Another year, another month, another From the North bloggerisationism update.
... and. additionally, another thoroughly satisfying luncheonette with Keith Telly Topping's close, personal fiend, Young Malcolm in Toon at The Keel Row (after an extended session window-shopping for DVDs in HMV). With another chicken tikka masala and chips (the luncheonette, that is, not the window-shopping for DVDs in HMV, just to be clear on the matter).
It's the simple things that matter the most, dear blog fiends. Thus, let us kick-off this latest From The North bloggerisationism thingy with this week's 'Makes You Think, Dunnit?' entry, number the first (of several).
Makes you think, dunnit? Next up, let us have a very timely word from this bloggerisation's beloved sponsor.
Thank you kindly, beloved sponsor. Following that, yer actual blogger supposes, it's just about high time for From The North's 'Makes You Think, Dunnit?' part the second.
Makes you think, dunnit? And bring back that spoon, if you so please. So, dearest bloggersiationism fiends, that there 2025 is, now all but a dim and distant memory. And good riddance to bad rubbish, frankly.
This blogger reckons we'd better have an introductory word from that there 2026. Pull up a chair and sing us a song, if you so please.
Very good. What about an encore?
Well, that's quite enough of such crass frippery and flibbertygibbit-like jiggery-pokery and no mistake. Let's get this very bloggerisationism back rightly on track with a few important parish notices. As promised in the last From The North bloggerisationism update, the third part of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's A Vault of Horror tetralogy, Bride of A Vault of Horror: A Study of Seventy Two Great* British** Films of 'Mystery & Suspense' (1933 to 1986) (* And Not So Great) (** Plus two French, three Italian and one Spanish) has, indeed, now been thoroughly completed and was delivered to this blogger's delightful (and delighted) publishers on 30 December exactly twenty seven hours before the delivery deadline as stipulated in the contract. Which, this blogger confessed to his publishers at the time was just about the latest that he's ever delivered anything to anyone in his entire. Bar none.
The final reckoning of the very contents was as extremely follows: two hundred and ninety three thousand seven hundred and ninety two words; seventy eight films covered in Keith Telly Topping's own, usual idiosyncratic style, from The Ghoul to Gothic; four hundred and sixty five pages of Sexy Telly Topping goodness; two hundred and seventy six annotated footnotes; one Dedication; one set of Acknowledgements; one Introduction - Scream & Scream (Again); two small but beautifully formed mini-essays (The Deadly B's and It's a Fair Cop, Guv!); an extensive Bibliography and an About the Author piece (Mister Horrible's Stately Manor of Terror). The cover remains still provisional but this blogger, personally, think it's groovy as milk and is a definite keeper. And, as Keith Telly Topping is an internationally-respected best-selling author, it says here, you should all probably take his word for it. This blogger especially likes the mauve text. Cos y'can't be a good bit of that there purple, can you?
And that, bloggerisationism-fiends and lady-bloggerisationism-fiends, is how we do that. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping will now be having a nice lie down in a darkened room, in a warm bed with a bottle (hot water, not booze) and a towel over his head for the next couple of months to hibernate and recover his silt until he's ready to go again. It's been emotional.
Crass self-aggrandisement ends. For the time being, at least. Well, except, of course, to note once again that Keith Telly Topping believes that particular cover would look pure dead total sexy and just a little bit dangerous on all dear blog fiends' bookshelves. Perhaps alongside these bad boys.
Meanwhile, this blogger was, again, both delighted and more than a bit extremely delighted to discover that all three of those previous Telly Topping tomes were featured in the Telos top-ten best-sellers list for November. This blogger had always assumed it was only The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) who managed to get multiple works in a top ten at any given time. So, once again, a bigly-big massive thank you - from both yer actual and from David and Stephen at Telos - to everyone who bought A Vault of Horror, Return to the Vault of Horror and/or Island of Terror. Or, who is considering doing so. You're all splendid people and we love you the mostest, baby. Thank you, for allowing this blogger - and his books - into your homes.
All of which stuff and nonsense brings us, nicely, to From The North's latest 'Makes You Think, Dunnit?', part the third.
Makes you think, dunnit? Followed, perhaps almost inevitably, by 'Makes You Think, Dunnit?', part the very fourth.
Makes you think, dunnit? Added to which, whether you're a mother, or whether you're a brother, you simply have to agree with the following assessment, this blogger would argue.
There are, it has been suggested only two things worse than a whipping. Two whippings or, if you're so included and, ahem, 'into' that sort of thing, no whippings. Hope this helps, Madam.
Well, Susie, Joe wants and, this blogger believes, deserves an answer to this one.
Of course, once 2026 descended upon us, then we reached 3 January and this blogger supposed it was time, for once, to switch The Stately Telly Topping Manor heating on as it had turned 'a bit nippy' on The Estate.
That very week, as it happened, was the tenth anniversary of the unveiling of the finest artistic depiction of Modern Britain in all its magnificence and glory. Still a thing of awesome, terrifying, powerful beauty.
To which this blogger can merely observe the following.
It has also been reported that Dave, Mick and Pete weren't exactly thrilled with Ray's decision to abandon hunting pink in favour of a radically new image for the popular beat combo.
Meanwhile, this blogger sends all dear blog fiends thanks to Defector.com, for this extremely useful public service.
For those taking notes, this blogger's Christmas viewing (when he wasn't busy editing the third part of Keith Telly Topping's A Vault of Horror tetralogy, Bride of A Vault of Horror: A Study of Seventy Two Great* British** Films of 'Mystery & Suspense' (1933 to 1986) (* And Not So Great) (** Plus two French, three Italian and one Spanish)) included this one.
And, this one (David Warner's finest ninety four minutes).
And this (one of the few bits of actual, proper telly this blogger felt it necessary to view over the festive fortnight).
And this one (because, you know, nothing say Christmas like mass murder, Italian style).
And this one. Because ... well, no, to be honest, this blogger has absolutely no excuses in this particular regard. Just, because, all right.
The first part is, surely, bad enough but they fine you as well? Harsh.
There appears to be a market for everything these days, it would seem.
This purchaser certainly confirmed that he was well-satisfied.
Next, an important From The North public service announcement. Get in! Finally, one day of the year where yer actual Keith Telly Topping won't have to feel like an Üntermensch who struts and frets his hour upon the stage in the grand psychotic design of some mythical deity construct. But, by contrast, can at least pretend to be a functioning part of the human race. This will be a great day, dearest bloggersiationism fiends, a great day. And, to think, it's only four months away. Roll on the 21 May. Give me an excess of it.
After that, dear bloggerisationism fiends, a question which this blogger is sure we've all asked at one time or another in our respective lives.
And, speaking of things which, this blogger assumes, we've all wondered about from time to time ...
Remember, dear blog fiends, always think about the consequences before you ask a man your barely know to hit you, hard, with a live pig. You'll thank this blogger in the long run, trust me.
That sort of malarkey and shenanigans can lead to all manner of discombobulationism.
Who said no one has any time to help anyone with a problem these days?
This week's From The North question: Is this the most Florida thing you've ever heard in all the live long day?
That one raises almost as many unanswered questions in this blogger's mind as our old favourite -
Which leads us, as if by magic, into the latest from The North Headline Of The Year So Far awards. Could it be this, from BBC News (which used to be run by adults)?
No. Well, in that case, could it is this from the Leicester Mercury? Also reported by the Metro - so, not a real newspaper, then.
No. This it must, surely, be this, from the Glasgow Times?
No. Then, in that case, could it possibly be this, from the Derby Telegraph?
Nope (though, nice hats, guys). In which case please, for the love of God, let it be this, from Kent Online?
Nope (and, careful with that chain, bonny lad, you could have someone's eye out with that thing). Then, it must be this letter to the editor printed in The Irish Times.
Sadly not (if only because Karen might, actually, be giving the orange-face cretin and dictator notions). In which case, could it be this?
Nah. Then, is it this - frankly piss-poor - recreation of the Abbey Road cover from the Northumberland Gazette?
No it damn-well is not. You're all going the wrong way for a kick-off. Faux John, Ringo and George have no beards and faux Paul has his shoes on. A very shoddy effort, guys. And, in the end, try a bit harder next time you, ahem, come together.
That's more like it. So, could it be this piece of utter abject trivia from the Oxford Mail?
No. Then, it simply has to be our overseas entry from the New Zealand Post?
Well, what about this one, from the land for the orange and the home of the brave (if by 'brave' you mean an ability to threaten Greenland)?
Close, but no cigar (at least, whilst Greenland remains threatened). What about this, then?
No (he was 'let off', apparently). But, could it be this load old stinking horse diarrhoea from the Birmingham Mail. As they used to say on the title sequence of Hong Kong-Phooey, 'could be'. Pannarific!
And, finally ...
Goodnight, dearest bloggersiationism fiends. And, may your God go with you.
