Keith’s Blog

Here I sit in the third week of July, and because of trainings, meetings, etc. it is my last full week off before school resumes. To folks who get two weeks of vacation a year, my summer off already seems obscene, I know. But part of the motivation for teachers to stay in the profession is the extended vacation time. It helps us balance out in our minds the pay discrepency with other highly trained professionals… that idea of I only work 187 contract days a year. Of course, that doesn’t include all the work I bring home, which can take up hours at night, or a half day or more on a weekend. Or all the functions I attend in order to make comnections with students. But that is what I signed up for, so I am not complaining. I am just wondering where the time has gone. It has disappeared so quickly!!

I had a great vacation trip with Ken, Katherine & Shawn. People underrate trips with family! It was a lot of fun!

So now I start thinking about the challenges of a new school year, and hope that I am ready and refreshed, and up for another new course prep.

Now if we could just get rid of all this hot weather…

Karen, we will always love you. We miss you terribly, and you are never far from our thoughts.

Thank you for teaching us about life and love.

Well, the last time I posted was June, and now its the end of the year. So why has it been six months since I wrote anything? That is the question I have asked myself a few times during the last six months. The answer lies in several reasons.

For one, the fall has been extremely busy. A new course, new textbooks, revised curriculum, new responsibilities, and school politics all have combined to make my evenings often full of school work. It’s been years since I have had to work so much at night after putting in a long day. So writing has been much lower on my list.

Then there have been other projects… the occasional podcast, recordings with Kayla, and then the Christmas album… that was both fun and time consuming!!  So those other avenues provided me new ways to vent and express myself. I have found that I am only capable of keeping a limited number of balls in the air at one time. Juggling is not one of my talents! So again, writing post was pushed to the back burner.

Also, and this may be the biggest reason, there has been a little more peace in my… heart, soul, inner being…. one of those; I am not sure which one is the correct term. All of the ups and downs of life in the past 2 – 3  years had caused considerable turmoil in our lives. Starting back in the fall, Shawn and I made considerable efforts to find that peace in our hearts, in our lives. We knew we needed to find some of that peace even if the turmoil remainded. We have focused on that, and for the most part it has worked. So with much less time to do things this fall, I have spent that time doing other things. That has been good for me. More peace, less angst. I often blogged either to vent, or often to do just the opposite, to find some good in a moment that was otherwise surrounded by not so good stuff. I haven’t needed to search and remind myself of the good stuff the past few months… they have been around and obvious and I have been enjoying them. For me, that is a really good thing.

Plus it wasn’t like I was blogging every day. It was an occasional thing at best. So interupt a few of those with other things, and before you know months have passed.  

So I will continue to blog when the spirit moves, and I am really glad that no one is hanging on waiting for the next post. Who knows when it will be. The blog-o-sphere doesn’t need me, and I don’t really need it, but when those moments pop up, I’ll write. Likely no one will be there to read it. And that’s really okay… when I write it is mostly for me, when people read it that’s just a little bonus!

If you did make it to here, then I do want to wish you a Very Amazing 2008. I hope you find great things to do this year. Enjoy your day, your week, and your year!

The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. The ups have been really big!

A couple of weeks ago, I had the privledge of accompanying Ryan to Freshman orientation for college. It was a very special time for me. While we were only there for a couple of days, I enjoyed the opportunity to spend extended time with Ryan, and experience the first step in this new chapter in his life with him. I was proud to be his dad and to be there with him. I reveled in the happiness & excitement that he felt about the challenges of college life.  

This week, Kayla spent several days with us. During this time, we did a little recording and producing on a song she had written, and the result was the track entitled Lost In Translation. We had so much fun working on that little project together! I was impressed with Kayla’s work, and her talent, and was very pleased with our finished product. Again, I found myself feeling like a very proud dad. As she glowed with each compliment or positive feedback from family who heard the song, I basked in her joy.

Those two opportunities were moments in my life that I believe I will remember forever. In the course of a couple of weeks, I was able to be an active participant in an important moment in each of my children’s lives. Over the past 19 years, I have learned that as each year passes, your role as a parent become less of participant and more of a spectator and commentator. (We know how much kids love lectures from their parents!) As my children are now becoming adults, the relationships change yet again, but the amount of joy, the proud feelings, and the impact they have on my life continues to be huge.

During the past couple of months, I have also been lucky enough to get to spend a lot of time with Mom & Dad. I have seen them several times each week. I am thankful that I enjoy my parents company; that spending time with them is fun, stimulating, fulfilling, and relaxing all at the same time.

The good parts are wonderful. My wonderful niece Meredith writes everyday about the good things that happen in her life. She is a much better person than me!!! I admire her efforts to focus on things in a way that she feels makes her life better. I, on the other hand, am doing good if I write here once a month. I don’t always focus on the good. In the past few weeks, the bad has been very real, and very insisitent in seeking its own portion of my attention. It succeeds. But you don’t have to hear about it in this post. We will save that for another time. Tonight, I follow my niece’s example and celebrate these good things I have shared.

These three things are really, really good. Great parts of life. Wonderful blessings. I celebrate them. I celebrate family. Those that you love and those that love you. The other stuff… it’s just the part of life that gets in the way. Work is the stuff I do so that I can enjoy my family during the other times. Here’s to three good recent things!!

One year ago today, my family took another hit. We lost my sister Karen to the cancer that seemed intent on doing as much damage as possible before it took her. That day, along with the weeks that led up to it, are still uncomfortably fresh in my mind. The year long journey that brought her to that day was full of downs and more downs, but relatively few ups. 

It made little sense then. It still makes little sense. There is no greater good, no silver lining. I would love to explain it away. But hollow platitudes don’t explain it. It is just sadness and loss.

My own personal favorite (please detect heavy sarcasm)… “at least she’s not suffering anymore.” Karen’s life was a phD study in personal suffering. She knew what it meant to feel sadness, pain, suffering, illness, betrayal, despair, hopelessness, and loss. As overwhelming as some of the events in her life were, she struggled and fought as hard as a person could to overcome them. She fought to live her life. She fought because she loved her daughters and her family. She fought because she loved life. Not what life had given her or done to her (she hated a lot of that stuff) but life itself. In the process, she changed the lives of others. She helped people, she supported people, she changed people’s lives. She did little things, and big things. She never asked for recognition, and she never asked for anything in return. She gave when she had nothing, and she gave when she had a lot. She was a role model. She was human, flawed, and damaged. She was wonderful, smart and caring. She was my sister.

As much as she loved living, she died with so much grace. Looking back on it, it was vintage Karen. She spent her last weeks worrying about everyone else. She was at peace with herself; with how hard she had to tried to live life well; with death, and life after death. She was at peace with her faith. But she worried about our well being, about us being taken care of, until her last hours. Vintage Karen.

During the past year my family has tried to figure out how to deal with another tragic loss. We coped in different ways. Keep a routine, or change it completely? Remember, or try to forget? Stay close, or get away? Enjoy an old tradition, or start a new one? Cry everyday, or every other day?

So how did that work out? I think it probably was different for each person. For some the old, familiar, comfortable things were better. For others, new things helped start a new chapter. For me personally, it was more like wrapping paper. Different papers might give you a different initial feeling or first impression, but when you open the box, it still contains the same thing.

I will mark the next few days in my head, and the events that the days on the calendar mirror from a year ago. Then I will try to put all that away in a box in my memories, and move on. Karen would have understood the efforts to change things, or keep them the same. She would have understood the feelings of not being able to move forward, as well as the need to close the chapter and move on. She would understand us not being able to talk about her because its too upsetting. She would understand that it is too upsetting not to talk about her. She would understand it all, because she experienced it all.

This week will bring a end to a year of “first without Karen.” I am hopeful that the “seconds” are less painful than the firsts. There is so much good Karen stuff to remember and talk about. So much healing to be done.

My sister Karol said it the best on the family blog yesterday, and did so with only 4 words. “I miss you Karen!” It has taken me a lot more words to say the same thing.

I recently discovered a website that offers weather information in a simple form that I find very useable – it’s called SimpleWeather.  Simply enter your zipcode, and you will be presented with basic info in an easy to read format. Try it!

Of course, every birthday of someone you love is a day to celebrate and a day to be thankful. I’ve had several this month, as Dad, Kayla, and Jason have all had birthdays in May.

Today is an extra special one, because it is the birthday of my wife. Shawn made a promise to love me through all life had to offer (or all life throws at you, depending on your perspective) when we married. She has been true to that promise, choosing to love me through each day and each trial. Our lives have not been easy since we married: family illnesses, crisis, death, personal illness, being kicked out of your home, moving to a new city, job loss, extended unemployment, family tensions, and suing exes are just some of the things that we have had to cope with since the “I Do’s”. Then you have the everyday learning to live with someone when you are 40+ and set-in your ways, and suddenly you feel like life has emptied its storage building and is throwing everything at you. My wife has not always liked me through all of those things, but she has always loved me. For that I will be eternally thankful.

So today I celebrate my Beloved Wife on her birthday. Shawn, I hope your birthday today is wonderful, and the next year brings you only joy.

“For the memories of yesterday, for the happiness of today, for the promise of all our tomorrows… I love you!”

Keith

Today, May 18, my wonderful daughter Kayla is celebrating her 17th birthday. In another week or so, she will be a senior in high school! Wow.

Throughout her life, Kayla has found a way to light-up the world around her. Her personality is unique and wonderful. She is always full of life, love and emotion. Kayla’s presence ensures that there will be energy and life where ever she goes. She is like the proverbial light in the darkness. When Kayla is happy, which is most of the time, she lightens up your life just by being close by. Her laugh and joy are infectious. In those moments when she is sad, her passion and honesty come through in such a way that I feel inspired even in the midst of the sad moment she is experiencing.

Kayla is a joy to be around, and I miss terribly not getting to see her each day. It has been one of the sadest parts of my life the last few years, not having her and Ryan in my daily life. Sometimes I look upstairs and wish I could hear her playing the guitar and singing from her heart. I could listen to that all day. Yet I treasure those moments and days that we spend together. Each one becomes a priceless memory.

I still remember Kayla as a little girl. She was so delicate, and so cuddly. With her big smile, and desire to be held and curl up in my arms with her head on my chest, she made me feel so blessed, so lucky, and like I had accomplished something great. Now she is so all grown up, mature, and beautiful, with this stunning personality. Being with her still makes me feel great.

She brought joy into her family then, and she brings joy into her family now. I guess some things never change. I am so proud of the remarkable young woman she has become. She seldom gives herself enough credit, and I don’t think she realizes how amazing she really is. She is one of my heroes. Happy birthday to my darling little princess Kayla. I love you!

This afternoon at our complex at terrible event happened. A plumbing company was attempting a repair in a 15 foot deep trench that they had dug, and the trench collapsed. In spite a huge effort, they were not able to rescue the man, and he has died. At the time of this writing, a little past 11:30 pm, they have still not been able to recover his body.

When I arrived home this afternoon, the rescue effort was underway, and the news crews had just begun to get word, and a helicopter was circling the area, unsuccessfully trying to locate the scene. Within the hour, there were three news helicopters, and a TV truck, and they had all zoomed in. I couldn’t shake the feeling of how they seemed like vultures circling their prize. It was such a sad situation, and their low circling, hovering and watching so they could have a 30 second story on the news emphasized how local news has nothing to do with “serving the public” but has a lot to do with sensationalism. It also emphasized how we as the “public” accept this stuff, and often go searching for it.

Coming on the heals of the Virginia Tech tragedy, I found it easy to understand why the families of the victims rufused to go on NBC after they showed the killers tape/manifesto. The families felt betrayed and offended that the killer got more attention than the victims. That his violent and pathetic diatribe was given air space. But as NBC said, it was news. And they were right… it was news. But was it necessary? Did it help the public?

How much information do we really need to know about every situation. Why does the media immediately start looking for someone or something to blame rather than the obvious? I was amazed how quickly reporters begin to make the story about the university not shutting down the school before the second set of shootings. The responsibility for the gutless actions of the killer was his alone. Don’t blame the school, or his grade school classmates, or anyone other than him. But there is so much for the news orginzations to gain if they can spin the news, to create stories within the story, so they can milk it for all its worth. If the news and reporters could be a little less “in your face.” If they could be a little more sensitive. If they could be a little more human.

Ok, enough for this rant. It was a sad evening. I am reminded, as my family has experienced in the past, that tragedy could be only a moment away. Try not to waste any moments. We just never know how many more we have…

Newsweek recently hosted a conversation between Christian Pastor Rick Warren and atheist Sam Harris, which I mentioned on the podcast. Here’s the link if you would like to read the exchange.

I have podcasted and written on the subject elsewhere, but I would feel amiss if I didn’t mention it here as well. Today Shawn and I celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary! I am so thankful for my wonderful wife, who restores balance to my world each day. She blesses me in such wonderful ways. While life is sometimes turbulant, so has the amazing and unique ability to bring peace and hope into my life, all wrapped up in love.

Thank you wonderful wife for being mine. I am extremely thankful for you. I love you so much!!

Time off is a great thing. I have really enjoyed my week of vacation. I think I am rejuvinated enough to make it until my next vacation now!! Woo hoo!! Of course, every time I look out my living room windows or my bedroom window I see the results of some of the effort that I put in during this week of vacation. Those tangible results are great reminders how productive my vacation was, and how much I enjoyed it!

Special thanks to Dad for spending three days over here helping get so much done, and to Ryan for a whole day of heavy lifting, digging, and planting.

We all know that feeling… you don’t feel good, and you want that special thing to eat… that thing that makes you feel better just by thinking about it. That one food that makes it all seem a little better.

For me, when I’m feeling under the weather, it’s Shawn’s cinnamon toast. The whole house smells so good, and she cuts it up into little triangles for me. I feel pampered and comforted at the same time. So what’s your food?

The cynic will tell you that Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark, florists, and candy makers invention to help pick up spending by consumers post Christmas each year. While I certainly believe that commercialism has attempted to ruin just about every holiday, I do know that it never hurts to have an opportunity to tell someone you love them. Us men folk have learned that a woman always appreciates being told these loving tidings as often as possible, and that any public announcement of your devotion, such as flowers to the office, will be appreciated by most, even if they down play it.

We all enjoy being told that we are loved, appreciated, cared for, important, or special to someone. I have also found that flowers are much cheaper in March and April! 🙂 When they are not expected, the reaction is usually very positive!

As Ken said in his Valentine’s Day wish to Katherine, “every day is Valentine’s Day for my bride.” Here’s to making every day a little more like a holiday for the people we love!