I watched, humbled by the the solemnity of the mourners filing past a flaming pyre as the soul of a lifeless body departed for paradise.
Remains were scattered in the flowing muddy water amid swirling petals and scraps of yellow fabric.
The end.
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My piece was inspired by an incident I witnessed whilst walking along a river bank in Nepal. It seemed disrespectful to take photographs at the time, so I took this one after the funeral was over.
“Sorry I’m late”, said Babs as she entered The Baaamy Inn, “I needed to check on the sheep because the lambing season’s about to kick off, you wouldn’t believe how many ewes are up the duff; a lovely lady called Linda’s going to help me this year, she used to work in the maternity ward at the hospital and she’s delivered hundreds of babies, but she had a midwife crisis and decided to change careers, she fancied giving me a hand just for old time’s sake!”
“A girl applied for a job on my farm once”, said Arthur, “I thought I’d start by checking her animal recognition skills; I took her to the paddock and asked which ones were ones sheep and which ones were goats, then to the chicken shed and asked which were hens and which ones were roosters, then up to the top field, well, she asked me why all of the cows except one had horns so I said ‘some are born with horns and some not, some lose their horns and some have them removed, and by the way, that’s a horse’ ”.
Over at the knitting circle Polly was putting the finishing touches to a black and white check jumper, “it’s for my son, he’s taking part in the chess championships and I thought he might like to wear something approproiate; he gets his love of chess from his grandad, after he died we went through his things and as well as his beloved chess set we found a draughts board, scrabble, snakes and ladders and several crossword puzzle books – we had no idea he had such a checkered past!”.
“Talking of checks”, said George, “my missus went for a check up with the doctor yesterday, he told her she had the body of a twenty year old; I asked her what he said about her fat ass, and she said ‘he didn’t mention your name’, bloody cheek! – ”OY” yelled Landlord Len, “watch your language!”
“A group of chess players checked into a hotel in readiness for a tournament”, said Colin the Comic, “they were in the lobby discusing their recent victories when the manager asked them to disperse because he didn’t want chess nuts boasting in an open foyer – if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep you get two animals that are in a baaaad moooood – a flock tumbling down a hill is a lambslide – a really fast sheep is a lamb-orghini – I crossed a sheep with a kangaroo to make a wooly jumper – in December, chickens celebrate eggs-mas – a cat swallowed a ball of wool and had mittens – I asked my wife to check if my car’s indicators were working and she said yes, no, yes, no, yes, no – checking obituaries first thing is my mourning routine – a man was standing on one leg in a bank, he was checking his balance……”
Earlier in the day Len checked out the pub’s insurance policy; he‘s not one for making up jokes, but as he climbed into bed he looked across to where his his long lost Maggie used to lay and said, “apparently if our duvet’s stolen in the middle of the night, we’re not covered!” – he was sure he heard her chuckle!.
Horoscope. What an odd word. If you didn’t know better you’d imagine it was a forecast of horrible things that were about to happen! However, it’s the first page I turn to in my newspaper hoping what I’ll actually find is a Hapiscope!
I have a mental checklist of things I look for.
Luck. I’ve never been a particularly lucky person, so it makes my day if I’m told my luck is about to change!
Money. Am I about to win on the Lotto? Surely, it’s just a matter of time.
Courage. Sometimes I’m told to be brave, bold, to go for it! So go for it I do!
Love and Passion. I’ve had my fair share in the past without much success. If it predicts I’m about to have another shot at it, I admit to feeling a little apprehensive!
Happiness. That’s the most important one for me. It comes, it goes. But if happiness is predicted, my day becomes a happier one even if nothing happy happens!
Having said all that, my horoscope is more often wrong than right!
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Next I head for the crossword.
One across, star sign predictions, nine letters…..
Arthur entered The Baaamy Inn followed by a gust of icy air, “blimey it’s cold today, the pond on the green’s frozen solid, I remember when we were kids we used to slide around on it but today they are not allowed to have fun like we used to; I saw young Tommy crouched at the edge tapping the ice with a stone, I asked what he was doing and said he was making a hole so the fish could breath!”
Over at the knitting circle, Natalie’s fellow knitwits were intrigued by what she was making; “it’s a wooly string vest for my husband”, she said, “when I told him about it he asked if I could make him a fishing net, I said I wouldn’t know how to and he said, ‘easy, you just stitch a load of holes together’!”
I treated myself to some fish and chips from The Happy Plaice t’other day”, said Babs, “they used to wrap your meal in newspaper, ‘today’s news is tomorrows fish and chip paper,’ they used to say; I remember hearing about a guy who saw an article in his wrapper about an unclaimed Lotto prize worth a fortune and suddenly realised it was his, well, the next day an ex-girlfriend of his saw a picture of him in her chippie wrapper and he was holding a huge cheque – now they are a happy wealthy couple!
On the other side of the village is The Fish Inn, you may recall me telling you about Geoff who likes a sneaky drink, so when his wife asks where he’s going he grabs his rod and tackle and says ‘fishin’, anyway, despite being in competition with one another, Landlord Len and Publican Pete are quite good friends and now again they have an ‘eat-each-other’s’ night when they swap chefs for the evening; tomorrow the Baaarmies will be enjoying Pete’s fabulous fish pie, and the Fishers, Len’s luscious lamb hotpot!
Colin was wound up and ready to go, “fish keep their money in a river bank”, he said, “a fish blushed because it saw the pond’s bottom – long time no sea, said one dried fish to the other dried fish – sturgeons work in fish hospitals – a squashed crab is a crushedacean – a greedy cab is shellfish – a fish with no eyes is a fsh – fishes are clever because they swim in schools – goldfishes have holidays around the globe – dam said the fish when it swam into a wall – a fishes favourite movie is The Codfather…….”
Several years ago when Len’s dear Maggie had but a few weeks of her precious life remaining, they bought a pair of koi carps for the pub’s pond, the larger one they called Loi, and the smaller one Moi; often when Len wanders over to look at them, Moi suddenly hides behind a lily leaf; “why do you do that?” he once asked, “because I’m a little coy”, he heard Maggie say!
