"if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. for whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." matthew 16:24-25

"truly, i say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life." luke 18:29-30

no one ever said it would be easy. in fact, "the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." matthew 7:14

oh that we would find that narrow gate and keep on that path no matter how hard it gets.
"let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil." proverbs 4:25-27

he who hates reproof is stupid

well that's what the english standard version says in proverbs 12:1. but don't we all hate reproof. don't we all hate being told we're wrong. doesn't discipline and correction just leave a bitter taste and a sting that we really just want to ignore until it goes away.

i've been dealing with a correction this week and i'm trying not to be stupid. i got busted. my mouth has always gotten me into trouble. witty remarks can very quickly turn into rude sarcasm. and the Lord has been trying to whisper to me about idle words (matt 12:36) and about making sure that every word counts for something (1 sam 3:19). and i heard Him. i even encouraged my girls with the same word. but i hadn't quite put it into action yet and i got put in my place. and then i cried...all...day...long.

but faithful are the wounds of a friend. it's good to have someone in your life who can call you out when you're being a jerk.

and EVERYTHING has been about speech lately. i even had a little chuckle sunday morning because the message was about honesty and many of the verses that have been on my mind were shared. here are just a few verses that have come up and that i'm meditating on, as by the grace of God this tongue of mine gets tamed.

matthew 12:36 but i say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.
proverbs 10:19 when words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
proverbs 10:32 the lips of the righteous know what is acceptable...
proverbs 12:18 there is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing
james 3:8 ...no human being can tame the tongue. it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
matthew 15:18 (this is the kicker...how icky my heart must be!) but what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.
proverbs 18:13 if one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (even today i read this verse and then had it quoted to me when i failed to follow through!)

we automatically think correction is bad because it's uncomfortable. but the Lord disciplines those He loves. and sometimes we hear it directly from Him and repent and move forward. but not always. sometimes it hits us harder, especially when it comes from another person. i was asking God yesterday why i was still so affected by this and the verse proverbs 17:10 jumped out; "a rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool." ouch! we should be affected when someone legitimately calls us out. we should be bothered by our sin. we should be so taken aback that we take a look at ourselves, seek the truth and start allowing the grace and power of God to work in our lives.

"sensitivity to reproof is the surest sign we need it" - fenelon

set up

for the protection of my sources, i can't share the hilarious story that's been going on in my life. but i will tell you that someone is trying to set me up with a guy. perhaps down the road when this all blows over i will be able to share the saga. but here's the spiritual application to it all...

when i found all this out, i went to this unhealty place of panic and planning. all i had done was shake a guy's hand and say, "nice to meet you." but i allowed myself to freak out and yes, start thinking about a wedding. how wrong is that! thursday night i even became a little teary-eyed because i didn't know who would be my maid of honor and bridesmaids!

that's when it had gone too far. i started praying and thinking in a different way. oh that i would be so excited about my Bridegroom and begin preparing for meeting Him. that wedding is a guarantee, thankfully. and i began to think about the parable of the 10 virgins. only some of them were prepared when the Bridegroom came for the bride. who am i taking with me to my wedding? will i help them to be prepared?

thankfully, my life is the Lord's and He can do what He wants with it. i don't have to worry when people try to make plans for me, because God is the sovereign One.

On being single:
a while back as i was driving to work the Holy Spirit threw a thought to me: "you're holding out for the ram in the bushes." i knew exactly what He was talking about. when God and i talk about me being single, i say i'm ok with it and i start to sacrifice marriage on the altar. but all the while i'm looking around, thinking there's something else. thinking maybe it's just temporary. maybe the Lord is just testing me, as He did with abraham and isaac. and maybe He is, but that's not for me to decide or wait around for. my attitude has to be one of complete surrender and obedience. i can't live in an unhappy state of singleness (not that i'm unhappy), longing for something else. i have to be content with where the Lord has me. i have to live fully for Him, completely abandoned. i can't hold out that there MIGHT be marriage in the future.

on missions

i was reading about phillip the other day and was really hit with some truth from Acts 8:

4Now those who were scattered went about preaching the word. 5 Philip went down to the city of Samaria and proclaimed to them the Christ. 6 And the crowds with one accord paid attention to what was being said by Philip when they heard him and saw the signs that he did. 7For unclean spirits, crying out with a loud voice, came out of many who had them, and many who were paralyzed or lame were healed. 8So there was much joy in that city.... 26Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, "Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza." This is a desert place. 27And he rose and went. And there was an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship 28and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah. 29And the Spirit said to Philip, "Go over and join this chariot." 30So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?" 31And he said, "How can I, unless someone guides me?" And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. 32Now the passage of the Scripture that he was reading was this: "Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter and like a lamb before its shearer is silent, so he opens not his mouth.33In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who can describe his generation?For his life is taken away from the earth."
34And the eunuch said to Philip, "About whom, I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else?" 35Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus. 36And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, "See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?" 38And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. 39And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. 40But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he preached the gospel to all the towns until he came to Caesarea.

phillip had a booming ministry in samaria. the whole city was filled with joy! but when the angel of the Lord said, "go," he went. not just anywhere, but into the desert. so many of us today would respond with, "what?! and leave all that i've built here. the people love me!" but not phillip. he arose and started walking. no hesitation. no bad attitude.
along the way he met the eunuch, whose name we don't know. the Spirit told him to go and bum a ride - probably not as dangerous to hitchhike back then. again, no hesitation, phillip ran. you never know who God is going to put in your path. we're hesitant to share our faith, but phillip was eager to preach. we limit ourselves to "relationship evangelism," and if we were phillip's place, we probably would have said, "i don't even know this person!" phillip didn't even get the guy's name, but he shared the truth and the eunuch responded immediately. he was ready and God placed phillip on the road at just the right time. if phillip had waited one day, eternity may have been different.
strap used to say, "delayed obedience is disobedience," and it's so true.
missions is about obedience - immediate, drop what you're doing and go obedience.
it's not about a certain people group.
it's not about planting churches.
it's not about orphan care.
it's not about reaching your jerusalem or the ends of the earth.
it's about obeying God.
it's not about how many people you reach or applying the world's standard of success.
it starts with knowing God, knowing His heart and being able to discern His voice.
and when you hear His voice you respond immediately.
you don't pout because you have to leave your comfort zone.
you don't limit sharing the gospel to who you know or what you're used to.
you don't doubt where God is sending you or question whether that will be fruitful.
you just go when God says go.
and you are so eager to share the truth that you run at the opportunity.

God's been reminding me lately that my life is not my own. i've been trying to do things my way. good things...missional things...but my way. but that doesn't fly with God. i've realized that i don't like being told no...and i've been stomping my feet a little. but we can't walk up the mountain of sacrifice griping and complaining the whole way. His commands are not burdensome, but sometimes we make them a burden. if we say, "Lord i give this up to you," but we do it with a grudge, it's not a very pretty gift. God has a good plan for my life. it's guaranteed to be an adventure. it may not be exactly how i want it to be. but it will be abundant. but just how abundant is very closely related to just how obedient i am. when He says "go" or when He says "no."

luke 14:16-24

God has been rocking my socks off lately, giving me new insight to His word. here's the passage:

16But he said to him, "A man once gave a great banquet and invited many. 17And at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready.' 18But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, 'I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it. Please have me excused.' 19And another said, 'I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them. Please have me excused.' 20And another said, 'I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.' 21So the servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and said to his servant, 'Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and crippled and blind and lame.' 22And the servant said, 'Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.' 23And the master said to the servant, 'Go out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled. 24For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.'"

here's what He taught me:
after church on Easter, my fam had a heated discussion about the sermon and the fact that the messages always seem to be for the drug addicts, porn addicts, divorced people, suicidals, alcoholics, etc. and why can't it just be a nice message for the "good people." (besides the fact that not ONE is good) but a week later, God graciously showed me in His word WHY.

• the invitation is there. we're all invited to the banquet. we hear it at church. we read it on billboards. we see it in nature. we're without excuse (especially in america). God wants us all there - in heaven, to fellowship at the table with Him at the banquet.
• but we come up with excuses. 3 potential reasons for saying "no" to God and a relationship with Him: 1. a field - recreation 2. oxen - work 3. wife - relationships
• so the invitation is extended to "the poor, the crippled, the blind, the lame." in Jesus' time, these people were easy enough to find...they were usually in the streets, begging. God wants them there at the banquet too. they might not consider themselves worthy of the invitation, but they are loved and they are desired.
• and there's still room! He wants His house to be filled up. Again, He wants everyone to come (none to perish)
• so the servant is sent to "the highways and the hedges" to "compel people to come in." these people are a little more difficult. they might be the theives, or the lepers, the outcasts, by choice or not. and God wants them there too. they may not initially want to come. they have to be convinced.

choice

work has been intense lately. i won't go into details because it would take hours for you to read this blog (and it's already a long one), but just know that "your sin will find you out (numbers 32:23)." we have discovered that some of our girls have been breaking rules and living a lie.

unfortunately that really doesn't surprise me. i mean, they are in a program because of behavior problems (aka SIN)...which comes down to a need for Jesus, His truth, and a heart change.

but thursday as i was driving home i was really discouraged. i was thinking, "how on earth can you hear the truth every day, say you have a relationship with Christ and still act like this?" and the Lord reminded me of two instances in scripture:

the first is in Genesis. in the garden Adam and Eve walked with God. they had the perfect Father and yet they were deceived and chose sin.

the second is in Revelation. at the end of Jesus' 1000 year reign, Satan will be released and will again deceive...and people will actually follow him. again, Jesus is king of the earth and people still choose sin.

i've never been a big fan of the term predestination. it's hard to think about my family going to hell even if they hear the truth and see the light. but the Lord has just helped me to understand that even though He does want ALL to come to repentance, some will be deceived and choose sin. and He already knows who they are. that doesn't mean He didn't die for them, that He doesn't pursue them or that we shouldn't witness to them. in fact, "we should not grow weary in doing good..." we can't give up. in Isaiah 42 we see that Jesus will not be discouraged. yes, He grieved and wept over the sin, over the stubborness, but He didn't say, 'forget them.' they/we/mankind denied Him, beat Him, mocked Him and sent Him to the cross. and some still choose sin.

the Lord continued to encourage me on friday morning as i was reading through our Bible passage with the girls from deuteronomy 30:

11 “For this commandment which I command you today is not too mysterious for you, nor is it far off. 12 It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ 13 Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ 14 But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it. 15 “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, 16 in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. 17 But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. 19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing..."

the isrealites were getting ready to cross into the promised land and God was telling them the choice was theirs to make. the truth was right in front of their faces; it was in their mouths and in their hearts. the law that they were supposed to keep wasn't difficult to understand and it was available! the same is true for us. the truth is readily available. however, the choice is still ours to make. we can choose life, which is a reward for loving God (and if we love Him we will obey His commands - Jn 14:21). or we can choose death when we turn our own way and do what we want to do (for the wages of sin is death - romans 6:23).

oh and by the way, He gives us the answer! "choose life!"

"...therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; 20 that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”

the heart is deceitful above all things (jeremiah 17:9). we don't even need satan to steal our friends and loved ones away because we're sinful from birth. as we come upon the season of our Jesus' death, burial and resurrection...pray with me that people would choose life. the truth is right there! the choice is theirs to make! but not making a choice is making a choice. o the Lord wants to give us life and good and hope and blessing.

update

about Mary Kay...God said no...He's told me again and again and again that He will provide. i was trying to take matters into my own hands.
my bro moved out because his job offered him an apartment on site. so i'm moving upstairs. i bought living room furniture and we're painting this weekend.
we're going to the membership/find out what the church is all about meeting this Sunday...i'm very intrigued by some of the things i've seen.

identity

i remember a few years back when the leader of leader ladies were meeting with the good Wanda Strappazon and she talked with us about our identity. i didn't get it. i just remember that our identity is not what we do, or our family relationships but who we are in Christ.
i've been hit with that again recently. i was feeling stressed at work and my boss boldly told me like only she can that i place my identity in the success of my students, and if they're not doing well, then i feel like a failure. well maybe she didn't say failure, but it was something along those lines. and as much as i didn't want to believe that, i knew it was partly true.
as i thought about it the next couple days i realized that i also make myself into a "defender." but not in a good way. when a kid gets into trouble on my turf, even if i don't verbally or physically react, on the inside i bow up like a bear getting ready to attack the predator of my cubs. even if the girl deserves the correction she's receiving, i feel like i have to back her up or make excuses for her. but i don't need to make excuses for any one's sin. if we are truly in need of a Defender, the Lord will suffice, so i'm trying to stay out of His way.
but wait there's more. i also had a revelation that i place my identity in the fact that i live with my parents...loser. let's face it, that's what society says and what the media portrays. and then there's old maid...30 and not married yet...delightful.
but there's no truth to those labels. i know that we all identify ourselves with what we do, or in some cases what we've done. we place a scarlet letter on ourselves. but we need to see ourselves as God sees us and start living like we believe what He says about us...royal priesthood, adopted children, heirs, beloved, chosen, redeemed, forgiven...

long stories short

Work~some of you know that we have 10 girls now at hosanna house. praise the Lord for that number because we had one run away and God brought her back to us. 10 makes it just that more intense in the classroom. but God is good and He gives me moments of clarity and peace in the midst of academic chaos. my favorite time of day continues to be devotions; i daily ask God that He'd speak to us as we read His word. sometimes i feel like i'm talking to a wall, but seeds are being planted...hopefully on good soil.

Church~my mom and i have been going to Christ's Church for the past month or so. the great thing about this church is that they have what most would call sunday school AND small groups. you 9:30ers are probably thinking, "what's so big about that?" it's huge. i haven't found a church here that does both. i was hooked up with a small group of 30-somethings (scary right?) and have been going for the last 3 weeks. i enjoy the depth and the potential community.

Possibilities~(interesting how many sentences start with) my mom and i went to a mary kay party last saturday. good thing because i've been looking for a consultant since i moved here. i will not go into all the cosmetic details and necessities. to understand my thinking here go back a few posts to "this just in..." i'm seriously (leaning towards 90%) thinking about joining up and becoming a consultant. i won't make you suffer through my lists of pros and cons. what's holding me back though are verses like, "be content" and "do not covet." am i being bratty and discontent by wanting more? it's not like i want it handed to me on a silver platter...i'm willing to work for it. on the other hand...one thought that keeps going through my mind is...what an amazing ministry opportunity. how many other jobs let you go into people's homes and tell them about not just a product but a company that says, "God first, family second, career third." for the introvert that i am, it swings the door wide open for meeting people, building relationships, and talking about Jesus, even if our only common ground is skin care. * i wouldn't quit my other job, i would just work this very part-time *

i HATE making decisions. Ha! even as i wrote that, God reminded me of the Scriptures when "David inquired of the Lord." i know the decision is ultimately in God's hand. but knowing it and living like i know it are very different things.

perfection through suffering

the last couple days have included verses from hebrews 5 so i took time to meditate on the scriptures and also on what henry blackaby was saying.
first of all, before Jesus went to the cross, He had a great need. He was burdened. Helloooo, He was about to suffer and die for all humanity! verse 7 says: "In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence." the Father heard the prayers of His Son, but He didn't remove the cup. God repeatedly said that He was well pleased with His Son, but He didn't remove the cup. we know that Jesus was and is the perfect, spotless Lamb, so sin did not keep Him from being heard. God was able to save Him from death, but He had to look at the big picture and do what was necessary for the salvation of man.
verses 8 and 9 continue, "Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him." Jesus' perfection came through His suffering. lately i've been hearing about perfection and have learned that it means completion or maturity. if Jesus was made complete/mature/perfect through suffering, how much more so will we. there are some areas in our lives that mature only when we face trials. i know i do everything i can to avoid trouble/tribulation/suffering...but sometimes it is required. I'm so thankful that my Savior "can deal gently with the ignorant and wayward, since he himself is beset with weakness" (v2).

accountability needed

i'm striving to memorize psalm 119 (nkjv) with one of my students.
it was going great for the first 24 verses, but little progress has since been made.
(that was before Christmas)
let's see how i do...
blessed are the undefiled in the way
who walk in the law of the Lord
blessed are those who keep His testimonies
who seek Him with the whole heart
they also do no iniquity,
they walk in His ways.
You have commanded us to keep your precepts diligently.
o that my ways were directed
to keep your statues
then i would not be ashamed
when i look into all your commandments
i will praise you with uprightness of heart
when i learn your righteous judgments.
i ... can't remember verse 8
yeah, so it needs a little reviewing and continued memorization.
feel free to ask me about it.

this just in...

i think i'm going to be living with my parents the rest of my life
i've crunched the numbers
it's just not looking good for financial freedom AND a home sweet home of my own
but the Lord knows what's up
just gotta trust His plan