So many changes

Babies go through so many transitions in their first year…we have to figure out breastfeeding, then bottles, pumping, formula, then transitioning to solids, and weaning off bottles and reducing milk, and then open cups and straw cups. That’s all just the first year on feeding!! Not to mention all the issues with sleep training and regressions as well…

My baby (now a toddler?) is turning 13 months soon, and he has always been a pretty good sleeper at night (ie, can sleep through the night). While he has relatively low sleep needs and sometimes skips naps or even refuses to sleep at all in the day, I never had to worry about his overnight sleep. He tended to make up for lost sleep in the night or in subsequent days so it all evens out.

However in the last 3 weeks, he started waking at 4-4.30am - it all happened right around when daylight savings ended on Nov 2. It was really frustrating because it’s an awkward time to wake up, we can’t quite start the day at 4am nor create a habit of it, plus it’s clear he’s still tired. Sometimes he can’t fall back asleep, and sometimes he can with our help, and it just messes up the rest of the day’s naps since he either gets overtired or under tired. It means we cannot really schedule the day and have to be flexible with our routines a lot of times.

I think it’s because he’s teething (bottom teeth next to the first two), but also because he fell sick a few weeks ago with a cold, and ended up with a runny nose for 2.5 weeks. He could also be going through a sleep regression at 12 months learning a ton of new skills (stacking blocks, sliding doors, opening and closing doors, reaching for things, dancing and saying different words, pointing). It could also be us transitioning him off formula to more solids. There are so many things that could be a factor in a baby’s sleep!

We have been trying to figure out if we want to sleep train him again or just hold to sleep, and I’m in the camp of doing whatever works best for us and sticking with it. So probably hold to sleep and if we can get to a consistent routine, then sleep train again. Knowing that we are going to Asia in 3 months, and his sleep schedule would get all messed up again, I’m thinking to just get by till we return and then we try sleep training.

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Given how many changes and transitions he’s already gone through in the first year, I’m learning the importance of letting things go. I have to learn to let expectations go since things could all change as he grows older — he might suddenly not sleep well or suddenly reject foods. I’m not used to dealing with change, so this is really forcing me out of my comfort zone. I have to remind myself not to be frustrated when things don’t go as expected, he’s just a kid and it’s almost to be expected he would defy expectations. 

If I go at my toddler’s pace, I would be present in the moment and could really enjoy the time with him and have fun! It’s both boring and interesting watching him do repetitive things over and over; it’s boring for me, but interesting seeing how delighted he gets likes it’s the most fun thing for him to do. It’s all in changing my frame of mind from a schedule-based, adult way of life — to a spontaneous, childlike way of life. 

Seeing the world as a toddler is definitely a fun way to live. 

It’s His First Birthday! 🎉

My baby turns one today, happy birthday my little one!! 🎉🎂🧸

We celebrated with the in-laws last weekend, but didn’t really plan anything for today. I guess it will be the same as usual, but maybe I’ll get a slice of cake?

My little baby is growing up so fast, he’s not so little anymore. He’s been walking and climbing things like a champ, and yesterday I noticed he’s so tall now, like a toddler! He outgrew his bear suit with his arms and legs sticking out 2+ inches. That’s how much he’s grown in the last 3 months!

It’s so true that time flies, before we know it our kids grow up so quickly. It’s really important to treasure the day to day moments and appreciate what we have with our babies. I am grateful to be able to spend time with him and I hope my baby does too. That he’s enjoying going into toddlerhood (oh no! he’ll always be my baby even as he’s becoming a toddler), and having fun exploring and discovering more things.

Thank you to all friends and family for the birthday gifts and well wishes! It’s more exciting to celebrate his birthday than my own 😂

How to See Others Deeply and Be Deeply Seen

I’ve been reading this book “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks, and found that a lot of the concepts discussed align with how I’ve been striving to live my life in the past 12 years (ever since I became an adult). It’s refreshing to see a book describe what I wish I had known 12 years ago, but it also made me feel happy that I figured it out and arrived at similar conclusions on my own, albeit through hard-earned experiences and a lot of mistakes and failures. I’m still nowhere near there yet; I am able to achieve deeply knowing another person only a handful of times, and I feel like I’ve forgotten to do it well in recent months and years. I’ve become too self-absorbed and nonchalant about others, and I shall strive to do better!

This book is a really good reminder for me to be an empathetic listener, to be more curious about others, and to see things from their perspectives. I have stopped doing this consciously ever since I got married and comfortable, being secluded with the pandemic, and then with the many negative news out there these days — it really makes it harder to connect with others. 

I like this quote especially, the author put into words how I felt with my baby these 10+ months:

“It’s amazing how much you can come to know someone, even before any deep conversations happen. When my oldest son was an infant, he woke up every morning at around four. At the time, we were living in Brussels, where it doesn’t get light in wintertime until almost nine. So I’d have four or five hours each morning in the dark to play—to bounce him on my chest, to run his wooden trains, to tickle him and laugh. 

One day as I was lying on the couch, holding his hands, and he was bouncing on my stomach with his shaky legs, it occurred to me that I knew him best of any person on the planet, and that of all the people on the planet, he probably knew me best, because while innocently playing with him I’d been so emotionally open and spontaneous. It also occurred to me that though we knew each other so well, we had never had a conversation, because he could not yet talk. All of our communication was through play, touch, and glance.”

That’s how I feel about my baby, and I’m so glad that the author talks about playfulness as a way to connect with others too. I have newfound joy in being a child again, and that’s a deeply buried part of me that deserves to see the day of light. It has been shut down for many years, but my child-like persona deserves to play and be seen as well. My baby sees that side of me, and loves me regardless, which heals my childhood hurts and wounds. I feel so loved by him, and I wish I can get this unconditional and expressive love every day.

I love you my baby. I want to do my best to teach you all this as well, so you will be prepared to see others deeply and be seen deeply when you grow older.

The Power Pause

I’m reading this book called “The Power Pause”, and a lot of it resonates with me as someone who held a strong identity tied to my career, and went through a little struggle to decide if I should be a full time mom or continue working. It’s a book encouraging moms to reframe the career break as a power pause, and be positioned to go back to the workforce even stronger and better in the future. I’m not yet convinced about that part, but it’s still an interesting read, something for me to keep in mind.

This quote really stood out to me: 

“When you’re at work, all you can see is what’s in front of you: the deadlines, pressure, frustration, exhaustion, and burnout,” she says. “But our values change when we have children. And when you take time away from the commercial workforce, it allows you to clear your head and reassess what yours are. In time, you can translate those values into the next career you want to pursue. Taking a break can be incredibly important. It can launch you even further.”

I agree so much with this! My maternity leave helped me see how absorbed I’ve been in career and volunteering and constant pursuits, and haven’t given myself time to relax and slow down. To just enjoy life in the present, to appreciate the little moments that we have. Sure, it can be boring at times, but it’s also a very refreshing way of resetting your body and mind, and feeling happy in just being. Loving myself as I am.

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The decision to stay home (vs work) essentially made itself when I realized I no longer enjoyed my work, as the culture and people have changed, and I longed for a break, to focus on something more meaningful and less stressful. Motherhood suited me since I enjoyed playing and having fun with my baby. While I did not enjoy the chores, I realize they are kind of meditative, relaxing even, once I figured out a rhythm to the routine and repetition.

Sometimes I find ways to engage my baby in my chores like dancing while I’m making breakfast, or make funny faces while folding laundry, or singing happy songs while washing dishes. But these days, what makes it easier is for me to listen to an audiobook or a podcast while I’m going through mundane chores. I pause to play with my baby, but otherwise let him explore and play independently, as he’s really been enjoying walking and wandering all over the house. He then turns and comes back to me for comfort. 

It’s become easier on my body since I don’t have to carry him all the time anymore, especially since he’s gotten heavy. He prefers walking / crawling instead of staying in my arms, and somehow finds it more entertaining touching random things in the house 😆. It does get harder to keep him away from dangerous things or putting inedible things into his mouth. He's tried eating leaves and soil/bark off our potted plant, and grabbing some Kleenex and stuffing them into his mouth!

It's been quite a journey, and I’m glad that motherhood is evolving in both easier and more difficult ways.

The Fleeting Early Years

I was playing with my baby and had the thought that my time with him will be so fleeting. It’s not 18 years you get with your kids, it’s really only the first 10-12 years that your kids rely on you and want you around for everything. My baby is only 8 months old, but he already doesn’t want me to hold or hug him all the time, and he wants to crawl around and stand up on his own. But he’ll always turn to look for me and smile at me, like he’s saying, “Look mummy! I’m standing! Look at me!”.

I love how he keeps turning for me, that regardless of where I am in the room he’ll crawl to the closest spot to me and play there. He likes his independent play, but at the same time be near me for comfort and affection and love and attention. It’s so cute! And I wish I had that as a kid myself, then I wouldn’t feel as deprived of affection and attention as I do as an adult. I want things better for my baby.

It’s funny because as I’m thinking these things, my hubby shared this video with me.

It’s true - I think that as kids hit puberty, they generally don’t want parents around as much. This is probably an evolutionary instinct, as they need to learn to be independent and be ready to leave the care of their parents. Teens want their own freedom and independence to explore and try their own things. They want their own friends. They want to try dating, and parents end up being more like a hindrance or annoyance to them. They want to rebel against what parents tell them to do, as they need to learn for themselves to make mistakes, handle their own failures, then pick themselves back up again. I’ll strive to remember this as my baby gets older, no helicopter parenting!!

My goal is to become a friend and peer-like mentor to them at that stage, and be a steadfast anchor for my kids. I want to be the person they want to go to when they need comfort, love and affection, when they need acceptance of who they are regardless of what they did, and I’ll be there for them. Just be a safe harbor when they need help, have questions or want to cry or complain to someone. I’d like to think my years of volunteering as a mentor to high schoolers make me well equipped for the role of being a mom of teenagers 😅.

Till then, I want to treasure every moment I can with my baby. Before I know it, my baby will no longer want mummy anymore!

Benefits of Video Games

I knew that playing video games has its benefits, but couldn’t quite explain or quantify it. This presentation really laid it out clearly, and I learned some new things too! You can watch the video here (it’s a little long but you can listen to it at 2x speeds!).

I didn’t realize that video games can improve kids’ reading, and have them read at multiple grades above their level! The idea is that when a child is interested in the topic or game, they will take on the challenge to understand the text and to figure things out, even if it’s more difficult than their level of understanding.

They learn to build scientific models to figure out how to win at the game, and how to improve and get better. There are games that encourage learning new languages and interacting with other players across cultures and around the world. This is fascinating, and has been true of my experience playing different games in the past 20+ years (on console, PC, mobile, cards and board games).

Play is a great way to learn, and I’m glad to hear that games is a form of play that can help bring people together and improve. 

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I want my baby to learn to play games productively, to enjoy the process of learning and figuring things out! It would be so fun for the whole family to be bonding over games in the future (until he gets to be a moody teenager who wants nothing to do with his parents 😂). 

I’m also worried about him getting addicted or into the dark side of gaming, jeopardizing his mental health, his studies and social life. It is something that I think every parent worries about, and I don’t want to become the cliché of a close-minded parent not allowing games at all for my kids, building up resentment from them. That would be so hypocritical of me, since I’ve always loved playing games since I was 12!

I will have to think about how to inoculate him from the dangers of gaming addiction and playing with strangers, particularly when he’s still at a susceptible young age, and to set a good example for him to model in the future. Feel free to DM me if you have any ideas on how I can do that!

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Here’s a fun update on Overwatch - I’ve signed my team up for a tournament that started last night, and will continue through the next 7 weeks. We are excited to be playing different teams and being forced to learn and improve! But we are the lowest ranked team, and I can see that we will be losing many (if not all) the games in the future.

We are the underdogs, but the more we review our teamwork and gameplay, the better we will become. At the end of the day, we are the ones who stand to benefit most from this tournament! But it also means that as team captain and the unofficial grownup / mentor of the team, I need to make sure that we don’t crumble under pressure or succumb to negative self-talk that causes us to lose sight of our goal. 

Our goal is to practice and improve, not necessarily to win. If we do happen to win along the way, great! But that’s not the point. We are a new team and have a looong way to go to get better. Wish us luck!

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Reflecting on my past 2+ months as captain for the organized team in Overwatch, I found myself really enjoying mentoring others on the team. Even though I’m not very good at the game, I’m the oldest and I have seen a lot more in life. Since my team is all girls and mostly aged 18-22, I realize how vulnerable and sensitive they are, and also insecure or anxious as well. I felt the same way at their age, and I still do now that I’m older, but I’ve just become better at self-talk and self-soothing, to take a step back and take the big picture perspective.

Some games (including Overwatch) are like a sport, where you can review your gameplay, get coaching, and focus on your mistakes to do better. You learn how to handle disappointment from losing, and then persistence in trying again and again in order to win. This mentality is so crucial to a good life, to building positive psychology and mental resilience, as our kids will always be faced with setbacks and challenges in life. They need to learn how to handle them on their own, as us parents won’t be around to help them all the time. In fact, when they become teens, the point is for them to figure out their own identity to be separate from us, and so my kids will probably not want my help at that point.

As I’m helping my teammates with a positive mentality, I feel like I’m teaching this skill of how to build resilience in their mindset to handle failure. At the same time, I’m practicing it myself - the more you teach others a skill, the better at the skill you become. It calms me down when I help others, and I’ve found that it’s such a win-win situation to do that in order to help me stay focused on learning and improving as well.

It’s funny that I’ve found myself in a leadership role inadvertently again, but I’ve grown so much in the past decade that I actually enjoy being a leader. Compared to the young introverted me, lacking in confidence back in high school and college, I’ve really grown into my own. I feel so proud, so lucky and grateful to have turned out who I am today. That all the struggles and work put in over the years are paying off.

Life is Fragile

You won't believe what happened this morning!

I was burping baby and walking around the living room, when I saw a flash of brown and a loud THUMP. Feathers flew in a swirl outside the window. A small sparrow, poor thing, just slammed into our window hard, and bounced onto the ground. Did a bird just kill itself against our window, right in front of my eyes?

I was stunned, traumatized. The sound of a small bird hitting the window was so much louder than I could have imagined. It sounded like a human pounded against the window. This was the first time that I witnessed a life snuff out before my eyes (besides bugs that we've killed). I felt so sorry for the poor bird, and sad that life is so fragile. One moment, soaring through the air. The next, dead.

A part of me hoped and wondered, maybe the bird isn't dead. Maybe it's just concussed and passed out. 

We've had a dead bird once, on the back side of the house, and that looked different - it lay there after hitting the glass railing on the roof and had red blood flowing from its body. That was well and truly dead.

This bird seemed a little different in that it fell to the ground in a sitting position, so it's still upright. Its head lowered to its chest and was resting in an odd nesting position. I'm afraid to check if it's dead.

I went on with my morning, feeding baby and doing my thing. Figured I'll tell my husband when he's up, and we can figure out how to dispose of the dead bird, like we had done before.

An hour later, a miracle happened. My hope came true - the bird woke up, took a big poop on our patio, hopped around, and flew off. It's alive! 

I'm so glad we didn't have to dispose of the dead sparrow. My heart was hurting, seeing and thinking of the poor bird.

What an eventful morning. It's a good reminder that life is fleeting and so easily snuffed out. We never know when our last day is - let's be sure to treasure every moment and the people around us. 🩷