The Aussie cousins come to play

Cheering for the awesome Wildcats!!!

I thought these were really sweet!

My neice Melanie with Ally The rest of Wil and Audrey's kids chillin with mine

How cute is this?! Izzy with Maeby

Who is that plump lady in those glasses?

Its so hard to get your picture taken in just the right light and especially when you feel so gross and you know you look like Jabba the Hut! I do love my new hair cut from Melissa. She cut it today after dance class and Karate. All the kids love what they are doing. I am seeing my role of Mother coming back into the picture more and more each day. Also I love my new glasses.

Wanted to show off both the hair cut ( which you cant really see how awesome it is) and my sexy glasses! Zooweee Mama! The fringe around my face is my favorite. I think it matches pretty well with the glasses.

ps: I hate Zyprexa!

School school school!

I always thought school would go totally different then this. It's crazy how your world changes and not everything goes to plan. In my case I don't have a choice anymore about the how and the whens. I feel grateful for this opportunity to learn so many cool things and do something I love so don't get me wrong. It's just that there is another love that means more to me. My family. I always pictured hair school for later down the road. Now If I want to be with my kids I will have to have a skill and work for now on. WORK! Not stay home and get the kids off to school, hang out with my youngest and watch him grow. Not clean and run errands. I was going to be home at dinner time with dinner on the table. Now for the next year while I am spending practically everyday learning about hair and busting my butt I will have limited time with my kids. I have to do the awkward switching of the kids.

I look at my ( still ) husband trying to get a glimpse into what he is thinking and how he is handling all of this. I am certain he didn't plan this life either. I do realize this is because of the awful disease that took my rational part of my brain for so long. I know its because I lost sight of the most important reason we are here in the first place. Now that the Lord has shown me that I CAN do this with his help and he gives me that extra push everyday I am grateful. I feel like I am not fighting the beast right now. I actually have had days where I didn't think about wanting to take something to numb the pain. I just want what is best for Drew me and the kids. It's hard to except this outcome though...

Back to my emotional state

Actually it never leaves me. and I never know how to let it out and express myself. I have resorted to one of the things that kind of helps. Songs. One of my favorite bands is Cold Play. I used to clean, cry and listen to their songs and really paid attention to the lyrics. These two songs are beautiful and tell some of my story.


FIX YOU

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you



THE SCIENTIST

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, lets go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Raising Hope

I caught the first two episodes of this show after Glee and OH MY GOSH I am so excited for this show. I really think it will take off and do well. You HAVE to watch this trailer and tell me what you think! The baby Jesus comment was my favorite!

pardon me for being cheesy

Ever since I went to see the Miley Cyrus movie with my girls a couple years ago, this song always makes me choke up. Lately I seem to be changing it because I don't want another ball fest. I love that the lyrics talk about faith and how we just have to keep climbing. I swallow hard. I am facing the trial of my life and I feel like I have been knocked down. I don't know how I get through most days. I don't think I will go into more detail today.



I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Odyssey House and Scared Straight- All too similar!

This is too funny though! Thought you'd like this Maj!

Today was a wonderful day!

I couldn't sleep at all last night do to my lovely insomnia so I was up and showered by 7am and went to my moms. I had some time to read and relax since church wasn't until 11am. My awesome Aunt and Uncle are staying with them and leaving to the MTC tomorrow morning. They are serving a mission in Ukraine. This is my Aunt Marti and Uncle Ralph. My major helpers in my recovery!!!! We bore our testimonies today and it felt absolutely amazing to stand up there and thank them, and my parents and loved ones. I cried pretty much the whole day. Relief Society was about being a good spouse. Then I saw the bishop and had a great talk with him. We had a nice dinner after church and then I got the chance to tell Marti and Ralph how my treatment at Odyssey was, and how it should and could go from here on out. They told me how proud they were and that I just need to have faith in the Atonement. They reminded me that I need to forgive myself. Move forward...

Tonight I was only with my kids for a short period but I was genuinely happy and comfortable as I helped my boys in the bath, and Drew and I talked about the kids and it was a precious moment for me.

1-1-11

Happy New Year to all!



I hope everyone had fun festivities to do last night. Healthy ones! I was at my parents and I didn't make it to midnight. I am getting too old to stay up til the ball drops MST! I have been having a great week just trying to get situated and figure things out. I have also had a couple sleepovers with the girls.

I have out patient pretty much figured out. There is one in Provo that was recommended by my family practice Dr. There is a great psychiatrist to work with my lovely mental heath and the anxiety and depression. The out patient is there as well. I just need to see if I can start up this coming week. I have been going to the 12 steps, seeing my therapist and doing my daily's. I am seeing my bishop on Sunday. I don't know what more I can do. I am putting my whole heart and soul into this and it means everything to stay this motivated.

I have been able to see my kids and play games with them. Ally and I have had fun with Phase 10 and Monopoly. She's so dang smart there's no playing nice! I have also been enjoying my mom's company. I missed my family so much. I missed being able to shop with my mom. She's feeling good enough to shop a little and it's so great since I thought that might never happen again because of her health. I am so glad she is taking meds that are actually helping. I know she still feels crappy but she's not in bed. We took down all the Christmas decorations, and she took me to buy some clothes that actually fit. I went to the Dr on Wednesday and weighed myself at 163lbs. Wowza! It's amazing what staying off drugs and eating will do for you. I am taking two different diet supplements and working out at the gym everyday. Don't know when I will see progress but the exercise is really therapeutic and helps me stay clear headed. If anything I can turn that fat into muscle. Exercise is always a good thing.

10-10-10

My sobriety date. Pretty cool I think. Passed the 60 day mark rounding to 90. I should get a chip! Anyway...



I am home. I made the decision to leave Odyssey a few nights ago. I talked all day to the therapists there about how my treatment was going and they agreed it would be in my best interest to start some outpatient treatment. I only had a couple weeks left there, and to be honest not much is going on because of the Christmas season. Lots of rec time was to come and when that wasn't happening I was cooking and cleaning all day. Group got cancelled twice and I was really upset because I wanted to talk and process some things I was trying not to hold in.

Odyssey has a reputation for being one of the hardest treatment centers. I think it's because it's ran like a boot camp. The swearing is horrendous. The therapists even drop the F bomb an awful lot. Aside from that I got all my assignments written that were to be complete before I left. My thinking errors and my drug and alcohol history. I also wrote an autobiography that was 16 pages long.

I know everyone will be a bit concerned about what this means for me. I can only say that I knew it was the right choice for me. My treatment and recovery is far from over. The money was well spent and I will put the rest towards more therapy. I am looking into it right now. Thank heavens for Marti and Ralph! I was told Petersen's helped as well so thanks to them too. My gratitude spreads far and wide to all my family who has prayed for me daily. I know it's what has got me to my pillow every night.I started reading the Book of Mormon every night with a little flashlight. I remember reading about the great and spacious building and how I could apply that to Odyssey. A bunch of addicts together with the Iron Rod right there for us to grab on to. If we would just take that step and have some faith that Christ is there to help guide us. I finally started having some faith. There is only one thing in this world worth fighting for. I am fighting for it. I haven't been this clear headed for a long time. I take my sobriety very seriously now. The look on my kids faces when they got to see me was absolutely priceless. I am going to hold on to that.

For now I am going to take that ingenuity and run with it. Tomorrow I am going to a 12 step meeting, I am working out at the gym (I gained 15 lbs since I left)and Gordon my therapist has me doing a daily sheet so that I am working on 4 different areas each day. Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically and Sobriety.

I have been feeling very blah lately, like my mind doesn't know what it's doing. My body wants to move around and do things but my mind says no! I have been very busy with school and I just started the freshmen course over because I missed more then 15 hours and it's a requirement. I was way upset at first but on a positive look at it, at least I'll be extra ready when I get out on the floor. I was super nervous about having to make that transition already, and now I don't have to quite so soon. It doesn't mean I failed, I was doing really well actually. My tests have all been above 100%, and I am getting haircutting down pretty good. They just have a policy about hours. The only time I missed honestly, was if I was helping out my mom taking her to the hospital, or the burial service of my grandpa. I wasn't ditching school all the time. I love it too much! 15 hours isn't that much. So lame! The first week starting all over was so boring! There are 19 new students and all are gorgeous, and under 22. I feel soooooo old!

I really wish I could change so many things about my situation. I know my mom is too sick to have my kids here, so I have been having one of them at a time on the weekends, but it feels so weird. I wish I had my own place so I could have them with me all the time. I go by each day after school to see them. Usually do some reading with them and give them loves. It's just so hard not to be apart of their day anymore. I don't get them ready in the morning, help pick out clothes or do their hair. I don't sign their folders, or even do much homework with them. Weekends come and I barely see them then. I know it's not my moms fault, but it sucks. It almost feels like I am not a part of their life. If I could change anything right now it would be that. I would have them so much more. Drew could really use a break and is working so hard. I can't imagine. I know he never thought he would have to be the main care giver and be responsible for everything. I hope he knows how much I hate this. I feel very lonely most of the time. The only way I get through it is to study, pray and think positive. It's only a year. After I graduate I plan to get myself situated in my own place and maybe have the kids. It will be a big transition for all of us, but It's so very important I keep that role of their mother. I don't leave the house without tears. Every single time I drive away I cry. I try not to let the kids see it, and I try and stay strong for their sake. Isabelle has the hardest time out of all of them. She gets great attention from the both of us kicking and screaming for me not to leave as Drew holds on to her. I know it's hard on all of us, but I also know she's good at manipulating the situation. Poor girl! I guess out of the whole thing, I hope they know I love them so much and I didn't abandon them. I hope Drew knows I am not intentionally doing this. I really have no other options at this time. We tried to sleep at my dads about a month ago but it was difficult because he has a very small basement apartment. I am so blessed to have Drew doing such a great job with them. The support of his family is phenomenal. He doesn't have to spend money on child care. It must wear on them as well. We will all get through this. I know it. One day at a time.

It wasn't long before my mom had to go back into the hospital. She's been there since Friday. She thinks she will go home tomorrow. I really hope it's a while before it happens again. It's so difficult to see her so sick. She's dealt with these illnesses far too long. I think she's been in the hospital more then she's been at home this past year. That's not fair for anyone! She decided she is NOT doing chemo anymore. If things get worse she is just going to let it be. Actually she is trying a new med for Lupus, but I think we all know she's not getting much better than this. I'm not trying to be negative, but with all the crap and all the meds she's on, it's barely stabilizing her. Prayers and more prayers!

I really hope you listen to this beautiful song, although it's a little harsh on the F-bomb. I still love it!

I can't wait for more form this band

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f***ed it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my...

tremble for yourself, my man,
you know that you have seen this all before
tremble little lion man,
you'll never settle for any of your scores
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck
learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f***ed it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f***ed it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f***ed it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f***ed it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?


I heard this song for the first time last night on the radio and it was one of those "this is it" songs, Like this is how I feel right at this moment. Sorta how I have been feeling about my failed marriage and that It's so important to have integrity and stand up and be responsible. I am thankful everyday that my little lion man has held it together and is such a tremendous father! He deserves to be happy and I yearn for that day for him. However it may come. Great great lyrics though... I had to sort of edit them a bit.

I have a new crush! I freakin love this song too! Don't know what it is but I always want to dance!!!

I must be in an emotional mood tonight

I was thinking of this song today. It hadn't crossed my mind in a long time. Drew sent me this cd a couple weeks after our first date and dedicated this song to me. It has always been MY song from him. He loves Chris Ledoux and in the beginning of our relationship I got on a big country kick because that's all he USED TO listen to. Not so much anymore. In fact I don't think he ever listens to country anymore and neither do I. We are way more into Chili Peppers, Dave Matthews, etc. This song will always hold a special place in my heart. It's amazing how it brought me right back to those early days. It's good to think about when things were so right with the world and we were so happy.

I added the words to the Clint Black song as well because I feel that way so much right now. I wish we weren't saying those goodbye's but at least the don't have to be "bad" goodbyes. And as the song says, I don't know where we'll go from here. I still pray everyday for the Lord to lead me in the right direction. I am not holding on, and I realize I have to let go, but I will always love Drew.