My weekend is basically one big question mark, as appropriately shown on the Riddler's costume. He kind-of reminds me of the Cuddler, too, actually... The hair, the glasses, the skinny fingers...
Saturday night, I got a text from my friend Ryan inviting me to come to a Hunger Games: Catching Fire movie night at our friend Ellis's new place. Ellis used to be in our ward, but moved across the street into another stake/ward/life. If you watch Parks and Rec, Deer Haven is Pawnee. Pioneer is Eagleton. I live in Deer Haven, but have a lot of Leslie Knope Pawnee pride. Ellis moved into Pioneer. Traitor. Snob.
I used to have a crush on Ryan, so I was a little taken aback by this. When I first moved in, I was smitten. He is tall, dark, and handsome (like 6'7" I think). He is my next door neighbor. I tripped in heels and fell on my butt right in front of him one of my first weeks here. I knew it was true love.
Then, I got to know him and the crush quickly diminished. Suddenly, I realized, he only talked to me in Star Wars quotes. Next, please.
So I responded to Ryan that I was tired and had a long day, blah blah blah, would it be worth it... to which he responded "worth it."
I figured he must have really wanted me there, so I decided to go. "Save me a seat."
When I got there, I was the only girl. Matt, Kenny, Jared, and Ellis were on the wrap-around couch. Ryan was on a love sac by himself. Beside him was another love sac, totally empty. Plus, he was in the middle of his, so I would have had to ask him to move over if I wanted to sit with him. Too awkward, and I didn't want to let Ryan think this was some sort of cuddlefest night. So, I sat on the empty love sac. Another girl came later and sat on the couch with the rest of the boys.
About an hour later, I heard someone making comments behind the couch. I turned and saw a guy, very nerdy-hipster looking, with glasses and tallish hair, standing there alone. I figured he must be Ellis's roommate. I said, "Hey dude, you can come sit down. We have lots of space down here." Mysterious stranger replied "No, if I sit, then I have to watch the whole movie." "Okay, whatever dude."
60 seconds later, I let out a huge scream as mysterious stranger's body flung over my head and onto the love sac right next to me. He had jumped over me entirely. I said, "DUDE! If you had kicked me in the face, that would have been... hilarious." He said, "One time, I went to put my arm around my girlfriend, and I broke her glasses with my elbow." Ouch.
Mysterious stranger then turned into mysterious cuddler. I am NOT a cuddler. I hate the word "cuddle" or "snuggle" or "tickle" (shudder) - unless, you know, I really like the guy, or something. I was not prepared for the evening to take a dramatic turn.
During one scary scene, he put his hand on my leg. He moved closer to me. He pushed his leg against mine. During another scene, he took my arm in his. He was so smooth about it, acting scared. I was dumbfounded as this has never happened to me before with a complete stranger. He was either really gutsy or really psycho. So, I decided that if he tried to actually hold my hand, I would straight-up tell him "Hey, man, I don't know you..." and take my hand away... but thankfully, he just stuck to what he was already doing. I knew, of course, that Ryan could see this happening - that Matt, Kenny, Mary, Jared, and Ellis could see it. It was, in a word, a.w.k.w.a.r.d.
Finally, when the movie ended, The Cuddler got up and left without a word. I took my time getting up, as I was still in a bit of a daze, and realized that Ryan and Matt, who live by me, had already left without me and were making me walk home in the dark by myself. Turds.
I caught up to them down the road and said with a laugh, "Hey, thanks for waiting for me, guys!" Ryan said, "Well we didn't know..." and Matt said, "We thought you were maybe staying the night or something." WHOA, WHAT?! I know they were joking... but I was super uncomfortable, so I played it off as if it were nothing - which it absolutely was - and said, "Oh yeah, me and Ellis... you know us." Hopefully that let them see that whatever just happened with Ellis's roommate was nothing, and Ryan walked me home.
I'm sure The Cuddler thought he would never see me again.
He was wrong.
Sunday night, our ward combined with another for Ward Prayer for the first time ever. I told my friend Krystal about The Cuddler on the way there. We sat down, and guess what ward I found out we were with. Pioneer. Seconds later, in walked Ellis and The Cuddler. They sat right in front of us and The Cuddler turned to me with surprised eyes. I said, "Hey, are you my friend from the love sac last night?" "Yes I am." "What's your name?" "Travis. What's yours?" "Lindsey." "Well it's nice to meet you, Lindsey." "yes..."
Can I just say I'm glad I'm not engaging in sexual activities outside of marriage? The day-after-the-pseudo-cuddle-night was awkward enough.
Krystal and I booked it out of there afterward.
.JPG)
