twelve things for twenty-twelve

Happy New Year's Eve!!

As I have tearfully reflected on this past year, I have so many wonderful memories and also some regrets. I always feel like I could have done better in so many aspects of my life that it's hard to not get down on myself. I regret being so insanely jealous of others, due to my countless hours spent looking at all your lives displayed on facebook and blogs. I have compared myself to you and I have felt like I don't measure up. You have better hair, houses, style and talents. Your babies sleep better than mine, are easier tempered and you are super-moms who do it all. Your lives are more exciting than mine as you go on weekly dates with your significant other, travel around the world and take amazing photographs. I regret feeling jealous of you. I regret not doing enough and not being enough. Most of all, I regret not being a happier, and good person to be around.

I am reinventing myself. It's never too late, right? I have been thinking about how I want to be remembered. I am not particularly talented in any area. I don't take amazing pictures, I'm not funny, witty, smart or super pretty. I don't have an amazing fashion sense and heaven knows I'm not great at interior design. I'm not writer, musician or poet. So what am I? I want to be remembered as being gracious. That is one quality I can possess and be really good at it. It is measurable, attainable and something I've always admired in others.

In retrospect I've learned that many of my trials have come to me because I am not grateful enough. So, in light of this (and praying to God that I can have a better year without TOO many hard trials) I have decided that my theme for 2012 is "Be Grateful." President Gordon B. Hinckley came up with the 6 "Be's" of life, and Be Grateful was the first on the list. To me, it seems the most important. For the other "Be's" click here.

Since the year is 2012 and there are 12 months in the year, I've decided that 12 will be the magical number. Each month will be its own category and I will list 12 things I am grateful for/things I love in that specific category. (I may have to go more than 12 in some areas though).

I also got the idea of listing the things I am grateful for from the First Presidency Message in this month's Ensign. The article is titled, "The choice to be grateful," and at the end of the message is a "gratitude challenge" to list 100 things we are grateful for. To read the article and see the challenge, click here.

I feel like this exercise, stretched out over the course of one year will force me to reflect on the things I am grateful for and help me to realize all the wonderful things in life. This will help me see the things I do have and help me to like myself and my life a little more, especially when I don't compare myself to you all.

So without more chit chat and endless explanation, here is the list!!

January - 12 trials I've had that I am grateful for

February - 12 family members I love and am grateful for (I may go over 12)

March - 12 friends I am grateful for (again, may go over 12)

April - 12 material possessions I am grateful for

May - 12 things I'm grateful that I'm learning about motherhood

June - 12 things I am grateful I know/have learned

July - 12 things I am grateful for/love about myself

August - 12 places I'm grateful to have been/lived

September - 12 things I love and am grateful for about nature

October - 12 wonderful memories I am grateful for

November - 12 modern inventions I am grateful for

December - 12 things I am grateful for about the gospel of Jesus Christ


In addition to being a more gracious person, I have added three more goals for 2012:

1. Read 12 new books
2. Take more pictures
3. Have less regrets

Notice that I did not say take "better" pictures, just more. It's a step in the right direction. I will focus on the talent part of taking pictures next year maybe.

I am really excited about this new me and goals I have set. I will be grateful for whatever 2012 brings because I am reinventing myself and hopefully becoming the person I've always wanted to be.

our christmas story

The Christmas tree was trimmed and decorated,

(Shattucks)

(Cooks)

The stockings were hung by the mantle with care,

(Shattucks)

(cooks)

In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there!!

And Santa did come,

With his reindeer!

And the babe was wrapped in swaddling clothes

and placed in a laundry basket. :)

We had a fabulous Christmas holiday! We hope you did too! We are excited for the new year, and I can't wait to tell you my new year's theme that I've chosen for myself and this blog for 2012. It's gonna be great!

love our cookies

So I decided to keep a second blog, just for the babe. It will mostly be just pictures and updates here and there. I can't promise that the photos will be all that great since I'm not a photographer and the pics will mostly be from my phone (until I can get a better camera!)

The url is: loveourcookies.blogspot.com. It is cookies (plural) because we will have more kids someday! Here's a picture of Phin to hold you over til you can hop over to the blog.

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mary's lullaby

Yesterday at church we had a special Christmas program in relief society (Sunday school for women). There were several of us that read from a script and we had musical numbers intermittently. All of the women were the "women of Jesus." There was Mary's mother, Joseph's mother, a shepherd's wife, the innkeeper's wife, Elizabeth, and lastly, Mary. Guess who I played? Yep, that's right. Mary.

My script was like this:

I am Mary, and Jesus is my son. My story is simple and has been told and retold since before time began and will continue to be told in the future. The story is of spirit rather than history and is truth will be made known through the holy ghost. I know the Savior lives and he is our redeemer. I encourage you to make Him the center of your lives.

I went last and when it was my turn, I was already crying before I stood there. I couldn't read my script for a good while until I gained composure. Then I read my script and sang a song. I was holding Phineas and I wore a shawl on my head. I sang Mary's Lullaby with Phin in my arms, singing to him. Here are the words:

"Lullaby, lullaby my little one.
Lullaby my child so dear.
Thy precious life has just begun,
Thy mother holds the near.
While Joseph watches through the night,
A star reflects thy radiant light.

Lullaby lullaby my little one.
Lullaby my child so dear.

Thy gentle head shall wear a crown,
For thy father is the king.
Thy tender hands so tiny now
Have blessings great to bring.
Let all creation join my song,
For peace and love this night are born.

Lullaby lullaby my little one.
Lullaby my child so dear."

I barely made it through the song. I had a lump in my throat the entire time! There wasn't a dry eye in the room. It was so spiritual. I kept thinking about how Mary must have felt. She gave birth to a baby who she knew would suffer and die for the sins of man.

I love phineas so much and can't bear to think of anything happening to him. So of course I was emotional during the song! Plus I was last, so I had to endure all of the other readings and crying from them!

Anyway it was a great experience and I'm so glad phin didn't scream the whole time! I am definitely grateful for the birth of Jesus Christ and all He did for us. I have pondered His life so much more this holiday season and I feel closer to Him. I hope this week brings you joy as you reflect on the Savior's life. Merry Christmas!

six week peak & an accident

Phineas is six weeks now, and at the peak of his colic. We are definitely at the worst of it right now. Every book I've read and everyone I've talked to has said that babies hit the peak of their fussiness (regardless of colic) around weeks 6-8 and it gets better after that. We are really looking forward to the "better" aspect of all this!

He is still eating well. He is gaining weight and growing strong. Here are a few pictures of our little guy for you to enjoy. (And then I have a story for ya'll).



They day Phin turned six weeks (Monday) we were planning on going to dinner with our friends because they are moving (and leaving us!!). My mom was at my house that day helping out and I was going to take her home and then have dinner up in American Fork. I decided to take state street for whatever reason. Looking back I totally regret that decision, but the choice was made and what happened, happened.

At 1600 North and State street, the car in front of us was speeding up to make the yellow light but last minute decided to stop. I had to slam on my brakes pretty hard and even swerved a little to avoid crashing. I immediately looked in my rearview mirror out of habit because I got rear ended in high school and now I always check what's going on behind me when I have to stop short suddenly. I saw a car a little ways back and they were approaching fast. It looked like they had no intention of stopping.

I said, "They're going to hit us!!" and within a few seconds, they did. Our car lurched forward and I screamed. They hit us HARD. I was screaming, "NO!! NO!!!! My baby! My baby! My baby!!" I ran over to where Phineas was. My mom got out of the car (she was in the back with Phin, trying to calm him down because he had been fussy in the car) and I apparently fainted into her arms. I couldn't bear the thought of anything bad happening to my little boy. It was like my worst nightmare coming true! Luckily my mom was there!

Luckily, he was alright. The jolt and mayhem of everything was exactly what he needed to fall asleep! It scared me because I thought something bad had happened. He was O-U-T. Next thing I know, I'm back in the driver's seat, clenching the steering wheel, white knuckled and an EMT is asking me to slow down my breathing. Another EMT was checking on Phineas and I was yelling at him, "Is my baby okay? Is he alright?!" He reassured me a thousand times, and commented on how handsome Phin was. In fact, everyone involved kept saying how beautiful he was.

Amidst everything that happened, Phineas had a wet diaper and was screaming. I had to nurse him in the backseat of the car with everyone opening the door a billion times and officers getting statements from me and asking my address, info, etc. I think all of Orem has now seen my chest. I was in so much pain, I just didn't know it yet. I was still running on adrenaline from the accident, I didn't know where I hurt.

The guy that hit us was just a college kid. His car was totaled. I mean, completely gone. Our car is pretty badly damaged, but we don't know how bad just yet because we haven't been able to take it in. When the guy heard there was a baby in the car, he broke down. I've never seen someone sob so hard. As upset as I was, I had to put myself in his shoes. I would be broken too if I thought I could have killed a little baby. I asked him what happened and he told me that his brakes just didn't work. Not that they locked up, they just didn't work. He had been in an accident only 2 weeks before and his car was having lots of troubles since then. (Man, that kid had it rough! And it was finals week at school. Poor guy.) I really did feel bad for him.

It was quite the scary experience. We are grateful that we remained relatively unscathed, although pretty shaken up about it.

I am grateful for carseats. It saved my baby's life!
And I'm grateful that I still get to see this face every single day. I hold him much tighter now.
I think the worst part about this whole thing is that after my CT scan, they told me I couldn't breastfeed for about 8 hours because of the contrastive dye. I had to pump and discard my milk and give Phin formula. When they told me that at the hospital, I completely broke down. It seemed like the worst news ever. That night, Travis gave Phineas a few bottles of formula and I couldn't even watch. I felt completely useless. Phin had a hard time adjusting back to nursing but got the hang of it after a few tries.

We are doing well. I am reeeeeally sore and we are a little shaken but we are ok. Phin does seem a little more jumpy lately but that could be the colic. I guess I'll never know.

I have so much to be grateful for. I'm glad my mom was in the back seat with Phin. When I said that we were going to get hit, she steadied Phineas's head. I'm grateful that we didn't get sandwiched between the car in front of us, and I'm so grateful for the wonderful ladies that pulled over to help and make sure we were okay. They were the only ones that did. I swear if I ever hear or see an accident I will stop. Everyone thinks, "It's not that bad," or "someone else will stop" but sometimes, no one does. I'm grateful for those little angels on earth and also the ones in heaven that watched over us.

I am upset about how much we have to deal with now and all the aftermath. At first I was really angry. I am mad this happened when I am already in such a vulnerable state after just having a baby, and that baby has colic, and a whoooole bunch of other things going on (I won't bore you with the drama of it). I don't know why it happened, but it did. I can't let myself be bitter about it because it doesn't change anything. The matter of fact is that we are alive, unhurt and we get to keep on going. We are definitely in survival mode right now and while I would much rather be in "thriving" mode, this is the best we can do.

I kick myself for saying, "Well, this must be as bad as it gets, because things couldn't be worse." Don't ever say that. It can and will get worse if you aren't grateful. That's the lesson I had to learn. So I will just take my trials as they come and be glad it isn't worse. I know from experience now that things can turn sour super fast.

I'm no Polyanna by any means, but I'll definitely be counting my blessings and holding those I love tighter and express my love more often. And playing the "glad game" doesn't hurt, either.

Anyway that's our little story. The six week peak for us was more like the six week mountain. But we're climbing that mountain. We are doing it! There's so much to enjoy along the way, I just needed my eyes to be opened so I could see it.

a nakey baby

Dark circles under my eyes, pale skin and desperately in need of a haircut...
yet I am still so happy and in love with this little guy.

Everyone loves a nakey baby, right? I know I do, and Phineas is so darling! I love his long, skinny little body. We are just obsessed with him! We can't get enough. The title and these pictures was just to get your attention. I really just wanted to update ya'll and share some thoughts.

Phineas is a little over one month and doing great. He is gaining weight and so strong! He almost has full control of his head and can roll over on occasion. (Definitely never leaving him on the changing table alone!)

I have learned so much in the short month of Phineas' life so far. He has colic (frown) and I have had quite the hard time learning how to deal with it. I've read lots of books and some books say it's all the mom's fault (insecurities, inconsistencies, diet, nervousness, etc) and other books say it is a total fluke. Some say it's due to tummy troubles or allergies, but who really knows? All I know is that my baby cries and as much as I try to console him, it just won't work.

Most people say that it's just a waiting game, and that babies usually grow out of it around 3 months. We've got one down and two to go!

I've learned that as much as I try, I'm just not going to have control. It's a great lesson for me to learn that my son is going to do things and make choices in this life that have nothing to do with me. Granted, I am responsible for teaching him good principles and qualities that will sustain him throughout his life, but there are going to be times when I will just have to throw my hands in the air and let him go. He is his own person and has been from the moment he was born. I'm not gonna lie, it's been tough to accept that fact. I enjoyed being pregnant and being "one" with him. But there will be times when he pushes me away and wants to have nothing to do with me!

So, because everyone is telling me that this goes by so fast, I've decided to enjoy it. All of it... Including his cries for help and those times when he seems to be in pain. I've learned to mimic his life in the womb and that seems to be helping. I love when he follows my movements around the room with his gaze, and watching how fast he is developing. He is learning to smile when he is awake but mostly he smiles when he is asleep, and I've even caught him giggling!

I am enjoying breastfeeding and I see the benefits for myself and mostly for Phin. He gets so much comfort and warmth from it and those moments when I get him all to myself are so special. My mom calls it the "magic time" and I am beginning to understand just how truly special it is. It's my time when I can reflect and ponder my life. I try to not read or play on my phone or look at blogs/facebook/online shopping...etc when I am nursing, but instead I study every inch of Phineas' face and little body. I have so much love for him and I would do anything for him! I would be crushed if anything bad ever happened to him.

Truth be told, motherhood is SO hard. I kinda assumed that because I did HypnoBirthing and everything went so smoothly during birth, that motherhood would come as naturally to me as birthing. (Travis says I should come up with a curriculum and affirmations for HypnoMothering to help new moms get through the first few months. It sure would help me out!) I also felt that I should have a perfect little newborn because I did everything "right" and I deserved it. I could not have been more wrong! Sometimes things just happen and it's not our fault or due to choices we made previously, and we sure as heck aren't being punished.

Phineas is our guinea pig for sure, poor guy! He has peed and pooped through more diapers and outfits than I can count, due to my lousy diapering skills. I've made more mistakes than successes, but we are making progress. I can change a diaper in my sleep now and not make a mess. I am learning how to comfort Phin, and learning to decipher what he needs and when. We are also seeing patterns in his sleeping/feeding and he's starting to become a little more predictable.

All of that being said, I'm realizing that motherhood is supposed to be hard. We have heard over and over that motherhood is a partnership with God and that it is the most divine calling a woman can have. I've concluded that if motherhood was easy, it wouldn't be divine. It HAS to be hard for us to earn the title of divinity. During this holiday season I have thought so much about what Jesus Christ has done for us. He is a Divine Being and even though He was divine from the very beginning, he lived up to the title by His entire life and ultimately atoning for our sins. I am not saying that what I am doing is even at ALL of the same magnitude of what Christ did for us, but simply comparing the title of divinity. (Is that wrong to do? I hope I'm not downplaying His life...) Therefore, I need to live up to the title of divinity by doing the hard things, and enduring it well. It's not enough for me to go through the motions without being happy about it, right?!

I am thankful that this is difficult for me. I am learning so much. I honestly feel like I'm back in school! I research like crazy. I read books about breastfeeding, sleeping and child-rearing. But the difference between college and this, is that everything I am learning can be applied instantly. So I tell people I am eternally enrolled in a new school; the university of motherhood. Just like college, there will be crunch times, loosing sleep, forgetting to eat, times for research, and "progress reports". There will also be times of joy as I make new friends, expand my knowledge, and learn to cherish the little things that make me happy, like when Phineas smiles with his tongue sticking out. (CUTEST thing in the world!!) Phineas is my new teacher and he's the best one out there!

As my precious baby lays here next to me softly snoring and sleeping away, I cannot express enough how grateful I am that he is here, that he is healthy, and that he is ours. I love him more than anything in the world and I am so excited to be a mom. Even though it doesn't come as naturally to me as I thought it would, I am still enjoying it. As they sing in Tangled, "Mother knows best," right?? :)

And just so you can see what I mean, here is the tail end of one of those precious smiles he produces while sleeping. I tried to get the full smile but my camera was too slow! He's still so darling though, I could just gobble him up!!

same shirt

Here you see the belly...


...now you don't.


I can't believe this shirt fit me when I was nine months pregnant. And it didn't stretch out.

Is it totally weird to say that I kinda miss the belly? Maybe not how it made me uncomfortable, but the little kicks and prods... I miss them. I was a little cute pregnant, no?

Now I have a leftover pooch, my two stretch marks and my linea negra is still there. DEF not as cute as a pregnant belly. Can't WAIT til I can exercise again.

a happy thanksgiving

We had a great Thanksgiving weekend last week. Travis didn't have work on Thursday or Friday so it was awesome to have his help, and I desperately needed it!

We had Thanksgiving at my parent's house this year. It was fun and relaxing.

As with each previous year, I always feel like I have so much to be grateful for. But this year, it's obvious that I seriously have a ton to be grateful for. To name the big ones:
-getting pregnant
-staying pregnant
-having an amazing birth
-birthing a beautiful healthy boy
-a super fantastic husband who helps out when I need him most and never complains. He is the best dad ever, and all I could ask for in a spouse.

Anyway, here are some pictures from Thanksgiving!

Pat and Liz like to think Phin is their baby. But at the end of the day, guess who he comes home with? :)

Phin LOVES to sleep on Aunt Lizzie. She is so great with him.
One of our favorite faces Phineas makes.



It's wierd to think that I am a mom. I totally feel the responsibility of taking care of this precious baby and I know he's mine, but I don't really feel like a mom.
Proud grandparents
Happy grandma. She hadn't seen Phin for like a week! She missed him and was happy to see him again.
Our Christmas gift. All we could have ever hoped for! No need for gifts this year, we already have what we wanted!
My boys
Our little family
Like I said, I have lots to be grateful for. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving as well!

newborn photoshoot

We had newborn pictures taken of Phineas tonight and they turned out great. He was a trooper! He wouldn't sleep at all, so we couldn't put him in the positions that we wanted to, but we got some great ones of his eyes wide open and lookin super darling. :) Our little guy is so precious!!

Anyway, here are some of our favorites.

the many faces of phineas

Well, we have survived the first 2 weeks of life for Phineas! It's been a challenge but also fun to figure things out as we learn more about each other. He is feeding well! He weighs 9 lbs 8 ounces. Apparently my scale at home is a little off. It says he is 10 lbs. Maybe it rounds up?

Anyway we are obsessed with this little guy. He makes the sweetest and funniest faces. Here are a few! :)

Cute little hat that Aunt Denise made. It's so darling on him. Thank you!!

I think Phineas looks a little like me in this picture. He is a total mix between Trav and me, but this picture shows that he's got my chin.


Smiling while asleep... yep. That's gas.
This picture below is my FAVORITE of all his faces. It is so funny!

Tummy time! He doesn't love it all that much.




First car ride! Travis took him to the library.
And... me. I'm wearing my normal jeans, pre-pregnancy!!! :) I was so happy about this.