this dog has a hair trigger, and just my presence was enough to set it off.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want this dog to die. I would never ask my family to kill their pet. I sincerely hope that she gets to live out her last years with her owner, who loves her dearly. But if the owner and her partner decide to have kids while this dog is still alive, I think I'm going to have to have at least one hard conversation with them, because as much as I care about animals, especially animals that some would label 'unadoptable' or 'unrehabilitatable', I care about a helpless child's life more.

​I read 385 books this year. My goal was 400, and I probably could have made it, but real life got in the way the last few weeks.

Notable favourites:

The Scrape of Tooth and Bone - Dinosaurs, steampunk, spiritualism, an autistic lead and a gentle sapphic love story. And it's short and free!

Autoboyography - this was THE queer YA book of the year for me. I don't think its importance can be overstated. There are no books like this out there, telling beautiful, happy ending love stories for queer LDS kids. This book will save lives.

The Walker Papers - I bought books one and two when they first came out, and liked them, oh, gosh, a decade ago at least, when Harlequin launched their Luna imprint. This year was the year I hunted down copies of the rest of the series and read it from start to finish. I don't think there's anything really like it out there that I've read. It's urban fantasy, but with a biracial protagonist, and both halves of her heritage get weight in the story and the mythos explored. I really liked seeing where the author took her characters.

Radio Silence - Another really important YA book, this one exploring fandom, social media, societal pressures on teens to perform, and the insidious subtleties of certain forms of child abuse. It's about finding your passion and your people, but also about how that can be turned on you, both online and real life. And, at its heart, it's about working out how to be independent and make your own life despite what everyone tells you you should do or be, and that it's okay not to know what you want.

Sidekick Squad series - I love this, and April Daniels' Nemesis series, and Jacqueline Carey's Santa Olivia duology, for the very simple reason that a) they're all about teens getting superpowers, b) those teens are all marginalised by the societies they live in, and c) they use those powers to fight back against oppression and make their worlds a better place. They're all amazing, with great diversity of sexuality, gender and race, but I think each has something important to offer in terms of a narrative to exist in the current political climate. Santa Olivia in particular shouldn't be overlooked; in a world with constant talk of the wall and refugees in concentration camps, it was a very, very prescient story for Carey to have written.

Juliet Takes A Breath - Not what I'd call a comfortable book to read but very, very important for anyone who thinks of themselves as a feminist to read. Without intersectionality, feminism is hollow and leaving a whole lot of people out in the cold. It made me think a lot, and I'll definitely be buying myself a copy in the future to read and think about more.

Coffee Boy and Peter Darling - Two beautiful and very different stories with transgender leads by Austin Chant. Equally lovely and precious. Set aside an uninterrupted afternoon to dive in and enjoy.

Girls Made of Snow and Glass - Utterly captivating fairytale story, to be dived into and consumed whole. Read if you like complex heroines and antagonists, clever reworking of fairytales, and resolutions that aren't a simplistic punishing of the bad and rewarding the good. I got this in hardback for going to the dentist for the first time in years, and I just love that I own it.

Iris Grace - The best parental account of raising an autistic child that I've read in years. Their approach to Iris's needs is incredibly sensitive. I scored a secondhand copy of this in hardcover, and I'm so glad I did; the author's photography and drawings throughout, as well as gorgeous high quality prints of Iris's paintings, are well worth having in what is essentially a smallish coffee-table art book size printing. Just a lovely, lovely book full of autism acceptance and beauty.

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? - I had been meaning to read Winterson for many years, and finally got to it when I found this book in my local library. I think it's worth reading Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit first, because the autobiography is told in the context of Winterson's life around and after her book became a commercial success. Oranges was semi-autobiographical, so one thing Why Be Happy does very well is lay out where her life was the same and where it was different. Something both books do very well is capture the adrift feeling queer children of fundamentalist parents feel as they grow and that persists into adulthood. Closeted or out, the disenfranchisement from that structural foundation remains, and the consciousness of being Other from that community and family never goes away.

Children of Blood and Bone - Vengeance is what I think of when I think of this story. It's like the book version of the 'then perish' meme. I'm really, really interested as to where the author is going to take the sequel; it's got so much potential to go some really interesting places.

Drag Teen - Sunshine in book form. You need this in your life. It's got a road trip, a drag comp, a teen mlm relationship without misery, and positivity in general busting out of every page. Read when all those tragedy-laden queer narratives get you down.

When We Rise - Beautiful comprehensive autobiographical account of the queer rights movement in San Francisco, through the 1970s, through AIDS, and beyond. I'm a strong believer in knowing your history and knowing what the elders of your community have done, and this is a good snapshot of what went on on the west coast of the USA in the second half of the twentieth century that got us to where we are today.

Fairyland series - I followed Catherynne M. Valente on LJ from when Fairyland, book one, was in development, and what with one thing and another, I never actually read it until this year, and wow, it did not disappoint. Take Alice in Wonderland, add a dash of Garth Nix's Keys to the Kingdom series, and a handful of Seanan McGuire's Wayward Children series, and you might have an idea what this is sort of like, but it's all of those and completely itself. I'm really glad to have sourced cheap, ex-library hardback copies of all five books. Make sure to read the two short stories too, if you can find them, they really add another layer to your understanding of certain events and characters.

The Radium Girls - One of the absolute best nonfiction books I read this year, but not for the fainthearted. If body horror, cancer and medical trauma bother you, do not read. But if you enjoy history, medical mysteries, stories of industrial disasters (which this was, in slow motion), and the development of the laws that protect workers today, this is a really good read.

We Are Okay - This book felt like someone reached inside my head and put how my mental state feels when I'm in a bad place onto the page, and did it in the most beautiful way. Though my life circumstances are very different to the characters, that veracity in capturing that headspace was utterly perfectly executed.

The Girl With the Crooked Nose - Frank Bender was a forensic reconstruction artist, and I've wanted to read this book about him for at least five years. I found my library had a copy, and reading it just confirms it's one I want to add to my collection. Read if you like forensics and/or have read The Murder Room by Michael Capuzzo and want to read more about Frank Bender.

Anna series - I haven't read any horror in a long time, and I really liked this duology. It put me in mind of Sean Stewart's Firecracker in some ways, both with a MC who can see the ghosts others can't. Other honorable horror mentions - the Night and Nothing series. Yes, in some ways it's really Sue-ish, but in a great way. It's like Twilight could have been, had Meyer actually grabbed the supernatural genre by the throat and gone for it whole heartedly, with all the viscera, dead things, flowers and decay that implies. It's not vampires and werewolves, but the fae, automatons, dimensional fuckery and deals with the devil. It's a bouquet of dead roses watered with blood. It's everything my little teen heart would have ADORED at sixteen. It's got a background autistic character who reads tarot cards. Read it for your own inner angry goth teenager who wears black with flower crowns.

Carol - I don't generally like literature with a capital L, but I really liked this. Maybe it's that it was two women meeting in secret, making a space for themselves outside the rules that made me like it, rather than some aging has-been white man lusting after a student. That and it is utterly, beautifully written. Atmospheric and haunting.

I'll Be Gone In The Dark - Read it if you like true crime, detection, puzzle solving, and how a crime writer's posthumously published draft led to the capture of a serial killer. Michelle's true gift to the case was getting a whole bunch of different departments, individuals and organisations to talk to each other and pool information. She spearheaded a drive to catch a man whose reign of terror was stone cold, but not over while he still lived to phone his victims decades later to taunt them. There is no doubt in my mind that Michelle's work led directly to his arrest. The afterword is so compelling it legitimately gave me goosebumps.

Queens of Geek - Fandom! Conventions! A lead autistic character! Queer leads finding first wlw love! I just want to hug this book. Almost as sunshiney as Drag Teen, but with minor douchery by an ex and accidental outing. No lasting hurt, though.

The Man From The Train - While this historical true crime won't be for everyone due to the writing style and the speculative nature of the case, I found it incredibly captivating and really enjoyed it. Don't read if you need absolute closure, but read if you like detective work taking place one hundred years after events using newspapers and court documents.

Mask of Shadows duology - Not only is this a great story with a genderqueer lead - it's just a great story, full stop. The worldbuilding is intricate and interesting, the storytelling is as sharp as the knives everyone holds, and it's very, very satisfying. Reminds me a little of the Nightrunner books that are set in Rhíminee, but much more bloody. It's probably similar in ways to the Hunger Games, too, but I haven't read those, I'm just going by what I know from social media. Read if you like your characters queer as hell, armed to the teeth, and out for blood.

You All Grow Up And Leave Me - A lot of true crime is told from a remove, by a crime writer or reporter who's entered the world of the crime after it has taken place. This is a very different kind of thing, a crime story where the crime, the criminal and the motive are all known. There is never a trial, or a question of guilt or innocence. What we have here is a deconstruction of a moment in time. A time where a tennis coach has a whole collection of girls he takes on for lessons, but he fixates on one. And you might think this is a story by that girl, but it isn't. It's by another, a girl who grew up in the shadow of horrific events, but was left with just one question - why didn't he pick me? Compelling, brilliant at capturing the spirit of a time and a place and a collision of people that led to a tragedy, and very, very difficult to put down.

Lost Girls - Another book for true crime readers who don't mind unanswered questions or unsolved mysteries. This book is very relevant in that it's talking about the intersection between social media, sex work, and serial murder. In the aftermath of the Tumblr purge and other similar sites trying to push sex workers out again, it's worth looking at this as an account of the consequences of demonising trade in sex and making sex workers more and more isolated from the broader community - the consequences are, women die, women go missing, and it's very, very difficult to catch the people who kill them. The Long Island Killer is still, as yet, unidentified and uncaught.

Murder Most Unladylike (Wells & Wong) series - Finally, have a damn good romp of a murder mystery series in the tradition of Agatha Christie and British boarding school stories from a bygone era. Racial diversity, queer secondary characters, hijinks, midnight feasts, amateur detection and even an actual murder on the Orient Express. This is a truly joyous series, full of fun, and murder of course, but that's okay, because the murdered folks are often nasty sorts anyway. There's still a killer to be caught, though, because nobody wants one of those knocking about. I'm up to book five, which is appropriately seasonal, and am thoroughly enjoying them so far.

For what else I read, you can see the full list ​HERE​​​

Having a shit, shit day anxiety-wise. My mind is racing at a million miles and hour and my body is just so, so exhausted with it. Trying to still do little things that are things I can control, and talk myself down from stressing about the things I can't, but it's really hard. My brain doesn't handle situations where there's no clear solution very well. It wants to grind the gears in my head until there's nothing but screaming sounds, even if that is the opposite of helpful.

and all the rest was waking by Lirazel

Very rumbly, raining day today. The storm keeps swinging back. Hope everyone out there is staying safe and dry!

Had to take Mum's cat, Ginger, to the vet today. Don't properly know what's going on with her yet, but our vets are great, so she's in overnight while they do some tests. She's eighteen, mostly deaf and probably a bit senile, so it's a bit difficult to diagnose her. Her bloods were good, apart from hypertension, which can be controlled with medication, but there's something else not right that they haven't quite pinned down.

Still have some planting to do, if I have some space between rainstorms and appointments and really hot days. I would have liked everything to be in the ground by now.

Our copy of Pulp finally arrived today! I'm pleased it got here before Christmas, as it's part of Emma's present. Something else failed to be delivered today and I have no idea what. We had to go to the vet, rather than the post office, so we shan't know what it is until tomorrow at the earliest.

I have been rereading owlet's Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail series as a way of easing back into reading fic after a long absence. The knock on effect, though, is I'm behind on my actual book target. I fear it'll be a race to the finish to make my 400 book target. Right now I'm reading First Class Murder by Robin Stevens, Slaughter on a Snowy Morn by Colin Evans (both library), and Persuasion by Jane Austen, because a conversation made me think of it, and I love it, and it's blessedly quick to read, so it'll help that target get a little closer.

It's apparently a winning combo of Bad Attention Span Day and Bad Anxiety Day today. I have taken a Valium and I'm hoping that will help me chill. Bad Attention Span, as usual, I am just stuck with.

It's pouring with rain and thundery outside, so I don't have to water the garden. I just wish I'd had the opportunity to plant seeds before now.

I guess I'll just watch The Great Christmas Bake Off and resign myself to doing nothing today since I don't even have the focus to type this much without getting distracted half a dozen times.

When I was three, standing in a queue with my mother, I started to sound out a sign in front of me, aloud. That's how she knew I was ready to read. She taught me using hundreds of handmade phonics cards. It started a lifelong obsession with the written word.

I am omnivorous when it comes to content, but I have some passions. Young adult, with a soft spot for nineteenth and early twentieth century. Fantasy and a little science fiction. Queer lit, adult and young adult. Mysteries and true crime, particularly historical true crime. Popular science. Autism and neurology. Biographies of lots of different kinds. Beautiful, diverse comics. Fan fiction in my fandom of the moment, or even old favourites in older fandoms that I just love every inch of.

But whatever I read, I read a LOT. My goal on Goodreads is 400 books this year, and I'm going to meet that comfortably.

But whatever you read, whether it's a lot or a little, I probably have some overlap with you. What do you like to read? Let's talk.

I am making pumpkin soup today, with a quarter of the pumpkin that grew, unbeknownst to us, halfway up our lime tree. It, a white sweet potato, and a red and brown onion are baking in the oven right now to give them flavour and colour, and later, they'll go in a pot and get made into soup.

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I am still knitting blanket squares for our local charity drive. The blankets get given to rough sleepers and families escaping domestic violence situations.

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We are watching Elementary season five. Close to being actually up to date! Also, Endeavour season five. We have, waiting in the wings, Ocean's 8, Agents of SHIELD season three, and pretty much all the Netflix Marvel stuff beyond Daredevil and Jessica Jones season one. We have to be in the right place to watch those, though, they're pretty harrowing.

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Trying to eat better and exercise more, and struggling. It's hard when it's a solitary pursuit. At least in Hill End, I had beautiful walks and a group of friends to walk with once a week.

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Reading in a number of areas right now - Norwegian crime fiction (nearly finished a series that has been so-so), queer teen lit (I'm getting my library to purchase what I can), and true crime, a genre I don't read often but always circle back to. I am still not reading fan fiction, though not for want of trying. My brain's just in a book gear, and there seems to be no shifting it.

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I experimented making gluten free scones, and they were are success, but I have decided that they're going to have to be a very rare treat, because it's hard not to eat the lot when there there, going stale. I might have to only make them when there's plenty of room in the freezer to store them.

So, long time no post! Have some recs. A mix of Avengers and Leverage, for your pleasure.

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Link to Tumblr

Happy hand flapping to Parachute, a Leverage fanvid. I love the vid itself, but the song is just as pleasurable to me. Stimming with my only remaining intact Tangle - the new Therapy I just got out of the box the other day. New purchases will have to wait - I’m probably going to put an order in for a range of new ones in two to three months. For now, I’ve got this one and I’m going to do a dollar shop/toy shop/office supply shop run to find a collection of things I can fit in my pocket for under $5. Wish me luck!

(Originally posted yesterday morning)