Reset

I love the new year. I love to reset and start again. I hate looking back. This year hasn't been my finest hour and I'm ready to be serious and pull myself together.

I also find this time of year a bit depressing. I look back and see where everything went wrong.

Then the self-doubt starts. Can I do it all? Can I be a better mom? Can I be a better wife? Can I be a better person, employer, employee, church member, friend, daughter, sister? The answer to all of the above is YES! Then the real question is what am I going to do differently this year to be the better _______?

There is so much I want to do differently. The task is daunting. My mom always said (says) something along the lines of: to eat an elephant, start with one bite. (She says it better, but this is the gist)

So over the next few days I'll be doing some serious thinking about what I want to do differently and how I am going to begin. Our new years goals FHE will be Sunday. And hopefully by then I will prepared.

At the end of 2015 I'd like to say that I was able to accomplish at least one goal. And to have made headway on others. I know life is a work in progress, but I sure would like to progress further. I think the past few years I've digressed. (Is that a word? )

Here's to 2015 - a year of progress!

Perspective

Lately I've been feeling unsettled.  The rush and bustle of the holiday season has really put a strain on me this year and I am finding myself grumpy and unhappy with all the things we commit to.  More parties, more cards, more gifts, more treat plates, more more more.  And today I just hit a wall.  I am so done with it all. 

So tonight I was sitting on the couch having a pity party for one, thinking of all my woes and annoyances.  I jumped on facebook and I found a video from my cousin's wife Holly.  Holly and Jansen had twins a few months ago.  They were both born with congenital heart disease and other health problems.  Boden passed away within a few weeks of being born.  Here's the video Holly made:

Boden

Then a few weeks ago Charlie passed away unexpectedly.  I cried when I found out.  My heart just broke.  I had been watching his progress through facebook and was just in love with him and how much his family was in love with this little man.  So today Holly posted Charlie's video and it made me feel like a horrible person.  Me, sitting here, thinking about me, and how much I have to do and how I'm not enjoying this holiday season.  While my cousin and his wife bury their second baby within a few months of each other.  What kind of Christmas are they having this year?  How their hearts must break.  I think of their nights and how long they must be.  How endless the days seem.  My troubles are stupid in comparison and I'm sad that it takes the death of a child to remind me of what truly is important.  Family.  Here's Charlie's video:

Charlie

I know that life doesn't end when we die.  I've known it since before I was born.  Having been raised in a family who lost a baby, it was something that I have always known.  It isn't something I've had to gain a testimony of, it's just a fact.  Like how the sky is blue, snow is white, the sun still shines above the clouds.  I know all of this is possible through our Savior, Jesus Christ.  And what better a time to be reminded of his love and his sacrifice for us than at the season we celebrate his birth.  Little Charlie and Boden have lots of family to watch over them until the day they are reunited with their parents and brother and sisters.  The trial is in the missing them every day.  The remembering.  The birthdays, thinking oh, they would be 3 this year.  Oh, they would be going to school today.  Those are the hard days.  I pray that Holly and Jan will be forever blessed for being the parents of these two special boys.  The Lord had bigger plans for them and how blessed they are for being part of such a loving family.

Indexing Death Records

So, I've realized this is why I stopped blogging.  I'm busy.  Lol.  And I don't have a lot to say anymore.  Or so I say.  You talk to me in person and I'll probably talk your ear off. 

Anyway, what I wanted to post on today is kinda sad.  I've been doing some indexing lately (I go through phases) and I have a little time here and there and can usually get a batch done in about 10 minutes depending on what it is.  So this past week I've been doing death records.  Seriously, the saddest thing ever.

Yesterday I indexed a whole apartment complex that exploded.  That was fun.  Seriously though.  Sad.  And it piqued my interest enough that I googled it and read all the details.  Not many survivors.  And if they did survive then the chances of their family surviving was nil.  The explosion was at 5a.m.  So everyone was asleep.  The ones who did make it were blown out of their windows and fell to the street.  Or someone who was more towards the back of the building.  SAD.

Then today there was the family that was in a car accident.  The driver in one car died and the whole family died in the other car.  There was a 1 year old.  It just breaks my heart.  The kid was probably sitting on his dad's lap (the mom was driving). 

Then not 5 minutes ago I indexed a 1 year old boy who's cause of death was listed as:  violent mutilating blow with an ax.  Homicide. 

SERIOUSLY?!  It just breaks my heart.  Not loving the death records. 

Temple Trip & Personal Progress

Look at me!  3 posts in less than a week.  I'm sure there is something else I should be doing, like laundry, or cleaning, but that can all wait for now.  Tonight the youth went to the temple to do baptisms.  It's my first time ever going to the temple for baptisms in Cardston.  In fact, I can't remember the last time I did baptisms.  It's been a long time.  Anyway, I wasn't told to bring my temple clothes so I was the one who was stuck in the room with the boys while they waited for the girls to do the confirmations and baptisms.  Wow, they were obnoxious.  I'm not sure how or why I was left in charge of the boys, but some of those parents need to teach their kids how to behave in the temple.  After 2 hours I was beyond ready for the girls to be done as were the boys.  Finally the girls were all done and we started to head out.  Then we got a phone call from the parking lot.  One of the boys that was in the temple lived with his Grandma.  She passed away while he was in the temple.  It was a bit of a shock.  I knew she was in some pain, but I didn't think it was serious, I just thought it was a part of getting old.  So Mike was in the temple with the boys doing confirmations and so I found him and let him know.  The young man happened to be in the room with him.  We weren't sure if we were supposed to tell him, but the rest of his family wanted him home asap.  So as soon as we pulled him out of the room and he looked at my face he knew something was wrong.  He started shaking his head saying no, no, no.  How do you tell a child that their loved one has passed away?  Mike looked at me and I knew my eyes were just begging him to tell him and to be gentle.  So he did.  Mike just told him.  He just broke.  It was the most heart wrenching experience I've ever had. He just sobbed.  I'm glad that Aaron wasn't there when we told him because I'm sure he would have started crying just because we were all crying.  The YW president and I just cried.  It was so so hard.  He quickly changed and Mike changed and we flew back home - even though it felt like the longest ride home ever.  I dropped them off at the hospital and took the girls that were with me home.  It has put a damper on the evening.  My heart just aches for this boy.  He has lived with her for most of his life and he's 14 now.  Where does he go?  Who does he stay with?  I just want to scoop him up (yeah, he's taller than me) and just wrap him in cotton and just take care of it all.  I'm dreading the funeral already.  I hate funerals.  I just cry and cry and cry.  And I don't even know why.  I know life goes on.  I know they're in a better place.  I think I cry for the pain of those left behind.  My heart is so heavy.  This definitely wasn't the experience I was looking for tonight.  I just hope that this boy doesn't associate the temple with his grandmother's death.  I hope he can find peace there again and let it be a place of comfort.

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In other news, I'm ready to start my personal progress.  I'm having the hardest time getting started and being able to keep going.  Lol.  I thought that as an adult this would be a lot easier.  No, it's not.  Now I have to wedge it into my schedule (that's probably what I should be doing right now).  I'm hoping if I share it, it will make me more accountable and I'll be able to do better.  I hope.  I'm going to start with Faith - Value Experience 1

The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Learn about faith from the scriptures and living prophets. Read Hebrews 11; Alma 32:17–43; Ether 12:6–22; and Joseph Smith—History 1:11–20. Read two general conference talks on faith. Exercise your own faith by establishing a habit of prayer in your life. Begin by regularly saying your morning and evening prayers. After three weeks of following this pattern, discuss with a parent or leader what you have learned about faith and how daily personal prayer has strengthened your faith. In your journal express your feelings about faith and prayer.

I've been making the kids do their Duty to God and their Faith in God on Sundays.  Maybe I'll have to join them.  So as it says I have to write in my journal...this is it.  You're all welcome to my musings and I start FVE#1.  Wish me luck because I've probably started this 3 times and either fall asleep in the middle of my prayers or am late getting to work (story of my life) and have to make due.  So I'm going to try really, really hard and hopefully I can be successful!

Thanksgiving

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving and I'm feeling so thankful for so many things.  Mike's parents are away with Mike's sister's family and so our family didn't celebrate a traditional Thanksgiving.  I was really hurt at first (Mike's parents do this a lot).  All of my Quinton in-law's all have family in Southern Alberta.  Some in the same town we live in.  We (duh) do not.  So any holiday my in-laws go somewhere or eat at Mike's sister's house we are left in the cold with nowhere to go.  It still hurts my feelings, but I have decided this year that this is not happening any more.  From here on out I am not counting on my in-laws.  I will go ahead and prepare Thanksgiving for my little family and we will be Thankful and start new traditions and eat special food saved only for Thanksgiving.  Because let's face it, Canadians don't even come close to celebrating Thanksgiving like Americans.  That is one thing Americans do better.  Thanksgiving.  And most sports.  So, since we were on our own this year we decided to head to Montana for Thanksgiving/Columbus Day.  We enjoyed Wendy's as our Thanksgiving food of choice and I enjoyed a nice salad.  :)  And can I say how breathtaking Montana is in the fall.  Along the drive I kept thinking - that would have been a perfect shot.  I wish we could pull over.  I wish I brought my "real" camera not just my phone.  So here are a few shots of what we saw and it's not even close to what it looks like in real life.  (be forgiving, this were taken in the car and our windshield has seen better days)  

The colors were brilliant.  The water was gorgeous, but of course no water shots.  I wanted to take family pictures, but we weren't dressed nicely enough for pictures and Mike wasn't pulling over.  So I'll need to remember next October that this would be a fabulous backdrop for some pictures.  

This year we have so much to be thankful for.  I have amazing friends.  I love them dearly.  This year I feel as though our friendships have been tested and tried and I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been the best kind of friend.  I find as an adult I get way more jealous then I can ever remember being.  Maybe it's because in high school I had one best friend and we lived in each other's pockets (still love ya Rach!).  But as an adult you have to spread yourself between your family and friends and work and volunteering and church and....  So this year I've grown close to 3 other women.  Some closer than others and some drifting apart a little as our lives have changed and grown.  But these three other women are my best friends.  They each bring something different to the table and they each touch and bless my life and make me want to be a better person.  So I'm thankful for their friendship.  Life is lonely without good friends and it's taken me 9 years to make these friends and I'm holding on to this!

I'm so thankful for a husband who is amazing.  He drives me crazy, but he is amazing.  He is the total opposite of me.  We balance each other out fairly well and he is so good for me.  I have days where I shake my head and wonder how on earth did we ever get married.  But I don't forget how good he is.  He is SO good to our children.  I find myself burned out at the end of the day.  I get a bit grumpy and talk short to the kids (does that make sense?).  I like my personal space and get irritated when people/kids get into my bubble.  I remember being very touchy feely growing up with my family.  And I wish I could be that way with my kids, but it drives me crazy.  They get in my bubble and I want to scale the wall.  But Mike puts up with it and lets the kids climb all over him and pile in his lap or wrestle on the ground.  Unfortunately I'm more of the Hey, I love you!  High five!!  He also has a wicked sense of humor.  He makes me laugh constantly and it's exactly what I need.  I love to laugh and I love that he can make me do so with something as simple as a 20 second Lord of the Dance routine in the kitchen.  I love this picture.  This is a typical position for the girls whenever Mike sits in this chair.  They are either in his lap or rubbing his feet/brushing his hair

I'm thankful for my beautiful children.  They are GOOD kids and I appreciate them.  Yeah, we struggle keeping the house clean.  We struggle practicing the piano and trumpet.  We struggle with being responsible.  But compared to others we have it good and have been richly blessed.  I'm thankful I'm the mom to my three peeps.  They mean the world to me (even if I want a high five at bedtime instead of a smothering kiss).  I love the way they are with each other.  80% of the time they are so good to each other.  The girls constantly want to dress like twins (drives me crazy, but they love it), they pick out the same toys, eat the same foods.  Aaron is his own person.  Junior High has been a challenge, but we're working on it!  He's made the volleyball team and is doing a great job.  I love watching him play and watching him develop and grow.  (Ha!  Abbie is so short!)

We've also been able to do a lot of travelling this year.  Disneyland last fall, a month in California, a Hawaiian cruise, plus multiple trips to Kalispell.  We are blessed to be able to travel as much as we have this year.  It's been delightful to spend time with family and friends and to do things we might not be able to do again.  I'm thankful for all I've been able to do and see.  Especially Hawaii.  That was an amazing trip!  I've never seen the water as beautiful anywhere else.  While we were in Maui the water was 85 degrees.  Amazing!  

There are a million more things I'm thankful for...like my fabulous calling and the women I've met because of it.  I LOVE being in Young Women's.  It fills an empty place in my heart.  I just want to hold on to those girls and just squeeze them to death.  My family is another thing I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for the times we can spend together and I'm thankful that I live far away so those times we are together are all the more special.  I'm thankful for the fan-freaking-tastic weather we've been having this fall.  True, it snowed before we went to Hawaii, but since we've been back it's been a dream.  It's mid October and I'm still wearing Capris (not every day, but several times a week).  Winter can just stay away for now.  I'm not ready.  lol.  I'm thankful for the ward we attend.  I'm thankful for our health, I'm thankful that Conference was just last weekend.  It was wonderful and my cup truly runneth over.  And it was perfect timing.  My cup was running low and it was just what I needed.  I'm thankful we have DVR so I can watch it again and again.  I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father who has blessed me with all of these things and a million more things I can't even mention.  I am truly BLESSED.  

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Monday.  Life begins again tomorrow.  School, work, youth temple trip etc.  I'm looking forward to our next little break from life!  (We're headed to the Piano Guys in 2 weeks!  I'm VERY excited)

ps.  I've started the Dukan diet up again.  So watch for postings.  Although I don't think I took a starting picture.  I hate pictures of me.  But I'll do what I did last time and update through OWI (Official Weigh In's) and I'll post pics for every 20 pounds I lose.  All the feed back makes me feel better about myself.  ;)

Contemplation

While reading a friend's blog today it made me miss the days of writing on my blog.  It got me thinking about writing and venting and just thinking.  I wonder if bloggers are healthier people because they have a place to talk, to be themselves, to ask questions, to voice their opinion, to write a journal of sorts.  I've missed that.  Of course, my friend is an amazing person and she's always positive and very spiritual.  She makes me want to be like her.  I on the other hand have a long way to go to be like her.  But I wonder if writing things will help me be a happier person.

I'm in Young Women's now (after a drought of 10 years) and everything has changed.  Maybe here is a place I can work through my Personal Progress.  Maybe feeling as though I'm talking to someone - although no one probably follows me anymore - will ease the burdens of my Crazy CRAZY life.

Hmmmm.  Food for thought.

Maybe I'll get back to you.

OWI

A miracle has happened and I'm actually posting when I said I was going to!  Now the bad news.  I'm up .6 pounds from last week.  Totally frustrating and royally annoying.  So I'm crunching hard this week.  4 days of phase 1 with an hour with my old nemesis the treadmill every day.  Well, the treadmill will be every day from here on out (I haven't decided about Saturdays yet.  Sundays are a for sure no.  Saturdays?  I want to say no, but that might not be possible.  Especially since most of our "eating out" and my one free meal will happen on a weekend.  rawr.)  Anyway, so the weigh in will be Friday morning.  We're headed to the temple on Friday and so I won't be able to post until after I get back.  So Friday night for anyone who cares.

ttys, L