Don't quit your day job? Don't worry...I won't

I spent this past weekend at the Baltimore Comedy Factory where Shane Mauss was the headliner. Shane is an outstanding comedian and overall really nice guy. After performing at the Factory for the past three years, I can definitely say it is a very unique club with unique people. The picture above says it all. People who know me also know that I have a collection of awkward tattoos. The most awkward being the poorly constructed eyeball that resides directly in the middle of my torso. I sometimes will talk about the tattoo on stage and can say that I know no one who has an eyeball tattoo on their stomach...until Saturday night. The gentleman standing to my left in the picture above stood up during my set and yanked his shirt off to display his own version of the ever confusing stomach eyeball tattoo. He completely interrupted my set but since its Baltimore and because he was one of about 37 different people who interrupted my set this past weekend, I didn't mind so much. We bumped into each other after the show and he was gracious enough to give me a picture and provide me with the back story behind the tattoo. I will not repeat the back story as it has a XXX rating but lets just say this guy was a character and leave it at that.

There was another first for me this weekend and one that I cannot really elaborate on because again I am trying to keep XXX rated content out of this blog. But, I will do my best to describe it appropriately while not being too graphic. Basically, some drunk Guido and his obnoxious girlfriend sat in the very FRONT row directly center of the stage. They were loud and obnoxious during the emcee's set and started out the same for me. I addressed them at the beginning of the set and they were...shall we say...less obnoxious for me but still inappropriate. I finished my set, which was mediocre at best, and made my way off the stage happy to have survived what was up to that point a horrible show. Shane made his way onto the stage and was immediately greeted with crowd chatter and incoherent babbling from the chatty Guido and obnoxious girlfriend combo. Within minutes things had gotten out of control and the couple were asked to leave by the staff. As the couple stood to leave the club, it became apparent that their had been some "activity" taking place under the table. As Guido scumbag stood, his pants drooped to his knees and he made little attempt to conceal himself because obviously he was proud of his accomplishment and in typical Baltimore fashion, wanted the crowd to see what he had been up to. Since I had just left the stage it became apparent that this guy's girlfriend was providing him some "assistance" while I tried to tell jokes to an inebriated audience.

I'm not sure how I feel about this? Is this what my comedy makes audience's feel like doing? I certainly hope not. Maybe they were so bored with me that they decided to provide their own entertainment? Whatever the case, this was a first for me and hopefully a last. I've had worse weekends of comedy than this but not many. What did I learn from the weekend....sometimes doing comedy is harder and less satisfying than my day job. Wow.

Baltimore Comedy Factory

I realize I have not updated this blog in forever and I'm not sure who is still reading it or if anyone ever was. The inactivity on my part is unnacceptable and I'd like to tell you (blog reader) that I will be more aggressive with updates but I make no promises....Mom.

Check me out at the BCF this weekend, June 11-13. Print out the ticket above and show it to the bald, tattooed yet non-threatening looking doorman. He'll make you pay admission but you'll get all your drinks for free all night. Man, what hoot.

Just like Extenze, this could be FUN!

I'm tired of Michigan and stuff...

I just got back from a five day run in Michigan...I'm exhausted..and I have to get up for work in four hours. Needless to say, I didn't really think this through.

Michigan is cold and it snows a lot and by a lot I mean all day every day. My first show was in Mt Pleasant near the Soaring Eagle Casino. The casino is owned by the Chippewa tribal people and they made up the majority of the crowd. I found them to be fun and somewhat eager to participate in the shows. One native american was particularly vocal and told me his name was Darryl. I found this to be an odd name but I kept calling him Darryl throughout the night and he kept answering to it so maybe he was telling the truth. My set was choppy because I haven't been on stage very much lately and also because Darryl kept initiating conversation with me. Afterwards, we all hung out for a bit and at one point Darryl and his girlfriend started making out right next to me. I haven't seen a good PDA in a while and forgot what it was like...not as awkward as I remembered but still very embarrassing.

The next day I drove to Rockford, MI to do a one nighter at the Crazy Horse Saloon. It wasn't as "crazy" as I anticipated and that actually made me quite happy. This was probably my favorite show of the week. I met some cool people who sat in the front row and were very engaged in the show. My favorite audience member of the week was at this show as well. Her name is China; she is a photographer, she sat in the front row and laughed at everything...she is awesome. After the show I went back to my room and finished reading Steve Martin's "born standing up." I have never been a big Steve Martin fan but I really liked the book and thought it was well written and pretty much spot on with some of his insights into the world of stand up.

The next day, I drove to Battle Creek, MI to perform at Gary Field's Comedy Club. The club is actually a small theatre that seats about 250 people. Gary emcees the shows and is an amazing club owner. He greets everyone and takes the time to talk to his customers, the comedians, and his staff. He is a class act and I really enjoyed meeting and talking with him. He should be the mayor of Battle Creek...just saying. This is a really great club and although the attendance was a little down because of the snow and the economy, I still really enjoyed my week there. I did not enjoy the hotel I stayed at though. The room itself was fine; it had a microwave, fridge, and whirlpool but it was easily the smelliest hotel room I've ever been in. I complained about it but then when I stopped by the headliner's room I realized his room was equally smelly. I'm not sure who was creating the stench but apparently he or she made their rounds to each room. Speaking of the headliner; Kevin McPeek is a veteran stand up comic and a good guy. He works clean, which I admire, and he is funny. I enjoyed working with him.

This weekend was a good experience as most trips on the road are. I know one thing for sure; I'm not really cut out to be a road comic. I guess I've known this for a little while but I try to book these kinds of shows because I feel like I need to do them to grow as a comic. Honestly, I'm not sure how many more I'll do though. I don't travel well; I don't like the lifestyle, I don't like not having a routine, and most of all I don't like being away from my wife. I love doing stand up but being on the road is not really for me. I don't mind driving a few hours to do a weekend of shows; to me thats not really travel but spending days on the road is grueling. I'm just glad to be able to sleep in my own home, in my own bed, with my own wife. That came out wrong.....you know what I mean though.....

Tough Crowd

I know what some of you are thinking, "Jon, why are you wearing a scarf indoors?" Others are probably saying to themselves, "Jon's hairline is even more receding them usual." Still others are probably wondering why I look so much like Donnie Wahlberg in this picture.

Answer; that is my wife and that is Donnie Wahlberg. She loves him...has for years. She also loves the NKOTB (New Kids on the Block)...has for years. She recently purchased tickets to see their reunion tour at the Verizon Center. Incredibly, after she had already purchased tickets, she ended up winning a "fan package" online. This fan package included backstage passes, a meet 'n' greet, and the opportunity to smell each member of the band. Because she had already purchased tickets, she now had 2 extra tickets that she didn't know what to do with. Face value was $78 so I snatched them from her in hopes of scalping them before the show. I've never scalped a ticket before or even purchased a ticket from a scalper - but, how hard can it be?

Apparently, much harder than I realized. I walked to the Verizon Center right after work and spent nearly 1 1/2 hours outside the concert trying to sell these NKOTB tix. The problem is that the other scalpers were super aggressive and talking up their tickets. So, in order to compete with them I had to do the same. You don't understand humiliation until you've tried scalping NKOTB tickets while dressed in khakis and a polo. Uttering ridiculous statements like, "New Kids tickets! Who needs um? What's up? Got some hot tickets here! These joints are hot! Jordan, Joey, Danny....Donnie Wahlberg, SON! What's up?"

I've never felt more alone or more inadequate in my life. The other scalpers were laughing at me. I've been doing comedy for more than 4 years and I've done a lot of shows at a ton of different venues; clubs, colleges, bars, crab feasts, fairgrounds, high schools, backyard patios, outdoor decks, banquet halls, conference centers, theatres, the list goes on...

But, in my four years of comedy; I've never bombed as hard as I did the night I tried scalping NKOTB tickets. My wife tried to comfort me afterwards; "they probably already had there tickets, honey." "It's a reunion tour, nobody waits to the last minute." "The other guys probably didn't sell their tickets either." She is a sweet girl but I know better. It's never the crowd's fault and I take full responsibility for this one.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

Top to Bottom

It was just brought to my attention that I used the phrase "top to bottom" no less than 3 times in my last blog. I have not read the blog since I wrote it to confirm this but lets just say it came from a reliable source who I trust. I will not change the blog...I don't change blogs.

Tomorrow night I'm at the DC Improv Lounge which is inside the DC Improv. Showtime is 8pm and cost $15 big ones and features some local favs like Robert Maher, Andrew Kline, Randolph Terrance, and me, Jonathan Mumma. This is going to be a great show, top to bottom.

Helium Comedy Club

I just got back from 4 days in Philly at Helium Comedy Club. First of all, this is an amazing comedy club. Management does everything right; they book a solid show top to bottom, they treat the comedians wonderfully, they treat the customers the way they should be treated at a club, they manage the room for the comics, and because of all this they attract great crowds. It is a pleasure to perform there.

I worked with two exceptional people. Cory Kahaney, from LCS and various late shows, was the headliner. Kent Haines, winner of the funniest person in Philadelphia contest, was the emcee. Here come the compliments:

Cory Kahaney - A class act. She is all that is good about stand up comedy. She is honest onstage and consistent with every performance. She never cheats the audience and delivers with polish and intelligence. She is great with the crowds, good off the cuff, and has great material that is personal and unique to her. On top of all of that, she is gracious off stage and a pleasure to talk with between or after shows.

Kent Haines - I believe Kent told me he'd been doing stand up for 2 years and that this was his first paid weekend at a club. He could have fooled me. He conducted himself like a true professional all weekend. He has well written jokes and has an amazing work ethic. Before, between, and after each set he would meticulously take notes in his joke book. He is a stand up fan and treats it very seriously. He's also a really solid dude.

Helium Staff - From the bartenders to the managers to the wait staff to the bouncers. Top to bottom, these folks are awesome.

The crowds were pretty thin throughout the week and I blame this on numerous distractions; baseball games with playoff implications, debates, and dreary weather. Regardless, the people who did come to the shows were a lot of fun. The Wednesday and Thursday shows both held 20 -25 people. When I first started doing comedy, small crowds scared me to death. Strength in numbers was my motto; the more people there, the less chance I had of bombing.

This was such a negative attitude; I was always worried about not doing well instead of being anxious to perform and eager to win over a crowd. Now after gaining more experience and working quite a bit the past 2 years, I've found that crowd size really has very little to do with the amount of fun you will have onstage. If you perform in front of a hot crowd of 200+ people, every comic does well. It really doesn't give you a gauge of how well you are connecting with the audience. But, doing well in front of a small crowd gives you such a wonderful feeling of satisfaction because you can really hone in on your surroundings. By the end of the set you start recognizing certain laughs and you know exactly the person making them. You recognize facial expressions that you wouldn't notice in a packed house. I feel like those small crowds are the ones that really help a comic define themselves. The set has to conversational and you MUST connect with the audience members. In front of a packed house I sometime feel like I'm on a projector.

Needless to say, Wednesday and Thursday were really fun. The Friday shows were great too and I had quite a few family and friends come to the late show so that was definitely my favorite of the week. I can't put it into words the feeling I get when I can see my brother laughing in the audience or hear my sister-in-law cackle from the second row; amazing. The early Saturday show was a blast as well and was probably the best overall show of the week. After four days of visiting friends and family and performing each night, I was pretty exhausted. My late show Saturday performance was a bit toned down. The show went fine but I felt like I was running on fumes by the end of my set. I don't know how headliners do it?

Finally, I want to thank our friends Amy and Joe. They were kind enough to let me stay with them all week and even cooked for me. I can say I've never been more comfortable when on the road. I spent the week playing with their giant rabbit ( this thing easily ways 75 pounds), playing guitar hero, and eating Amy's grilled cheese sandwiches, and Joe's waffles. They are awesome.

I am really in a blogging mood lately so check back soon because my next blog will be devoted to making fun of my wife.

The key to beating Anderson Silva!

As most of you know I am a big UFC fan. Right now the best pound for pound mma fighter in the world is Anderson Silva and this is not debatable. The man is a monster and his fights are best described as beautifully calculated violence. One of my fav fighters is Rich Franklin who has been demolished by Anderson twice and will not get a 3rd opportunity because no one cares anymore. Both fights were lost when Anderson trapped Rich in a Muay Thai clinch and then delivered knee after knee directly to Rich's face. Knees to the face are a great way to knock someone out...from what I've seen.

Rich is a great fighter and has done as well as anyone else in the UFC when facing Mr. Silva. This says a lot since Rich admittedly has had no answer to Anderson's Muay Thai skills. Until now! I've been doing a lot of research online trying to find ways to combat the muy tai clinch or plum as it is often called. Oddly enough, the answer comes from an old Star Trek episode. I'm not positive what fighting style Captain Kirk used but my guess is it was a combination of Krav Maga, kyoshin karate, and sambo wrestling.

In the video Captain Kirk looks to be completely outclassed against the giant man lizard. Watch closely; after feeling each other out Kirk slips a left hook and delivers what looks to be a two handed hammer fist (:20). Although not used very much anymore, this technique was made popular in the 50's and 60" and employed heavily by Rick Simon on Simon and Simon during the mid 80's. Unfortunately, the double hammer fist had very little effect on the lizard who immediately throws another left hook. Kirk slips the punch again and delivers a judo chop (:23) to the back of the lizard's neck. Another "old school" fighting technique most recently seen in the Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. The captain delivers with pinpoint accuracy but against the man lizard it has little effect. After creating some space Kirk looks to cut an angle with some traditional American kickboxing but unfortunately he telegraphs the roundhouse kick (:29) which allows the man lizard to close the distance. From here the lizard employs a deadly scoop toss alla Faceman on the A-Team. Immediately, the man lizard locks Captain Kirk in a classic Muay Thai clinch (:42). Here is the key; the lizard is obviously looking to deliver some knee strikes to Kirk's head but at (:52) the captain unloads a double ear smack which dazes the lizard! Incredible! Although it doesn't knock the lizard out, it clearly dazes him allowing Kirk to create separation while delivering a blow and limiting any damage he may have taken from the clinch.

I really feel this is the only way to beat Anderson Silva. If you can't beat his clinch, you can't beat him. Using Captain Kirks double ear smack maneuver, I feel Rich or any other fighter would be able limit damage from Anderson's clinch plus daze him by knocking off his equilibrium.

Sometimes the answers are right in front of you....ha! Imagine that.