For the past five years, I have done a fair share of solo parenting*. There has been a steep learning curve, to say the least. At times, it feels manageable and even adventurous. Other times, I feel exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.  Parenting alone (really, all parenting, amiright?) never gets easy, but I think there are strategies that make it a little more manageable.

I am hoping that these thoughts will be helpful to caregivers who do a lot of parenting on their own. I have found a special camaraderie with friends whose spouses do “unconventional” jobs or have different schedules; my conversations with them are so encouraging. It can be a lonely thing, this figuring out how to be a spouse and a parent when one’s partner is away.

So, here goes. These are some principles that have worked for me when parenting alone.

1. Stick to a routine. My children and I thrive on routine, which, put simply, is doing things at the same time each day. For example, we eat dinner at/around 5:30. My kids are in bed by 6:30/7 on school nights. And so on. Figure out what works for you. Stick to it. Routines keep us adults sane because there are fewer daily problems to solve. Routines are also good for kids, who thrive on knowing what to expect and when to expect it.  Kids experience less uncertainty and anxiety and behavior tends to improve.
2. Plan to break the routine. Create special memories with planned interruptions to the schedule. For example, my daughter has a “slumber party” in my bed each Friday night when Dad is away. This is a calculated change in the routine. She learned long ago (yet still tests at times) that this is a perk saved for her, for Fridays only. We both look forward to it because it is limited, special, and not overwhelming.
3. Make mundane tasks more interesting. Life can be quiet, lonely, and (frankly) boring as the only adult in the house, especially when faced with duties that are necessary but not thrilling (i.e. – washing dishes, packing lunch, etc). A while back, I started to listen to podcasts while I do these things. This practice gets me out of my head, makes me laugh and/or think, and passes the time. I look forward to listening, and therefore I’m more likely to finish the task.
4. Accept help. This is obvious, but I didn’t realize how tricky it was. First, I had to learn what was helpful to me and what was not. It’s ok to turn down offers if they don’t help you. For example, if a neighbor is great about having you over for dinner during the week, this may initially sound WONDERFUL. And without a doubt, it is incredibly thoughtful. However, if this neighbor serves dinner at 7:30 pm (past bedtime) then this generous act will likely not help you (see #1) and, in fact, may make life more difficult. It’s ok to say no. By the same token, ask for what you need from those who  want to help you. Sometimes these friends may not offer, but it is ok to ask. Good friends will decline if they cannot manage it.
5. Teach kids to be independent. This is a work-in-progress for me because it usually takes extra time and energy. However, it is #worthit. Kiddos become more functional; parents have a little extra time to scroll Instagram cook dinner. When I’m at my best (note: not this morning), I’m encouraging Campbell to tackle the following on her own or with minimal help: getting dressed in the morning and after bath, taking dishes to the sink, straightening her room, and setting the table.
6. Contract it out. We have a friend who is known to ask himself, “How can I turn this problem into an expense?” It may sound snarky, but in the right situation, this is a life-saver.  For all of us, it’s helpful to determine which tasks are worth paying someone else to do. At various points in the past few years, the following have landed in this category: meal planning, house cleaning, dog-walking, and (of course) child care. Figure out what your budget is; do what you can for what you need.
7. Choose self-care. Choose self-care over self-comfort. Self-comfort is staying up another hour to watch the next re-run of the Office, even though your infant will wake up at least twice in the next eight hours. Self-care is forcing yourself to go to bed on time. This is a real and present struggle for me. (Thank you, Lazy Genius, for this concept!)
8. Create memories on dreadful days. I once read that a mother took her kids to Disneyland whenever their father deployed. As a result, her children grew up associating those difficult days with fun memories as well. This stuck with me, and I’ve found it helpful for all of us. Do something fun and different on hard days.
9. Get outside. My friend Mary insists that getting outside is good for the soul, especially with kids who are home for several hours at a time. I couldn’t agree more. Last Saturday, it rained virtually all day. At about 4:30 pm, I forced all 4 of us, including the dog, out the door for a walk around the block. There was some whining and gnashing of teeth by the five-year-old, but we plugged along for about 7 minutes and came right home. That very short outing was refreshing before the long evening ahead.
10. Adjust as needed. Things will change; try to be flexible. Last year, my life as a solo parent looked entirely different than this year. Back then, I worked 40+ hours/week, and had a one child in full-time day care. This year, I’m working very part-time and have a wonderful au pair to help me care for my two kids. Last year, my daughter and  I loved Friday dinners out at our local taco joint. This year, I cannot imagine anything more stressful than a dinner out with kids on a Friday night; we almost always do take-out. Our family routine has drastically changed, and that is ok.

I’ll admit that I’m a little nervous to publish this post. Mostly because I am so far from having all of this figured out. I have so much more to learn, especially as a parent and a spouse. But I think it is so important to share our experiences. I’d love to hear how you seek to survive – and enjoy – parenting solo.

*I am always careful to label it “solo” instead of “single,” as the two are very different. Solo parents have a partner, though this person may not be present much of the time in the moment-to-moment, in-the-trenches work of parenting. This partner, theoretically, has the capacity to contribute – financially, emotionally, practically – to the family structure. Single caregivers, on the other hand, face the unique challenge of managing the many aspects of raising a family without a partner to help out. I think it is incredibly important to acknowledge the differences between these two, as well as the privilege associated with solo parenting versus single parenting.