tagged by sarah

8 shows I love to watch
i don't watch these shows faithfully, just if i have time, if they're not too scary or if the fam is watching
1. 24 (only on dvd)
2. lost
3. criminal minds
4. ncis
5. bones
6. golden girls
7. 7th heaven
8. college football (should really be #1)

8 things I look forward to
1. Christmas
2. my b-day (what can i say, i like presents. it's terrible i know)
3. hearing from Jesus
4. real relationships
5. saturdays
6. flip-flop weather
7. seeing friends
8. returning to Romania

8 things that happened today
1. a word from the Lord
2. drank coffee
3. ate a cookie
4. blogged
5. took out frozen bananas and butter to make banana bread
i plan to:
6. balance my checkbook
7. do laundry
8. watch a Christmas movie

8 favorite restaurants
1. bubba gump (the best coconut shrimp ever)
2. cheesecake factory
3. that really good mexican food place in ft. worth
4. pretty much any mexican food place
5. barbara jeans (good shrimp and "chocolate stuff" basically a gooey brownie with real whipped cream on top)
6. cracker barrel (blackberry pancakes)
7. huricanne's wings
8. chili's

8 things on my wish list
1. itunes $ (i love music)
2. a plane ticket to romania
3. a plane ticket to ireland
4. clothes
5. crocs
6. church with my fam
7. friends in florida
8. peace on earth

8 people to tag
i don't tag, or pass on forwards...sorry

the truth

it's been a while since i've given a real post. i think mostly because i've been dealing with hard/heart issues and haven't really known what to say or how to say it. i guess i'll start from the beginning...
part 1-church fellowship and reasons for going to church
even as i'm writing this i have to remind myself, "church isn't about friends." you don't go to church to be with friends, make friends, etc. we go to church to worship the Lord, to be trained in the Word and to have fellowship with other believers. we're also a part of a local church to use our gifts that the Lord has given us, that the body of Christ may become mature. fellowship is just one facet. but God created us for relationships, not only with Him, but with other people as well. so it makes sense to desire realness and depth. i always go back to Romans 1:11-12 "i long to see you that i may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong, that is that you and i may be mutually encouraged by one another." paul wrote several times that he longed or desired to be with a certain body of believers. so i know that fellowship/community is supposed to be a part of the church.
however, it's not been that way for me since march. i've gone to church to hear the word and to worship the Lord. but many Sundays i've gone because it was the right thing to do. UGH!!!! i can't believe i've been one of those people!!!!
part 2-a burden for truth and unity
my mom found out some hard things about her church and it's liberalness. a few months ago she was distraught on a Sunday morning not knowing what to do. i also had just been feeling a burden that our family should be in church together. so we prayed that God would just give us direction.
part 3-visions
i always have these really weird and vivid dreams. and sometimes they come true. i know it's silly. like deja vu. but there are moments when i know i've had a conversation before and i know it's because i've dreamt it. so i've been praying that God would given me a real vision, not just something silly like one of my students asking for help in math.
and i think He did. a few weeks ago i dreamt that my whole family was in church together.
part 4-frustrations
so i've been dealing with this burden and vision of being in church with my family and not having fellowship in my own church. and i haven't been to church in 3 weeks. (1 week doesn't count because i was out of town.) every Sunday morning my mom and i meet in the living room and say, "what are we going to do? where are we going to church?" and we don't know. and we pray. and i cry. and we get on the internet and look up churches in the area. and i get frustrated because there's so much i don't understand about the Word and what God really cares about when it comes to church and the fact that my family won't go to a southern baptist church and how am i supposed to cross denominational lines and are there other churches that teach what i believe to be true and where are they and if i don't go to a southern baptist church how will i go to golden gate seminary and why did i think i was supposed to join my church and how can i just leave? so that's a lot of frustration and stuff to deal with. and i've just been carrying it. and it's affected my relationship with Jesus. and HELLO, i haven't been to church in three weeks. and what made me the saddest about not going to "my church" is that i didn't care that i wasn't going to "my church."
part 4-the decision
so we're going to try a church on Sunday called Celebration Church. it's come up in some random conversations with coworkers and acquaintances. it's different and it's a stretch, but i feel like it's the right step.
part 5-confirmation
i was still thinking about it yesterday and this morning as i was lying in bed, i feel like God said, "church membership is a man-made law." and right after that i was reminded about something i read this week in My Utmost about being loyal to Jesus and nothing and no one else. i'm NOT saying that we shouldn't join churches. but i do need to be loyal to Christ. not to "my" convictions, denomination, church, ministry, etc. (mmmm...even as i'm writing this i'm reminded of Jesus asking Peter, "do you love Me more than these?") i don't want to be like the pharisees, who were so set in their ways and laws that A) they didn't recognize the Savior when He was staring them in the face and B) they weren't willing to budge from they way things had always legalistically been done.
part 6-call for prayer
without faith it is impossible to please God. so if we take the flip of that...faith pleases God.
but it's still scary.
i know my readers pretty well...i can guess that you're thinking one of two things
1. stop being such a baby!
2. oh my gosh, are you sure about stepping away from a southern baptist church?
well, that's what i'm thinking and that's probably what i'd say to one of you if you were in my situation.
just if you read this, pray that I'd be loyal to Jesus. pray the fulfillment of the vision-the Hastings family in church...and not just in church, but loving Jesus. pray that we'd be directed to the church God wants us to be a part of. pray for my old church/sunday school to continue to grow in depth and breadth.

"While you were sleeping"

This is an intense song off the Casting Crowns Christmas CD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rqhG2yT-58

The CD in its entirety is great, a true blessing and worshipful. I was blown away by these lyrics though. So many people are "asleep" in their faith and will not be ready when the Bridegroom returns.

Blessings to you this Christmas season. Praying that it will be about Jesus.

excellent in the ordinary

this just keeps coming up in my life so it must be something i need to learn and share with you.
10/21 my utmost said, "it is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God; but we have not. we have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people..." (mean means average here, not unpleasant)
10/22 streams in the desert the angel of the Lord came to Moses while he was involved in his every day work (tending the sheep). He seeks a man traveling an ordinary road.

there's so much truth in that. we do think that we have to do something different, extraordinary, earth-shattering. even when we know God's told us, "I'm going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." what if the utterly amazing was that we walked with Jesus every day of our lives? what if we loved our students and their parents and they saw Jesus in us (even though they don't know it's Jesus right now)? what if we loved our neighbor as ourself (for me today, that means letting everyone in front of me in traffic and not calling them jerks)? what if we really did everything for the glory of the Lord? what if we made disciples within our families and neighborhoods?

i keep telling my girls that God wants to do something amazing in their lives, that He wants us to live abundantly. and that's truth. but that amazingness (new word) starts now. as we're walking this road. as we're tending these sheep. as we abide in His word and become conformed to the image of His Son. in the day in, day out ordinary life He's set before us.

live excellently

this post is dedicated to:
my friends that keep saying, "when are you moving back to texas?" (insert lubbock and dallas where texas is written and that question becomes more accurate; you know who you are)

i feel the love
it's sweet to be missed
but it's also sweet to be where God wants me

so until further notice, i'll be here. in florida.
and you shall be known as "Job's companions"
better than "satan," don't you think.
i'll pray for you

maybe you'll all move to florida
that would be perfection

i heart texas

well at least fellowship found in the state of texas
and the west texas sunsets
and dairy queens at every town
but mostly the fellowship
love y'all

long overdue

it's been a while, i know, i know...
the Lord is dealing with me in many ways...
learning that to be a poured out drink offering, you first have to be crushed up...uncomfortable.
got a new devotional book that i'll be using the next 8 weeks...so far, so good...just been needing to take it to the next level.
church has been good...learning about the godly kings of the bible and the traits we can apply to our lives. our sunday school class is growing, so that's exciting.
church might be taking a trip to east asia within the next year...very, very tempting. very torn between that and a visit to romania.
work's been challenging, but good. sometimes i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall, but i realize that i just need to get out of the way and live a surrendered life. it's not about me. it's about Jesus and what He wants to do through me. praying for the Word to fall on good soil and for divine appointments to speak life and truth into the girls.

The Cross

I know I've been quoting others recently, but Solomon did say, "There's nothing new under the sun." I read this today in Streams in the Desert.

Mark 8:34 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

"The cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes. I may have to be content with mundane tasks in a limited area of service, when I may believe my abilities are suited for much greater work. I may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever. I may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me and to bestow sympathy and comfort to him. I may have to openly testify of my Master before those who do not want to be reminded of Him or His claims. And I may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking.

Yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. Yet Jesus is never as near to me as when I lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit..."

He remains

Sometimes truth is so encouraging. This was September 6th's entry in Streams in the Desert:

"There are so many people who sit by their fireplace all alone! They sit by another chair, once filled (or with the dream of being filled), and cannot restrain the tears that flow. They sit alone so much, but there is someone who is unseen and just within their reach. But for some reason, they don't realize His presence. Realizing it is blessed yet quite rare. It is dependent upon their mood, their feelings, their physical condition, and the weather. The rain or thick fog outside, the lack of sleep and the intense pain, seem to affect their mood and blur their vision so they do not realize His presence.
There is, however, something even better than realizing, and even more blessed. It is completely independent of these other conditions and is something that will abide with you. It is this: recognizing that unseen presence, which is so wonderful, quieting, soothing, calming and warming. So recognize the presence of the Master. He is here, close to you, and His presence is real. Recognizing will also help your ability to realize but is never dependent upon it.
Yes, there is immeasurably more--the truth is a presence, not a thing, a fact, or a statement. Some One is present, and He is a warmhearted Friend and the all-powerful Lord. This is a joyful truth for weeping hearts everywhere, no matter the reason for the tears, or whatever stream their weeping willow is planted beside."

(italics mine)

God is preparing you for the platform

Last Sunday my pastor gave a great sermon. He's doing a series about the Isrealite kings; well those of them that were considered "good." This week he talked about David, specifically David and Goliath. (I actually don't think I've ever heard a sermon about David and Goliath; just Sunday school lessons).
David didn't just meet up with Goliath; he had to be prepared for this platform of ministry and victory. He was an obscure fellow. The youngest of his family. A sheep-herder for crying out loud! All his bros were off to war and David's dad says, "take your brothers some bread and take cheese to their commander."
1. David had to be faithful in the little things. Delivering bread and cheese may not seem significant but if David hadn't followed through he would have missed out on defeating Goliath. David could have said, "this is ridiculous. I've already been anointed king. I'm too good to be errand boy." But he didn't. He was faithful in the little things. And...
2. David was obedient. The Bible says he obeyed all that his father commanded. He didn't put it off either. It says he got up early the next morning. We have to obey the authorities God places in our lives; parents, bosses, laws, etc. Disobedience is direct rebellion against God. Yikes. ("Delayed obedience is disobedience!")
3. The preparation got David ready for the platform. Our sheep herding friend protected his flock. As King Saul was telling him, "You're just a boy! You can't face the giant," David was able to reply with confidence about fighting off bears and lions. If we think about Olympians, they train for years for just moments of fame. We don't like trials, practice, dicipline, but without them we have no platform.
We are often tempted to give up when we're only on the training stages. God is prepping us for something huge and we think, "It's too hard! I can't handle this! It's not worth it!" Maybe we're afraid of bears and lions (rightly so!). But our God is faithful. Culture says we can have "it" now, but are we willing to wait for the platform that God is preparing us for.
As Strap always says, "You're in the sowing stage of life, not the reaping stage."

waiting for Fay

well, kids, we've been watching the weather all week as tropical storm fay makes her way up florida. it looks as though she's a-comin'.
work called last night and said i'm welcome to stay there because they will be having school no matter the weather (public schools for the county are cancelled wednesday and thursday). i guess that's a win-win situation. at least i won't have to cross the 3 mile bridge in high winds with river water flooding me out.
i think this is my first real hurricane/tropical storm, though i've lived on the coasts most of my life. exciting stuff.

funny turns true

a while back in one of my beth moore studies we talked about spine issues and rib issues for the church. spine issues are things you can't bend on like salvation, the trinity, Jesus being the only way to heaven, the authority of the word of God, etc. rib things issues are things that in the scheme of life are really just interpretations and (often denominational) preferences and traditions. these might include the modern day existence of certain spiritual gifts, types of worship, and other issues that come up.

i was talking about this with my girls the other day. i said spine issues are dangerous. if you break your back, you could die. rib issues aren't such a big deal.

one of them added wittily, "unless you puncture a lung!"

we all laughed, but then i realized she's right. so many problems occur (church splits, broken relationships, creation of denominations...or non-denominations) because we allow small misunderstandings to become big ones. we allow cracked ribs to become as serious as a broken back; WE are the ones that puncture lungs, leaving churches and people lifeless.

Jesus prayed that we would be one. i know i'm just as guilty as everyone else, but sometimes i think we are more focused on the growth of our church and our cause than on the kingdom of God.

interesting reading

for work i have to read a few books and i just finished up addicted to recovery. it has been very eye-opening. here are a few thoughts:

• self-esteem is at the heart of our rebellion and is therefore certainly not a solution to our problems
• we are determined to avoid talk of sin and rebellion as the source of our bad feelings...it is only when we take our rightful place before our Creator that we find any real pleasure in life
• psychology is a false gospel, leading people to a false hope and false peace
• true gospel is God-centered...gospel delivered by psychology is man-centered
• the Bible teaches we sin by choice...psychology that we sin because of what someone has done to us
• we try to forgive others not because God commands it, but to reduce our anxiety and depression; we sing praises not because God is worth, but because it will make us feel better
• the wisdom of man is relative, situational and ever-changing. it is prone to error and cannot be trusted (in comparison to the wisdom of God)
• a Christian cannot counsel an unbeliever except to state truthfully that one outside Christ has no hope.

so many of the classes i took in college i believed as truth. i never even second-guessed their validity, their ability to stand up next to the gospel. even "Christian" counselors can be guilty of leading people astray. we need to make sure we are firmly planted in the Word of God; it is applicable for every situation we face; we need to call sin what it is (SIN) and stop placing blame. we try to solve problems, to help people, but we need to realize that without Christ, they are helpless and hopeless.

Leti

this little girl was full of life...and trouble. she loved everyone and everytime someone took a picture she said, "aver"- "show me." here we are drawing before church starts.
one afternoon we played a game where she'd make a face and i'd take her picture. these are just 3 of the 15 pictures that i took.


there were other times when she was tired, or just wanted to be held. one of the older kids is holding her here and about 5 minutes later she was in my arms.

What does God want you to do?

Friday afternoon we drove to La Bufa. It is a high point in the city of Zacatecas, Mexico. We had to obviously drive up the mountain and as we were climbing I was just amazed at all the we could see. I was then reminded of my very first mission trip when Strap took us up to Griffith Park and had us look out over LA and told us to think about the number of lost people out there. He asked, "What does God want you to do?" Steve had told us earlier in the week that only 1% of the Mexican population is Christian. To look out over this city and to know that most of them will never know the Truth was breaking my heart. Then to think about the world, even more so. I don't know what God wants me to do. He said "Go" and I went. He tells us all to go. We are without excuse. Romans tells us that the world is without excuse as they can see Him in creation. But how can they know if no one tells them?

Santo Nino

On Thursday we went to the "Home of Santo Nino," the Holy Child. It is the 3rd most visited religious sight in Latin America. Supposedly years ago a rancher was lost in the desert and dying when a child came to him and gave him food and water. He built the church below for the child.

People who want Santo Nino to answer their prayers carry rocks up the hill. The larger the rock, the more likely it supposedly is that your prayer will be answered.

The whole town worships this saint. The tarps are covering up their outdoor shops where idols are sold. You can also by a small religious icon if you believe that Santo Nino has given you a miracle.

These icons are given to the church there to make murals. This one has over 20,000 pieces--over 20,000 people believing that Santo Nino answered their prayer and gave them a miracle. There was an entire room with these murals.

There was also a building with letters, pictures, notes, children's clothing, etc brought by people as either an answer to prayer (to Santo Nino) or requesting prayer. Room after room.

This was eye opening to the powerful grip that Catholisism has on people's lives. It is illegeal to witness/hand out religious tracks in the town where this is. Steve and Amber used to have weekly Bible Studies there and the church would ring the bells so that people would close their shops and shut their doors. This town reminded me of the story in Acts 19 where Paul and the disciples were witnessing in Ephesus and the silversmith and the townspeople were enraged that they were taking away business from Artemis/Diana.

The Children's Home

This is the outside of the children's home, where 29 kids are right now. They were so well behaved and it was great to see how the older ones take care of the younger ones.

They are on summer break right now, so they spend most of the day playing. They were able to entertain themselves very well. We ate breakfast and lunch with them most days were were there. We were able to help out, getting laundry done, cooking, cleaning, fixing things around the house.

Lena and Jaquelin taking a little siesta on the front porch. When the sun was out it was warm, but it actually rained most afternoons, cooling things off.

Azucena (like Suzanna) and I became friends. She's 12 and has an older brother at home. She has a speech problem due to being tongue tied until recently.

This was our whole team, plus Steve and Amber Benedict (and little Marisela)

Beautiful Old Mexico

Lots and lots of cactus...as far as the eye can see

We were several thousand feet above sea level; the sun felt warmer and the clouds closer

yes, those dudes are wearing sombreros. we were in a cowboy town and many rode their horses for transportation and cows used the road to get home

this is a snapshot of the "mision biblica" where the missionaries Steve and Amber bring people to church (they pick them up in vans) and Steve preaches and teaches. we were able to paint the inside of the sanctuary on Tuesday

be still

been doing a little thinking/processing the last few days. seminary is expensive. and as always, i was worrying about the future this weekend. then i read in my utmost for His highest, "Do not fret - it leads only to evil" (ps 37:8). so instead of fretting, i decided just to change my budget around so that i could save more money. the next day the title for my utmost was "don't calculate without God."
ok God, what are you trying to say here?
He hasn't told me to go to seminary, but it's just something i can't shake.
He hasn't told me to be on the foreign mission field, but again, it just keeps coming up.
but this morning at church we sang 2 songs that come out of psalm 46. as i was looking at it, i realized something.
vs 11 "be still and know that i am God. i will be exalted among the nations. i will be exalted on the earth."
God WILL be exalted among the nations. period. He doesn't need me to go to seminary, earn a degree in global studies, or go to the farthest corner of earth for Him to be exalted. He might allow me to be a part of it. but He doesn't need me.
i am to be still. to stop striving, planning, and calculating.
and i am to know that He is God. He is self-sufficient. He's got it under control. He will be exalted.

i must be bored

i am: eating homemade banana icecream
i dream: in Romanian sometimes
i think: about the future a lot
i know: Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever
i want: to sleep in tomorrow
i have: a great job
i wish: plane tickets/travel was not so expensive
i hate: drivers who think they own the road
i miss: bethany
i fear: being lonely when i'm old
i feel: content
i hear: a ticking clock
i smell: like smoke from a camp fire
i crave: fellowship
i search: the internet for information
i wonder: if I could take the love of Jesus to all the nations
i regret: stupid, stupid mistakes my first 2 years of college
i love: Jesus
i ache: across my shoulders, up my neck and into my head...every day
i care: not about politics
i always: get excited about the olympics
i am not: athletic
i believe: Jesus is the way, the truth and the life
i dance: spontaneously
i sing: in the car
i cry: when i don't get my way...so, so childish, i know
i don’t always: make my bed
i fight: rarely
i write: to express myself and to encourage others
i lose: and get mad
i never: thought i'd be living with my parents again
i listen: as best i can when people talk
i can usually be found: by the pool on saturdays
i need: Jesus
i am happy about: 3 day weekends
i desire: heart friends in florida
i hope: brianna and sammi get to come for a visit

continuation

and today i checked my bank account and my tax refund was there to actually pay the bill that upset me so last week.
God and His timing are always perfect.

conversation

this took place between God and myself Monday night and Tuesday morning:
Monday night
me: i guess i'm mad. i just got this 2nd bill from physical therapy that i though i'd already paid. i know it's not worth getting mad about. it's just money.

Tuesday morning:
(as i'm in the snooze phase, not quite awake, kind of still dreaming)
God: do you want to drink from the Living Water?
me: woah...where did that come from? what was i dreaming?
(still not sure about this one)
(reading from Streams in the Desert before walking out the door)
"Jesus stopped and responded to two blind men who had called out to Him. 'What do you want me to do for you?' It was as though He said, 'I am yours to command...He seems to be saying, 'All my resources are at your command.'

(in the car on the way to work)
me: i guess i'm just stressed out about money for my mission trip to Mexico. if i have to spend my money on PT then i don't have as much. Lord i just really thought you were going to provide. i didn't think i was going to have to spend my money.
meditating on 1 chronicles 29:11-12 ...riches and honor come from you alone, and you are ruler over all mankind...ok, Lord it's all Yours anyways. i just wanted to have faith that you'd provide. i didn't want to have to ask people, to raise support. i wanted to be like george meuller.
God: have you even asked me?
me: huh? i don't know. maybe i haven't. maybe i just thought you'd take care of it, but never asked. ... (30 seconds or so pass) ... ugh! why am i having such a hard time asking? i guess because i don't just want to seek you for your provision. i want to seek your face not your hand. do you even enjoy giving? is it ok to ask?
God: Ask and it will be given to you; Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (mt 7:7, 9-11)
me: ok, so i just ask that you provide for my trip to Mexico
God: I will meet all your needs according to my glorious riches

driving home from work on the phone:
mom: i have some good news.
me: oh yeah, what's that?
mom: dad said he's going to pay for your mission trip.

i don't remember what i said after that...i was crying though.
God is good.

bhag

big, humongous, audacious goal
i heard this on the radio tonight and am sorting out my life goals into big, but definitely reachable vs bhags

another good quote:
don't react to your life, but be proactive

a good day

i think sometimes when you have a good day you just need to share it with the ones you love.
today was such a day. it was different, to say the least. instead of being in front of the class most of the day i took the back seat to others, wiser and more experienced...my bosses. it was sweet. not because i didn't have to "work," but because i got to learn. my direct supervisor will be teaching a bible study on the book of Romans this summer, and it was so, so good today. she is a great teacher. she's also been playing some songs by big daddy weave and having us listen to the lyrics...amazing stuff if you take the time to hear what's being said.

here are some things that i was encouraged by just as i was reading through Romans 1
v5 through (Jesus) we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations
i still get all stirred up every time i read about "the nations." and paul realized that it was for the glory of God that he was being sent into the nations with the gospel
v8 your faith is proclaimed in all the world
wow! paul is telling the Roman believers that their faith is known throughout the world. what does the world say about us? about believers in the USA? i have a sad, sad feeling it's not our faith they're talking about.
v18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth
unrighteousness suppresses the truth. is there anything i'm doing that is hindering the truth from being spread?

another sweet moment today happened during our reading of the old testament this morning. we've been reading through 2 kings and keep coming upon kings that "followed the Lord, but/nevertheless/however..." didn't follow Him completely. they compromised. they left up the high places. they didn't inquire of the Lord. they weren't men after His heart. one of the girls said something really profound. we've got to live life with "no conjunctions."
i'm seriously thinking about putting that on a tee-shirt.

when is it ok to say no?

this is a question in my life right now. i'm reading a book about boundaries, but apparently i need to read faster.
so, i'm just throwing the questions out there friends...
how do you set boundaries?
when is it ok to say no?
what if you feel like saying no isn't an option?

happenings

last week i read a book called the shack. i can't decide if i recommend it because it's a little on the mystical side, and i would only want to truly recommend something that's based on truth. but this book did make me want to know Jesus more intimately, and i believe there is truth woven in.
the book is about a man's struggle after his daughter was kidnapped and evidence is found in an abandoned shack that she was murdered. several years later he receives a mysterious note from "Papa" (the name his wife intimately calls God) inviting him back to the shack. Mack decides to go for it and meets the Trinity there.
ponderings while reading:

• our perceptions of God are not always correct
• God desires that we be one with Him, and that is so, so intimate
• God did His part that all peoples might come back into right relationship with Him, the rest is up to man
• predestination...though God knows who will chose Him, He desires for all to come...He's not sending man to hell in His wrath...man chooses it for himself
• God knows how many times He has to teach us something before we get it; each time we don't get it we are disciplined or rebuked by our loving Father but He rejoices in "only 46 more times to go!" (i don't know how much truth is in that, but i thought it was funny)
• we are judgemental beings...and we have no right to be

as i was reading the book i also read John 15:15, "I have called you friends." i shared with my students the other day that we can be friends with Jesus and that i've been praying for that side of our relationship to be strengthened (because i have no friends here in florida!). one of them was funny...she said, "i never thought of ms. angela needing other friends. i thought we were enough. i guess i never thought of life outside." oh how small their worlds are!

we also are reading through 1 kings right now. solomon just finished building the temple and prayed "that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other" 1 kings 8:60. we talked about what a blessing it was that solomon prayed for us! later in the day we read john 11 where mary and martha tell Jesus, "if only you had been here our brother would not have died." we talked about our "if onlys... and yeah, buts...." and Jesus' response is, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

oh that all the peoples of the earth would see the glory of God!

so, now that it's almost over i feel that i can share about my fast...my 40 day no tv or movies fast. it's been rough some days, i'm not gonna lie. the last 2 fridays i've just wanted to veg after a long work week!
it all started with that Beth Moore study. God just kept bringing it up...getting rid of the things that don't glorify Him, or edify me; letting Him sanctify me through and through. i wasn't sure what to cut out so i just did it all. really, really hard thing to do considering there is a tv in almost every room in the house AND outside on the back porch. i must admit, a few times i turned around when someone was making a great golf shot (i don't even like golf), or when i overheard a really funny commercial, but i usually tried to keep my distance.
what i've learned:

• we waste a lot of time watching tv
• we watch a lot of things we, as Christians, shouldn't
• we tolerate, thus accept, a lot of immorality by watching said programs
• i'm challenged to watch less tv during the week, maybe none monday through thursday
• i'm challenged about the shows i watch...will i continue to tolerate the sexual innuendos, the swearing and cursing, the murder, etc?

i'll say it again...this is HARD! i would consider myself to be a pretty intolerant person when it comes to immorality in the media (my brother would consider me extremely intolerant). but perhaps i need to be more intolerant.

being at home with God anywhere

i was reading My Utmost for His Highest on Monday and was challenged about my spiritual habits. i'm not talking about disciplines, i'm talking about human habits we make for ourselves. like 'don't disturb me with your ministry need now, this is my prayer time' or 'God can only speak to me during my quiet time which is on the flowered couch in my living room.'
"Jesus was at home with God anywhere. Is there anywhere where you are not at home with God?" i just prayed that God would give me ears to hear Him anywhere, specifically while i'm reading through the Bible with my girls each day. in school we are reading through the Bible in a year, old testament passages in the morning and new testament in the afternoon. there is also a little story that goes along with one of the verses.
so i'm just praying that i would be at home with God and that He would speak to me every day as we are reading and that i can share that with the girls.
i have such a sweet opportunity for discipleship. i NEVER thought i would find a job that included speaking truth into people's lives and encouraging them in their walks' with Christ. i mean, i asked for that kind of job...so i shouldn't be surprised but i still am.

where do i begin?

So, I think I'm going through a time of pruning. My Thursday morning Beth Moore study is When godly people do ungodly things. Friends, this is an eye-opening study about people who love Jesus dearly, walk with Him faithfully and yet, are led astray by the evil one into sin. It's so challenging and so good. The verse that i've been meditating on the past couple weeks is:
"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
So I've just been praying that He would sanctify me through and through, and that required a little action on my part. One of the quotes from the study says, "I truly loved the Word and had begun to study it fervishly, but the enemy could still have victory over me because I was unknowingly blocking the power and protection of the Word from parts of my life that I either ignored or denied." I'm realizing that I rationalize sin away. Ugh! Things that so much of the world, even many believers would not consider sin. Such as, going 2-5 miles over the speed limit; watching certain shows on TV. God wants ALL of me. His word, thankfully is able to do a lot of the sanctifying...to the deepest parts! Check out Hebrews 4:12 in the Amplified version
"The Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energizing and effective]; it is shaper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart."

So, speaking of joints and marrow...my doctor thinks I have gout. I just have to say that this makes me think of the Lunch Lady Song (aka Sloppy Joe) by Adam Sandler. However, I now think that it's terrible that he used gout in a song because it's a horribly painful ordeal. Unlike the lunch lady (who had to wear brown orthopedic shoes 'cause she had a bad case of the gout), mine is in my hand. Right hand, pointer finger to be exact. You'd be surpised how little you can do when your dominant hand/finger are in excrutiating pain. I did get medicine, which I was supposed to take until the pain went away OR I got sick to my stomach. Hmmmm, can't quite decide which was worse: crying myself to sleep and waking up everytime I moved or not sleeping through the night because I have to go to the bathroom every couple hours. I'll stop there with the details. The pain did go away for 3 days...but it has unfortunately started to return. For those of you who know anything about gout and are wondering, I will answer the question you know you want to ask, "NO I have not been on a beer drinking binge." I don't think that would line up with being sanctified through and through.

the rubber is hitting the road...

...literally. i'm driving 50 miles a day as i travel to and from work. one little jaunt is on an 8 lane, 3 mile long bridge that my mom used to have reaccuring nightmares about. as the wind nearly blew me out of my lane today, i began to understand why. to pass the 30-45 minutes each way i sometimes enjoy the silence, sometimes listen to music, and in the mornings listen to a sermon. only occassionally do i yell at the other drivers. i have been pleasantly surprised that the commute has been less busy and easier than i thought it would be. perhaps next week i can do it with my eyes closed...after crossing the bridge of course. this morning i thought i would be travelling just so, as i was more tired than usual. 15 minutes after i was supposed to get up, i heard the alarm going off, from it's resting place on my chest. i don't really remember reaching for my phone on the nightstand or pushing snooze 2 times, but apparently i did.

...figuratively. who knew that i would use my training from romania here in the states (besides God)? sometimes i just chuckle to myself as i read a procedure or sit through a long staff meeting or hear a story. i guess doing it all before, in another language, is God's way of making this transition back into the real world a little easier for me.

what is it, you may ask? well i still haven't figured it all out, but i am enjoying it. i think if i could remember more of what i learned in high school i would love it even more! i love the girls. i love our time of bible reading together in the mornings and afternoons. they are so insightful! i love when they succeed during school. i love that they are challenged to have integrity and to honor God in all that they do.

it is definitely a mentally draining job. there are so, so many procedures and i haven't begun to touch all of my responsibilities. every day i walk in the door exhausted. though i have loved being in all of my bible studies, i am ready for them to be over so that i can be home before 8 or 9 more often. i have been conned into leading next week's crown financial life group; tomorrow morning i'm bringing snack for my beth moore study. (did i tell you that my boss is letting me continue to go to this until it's finished in may?) i'll be glad to be in one at a time from now on, though i will always look back on these three months as a sweet time of learning and rest, and when He made me lie down in green pastures. from laying down to running...i keep thinking, "where was the warm up?"

pray that my body would catch up to my spirit
pray that i would be a light
pray for the girls to know and love Jesus

watch your back?

so i had a little scriptural encouragement that i wanted to share with you all today. as i think i've mentioned, i'm in a small group on thrusday mornings and we just recently started studying "Why Godly People Do Ungodly Things" by the one and only beth moore. it's hard to wrap it up into a sentence, but it's basically about not getting seduced into sin. last week as she was teaching via dvd, she shared that we are not to turn our back on the enemy. we need to be aware of his schemes and know that he is prowling around like a lion looking to devour (1 peter 5:8). she told us about her time in africa and getting to pet some really cute baby lions. when she was leaving, she turned her back to go out the gate. the caregiver grabbed her arm and said, "NEVER turn your back on a lion." they are powerful, wild and unpredicable. she then shared that in ephesians 6 the only unprotected part of our bodies when we put on our spritual armor is our back. check it out. you've got your helmet. your breastplate. your shoes. your shield. but there's nothing on your back.
that's been on my mind all week long. my back is out there for an attack.
we DO need to be aware of the devil's schemes. actually as i'm writing this i am reminded of something i saw on either animal planet or discovery about the sunderban tigers in india. unlike most tigers, these are man eating. they unsuspectingly attack the back of the neck and drag their prey off, never to be seen again. many fisherman and those who live in the area wear masks on the back of their head, trying to trick the tiger. at least that way, they can see the attack coming.
the attack is undoubtedly coming if we are walking with God. the only question is when. as i said, we need to be aware of satan's schemes and watch our backs. but today as i was reading in isaiah 55 i found something very encouraging.

the Lord’s glory will be your rear guard.

how cool is that? the Lord is bringing up the rear. He's got your back! we do need to be alert as peter tells us, but we don't need to worry about attacks unknown to God. He is sovereign. He is all powerful. and He is the ultimate authority in the universe. as we gird ourselves with the full armor of God, we can be assured that we've got backup and we're not fighting on our own.

to the nations

Psalm 96:3 Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
Psalm 108:3 I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.
Psalm 105:1 Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

Tonight at church we had a group called This Hope lead us in worship. No joke, I sat through the first song with my mouth wide open because they were so good. At one point during the evening they quoted a verse, which I know is from Psalms but I can't find it. There are SO many verses that talk about praising God among the nations, making known to the nations what great things He has done, etc. As they were saying it, I had a mini vision of going to all the nations...or at least all the continents...at some time during my life to declare His glory and to share Jesus. Whoa. Sometimes I wonder where these thoughts come from.

I have unofficially (or perhaps officially, I'm not sure how it all works) been asked to be on my church's missions commitee...committee...I'm going to have to learn how to spell that...so that's exciting. Not really sure what that entails. Don't know if it's just for this upcoming trip to Mexico or for missions in general. I'm excited that the church is getting excited about missions...well at least the church leadership is getting excited.

"because you say so i will let down the nets"

my friend brianna had a good word for me today. i've been praying about taking this job, but my heart has been heavy about it. career changes are a big, scary step. i so fervently prayed that if i was going to have a job that God would give it to me...and yet, i've doubted that this is from Him. it's so hard to think about getting involved with troubled kids again. my flesh says, "been there, done that," but apparently i'm not finished. like peter said (luke 5:5) "Master we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything." i have toiled, grown weary and exhausted. and don't get me wrong, God is so, so good. the kids in Romania are miraculously different than they were 3 years ago. to say i "haven't caught anything," that there hasn't been fruit would be unrecognition of the work of the Lord. i keep saying i want to do ministry, to speak truth to people, to help them to see the life-changing power of the word. God forgive me, i think i wanted to help hurting people without getting down and dirty. (sidenote: for those of you who don't know, i feel like i am supposed to write a book about how God is our Father) i guess i just wanted to write about it without walking people through it. just as peter thought he was done fishing for the night, i thought i was finished with teenagers living in a group home; i thought i was finished with teaching in the academic world. but apparently there are still fish to catch. the Lord still has some things to show me about Himself, that He doesn't do things the conventional way. so because He says so, i will let down my nets. i know they are going to be full.

ha!

so for at least a week i've been praying that if God wants me to have a job that He would just give it to me. i didn't know how that was going to work, still not sure if it has. but i did have a job interview and i did get offered the job today. i sent my resume to Hosanna House a while ago and heard back from the director within a few days but she said that she'd call. it's been a few weeks now, maybe a month, and she called me this morning. i was there for 3 HOURS! we just talked about life and ministry and what they're all about. we prayed together before i left. it was good. i have to give her an answer by thursday. how am i going to know what to do? how do we ever know what to do?
http://www.hosannahouse.com/

news

i just have to say that i love my pastor (he thinks "chocolate thunder from down under" will be on the dessert menu every night in heaven and i wholeheartedly agree). we're not yet buddies like strapp and i were but he preaches the word. this morning he brought it. he was planning on teaching the armor of God, but was compelled to preach from Proverbs 6

16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

we just talked about pride this morning. getting ourselves off the throne and doing things God's way. it's so good to be a part of a church where the truth is spoken and the fear of man is put aside. we are so likely to become comfortable; pray that we don't! the Christian life isn't about having all your ducks in a row. it's not about continuing to live in sin because i'm forgiven anyways. it's about being about the things of God. following Him at all cost.

(climbing down off the soapbox)

so i signed up to go with the church to mexico this summer. so far, God's not saying no, and i figure, why not? money is not an issue for Him, so i can't make that an excuse.

i'm working on the book. it's not an easy task. all prayers are welcome.

beth moore - part 2

Have you ever been to a conference or a church service and you feel like the speaker has prepared what they are saying because they know what is going on in your life and it's meant for you? That's what happened this weekend.

Beth started off by referring to Matthew 20 when the 2 blind men are crying out to Jesus "Son of David, have mercy on me!" and Jesus asked, "What do you want me to do for you?" (see blog from 2/29 for the irony in this). Then she had us all write down in our listening guides what we want Jesus to do for us during the conference. I wrote something like: Jesus I need vision for my life. I need to know what you want me to do.
Unbeknownst (that is a real word isn't is?) to me the entire weekend was focused on the passage Philippians 3 and taking hold of the things we've been set apart for.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

She gave us a timeline starting with birth with a straight line until salvation. Then a dotted line on an upward slant with the end being death. She said that each dash on the line represents something we've been set apart for since birth, a part of our destiny. And the space between the dashes are times when we receive the next revelation, encounters with Jesus that alter the direction of our lives. (I can see this so clearly in my life...9:30, challenge leadership, teaching, being single, summer intern in California, Romania, coming home from Romania; almost all of them came with a clear revelation from God, and I'm sure other things have too). It was so encouraging to see that revelation is scriptural because that's what I've been needing!

There was so much truth packed in to this weekend (the image that keeps coming to my mind is a really big burrito) that I can't even begin to explain it all. If you know Beth Moore, you know she explained some if it according to the Greek. She talked about the obstacles we have to push through to in order to take hold of what Christ has for us. Her last session was about what it will be like when we do cross the finish line. Fullness of joy.

beth moore

first of all, i'd just like to say that beth moore has a blog (now listed under my friends section). even though we've never met, i feel like we're very dear friends.
if you're ever near (meaning within a day's drive) where beth is speaking...go. she said at one point, "this is my idea of fun girls!" and it was fun. over 14000 women and a few men filled the jacksonville arena and worshipped Jesus and received a fresh word from Philippians 3. ahhhhh, spiritual refreshment and challenging truth all wrapped up.
i'm still processing. perhaps more to come in a future blog.

truth time

i realize that some of my blogging is not exciting, but i just feel this urgency to share truth when i learn something new. i guess this time it isn't something new, but when things are compiled into a list it makes it so much easier to understand.

so i'm meeting with the pastor's wife weekly (her name is Deborah, so in all other writings when i refer to Deborah, it's her). all of the ladies being discipled are going through this book called "Milk for New Christians." i admit, when they handed me this book I prayed, "Lord, make me humble." it would have been easy to cop an attitude saying, "i'm too good for this, i've been a christian for 10 years." but i have been pleasantly surprised and thankful that i am learning things. i do well with outlines. last week we were studying about the importance of God's word. like i said, i think i knew all these truths, but it was encouraging to see it all in one place.

seven results of studying the Word of God
keeps me from sin-psalm 119:11
builds me up-acts 20:32
live and not be ashamed-psalm 119:116
know the truth-pslam 119:160
know where i'm going-psalm 119:105
have understanding-psalm 119:99
know right from wrong-hebrews 5:14

if you're feeling low on faith, read God's word (romans 10:17)
if you're in bondage, read God's word (john 8:32)
the Word is Jesus Himself, how can we know Him and love Him if we're not reading His word?

challenge: i think if you read psalm 119, you'll discover even more results of studying God's word.

throw off everything that hinders

i had a thought a few nights ago and God confirmed it this morning during beth moore bible study.


"i am SO glad i do not have to carry the burden of providing and making decisions for my life."


when i had this thought, i was actually a little shocked. this is a new belief in my life and i didn't know that it had taken hold. as a single woman, for so long i've envied my married girlfriends for several reasons, one of them being that the husband is provider and ultimately responsible for the direction of the family. (though i know some of you out there do your best to get your opinions heard by your significant others).

but i am becoming more and more confident these days that Jesus is my Provider and the Leader of my life. i've seen proof of provision, so that's not a big issue for me right now. however, knowing what to do/what job to look for/whether to go to school/etc has obviously been a concern. but that's not a burden i'm supposed to carry. perhaps i'm too laid back in the jobhunt/making decisions, but i don't think so. i am convinced that God is going to tell me what to do. even if it is just one step at a time, i just know He's in charge of the future and He's going to let me know what i need to know, when i need to know it. He is in control of my life; it's by His grace that i take my next breath and next step; He is my load-bearer, my burden-carrier.

to carry this worry would hold me back. it would keep me from running to win the race. i keep thinking of the tv show "the amazing race": if i remember correctly, every time they had to race to the finish line, they put their packs down and ran with all their might. it's really hard to run with a backpack on...and you look pretty stupid trying to do it too.

i'm not saying we're supposed to just sit around until He tells us to get up. it's a race! we're running. but we've got to be actively seeking, keeping our eyes and ears and hearts open.

i know that not worrying is something Jesus has been trying to teach me for a long time. i hope i get it this time around.

WOOHOO!

Today I'm excited for 2 reasons~
1. God answers prayer. I have been missing my friend Jill and trying to find her so we could reconnect. She's just one of those heart friends and we lost touch after I moved to Romania and she got married. So last night I just prayed that God would help us to reconnect if it was His desire and I emailed her old yahoo address. And today she wrote back. YEA!
2. two words: peanutbutter pie
I went out to lunch with my mom, her best friend and her sister and mom. We were going for the pie folks, and were planning on being there right when they started serving lunch and pie, so that they wouldn't run out. We had to make a detour because the president came to Jacksonville today, but we finally made it and oh was it worth it. If you come visit me I will introduce you to the pie. It just takes 30 minutes to get there, an hour if the president is in town.

joining the church

This is what I found the other day just in case anyone was wondering. I don't remember reading this when I read Spiritual Disciplines back in the day, but finding it online worked for me.
http://www.spiritualdisciplines.org/whyjoin.html

I did join the church I've been attending for about a month this morning. It's called Turning Point at Calvary. So far I just love the people, and it seems that they are loving God and making disciples.

Something that I find...weird about myself: I always expect to feel "moved by the Holy Spirit" or confirmation to know that God is talking to me about something, through scripture or whatever means He desires. But there are some things we just have to do, and we shouldn't need a conviction or a kick to the rear. This morning I just kept waiting for God to say something...and He didn't. I had been praying for weeks about joining this church; I've been participating in some of their ministries since day 1; the pastor even preached about the vision of the church today (see footnote about the irony in my life). I guess I'm just now processing...God can speak through our emotions, but He didn't with me today, or these past weeks. It was a step of faith to join...to say I'm planting my life here...minister to my needs and I'll minister to yours as well.

Footnote:
I know some of you have heard me say, "I don't want to be a part of a church that's building. I want to be at one with its priorities straight." Amazingly/ironicly that's exactly where God has placed me, in a church that's building and has its priorities straight.

step 1

had a little breakthrough yesterday related to the whole i-haven't-had-a-calling-so-does-that-mean-i'm-not-called?

2 corinthians 5:14-15 "for Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. and he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

all i know is that Christ's love compels me...it makes me want to DO something...to make disciples, to speak truth, to encourage, to have deep relationships, to love deeply, to live for Him.

not really sure what that means, but it's a step. and that's all i asked God for was a step at a time.

questions

do you have to be called to the ministry to
a. work full-time in a church?
b. go to seminary?
c. have an urge/longing to teach people God's truth and how to walk with Him?

what do you do with option c if you haven't been called?

what on earth does that mean, to be "called"?
aren't we all called...into relationship with Him? to go and make disciples?

how do you know if you're supposed to join a church?
does Scripture address this anywhere?

today i am restless. it's like i know what i want to do...but i don't know how to do it.
and i feel like God's telling me to settle here...totally not what i expected...i really thought st augustine was a short stop.

on a good note, i am loving the church i'm at right now. i have to just keep laughing and shaking my head...i told God i didn't want to be a part of a church that was building...and that is where He has me. but they're also making disciples, evangelizing and equipping the saints. i'm doing a beth moore bible study, being discipled by the pastor's wife and just started a crown financial small group.

no job yet...i keep waiting for God to drop one in my lap...the job that doesn't yet exist.

so kids, if you have any feedback on calling and church, let me know.

a quote to pierce the soul

"There is no way to learn faith except through trials. They are God's school of faith, and it is much better for us to learn to trust Him than to live a life of enjoyment."
from Streams in the Desert

"worship in the waiting"

bought a new FFH cd yesterday (thanks to mom's graciousness and money). i feel like this song is the theme of my life right now.

seen the red sea part
seen the mountains move
now it seems so dark
i can't even feel you
if you choose to be silent
then i'll be silent too
i'll worship in the waiting
quiet before you
till your voice like manna from the sky falls

i will worship in the waiting
i will walk this sand beneath my feet
though the winter wind is blowing
the ground is not frozen underneath
and i will worship and not grow bitter
cause i know you see the end of it all
with the sping will come the rain
and i'll see what was gained
in the waiting

i've seen the blooms of spring
life in everything
but now it seems so gray
bright colors fade away
the winter seems much longer
colder than before
but i will worship in the waiting
expecting something more
until the sun shines warm upon my face again

i will worship in the waiting
i will walk this sand beneath my feet
though the winter wind is blowing
the ground is not frozen underneath
i will worship and not grow bitter
cause i know you see the end of it all
with the sping will come the rain
and i'll see what was gained


and then there's some more about Him leading me, but i'm too lazy to go out to my car to get the lyrics. it's good though.

"What do you want me to do for you?"

i was thinking this morning that if Jesus asked me this question, i don't know how i'd respond. but then i thought, well the blind dude's answer was a pretty good one.

"i want to see."

i think it not only applies to physical sight, but also spiritual.
i want to see You glorified
i want to see Your will be done
i want to see Your vision for my life
the list goes on

later as i was biking through the neighborhood, i listened to a matt chandler sermon about the blessings and woes found in Luke 6. i have to DAILY if not hourly repent because i try to have it all figured out. (seriously, i think God's going to keep me in this place of "absolutely, positively no idea what's next and waiting on God's direction" until i figure out how to live there contently and with thanksgiving) but we are blessed if we are poor in spirit...if we realize just how in need of God we are. we are blessed if we hunger and thirst after righteousness. but woe to us if we are content with where we are in our walk. woe to us if we are self-sufficient.

my favorite thing that he said was, "it's ok that you're not ok. you're dysfunctional; so are we."
we're all messed up. we all have baggage. none of us have it figured out (and if we do, woe to us!) it's a good thing when we have to cry out to God saying, "Lord, i just can't figure this out! i'm desperate for truth and i want to see your will be done. HELP!"

church and a divine appointment with my nurse practitioner

i'm very excited because i think i've found a church. in fact i'm quite sure of it. there's nothing spectacular about it, except the peace i feel being there. i even went sunday night AND to an orientation for their women's mentoring ministry on monday.
normally, i am a chicken. i'm so afraid to make decisions and to step out in faith unless i'm SURE i heard from God. i know that without faith it's impossible to please God. but when i'm not hearing anything from Him, i'm so afraid i'll step out in sin, make a wrong decision and it will backfire and have repercussions.
so for me to talk to people before slipping out the door sunday morning was a big step. it's so nice that God knows how much we desire fellowship and ministry. i think i know what paul meant when he wrote to the romans "i long to see you so that i may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong that is that you and i may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith" (1:11-12). i was craving fellowship like i never have.

so today i had a follow-up appointment with the nurse practitioner (i've never actually met the doctor though she signs off on my perscriptions...long story short, i was having weird headaches, i have a muscle strain and am going to PT and taking muscle relaxers and am feeling much better). so we're talking about how i'm feeling and i tell her some of it is probably just stress.

karen: what are you stressed about?
me: well, i have no job, i don't know what i want to do, i have no friends, and i couldn't find a church
karen: oh, but have you found a church now?
me:i think i have
karen:where is it?
me: it's off route 16, called turning point at calvary
karen: THAT'S MY CHURCH! i knew you were going to say that!
me: shut up!

we laughed and then had a sweet little counseling session. she told me i could use her for a reference, she's best friends with the lady who runs the mentoring ministry, she encouraged me to get involved with bible study and told me about a couple christian schools i might be able to teach at, etc.

it was sweet and has had me smiling all day.

i was tagged

so i was finally catching up on some blog reading...isn't it so sad that it's come to reading ABOUT people on their personal web pages rather than TALKING TO THEM to find out what's going on in their lives?! and i saw that i got tagged (whatever that means) by my good friend Stephanie Trook (by the way, Stephanie, mate, they speak English in Austraila).

The directions - Share five random and/or weird facts about yourself, and then share the five top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list, and finally tag five people.

Randomness:
1. i NEVER respond to emails that tag/survey/etc (but i will read what you write about yourself) and i find it interesting that i'm responding via the blog
2. i LOVE rollercoasters
3. i have become addicted to coffee and the caffiene it contains and must drink it every morning
4. i would get another tatoo if Jesus thought it was ok
5. i HATE baked beans and potato salad and so it's always weird for me a 4th of july picnics when i have just a hamburger and chips on my plate

Places to go:
1. Ireland
2. Southern California
3. anywhere i can snorkel (without being attacked by a shark)
4. i would definitely go back to Prague-2 days just wasn't enough
5. Africa (missions + safari=happy)

5 taggees
1. Brianna
2. Sammi
3. Sarah Fraser Uptmore
ummm....i don't think anyone else ever reads my blog...sorry if i just offended you because you do read it

the most important thing

i was thinking this morning...maybe stressing is a better word (though i'm trying really hard not to). there are several things that are up in the air right now...things that i don't know how to move forward on, or if i should move forward at all. for example:
where should i go to church?
where should i get a job?
what kind of job do i even want to get?
should i go to seminary?
should i write that book i've been thinking about?
just to name a few.
so as i was thinking i felt compelled to meditate on John 15:16 "you did not choose me, but i chose you and have appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. then the Father will give you whatever you ask for in my name." and i reasoned with myself, "ok, i didn't choose this walk with God. HE chose me. He's got a plan" (i keep telling myself that last part). and then i thought, "so what's the most important thing?" well, it's to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind." duh.
when they asked Jesus what was the most important commandment, He didn't say, "be holy" (though that is really important). He also didn't say, "find out the will of God and do it." Neither did He say, "please God." i think that all of those things fit under loving God, but they are not the main idea. LOVE GOD.
what the heck does that mean? i know what it means, but when that's supposed to be priority #1, what does that look like in my daily life?
i think i know the answer, but i feel like it should be something phenomenal.
is it really that simple?

God gave me a car

you should read the sermon on the mount, specifically matthew 6:25-34. i've probably read it a hundred times in my life, and every time i read i'm continually reminded that we're not supposed to worry. in fact, Jesus actually says, "So do not worry saying, 'what shall we eat?' or 'what shall we drink?' or 'what shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things, will be given to you as well. There fore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

so a few weeks ago i was gently reminded of this truth by the loving Holy Spirit. you know how it is when you make a big transition in your life...or perhaps you don't so i'll just tell you what i was thinking:
"ok, i'm moving home from Romania. i have no job prospects. i am going to be living with my parents. i have no car. i have health insurance...for just 9 months...but i have to pay for that. i have no local friends. i have no church. ok God, i'm going to trust you. You are my heavenly Father and you care about the little things like what i'm going to eat and drink and wear, so i know you must care about these bigger things too. i'm not sure how it's all going to work out, but i choose to seek you first, to trust you."

the next day i had an email from someone telling me they wanted to give me a car.
i had to read it a couple times to make sure i was reading it right.
i even had to have a friend read it...just in case.
woah.
talk about "all these things will be given"

i know it's hard to trust God when you have know idea what's next. i know it's hard to trust God when you're not sure how you're going to make ends meet (um...this wasn't the first time He came through for me...it was just the biggest). i'm not saying that God's going to give you a car or that you'll go out to your mailbox and find $100.

i am saying you need to be faithful with what He's given you. you need to realize that it's all His anyways, and that you need to be a thankful steward of it. and just trust Him. seek Him. spend time getting to know Him. find out what the heck it means to "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness." your Heavenly Father cares about the little stuff as well as the big stuff. and most of all He cares about you getting to know Him.

unemployment

i have a new respect for the unemployed, for people who say they can't find a job.
i personally have never really had to look for a job. sure when i was in high school and college, i needed a part time job. but this is different than making a career change.
i just got back from Romania...three weeks and a day ago to be exact. i thought i'd want to relax, enjoy resting, but i'm ready to move on.
but i don't know what to move on towards.
i've looked for jobs online...and there are a lot out there. grated i'm not qualified for all of them, but probably 30% i could at least apply for. and i'm not one to try these "get rich by working from home" things...it just seems a little shady to me.
but of these...let's say 30 jobs...none of them seem to be where i want to be. some of them are even areas that i've worked in before.
it's hard, but i'm past having a job just to make money. i know i've got to work (those who don't work, don't eat), but i just want to find something that is fulfilling.
so i understand people who say, "i can't find a job." they mean they can't find a job that would make them happy.
if it came down to it, if i had a family to support, i could work retail or in the food industry. but i'm really praying that i don't have to do that.

preface

life happens. whether we want it to or not, it just keeps going. the world doesn't stop when things get out of hand.
truth exists. people try to deny it, but Jesus is Truth and we meet up with Him through the Word of God.
i don't know about you, but i want to let the Word of God change my life.
at this point of my life:
i'm unemployed
churchless
i just moved in with my parents
and have no contacts in the area
sounds close to pathetic...but i'm actually pretty excited.
i'm curious what's going to happen as i let Truth intersect with life