Three months means a lot of changes

Back in December, I was told I had a complete previa and would have to deliver via c-section.  So, for me, that meant planning what I needed to do before we headed into the hospital.  I researched complications associated with previas, tips to have an easier recovery, and made plans for everything that I could plan.  I knew that if I started having contractions I would have to have an emergency c-section so I tried really hard to limit my activities and stick to my pelvic rest guidelines.
Then we had my 30 week ultrasound and was told that the previa moved and was only marginal at this point.  I could probably attempt a normal, vaginal delivery but would probably need to see how things progressed on the day.  We scheduled a follow-up ultrasound a month later but continued pelvic rest.
At 34 weeks I was officially cleared of any previa!  Yay for no c-section!  But all my planning pretty much became moot at this point because I didn't expect to have a normal delivery.  So I wrote up my birth plan, including a contingency for an unplanned c-section if it goes that way. 
Now I'm at 37 weeks and waiting.  I keep comparing this pregnancy to Wes' (and I shouldn't) and by this point I had already gone into early labor, stopped it, and stayed dilated at a 3 since 34 weeks.  As of my appointment yesterday, I'm not at all dilated.  But I had contractions all evening long.  I've placed a towel in bed, under my side of the bed.  My sister told me that only 15% of women actually have their water break on them and I reminded her that with Wes my water did break in bed.  My bag is packed and I've got Wesley's big brother gift wrapped in my bag. 
Two other big changes have happened since I last posted in December.  Two days after Christmas my youngest sister had her first baby, a little boy. He is so mellow, a big ol' chubster.  I was able to be in the room when he was born and that sure was fun!
Lady month, my other sister, had her first baby as well!  Unfortunately for me she is living in Dallas right now and I wasn't able to fly down and be with her for her delivery.  After a long, hard night and morning she delivered a healthy baby boy.  He is so cute! 
This little guy is the last of this round of babies.  He is most likely going to be my last baby as well.  I'm trying to enjoy this time as much I can but this pregnancy has been so difficult for me in so many ways that Wes' wasn't.  Bleeding, nausea and vomiting, bleeding gums, so many restrictions, and trying to keep up with a very active 3 year old. 
However, I am grateful that, for everything that has happened, he is still healthy and progressing normally.  I am still healthy and have been taken care of by everyone around me.  Now we wait to meet my little man.

Maternity Photos

I have an awesome camera, thanks to my awesome husband.  And this time around I wanted to try taking my own maternity photos.  Mostly because I didn't want to have to leave the house and schedule them but also because I think I can do a good job myself.  Here is what 36 weeks, 6 days and no make-up looks like.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

Christmas time is near...

Generally, I get crazy into Christmas decorating and making gifts and everything that is cliche for the season.  I try to start shopping in September or October, hoping to be done buying stuff by November.  Christmas cards need to be finished by Thanksgiving, which is when I try to start sending them out.  I try to start decorating the house the weekend after Thanksgiving as well, with a live tree when it is possible.  I then, hopefully, will have the whole month of December to craft gifts so that they are ready to be given/mailed out at the appropriate times.

 This year, oh ho, this year is different.  I don't have a wreath or door decoration up because it has been a stormy month and I don't want to hear it banging around.  We didn't get a tree because we didn't get a chance to get one until the tenth and I didn't want to put up a tree for two weeks as well as try to get low enough to water it.  I did end up putting some decorations up so that we can put stockings out and have somewhere to place gifts.  Wes loves having the lights on!

 

 I don't usually make treats for Christmas.  I was asked to bring a dessert to my Grandpa Sandoval's dinner so I thought I would do something easy but festive.  I decided to make brownies with crushed candy cane on top.  Wes was a really good helper and helped me bake these treats. 

 Looks delicious!  I haven't tried them yet but the house smells awesome, like peppermint and chocolate.  Although the mix is store bought, I did make one change to the recipe.  Instead of using the oil, water and eggs that are called for in the recipe, I used a can of black beans instead.  This one change in the recipe means that the brownies are just a teensy bit healthier than normal.  I found the recipe online; I honestly didn't make this change because it was healthier but because it was easier for me to do.  Wes helped me out the whole time, which wasn't necessarily faster but he wasn't in my way or trying to get into things.  He helped me puree the beans, he helped me mix the batter with the electric mixer and he loved breaking the candy canes up with the rolling pin!  Here is the recipe that I found:

• 1 18oz Brownie Box mix ( I used the Pillsbury Chocolate Fudge mix)
• 1 15.5 oz can of Black Beans
• water
• sprinkles (optional)

First drain and rinse the beans. Place beans back into the can and fill with water. The idea here is to replace the salty bean juice with fresh water to reduce the sodium. If you have sodium free beans this step is unnecessary.

Puree the beans and water together. Add the bean puree and brownie mix to large bowl.  Mix well with a spatula until combined.  Spray your brownie pan with non stick spray and pour in the batter. (I used an aluminum pan from the dollar store.)  Top with festive sprinkles if you like. (NOTE: I put the candy canes on at this point on the first batch, but the melted out a bit.  The second batch I made I waited about fifteen minutes and then placed the candy canes on top and they didn't melt at all.)  Bake for 30 minutes. This may vary based on your pan size and material. They take less time then the package states for traditional eggs/oil. I found 30 minutes to be perfect. A toothpick stuck in came out clear and the top was firm to the touch. If you bake longer they will start to dry out and become more cake like.  Remove form oven and let cool in pan.

 Depending on how I feel today, I may attempt to make some cream cheese mints as well, but I'm not sure if that is going to get done.  This year is the year the I am letting go.  If it gets done, then it gets done; if it doesn't, the world isn't going to stop because of it.  I very much doubt I'll keep this attitude going forward but limitations this year have made me more likely to embrace this idea.  I still have gifts for Wes that need to be wrapped but instead of wrapping them individually, I may end up putting a few together in a box and then it's fewer presents to wrap for me.  We got a huge ride-on tractor for Wes and Casey is going to have to put it together tonight, so at least we'll be up together!

I'm sorry buddy

I went out to Target this afternoon with Wes and I did it.  I totally lost my shit and yelled at him and I feel so bad.  This is the first time I've really had a hard time controlling my patience with him, especially in public, and I feel horrible that today was my turn to lose it in public.
We took Casey lunch and Wes didn't want to leave him so I bribed him.  I try not to break out popcorn while shopping that often but I felt today it was warranted.  After being in the store and placing him in the cart, getting popcorn and soda and getting him his movie we actually started shopping. 
While shopping, he did really well.  He dropped my tablet once and scolded him but have it back to him to keep the tantrum at bay.  We walked the store, got what we needed and when he started getting antsy I headed to the front to checkout.  As soon as we got up front Wes tried to climb out of the cart.  I put him to work bib putting our items on the belt so they could be rung up.
Finished with that Wes climbed out of the seat and sat on the handle and would not sit back on the seat.  I had thrown my purse in the cart and I couldn't hold onto him and reach my wallet at the same time and add I wrestled with him my soda tipped over in the cart and started leading all over the floor!
I didn't notice it at first but when I did I got really upset, at both Wes and myself.  I picked it up, told the clerk and  got Wes seated so I could grab my wallet.  I paid and apologized (and then apologized again) and headed out of the store.  Wes didn't want to walk now so I pushed the cart out.  I got to my car and noticed that the lady on my passenger side, where Wes' seat is, had parked as close as she could and still be in her stall.
Great.  I usually open Wes' door as much as possible so I can maneuver him in his seat and not hit him anywhere on the car or squish my ever-growing belly.  I go to pick him up and he freaks out, he doesn't want to get in the car.  I've lost my patience at this point and pick him up and haul him over to the car.  He isn't having it and is squirming and fidgeting and won't let me buckle him in.  He wants his shooter and his kikis (silkies) and is kicking out at me.
I lost it.  I got down at his level and told him that he doesn't get to kick at me and he started trying to hit me.  Then I, still at his level, started talking loudly (or yelling, whatever) telling him he needs to stop fighting me and let me buckle him in.  He looked at me and I buckled him in and went to put the cart in the coral, noticing all the people walking to and from the store.
I didn't care, I took a moment to take a deep breath and headed back to the car to face the tantrum I was sure that was waiting for me.  As I sat down I turned to look at Wes, who wasn't having a tantrum at all.  He had a single tear running down his cheek and he just looked at me.  I felt, and still feel, horrible. 
I had to still stop at the UPS store and a minute after leaving the store he was passed out in his seat.  I knew he was tired and I was trying to hurry home but after seeing him sacked out I decided to take my time.  Not only to extend his nap but I wanted the time to calm myself.
I still feel bad.  I've never yelled at him like that and I'm mad that I couldn't control myself better.  He's two and he was tired.  I should've been able to understand that and I didn't.
Today was a big parenting fail.

Why love= food for me

 In August 2011 my paternal grandma had a series of strokes.  After spending some time in the hospital she was able to attend both of my sisters weddings that were to soon take place and she also was able to go home.  At the time, we knew that the Grandma Rufie of the past wasn't going to be coming back to us.

 My Grandma Rufie loved nothing more than to have everyone over to her house, preferably to feed all of us.  She spent countless hours in the kitchen, often times a crowded kitchen, literally making her love for us something tangible.  As soon as you stepped foot into the house, Grandma was offering food and drink to you.  It didn't matter if you had just eaten, you still weren't taken care of until you had at least a drink in hand or food in your belly.

 She used to take all of us grand kids for the night when we were all younger.  She would make tons of food for us, stay up all night teaching us poker, let us use all the blankets we needed to make forts and she indulged as a much as she could.  Even after family dinners when we had cookies and coffee for dessert, she would sneak us some Oreos to take on the ride home!  

 My grandma supported us no matter what.  When I moved to go to college I tried to make it home at least once a month to visit and I went back to school just about every month with fresh tortillas and food.  When I got engaged, my grandma gave me a set of embroidered flour-sack towels; I've never used them and have kept them safe in my closet so as to not ruin them.  When we had Wesley's baby shower, she apologized that she hadn't got a gift for me yet (she wasn't driving anymore at that time) but gave us some money to get Wes what he needed.  

 When Wes was born, just as when all of the grand kids were born, my grandma was instantly smitten and loved nothing more than to hold him.  She would reach for him as soon as she saw him and was content to just sit with him in her lap for as long as possible.  

 In November Grandma took a turn for the worse.  She had been slowly declining in health in the last two years, having fallen a few times and slowly losing movement and speech functions.  But it seemed that all of a sudden she wasn't here, calling people by the wrong names and not being able to swallow and speaking in Spanish when she knew some of us only spoke English. 

 On November 11 everyone who was able came to the house to say goodbye to Grandma.  On November 14, around seven in the morning Grandma Rufie died.  I have to say that I felt more relief than grief at that point.  My Grandma had been suffering for the last few years and she wasn't anymore.  I can't imagine what it was like to be trapped by a failing body and not be able to communicate as well as you used to.  

 I've tried to remember specific things from before the stroke and it's hard to do.  When I would come home to visit after I moved away she would always sit down with me and gossip and I have a hard time hearing her voice.  Her exact smell, the mixture of her perfume and her personal scent is lost to me now.  

 Anyway, that weekend I was okay as long as I had something to do.  I got to my grandparent's house and my sister was tasked with writing the obituary.  Together she and I got something together, something that I hope conveyed how much Grandma loved her family.  I then got to work on a memorial video for her.  With every one's help with pictures and my grandpa's song suggestions, I was able to make a video for her viewing.  Once I was done with that, though, I had a much harder time.

 Again, I wasn't really upset for me as I was for my Grandpa.  My grandpa was forced to retire early after a heart attack and then several years later went blind, with no explanation.  He hasn't allowed these restraints to stop him from doing what he loves, like playing guitar and gardening.  It's been very hard to watch Grandpa break down crying.  My grandparents were one week away from there 63rd wedding anniversary when Grandma died; after that much time together how do  you live without one another?

 Watching my aunts and dad grieve has been very hard to watch as well.  There isn't a magic cure-all for grief and words aren't enough when you lose a family member, especially a parent.  Trying to be there and do as much as I can for them, I hope that helped.  

 The viewing and funeral were really hard to go to.  I'm not ashamed to say that I hardly spent any time up at the casket.  My Grandma was already gone and even though her body was still here, what made my Grandma my Grandma was already gone.  I'm not sure that seeing her in the casket is the last way I want to remember her.
 I've been working on a Christmas gift for my aunts and it has evolved from what I had originally planned.  I wanted to get one of my Grandma's recipes and print it out on fabric and give it as a tea towel.  I had a recipe picked and ready at home when everything happened last month.  Now, I'm going to make a recipe book with her handwritten recipe cards and some photos.
 Grandma Rufie was very organized with her recipes, she had several boxes of clipped and handwritten recipes.  There were often multiples and most of her recipe cards only hold ingredients; no baking directions because she knew what needed to be done.  She had many wrapped in plastic wrap or plastic sleeves so that they wouldn't be ruined while in use.  As I've been scanning them, I had to unwrap some of them and I was able to smell her every now and then.

Boy oh Boy! What a few months it's been

 Today we had our 20 week ultrasound, to make sure the baby is developing at a healthy and normal rate as well as to find out the sex (a little later on this).  For me, we needed to find out if this pregnancy was going to continue better than it has been or if it would proceed in the same, not so enjoyable vein.

 The last time I wrote about my pregnancy, I was just getting over a month-long feeling of malaise.  I was finally feeling well enough to start cooking and cleaning again and was excited to start enjoying this pregnancy like I did with Wes.

 We went to our September check-up, everything seemed well and the heartbeat was nice and strong.  Then the very next weekend I started bleeding a little bit, then a lot.  I checked with my doctor's office and was told to come into University Hospital's ER if I got really crampy or the bleeding worsened.  Luckily neither of those events came to pass but they still wanted me to come in Monday morning for a viability ultrasound.  After throwing up in the lobby of the hospital (right in front of Starbucks, not embarrassing at all) we got a to see the baby, doing really well.  A little spotting here and there, but nothing to worry about when we went to my next appointment in October.

 My appointment was on Wednesday, everything again going really well and then on Thursday afternoon I started bleeding heavily.  Of course it was after hours and when I got a hold of the on-call doctor, she said unless I was in a lot of pain to not come into the ER but head in to the hospital in the morning for another viability ultrasound.  So I dropped Wes off with Casey Friday morning and headed up to the U to make sure everything was okay.

 I got my ultrasound done, again saw the baby bouncing around and was reassured that nothing on the ultrasound indicated why I might be bleeding.  I headed down the hill, got lunch for us and then went to Casey's office to get Wes and eat lunch.  I was literally walking into Casey's building and felt myself start bleeding again, and heavily this time.  I freaked out, called my doctor's office and waited for the nurse to call me back.  Sure that something was wrong, I just waited for them to call me back and tell me to head back up to the hospital.  (Not that it hasn't been a TMI post already, but here comes the good stuff!)  When the nurse called me back, I had already started to head home, figuring that they would catch me on the freeway and I could whip up to the hospital, no problem.

 I had been using the only maxi-pads I had at home all morning and they were overnight ones leftover from my post-delivery recovery two and a half years prior.  The nurses said if I was soaking through one or more pantyliners an hour for more than one hour or having severe cramps to come in immediately.  At that point I had soaked through an overnight pad in less than an hour but had no cramping.  So I waited.  And while I waited for it to get worse my mom came to pick Wes up and take him to a Halloween party that I couldn't make.  My mom and dad took Wes for the weekend and I didn't do anything; I slept, got up, moved to the sofa, ate, and then went back to bed.  

 The bleeding got better early Friday evening and never did have any cramping.  Sunday afternoon I drove up to north to pick up Wes but stopped at my sister's house in Clinton first.  As I got out of my car I got some pretty severe cramps but they stopped after a few minutes and I was able to head over to my parent's house in Roy.  I felt a pressure on my belly and had to lean my seat back and thought maybe that was what caused the cramp.  I got to my Mom's house, ate lunch with them and then got Wes packed into the car and ready to go.  

 As I got into my seat, the cramps hit again.  It was horrible pain, starting in my back and then coming forward into my lower belly.  I couldn't sit down in my car and had to get out and lean over.  Not wanting to leave Wes alone in the car, I walked back to my parent's door and rang the bell.  My mom answered and I told her I had some bad pain and if someone could go sit with Wes for a minute.  I really didn't mean to scare my parent's that bad but the cramps were horrendous and I couldn't stand up straight.  My dad wanted to call Casey to come and get me but after about fifteen minutes or so the cramps were gone and I felt well enough to drive home.  My parent's wanted to follow me and make sure that we got home safely but with a promise to pull-over if I had any problems, we made it by ourselves.  

 I went in Monday morning to get checked out and make sure the baby was alright.  After hearing a strong heartbeat I got an awesome exam.  I was told that my cervix was closed and that there was no apparent reason why I was bleeding.  The NP I saw told me to treat this bleeding as if I had a placenta previa and to go on pelvic rest until I knew for sure if that was the case.

The Mayo Clinic explains a placenta previa as "Placenta previa occurs when a baby's placenta partially or totally covers the mother's cervix — the doorway between the uterus and the vagina. Placenta previa can cause severe bleeding before or during delivery."  Pelvic rest was explained to me as: no sex, no exercise, no swimming, no baths, no undo pelvic strain and no lifting.  If it was indeed Placenta Previa I would have to have a C-Section when it came time to deliver so that I could avoid bleeding out during a vaginal delivery.  Awesome.

 So for the next three and a half weeks I bled, sometimes heavy and sometimes light.  I really didn't have any cramping or pain, so that was good.  And for the fun part, my nausea and vomiting came back just to make me really appreciate Wes' easy pregnancy.  Of course, during this time Wes needs to be taken care of as well.  We watch a lot  more movies than we used to, he goes into his playroom and plays with his toys and brings them back to me to play with and it's hard to pick him up as much as he wants. 

 I had plans to enroll Wes in his second swim lesson this November; he passed parent-tot level 1 and is only able to do parent-tot level 2 until he turns three.  I wanted to keep the time between when he would be able to do more lessons as short as possible because he loves being in the pool.  With my new no-swimming mandate there went our plans to do swim lessons before he turns 3.

 Then, as quickly as it started, the bleeding stopped.  Just stopped, not that I was complaining but I didn't know what to do.  My appointment was that week and to be honest, I was expecting a bad appointment.  I didn't say anything but I was trying to prepare myself in case we didn't hear a heartbeat; I  know that negative thoughts probably weren't the best thing but I wanted to be prepared in case.  Thankfully, everything was good.  I had my 20-week ultrasound scheduled a few weeks after that November appointment and the bleeding stopped so my NP decided to wait to do an ultrasound to check on the previa.

 So, my 20-week ultrasound was scheduled for December 3 and as luck would have it the first big snow storm to hit our area happened that previous night and early morning.  After a somewhat scary drive to University Hospital (stopped car on the freeway + me and a semi trying to stop to avoid hitting him= driving 30 mph the rest of the time on the freeway) we got into the ultrasound room and got ready to watch the monitors.  

 Right away, we could see the baby moving all over.  As the ultrasound tech was trying to get measurements the baby kept bouncing around.  We got to see the baby wave at us, see the heart working perfectly, the crossed feet.  She asked if we wanted to know the gender and we said yes and as she began checking I could clearly see some baby boy parts! 

 I had convinced myself that the baby was a girl because this pregnancy was completely different than Wes' and also because I had a dream back in the spring that I was holding a baby girl.  As each of my sisters found out they were pregnant before me, I waited for them to tell me that they were having a girl and both of them found out that they were having boys.  That meant that I was going to have a girl, I knew it.

 Well, I guess I was wrong about the girl bit but I'm still super excited about having a boy.  Wes doesn't get the whole baby thing yet but I think that these two boys are going to get into lots of trouble together pretty soon!  On the whole, the baby is looking well and progressing at the perfect pace.  He is measuring spot on for his age and weighs 10 ounces as of now. 

 For me, things aren't so positive.  While the placenta has moved away from the cervix, which is good news, I have some veins that are running across the cervix which isn't good news.  The doctor who read the results is calling this a complete previa at this point, so yeah.  My NP called me once she had gone over the results and wanted to go over them with me.  Continued pelvic rest at this point, another ultrasound in 6 weeks to determine if there are any changes and, at this time, we are planning on a C-section when it comes time to deliver.  

 At this point, half way into this pregnancy, I feel okay with the planned C-section.  This isn't going to be a last minute surprise and I can plan for it.  I feel like being able to come to terms with it now will allow for me to enjoy what I can when he comes.  No, it isn't the scenario I wanted (I was hoping for a natural birth this time) but as long as a healthy baby boy is the outcome I think I'll be okay with it.  

 So here's to little boys!  Here's to dirty knees, sweaty kisses and lots and lots of bikes.  Fearless, adventurous and loving little guys who need Mommy when they get hurt and want Daddy to go get dirty with.  I can't wait!

10 years...

“Miss Misery" video

I'm pretty sure I was 16 when a friend and I went to see “Good Will Hunting".  We weren't old enough to see the R-rated film and were going with boys (ooh!) but I really wanted to see this movie.  While it was a good film, and one I can still watch over and over, the soundtrack really got to me. 
I remember going to the library and renting the soundtrack on CD, if that sentence even makes sense anymore.  I listened to it over and over, falling slowly in love with this voice that was so sweet but these words that were so not.  As someone who was raised on the radio Elliott Smith was my first venture, my exploration into non-pop music.
As I got older I started searching out more of his music and have most albums and some live songs, mostly covers.  I feel an intimacy with him that seems inappropriate because I don't actually know him.  Listening to his music always feels like he is singing directly to me, only for me.  He gets me and I him.
I've never suffered from depression but when I do get down I can listen to him and know he gets me.  But I don't need to be down to get him.  I love breaking out into song when “Sweet Adaline" comes on and it makes me happy!  I think even in Elliott's darker stuff there was still a sense of hope to it.
Ten years ago Casey and I were still living in Las Vegas.  I remember having the tv on, tuned to MTV for whatever reason.  All of a sudden Kurt Loder comes on in a breaking news segment to announce that Elliott Smith was dead, from two stab wounds to the chest.  Even after all these years there is no clear indication if his death was a suicide or homicide. 
I remember standing in the hallway of our little apartment, staring at the tv.  Shock and sadness kept me rooted in that spot, listening as what little information was available at the time was rehashed.
I couldn't believe it when Casey asked if I knew what happened 10 years ago today.  He subscribes to Rolling Stone's Twitter feed and always has some random music trivia to make me feel old but today I don't feel old. 
Listening to Elliott Smith's music makes me feel like a 16 year old again: opening myself up to something different and exciting.  Of that rush when a song resonates with you.  When you hit repeat on your discman and get every nuance, every breath intake, every squeak of his fingers sliding across the strings. 
I've yet to find another singer-songwriter who affects me this way and I honestly hope I don't.