A Plain and Simple Life is a Full Life...

Wow... one year went by... 2008 has been quite a memorable year for me... in terms of my stunted possible relationships or so I thought...

The year started with spending most of my time at work.. as I had to work from 6.30 am to 8pm every day.. until I was promoted to MO ship haha where work usually begins at 8 am and ends at 5.30pm. Better working hours.. but MORE Responsibilities. You get more involved in the patient's management and the housemans would be asking you for further management..and you would be held responsible for everything (almost).

I hated Obs and Gynae but later on I have learnt to like it but not love it just yet.. which means, I am still contemplating if I should really do Obs and Gynae at all. Sigh.

Last night I was on call... I thought it would be a busy night but I was wrong... I slept for 4 hours straight... as there were no new patients from 2 am to 6am... and then, they started coming in at 6 am onwards.. was quite a peaceful night I must say but earlier, the whole place was busy-both Labour Room, Pac and Ward. In total we had 3 Caesars and that was about it. We celebrated New Year together... Loo and Rafiza were there... nice company.. and friends.. thats all I need.. I think for now.

But then again.. soon... or rather eventually they would have to leave... to join their own family, or to 'mengejar impian' whatever it is.. life has to go on.. and I am trying to stay optimistic here..

I have learnt my lesson... that is not to trust anyone I meet online.. ever-the only important thing I learnt in 2008! The rest.. was pretty obvious I guess.. Life is a journey and a learning process so... I hope 2009 will be a more fruitful year.. hopefully I could collect more points for my SKT and CPD.. sigh.. I need to be more hardworking and proactive...

I have not been maintaining this blog.. and its nearing 2008 year end now.. and I guess this would be my last entry for this year I am afraid.

Sigh... a lot has happened.. emotionally.. all for the good reasons I am guessing..

So.. yes, on March, 26th this year, I continued on working in Obs and Gynae Dept.. and I felt as if I am being forced to marry someone I hated... but then, I started to enjoy my job, partly because of my supportive and understanding colleagues. There will be times when I get scolding from the specialist for mismanagement.. nothing that cause any death so far.. never I hope. Then, I was sent to join Paeds in July.. for 3 months.. I hated Paeds.. merely because I couldnt bear the sightof seeing my senior colleagues being verbally abused by their superior. I did not quite like one of them but overall, I enjoyed my rotation, but not to the point that I would want to join them and do that as a career sort of thing. In particular I love Paeds Oncology.. because you really get to know your patient that way.. you see that familiar faces everyday.. you meet their parents... and the sight of you literally brightens their day it seems.. Also my bosses Dr. Ong and Fisorn were brilliant and helpful.

I still remember my first day in Oncology.. it was chaotic.. because I did not know what to do.. what to review.. the typical me of not being able to work outside the box. They helped me admitted one patient each and discharged one patient each.. and I just had to do the bloods. I had to escort a patient earlier.. which was really a waste of time because I didnt bring the old films.. how stupid of me right? I mean come on... you dont need a medical student to know that you need something baseline to compare right? Anyway, thats in the past.

A lot has happened during that attachment though.. a friend got sick... and now diagnosed with pyramidal syndrome.. and another left the dept because she felt like quitting..and occasionally she still would give that a thought. During that attachment, I missed O&G so much that I kept on coming back to see the staffs.. and my friends... not that Paediatrics team were hostile towards me.. in fact, they were quite nice to me.. probably because they knew that I was previously an O&G MO?? or is it because I am likable as a colleague.. and hardworking.

Then.. I was back with O&G again in October... and I was chosen to do Induction.. so there it goes... now I am better with my Caesar.. and Vacumm assessment.. people are gaining more confidence in me.. I have had my bad days though.. 3L blood loss.. I think that was an overestimation.. because we only replaced 1.5L and her Hb was in fact higher than her preop Hb. But that lady was a high risk case for PPH-Gravida 6, Weight > 100kg, Macrosomic baby-4.3kg, Hb of 8.1 and non clinic case.. what was I thinking? Learnt my lesson.. and now.. I would use Pitocin and Carboprost prophylactically. Thats the worst case so far...

My calls have been bad.. hardly I get cool call.. with no instrumental/caesarian at all.. maybe just one.. with Chan.. but that was it.. my calls with Agilan had been really mad.. minimal 5 Caesar.. Max.. 10 so far.. in one day..

Thats my work... friendship wise.. let me see...

• John-down the drain really.. Hopeless case now. The last time we spoke was during induction.. and the last thing I said to him was... why bother sending a text message if you just want to give me a smile... dont bother wasting ur money that way.. and he got pissed with that.. was meant to be a joke.. but maybe just to me.. ah well.. He said I am a stucked up person... am I? I dont think so.. not at all.. in fact I am quite modest.. dont know what he's saying!

• Ricky-this guy has been a true gem really. Great listener and an awesome friend.. I almost lost him really because of my stupidity and believe me.. I cannot even remember what I did.... oh yeah.. now I remember.. I refused to meet up with him when I was in KL the last time.. and earlier I was so looking forward to meet him.. and he felt rejected because of that.. and became withdrawn. Why did I not want to meet him? Because I thought a guy should always go to the girl's place first.. thats the right order right... but I guess I was not being practical at all. Dont know what got into me really... why does it matter anyway who goes where to meet who first? I am meeting him next year.. well thats the plan anyway.. so far..

• Stalker.. I kept on getting this bitchy text messages saying that I am a fake doctor.. and all those crap... unfortunately I have deleted all the messages.. I should have actually gone to the police station to just lodge a report.. wait till the next message..

For the first time.. I had a decent Christmas this year.. with my family in Miri... awesome.. the only thing was that.. I missed 2 Advent masses.. because I was not feeling well.. and I didnt go to confession so I couldnt receive communion at Christmas mass..otherwise it would have been a perfect Christmas at home.. with my family... just like that song.. I'll Be Home For Christmas.. This is only possible because I have such an understanding group of colleagues. God Bless them.

Next plan.. is to attend the Women's Conference in February and then go to KL to meet Ricky. Hopefully we could be friends.. real friends.. :-)

Plan for next year... will only be written down in my Starbucks Diary book...

Wow.. no blogging for the last 3 months.. or more.. perhaps because I was too busy cutting up pregnant women-although I must add, I am not that great in my Caesar just yet. Yes.. kesinambungan cerita..



I was retained in Obs and Gynae as their MO.. because they thought I could be one.. little did they know that I am such a chicken when it comes to doing procedure that involves cutting people up, including episiotomy-but I survived the whole three months.. I hate troubling others.. they knew I was not ready to do Fetal Distress on my own. I get nervous and kept on calling people back...

Sigh... the plan was actually to join Paediatrics last Wednesday and here I am, still in O&G as a medical officer. I dont know how to describe how I feel right now.. it's all mixed feelings and I am so confused right now.. hati berbelah bagi. I dont know.



I used to enjoy working as a houseman there because I know eventually I will leave the department and I do not have to worry about all these pregnant mothers. All I wanted to do is to become a lecturer in the near future, in internal medicine and I want to subspecialise in Endocrinology. Plans.. just making plans..



But here I am, in a whole different department..I am in Obs and Gynae..

Had family photo session today and someone said I am very fair.. wah.. I know I am fair... but didnt think she would point it out to me. Anyways, the photo session was great except that I look so fat and my mum did not smile.. I have no idea why....

At the back of my mind, I am still thinking if I should continue on with Obs and Gynae for another month, just to get cases.. and if I do that, does that mean that I get to do 2 months of Paeds or still 3 months. I am afraid, I still need to do 3 months of Paeds.. and that will delay things further.. but then again, eventually, I will have to join them and do the same thing..for another month.. but as attachment.. meaning I dont have to stay up until 8pm.. sigh.. I hate to make decisions..

Nothing else is new with me. I didnt get to do much of reading either.. sigh. I know I should. I will. I need to read on Paeds, thats for sure. Why am I so lazy and not motivated? Why am I being so rebellious towards God? Why am I not that very obedient like I used to be? So many whys and yet, I have no definite answer to any of these Questions of mine. Sigh.. yet another sigh.

I better continue this writing later.. Have yet to check on my bro's maid who has just got bitten by the dog she knew for almost 10 years.. WHY oh WHY!

Sigh.. a lot of things happened this week.. and I am depressed.. I never felt this low before.. I cried- I thought I would feel better after that but NO..I talked it out to my close friend, but what would not just do it. I dont know what else to do so I turned to God for some peace of my mind... and since then, I never felt better..

I have not been writing since last entry. Everytime I wanted to write something, I would feel too tired to even stay awake to compose what I wanted to write. Perhaps I have been working way too long and seriously, I do need a break from all this..

My friends used to tell me these.. as a houseman, you will get blamed for everything if things do go wrong... but I thought to myself, that is impossible. How can they blame if you have already done your best to manage the situation... IT HAPPENED and it is not entirely my fault-and they do not have to rub it in. The worst part, they have spread the wrong rumour about the whole situation.. I hate that. They make it look as if I am the only person to be blamed here for so called transferring patient who is not stable. She was stable before transfer-when she was in ICU.. she only started to desaturate so quickly when she was in HQE. I realised her saturation was 88-90% when we were halfway through to HQE-in fact we were nearer to HQE. Perhaps it is my fault that I did not call the GA MO earlier ie in the ambulans itself during the transfer-Perhaps he might want me to return to HPL again rather than getting help from the other side to cover their ass..for not assessing the patient well enough.

No one expected the patient to desaturate so quickly when she was laughing and talking away to her husband and relatives. GA realised that her saturation was only between 93-95% on 2L O2 and I asked so many times in the morning, why are they happy with that.. but who would listen to a houseman. They just laughed it off.

The rumour was so bad to the point that I dont even want to write about it. Thinking about it gives me heartache. They kept on calling me about it-when I am on leave. Maybe I should not have agreed to escort the patient in the first place. ONLY IF! Then all these would not have haunt me.. I dont know whats going to happen next and I am worried and scared. What if I am being penalised for all these.. apparently they had board meeting without informing Dr. Soon Ruey.. of course he was mad.. I would be. Why the big fuss.. because the patient is a wife to a well known doctor here.. they would not have gone through this if the patient is a Timorese or something.. such fake fellows! I dont know what else to think of them and I am dreading the thought of going to work.. and having to see their faces.

I got another call from the Radiologist for not asking if the patient has asthma. Of course we did ask her and she said no.. and then, out of a sudden, on Friday, she has asthma.. but the truth is.. she was feeling breathless because of her massive ascites(fluid in her abdomen) and not due to ASTHMA.. I was insulted again for not being ALERT enough during my history taking.. my goodness.. perhaps she herself need to learn how to take the history better.. I hate being scolded for something I did not do!

One call after another.. from Cardiologist.. this time round, I am told to write carefully-something about poor prognosis of one patient with Eissenmenger Syndrome.. and I was just merely copying what has been told to us as a follow up from Keningau H-I did not make it up.. never crossed my mind to falsify documentation.. I have been honest in my work and I know my limitation.. again not my fault.. sucks la.. Hate this life.. hate my job..

I talked about all these to my close friend... he's answer was simple.. at least I get to realised all these in the earlier part of my life and I know how to handle these situations later in life.. It is a good life lesson alright.. that is never to trust anyone else but yourself otherwise, you will have to clean their mess as well. Dr. Chin's motto makes a lot of sense now.. BUT then again, if you continue to do this.. there will not be any relationship right?

WOW.. I didnt know life can be this complicated.. I didnt know work could be this bad.. especially working in Malaysia. No one blames you for whatever happens if you work overseas.. You are safe and protected.. here.. you're exposed... and could be a victim.. anytime, anywhere.. in every situation... that sucks..

Lord, please help me brave through this. I hope the patient is well.. but really, are they going to blame HPL for her current situation? I hope not. It just happened and we did not transfer an unstable patient. She has been on that nasal prong for more than 12 hours! This is ridiculous. We cannot foresee what will happen to her. No one expects her to even have a fit on the ward.. as she was so well.

I can only hope and pray now.. will write again when I know further. By the way, the patient is stable now (so called la) and extubated. Perhaps she is better off in HQE.. after all, we have so many specialist there to brainstorm together.. to find out what the hell is wrong with her!! She is a nice lady.. her body is weird!

I cant believe it but I have completed three months of Obs and Gynae and yet, I have not taken any leave yet! I have not done any Caesarian section and D&C.