There is no one alive who is you-er than you.
-Dr. Seuss.

I always feel compelled to write some insightful summary of the past year, with the appropriate proposed modifications for the year ahead, blah blah. I don't know. Requires more planning than I'm willing to devote to the blog today. Gwen and Scott are coming over, and we're going to make a yummy dinner with Dave, and then go to his observatory to look at Jupiter before heading to the obligatory midnight-ringing-in party at someone's house. I think this is the first year that the Mostly-Whole-Group hasn't been together in one place. Last year's party brought the announcement of Hef-K's engagement. The two years (?) before that, I think we were all in D.C., burning things and raising a ruckus and bringing cranberry juice to the lady at the front desk. This year, everyone is more spread out. I feel like our friends are slowly morphing into adults with responsibilities that prevent the continuation of old ways. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It just requires a little getting-used-to. I'm feeling sentimental about the loss of our old lives as we knew them, and excited about the possibilities that all of us are facing with new jobs, new homes, new relationships, new possibilities, new choices....with the same old connections keeping us grounded.

This year I learned:
how to take the train
a basic understanding of the city of Philadelphia
I can quit my job and be ok
I can't do everything, all the time, perfectly
getting a B isn't the end of the world
letting go of my obsessive need to succeed is probably the best ingredient for success
facing fears makes them less scary
it's ok to trust
others do not judge me as harshly as I judge myself
I like dogs. Even destructive little stinkers
going to the gym on a regular basis is a necessity, for many reasons
some people will never change, and it's ok to walk away from that
my friends are good judges of character
people who don't play well with others don't get invited back
I can't eat a whole box of clemantines before they go bad
my job doesn't own me
Ross is not the boss of me. Neither is Phoebe
I need a plan and I need to stick to it
The plan needs to include yoga

And the resolutions flow from that. Eat healthy foods, go to the gym more days than not, go back to yoga, get enough sleep, organize my time well and stick to my schedule, relax, ask for what I want, articulate what I need, watch less tv, listen more, judge less, procrastinate less, forgive more, organize my life in a way that meets my goals and doesn't passively serve the desires of others, learn to let go of fears, take more risks, live more authentically instead of defensively.

goodbye 2003. You weren't such a bad year. I learned a lot about myself and others and about getting what I want from life. 2004 needs to see more of that knowledge put into action. I think that's going to make for a fun year.

In with the good air....
Yes. Yet another party at Dave's where I sequester myself on the third floor. His Ex-of-all-Exes is on the first floor. This random guy I went out with once who is now dating Dave's good friend is on the second floor. And here I sit, quietly typing away on the third floor, trying to psychically reach out to my friends in my time of need.

Right. Seriously, though, I didn't run away when he called me and told me who was going to be here. I was only a few blocks away, but there was still plenty of time to turn around and run home. Which I did not do. I am facing my fears, in a small way, one tiny baby step at a time. I will go back downstairs. I will. Soon.

In with the good air...

Look at all the pretty things....
Christmas this year... not so bad. I am quite pleased both with the people-time and the loot. Family Time wasn't really as bad as I was anticipating. Spent Tuesday night at my mother's place, and Christmas Eve at my dad's. Christmas at my dad's place this year was much more similar to the Christmas I remember as I kid than most recent years. His girlfriend has 2 kids, and they went all out in the "70 presents under the tree and overflowing stockings" kind of way. I love that. I mean...it's not as superficial and consumer-crazy as it sounds. Not all of the presents are expensive material toys. Some of the things are like... tissues and socks and tic-tacs. But they're wrapped and everything is a surprise and everyone has fun and then my dad makes a huge yummy breakfast and then we all take a nap because we're exhausted. Just like Christmas when I was a kid. I loved it.

Anyway. I got some very nice presents this year. Thank you thank you thank you. Now.... everyone who hasn't been home yet should come home and go to Roots with us on Tuesday. The only thing I haven't had enough of yet this Christmas is Friend Time. Everyone's schedules are so packed these days, with driving all over and splitting between different families and trying to catch up with everyone for just one meal. I miss the big Friend-Present-Fireplace Night. I guess we were all together at Thanksgiving, so maybe 2 holidays in a row is too much to ask for. But I miss that time.

Hope you all had lovely cozy family-and-friend time. And that you got some fun new toys, too. Mwah.

It's all just underwear....
OMG the salespeople at Vicky's are so. damn. pushy. I. wanted. to. scream. What ever happened to "Can I help you find anything? No, ok. I'll leave you alone to shop in peace. I'll be over here straightening the pnty table if you have any questions." But no....

Sales Girl 1 (SG1): What can I help you find today?

Me: Nothing. I'm just looking. Thank you.

SG2: (carrying a bra around with her) Have you seen this? Feel it. It's great.

Me: Um. Thanks. I'm just, um... looking. ( I don't want to touch your creepy underwear that would fit my pinky finger).

SG3: (Pointing to the item in my hand) Have you seen the matching pnties?

Me: Really, I'm just looking, and yes, I saw them.

SG4: Oh, isn't that great? Did you see that it also comes in another style? Right over here....

Me: No, really, this is what I was looking for. Thank you.

SG5: Have you heard about our dressing room box?

Me: Your what? (How many freaking people work here??)

SG5: Our dressing room box. If you step into the dressing room, we'll hand you a box with all of the items we sell in your size for you to try on.

Me: Um. Ok. But... really... I'm just looking right now. (step away from the salesgirls. Step away from the salesgirls!)

SG6: (6! You have GOT to be kidding me. I've been in the store for 3 minutes and this is the sixth different person to harass me). Oh, you ARE going to try that on, aren't you? It's wonderful. Let me know what you think!

Me: I'll definitely be sure to do that.

I finally make it to the fitting room, only mildly worse for the wear. As soon as I get there, I'm pounced on by SG5.

SG5: What size?

Me: What? I just want to try this on. That's all.

SG5: (Giant sigh). What size? So I can give you the box.

Me: (for crying out loud. Shouldn't I get to decide who I give that information to? But in my own frustration and just wanting to do anything possible to get out of this hell hole, I told her. She unlocks the door for me. Yes, that's right, she wouldn't unlock the door until I told her my size so she could slide the precious "dressing room box" under the door once I was safely inside. Criminy.) Yeah. Th...anks.
Me again: (imagine that. The only place I was not harassed by these black-pants-wearing, more-aggressive--than-the-purfume-sellers-at-bloomies salesgirls was when i was behind a locked door. Even then I was waiting for someone to knock on the door and ask me if I needed help figuring out how to look in the mirror and make a decision for myself. which I did. And the decision was that I didn't want the item I had tried on. Fabulous. So now I have to gear myself up to wind my way back out into the jungle of hungry salesgirls ready to pounce all over my privacy-seeking self.

SG5: (who was, not surprisingly, waiting right outside the door.) How did that work out for you?

Me: (Aha! I was too smart for her. I knew if I told her I didn't want it, she wouldn't just take the item from me and prepare it for its inevitable return to the sales floor. She would bombard me with the same questions i heard her lob at the unfortunate soul in the room next to me who apparently tried to hand back her unwanted items: What's wrong with it? Let me get you another size. Another style. Another color. A coupon for 15% off your next purchase as our special gift to wipe your mind clear of the fact that we just robbed you of 20 minutes of your life, and you will never, ever see that time again....) Um, yeah, it's great, I think I'm going to take it, but let me just go look for those matching pnties....

SG6: OH! How was it? Isn't it great? What did you think? Are you going to buy it? Isn't it wonderful?

Me: (oh god, this poor, poor woman. She has to get out more often. It's underwear.) Yeah, it's great. I think I'm going to get it. Thank you. (scanning the room for the best route to the rack where I picked up the offending piece of merchandise that opened the floodgates of questions, comments and helpful advice. I spot my target. The surrounding area is wide open. I make a quick dash, the bottom drawer is open, I toss in the item, slide the drawer closed with my foot and make a quick exit. I have a headache. I will never go in that store again. Ever. Unless there is a giant, giant sale. And I'm wearing an invisibility cloak.)

Don't do drugs. Unless you have to.
Sigh. What a bizarro weekend. I don't know. Parts of the weekend were really quite nice... other parts not so much.

I've been really moody lately. And I don't like that. I especially don't like the fact that I think my moodiness is related to a new medication I just started taking. It's Christmas. I want to be relaxed and happy and blah blah merry Christmas. Instead, I've been anxious and cranky and freaking out and sad.

ugh.

But... friends and presents and cookies soon. And that can't be bad, right?

sigh.

So, um, yeah....
In this week's episode of Malicious, Jealous, Aggressive Dogs Gone Wild....Dave goes downstairs and gets as far as the hallway when he finds that Henry has stolen and chewed a giant hole in his pjs. He's pissed, comes upstairs and yells at the dog. Taking the dog's side I tell Dave that Henry probably doesn't even remember, and now doesn't understand why he's being yelled at. Dave goes back downstairs. Dave says "Oh, man!" I say, "What? What else did he eat?" The freaking dog ate my freaking glasses. Chewed the frames, chewed the lenses, everything. I spend the rest of the night stewing and plotting how I can "accidentally" let Henry escape one day while Dave's at work. I give Henry the silent treatment all night. He knows I'm pissed. He follows me around with mopey puppy dog eyes all night. We make him sleep on the floor. He curls up in a blanket on the floor beside my head all night. I'm still pissed. I go to sleep. I wake up at 4am after having a dream where Dave and I get in a huge terrible fight and end up breaking up because of the dog. Dream Dave is pissed at me for making an issue of Destructo Dog. Dream Me takes the blankets and storms downstairs to sleep on the couch. Dream Dave screams at me and throws something at me on way out. Real Me wakes up with my heart racing and tears welling up in my eyes.

So, we spent this morning practicing having me put Henry in the kitchen with the baby gate up, to show Henry his place in the hierarchy. I'm having a little bit of difficulty with this. I feel bad that this is a problem. It's clear that Henry's aggression is related to my presence here. He doesn't destroy things on a regular basis. I also feel weird having to discipline someone else's dog, even though Dave is clearly telling me to do so. It's like reprimanding someone else's child in the grocery store. It's not a cool feeling. I wish Henry was more like a person and we could just sit down and have a rational discussion about how he's feeling. But he can't do that. So instead he finds the most expensive thing I brought into the house that day and eats it. Right before Christmas and right after I quit my job. Thank you, Henry. I'm so glad I just bought you something yummy for Christmas.

Anyway. Yes. Dave wants to make sure that I tell you all that he is in no way taking the dog's side on this. He's doing whatever he can to find a solution and to teach Henry his place in the social order. And he wants me to chill the fck out and stop feeling guilty about wanting to let his dog run away. I would never do that, for the record. I was just pissed. And now I have to go praise him and let him out of the kitchen so he understands it's not a punishment, and just the way things are going to be from now on.

Sigh.

freaking dog.

Oh, Three Day Weekend
You are over too soon.

Mm... such a nice weekend. Spent a billion hours in the car, but Old Friend and Boy were in car, too, so was kind of nice. We went up Saturday, saw Stephen's show Saturday night (why is it that when your friend's boyfriend takes off his pants in a play, you still can't help but look? It's creepy and wrong and impossible not to do all at the same time). Yesterday we went shopping and I finally had time to buy the first of all the Christmas presents I need. And then there was the snow, which kept us indoors at Laura's house drinking tea and eating peppermint brownies and playing card games and Torment the Kitty until he Hisses. And then we came home today. Nice. Short. Short but Nice. And now there is sleep. Tomorrow there will be more shopping. And cleaning. And the finding of the bills and the Christmas card-writing and present-making. I am so excited to be finished with school for a few weeks.

Everything's white....
Um... I'm in Boston. It's snowing. A lot. Hee hee.

Hey, it's Vern!

Vern!

I just wish I owned a house, and that Vern would come over (and bring Carter with him), redesign the entire interior, clean up, and drive away 48 hours later. That would be great. I'm sure he'll get right on that.

Just so we're on the same page...
Y'all are not allowed to buy anything for yourself for the next 3 weeks. Got it? I mean it.

Celebracion
Dave took me to Cuba Libre for dinner last night, to celebrate 3 months of dating and me kicking ass with John last week. It was so yummy. Yummy yummy. I had a strawberry daquiri. And other stuff. Mm. So good.

Anyway. So, I got a new client yesterday! Hurray! It's a promising start. Perhaps this will all turn out the way I hope it will.

Ok. Enough chitchat. I have a bio exam to study for. Last exam. One more paper to write by Friday-ish. And then I'm done, and can go revel in holiday funness for the remaining 2 weeks that I can enjoy it.

Zzzzzzz....
I finally got some sleep last night. It was the first full night's sleep I've had since the day before Thanksgiving. I tried the night before, but Dave's dog Henry (love the dog, keep this in mind) was annoying the bejezzus out of me. He sleeps under the covers at the food of the bed, in between us. I don't know why he doesn't suffocate. At first glance, that sounds kind of cute, doesn't it? Yes, yes it does. But in reality, it means that both of us end up sleeping in funny positions to accommodate the dog. I don't know how much this affects Dave, but I know that Henry repeatedly kicks me. I swear he tries to push me out by "stretching", as he kicks with all his little beagle might into my side. And then, his most recent trick to reclaim his rightful spot? Every time I finally fall asleep, he licks my foot. Gross. I know. I'm sorry. So now, I am effectively doing what he wants by moving farther and farther away from him to try to get away from the licking. By the end of the night, I am perched on the edge of the bed, feet sticking out over the edge, out of licking range, and I'm freezing cold... and Henry is rolled up like a nice little ball in all the warm blankets in the middle of the bed, with Dave sound asleep, oblivious to my predicament.

Anyway. So... yes. Last night, I brought over more blankets, was completely exhausted by the time I crawled into bed, and Dave put Henry's very own DOG bed on the floor next to the actual bed. He only tried to get up once, but when he jumped and make contact with my head, he bounced back onto the floor and didn't try again.

I love the dog. I really, really do. He cuddles and snuggles and makes the most adorable doggie snoring sounds. He does tricks, he sits next to me on the couch when I'm doing homework, with his chin on my knee, he follows me around the house. But the sleeping thing. dude.

Anyway. Ay ya.

Two more exams and then I'm finished. One will be handed in tomorrow. The other is on Thursday. And then, finally, I'll get to do some Christmas shopping, and go to bed early, and maybe get to the gym, or yoga, or the grocery store. Hurrah. And now I'm going to bed. Mm. Sleep.

Why everyone should have a girlfriend like me
1. I show up at your office early when you're meeting with a student.
2. I want Indian food for dinner when you want Mexican.
3. I watch your dog through the window because he's so cute in the snow without realizing that by watching him I'm preventing him from doing his business.
4. I yell at you for interrupting my stories instead of appreciating the fact that you're showing an interest in my life.
5. And to top it all off, I ask you to help me with a few statistics questions, and you end up wasting an entire Friday night paging through my stats book and trying to explain things that my professor failed to teach me in the course of a whole semester.

Thank you, Dave.

(Who, for the record, is ridiculously smart. It's always good to keep a Math and Science Boy in your pocket. First it was Jon, then Scott, now Boy. It is all greatly appreciated. And damn, we know some smart people.)

Night.

Update
Ok. I'm still employed. The meeting with the boss went well. I didn't chicken out, didn't feel intimidated, didn't back down on what I wanted.

I think it's going to work out. I'm going to have a smaller paycheck for awhile until I get up to speed with the clinical hours, but that's a risk I'm willing to take in order to get to where I ultimately want to be. Surprisingly, he gave me (at least verbally) what I wanted before I even had to state it specifically. Hopefully he'll follow through now, but if he doesn't, he knows I'm serious about leaving.

Anyway. Tis all for tonight. I need to go to sleep. Cozy bed too much to resist. Am so sleepy.

Meow
Should I be concerned that my Tension Tamer tea has catnip leaves in it?

I think maybe I should be more concerned that my paper isn't finished yet and it's due tonight......

Gwen's not such the good mach schneller
I remember when the whales had wings, she said. Whatever happened? I said. It got to be too noisy with all the airplanes & other stuff, so they flew into the ocean & never came back. Some days, she added, I think about going too.
Brian Andreas

Gwen: Hi! I'm you're substitute mach schneller! What are you doing?
Me: Reading Storypeople stories.
G: No you're not!
Me: Yes, I am.

So Gwen goes to the storypeople site and starts reading stories, too. We have the search engine generate stories for us, and read our specially-selected stories aloud to each other. They're both very appropriate for each of us, in a very "g's fortune-cookie-generator" kind of way. We keep reading until Gwen realizes we're both silently transfixed by the glowing screen and the lovely stories.

G: Wait! What are we doing??? We need to go to bed!
Me: I think I have 3 more hours in me before I can/have to go to bed.
G: Mach schnell!
Me: One more.
G: Ok.

We go back to reading stories. It's nice, the sitting in bed reading stories long-distance over the phone with an old friend.

I just wish I wasn't so f'ing tired.

Ack. Gotta just do it.
so... tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss, wherein I am planning on laying it all on the table, including the part about how I'm going to have to leave the practice if he doesn't make good on his promise to transition me out of my old position and into a clinical position. I feel so intimidated by him sometimes that I'm afraid I'm going to chicken out. I always feel this way before I have to go to him with a request for a raise, or some other such thing. I know this is what I have to do. It's my life and no one is going to give me what I want if I don't actively pursue and demand it. (yes, we have had many discussions about this in the past that haven't gone anywhere, so unfortunately now we're at the demand stage). And... it's his practice; he can certainly choose to meet my needs or not. But tomorrow is the day when I tell him that if he can't meet my needs that I will leave the practice. I think January 31st will be my deadline. It takes awhile to generate what I need, but that should be plenty of time, if he seriously wants to make good on his word.

Ugh.

On the other hand... I could use some good down time. Maybe being unemployed wouldn't be such a bad thing....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Someone said to me a few weeks ago: "You've been so good this semester- you haven't needed much mach schnelling at all! I'm so proud of you!"

The reality is that I haven't been doing the work I should have been doing all semester. All the big projects, that is.

And now they're due. Tomorrow and Thursday. I wasn't even as good over Thanksgiving as I was last year. I went shopping. I read catalogues and fantasized about Christmas presents I would love to buy people. I looked at bridesmaids dress catalogues. I watched tv and movies. I walked the dog. Ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhh ahhhhh!!!!

I'm going to be up all night. I hate when I do this to myself. And the more stressed out I get, the more paralyzed I become. I wanted to get a good start on this paper yesterday.... instead I felt so stuck that I couldn't even look at it. I watched tv instead. And now I'm going to have to pull an all-nighter. I. Hate. That. I. Always. Do. This.

fck. fckfckfckfckfck.

I *know* I need to chill the fck out. I know I need to stop thinking "dear santa, all I want for Christmas is a 4.0." I know that part of the reason I procrastinate, and part of the reason I get so stressed out and paralyzed until the very last minute, is that I'm afraid of not doing a good job. This is a classic trait in procrastinators- you don't procrastinate because you're lazy. You procrastinate because you're a perfectionist and if you work on your projects ahead of time and you don't do well, you have no excuse. If you wait until the last minute and you don't do well, you can always say it was because you didn't have enough time, that you only had 4 hours to work on it and this is the best you can do in four hours. You can convince yourself and everyone else that if you had had more time to work on it you definitely could have produced better work. But it's a self-defeating cycle. The work is always good in the end. There is no reason to think that I wouldn't do a good job on this stuff. I don't know why I have a fear of turning in work that isn't good enough. If the work I turn in while under the gun is good, the work I could produce if I didn't procrastinate would be that much better.

But still, I do this all the time. Every semester. A lot of grad students have this trait. I just wish I could break this pattern.

blargh. Starting the caffeine drip....

Oh Lancaster....
How the smell of cows smacks you in the face as soon as you arrive home. Memories...

Anyway. Had Thanksgiving dinner with the Dad and his girlfriend, her kids, and their dog. It was fine. Her kids really seem to like my dad. That's great. The kids aren't bad. I kind of liked them. But it was weird. It's not the same. It's not my family. As soon as dinner was over, I headed to EP. Someone is always home at Angie's house. On my way there I called my mom to see if she was around, and she was just sitting down to dinner with the man she lives with, and his family. I said "happy thanksgiving and continued on my way to the Gauls. In some respects, it's kind of sad that the only place that still feels like home in Lancaster was never really my home in the first place. On the other hand, it's nice to know that even though my parents no longer live here, and some other family lives in the house where I grew up, no matter how many things change, I can still come to the Gauls house, whenever I want, no matter who's there, and I can stay as long as I want. As I pulled into the old neighborhood, I decided to drive past my old house. There were a lot of cars in the driveway. There were candles in all the windows, like my mom used to do. The light was on in my old bedroom. They cut down some of the bushes along the front of the house, but the dogwood tree is still there. The tree that I bought at auction by raising my hand when I was 4 is still there, taller than the house now. Kelly called and asked where I was. I was sitting in my car in front of the house, just watching. Wondering what was going on inside, beyond what I could see from the front of the house. Are they sitting around the kitchen table? On the hardwood floor that my dad put in himself?

So I continued driving, around the block that I've walked so many times. Let myself into Angie's house. Sat in the basement, like we do every year, in front of the fire, complaining about the draft everytime someone went out to the porch for a drink. Debating whether we were too tired to get in the hot tub. So familiar. So much more like Home than any real home I have right now. Fell asleep on the air matress on the floor in the den, with Kelly asleep on the couch, listening to the crackle of the last embers of the fire that was slowly dying at my feet.

Slept pretty well, until Gunner tried to eat my head this morning. That was never part of my reality as a child. But things change. I'll take the head-gnawing dog if it means I always have a place to go, with potato casserole in the oven and cases of spring water on the porch and a pile of firewood out back waiting for all the "kids" to come "home."

Home.

Two dreams, too obvious:
1) It's night, I'm in Lancaster, it's raining. I'm supposed to go to work at Mnhm Tnshp high school, but I don't know where it is. I try to call my mom, but she doesn't answer the phone, and when she does, she won't tell me the answer, even though she knows where it is. All of a sudden, police cars, ambulences and fire trucks fly into my neighborhood and post themselves on every street corner. I look up into the sky and see a giant metal object slowly falling and twisting in the air. It seems to take forever before it hits the ground and smoke and fire billow up.

2) I'm on a floating pier in the middle of a body of water somewhere far away. There are a lot of people on this pier with me. One of them might be my father. There are a lot of huge ships in the water, also. I've never seen anything as big as these ships. Everything is sunny and bright and happy; I think we might be on vacation. All of a sudden, smoke starts coming out of the front of one of the ships. And then a giant missile shoots out of the front, but very slowly. It's almost like the way a helium balloon rises when it's really windy outside- it flops around and rises slowly and then drifts away. That's the way this missile moved about, rising slowly, then drifting up above the pier we were on, and over to the other side of whatever body of water we were in, before it landed on another big ship and exploded, with a giant mushroom cloud of fire and smoke. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as we watched it happen. The other people on the pier said we wouldn't be affected. I looked up at the smoke cloud slowly spreading over everything and said "how could we not?"

And then I woke up and remembered a line in an email Dave sent me yesterday about quitting my job...Well, whatever happens when you drop the bomb, we'll go to dinner somewhere nice to celebrate.

For real this time?
I have to quit my job because it's not going anywhere, and it's not going to go anywhere unless and until I quit. It may not go anywhere after I quit, but it certainly won't go anywhere if I don't quit.

This scares the shit out of me.

Please don't let me fall.

Mm...
I had a really nice weekend, once I recovered from the plague. Pre-Thanksgiving at Gwen's was yummy funness. Or fun yumminess. It was fun. And it was yummy. Also, I got to sleep in Debbie's bed because she was away for the weekend. Debbie has the best bed ever. I sleep so well in that bed. Except for the scary Superman dream I had, but that's another story. It was the super-cute Clark from Smallville Superman, not the cape-and-tights wearing older Superman. Yeah. Anyway. Clark is hot.

Um, yeah. And then yesterday I came home and went to see Defending the Caveman in Philly with Dave. It's this one-man play/comedy thing about the differences between men and women. Funny. More for me than for Dave, but whatever. He likes 80's music, so what can you expect? (Maybe if I keep insulting him on here he'll start commenting instead of just lurking.) ;)

This week is going to be fantastic. I have to make up my bio exam sometime, but other than that, I have a lot of "free time" to get my work done. You know, all of that work that I've been putting off all semester. Everyone has been telling me that I've been so good, and not needing much mach schnelling to stay on task. The reality is that I just haven't been working on the long-term projects as much as I needed to and now they're all due. Which sucks for me, but at least the end is in sight. Today is the only day I actually have to work this week, so I'm going to try to get some work done before I go to lanky for all the turkey and friends and hot tubbing.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of good food and all the friends and family you can gather up. Mwah.

FYI
Ok. Did a little more research on the LGBT marriage thing. The best that I can figure out is that it's a terminology issue. It seems as though Vermont will issue civil union licenses, but not marriage licenses. It also seems that there is no difference in the benefits of the two, though, so I'm not sure what the real issue is, or if it really just comes down to the word marriage. And then, of course, the issue in Massachusetts is that the supreme court ruled that Massachusetts can not deny the granting of actual marriage licenses.

Doesn't this sound silly to the people who write these things in the first place?
Vermont law defines marriage in heterosexual terms, but does not purport to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages celebrated in other jurisdictions.15 V.S.A. § 8 (2001).

Vermont law licenses civil unions under 15 V.S.A. § 1201 et seq. (2001) and 18 V.S.A. § 5160 et seq. (2001). Civil unions are accorded all the benefits and responsibilities of marriage under Vermont law.

Vermont defines marriage as the "legally recognized union of one man and one woman." 15 V.S.A. § 8 (2001). But a legally recognized civil union is not recognized as marriage?

Updates from the Land of Illness
So.... I missed my biopsych exam last night. I was driving to class when I started to feel nauseous. So I decided I would just go take the exam and then leave before the lecture started. But after I parked my car on campus and walked up to the classroom, I really felt like something bad was about to happen. I didn't want to infect my classmates, but I *really* didn't want to puke at school. So, I turned around, left my classroom, caught my professor in the hall before class and made arrangements to take the exam next week. I felt like such a goober, because I was already there. I could have taken it. I also could have puked all over the exam, and no one wants that. So I came home, tried to sleep, tossed and turned all night from the fever, and then got up to go to CHOP this morning.

The boy offered to come over and take care of me last night. Which was sweet. I'm sure he was relieved that I said no, and I'm not quite sure what he would have done if I had said "oh, sure, that would be wonderful." But still... he knew that offering was the right thing to do. And as he pointed out tonight at dinner, I'm a darn whiney girly girl when I'm sick. I hate being sick. It makes me inefficient, and as we all know, I don't like not being able to do everything.

Which is why I went to the great Bridal Shower Planning Session, Meeting One tonight. I think it's going to be fine. There are 2 bridal Showers (one just family and bridal party, the other for everyone else) and a bachelorette party (whoo!), and possibly a trip to the shore. So much planning to do. So much money to put out. Luckily, in the financial department at least, H has 7 bridesmaids. That's a lot of people to share the expenses. Yay. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a very good attitude about the whole thing. Everyone is always honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but then when it comes down to it, it always turns out to be a lot of money and a lot of hassles. I think I'm anticipating all of the hassles, and therefore not going into it with a very good attitude. I should work on that, because I'm very happy for her, and I like everyone in the bridal party, for the most part. Blargh.

Anyway. So... yeah. Cross your fingers that I feel better enough to drive to DC tomorrow for Pre-Thanksgiving. I'll feel like an ass if I have to bail, since I made such a big deal out of having it again this year. It was just so nice and cozy and fun last time. I still have the Gratitude candle thing that we all wrote on.... Angie brought this glass candle holder and wrapped it with a transparent sheet of paper, and then we all wrote on it what we were grateful for... public transportation, old friends, Hrry Ptter, kittens, the Beatls, being..... No way I'm going to miss out on the Pre-Thanksgiving. Love that stuff.

Hope you all have a good weekend, free from illness, full of loving friends or good dates or lots of sleep or whatever it is that brings you happiness.....

The power of persuasion
Mm.... sitting at my desk trying to convince myself I'm not getting sick. How could I be getting sick when I'm sitting here with a bowl of vanilla yogurt and Nature's Path Pumpkin Flax granola (SO GOOD), old school Dar on the radio, sun finally peeking out....content, not sick. Not sick. I am...not... getting sick.

Um, go Massachusetts?
On the one hand, this is great. On the other... it's 2003. How is progress *this slow*? And what does this ruling really mean? I have a feeling there are more hoops to jump through before this is actually put into place.

From the Human Rights Campaign website:
Same sex couples in Massachusetts who choose to obtain a civil marriage license will now be able to:

Visit each other in the hospital, without question;

Make important health care and financial decisions for each other;

Have mutual obligations to provide support for each other;

File joint state tax returns, and have the burden and advantages of the state tax law for married couples; and

Receive hundreds of other protections under state law.

Churches and other religious institutions will not have to recognize or perform ceremonies for these civil marriages. This ruling is not about religion; it’s about the civil responsibilities and protections afforded through a government-issued civil marriage license.

By operation of law, all married couples should be extended the more than 1,000 federal protections and responsibilities administered at the federal level. These rights include the application of federal inheritance laws, social security benefits, the right to unpaid leave to care for a family member, the ability to file joint tax return, and the like. However, the so-called Defense of Marriage Act purports to discriminate against same-sex married couples and deny them these protections.

Because no state has recognized civil marriage for same-sex couples in the past, this law has not yet been challenged in court.

Other states and some businesses may legally recognize the civil marriages of same-sex couples performed in Massachusetts the same way they treat those of opposite-sex couples.

So much to say....
So, Gloria Steinem is awesome, in case you were wondering. She showed up wearing black leather pants... and really, you have to have a certain attitude to be able to pull off leather pants after a certain age. She was so sweet and calm and grounded that on the surface you wonder how someone with that temperament can be so radical and organizing and empowering. But she is.

Anyway, so... at the end of her speech, she said she was going to issue a challenge to us, something she used to do many years ago at all of her speeches, but which she hadn't done in many years. In addition to all of the social justice activities we should all be doing (according to her), such as donating 10% of our salaries to social causes and writing 5 letters a week in support or criticism of things we see and read, she said that on Monday, if we all do just one additional radical thing, that two things will happen. One, she will do it too, and Two, the world will be a better place on Tuesday. And it doesn't matter if the radical thing you do is write a letter, or start a grassroots campain for some issue, or if you say to your partner "you pick it up yourself", or if it just means that you don't count the calories on the back of your luna bar that day. So.... I'm extended that challenge to all of you, too. And if you don't read this on Monday, do it on Tuesday, or whenever.

There were 750 people at the conference. I wonder what kind of things will be happening tomorrow because of that challenge.....

I'll take one of these... and eight of those.....
So, today was the first day of a four-day conference I'm attending in Philadelphia- Feminist Perspectives and Beyond: The Changing Face of Eating Disorders. The workshop I attended today was excellent. The topic was eating disorders and borderline personality disorder... the speaker was great, the information was good, it was informative, well-organized, with good questions from the audience. Overall, just a quality presentation.

Now, the interesting thing about this conference was watching the attendees and their own eating habits. Or maybe it's just me. For example, I was having lunch with some random woman, and in the middle of the meal (giant salad, grilled chicken, grilled veggies), she remarks that she's going to gain 40 pounds at this conference, because she *never* eats dessert, and she never eats... a bagel... for breakfast. Gasp! The horror!

And then there were the breaks. Here's the part I'm a little bit (but just a little) embarrassed to admit. They had piles of Luna Bars out for the breaks, and I... I took some home. And 2 bananas. And an orange. Ok. I'm a poor grad student. but other people were snagging the luna bars, too. It was interesting to watch people do this, and then have their friends question why they're hoarding food.

Anyway... tomorrow I will be attending a lecture on eating disorders in African American women, and another on ED's among gay, lesbian, bi and trans communities. And in between, a keynote address by Gloria Steinem. I'm so excited. In the evening they have a class on Nia movement, which I've never heard of but apparently combines tai-chi, yoga, modern and ethnic dance and body alignment techniques. I don't have to tell you how cool that sounds, but I have a feeling I might bail long before that. It's going to be a ridiculously long day.

I wonder if there will be more Luna bars.....

Which came first
I just came from a big meeting with my dissertation seminar professor. I'm so freakin confused. I go in there with a direction, something I've been reading about for the last three years, and his response is that he's not convinced that the thing I've been researching is even a valid issue. Um, ok. He has good points. He doesn't want me to abandon my topic. He just wants me to come at it from a different angle. His angle, however, goes against my basic belief about the whole topic. But again, that's good. Because, I guess in some sense I have a bias. I think the media influences body image, body dissatisfaction, internalization of the thin ideal, the belief that we have to look like magazine cover models in order to be successful, and if we don't, it impacts our feelings of self-worth. He thinks that's all rubbish and that culture, the media in particular, has nothing to do with the development of disordered eating, or distorted body image. If culture/media had anything to do with it, every little girl in our society would develop an eating disorder. Armed with statistics about body dissatisfaction being "normative" in our society, that consumption of media images does lead to an increased internalization of the thin ideal, and that as cultures become more Westernized their levels of eating disorders also increase.... means nothing to him. Because I'm not looking at that research critically. Or critically enough. What does "Westernized" mean? More affluent? Maybe that's the key, and it's really not a cultural thing. What does internalization of the thin ideal mean? Just because someone said it's a construct doesn't mean it actually happens. Hm. Right.

He thinks that instead of looking at the influence the media has on the development of eating disorders (there's my bias already. Maybe there is no influence), he thinks I should try to debunk everything that's already been said in support of the media influence.

He's right. Part of me does want to prove that the media is influencing disordered eating in adolescents. I mean, clearly adolescents look to the media as a method of social comparison, to figure out how and who they are supposed to be. Or do they? And what does that mean? I have to make sure I go about this scientifically.

And then he offers a few suggestions on how to go about looking at my topic, and tells me that if I look at it this way, or that way, or upside down, and try to challenge the assumptions that are in the literature instead of adding to the pile of support for loosely-defined constructs, that he thinks I can get a published paper out of my dissertation.

A published article would be nice.

My eye is twitching again.

Ally McButter
I got a completely random email from an old high school friend (yes, that one). He's living in China now, and sent me a really long email about his recent travels and what he's been up to. At the bottom of the email it said:

"They have old episodes of Ally McBeal on tv here and I thought of you."

Dur. Because he knows about my obsession with Obi Wan Bon Jovi, or because I myself remind him of Ally McButter? Either way, I'm not so sure that that's what I want to be remembered for. Regardless, it was nice to hear from him. And, yes, I wish that show was still on. Especially the later episodes with Robert Downey, Jr. Yeow. Purr.......

Still not a city girl
So, on Saturday I was taking the train home from the city. When I got onto the train in Center City, I saw an old guy sitting a few rows ahead of me buying a ticket on the train. He was sitting acorss the aisle from another man. And then I went back to reading my book. When we got to my own station, I was walking down the aisle toward the exit, the old man ahead of me. The man on the other side of the aisle stopped me and asked me if I knew where the Expo Center was. I said that I did, that it was at this stop, but that I wasn't going there. He said "oh, ok" and then I got off the train. When I walked past the old man on the platform, he motioned for me to stop. I did, and he took a business card out of his wallet on which he had written "Expo Center?" And then he tried to speak. Which he couldn't really do. So, I tried to explain approximately how far it was from the station, but it was definitely out of walking distance, especially for this guy (he had to be pushing 80). Then he wrote "Bus?" Um... I don't know? Maybe? Ugh. So...I did something that I've never done before, and which definitely made me uncomfortable. I offered him a ride. I really didn't feel good about leaving this 80 year old guy at the train station with no means of transportation or communication. So... yeah. I drove him to the expo center. He tried to offer me money, which I declined, telling him to have a good day. He blew me kisses through the window after he got out of the car. He was sweet. I felt like I had done a good deed.

Not everyone agreed with me, though. "You have to be more careful." "Don't let people guilt you into doing things that aren't safe." "Old people can be deceptively strong." Yeah. I know. But.... I don't know. Obviously I know that no good comes from the statement "but he seemed harmless." Is this a product of my upbringing in the country? I couldn't possible leave an old man stranded at an empty train station. And he certainly couldn't have walked there. I couldn't even give him walking directions if I wanted to. Would I have offered a ride to a stranger in the city? Not a chance. Naive? Stupid? Compassionate? Eh. He was a sweet old man. I have no idea what he was doing going to an interior decorating convention in the burbs, but... at least he didn't attack me.

Umbrella... Umbr-e-ll-la....
Argh. So, something was wonky with the hosting site for leafygreen for the last week. G fixed it last night, so we should all be good to go again. Sorry about that. Yay for G, though. She's the best.

So...good weekend. Went to a rock opera Friday night that was written by some guys Dave knows. Funny stuff. Funny-funny, not just regular funny. And now I have a song about an umbrella stuck in my head....

back to your regularly scheduled Alissa.

Whoo! Lawyers!
Amanda and Tom passed the bar exam. Hurrah! They are so going to have little lawyer babies some day.

Anyway. so.... I didn't go to class again tonight. This time my excuse was the weather. It took me 45 minutes to get approximately a quarter of a mile from my house. all the roads are flooded. The power was out for a long time. This really sucks. I mean... sort of. Of course I'm excited to stay home and study for my bio exam and snuggle under the covers and watch Smallville and drink hot chocolate while the sky dumps on my house. But.... I feel like such a slacker not going to class two nights in a row.

But for the record, decaffeinated hot chocolate is a really smart invention. I love my hot chocolate... but I also love being able to fall asleep at night....

ow, ow, ow
I got broken yesterday. I was walking from CHOP to the train station, which is about a mile away, with my lovely father-purchased graduation-gift messenger bag slung over my right shoulder, weighted down with who knows what that weighs 8 thousand pounds. And... I've realized the last few times that I've made this walk that I really need to do something with the bag. It throws my whole body out of alignment. I've known this for quite sometime. And yet, because I haven't done anything to rectify the situation, nature decided to send a clearer message. And I thought I was going to die. I don't know what I did, but I think it involved my right hamstring muscle. It hurts like a @*#(*!. I didn't know what to do. I was standing on the sidewalk in the middle of the city, tears welling up in my eyes, realizing that my train was going to leave in exactly 15 minutes, from half a mile away. So I kept walking. I don't know if this was a good idea or not, but I didn't really see what choice I had. I thought about calling Dave, but decided against it since the only thing he could do would be to say "Um, yeah... good luck with that." He was at work, without a car, and I'm just a freak of nature who injurs herself walking down the street. Anyway... yeah. So... limped to the train station, caught the train just in time, and had a lovely 40 minute pain-free excursion. Then I got to my own station, walked to my car, ready to flop into my car with a big sigh of relief, until I realized (2 seconds too late), that getting into the car hurt, too. Getting out of the car, not much better. I had to cancel my meeting with my dissertation professor because the thought of climbing the flight of stairs from the parking lot to the building made me want to burst in tears. My professor understood. So, I got to lie around in bed studying all afternoon, which isn't so bad. Had a nice dinner with Dave, and then he tried to make me watch (and like) Flash Gordon. When are boys going to learn that I don't like the fantasy movies? Or movies from the 80's? But especially 80's fantasy movies? Anyway... we both fell asleep. I wish he didn't live so far away. It's actually not so far, but the traffic during rush hour is a real pain in the @ss. Sigh.....

Anyway. I felt better this morning when I woke up, but as I climbed out of bed to turn off the alarm, I almost landed on the floor. Just because the leg didn't hurt, doesn't mean that it *works*. Blargh. It's going to be a long day, what with all of the hobbling around....

What’s the difference between kosher salt and table salt?
I know this question has been burning a hole in your brain, so I thought I’d help you out just a little bit.

According to Ed Gibbon, “Kosher salt is the same as ordinary table salt, except it has no additives (no iodine, nothing to make it pour more easily and not lump in humidity). Kosher salt is usually coarse grained, so it's good for salt grinders. The coarse grain also works well for salting meat, and for recipes where you want the salt to show, like on the tops of certain breads and pretzels. Some folks say kosher salt doesn't taste as salty as regular table salt, but that's probably mostly because in a given volume there's less salt in kosher salt than in regular salt, i.e., a cup of regular salt will weigh more and contain more salt than a cup of kosher salt, because the regular salt is finely ground and there's less empty space between the salt crystals. However, I guess it's possible that iodine adds some sort of flavor.

Sea salt is salt that has been made by evaporating sea water. It is mostly the same salt as regular table salt, but it also has many other minerals that are not present in table salt.

Normal table salt is mostly got from salt mines, but is refined to remove other minerals, and usually iodine and some chemical to make it free flowing are added.”

Just, um... thought you'd like to know. :)

There were glo-sticks
Ok, so the 80's movie masquerade party was last night. After entirely too much fretting on my part, and a guilt-inducing tirade from the boy, Gwen finally searched the web for an acceptable costume. Something I could assemble from my own closet without going out and without spending any money. Something cute. something that would not make me look like a trampy hooker. Something from the 80's. That something was Punky Brewster. What? What's that you say? She was in a TV show, and not a movie? I beg to differ. As G discovered, there were in fact 3 movies (that's right, I said 3). So with different colored shirts and socks, a key around my neck and pigtails, I was able to avoid the wrath of the boy who wanted me to wear a costume. And it wasn't so bad. I guess......

And now I get to meet his folks for dinner tonight. I will, um... keep you posted.

Heh
I shaved someone's head this morning....

Happy Almost Halloween
"One Halloween, my sister made a magic wand & she went around giving wishes to all my friends, but when she got glitter on all the candy they yelled at her & she went home crying & later on my mom made me share my candy with her & she was so happy she flung glitter all over & gave me an extra wish I know didn't work because I still have a sister who loves shiny stuff. "
-Brian Andreas

All I want for Christmas is 26 hours in a day....
So.... I just got back from the doctor's office. Last week my bp was high (by my chick-doctor's standards, and her husband is a cardiologist, so I think she's a little conservative in that area). Today, in the gp's office, his nurse got a high bp, too. But when the actual doctor took it, it was 108/76. 120/80 is normal, fyi. Anyway. So... he won't increase my meds because the last time I was on the higher dose, I was getting dizzy spells while driving. And that's no good. So... I don't know what's going on, but my doc said that I have a really weak pulse in my arm. He also said that that's not a bad thing, but it makes it difficult to get an accurate reading. Hm. Anyway. So, basically, I have to check and record my bp every day, at different times, on different machines, and fax him my results after a couple of weeks. And I have to go back to the gym on a regular basis. I don't know how this is going to happen, but apparently my walk to the train station twice a week isn't quite enough exercise to keep things under control. Blargh. I need more time.

Which leads me to my next decision. I'm going to quit my job at the community mental health clinic. I have decided. I'm going to let my supervisor know by the end of the week. Not that that decision will give me any more time (I'm down to only a handful of clients) but it will be one less thing to stress about and try to fit into my schedule. La la la. Paring down the stress. It's all good. I can do this.

The Amazing Neverending Birthday
Gwen, apparently, had the best birthday evaaah. Hurray! It was nice to get away for the weekend, but especially nice because of all the birthday funness. There was butternut squash soup. There was a Mini Mango Buzz Ball. (whoo! yum!) And my lovely friends who humor me often, but especially about this, took me for my swirly margarita before we went to a bar with a jazz trio to celebrate Kevin's birthday. Long-ass metro ride at 1am aside, Saturday was great. But then Sunday... Sunday was even bettah! We had brunch in Georgetown with the best bread and herb-infused olive oil. And then we had to follow up the carb-fest with a giant Friend-Nap, which was followed up with a restorative yoga class in the dining room of G’s house. The teacher actually came to the house. It was awesome. I had never done restorative yoga before, and it was very different from the hatha and kripalu yoga that I’m used to. Then there was more butternut squash soup and smoothies and zucchini sticks with ginger dressing at Health Bar before I had the lovely task of driving home in the rain in the middle of the night. It’s been ages since I’ve been down to DC for a weekend. Very nice….

G- I hope you have as much fun on all your future birthdays.

And I really need to figure out what my obsession is with the butternut squash…..

Today....
it snowed,
I left work early to study for my biopsych exam,
BTB gave me one of those new colored twenty dollar bills,
and it's Henry's birthday.

Henry is Dave's dog. This is an important day for him. And yes, by him... I do mean Dave.
Henry is darn cute, though. For a dog. When he's not eating Dave's clothes in an act of passive agressive jealousy.
Happy birthday, dude.

Anxiety-B-Gone
hey.... You're right. I had posted something here last night, and was criticized for being vague. I've been finding it difficult to decide what to put up here lately. I guess it's that constant battle of deciding what's appropriate, what's too personal, too boring, too many of you have already heard the story, etc. I guess a lot of the things that have been going on lately are personal. And while I generally don't have any problem putting reasonably personal stuff up here, that usually only applies when it's my life, and mine alone, that is involved. So... yeah. I don't know. I guess I just feel the need to explain the lack of quality blogging lately. I have stuff, but it doesn't seem appropriate for this space. I've been here before... I always think that I'll never feel the need to censor myself here, but every once in awhile it just feels wrong. And I guess that's where I am right now. If you're up for some more of the vagueness.....

I did something this morning that was rather difficult for me. But I'm trying to be brave and face my fears and not run away and sit with my anxieties and blah blah babble babble blah. I've decided that I'm just not going to stop feeling anxious about certain things. I'm not. At least not yet. And I'm tired of hiding from them. So this morning I acted like a grownup and did the scary things and asked for what I wanted and needed and had the scary conversations and did what I had to do. And honestly, it wasn't that bad or scary or painful or embarassing or bad. Not that the whole entire thing is over, but the worst part, I think, might be. And I'm grateful for that, but I'm also grateful for having the ability to follow through and deal with it head-on and not stay under the covers until everyone forgot about the issue in the first place. so... yeah. It's nice to come to a place in your life where you decide to not let your fears sit in the driver's seat anymore. This is my life, and this is what I want and need and even though it scared the crap out of me, I did what needed to be done. And all was right with the world once again.....

Me, me, me
I want to go on a hayride
I want to pick apples
I want to brew a giant pot of mulled cider on the stove
I want to burn spicey, appley, cinnamony candles
I want to jump in a big pile of leaves
I want to go to some weird haunted Halloween thing that will scare the living daylights out of me
I want to sit outside and shiver in my pjs and look at the stars until it's too cold and I have to come in
I want to make butternut squash soup
I want to crawl under the flannel-covered down comforter and not come out until I'm good and ready
I want to live in a house with a fireplace
I want to sit in front of that fireplace with a fleece blanket, a giant mug of hot cocoa and a book
and a kitten.

I want to stop procrastinating.

I love fall.

Spastic
My right eye has been twitching for about 2 weeks now. Please help me. Someone. I can't take it anymore.

Fortune Cookie
My fortune cookie over at G's keeps telling me that "Meditation with an old enemy is advised." So then, I thought maybe I had done that, but then realized that I was perhaps meditating ON (as in, about) an old enemy, and I don't think that's what the fortune means. Perhaps the enemy I need to meditate with is myself... to figure out why I keep meditating ON the other thing. Why can't I just get the one about being invited to a karaoke party and be done with it?

Mmm...
I had a nice weekend. This coming week, though... is going to be another story all together. I have midterms and big projects and a presentation on the progress I'm making with my dissertation proposal (ha!). That's going to be a fun one. I don't know.... I guess I should be grateful that this is the first time I've been under this kind of a crunch this semester.... I don't know why I never see it coming. Every semester I cruise along for the first few weeks, thinking that I can handle this, that it's easier than I was anticipating, and look- I CAN still have a life and do this at the same time. And then... and then not so much anymore. What amazes me is that I do this so many times and never seem to learn that it's going to catch up with me and hit me with this seemingly insurmountable pile of *stuff*. Blargh. I see a week of sleep deprivation in my future.....

carnies and puppies and hummus, oh my!
Ay ya. The Boy and Ang met tonight. He's met some incidental friends before, but this was the first of the really close friends. It was fine. I need to learn how to relax (What? Gasp! I know... shocking, isn't it?). Angie wore cute socks, Boy has a cute dog, there was hummus, it's all good.

I need to go to sleep now. it was a long day.... there was a lot of shopping today... lunch with Andrea (angie's friend from college whom I'm trying to adopt as my own friend), craft show carnies, south street. And now the sleep.....

(Oh- and we got a wireless network in the apartment, so we're going to cancel the land line (hello, house of poor grad students). so... use my cell and don't have any emergencies that require you to reach me in the middle of the night, ok? Ok. 'Night......)

Happy Birthday to the person who....
gets excited about punching amish puppets and electric toothbrushes
does the best Old Man voice
always indulges my margarita needs
thinks paddle boating in 40 degree weather is time well spent
always provides the balanced, fair, rational and honest opinion, whether I like it or not
knows when what you really need is a good Muppts song to cheer you up
will still laugh at the phrases "cinnamon crispanos" and "crispy chachos"
is on Grammar Police speed dial when I'm writing important papers
doesn't have a mean bone in her body
is writing a novel that we can't wait to read

has been the most amazing, supportive, creative, funny, intelligent, laid-back, spontaneous, loving friend... for twelve years and counting.....

Happy Birthday, Gwen!

Mwah! Love you!

Six Degrees of an Awkward Situation
So, here's an interesting and slightly disturbing story for you. As we were walking back down the mountain on Saturday, the boy is talking to me about his friend Kate, and Kate's boyfriend Keith. The more he talks, the more I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach until I have to ask what Keith's last name is. And of course, or else I wouldn't be writing about it, it's KeithKeithDeKeith, this guy I went out with once, a couple of weeks before Boy. (By the way, boy's name is dave. We're going to call him that from now on. And he's lurking, so wave and say hi and don't tell any embarrassing stories about me, okay? :) thanks.) So... yeah. Now I'm going to have to go hang out with Kate and KeithKeithDeKeith. Which... ok. One could argue (and it's not really an argument, but more of a fact) that obviously everything worked out for the best for everyone involved.... but it's still a weird situation. Not as weird as if I hadn't figured it out before we all got together for the first time, but still. Dur.

PS.
I almost forgot. The boy is having a party around Halloween... an 80's movie masquerade party, I think? I don't know. I think the point is to dress like a character from an 80's movie and have other people guess who you are? Oy. You all know I hate shit like this. (sorry, but it's true). Not only that, but I haven't seen any 80's movies. I didn't even see the Breakfst Club until I was in college. I have a feeling not going and not dressing up are not options. And so I reach out to you, begging for help and suggestions. Don't let me down.

And it's only Sunday!
Hey hey. I'm really kind of getting into this having a weekend social life thing, you know. I'm not quite sure how it's working, but it seems to be ok so far. Got Indian food delivered Friday night with the boy... mm. Curry. I love curry. I love it even more when it comes to your door while you veg on the couch watching Je0pardy. That's a great service right there.

Yesterday we drove up to NY to go hiking... favorite place on earth, incredible weather, changing leaves. It was a good day. I was exhausted when we got home after midnight, but the good kind of exhausted that lets you sleep really well.

Mm. Yummy weekend. And I still have the whole day today to do stuff. The weekend was a great invention.

What would Brian Andreas say?
"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you."

It had been a little while since our last Storypeople entry....

Cheese Shop Lady
You know when you're eating lunch, and you realize only after it's too late that you might have just eaten something gross? You try to convince yourself that you didn't, but all evidence points to the fact that you did indeed eat something you wish you hadn't. And then you can't finish eating anything because you're disgusted by the other thing and now lunch is just ruined for you, so you go to the cheese shop to wash away the bad memories with one of the best cookies on the face of the planet, and... the cheese shop lady doesn't have any cookies? She does have chocolate croissants, but you only have enough money for a cookie, and it's a cookie that you really want anyway?

Yeah. I hate when that happens.

Gah
I had a dream this morning that I woke up and went to go take a shower and get ready for work. When I stepped into the shower, I saw that someone had taken everything out of my shower- all of the fun girly shower supplies, my clock/CD player, everything. I knew instantly that my twin sister (who in my dream was played by Angie) stole all of my stuff. I called out to her to return my stuff, and she came toward my bedroom with a gun. I slammed the door closed and called the police, but as I was giving them my information, she shot and killed me. But the weirdest part of the dream was that I was present in the dream in two forms. I could see myself lying on the floor at the foot of the bed, but... I could *see* that. So, I was on the floor, but also watching the whole scene. So the me that was watching the scene tried to talk to Angie and talk her out of, well, killing me... but it was also simultneously clear that it had already happened. It was really bizarre.

Three Day Weekend!
When I first started working for John, he told me that I didn't have to work on Jewish holidays. I'm not exactly doing the same job now that I was then, but if he's not working today, I've decided I'm not going in, either. Three day weekend for me! Whoo!

I had a really great weekend. Work on Friday was tough, but then I met the boy at his office and he showed me his observatory and the supercomputer he built. Then, on the way back to his house, we ran into Greg and Carrie, which was very exciting for me. They're the only people I know who live in the city. What are the odds I would run into them on the street? They're both doing well, by the way. Greg's going to be starting his peds rotation at CHOP soon, so maybe I'll run into him more often. Anyway, so... we had drinks with them before I dragged the boy to see Under the Tuscan Sun. He pretended to humor me by going, but in the end... well, I think he didn't hate it. :) I hope. Oh, and there was sushi, too. I love sushi.

On Saturday we went to see Antje open for someone in the city. She was her usual quirky self, but she didn't feel well and took off pretty quickly after her set to head back to NY. I miss her. I have to get up there to spend some quality time with her one of these days.

And then I knocked out my stats take-home exam in about 4 hours (very exciting for me), went back into the city for tv night, and now I have an entire day to watch TS $100,000 that I taped last night, go to the gym (haven't been there in weeks), and get a head-start on the rest of my work for the week. So good. La la la. Slept until 10 this morning. Was wonderful.

And.... to top it all off... there's no more GBC pressure this week! (just kidding. It was fun and challenging. But I'm glad it's over.) Mwah!

Day Four: Lessons Learned from Movies
Ok. Here's the deal. G proposed this topic in part because of my shameful lack of movie knowledge. So... the odds of being able to come up with something that changed my life are slim.

I can tell you that one of my favorite movies is G00d Will Hunting. I don't know if it's just the R0bin Williams thing or the psychology thing or the Ben and Matt thing. But the message that resonated with me was the crazy power of love... about how sometimes we do stupid things that don't make sense to anyone else in the world, but that we can't even comprehend not doing. And about the walls that we build to protect ourselves, and the courage it takes to break down those barriers, take risks, and see what's on the other side.

Plus...when Will gets all smart with the smarmy Hrvard guy in the bar... that's hot.

Day Three-Point-Five: The Games People Play
Ok. This entry really required a significant amount of time and creativity in order to produce something good. I didn't have that kind of time or motivation. It was nice to see that no one else did, either. Except for Lauren. Lauren deserves our respect (or a prize) for being the only one to consistently follow the rules of the challenge.

Whoo!
I don't have a quiz yet. I might skip this task.

However, the most exciting thing just happened. One of my classmates figured out that I do, in fact, have a wireless connection in my laptop, AND... my school, which 99% of the time is the most technologically backwards institution... apparently has wireless technology in all of the buildings.

Which means, of course, that I am sitting in my ethics class right now, updating my blog. So exciting.

Whoo!

Day Two-Point-Five: Earliest Memories
Sorry. I didn't have access to the internet yesterday. I'll catch up.

When I was two, my parents built the house in EP where I grew up. We had been living in the next town over, and as the new house was reaching completion, my parents would go over to look at the progress and clean up the mess that the contractors made.

I have two very clear memories of this time. The first involves me sitting in the dark living room (there were no light fixtures yet), with a bunch of Winnie the P00h stuffed animals and a plastic container of Cheeri0s. I lined all of the toys up along the wall, in the dark, on the blue carpet, and "fed" them Cheeri0s.

My other memory from this time (and it might have been from the same day) might be more of a constructed memory. In *my* memory, my parents took me over to the new house before it was finished. I was following my father upstairs, and a strange man jumped out of the closet in one of the bedrooms. This is a very clear memory for me, standing a few steps below my father, looking up and seeing this guy jump out of the closet. I asked my mother about this memory a couple of years ago, and she laughed and told me the real story. She didn't remember me being in the house at all, but my father was actually downstairs vacuuming, and it was my mother who went upstairs and stumbled across the man in the closet. Apparently, he was a 20 year old kid who had been working on the house, and he had problems with his family and didn't have any place to sleep at night. So he came and slept in our house. When he heard us come in he got scared and hid in the closet. Unfortunately, my mother found him, he scared the living daylights out of her, and she screamed for my father, who couldn't hear her because he was vacuuming. It all got sorted out in the end, with my father holding the kid there until the police came, but they didn't press charges. I still don't know if I was actually there that day, if I saw any of this, or if I just constructed the memory from hearing my parents talk about it later.

What didn't happen to me this weekend:
The Magic Money Fairy did not stop by my house in the middle of the night and throw a giant bag of money at me.

The Diploma Man did not slide a doctorate degree and a published manuscript under my door.

I did not get whisked away to a lovely bed and breakfast in the mountains with a jacuzzi and a fireplace.

I did not get to curl up under a big pile of blankets with a giant mug of hot cocoa and a book and a fluffy cat.

However....
I did get to walk around Philly on a gorgeous Friday evening, see Lost in Translation, have awesome gelato, take the world's best Saturday afternoon nap, get a bit of schoolwork done, make butternut squash soup with ginger and cilantro (bonus points for the boy: he grew the cilantro in a window box on his back deck), which we had with yummy brioche and apple cider, and I woke up to a rather chilly fall morning that prompted me to pull the down comforter out of the closet and wear a sweater to work today. All in all, I had a very lovely weekend.

Anticipation is making me high......
That's a line from a k.d. lang song called Summer Fling. I didn't like the song when it was released, I didn't like it as it was played all summer in some misguided tribute to the title, and I'm thoroughly annoyed with the fact that those lyrics have been surging through my brain ever since Gwen released the topics for the GBC. Durn it, G!

And the ironic thing (ok, it is not in fact irony, but instead just something that sucks, as if I were stuck in my very own alanis song)... is that anticipation *doesn't* make me high. Anticipation makes me anxious. And sometimes a little neurotic.

It just occured to me that all of the things I have been anticipating lately are things that involve me putting forth some kind of performance for others to judge. I have exams every week in school. I have assessments at CHOP where my supervisor sits behind a one-way mirror and critiques my skills. Those things will only continue to get more challenging as I start working on my dissertation and face comprehensive exams and clinical internships.

Also, tonight I get to meet the boy's friends. The way he talks about his friends feels very much like the way we talk about our friends. Which is very cool, by the way. However... when you have a group of friends like that, their opinions take on a certain level of importance when it comes to bringing new people into the fold. Take, for example, just off the top of my head (ahem)... my graduation weekend. First impressions *are* important. Now, the boy seems to like me, and his dog likes me....so there's really no reason for me to suspect that his friends won't... because really, what's not to like? ;) At the same time, though, I feel a little bit like I'm on display, and that's where the anxiety mixes with the anticpation.

I need to learn how to relax. I know this. I mean... if I really stop and think about these things... I know I'm going to do well on my exams, get my dissertation finished and approved, pass my comps, yada yada yada. And I know his friends will like me. So I need to take a baseball bat to the Voice of Insecurity. I don't believe half of what she says anyway.

I am excited that he invited me over to meet his friends tonight.... :)

Yup....
So... had something of a psychedelic freakout meltdown last night. Despite my best efforts to sabotage the situation, I couldn't quite manage to scare away the boy. Yet. Perhaps he'll feel differently about it in the daylight, but as of 2am this morning, he seemed to not be going anywhere. And I think we've moved out of the "going on a date" phase to "dating." Because there is a difference. Apparently.

Is a little bit scary, on many levels. But fun, too. Can't forget the fun. Sometimes I forget the fun because I'm worrying too much. Gotta get that reversed a little bit.

My brain feels fluffy....
Hi. My brain hurts. Three hours of inferential statistics drains the life out of me.

Not much to report. Watched Casablanca for the first time this weekend. Also finally sent in my form to change my party affiliation on my voter registration to actually reflect my beliefs. Got a lot of work done over the weekend so I can go out with astrophysicist boy tomorrow night. He just got back from vacation. He has pictures to show me... of the Grand Canyon and Sedona. Which... well. We'll see how that goes....

The Q Word
I told my boss this morning that I've been thinking about leaving my job. I've been thinking about this for awhile. Friends have been encouraging it. I had no intention of having this conversation with my boss today, but it came up. I wasn't prepared. I didn't say things as eloquently as I would have liked. I used the q word. "Leaving" sounds so much better than "quitting." I don't want to quit. I just need to be working fewer hours and making more money. Which I could do if I had client hours and not admin hours. He knows this. I know this. Everyone knows this. But it isn't happening. So.... I'm moving farther in the direction of taking out a personal loan and leaving my job. School needs to be my first priority right now. It just does. I need more time to sleep. I need time to pee. I need lunch money. These things are not happening right now. I'm not getting any sleep, I don't have time to pee, and I had to skip lunch yesterday, not because I was too busy, but because I had no money.

I think I need to quit my job.
I'm not happy with this decision, and will probably try to delay it as long as possible. But....I think... I might have to do it.

ack. Is scary decision to have to make.

I'd prefer no dreams at all.....
I had a nightmare this morning in which I was living in a big old Victorian house in a city. I owned the house and lived there by myself. It was night. Someone was visiting me. It might have been my father. I didn't want the person to leave because I knew that there was another person who was stalking me and trying to kill me. I knew this, but I didn't know where the stalker was, what was going to happen, how it was going to happen, etc. I didn't want my guest to leave, but I also didn't want to tell him what was happening. Eventually the person left, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before the stalker attacked. I was terrified, all the time. I didn't know if it was safe to open the door, turn a corner, go upstairs, stay downstairs, turn off a light. As I started walking up the stairs to go to bed, I saw the stalker's face in the window on the first floor.

And then I woke up. I *love* that school does this to me. Sigh.

Oh. School. I got a 100 on my stats test tonight! Hurrah! I only know this because I turned in my test 15 minutes before anyone else, and the prof stood at her podium grading it. That was excruciating... knowing what she was doing. Afraid to look up at her for any telling signs of how I did. And then she held it up for me to see. Hurrah! Maybe I'll get one good night of sleep tonight. :)

www.shhh.com

I'm stressed out. I get neurotic when I'm stressed out. Hence the previous entry. I've often said that I shouldn't be allowed to blog when I'm tired or angry, and perhaps I should add stressed out to that list as well. Either way, you can't give me a hard time on my own blog, Carl, or else you'll have to pay the chocolate tax again. So... shush. If I can't be neurotic and stressed out among my friends, where can I do it?

School is harder than I was anticipating right now. Part of what is making it hard is that I don't have enough time to prepare for my classes the way that I would like to. The way that I need to. Also, because I'm just starting my internship, there have been a lot of training sessions scheduled at times I'm not normally scheduled to be there, which basically means that I've been having to take off more days from my regular job than usual. Which means no paycheck. And when you come home and find a thin envelope from your bank, you know that there is nothing good inside. Thank god for overdraft protection, but... I need to stop overdrawing my account. I've been having a hard time falling asleep at night. I'm stressed about school and work and money and my boss and the boy and making everything work.

I don't know how to make this all work.
I think I may have taken on more than I can handle......

Raise your hand if you're neurotic!

Well, the boy is on vacation now, which means I probably won't see him for about two weeks. Two weeks is a long time when it's new and exciting. However, I'm also grateful for the time. It will help me put this in perspective and not get too carried away too quickly. Also... we've spent so much time talking this week that I fear we're starting to enter the Land of Really Personal Information. We've exhausted many of the superficial topics. We've talked about Howard Dean, evolutionary genetics (ok, he talked, I listened), dogs, our mutual disgust over zoos and carriage rides through the city, our career and educational paths, and my shocking lack of knowledge about the City of Brotherly Love. So what else is there to talk about without getting into the really personal stuff? The Past Relationships, the family, the hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities?

On the one hand, those conversations feel a little bit premature at this point. I don't want to scare him away. I don't want to burden him with my issues and regale him with stories of the people who caused the issues in the first place. But on the other hand... I feel like to not tell him those things is to keep a big part of myself hidden from him. If he's going to stick around for awhile he needs to know those things. And if he knows those things and wants to bolt, then I want to know that. So.... aargh.

I simultaneously love and hate the newness of this. It's exciting and fun and scary all at the same time. I am having fun. Don't misunderstand me. But I'm also neurotic as hell. You all know that. So it's good that he's away this week and I can be neurotic here, and on the phone, and not in his presence. Hopefully by the time he gets back I can be all poised and confident and not terrified that he'll run for the hills when he gets to know more about me. Blargh. I don't know why I have that fear. He has shown no signs of preferring superficiality. I think he likes me. I think I like him. I want to get to know him better. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of letting him get to know me better.

Mm. My head is spinning. Had an incredible date with astrophysicist boy last night. I'm trying really hard not to get too excited about this yet, because I really have no idea where it's going, but... the truth is that I am getting excited. And I think he is, too.

and now he's on vacation for a week. Must exercise patience. Have no other choice. :)

Is it a Guy Thing?

My taste in movies is a little bit like my taste in television shows. As in, I'm slightly embarassed to admit what I watch. I still watch Friends. Put Julia Roberts in a movie and I'm there. That kind of thing. Not exactly the gold standards in their fields. I can't help it. I like fluff. 90% of the time, this affects no one but myself. However, when someone else wants to discuss movies or even worse, watch a movie with me, it becomes a problem. Take Astrophysicist Boy, for instance. He loves Gross Pointe Blank. I've seen GPB. It didn't do anything for me. I saw it with a boy. I think I saw it with Scott. Many people list it among their all-time favorites. I just don't understand this phenomenon. Did I miss something? Is it a guy thing? Is it just me? Am I going to have to sit through this movie again and either pretend to like it or risk offending him with my expression of disapproval?

Also... can I take a nap yet? I really need to take a nap.

alone in the office

Last night, my boss left a message on my voicemail at home. He was calling from the emergency room. He had a heart attack yesterday. I think he's ok. I came into the office 2 hours early this morning to take care of things, cancel his appointments, etc. But now I'm just sitting here in the office all by myself, listening to the radio, listening to news about 9/11 memorial services, feeling very alone in the office, contemplating what's going to happen, making phone calls to notify people and fielding calls from patients who want to know what's going on with John. Two years ago I was sitting in this same chair, alone in the office, making phone calls trying to locate friends, parents of friends, and fielding phone calls from patients. What is it about this day?

Today is Heidi's birthday. She has always been the most patriotic of my friends... the one who gets teary when someone sings the national anthem. I'm sorry that she will always have sadness associated with her birthday.

sigh....

And we're back....

The comments. They're back! I have to admit I didn't think that was going to happen. I was certain that this system was taking the route of every commenting system I have ever used and just dying after it gets too popular to support itself. How great to be wrong for once! Go Yaccs!

Anyway. So...things went pretty well last night, I think. Don't want to get too excited yet, but.... I had fun. I have to learn to stop completely freaking out 15 minutes before the date, though, because... then I just sound ridiculous and get all worked up for no good reason. And it really was for no good reason. Dinner was good, we walked around the city for what felt like hours, he was indeed able to point out Mars to me, and I think I'm going to see him again on Friday. I did find out, however, that he googled me, so I have to be careful about what I say on here. Fortunately, all he found was something about a TMBG song from college. Which he got a kick out of, being a TMBG fan himself. Of course he is. Let's not go there yet, though. :)

Anyway. Yeah. So... ay. We'll see. Am a happy camper, though.

I'm guessing he can show me Mars.....

Ack! What does one wear for a day that starts out with working at a desk, progresses to working with small kids (read: PlayDoh and sitting on the floor), then a couple hours of class, and then finishes up with a date with an astrophysicist? Dear lord. I haven't got a clue. My favorite first date outfit isn't appropriate for play therapy. My play therapy clothes aren't flirty enough for a date. And my dead comments won't allow you all to help me anyway!

crap.

Cross your fingers, though. This one has potential.

Pope of Sleepytown

heh heh heh. Don't want to jinx anything, so I'll just have to keep you posted. Am excited, though. Heh. :)

Breakin the rules

I'm 5'9" for crying out loud. That's not freakishly tall. So why... yeah- you know where this is going.

Why?? Again. I'm like a magnet.

I have mastered the train and Au Bon Pain...

I had a little psychedelic freakout on the phone last night... I was in a funk because it felt like everything was going wrong. You know those moods... when you can find something wrong with absolutely everything on the planet?

G: I didn't get bitten by a rabid kitten or a crack dealer when I walked home last night. That's a good thing, right?
Me: (whiny, crying) But you live on a street with rabid kittens and crack dealers!!!

Yeah, that kind of mood. Anyway... I went to sleep and woke up feeling much better about the world. And now I feel the need to apologize to the universe for being in such a funk. So here are some things that make me happy, and things that I am grateful for:

My friend did not get bitten by a rabid kitten or a crack dealer.
The weather today was amazing.
My background checks came back from the state in time for me to start my internship on Monday.
I found someone with Office disks that I can borrow to make my laptop functional
I got a lot of work done today.
I had a very yummy dinner made primarily with local produce I picked up from a farm market yesterday.
My bathroom is clean.
All the bills are paid.
It's almost time for sweaters and soup.
My grandparents just gave me a vacuum cleaner because my old one died. Dust bunnies be gone!
HW picked out gorgeous bridesmaids dresses for us. yay! No bows!
My cousin is going to have a baby any day now. Everyone thinks it's going to be a girl.
My parents both seem to be extraordinarily happy these days.
Jason didn't get hurt because he was wearing leather pants.
The monkeys will cause damage! The monkeys will cause damage!
I remember enough from my days as a biology major to make the first 2 weeks of my biopsych class tolerable.
I start my internship on Monday.
I have more faith in the future than I sometimes let on.
Ang wants me to say that my hair is long and shiny and swingy. :)
I have a bruise on my leg from getting caught in my backpack on Tuesday, and I'm ok with telling you that.
Tr@der Joe's honey roasted soy nuts. Yum.
I thought I wanted to do something stupid, but then realized that I didn't.
In the process, I realized that I am happier than some other people out there. I hope they figure things out someday.
I'm glad that I figured things out, even if the process to getting here wasn't exactly my choice.
Things are good.
Very good.
So good that I am going to crawl under the covers...with the window open and the cricket sounds.... and the cool air and comfy bed and.... yawn......

Yay! I got my new laptop yesterday. Hurrah! Not that I can do anything with it until I find someone with Office disks that I can "borrow." It was kind of a letdown to tear the box open and then suddenly realize that all I could do with it was make the wallpaper pretty. I now own $1300 wallpaper. Go me.

Anyway. Yeah. Weather was nice today. Beautiful. Starting to feel like fall. It's kind of amazing how that happens as soon as you flip the calendar over to September. The change in weather was pretty instantaneous. It's chilly in the mornings and at night, but during the day it's still nice enough to sit outside for lunch. In typical fall fashion I've been feeling nostalgic lately. Missing people I wish I didn't miss...things that are no longer a part of my life. Part of me wants to revive those things... the other part of me wants to bash a brick through my skull for even thinking about it. I'll opt to let it go for now and see if the feelings stick around.

But I'm missing all of you guys, too. I wish we all lived closer... wish that after I sit in front of a book for the next 3 hours that someone would throw me into their car and drive me to get an ice cream cone from that place near the airport in Lanc@ster.... the place where you can get a soft-serve cone dipped in the chocolate stuff that turns hard as it dries..... my dad used to take me there at night in the summers when I was a kid....

Wait- was it a cooked chicken or a live chicken?

Hi. Ack! No time for anything! I rarely go this long without blogging. No one else is blogging this week, either, which is simultaneously a relief (no pressure to keep up) and sad (what's going on with y'all?) And where are my comments??

Anyway... so, I had more training at CHOP on Tuesday. I'm getting excited. I'm starting to figure out the whole train-bus-walking thing. Sat in a big training session all day listening to all the benefits that CHOP employees get, from transit checks to professional development courses to a free locksmith service when you lock your keys in your car. And then they told us that basically, interns are exempt from most of these things because we're not real employees.... That's right... we're not real employees because we're working for free. The least you could do is unlock my car when I can't get in because I'm so freakin exhausted from maintaining this schedule that I can't keep track of my personal belongings. sheesh. Anyway. I mean... yeah, I'm excited! I am, really. I can't wait to start actually working there. Whee!

Other than that...not too much to report. I don't think anyone here is interested in discussing statistics or the biological bases of human behavior, and that's what has been consuming my life this week. Terribly interesting, no? Now my ethics class on the other hand... there's some interesting stuff. Where else could you have a discussion about determining the fair market value for bartering a chicken for psychological services?

ah.... sweetness. Spent the whole day at Gre@t Advnture yesterday, with people who... get this... LIKE roller coasters (gasp!) It was so, so good. And I am such an adrenaline junkie. We stood in line for 2 hours for the new Supermn coaster.... the one where it suspends you horizontally like you're flying.... It was a decent ride, but didn't really do it for me. Standing in line for 2 hours, also not so much fun. Although, we played improv games and amused the people around us, I'm sure. But then...after dinner, we found Nitro, and the line was only about 45 minutes. We decided to wait for the first row. That was the best decision we made all day, I think. Definitely my favorite roller coaster at the park. Probably the tallest drop I've seen... and the most vertical. It was great. The park closed at 10 last night, and the plan was to hit all of our favorites again before we left. Mother Nature was not so much a fan of this idea, however, and around 8:00 all of the big rides closed down because of lightening. Lightening Schmightening, I say. We wandered around, the only things to do were throw your money away on overpriced food or games where the winner gets to take home a giant flourescent green shark the size of a middle school student. Who wants that crap? Anyway... we were deciding on whether or not to pack it in and go home, or wait it out and see if they started the rides again. I asked the friends if they wanted to go on the sucky rides like the swings, they said not so much, I asked if we *could* go on the sucky rides like the swings, because I kind of wanted to, and they obliged. We walked around some more. We sat on these odd barrel foot massagers things, which really creeped me out... defeated, we were ready to go home.

But then....then we saw a very tall blond guy.... running....at top speed... towards Nitro. We jumped off the massagers, which were still buzzing away on the 75 cents we fed them... and we ran....and other people started to run, and we ran all the way to the gate of Nitro, through the line, up the stairs, and onto the very next ride. The people who were still there... who waited out the storm, and who ran from all parts of the park to get back on Nitro... those are the people you want to hang out with. They were so excited. They were cheering for the people who got on the cars... they cheered for the people who came back into the station, they were so excited to be on this ride, in the dark, with the lightening still flashing above us, with the knowledge that there were still hundreds of people throwing their money at giant green sharks, oblivious to the fact that the roller coasters were back on. That ride was great... flying through the air, in the dark, with the lights from the park glowing and the faint outline of mountains in the distance. It could only be topped by the very next ride, after we ran down the ramp, dodged the meandering people, ran back to the gate, through the cue, and waited to get the front row of seats again on Nitro. That ride...scariest thing I've ever experienced at an amusement park. Also, the best roller coaster experience ever. I can't even explain in words the sheer terror of being in that front row, coming to the edge of the first drop, looking down and *not* being able to see the track, but knowing from experience that it is the steepest, tallest drop you've ever seen. That was the rush I needed... the one I didn't get at Supermn. I would have been so content to have that be the last ride, but the others wanted to do Supermn again, in the dark. We powerwalked it to the other side of the park, 15 minutes before closing, ran into the cue, rode the last ride. Tried to race to one more before closing, but found all the lines chained.

I love roller coasters. I love the biggest, fastest, scariest roller coasters the best. It was so nice to be with people who share this amusement park goal. Also nice to be with people who understand the importance of getting there early, staying late, getting the most bang for your buck, and who will RUN to get to the best rides. Where have these people been all my life? :)

Yup. That was my official last act of summer. It's me and the books from here on out. So not as exciting as hurling yourself through the night at 80 miles an hour with only a yellow piece of plastic pinning you to your seat.