To Discover All Over Again

Woooohoo!!!!

The run was quite fun yesterday! It really makes a difference to be running with friends!

I'm glad my timing improved by just a lil bit, as compared the previous one in Nov. Considering how I didn't really train much for this one, I'm quite contented.

Initially, I was very anxious about the run, wasn't sure if I could finish since I had a watchamacalit-sorta-like-bout-with-food-poisoning and I knew for sure that my stamina had decreased. But while on the road, I decided to throw my anxiety aside and just enjoy the run itself. Unfortunately, my stomach was growling and me being quite the lil piggy, who's always snacking on something, couldn't really run properly on a hungry stomach. Thank God for the pit-stop refreshment stands where they served us 100-plus midway.

It was well-organized, despite this being their first year. Kudos to Adidas Malaysia and NPE. Very impressed with their generosity as well!

Since we're on a roll, the few of us have decided to go for another run end of this month and some, beginning next month.

You people should really try it for yourselves sometime. It is a good feeling, to push your body beyond what you think it's capable of. At some points, you realize that it is sheer determination as well as by relying on His strength that will get you through. I nearly entertained thoughts of giving up at some points when my body got so tired and my muscles got sore. Plus, my joints began to hurt. I was thinking of how stupid I was to run when I wasn't up to it. Served me right for being so ambitious and overestimating my body's performance. Nearly gave up. I didn't tell the rest of my runningmates this.

But that's when I looked up and desperately cried, "HELP me, God! Give me strength to finish this!"

And the rest, as they say, is history.

This time around, as I crossed the finish line, I knew who deserved the credit entirely. Not me.

And that's why I like running. It reminds me of my lack of abilities. Especially when I'm real helpless, when I am utterly hopeless, when I think of my own stupidity and foolishness...and then I am forced to depend on Him.

And it is then I really know, Who the King of the Road is.

Posted by Serena at 8:41 AM | Permalink | Comments

I can't remember the last time a friend spoke honest words to correct me, for my own sake, so much so that the feeling of being chided was so foreign to me.

As much as my first impulse was to defend myself and justify why I feel I did no wrong -it was all merely in the name of fun! - there's this gentle stirring within that is surely convicting me of the truth in what this friend said.

Of course I was offended to be rebuked like that. I am not a child!

Then, I realized that these kind of friends are hard to come by; friends who love you enough to speak into your life and to speak the truth. Friends who care enough to tell you that you've behaved unkindly and spoken unwholesomely.

I was chewing on Ephesians 4:29 last night and even this morning. And then that familliar pang of guilt pierced right through. I am guilty as charged. So what if I meant it as a joke? The damage was done and I could've possibly hurt another friend, a sister.

Aren't we often guilty of this? I am. In wanting to play along with jesting and teasing, sometimes we forget that we still need to be watchful of the other person's feelings. If it was common sense, why would God put it in the Bible? I figured that it was only because we need proper reminders, lest we forget and make light of these things.

What's the big deal about hurting another person, you ask? The implications are far greater than we could ever imagine. Many often scorn at the real impact of hurtful words (even if they seem to be just a joke); but in reality, the effects are often long-lasting and could be so damaging to one's self-esteem. And the last time I checked, we were supposed to love our neighbour as ourselves. On my part, I don't intend to destroy anyone. If ever, I want to build another, not tear down.

I must carefully guard my tongue and the words that come out of my mouth.

A lesson learnt indeed.

Posted by Serena at 9:48 AM | Permalink | Comments

My muscles ache. It’s more of a dull sensation, like they’re begging, “Give us a break, Serena.” Jogging for 2 days in a row is not a good idea for me. I know the golden rule is that we’re supposed to let our muscles rest for at least 36 hours. That’s what the experts say.

But the run is this Sunday.

But more than trying to be ready for the run, yesterday’s session was more for myself. I needed to deal with disappointment and what better way to vent frustration than to do so while panting my lungs out.

Feel better now. But still, disappointment isn't easy to deal with at first.

But I've left it with the right person - definitely not myself - and managed to walk away with my head held high.

Posted by Serena at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments

GRE Psych is in 2 months' time. So that means it's time to open the book to study!

Yay!

Trust me, after working for the past 7 months, the prospect of studying, even just for one exam, is exciting!!!

But the brains need some oiling.

Meanwhile, the heart, as usual, needs some loving. Ehehe...

So, finally I now know what it feels like to have to study and work at the same time. After scoring so low in the GRE general test, verbal section (in order to score, I would've had to read the dictionary for goodness' sake! madness!), I'd better buck up this time.

So dear students, welcome me to your league once again!

Posted by Serena at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Aaahh...

Had a lovely night of catching up for our annual meet-up with dear Sook who will be leaving today. It was the perfect end to a day that's full of lotsa ups and downs. Nothing like a nice hot cuppa to soothe the soul and a huge platter of chocs to nourish a girl's heart! I think what was even better was our conversation. I don't know about you, but good conversations are really hard to come by. You're such a blessing!

Thank You, God for bringing friends into our lives, at the most unexpected of times. It almost feels like some friends come in at the most surprising moments to bring joy into your lives and once the work is done, they leave you to find your own space, but with the safe knowledge that they'll always be around. I just know this new year's gonna be real exciting for you, woman!

And a 4th C-factor that contributed to the day well spent was a fellow companion.

Dear you,

Thank you for being so ready to listen and talk. Your amazing ability to receive whatever comes your way without selfish agenda, and at the same time purpose to do something about it renders my full esteem for you. You may not think so but being teachable is really one of your greatest strengths! Love you and treasure you!

Yesterday was truly a day well spent. After a tough day, I'm glad for this. Whew.

Posted by Serena at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comments

I'm here, on a Tuesday morning, sitting at my own study desk AT HOME!

Ahh, I've forgotten what it feels like to not be at the carpetted place at work first thing every morning.

Actually recovering from a bout of dunno-what-hit-me-sorta-like-food-poisoning. I'm really exhausted too. So yah, shall just stay in and be a good girl today.

Too lazy to type more so here, a picture of me with Dashing Darren, the most eligible bachelor in YC. Hehe...

Posted by Serena at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

This was a good book in the sense that the author managed to fit in medical terminology with all the family's drama and mess. My only grouse is that the ending was really unexpected - sliced right through my hard.

The worst part is how I had to read the ending just before sleeping. Note to self: Never read the ending of a book before sleeping. It just hangs over you, especially if you don't like the ending. I even feel like writing to the author to change the ending. Haha. That's me la. Cannot take it when I've read 387 pages to get that kinda epilogue. I woke up this morning and I immediately remembered the ending and wanted to strangle the author. Haha...

Anyhow, I'm glad I finally finished a thick book. It's been a while since I was able to do proper reading. I have a long list of books I intend to finish. At least, I can multitask in this area; find I enjoy books most when I read a few different genres at once. Gives my brain some space and balance.

I'm onto the other book now, The World is Flat. Heard so much raving reviews about it, especially recommended by my political science lecturer.

I find I usually read a book proper only when I fall sick. Hmm...

Posted by Serena at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments

I woke up this morning, the grumpiest ever. I was desperate to blame someone for how I was feeling.

It's that silly car behind me that keeps on honking every 5 seconds.

I need my coffee and I need it now!!! Why isn't there coffee where you need it?

Grr...

Why did I sleep so late again?! I wouldn't have had to if she didn't....or if he had done it....

Grr...

I could go down the list if complaints and murmurs I had this morning. I just wanted to point my finger at someone and after going round the whole world, I found that my finger came back to point itself at me.

I am the one responsible.

I should stop doing this to myself. But there's just a billion things to be done. AGAIN. When does it ever stop?

Oh well, I shall make the best of it. The next few months are gonna be crazy as the new sem starts (translates to more students, more marking, more lesson preparation, etc.) while I try to juggle studying for a graduate Psychology exam and do more applications during the nights. God help me.

So let me make my 2nd cup of coffee now while I calm my nerves. Hehe...

Posted by Serena at 8:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

Just got back from Melaka for a 2-day food fest and rest.

I think that's my kind of holiday now. Away from KL and away from people people.

I am glad for the slow pace. I am glad that I didn't fill the day up with a flurry of activities. I'm not sure if my travel companions enjoyed themselves as much as I did. Nonetheless, I am grateful for their company.

I missed my family deeply, though. Felt a tugging in my heart to spend more time with them but the moment I stepped into home, that familliar sense of "Oh no, reality again" struck. Haha. Looks like I miss my family more when I'm apart from them than when I'm right next to them. The irony.

After all the feasting, time to get those shoes out and start running once again! The run is in 12 days' time!

Posted by Serena at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by Serena at 9:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

Teach me, Lord, to walk in Your ways,
To discern the difference between fun and craze.

Teach me, Lord, to love You the most,
To realize that all other loves could never come close.

Teach me, Lord, to long after You,
To desire to walk, play, and commune anew.

Teach me, Lord, to fly on Your wings,
To first seek You, and last seek all other things.

Teach me, Lord, to quieten the soul,
To master the restlessness, so I can be whole.

Teach me, Lord, which way that I should go,
So I can walk with confidence and not look below.

Teach me, Lord, to love with my heart and not with my mind,
When all I want to do is speak things unkind.

Teach me, Lord, to not tire of being still,
For in Your presence is where I am healed.

Teach me, Lord, to celebrate all things good and fun,
But to allow sorrow to have its way, when there's no more sun.

Last of all, teach me, Lord, to want only You,
That no matter what happens, my only constant remains as You.

Posted by Serena at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

Did you know that you are so special...

...that when you woke up this morning, YOU were the first thing on His mind,
not what you had to do for today,
not what you didn't do yesterday,
and certainly not what you've done in the past few months!

...that you are absolutely beautiful in the tenderest way,
that you need to shut out the voices of untruth,
that you need to wipe out the dirt from your eye,
so that you'd see how much you amaze Him!

...that He looks at YOU, beaming with love and pride,
that despite your disbelief, He doesn't give up,
that He keeps sending you words of life to water your soul,
hoping YOU would one day finally embrace His best workmanship - YOU!

...that He celebrates the fact that He created YOU,
that He knows how much you've despaired over feeling ugly,
yet He keeps drawing you to His beauty,
for in His light, the sheer wonder of His grace enhances your entire being.

...that He wants YOU to wake up each morning,
claiming all of His promises for YOU,
understanding who YOU are IN Him,
seizing the authority that comes with bearing His name.

...that YOU are never less than second best,
because when it came to YOU, He gave His very best,
so that YOU will live with your head held high,
knowing very well who your Father is.

...that I think the world of YOU,
it hasn't always been easy but even when we disagree, I see the best in YOU,
I don't think I can find another quite like YOU,
and it's only coz you're YOU.

...that I love you and treasure our friendship.
In life, I've learnt not to ever scorn at what is precious,
Or taking for granted the goodness in people,
And leaving till later to say my sorry's.

...that I just hope You'll see what I see,
that we all think you're such a beauty, true and true,
that you would only become what you think,
if only then, you'd come to truly believe.

YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

YOU. ARE. AMAZING.

May His beauty reflect on your countenance as you continue to look TO HIM.

Posted by Serena at 2:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

I realize my posts are sounding so serious these days. I reckon it's only because every time a matter or issue creeps up, I feel inclined to pen down my thoughts. Maybe, it's therapeutic for me that way.

Fairness is so relative, I realize. Have you ever been on the receiving end of injustice only to realize that the other party has to endure some form of pain too? Unless, of course, you are like me, being quite sadistic at times, you sure don't mind seeing others suffer too. Or rather, you couldn't be bothered that the other person is suffering too. After all, injustice has been done on your part. So who cares if the other is hurt? It is only fair or setimpal that the other person goes through some pain. Watching others experience pain somehow eases some of our own, doesn't it?

How cruel.

There are days where I feel like screaming. I am not in the wrong! But when it comes to tender matters, does it matter who is in the right or in the wrong? So why am I at the receiving end of this ill-treatment?

After trashing it out with Him, I then realize, as I always do, after spending time in His presence. There's just something about being with Him that changes you, as much as it is so against your strong will....so often, the natural thing to do would be to continue wallowing in your pride and pain. But He doesn't allow us to stay there for long, does He? He loves us too much for that.

How loving of him, and yet, what a shattering experience it is. Every ounce of pride is purged from within. I am still reeling from the wounds.

I realize it is not about me. In life, nothing is really fair, isn't it? People will always misjudge you. Friends will betray you. Family will take you for granted. The biggest pain is when the dearest ones to your heart, lose their trust in you and actually take the side of "the enemy", all in the name of fairness.

What is fair then? That people often don't bother to find out the truth before deciding on whose side they'll be on? Or that you get just what you deserve (even if you happened to be innocent)? That people can't accept the fact that you are happy and blessed?

I've been there. I've felt the injustice. But the key word is: felt. And emotions are often highly unreliable.

But today, I told Him, enough is enough. I am tired. I am just gonna trust Him to work out the details. Better still, I have found a little space in my heart to sincerely pray for "the enemy" this time. Funny, how many times my first instinct would be to "curse". But having been challenged to my face to "bless" those who curse me, is something really foreign to me. We all know the verse, but try doing it for real. With sincerity.

Therefore, nothing is fair. Even having to love those who hate you is not fair. But that's the way with the Father, isn't it? He compels us to love, when it is the unfairest, when it is the hardest.

Posted by Serena at 1:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

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A little farewell party today made me realize how important it is to build relationships with people around you. It doesn't matter how good you are at something; it really is all about how you made effort to get to know someone, take the time to attend to them and most of all, spent a considerable amount of energy, sincerely caring for them.

Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. That's what cholerics do. That's what I've been known to do. That's what I hate doing the most and yet it seems almost inevitable that I'm rushing yet again to the next destination.

I am truly happy for my dear then-lecturer, and now-colleague who has made the decision to move on in life. She has left indellible marks in my entire undergrad life. And that's why I think she has done her very best because when one has done so, the work is finished and it is therefore time to move on. And yet watching her pack up this chapter of her life causes me to wonder, what will my own story be?

This little romantic is trying to start blogging more regularly again. I realize now (for the 1000th time) that life becomes more colourful when you pen down memories, rather than count on your good ol' brain to retain every bit of information. I assure you - it won't. At least, mine has failed me miserably.

So here's to blogging more consistently, for my own sake! Cheers! Haha.... ;)

Posted by Serena at 9:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hello...

Haha...I've been blogging as often as I have been reading the newspaper proper! Not a good sign at all. Counting on friends and colleagues to update me on headlines is surely no way to go.

Yet, I don't feel like I've been missing in action. I've been in complete action. Waddaya know, come the 18th, I would've worked for half a year already! No more freshie at all. In fact, I'm one of the more senior tutors around in my department.

Where did the past 6 months go?

I've been busy doing/(attempted) doing:
1. Applications
2. Applications
3. Studying for tests that are part of application requirement
4. Sitting for tests that are part of application requirement
5. Applications
6. Catching up on some reading (finally!)
7. Cutting down drastically on coffee (I'm so good now I only drink 2 cups a day!)
8. Went for a personal holiday with close gal pals.
9. Baked brownies for a special someone (which is a miracle considering how the last time I baked was 6 years ago)
10. Bought myself a new pair of runners (my old ones were hurting my feet)

It has been a good semester thus far. I think God knew how much rest I needed. Haven't really sat down to be still and be silent ever since I handed in that last undergrad thesis. I've been running everywhere that I realized that I don't really have a direction.

I've come to really love my students. I wish I have more time to get to know them personally. They each represent such a colourful story - such rich and unique lives - if only they all knew Him, who knows them better than they would ever know their selves. So far, I've only watched from afar and I find how much I love this environment. I feel energized by the hustle and bustle in between classes. I reckon I would get restless if I had such a light and easy schedule every sem.

Then again, I remember that I am hoping for something more - not even quite sure what it would be exactly - but just trusting God to shift the keys and let the print start forming clearly before my very eyes. I know that this is a chapter for me to savour, although it has not been easy. And so I shall be glad for where I am today, although sometimes I feel as though I am not doing much. But I mustn't be impatient. Not my timing. It has never been my timing. So what if it's already June in 2007? I wonder what time is it in His time?

Other than that, it's been one of the loveliest 2 months! Learning to discover another person and the joys of communication is a process to savoured every step of the way. I never quite thought it'd turn out like this. I keep on finding room for learning, adjusting, compromising, wanting to understand and of course, loving. I guess, we're always in for surprises, aren't we? I never thought it'd be so easy once you've got your bearings right. This time around, I feel such a sense of security because I know that I've got my foundation on the right ground now.

People keep on asking me what, where and how am I going to pursue my postgrad studies. My honest answer, "I don't know." Yet, I am not too worried. Of course, there are days where I complain about having to do so much work. Then again, I think my focus is off-target then. Coz I reckon, sometimes it's the character that is in the making rather than the work itself. Oh well, I must need a lot of work then. =) Oh, it's just that my impatience gets the better of me on some days. Yet, I am reminded that most of the best things in my life came after a period of WAITING. So wait, I shall. Oh I pray I can wait. I hope I don't grow impatient and discontent.

Dad's health is much better. Mum's too. Overall, the storm has generally subsided. And I thank God for being there through it all, even carrying me at times when I most needed it.

Posted by Serena at 4:10 PM | Permalink | Comments

Isn't it always the little things in life that bug you?

I have carried around with me resentment, ill-feelings and whatever sense of discontentment in my heart for the past few days. This is not a good place to be.

The irony is that you know that they are petty, and yet you allow them get to you. How silly indeed.

I am going for a run to clear my head. Hopefully, somewhere along the way, my heart rids itself of its burdens too.

Posted by Serena at 6:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

If you ever worry about not ever growing up, I assure you will. Especially when you start working. It's either you grow up or you can swim in the swamp.

You find that some people are really just a child, stuck in a adult's body. It doesn't matter what credentials you hold and from whichever prestigious university you graduated from. If you don't ever grow up, you're just going to end up making a lot of people's lives a living nightmare. You would be the worst consequence to hit your work place. Best part of all, this kind of people think that they're being the greatest gift to mankind.

Resultantly, the monster you never knew existed, is brought to life from within you. You start exuding flames of rage. Of course, you can choose to be indifferent to all that happens around you. But it is difficult.

If you thought studying was a distraction to life, let me assure you, work will be of an even greater distraction.

Many of my colleagues end up either couch-potato-ing every night watching endless episodes of action and drama series or just zombifying in front of the computer, finishing up more of the much dreaded 4-letter-word ( in case you're blur, it's w.o.r.k.). That is how they maintain their sanity.

I, on the other hand, have been finding.my.way.

But I find that I treasure my time so much more now. You never really realize the gift of time until you start working. I am so grateful just for that few hours every night.

Otherwise, life has been good 'coz God is good in every single way, every single day, come what may.

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