YOU GUYS!
Female facial hair is an issue for some of us. I could go into a paragraph about how I'm being really vulnerable here and opening up and I would appreciate your support, but really I'm just going to say this instead: We all have hair. I'm removing mine. The end. Also, nobody reads this anymore but my female friends and family. And you have known my struggles.
When I was a teenager and hormonal facial hair started coming in, my mom and I looked into Laser Hair Removal and Electrolysis. Electrolysis seemed like the seedy-back-room-practice of a former felon in a tattoo parlor, and scared us to death. There was like ONE location that did it back then, and it was in those sketchy buildings behind the Sizzler in Orem. No. Thank. You. Laser was like the caviar of hair removal and all the rich/beautiful people were getting it done. So, I set up an appointment in American Fork for a consultation. I felt like a pampered kitten. Maybe Princess Di would be there.
They took one look at my face and said, "Sorry, laser targets pigment, and your hair is too light. Have a nice day." I begged them to reconsider. They said we could "try dyeing it" - but they said it still wouldn't work. I pointed out the dark hairs. "SEEEEE???!!!!" and they responded "those are still reddish. We need DARK hair." I grabbed the laser machine and went on a rampage through the office. No, I got in my car feeling very dejected, and drove home.
When I had my first kiss at 21, I knew I really needed to do something other than "trimming" my chin hair. I started tweezing it. It hurt at first, but I grew accustomed to it, and now hardly feel a thing when I tweeze. After 10 years of plucking, the hair has gotten worse and worse and worse, to a point now where I'm spending 45 minutes or so A DAY taking care of it. If I even let one day go, I look like I belong in the circus. Guys. It's bad.
Liz Lemon refers to her "growth" as Tom - as in Tom Selleck. I appreciate her so much. Thank you, 30 Rock, for making me feel normal!
SOOOOOO fast forward to 2016. I started researching more about Electrolysis. It is actually the ONLY FDA-approved method for PERMANENT hair removal - not even LASER can boast that. I decided to reconsider the seedy-back-room idea, and look into who's offering this in Utah County. There are many places offering it - many videos online showing how medically safe and careful the electrologists are, and other comforting information. I found the CUTEST girl named Megan. She had great reviews. I called her up!
She is booked through October.
So, she referred me to the lady who did her electrolysis as a teenager and is awesome... You guessed it. The sketch location behind Sizzler. I called up Kim, and she got me in for a consultation for today.
It took me five minutes of walking around a WIG SHOP to find the location. I am so glad there are options for cancer patients to find quality wigs locally, but a room full of mannequin heads staring at you when you know a needle is about to be inserted in your face is, for some reason, a bit unsettling. Again, nothing against this shop. I think it's wonderful.
The electrolysis place is literally - LITERALLY - in the BACK ROOM of this wig shop. It is everything I thought it would be as a teenager. One room with no windows, a chair, and a needle. "You got this, Linz. You aren't going to pass out. You got this."
This is how it felt, only not so spacious:
My electrologist was way nice and we laughed about how scared I was. She told me how her friend came in to have her pits done, and it took 10 minutes of physical fighting before she was allowed to proceed. You just don't really know what to expect. They're inserting a probe (needle) in your hair follicle (pore), then literally applying insane heat and electric current to create lye, kill the hair, and release it from the blood supply. Then, they pull out the hair with tweezers and move on to the next one. You need several treatments since your hair goes through phases, and this whole thing will take a year or longer of weekly to monthly treatments of 20-30 minutes each. BUT IT'LL BE WORTH IT FOR ME!
She had me lie down, she turned on the spotlight, and we got to work.
My thoughts went like this. Ahem, attention, please:
"YOU'RE OK LINZ YOU'RE OK YOU WON'T PASS OUT YOU'RE OK THIS IS OK YOU'RE OK"
"Oh, she finished one already? That was nothing! I could sleep through this! Hallelujah!"
(Electrologist: Hmm that didn't work. I'm going to turn it up.)
"What? Ok.... that's ok. Be a winner. Be brave."
"Oh, still nothing. Totally fine. This is great."
(Electrologist: OK, still not working. Turning it up more.)
"Ok, yeah, I can feel that nowwwwwOWWW that's really hot!"
(Electrologist: Ah! There we go.)
"Oh man, yep, feeling it now. But it's over in seconds. We're good."
"Oh ouch that one really..."
"OH SON OF A"
"$%#@@*&;"
"Anyone who swears out loud during this is automatically forgiven. This is for REAL."
"Good thing my curses are only in my heaadddDDDDDDANGIT THAT HURTS"
"God hears my thoughts... He totally knows what I just thoughttttttttttttttTTTTTTT #$@$@#$"
"ARE WE DONE YET"
"I AM A WARRIOR!"
"#$@#$@#"
Things I said out loud:
"Yeah, I felt the heat on that one."
"You know? It isn't so bad. It's just a couple seconds, and then it's over. It's very localized pain. Very handle-able."
"Yeah, yank those guys out. I want them GONE. Do WHATEVER you need to do."
"MMMMMMMMmmmmmmm yepppppppp gahhhhhhhh" when she tried one on my upper lip, warning me it hurts a little more than the chin.
Then, we were done with session one, and I felt so great. I am totally committed and ready to make this a priority!
I exited that place feeling like a freaking goddess of power and courage and strength. And hairlessness. I was on the BIGGEST HIGH for a straight hour, at least. I shall now refer to myself as Warrior White Beyonce.
You can get Lidocaine to numb your skin before treatments, but would Warrior White Beyonce need it?
I included a before and after for you guys. I feel like I could conquer the whole world.
