Some days are hard. Sometimes 8 hours can feel like 36 hours. Sometimes I miss Seth, human interaction, a social life, even TV. On those days, the one thing that brings me comfort, joy, a sense of purpose, is cooking.
Last Thursday I was having one of these such days. Everything was hard, painstaking, and sad. Poor baby Flynn (the child I tend during the day) was having a hard time. I didn't know what to do for him, how to help him stop crying. Maxine was (and still is) cutting teeth, zoned out, drooling, and tired. Her first response was to yell or whine. After the 11th time telling her calmly, "I don't understand that, can you ask a nicer way?" I thought, 'She's never going to get it.'
As most Mom's feel at certain times, I was overwhelmed. When both the kids went down for a nap, I had a moment of peace. At 10:30 I decided to start my meal in the crock pot. I was trying this new recipe,
Brown Sugar and Balsamic Glazed Pork. The first step was to rub spices on the loin and let it cook for 6-8 hours. As I focused on the rub, the loin, and getting it covered, my mind was calm. I had no worries. I was able to completely sink into the task at hand. The emotional morning, the sad children, the constant needs, my lack of help, was forgotten.
When the rub was appropriately adorned on the loin, I retired the meat to the crock pot to cook. I continued to be at peace as I cleaned up. My mind drifted from one calm thought to another as I thoroughly cleaned and scrubbed the counter, utensils, plates, my hands, etc.
With no better timing, I hear little voices waking up as I finish drying off. Yet, I'm happy to see them. I've had my moment of peace and tranquility, provided by the loin.
As the day progresses, difficulties still arise. Yet, all the while, I smell the pork loin cooking. The cracked pepper and ground sage help me remember I did something, I'm making something today.
As late afternoon draws closer, I start to think about the glaze. When both kids again take an afternoon nap. I start producing the sauce. Brown sugar, balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, many of my favorite tastes mixed together to create a satisfactory glaze for the happiness bringing pork. Again, I'm creating. My only concern in that moment is perfecting the sauce. Trying it, adding a little more vinegar, tasting it again, adding some water. Tasting it again, and then again because now it's perfect.
When little voices sound, it's wonderful. Flynn gets picked up at 4:00. Maxine and I play outside, go over to my in-laws, watch Baby Signing Time, do mom and daughter activities. Yet, I can smell the pork. It's almost ready to turn to warm instead of low. I add the glaze on during the last hour of cooking, at intermediate times. I can't help put peek in on it as I near the kitchen. I just want to make sure it's alright.
As it turns to evening, I decide upon some sides. I have left over potatoes from Potato Soup a few days ago. Should I make real mashed potatoes? How about some green beans with pepper and salt? Those seem like adequate sides to serve with the master pork loin. As Maxine eats her peaches in her seat, I boil the potatoes. It doesn't even matter that I burn my finger as I drain the potatoes. I'm creating after all, it's not a no risk activity.
As I bathe Maxine, I hurry back and forth to the kitchen to lay the food out in a presentable manner. I nibble a little at the pork, try the potatoes once or twice, all the while, warning myself to wait.
Seth walks in the door at 7:15. I'm so excited to see him, but perhaps a little more excited for him to see the pork loin, potatoes, and green beans. I hold back my food excitement and ask about his day. He puts his bag down, puts his shoes away, picks up Maxine, and after what feels like an eternity, saunters over to the kitchen. "Looks good, babe." I can barely hold it in, "I made real mashed potatoes too." I'm awarded a smile and some more verbal accolades.
I'm terribly anxious to start dinner. I've been creating this meal since the morning. I want to enjoy it, I want Seth to enjoy it. Does it hurt he turns on the TV as we sit? A little, though I mourn more for the shared attention the food will receive.
I try extremely hard not to explain the recipe, tell how long I've thought about the dish, complement it too much. As I eat, I just feel a staggering sense of accomplishment. This is what my day was. I created this. The pork falls apart on my plate, I praise myself for starting it when I did. After a spoonful of mashed potatoes I wonder if I perhaps mashed them too much, yet they are still delicious. I share the pork glaze with my green beans. It's a perfect match.
When my plate is clean, I sit back and tell Seth, "You know, making this dinner was the happiest part of my day." He smiles and grants me another compliment, as if my comment was reaching for one. He doesn't understand it actually was the happiest part of my day.
How could he?
I wonder what I'll make tomorrow.