In a unprecedented move to convince the British public of the trustworthy nature of Conservative politicians, Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond has resorted to a super-literal delivery of the traditional Autumn statement by simply declaring the current state of season and disregarding the usual content of budget plans and forecasts.

The House of Commons, 23rd November 2016, Hammond was granted the floor and addressed the speaker as such:

Mr Speaker, it is Autumn.

~Philip Hammond, Chancellor of the Exchequer

Mr Hammond received a multitude of replies to his Autumn statement within the next hour

If it is Autumn, then why are you letting the leaves turn red?

~John McDonnell, Labour MP for Hayes and Harlington

The Labour government’s budget for leaf-painting was too high.

~Philip Hammond, Chancellor of the Exchequer

Well said. Let all the leaves turn red and fall in Autumn!

~George Osborne, Conservative MP for Tatton

George, that’s not what I meant.

~Philip Hammond, Chancellor of the Exchequer

Britain should not have exited the Autumn bloc.

~Tim Farron, Leader of the Liberal Democrats

It is more important for the Scottish people to hold a second Autumn.

~Stewart Hosie, SNP MP for Dundee East

That would be bad.

~Everyone

The decision on whether there is another Autumn is down to the Scottish people.

~Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the SNP

I agree.

~All members of the Scottish Nationalist Party

If only we could have a proper debate on the principles and rights of holding Autumn for the lower-middle class members of society

~Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Opposition

When?

~Philip Hammond, Chancellor of the Exchequer

If only we could have a proper debate on the principles and rights of holding Autumn for the lower-middle class members of society

~Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Opposition

Sit down, Jeremy.

~Labour

Sit down, Jeremy.

~Ed Miliband, Labour MP for Doncaster North

Sit down, Jeremy.

~David Cameron, former Conservative MP for Whitney

You’re not much of a show-er are you Jeremy? More of a hider and a listener.

~Tom Watson, Deputy Leader of the Labour Party

Bring back showers.

~Corbyn supporters

“Hammond delivers Autumn Statement”

~FT

“Hammond delivers Autumn Statement after Brexit vote”

~The Guardian

“Gemma Collins puts on a busty display in a figure-hugging black satin dress as she flaunts her Marbella tan on TOWIE night out”

~The Daily Mail

Phil, it is Fall.

~Jack Lew, Secretary of the Treasury

We have fallen.

~64,223,958 Americans of the electorate

Who cares about what you think?

~Kellanne Conway, Republican Campaign Manager

I will be a president for all of Autumn.

~Donald J Trump, President-Elect

Not my Autumn.

~NYC, Los Angeles, Portland, Minneapolis, Knoxville

There is a lot to be positive about Autumn.

~Boris Johnson, Foreign Minister

Autumn is the wake up call our political class badly needs.

~Gisela Stuart, MP for Birmingham Edgbaston

Is Autumn going to be a success or failure?

~British Public

Yes.

~Gisela Stuart, MP for Birmingham Edgbaston

We ought to march on Autumn. Now, what’s good old UKIP up to?

~Nigel Farage, Member of the European Parliament

Help us Nigel!

~The Redundant Party

You called?

~Labour