Patience and Planning

I am not a very patient person. When I want something it's hard for me to wait. Really hard. A cute new outfit, food, something new for my house? I'm not one of those that can save and save until I have the money. I just don't have the patience to wait! Which I guess is what's wrong with our generation. I'm working on it. My latest experience just might be teaching me a lesson in patience.

In January we started trying for baby number five. I went back and forth about having a fifth for the last few years and finally decided that if I didn't have a fifth I would regret it in the future. So in February I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited that my body still worked and that I was having a baby in October (the perfect time).  I had planned that October would be the best month to have a baby. It would give me a long time to get my body back before summer (my other children are summer babies) and with cold weather coming in I wouldn't feel pressure to get out and do things. I could relax, stay home, and enjoy my baby. I was still unsure about having a fifth before I became pregnant but once I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled!

At about week 7 the nausea kicked in. My boobs were killing me (TMI?) . I was exhausted and just plain out of energy. I was feeling so lousy that I started telling more people around 9 weeks because I was sure that this was a legit pregnancy. Then I went to my 10 week ultrasound appointment.

Jody was really busy with work that week so I didn't bother him with coming. It's not as exciting to him now because he's seen a lot of ultrasounds. So I took Tate with me.  I was so nervous on my way to my dr.'s office.  More than anything I was worried that something would be wrong with the baby. That the ultrasound would reveal something other than a healthy baby. I said a little prayer before going in that this would be a healthy baby. I told HF that I just didn't know if I could handle taking care of a child with extra needs and still be a good mom to my other four children. My prayers may have been answered.

When I went into the ultrasound the technician went straight to my uterus. I could see my uterus but nothing else. She starting taking measurements and I started to feel uneasy. Then she zoomed in and I could see the little bean in my belly but I didn't see any movement or see any lights. I asked her if that was the baby and she said yes. Then she said, "Unfortunately there isn't a heartbeat. For the size of your uterus and the size of the baby there should be a heartbeat. You are measuring 10 weeks and the baby is measuring 8 weeks. I'm so sorry. This is the worst part of my job." I was in shock. I had not prepared myself for this. I was trying to grasp what was going on. Trying to hold it together in front of a complete stranger. Awkward. Meanwhile I looked down to see my sweet Tate rubbing my leg. He knew something was wrong. Then the technician left the room and I fell apart. She came in a few minutes later and gave me a hug and then took me to a room to speak to the doctor.

My doctor was out of town so I had to speak to two random people about everything. I had to wait for 45 minutes to see the other doctor in the office. Meanwhile couldn't get ahold of Jody or my mom. Sat there and cried while trying to keep Tate from playing with all of the Uterus' in the room. Finally the doctor came in to tell me what my choices were. 1. Let it happen naturally. Could take up to 6 weeks. No thank you. I'd like to get on with my life. 2. Have some medicine put on my cervix to make me basically go into labor. Many woman hemorrhage and end up in the ER. 3. Have a D&C in the hospital two days later.  I chose door number three and went home with papers to take to the hospital and two prescriptions, instead of cute ultrasound pictures to show my family and to post on our refrigerator.

I got into the car and bawled. All of my planning that worked out so perfectly was shot. No baby in October. I wouldn't be feeling movement in another month. I wouldn't be finding out what I was having at the end of May. It was all over and unfortunately my body had no idea. It was still sending me pregnancy signals. Although I was sad and depressed I knew that this was not a healthy baby. I knew I would get pregnant again. I would have another baby. But not on my time. I was feeling like an idiot for telling so many people about my pregnancy but then relieved because they would help me. I was sad to tell the kids.

I went home. I laid on my bed and cried some more. Then my husband came home and listened to me tell him about how it all happened and I watched as his eyes welled with tears. He was excited too. Later that day the older boys came home from school and I had to tell them. Ammon cried, Cohen was worried about me. Through it all he was always watching me and making sure I was okay. Cohen is not as sensitive as Ammon but he is very aware.

Some wonderful friends dropped a cute makeup tote filled with candy and bath items on my porch that night.. I couldn't believe how much that gesture meant to me. Then another friend brought me flowers. The night before my surgery someone brought over a plate of cinnamon rolls. After the surgery others brought meals, flowers, watched kids and brought food for our family. I can't believe how much it meant to me that people cared that much. That they realized the sadness I was going through and went out of their way to do something. I learned a lot from this experience. I will not sit back and do nothing when someone is going through a difficult time. The smallest gestures mean so much.

Possibly the most amazing people to step in were my mom and sister. My sister drove down from Fort Collins to go with me to the hospital the next day and my mom jumped on a plane after just returning from a different trip to be here to help me. I was overwhelmed with feelings of love from my family. Feeling loved by others helps ease the pain.

My surgery was two days after my appointment. I was really nervous but it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it could be. I had minimal pain and discomfort. I was home by 3 that afternoon and slept most of the day.

By Saturday I was able to go out with my mom to dinner. I was exhausted afterwards but it was good to get out. Jody had to go out of town Monday through Wednesday so I just had to move on and jump back into life. And for me that was the best therapy. I'm in a good place now. I'm anxious to be pregnant again and to hold a baby in my arms. Now I know without a doubt that I want to have a fifth. But I have to patient and wait for things to happen. Life doesn't always go according to our plans and that's okay because I know that I'm not in charge.

Going through this has reminded me once again about what is important and what matters most. I'm so thankful for my wonderful husband and for the friendship, love and care we share for each other. For my four beautiful children who I can hug and kiss when life is hard. Life moves too fast and I'm thankful for reminders from above that I need to slow down and enjoy this time more fully.

Rylee Roo Girl

I love this girl.  I really really do. She is funny, witty, silly, friendly, inquisitive, loving, girly, tom-boyish and dramatic. Rylee can get very upset and emotional but she is also quick to forgive and let go. She is very good at arguing and knows just what to say to push your buttons. The good thing is that Rylee has this whole other side to her. She is very sweet and very loving. She is often rubbing her dad's back and giving he and I many kisses and cuddles.

Rylee is in her last year of preschool this year. She absolutely loves going to school. She does well with structure and tasks that keep her busy. Each day she wakes up and asks what we are doing. If we have nothing planned she is bummed because she hates to be bored.  She has recently gotten very good at playing Temple Run on the ipad and has mastered each of her letters by sight.  Rylee works very hard at school but she has difficulty retaining the information she learns. So when we see her remember the things she is learning we all get very excited! She has also been working hard on the pronunciation of some words that she has always said differently. Lately we have been seeing lots of improvement and are so proud of her and she is extremely proud of herself!

Rylee started dance this year. She does a combo of ballet, gymnastics and tap. She thrives in dance and and soaks up every minute of it. Rylee is also a wonderful eater. She will eat almost anything and she always wants seconds and sometimes thirds! Despite her appetite she is a skinny little thing but is very tall for her age. At her last check up she was 82% in height. I never thought I would have a daughter on the tall side.

She does especially well in art and drama. She loves drawing and painting and is very good at playing make believe. Rylee also loves to help me in the kitchen and around the house. When I get ready to start dinner Rylee can be seen throwing her own apron on and asking what she can do to help. She also jumps at the chance to help empty the dishwasher or help me fold laundry. I hope that little trait lasts!

I love this little girl so so so much! Earlier years were very difficult with her but as the saying goes,"she gets sweeter with age."  There are times that I look at her and think she couldn't be more beautiful. She has this beautiful olive skin, perfect plump lips, and big brown eyes. And she is quite the girly-girl. After fixing her hair each morning she begs me to put makeup on her or to let her wear one of my necklaces. But she is also very outdoorsy. Rylee loves to ride her bike, dig in the dirt and be rough with the boys. She is perfect.

For her 5th birthday Rylee had a Tea Party. We invited her cute little girlfriends and ate heart shaped pb&j sandwiches, lemonade, fruit and cupcakes. She was adorable. When Rylee turned five she kept asking me if she had gotten taller and kept saying she felt bigger. It was a big deal for her to turn five. After her birthday she became obsessed with everyone's age. Asking perfect strangers how old they were. For Christmas Rylee wanted an American Girl Doll. Rylee doesn't take very good care of her things so we opted for the Target generic version and she was satisfied! Someday she will get the real thing. What a blessing it is to have daughter. A built in best friend and someone to do all of those fun girly things with. Each night we tell each how much we love each other and currently she loves me to China and back. What a sweet girl.

This last year we found out that Rylee needed glasses. She will wear them to school everyday but not at home. I'm trying to figure out how to get her to wear them all of the time. She is a fun and crazy little girl and she brings a lot of spunk into our home.

I just remembered a few more things about Rylee that I don't want to forget. She LOVES makeup! Every morning after we fix her hair she wants to put makeup on. And then when she's all done she says, "fashion" in her most fashionista voice! She also loves to cook and help out in the kitchen. When ever I start cooking dinner she grabs her apron and asks, "what can I do?" She's the cutest little helper!

London

This past Fall I finally made it out to London.  I had been trying to go for the last few years but each time I had to put it on hold for kids, money, or other trips.  Finally I told Jody I was going in the Fall and nothing would stop me! My kids were almost all in school full time or at least part of the day and there were no babies in the house so I needed to jump at the chance and go.

Lindsey has lived in London ever since she married Alan.  Jasper, their third baby was born in August and I was anxious to see him, see Lindsey's life and spend time with her kids without being interrupted by my own.  I flew out on a Friday and came home on a Sunday.

Lindsey and Alan were amazing hosts. Lindsey was still very sleep deprived but every morning she was up and ready to take me to see the city. She is quite an amazing tour guide.

We spent a few of our days touring the city. Lindsey, our mom and I went and did a three week tour of Europe in the Summer of 2001 with our grandparents. We started that tour in London. So I had been there before but it had been 11 years and I was anxious to see it again with more respect and maturity to appreciate it more completely.

Lindsey met me at the airport when I arrived Saturday morning. I can't even describe how fun it was to have her sneak up on me and surprise me with a apple juice and croissant in hand. We had been talking about and planning my vacation for months and to see her standing there was thrilling. We road the train to Paddington and then took the tube to her home. It was surreal to think that was her life. That my little sister lived in this big city getting around by way of tube, train and automobile (driving on the opposite side of the road). When we got off the tube we walked to her home. To say I love her neighborhood is an understatement. It's absolutely gorgeous. We went on a walk one evening around her neighborhood and I couldn't stop oohing and awing. I can see why she lives there.

Alan and Lindsey got me out right away when I first got there. It was midnight at my house and as hard as I tried I wasn't able to fall asleep on the flight over. Oh and speaking of the flight? It was empty! There were only 50 people on the plane. There were rows and rows of empty seats. It was amazing! The Phillips took me to the Eye of London that morning. Lindsey had free tickets through her blog. The kids loved it and it was great to see all of London. We were in the heart of Big Ben and Parliament.

We walked and took in the fresh air. I was feeling pretty good. Izzy warmed up to me right away and we became quick bff's. She was holding my hand and talking to me everywhere we went. I loved every minute of it! She is the wittiest 6 year old girl I know.  We took in St. Paul's Cathedral from afar and then went to lunch at a delicious restaurant called Vapiano. I started feeling a little tired at the point but Alan and Lindsey insisted we carry on! So we walked some more and ended up at Borough Market. The market was bustling but I loved it. The open markets, so much color, and delicious food. It was there that I tried my first bite of Salted Caramel Fudge and instantly was addicted. I miss it. :( We left the market dodging rain and headed back to the flat.  Then Lindsey took me to my first London grocery shopping trip at Waitrose. It was busy and the underground parking garage was a nightmare to park in but it was exciting! It was funny to see many American brand foods but in different packaging. And I loved the way her store packaged the produce. My favorite part was the candy aisle. Seeing all of the chocolate Lindsey always brought to my house was heavenly. I spent a lot of money on candy and chocolate. It filled my suitcase. I went to bed around nine o'clock that night and slept until 7. Because I stayed up that first day I never had a problem sleeping at night.

Sunday was a nice relaxing day of church and walks around the neighborhood. Monday we took the kids to school. Lindsey is able to get a lot of exercise living in London. She often walks the kids to school which isn't too far but far enough that you've got to plan your morning out well to be there on time. The walk to school was breathtaking. Beautiful homes.

The next few days we toured London. Lindsey showed me all of her favorite spots and shopping places. We ate delicious food at Gail's, had a fun afternoon tea, ate macaroon's at Laduree (I'm in love), had delicious crepes, loved Nando's chicken and fries, Jamie Oliver's Recipease and his small cafe at the outlets. Hmmm... what else Linds? All I know is that I ate a lot of good food. Plus Lindsey cooked some great meals as well.

I loved seeing the kids school. Baking with Isobel and meeting her friend Anushka (spelling?), seeing the silly side of Oliver and snuggling with Jasper. He was the best baby! We took him everywhere with us and he was amazing. Just ate and slept.

One of my favorite days was going to Blenheim Palace. Lindsey hadn't been and Alan suggested we go. It was a great suggestion and I was in awe the entire time. It was exactly what I expected an English Palace, in the country, to look like. After touring the palace we drove through the Cotswolds. That whole day was breathtaking. I loved every second and ate it all up! I can see why it's Lindsey and Alan's favorite place to go for the day. We enjoyed quaint shops and amazing countryside scenery. I can't wait to go again! It was dreamy. After the Cotswolds we stopped at the outlets to do a little shopping and then drove back to the city.

It makes me sad how quickly the whole trip went. When I think back to October it seems like ages ago! I had the greatest time with Lindsey and her family. I love that when I talk to her and she's out and about I can picture where she is and what she's doing.

London is such fun city full of history and culture. I can see why they call it home. Did I miss anything Linds?

Ammon

This kid is awesome. Always has been and hopefully always will be. He is has tender heart with a loving soul. Those of you who started reading my blog back when he was 3 years old will remember his wild imagination. He loved to dress up and get into character. Things haven't changed too much. He still loves to dress up and play make believe. He is nine and still believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny, tooth fairy and leprechauns. I think it's about time we have the talk.

Ammon loves to play sports. He is very quick which helps him play his favorite sport, soccer. He also loves basketball, football and baseball. Someday we will have to narrow it down to just a few. Ammon is very happy-go-lucky. It takes a lot to upset him. He is easily amused.  Ammon is a family man. He likes to be home doing things with his family. He loves both sets of his grandparents and his particularly close to his grandpa. They are two peas in a pod.

Ammon has a lot of friends at school. He plays with different kids every day. I love that about him. He can befriend anyone. He is very helpful with his siblings and responsible with his school work. He gets his homework done no questions asked and is a wonderful student. His teachers always love him.
He likes to sit back and take everything in and isn't the kid always raising his hand or offering answers, even though he may know them. He is a dreamer and a day-dreamer. He will be the first to tell you how he spaces out in class.

This year Ammon when through some testing to find out that he has a growth hormone deficiency. He had to do a series of blood work and CT scans to come to this conclusion. In September he started growth hormone treatment. This was Ammon decision and he was excited to do it because he hates being the shortest kid. He is very good about taking his shot. He always remembers and has even started giving it to himself every once in a while.

I'm so proud of the young man that Ammon is turning into. I often see him reading his scriptures at night and offering heart-felt prayers. It's hard to believe that in a few months he will be ten. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving son.

Tate!

How can one little person bring so much love and joy into a home? This little guy is adored by all of us.  He turned three this last September and had a great day. We met his best friend and cousin Ethan at Chuck E Cheese where they played games and ate Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Then we went to lunch and back home to celebrate with his family. Tate really wanted a basketball for his birthday so that's what he got! Plus a truck and some other random toys. He helped sing happy birthday to himself with the rest of us. Then we all ate cupcakes.

I cried for days when I found out I was pregnant with Tate. I was tired. I had three other children all two years apart and our third was particularly demanding. So I wasn't ready to have a fourth just yet. But Tate proved to be the dream baby

Tate is one of the funnest, happy go lucky kids I've met. He is always happy and when he gets mad it's just comical because it's so out of character. The other day he told me I was ruining his day. He loves his brothers and sister. He and Cohen have a special relationship. It's rare that Cohen ever gets mad at Tate and he will do anything for him! Recently he's gotten into dressing up. He loves to be Spiderman, Hulk, or Batman.  He really gets into character by lowering his voice. All of our kids have big imaginations and love to play pretend together. Of course the ring leader is Ammon.

Tate loves any and all sports. When the boys have their basketball games on Saturdays he suits up as if he's got a game too.  He can't wait to be able to play on a team. He still takes a nap everyday. We read a book before he goes to sleep. At night he is usually the last one asleep. He finds every excuse not to go to bed. He has to go to the bathroom, get a drink, give everyone a kiss - multiple times and then he is still up running around. He potty trained back in October and practically did it himself. He was just ready and super easy. He never even had to wear pull-ups to bed.

He thinks he's just as big as everyone else. We are at a great stage of life with our kids. They are all very independent which is usually good but sometimes can be messy. Tate is a love. He gives me hugs and kisses all day. The other day I was getting after him from wandering off at Walmart and he said,"But mom we're best friends." A lady behind us heard him and said, "How could you ever be mad at that?" It's true. He is hard to stay mad at.  Everyone is drawn to Tate. He is just a cool kid. We are lucky to have him in our family.

Family

I haven't blogged in over a year and it makes me sad. I was horrible before that so I've missed out on recording memories my tiny brain has surely forgotten by now. I'm sick in bed today and it's the first time in a long time that I've let things go that needed to be done. It feels good. Why do I feel so guilty when I let myself do nothing? I hate it. I work hard. I do a lot for my family all day long and if I want to take a day off, I should. Now if I can just keep that attitude going... I really want to start blogging regularly again. I can't promise anything but I'm going to make a concerted effort.

Life has changed since moving to Colorado over two years ago. Not in a bad way but different. I feel like I've gotten away from the simple life of being a stay at home mom.  My photography business took off and then I started doing work for a couponing site. Suddenly I didn't have time for anything. And now looking back I'm not sure why I did it all. Yes extra money is always nice but is it worth it?  

When I look back I feel like I missed out on moments because I was stressed or over doing things. In the last few months I've taken a step back and realized what I was missing about life. This time with my kids is precious and fleeting. I don't want to be distracted by other things that I know I will regret.  So I'm really trying now to slow down and enjoy these days with my kids. They are wonderful little people and I'm so lucky to be loved as their mom. 

Halloween 2011

We had a great Halloween this year but it went way too quickly!  Halloween is my favorite holiday and there was A LOT more I would have liked to do with the kids.  Next year.....

So this year Ammon was a Karate guy.  He wanted to be a few different things but finally decided on that and I was happy because we didn't have to go buy anything.  Cohen was a vampire, Rylee was Ariel (Sienna's costume from last year) and Tate was a Tiger.  He was pretty cute because he would even roar like a Tiger.  This year was a lot of fun for us because we didn't have to push any strollers around. No babies too worry about.  Tate was so much fun.  He totally got into the trick or treating!

We went to the church trunk or treat Friday night which lasted about 15 minutes for us. It was outside and freezing so we made our rounds and got out of there.  I took the kids to the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago (we still haven't carved their pumpkins, whoops and Cohen told me yesterday it was the going to be the worst Halloween ever because we didn't carve the pumpkins).  Monday we ate our traditional pizza from Papa Murphy's because they make Jack O' Lantern pizzas and then we went out about six to trick or treat.  We went to one neighborhood that had a culdesac with a huge pirate ship in it.  It was called Pirate's Cove and it was amazing. The kids loved it. Pirates were all over talking "pirate" and handing out candy and loot. It was great.

Then we moved on to the regular houses and the kids were done by 6:45!  We came home and went around our little culdesac and called it a night!