Ohh birthing people. no matter how it's done it is not for the faint of heart. This story is no exception, its long, and detailed, horrifying at times, but has a good ending called- My third child was born and I'm no longer pregnant. I will be honest about my experience and that may scare you. So- where to start since the pregnancy is completely undocumented.
I stress fractured my ankle right around the same time I got pregnant- for some reason I have a strong feeling that these two things are related. Looking back I think it was good that I could no longer exercise since big surprise I was diagnosed with placenta previa. Similar to Lola's pregnancy around 7 or 8 weeks (before even feeling sick or tired) I felt a strong impression to stop exercising. I think some how my body knows that I'm at an increased chance of bleeding with previa so it slows me down with promptings and broken ankles. The previa resolved RIGHT at 36 weeks, which is a whole other story in itself, but at that final ultrasound they determined that I had too much amniotic fluid ( de ja vu to Lola's pregnancy) I then went in for weekly ultrasounds and non stress tests until the baby was born. My due date comes. then it goes. no baby. no contractions. no dilation. NADA. Baby still is looking great though :) and I am still very much on board with my unmedicated little intervention birth.
 |
| Due date picture |
My 41 week appointment comes and things sort of don't look greeeat. Baby still is doing alright but is a tiiiiny bit less active. At my weekly ultrasound my fluid is WAY up, it had been going down and was almost within the normal ranges at my previous appointment so this was sort of worrisome to me. One of the serious complications that can happen when you have an increased amount of fluid is you can have a prolapsed cord which is basically that the babies head doesn't engage as well and when your water breaks the cord can start to come out before the baby and with every contraction the cord gets compressed basically depriving the baby of oxygen- scary stuff. This combined with a bit of decreased movement leads the specialist to suggest Induction but says its totally up to me- I meet with my midwife for my 41 week appointment after. We discuss all sorts of scenarios and options and waiting and what not. Emotionally though I am not doing Ok. I am super afraid of my water breaking at home and just all around nervous and I decide to be induced in the LEAST intervention-y way possible. The hospital is busy so they say to come back at 4... 3 pm rolls around and We are getting our last things together and the midwife calls to tell me its still too busy and not to come in. if something opens up even in the middle of the night she will call me! This picture is how I feel about getting bumped.
 |
| final cute ultrasound of Violets face |
I desperately hope they will call in the middle of the night so I make sure everything is ready to go and take final family pictures.
we eventually go to bed only to wake up to our alarm clocks and no phone call. Finally around 1 or 2pm I get the call to come in at 3 that afternoon. We quickly get our things together and out the door so they can't change their minds again!
We check in right around 3 and start with all the fun stuff like IV's and medical history. With Lola I had a horrrrrrible experience getting my IV (blood all over and I almost passed out, and it hurt horribly the ENTIRE time I had it in) so I was a biiit nervous so they had the charge nurse come in to do it and it was much much better. Surprisingly enough when they hooked me up to the monitors I was already contracting a bit maybe every 5 to 10 mins but they weren't painful at all- so maybe I would have gone into labor on my own anyway, we shall never know. My midwife came in around 4:45 and checked me and I was 2 cm dilated and 40% effaced. Our plan of action was to give me doses of a cervix softening medication in hopes that it would soften my cervix AND kick start my labor. The only down side is that you have to stay on the monitors for 4 hours after you get it.
 |
| Iv is in and ready to go! |
The medicine did its job and my contractions increased in strength and frequency. They were coming between every 2-5 mins and sometimes I was having to focus a little while having them. So exciting! I was so hopeful! I had to go to the bathroom to Pee a ton and it was such a pain taking the monitors with me. My babies wiggle so much that the monitors lose them and the nurse has to constantly come in to re-adjust the monitoring devices. I'm sure its equally as annoying for them. Thank goodness this hospital has this cool panel/tube top thing that goes over your belly to hold the monitors it place. It made things much more comfortable.
 |
| Contractions are setting in! |
 |
| view from our awesome room |
 |
| no one told me I couldn't eat the entire time... so I just kept eating! |
 |
The other side of our room- the infamous tub where I almost had the baby!
|
After 4 hours on the medication you are allowed a second dose. Unlesssss you are having too many contractions. Big surprise- I am having too many contractions. The new night nurse (who sort of sucks) explains it to me after my midwife came in and ordered the next dose. So I ask her to please go tell my midwife so that she knows I'm not getting the medicine so she doesnt wait 4 hours before coming back to check on me. The nurse starts explaining to me again why I can't get the medicine and I say yes I Know I GET IT. I just need my midwife to be on the same page as me with what is happening. She then tries explaining why one more time! so silly. eventually my midwife comes in and says that our options are to wait and see what my body does or start pitocin since I am not dilated far enough to break my water yet. (at 9ish I was 3 cm- so the contractions are working!!) I decide to wait and see what my own contractions do and the midwife and nurse keep saying for me to try and rest. They offer me an ambien but I just feel like if I were to really lay down and try to sleep my contractions would taper off which I really didn't want to happen. Also I just really don't get the whole "try to rest thing" for the laboring woman. I am in intense pain every 5 mins or less- can most people sleep through that??? I definitely cannot.
 |
| contractions sort of suck |
 |
| frustrated that things are not quite working out how I want |
 |
| someone was able to heed the ol try to get some rest advice |
Around 11 pm I can feel my contractions slowing down and I get super sad and emotional, I am still having too many but finally calm down and sleep from around 12-2 am. I then wake up from contractions and nurses etc. Since I am not on the meds anymore I technically should be able to take a break from the monitors, my midwife totally supports this so I talk to the night nurse who sucks. She does a huge spiel about how don't I want to know if something is going wrong with my baby blah blah and guilts me into keeping it on. lame. Also at some point she took my HR and said it was too fast (it was due to me feeling anxious about the contractions slowing down) and gave me some IV fluid which felt sooo cold. She eventually comes back and says that she will go along with whatever I want but I already get where she is at in this whole process. She leaves early which is lovely. The new nurse is nice, reassuring, and so on board with my plan. She gets out the birthing ball and suggests some new techniques for pain management. The first thing she mentions is getting me a break from the monitors (hallelujah). At this point I am getting legit tired and find myself falling asleep during contractions while on the birthing ball. They are painful enough that I have to breathe and concentrate through them but they are further a part. My midwife Rachel comes on call and comes in to chat with me. She is so so supportive and I could not have asked for a better caregiver. At this point the contractions have slowed enough to give me another dose of the misoprostal, I am dilated to 4 cm and 60% effaced. As soon as I get the meds my contractions pick up and begin to be painful in my back as well. Sometime around 10 I lose my mucus plug when I go to the bathroom- it was as disgusting as I thought it would be. Before with the other girls I always thought maybe I had lost it- now I know that I will KNOW when I do hahaha. My lame hospital socks slip down all the time and I make jt pull them up for me :). The contractions are so painful that I am needing to do my breathing through each one of them. I also find that sitting up in bed helps them stay consistent and strong but unfortunately makes them so painful and hard to deal with.
Around 11:30 the contractions once again begin to slow down and I am just feeling pretty defeated. Rachel comes in to check me and I am only a 4+ and 70% effaced. So much pain for soooo little change. We start talking options. We can wait it out to see what my body does since I'm having too many contractions for more Miso. We can start Pitocin. My water hasn't broken so technically I could go home. She isn't comfortable breaking my water because the baby's head is still super high and we really want to avoid a prolapsed cord. She lets us have some time to think.
In my mind all I can think is- "It's going to last for 24 hours, this will be even longer than miley's delivery and this is my third baby!!!" I am so emotionally done that going home is out plus we are both still freaked out about my water breaking at home. So the options are pitocin or wait it out. She comes back in and I discuss starting pitocin. I ask if once the contractions are stronger can we turn it off and see if my body keeps it up on its own, she says yes and that we will start it on the lowest dose possible- a 1. Right around 12:30 I get hooked up to the pit machine. Behold the patheticness below.
 |
| see that face? so so sad hahahah |
I sat just like that without moving for 30 mins crying. it basically my own little pity party. I was not getting what I wanted. Things were not working out how I wished they would and judging by my previous labors I still had about 5 hours still to go! After 30 mins the contractions became outrageous. I use my breathing techniques we practice- I think JT is helping me but I am SO in my own world ignoring him that he probably stopped. I also do a lot of swaying back and forth and doing some yoga Om's to distract myself and the vibrations sometimes mask the pain. Contractions are about every 2 mins and really strong in my back.
I decide to get in to the tub and much to my dismay since I have the IV going I can't put on my sports bra so I just have to get in naked (key detail for funny story later). Once in the tub it helps a little. around 1:15 the nurse ups the pit to a 2. Jt comes over and is counting me through my breathing but I find myself hyperventilating sometimes and feeling out of control. I begin to use visualization and chanting my little mantra (sorry if this is creepy but hey we learned to make one in our birthing class and it worked sooo) The one I came up with was "this feeling is my pelvis opening up and the baby moving down so I can meet her" I would say it in my mind over and over again and it helped me not fight the contractions so much. The nurse is checking in with me and I am feeling overwhelmed and I mention that I don't think I can do this for much longer and mention that I probably am going to need an epidural. My mindset is that I will be doing this for 4 or 5 more hours like I did with the other girls. I am pretty proud that I technically never asked for an epidural that is the closest I got. Around 1:45 maybe Rachel comes in and says "Did I hear the word epidural?? Tell me where the pain is the worst". I love that since I didn't say my code word she completely ignored my request and didn't have me fixate on it or consider it unless I really wanted it.
I tell her how my back is KIIIILLLING me. She has me kneel down instead of sitting on my bottom, she turns on the tub jets so they are pushing on my back. She gets me an ice water cloth for my face. She kneels down and is like 1 foot away from my face and rubs my shoulders and pushes on my back while coaching me through my breathing by breathing so that I can copy her. I am able to focus on her though I still am crying between contractions, shaking like crazy, and still sort of hyperventilating. I really wish I had asked her to come sooner. I love JT and he was so helpful but she was a dang miracle worker. We just really had NO idea what to expect and we tried to prepare the best we could but her experience was sooo helpful. (I was totally in transition, I see that now)
*oh why oh why can't laboring mom's brains work properly. I know all the signs of transition and being ready to push and yet could NOT for the life of me recognize them in myself. Perhaps its 'a defense mechanism so if you are in labor lots longer you can survive it?
At this point I just start saying that I think I need to go to the bathroom (hahaha ohhh kali, you KNOW what that means -you KNOW. No I didn't know) Rachel asks me if I think I need to push and I respond like "uhh I am not an idiot, I remember what it feels like to need to push a baby out and this is not that feeling- this feels like I need to poop" the wise nurse says "ohhh well I will just get the table ready just in case" She's wise. Looking back I think my brain just really couldn't grasp that it could all be happening SO fast and that it would be over soon. She says if I need to do it then that its fine and I gotta do what I gotta do.
My midwife explains how without an epidural the sensation is different. She mentions how when you need to push you involuntarily start doing it as well as doing a funny panting breathing. I have another contraction- I do the funny breathing. She says she think's I should get out of the tub. I say ok but wait too long and my next contraction starts and I say I can't get out now I have to wait until the contraction ends. During the contraction I am super in the Zone. So focused, breathing like a champ, killing it. Rachel notices and was like oh did that urge to poop pass, can you focus and get rid of it? I say yes I think I can so she says I can stay in the tub for a few more contractions.
Enter terrifying contraction. I am kneeling, dealing with a horrible contraction when suddenly I feel something crazy down below- something come out!! I am PANICKING and yelling "The baby's head is out, the baby's head is out" now mind you at swedish you are reeeeally not supposed to deliver in the tub. Definitely not ok. It was the most terrifying 10 seconds thinking that her head was out, Rachel tells me to stand up and calmly tells me that it was NOT the baby's head but that my water did just break and a bunch of amniotic sac is hanging out. I can't quite describe why this part was so scary to me but it just really was- I think because it was SO unexpected. I thought I had HOURS left. Jt later told me that when I stood up and he saw something hanging out he was sure it was the baby's arm and that we were both going to die :( so it was equally scary for him.
She then reaches over and checks me (this is where things become blurry, and I think I have actually blocked some of it out) I think I was standing in the tub or something- not sure how that worked out. But she tells me that On the next contraction the baby is coming out and that I need to get over to the bed as quick as possible. As I walk over to the bed all I can say is "And I can't take any pictures because I am naaaaaked" over and over and over again hahahahaha. As I walk I hear the words meconium and my gallons of fluid and water from the tub are leaving an awesome trail. More people come into the room I think. (respiratory team for the baby I believe)I am feeling out of control and panicked and scared. It was all so fast the bed is not broken down so they have me go on all fours.
Being as incoherent as I am I do not go the length of the bed but instead get on from the side and go the width of the bed. There is like NO space for me. Jt is up by my head (so he says- I have no recollection of him and what he was doing until the baby was like 2 mins old) and basically pushing my shoulders to keep me from falling off the other side. Apparently the nurse was on that side too? The next contraction happens and its like some sort of out of body experience. I am able to separate my mind from what is happening and sort of have this inner self dialogue about what is happening. It hurts SO bad, for me it is total garbage that pushing is a relief. It was hell. I feel everything, I feel all my tears happening and it feels like cuts with FIRE. Ohhh the burning. I am involuntarily screaming horrible screams and my brain has this conversation- " is that me? am I making those horrible noises??Oh I must be, am I pushing? I don't think I am pushing" I basically just scream for most of the contraction while people are telling me to push and JT says he was telling me I was doing awesome. Towards the very end I ask myself how did I push the other babies out and I remember that I held my breath and pushed like I was going to the bathroom. The contraction ended and she still wasn't out but now I have things under control and with the next contraction out she comes. thats right. 2 contractions after my water breaks baby is out. thank goodness it was only 2 or I think I would have died right there. 2:30 pm Baby Girl Meng #3 entered the world. Awww so sweet. ha ha NOPE. This is where things get well... pretty dang sad.
 |
| romanticized edited picture that in no way represents anything real. |
Once the baby is out they tell me to lay on my side and I can hold her, I look down and I am kneeling in a POOL 2 inches deep of Who knows what. blood. meconium amniotic fluid. bath water. I think perhaps a little poo as well. I straight up say "No I can't lay in that". They quickly pull the top most pads off the bed ever so carefully to try and contain the disgustingness. They hand me the baby. I can't even really see her face. The cord was around her neck apparently. She isn't really crying. She is super gray. Sadly, I DO NOT CARE. I don't even remember looking at her.
 |
| Real life, gray baby |
Almost the complete opposite of the amazing moments when I met Miley and Lola for the first times. (that right there is why I will NEVER do it again, I want that moment back so so badly). All I can do is sob. I say over and over "I never want to do that again" sprinkled with some "it hurts so bad". After a minute baby still looks not great so they take her over to get suctioned and some oxygen and she pinks right up and starts crying. I am left to deliver the placenta which was nothing compared to what just happened. However after its out they start with the reeeal fun stomach massage aka abuse. It was so so painful too. Then they tell me that I am having a post partum hemorrhage and they give me a shot of something and crank up my pitocin. Yay, just what I was hoping for, more super strong contractions. At this point I am still shaking and crying and now need to be stitched up. Getting numbed hurts like the dickens and the stitches suck too combined with more stomach massage (they did extra to help with my bleeding) and every time they smoosh my guts I feel HUGE gushes of blood. sucky. They periodically ask me if I want to hold the baby. I say no. Jt holds her for the first 45 mins skin to skin while they fix me up. After I was all done Rachel sat with me just holding my hand while I cried some more until my pain pills kicked in. She told me that it had been a VERY intense birth and very quick and that I would need to do a lot of processing, and that it would probably take awhile, and that I would probably need to talk about it. It was nice to feel validated in feeling crazy and knowing that things were intense it wasn't just me overreacting. I finally get a whole bunch of pain meds and am so medicated I can only keep one eye open but I finally start thinking "oh yeah, all this was for a baby. where's the baby?"
 |
| look how creepy dark her mouth is :( poor baby. Her little newborn cry was insanely LOUD. |
 |
| More Oxygen please lady! |
 |
| trying to nurse the child |
 |
| First family pic. it's a horrible picture. I'm loving the pain pills. |
 |
| such a pretty girl |
 |
| She weighed in at 8lbs 5 oz and was 21 inches long- our biggest baby yet! |
 |
| already remembering how to do the whole newborn thing |
 |
| Super Dad cuddling the baby since mom is out of it! |
 |
| Finally able to rest/maybe I died |
 |
| much better picture now that I am getting it together |
 |
| She owes me for like... forever |
 |
| Couldn't have done it without my team!! |
 |
| so cute |
 |
| Getting spruced up to meet her peeps. |
 |
| Katie came to visit that night and as I told her about the delivery I started shaking, which I thought was from cold but turns out its anxiety and happens often when I repeat the story. Too bad. |
 |
The beautiful view from our room on the day our little Tax girl was born!
|
Final After thoughts-
Why I did it-
- I had tearing with both older girls and I had hopes that this could possibly decrease tearing.
- I wanted to see if my body could go into labor on its own (guess we will have to keep on waiting on that one).
- I had heard that recovery can be easier without an epidural.
- My last epidural was problematic (had to do it twice and then the first 2 hours it didnt even work only my legs were numb and I feel like not only did it not help for those 2 hours but it magnified the pain of my pitocin contractions) and my back hurt where they put it in for probably 6-12 months after Lola was born.
- I really believe women's bodies were made to do this and that it can bring a sense of self I wanted to experience. I still strongly believe it can and is the right option for many women.
My top fears for an unmedicated delivery were that I would feel my skin tearing and that it would hurt horribly, that delivering the placenta would hurt, and that I would feel them stitching me up. I wasn't too worried about the contractions since I felt experienced with those.
It's strange that my labor was so long but then at the same time so fast. I am so glad that I was at a hospital, my contractions were only really really unbearable (what I imagined labor felt like) intense for maaaybe 1.5 hours and I'm sure if I was at home I would have second guessed myself that it was time to go since my water hadn't broken yet and I would have ended up having the baby at home! I really believe that! Total time contracting was 23.5 hrs.
My brain has already blocked out so many feelings associated with the birth which both fascinates me and saddens me. I already forget what the horrible contractions feel like and the things I said and some of the ways I felt. I feel so strong after having done this. I am glad I tried and succeeded at least once, I feel strong. I can do hard things. with that said I do not plan on doing it again. If we do have anymore children we are both sort terrified of having the baby at home. Jt was visually able to see how much blood I was losing and he said it was terrifying to him.
I am so sad that most of the things I was worried about regarding unmedicated labor came true. I really could feel my skin tearing and I still got a 2nd degree tear still as well as other microtears which I haven't had before. I am so sad that my first moments with my sweet baby all I could think about was my own pain. Even now sometimes when I try to relive the whole experience in my mind I start shaking. It was just a scary time for me. I also felt like an animal, like my body did what it needed to which is neat but I didn't love knowing it. I thought I wouldn't mind but really I did.
I think I have struggled with the final stages of labor since things went so differently than I expected. I expected similar experiences to my previous labors- the whole getting checked thing and being an 8, then 10 cm, then they prep stuff, then you push the baby out. I skipped so many of those steps that emotionally I was just so unprepared. I could do the labor contractions again. I could even push a baby out if I HAD to, but the whole stitches and missing out on the baby's first moments makes me really sad. So That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
However, I feel like I did have a special moment with Violet when we were finally at home alone a few days later and I looked at her and I felt like she really saw ME, her mom and we just bonded. I talked to her like I did with my other girls- I told her I was her Mama and that I would always love her and take care of her, that I would do everything on earth possible to give her the best life filled with happiness and joy, it was a very sweet moment. So even if you don't have that special moment after birth you can still have it later.
I am so grateful for my midwife group, they stuck up for me and supported me in so many ways with the pregnancy complications and then all of the labor craziness.
So she's here. and we love her more than ever!
