Fighting Depression: It’s Just for a Moment

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Started September 2018

Yesterday I met a good friend at our local rock climbing gym for an early morning workout. Hopefully this will become a regular thing! Towards the end of our workout, she asked me how I’m doing. I told her that I’m dong really well physically but I still have my moments, but at least not days, of emotional meltdowns. I said that I feel like things are getting better emotionally because they are just moments, not days. She commented that she liked that thought, and that she, too, had her moments. She lost her husband to cancer 6 months ago (after a 2.5 year battle of stage 4 colon cancer). They have 5 kids–ages 15 to about 22. She said that she feels like she is also healing more because the emotional breakdowns are more like moments, too.

For me, I feel like when my breakdowns settle down to moments instead of a day or days, I’m seeing a lot of improvement! Its something worth recognizing and giving myself a pat on the back about. I also try to point this out to my loved ones, too, so we all can recognize that this post-partum depression is fading.

It’s interesting that when overcoming a depressing time, I’ve found it so healing to be forgiving, loving, honest, and truthful with myself. I do find myself getting angry with others more quickly. So I also need to be more apologetic, patient, humble, and loving towards them, too.

The power of Jesus Christ’s atonement is so applicable in getting through depression. For one thing, I need His grace and strength. For another, I unintentionally hurt others when I’m depressed and so I need to utilize the atonement to repent and come clean with the Lord and repair my relationships with others.

This, too, shall pass. It will only be for a moment.

Repent

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My 14 yo son just wrote a story for his HS literature class. He asked me if I could post it to my blog so he can easily share it with others. Here it is!

Repent

Frigus, 19 years old with bright yellow eyes, white hair and tan skin, was considered the most ruthless soldier in the Glatian army. The rumors about his ruthlessness were that the Destertum took the only things that he had: his copy of Documentary Glatian and his family. By taking his family and his prized book, something was brooding inside him. He could feel it but he couldn’t make out what it was. But he knew it caused him to have a hotter temper.

The Documentary Glatian consists of all the information known to the human race. Documentary Glatian: Desertum are a people who have no human blood in them but look identical to humans, and reside on the desert planet Calidi in Sector 24.

Frigus’ family consisted of one brother, one sister, and his parents. Originally, all Glatians were humans from the planet Earth, but broke off from Earth’s government and started their own new government. Before the Glatians broke off from Earth, Frigus’ father was a general in the exploration of Glatia, an ice-covered planet in Sector 8. Ice caves throughout Glatia provide suitable conditions to sustain life. Frigus’ father decided to settle down, bring his family, and start a new life there.

At 2:30 on Planet 4 of Sector 8, Frraztec, a geneticist, called Frigus. Immediately Frigus put on his military uniform and ran the two miles across Colonization Group 424 on the planet Glatia to the lab. There he found the anxious Frraztec. With the wave of an arm, Frraztec ordered Frigus to follow him.

For the last month, Frraztec was wondering why Frigus had a hot temper so he was running many tests on Frigus.

           “We’re going to put you into that scanner so it will give us the answers to all the tests that I’ve given you the past month” Frraztec told him smoothly.

           Frigus stepped obediently into the scanner. Once in, a bunch of needles and chords that weren’t there before shot into him, paralyzing him temporarily.

           “Don’t freak out,” said Frraztec reassuringly, “this procedure will take 24 hours. I gave you somnum to sleep through this.”

           Frigus awoke at the sound of the humming of the “scanner” bringing him into the lab.

Suddenly Frraztec walked into the room and said, “sorry to lie to you. This was a classified operation and it still is, so don’t tell anyone. Swear to me Frigus!”

Frigus knew he wouldn’t be let out of the room unless he swore so he repeated after Frraztec. “I will never let myself be wandering without permission under the light reflected by the moon and to not tell anyone about my meetings in the lab.”

Then Frraztec smiled and directed Frigus outside under the moonlight. Suddenly he felt different. Frigus felt like he needed to eat. He turned around and looked at the scientist who trembled and ran to the door. Frraztec froze. He knew what he had created and that now he would only be a meal to Frigus, who had morphed into were-wargul.

           Documentary Glatian: Warguls are creatures that have the sleek body of a wolf, the bulk and jaws of a hippo, and the ferociousness and mercy of a volcano.

           Frraztec’s team of scientists rushed to the windows to admire their handiwork. When they reached the windows they saw nothing except glass shattering. They lasted no longer than Frraztec. The screams of the scientists ran through the research cavern of Glatia.

           Licking his teeth, Frigus turned back into his human form and ran for an electric sled heading straight to where his family once lived.

           Hate is a parasite that Frigus didn’t desire, but he had it. It had formed in his blood, and drove him mad. Hate had given him the desire to kill. But Hate couldn’t control him going where he grew up—home.

           Sitting down, Frigus started crying, trying to control the monster inside him.

“Why does this have to be me? I didn’t want any of this to happen!” Frigus screamed inside his mind.

Then the cold voice of Hate sneered, “you will be powerful and you can have everything just by threatening people to give you what you want.”

Frigus yelled, “No! I won’t kill any more innocent people! And I won’t….”

Hate screamed, “You will obey me and you will be king of this planet and many others if you only give in.”

This went on for quite some time before.

           “Okay,” said Frigus. Getting up and wiping away his tears, he asked, “Alright, what do I do?”

           “Tell General Nolick that you’ll be on his side no matter what.”

           “Okay” Frigus said walking to the electric sled. “I should have just listened to you in the first place and should not have fought back. I’m sorry.”

           “Don’t say that. Just follow my orders and everything will turn out fine.”

           Frigus, in his human form, arrived at Colonization Group 003 to counsel with General Nolick.

           “What you’re saying is that if we take out the Desertum quickly by going straight for the capital, we will lose less people so we can colonize the planet easier?” said Nolick.

           “Precisely,” Frigus said. “And….” He turned into his were-wargul form to present his power to General Nolick, startling him.

“Don’t fear me, I will only serve you, my general,” said Hate.

           “You just surprised me. I’m sure you’ll be very helpful. I’ll make sure you’re treated well,” Nolick said with a hint of fear in his voice. “I’ll send my fleet straight for the desert planet, Calidi.”

           Documentary Glatian: Hate is a parasite, that, if genetically, altered can make an individual into two different beings.

           In the army’s space shuttle, Frigus realized the trap, which he had fallen into. And realizing what Hate had done to him. Hate had set him on a course to destroy the desert planet of Calidi. Fighting as hard as he could, he told Hate, “you will leave me and I will host you no more!”

           Hate screamed, “you will always be MINE and I will ALWAYS have control over you, and there is NOTHING you can do about it.”

           “I will do something about it,” Frigus thought, fighting himself all the way to the communication system. Frigus messaged the leader over Calidi, princess Ingara , “Make preparations of war. The Glatians are coming.”

Hate fought and fought and told him, “NO, you MUST follow me. Do not press Send. Do not warn them. You will be great. I promise this only if you follow my orders.”

           With all his might, Frigus pressed down on the Send icon and went towards the ship’s bay. On the way to the ship’s bay, he noticed the ship’s main wiring system. Opening it up, he found a bunch of labeled wires. Out of all the wires, one of them was labeled “Cannons.” Taking hold of his chance, Frigus ripped out the wire, ran to the ship bay, jumped into a fighter ship, departed from the ship bay, and warped to Calidi.

           Getting permission to land Frigus gently docked his ship and walked out of the shuttle. Striding up to the gate and asked if he was able to access the city and asked if he could talk to Ingara. Once Ingara heard Frigus’ requests put aside her meetings for the day and told the gatekeepers to open the gate and let Frigus in. For an hour Frigus told Ingara, the princess of Calidi, what he had in him and why he stopped. He sent the warning why he hated the Desertum right when he made that remark,

Ingara told him, “Your parents set up an escape plan with me and took your book so we could have information about the human nature and your planet. The parasite, Hate, that you have in you was running around on your planet for a long time, and I know how to get it out of you and send it to a different planet. I obtained this knowledge because I also had Hate within me when I was a little girl. My parents figured out how to extract it from me and send it off to a different planet. We thought that Glatia was the best planet for that because it had very little life on it. But we were wrong. Will you accept my invitation to remove your Hate and also my apology for what happened to you?”

“I accept and forgive you. I misunderstood your intentions with my family,” said Frigus, “but first we need to defend your planet.”

Once the space shuttles came battle lasted only an hour. Due to the Desertum’s continuous preparations, they quickly fought off the army of Glatia.

The treatments to get Hate out of Frigus went very well and were successful. After they removed Hate, they sent Hate back to Glatia, removed everyone from Glatia, and renamed Glatia an out-of-bounds planet.  

Not long after Frigus healed Ingara held celebration for thanking Frigus for warning them and for her people being safe from harm. The celebration lasted 12 hours and at the end of the party Ingara announced that they will have a new counsel-men and when Frigus heard his name called he accepted the position as a counsel-men. Over the next 4 years Ingara noticed Frigus’ decisions and decided to make him her king and soon after the wedding that was when Frigus fully repented.

 

Fighting Depression: When I’m Stuck

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In the past two weeks, I’ve had a couple of days when I’m stuck in the downward spiral of self-defeating thoughts. One of these episodes happened yesterday, the other about two weeks ago. It starts with some negative thoughts that attack me somehow. These episodes were about my self-image (since I’ve gained weight with both of these pregnancies/miscarriages that I can’t take off). I try to fight it with a lot of things. But sometimes, I just can’t fight it. I just cry–a lot. I can’t get out of the house. I can’t face other people. I know I need to do something to get out of this hell so I try little things. But for a day or two, I keep swinging from being able to try to crashing back into an emotional meltdown.

I hope others have felt like this before. When I talk with friends who deal with depression, I get the impression they have days like this, too. When I’m stuck, it feels like hell. My mind is racing with all these lies about myself. I feel like I’m in a dark place. I feel bound by invisible chains that want to keep me down. And I hate it. I hate myself for getting there and I hate being there. I want to get out.

So I fight. I pray. I get up when I want to stay down. I dry my tears…even though they come back a few minutes later. I try to do something–anything–to get out of that hell-hole. Often it starts with baby steps.

I pull out my scriptures and try to bring the light of Christ into my soul. I’ll often find some words of comfort somewhere. I usually don’t read where I’ve been reading but I’ll try to let the Spirit guide me.

I try to remember who I am…who my eternal self is…a beloved daughter of God.

I try to take care of myself and my kids. Eating a meal, taking a nap, playing a game with my kids, trying to serve them. (And, yes, sometimes it ends up in me being overwhelmed by them and needing to put myself in a time out…or I nag at them about the house being a mess, because I really haven’t been on my mom-A-game the last few hours and things fall apart). But when I can’t face others, I need to get outside of myself and try to serve someone…and it can be really sweet to just sit with my kids and cuddle with the younger ones or have a heart-to-heart with my older ones, or try to help them muddle through their sorrows.

I try to exercise. I know that adrenaline is like a natural anti-depressant so I try to get that endorphin pumping. Sometimes exercise works and sometimes it doesn’t–because I have scoliosis and a week core, I can’t just put on a pair of tennis shoes and go running out the door or else I will pay for it with back pain for a few weeks–and other forms of cardio are just too much effort when I’m trying to get un-stuck. Like biking or swimming (I would have to show my face at the gym) or fitness classes.

When I really can’t do much for myself, I ask for a Priesthood blessing. Those can help me hear the word of the Lord when I’m having a hard time distinguishing the voice of the Spirit amidst the war of thoughts and feelings going on inside of me. A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded in a blessing that my body is still going through a re-balancing of hormones and that I just need to let that run its course. Too bad in my case, those hormones are somehow connected to my thoughts and emotions and when they need to re-balance, they bring out the worst stuff in my mind. Argh!!! But the good thing is that it reminds me that my body is in a temporary state of turmoil and that once things return to normal levels, I shouldn’t experience such drastic, almost bi-polar, emotions and depressive thoughts. Have patience…

I try to recognize what it is that is bringing me down and take some sort of action to remedy it. Yesterday, a local fitness instructor came to my husband’s office for treatment. He spoke with her about being a personal trainer for me. He felt like her coming in yesterday was an answer to prayer. It helped me see that he’s watching out for me. Sometimes I realize that I need to make an important change in my life, let something go that gives me anxiety, or repent of something.

If I’m exhausted, I try to get some sleep. If I’m overwhelmed and overly stressed, I try to look at my life and eliminate the unnecessary and excessive activities.

I try to go outside for some sunshine. While I’m out there, sometimes I pull weeds. There’s something about pulling weeds that is therapeutic. It’s probably because I’m doing something small and easy but beautifying, and I’m also removing something invasive from my yard. Depression feels like that–like it’s invading my life. And I want my life back.

I try to go to the temple, or at least make a plan when I can go to the temple next. Once I go, I receive strength that stays with me for at least a couple of weeks.

Yesterday, Rob asked me what helps me the most to get out of those depressive days. If I can do any of those things above, they help. But the thing that always helps me the most is facing it. And for me, that is letting all the depressive, negative, self-defeating thoughts and emotions out. Two weeks ago, I wrote it all out in my journal. Getting it out on paper helped somehow just helped me get it out of my mind. Sometimes as I’m writing, I can see the lies that I believe while they are in my head. When I can recognize the truth from the error, I can come to a more settled state. Eventually, I have peace in my heart again. Yesterday, I spilled all my anguish out on Rob. He was amazing and took it all. I was afraid I was going to make him upset with some of the things I said. Some of the negative things I was thinking yesterday were about our relationship. But maybe that’s why working with a therapist helps people overcome depression. We have to get these negative feelings OUT. If we keep them bottled up inside, they tear us up…or we turn to coping measures to deal with them.

So I felt like I should write about this today–while my most recent episodes of feeling depressed and stuck are fresh. I hope this will help someone.

What are some other positive things you do to try to get un-stuck? Or some things that work like therapy for you?

Among friends and family, I’ve found out that these activities help them: hiking in nature, horseback riding, taking care of horses, crafting, massage, serving others, exercising, cleaning, writing letters to the people they are upset with but never sending them (like in a journal), a gratitude journal, decluttering the house

Fighting Depression: Emotions are Just Information

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*I’m going to write a series, in no particular order, about fighting depression. This is mostly based off of my personal experience of fighting depression. I believe that it can be fought and someimes cured. I believe that there are many things we can actively do to minimize the depression we feel. I believe that the best path for healing is when we turn to the Lord, ask His guidance, plead for his help during our low and our high times, and act on every good impression He gives us. Each person’s healing and path will be different from another’s. I also believe that medication is a necessary tool for many people in their battle of depression. Whether or not they can get off of it is between them and the Lord. I’ve had two relatives who committed suicide after they got off of their anti-depressants, so I do recognize that anti-depressants really are life-savers.

Emotions are just information. I read that somewhere several years ago and it stuck with me. One time when I was talking with a friend on the phone, who was depressed about some things going on in her life, I mentioned that line to her and she thanked me so much for that.

If emotions are just information then…

  • we can try to figure out what our emotions are telling us.
  • we can get to the root of the emotion, and if we are able to address the issue, we can fix it (if it’s in our power to fix) or let it go (if we have no control over the issue).
  • sometimes we can just allow the emotions to wash over us, feel what we need to feel, and then they go away on their own just as they came. (I actually learned this from a parenting book.)
  • we don’t have to feel shame or ashamed by them!
  • they can help guide our lives.
  • we can always turn to the Lord to help us figure out the information our emotions are trying to tell us.

If emotions are just information, then we can try to figure out what our emotions are telling us. When we can recognize what emotion we are feeling and why, we can get to the root of the emotion and fix it or let it go.

There are tons of emotions out there. But when we can figure out what they are telling us, it’s easier for us to deal with those emotions. It’s also important to recognize that some emotions are secondary emotions–they just cover up the emotions we are trying to hide. We all try to hide some of our true emotions because they make us feel weak or vulnerable. I’ll give a few examples (mainly the ones I deal with the most). But there are many more.

Frustrated–This usually means that something isn’t going the way I expected it to happen. I’m currently out of control of the situation and it’s bothering me. I can evaluate if this is a problem I can fix and try to fix it (can I regain control of the situation?) or let it go (is this a problem out of my control?). Example one: the chores aren’t getting done in the home. I can tackle that problem with better home management. Example two: Certain political policies drive me crazy when I take time to think about them. I can’t control the policies so it’s best if I just let go of my frustration with them.

Anxiety–This covers a few emotions. For me, this means something’s not right, I’m overwhelmed, I’m stressed, my hormones are out of balance. If something’s not right, I usually feel anxiety until I figure out what that thing is. Once I figure that out, then I can address it and the anxiety lessens or dissipates. If I’m overwhelmed, sometimes I need to eliminate something from my life, delegate, or lower my expectations. When I’m stressed, I sometimes just need to take a deep breath and tell myself that once I get past this large task or series of urgent tasks, things will get better and less stressful. When my hormones are out of balance (think post-partum or PMS), I just try to give myself some grace and hope that things will get better, even if I’m unpredictable for a time. And they do get better.

Jealousy–This is an emotion that’s harder to recognize because it’s usually expressed in other ways. Like fairness–“it’s your turn to change the poopy diaper.” Or competition–“I could do that better than you.” Or resentment–“Why won’t the kids go to bed for me when he’s already kissed them goodnight and he’s already watching his YouTube videos? I want my down time, too.” The other problem with jealousy and these companion emotions is that they sometimes cover another emotion like feeling vulnerable, unliked, or weak. This is one where I recently learned how to let go–and it’s made such an amazing difference in my 

Anger-This is another one of those secondary emotions that is covering a different emotion that’s kind-of hiding from us. I say kind-of, because, deep down, I believe we really know what we are feeling we just don’t want to admit it to ourselves. Once again, those feelings are like being vulnerable, out-of-control of the situation, being unliked or unaccepted, being weak, feeling resentment, feeling unequal, feeling less important, feeling dumb or incompetent, feeling sad, grieving over a loss–any loss, shame, ashamed. If we can get past the anger and identify the emotion we really are feeling, then we’ve come a long way! We can also go apologize to the person/people we hurt while we are angry and say, “I’m sorry I did/said that. I’m really just feeling so _____.” It’s amazing how opening up like this mends a relationship that was hurt in anger.

Content, Peace, Love, Grateful/Thankful, Hope–These all deserve a category of their own. But they aren’t as complicated as the other emotions. They aren’t trying to cover anything else up…they just are what they are. When we feel them in their wholeness and their goodness, they fill us up. They are also very powerful–even in small doses. When we’ve discovered the truth of our other emotions and deal with them appropriately, we make more room for these amazing emotions. These emotions lift us, bring light and life to us, and chase away the other emotions. We can also tap into these feelings (sometimes as concepts more than feeling) when we are overburdened by anger, frustration, anxiety, etc. Even just trying to be grateful or trying to have hope when the world feels like it’s falling brings that little bit of light that will help us identify what is really going on. When that fragment of truth comes into our mind, we can cling to that–and those other emotions fade away.

If emotions are just information, then sometimes we can just allow the emotions to wash over us, feel what we need to feel, and then they can go away on their own just as they came.

I actually learned this from a parenting book. The book is called “Listen.” The basis of this parenting method is to allow your children to feel what they are feeling by being an active listener with them while they work through their emotion/tantrum. You can, and should, keep the limit (no, you can’t have a cookie because you didn’t eat your vegetables) but allow the child to express their disappointment/frustration in it’s fullness until the emotion subsides and goes away. Amazingly, it works. And with this most recent miscarriage, I’ve let it work with me. Yesterday afternoon, I felt the need to cry. I allowed myself to cry, I even cried myself into a nap. When I awoke, I felt better. For the rest of the day, I was emotionally okay.

If emotions are just information then we don’t have to feel shame or ashamed by them.

This is a big one for a lot of people. Yes, we are definitely accountable for what we do when we are feeling strong emotions. But we don’t have to feel shame or ashamed by the emotion itself. When we can recognize that, then it really can be easier to feel and identify the emotion for what it is. By realizing that we don’t have to feel shame for our emotions, we can more quickly get past the secondary emotions and recognize what it is that we really are feeling.

If emotions are just information then they can help guide our lives, almost in prophetic ways.

I actually have a story about that. Last year, about a 6 weeks after my miscarriage, we were planning on taking a family trip to Texas for some business and to visit Rob’s sister and his family. I had found a great deal on flights but didn’t buy the tickets in time. Rob didn’t want to pay extra for the more expensive tickets (with a family of 7, I get it). So the plan was that I drive out there and he fly. It’s a two day drive each way. As the planned trip got closer, my anxiety levels spiked. The anticipated drive was stressing me out. The conflict inside of me was real: I had just gone through something physically/emotionally traumatic yet I really wanted to go so we could spend some time with his sister and her family. They live so far from the rest of family that we don’t see them much. But this anxiety wouldn’t go away. A few days before the determined departure date, I decided that I just couldn’t make the trip. I felt so relieved, yet sad, about that decision. I felt incapable of making a trip I’ve done before in better health, and that was discouraging to me.

Within a few days of making that decision, my brother-in-law’s father passed away. Had we made the trip, our family of 7 would have been a burden on my SIL’s family as they mourned the passing of their father/grandfather. When that happened, I actually felt grateful for the anxiety that ultimately helped me stay home. When we listen to our emotions, even the “negative” ones, we can make better choices even when we don’t know the future.

If emotions are just information, then we can always turn to the Lord to help us figure out the information our emotions are trying to tell us.

When we are going through a hard time and our emotions are strong, often we do something that we regret. We often seek pleasure to hide our pain. Or we turn to something to help us cope with our emotions instead of facing them. Last year, when I was going through my miscarriage, one day I felt so sad and so helpless. I went into the grocery store and thought, “I could buy a bottle of wine and wash away this grief. I’m old enough.” Then I told myself, “but the sadness will still behere after the alcohol wears off.” I’ve never had a drink of alcohol in my life! I don’t believe that thought came from me. I’m sure Satan was trying to tempt me while I was down. If Satan can get to us while we are down, we definitely can call upon the power of Heaven to help us through our hard, emotional times. I think that second thought was the Holy Ghost helping me to resist the temptation.

The Lord wants us to reach out to Him and turn to Him. In our good times and in our bad times. If we do something that is hurtful to someone else while in the woes of our strong emotions, we can still turn to the Lord. We can repent. That is what Christ’s atonement is for. We can apologize and try again. If we have dug a hole so deep that we can see no way out, He can help us. It might be a painful road and it might take a long time, but being depressed and angry and stuck in our emotions is also a painful road. 

Facing and recognizing our emotions isn’t always easy. Sometimes we have to face a truth about ourselves that we don’t like. But it’s like a bad wound that we have to clean or else it will get infected. It stings when we clean a wound, but the cleaning helps the wound so it can heal and it keeps the wound from getting infected and getting worse. As we uncover our emotions, see them for what they are, deal with the original hurts that trigger reoccurring emotions, then the true healing can begin. And the Lord can be with us every step of the way, if we let Him. He will also guide us on our path of healing–however it may go. He can help us through times of pain so they aren’t so painful. But the journey is worth it. Lasting peace can be a part of our lives.

Seeking Peace During a Miscarriage

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Last week, I ended up in the ER while my body was going through yet another miscarriage. About 12 weeks along this time. We found out about the loss the week before. We often thought, “really? Again?” And our kids pleaded that the miscarriage not mess up their summer like it did last year.

It’s so interesting how different we can experience grief and loss each time we experience it even in similar circumstances.

The similarities to my pregnancy this year and last year are almost alarming. We weren’t planning on having any more kids because our 5 is a lot already! I got pregnant in the spring and was due in December–again. I had a bunch of morning sickness–more than any other pregnancy I’ve had (that was supposed to be a good sign, right?). We even took our family on a family trip before we really started telling people (last year it was to New York City, this year it was to Hawaii). Mother’s Day was, once again, a great day to tell others the wonderful news. With all the similarities, this felt like our “rainbow baby” (a baby that is born after a miscarriage) to bless our family with the loss we experienced last year.

But there were some differences as well. It was harder to really get excited about this pregnancy. It was harder to tell people that we were expecting again. It was harder to plan ahead and prepare for this baby–because the sting of the loss last year was still fresh enough to cause us to be more cautious.

So I prayed to get excited about the baby. I was inspired to tell more people and start wearing maternity clothes. During my first pre-natal appointment, the whole family waited with anticipation and patience while the midwife sought the heartbeat. It took her over 10 minutes to find the heartbeat. But we were all so glad to hear that heartbeat! I had an early ultrasound at 11 1/2 weeks to confirm the due date and everything looked good and the baby was healthy and moving. I got some pictures of our little baby. The morning sickness soon started easing up. We even took family pictures while my photographer sister was visiting over Memorial Day weekend. Earlier that week, I did NOT want to be photographed because I just felt big and in that in-between phase of pregnancy where it’s hard to tell if I’m just gaining weight or if I’m pregnant. But I decided to go ahead and be in the pictures. We even did some belly photos.

Patterson-IMG_0291-CP

And then we had a repeat of last year. My midwife came to my home for a prenatal visit and give me the blood-work order. But she couldn’t hear a heartbeat. She tried for over 15 minutes but couldn’t find it. We scheduled an ultrasound for the next day.

The night before the ultrasound, in that time of uncertainty, I woke up in the middle of the night with a prompting to pray. So I went into another room and poured my heart out to God. I admitted I was afraid of a full-term pregnancy–what it would do to my already weak core and my chronic lower-back pain. I admitted I was not looking forward to the lack of sleep while taking care of a newborn and the swing of emotions and the “baby blues” or dealing with PPD during those first few months. Then I took a moment to figure out what I really wanted long term. And I realized that I wanted another baby. To bring a child into this world is a miracle and a gift for all of us. In that prayerful night, I came to peace knowing that I was ready to accept the personal sacrifice to bring another life into this world and to raise it.

When we went into our ultrasound, it confirmed our baby was gone. So even though I was willing to bring another life into this world, the Lord had a different path for us to go through. The path of loss. Again. But like a parent who will hold their child in their lap while the child receives a shot for a vaccine, because the parent believes it will protect the child from that illness, Heavenly Father allows us and even willingly gives us painful experiences. Yet while we believe and hope that something is good for us, He knows what is ultimately best for us.

I started writing this on a day I was feeling good and at peace with everything. But the last few days have been more of an emotional roller coaster. I was actually expecting this roller coaster…it just doesn’t make it any easier. Going through grief mixed with the need to heal from a physically traumatic experience mixed with a sudden changes in hormones creates a terrible emotional storm. It’s post-partum depression, or a bad case of the “baby blues”, minus the baby that makes it all worth it and adding the grief of loss.

Oh how I need the sweet balm of peace right now!

While in the ER, a couple of wonderful priesthood holders in our ward came and gave me a priesthood blessing which promised me to “find peace first and second comes healing from Heavenly Father. He will provide you time to recover.”

My efforts in finding peace first include and will include:

  • Daily, multi-daily, spur-of-the-moment prayer
  • Reading my scriptures, the words of modern prophets, and faithful women of God
  • Trying to be the answer to someone else’s prayer
  • Being grateful for the wonderful friends and family who are supporting me–especially for my husband who has been trying hard to be there for me while he navigates his own grief and sorrow
  • Being grateful for the 5 beautiful children we already have
  • Allowing the storm of emotions to come, allow myself to feel them, but try not to get trapped in them. After the wave of emotion, find a way to get up and move on.
  • Remembering the spiritual experiences I’ve had in connection with this miscarriage
  • Listening to the Spirit as the Lord guides me through my personal healing journey and remembering the mini miracles He has already performed as I’ve tried to put my faith in Him and listen to His on-going inspiration (His inspiration is on-going as long as I’m in a listening and obeying mood.)
  • Earlier this summer I felt prompted to craft. I feel like crafting and scrapbooking will be a means for my healing.
  • Go outside and enjoy the sunshine, nature, and earth
  • Exercise, when my body is ready for it (it’s taking some time for me to recover from the blood loss)
  • Being grateful that this happened during the summer when the family schedule is flexible, friends are available to keep my kids occupied, and there is a lot of sunshine to enjoy

“If you want to, If you don’t want to.”

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That’s a saying my hearing-impaired grandmother would say. My mom and her siblings didn’t quite get what it meant! And I don’t know how much sense this blog post will make, either. But I just feel like I should write some thoughts down and share them with my Stout-hearted cousins and siblings.

I just spent the last 3 hours reading letters from Uncle Bob, Grandpa Eldwin’s personal history, and a summary of Grandma Leona’s life by Aunt Patsy. Mom and Aunt Patsy, Aunt Rae, and Aunt Doralyn have been busy posting these things on Family Search! It’s like a treasure trove of stories!

As Grandpa Eldwin started his personal history, he said, “At the suggestion of my daughter Patsy, specifically, and the urging of my Church Leaders and a few years of disturbed conscience from not having done so before, I have now decided to write down, for the possible pleasure or knowledge of my posterity, to answer for them who they are, and one source of where they came from.” Since I never knew my grandparents in this life, and I only met Uncle Bob while I was a tiny girl, I’m so grateful for these histories because it helps me get to know them all better and feel connected with them.

One thing that I find amazing is how much love I feel throughout their records. All of them. For all of us. As I was reading Bob’s letters to my Mom while she was on her mission, I could tell how much he just cared about his family and siblings. Aunt Patsy also shared some of the things she went through with him during the last few months of his life. And once again, you can just feel the love from Bob and Patsy, Doralyn and Lynn and the 7 young Mercer kids.

I think my favorite example of love, though, is Grandma and Grandpa’s courtship. Grandpa wrote that he while he would take Grandma out on dates, they spent countless hours together as he taught her how to speak more clearly. While she had learned how to read lips at a school for the hearing impaired that her parents sent her to, it was Grandpa who helped her learn how to speak more clearly and even pay attention to sounds. They would spend hours in his car helping her practice…she would try to say a word dozens of times before she would get it right. And they would practice in the dark so she would not be able to rely on lip reading as much. I just think of all the patience and tenacity they both had to do that! And how it must have deepened their love for each other. I also get a glimpse of Grandpa’s compassionate heart–to date a beautiful girl who he could hardly understand at first. For so many people, that would be a deal breaker! This was someone who grew up listening to his Grandpa “Ap’s” Grizzly bear story–one of the manliest-man stories I’ve ever heard! The cool thing is that I see that compassionate heart–that heart of gold–in so many of my Stout relatives.

When my 6yo animal-loving son had saved up over $50 of his own money to buy his own pet, and I resisted adding a new responsibility to the family. But when I remembered how Grandma Leona allowed Uncle Bob and Rick to have all kinds of crazy pets in her house (besides dogs, cats, fish, and parrots, a baby alligator, a monkey, iguanas, and piranhas), and they both grew up to become veterinarians, I realized I could be hampering my son’s future. So I relented. That pet, which was then a baby bearded dragon, is still alive and well. And we have added to the family pet collection with some frogs, fish, and about 20 quail. And my kids take care of their pets on their own! But it was Grandma’s example of allowing her boys to follow their passion for pets that brought me to realize how I need to honor my own son’s pet passion.

One thing that stands out to me tonight is how Grandpa’s testimony was focused on his family and grew out of his love for his family. While Grandma and Grandpa were not initially married in the temple, they were sealed when Charlie was about a year old. Due to a chronic appendix issue Grandma had, they decided to move the wedding up a couple of months so Grandpa could make sure she received the surgery she needed before it was too late. (Gr-Grandpa Hansen was wary of doctors and rarely went to one. It’s understandable as he, as I understand, was used as a guinea pig for doctors in his homeland before he immigrated to the US as a youth. It’s funny, but I also would rather use a home remedy than rush to Urgent Care for some medication…)

Grandpa wrote, “We soon got to thinking about greater permanence for us and in March of the following year, we went to Southern Utah and were married in the St. George Temple on my parents’ wedding anniversary, March 24, 1939 when Charles was a year and four days old. This time we had time to plan to reflect on the importance of the occasion. I well remember how beautiful Leona was and the beauty and meaning of the ceremony and of the stir we caused when they brought our handsome curly-headed blonde son up. He was sealed to us making us a real family for eternity, if we remain worthy. I didn’t know then that we would have four daughters and three more sons born under the covenant to make a family that I have been keenly proud of ever since.”

He admitted that he didn’t go to church much before that. Afterwards, he tried to go more. Grandma would go to Sacrament meeting, but because of her lack of hearing, she didn’t attend Sunday School. Instead, she would make her Toll House cookies for her family. At some point, Grandpa was called to be the Elder’s Quorum President. It was during WWII. He was working at the Smelter during the day and driving a cab at night, and in his spare time he was digging out and finishing a couple of bedrooms in the basement. He didn’t feel like he had the time. I love how he puts it:

“I told him all I was working on and gave him every excuse I could think of and that I just didn’t know if I could make it up in time in the morning. Even after all of this, he said that he still wanted me to try. Would I do it? Well, I thought over the fact that I had always been taught never to turn down a church calling so I said, “Ok, we would try it and that I would be happy to do it.” It turned out to be a turning point in my life because I not only started doing things for the Church that I was supposed to do, but I felt better for having done so.” I also love his humility about it, “We got the job done, but I don’t know how we compared to other wards but we did build up the interest in the Elder’s Quorum at that time and did what we felt was a good job.”

When Grandma died suddenly and quite young, only 53, Grandpa was very lonely and at a loss. It seems to have affected Bob deeply, too. At the end of his personal history, he states his love for his second wife and his whole blended family. But this is my favorite part, “As I lay on my hospital bed there are no big problems but just a few little ones. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for all the children he gave to me. I know this gospel is true. This is the only thing in this whole world that you can depend on because it’s right.”

I have to say that there have been a few times in my life when I’ve felt Grandma and Grandpa’s presence. I feel like they were there when I was married. I felt like Grandma was with me at times during my miscarriage last year. I think I’m feeling them tonight as I write this. It’s like they are encouraging me to write this and share this. I know the Kinzers have especially been going through a really hard time lately. But they aren’t the only ones. We all have our challenges. Our hard times. Doubts. Depression. Sickness. Problems with relationships. Fears. Inadequacies. Temptations. Loneliness. I just feel like sharing their stories with you because maybe it’s a way they can help you.

Aunt Patsy ended Grandma’s history with these thoughts: “Leona was truly an angel. She blessed the lives of all who were fortunate to know her. She left a message with Eldwin for all their posterity: “Overcome your difficulties or hang-ups or whatever you choose to call them and not procrastinate and put it off. Tackle the worst one that you have and lick it now—then the next one is much easier.” By her beautiful life, may her family pattern their lives happily after the remarkable influence of this exemplary daughter of God.”

Knowing my grandparents better helps me know myself better and my children. We’re all a part of this family. And it’s so interesting to see how many similarities persist through the generations. Animals, chemistry, music, friendships, and loyalty and love.

The Power of the Book of Mormon

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The other day while we were reading The Book of Mormon as a family, I finished reading the chapter we were on with these words:

26 Wherefore, I, Moroni, am commanded to write these things that evil may be done away, and that the time may come that Satan may have no power upon the hearts of the children of men, but that they may be persuaded to do good continually, that they may come unto the fountain of all righteousness and be saved. Ether 8:26

This verse hit me with a new understanding. I’m still pondering the power of these words. That Moroni was commanded to write what he had written so that:

  1. Evil may be done away
  2. that the time may come when Satan will have no power upon the hearts of men
  3. men/women may be persuaded to do good
  4. men/women may come unto Christ (the fountain of all righteousness) and be saved

Moroni is the son of Mormon. Moroni was the last righteous Nephite on the American continent in the 5th century. His father, Mormon, had compiled almost the whole Book of Mormon as an abridged spiritual account of his people, the ancient American people. He left the account to Moroni, along with all the records of the people. Included in those records was a translation of a more ancient people, the Jaredites, who had come to the Americas after the confounding of languages at the time of the tower of Babel. Moroni took the task upon himself of abridging their records. That abridgment is the book of Ether.

When you read the book of Ether, it’s like reading Kings and Chronicles in the Old Testament mixed with a little Shakespeare. Righteous kings are followed by wicked kings. Sons kill fathers to usurp the kingdom. Jealous fathers kill sons to protect their thrones. Evil oaths are made in secret groups to dethrone the current king. Once that king is dethroned, another man in the group plots the death of the new king. This kind of thing goes on and on for generations and centuries, until the society becomes so corrupt that they war amongst themselves until only one man is left alive as the lone survivor. He is eventually found by Moroni’s ancestors and lives with them for a little less than a year before he dies.

It’s a crazy history.

Moroni and Mormon compiled this book for us, not for their people. Their people had already turned their hearts away from the Lord. So the Lord revealed to Moroni that this book would be brought forth, through the power of God, in a day when the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ would be needed. (See Mormon 8) Oh, how we need the light of truth in our day!

President Ezra Taft Benson, who later became the 13th president of The Church, gave a talk in 1975 that became the classic “read the Book of Mormon every day” talk. President Benson taught that The Book of Mormon brings us closer to Christ in two basic ways. The first is by teaching and testifying of Him and His atonement plainly and clearly. The other way is by exposing the enemies of Christ so we can recognize the difference between truth and error. Last April, President Thomas S. Monson, who passed away just last week, spoke about the critical need we have to really read, study, and ponder the Book of Mormon daily. He said, “We live in a time of great trouble and wickedness. What will protect us from the sin and evil so prevalent in the world today? I maintain that a strong testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and of His gospel will help see us through to safety. If you are not reading the Book of Mormon each day, please do so.”

So, back to the verse I quoted above. The Lord’s Second Coming is imminent. When? No human knows. But all scriptures prophesy of the days that we are living in will be the last days before the Lord’s Second Coming. The Book of Mormon was written for this day. For this time. It’s written to do away with evil. After Christ comes, He will reign in His millennial reign. Satan will be bound and have no power over us then. (Revelation 20) When I was reading this scripture, I thought that the Book of Mormon is one of the Lord’s tools that He is using to prepare a people for that millennial reign.

In the meantime, I sometimes feel Satan’s attacks on me. He hits where and when I’m vulnerable. Mostly, it’s negative self talk and feeling depressed or overwhelmed. He’s so sneaky and deceptive that I will not recognize the attacks are coming from him. I blame Rob or myself or my children or my circumstances. I need the power of The Book of Mormon in my life, every day, so I can recognize who is really attacking me.

When I am reading The Book of Mormon daily, I can more quickly turn to the truth from the bombardment of lies. The Book of Mormon has become a tool for me in seeking more peace and finding more joy in my life. I sometimes find answers in my readings. But lately, I’ve realized, it’s just helping me turn to Christ more. I usually read my scriptures in the morning. Later in the day, when it’s been a crazy day or the kids won’t stop bothering each other to the point of annoyance to all of us, I should be at my wit’s end. Sometimes I am, and they get into a lot of trouble. But sometimes, I have this clarity of thought that I know just what needs to be done or said to bring peace and love back into our home because of the prayer I have in my heart…instead of letting the annoyance and frustration build up.

The Book of Mormon really does contain the words of Christ. It really does help us be our best selves. It really does bring us closer to Christ, closer to healing, closer to repentance, closer to salvation. It really does make us stronger to resist temptation, and if we’ve given in to the temptation, it reminds us that we can return to Christ, again and again and again.

I love The Book of Mormon because I do feel it’s power for good in my life. I hope you can come to love it, too. If you don’t have a copy of this book, I would love to give you one personally. Or, you can go to Mormon.org and request a copy for yourself.

 

2017–A Tough but Good Year

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I am grateful for 2017 to be over! It was a challenging year in so many aspects. On New Year’s Day, as I emotionally crashed (my husband said I had been weird all last week and it culminated into an evening with me in bed, writing in my journal), I decided that I should seek some therapy. There were some aspects of the miscarriage that were traumatic, and I think it brought to surface some emotions I had buried deep. In the last couple of months, I’ve had some depressive days, usually related to hormonal imbalances. But I don’t like it. So hopefully, I can make some changes for myself, my outlook/attitude (that’s the biggest thing, I find, that helps me), and my family that will help the healing. But for now, I want to share what helped me through 2017: a little note with purpose and inspiration to help me “seek peace”.

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For a little back story, Rob and I did some marriage counseling in 2016. One thing our marriage counselor said that has really stuck with me was this amazing idea that Heavenly Father wants me to have peace in my life, and that I can and should seek for that peace. I wrote down a mantra and stuck it in my pocket for several weeks. So when I would get overwhelmed with life or the kids’ behavior was overwhelmingly challenging, I would pull out that mantra and recite it to help me calm down.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“Heavenly Father wants me to have peace right now–over anything else!! Take a few deep breaths. What can I do right now (or plan for later) that will give me peace? Pray and do–to conquer!“

When January 2017 came around, I was realizing the wonderful power of the Lord’s peace that was happening in my life! So I created a theme for 2017 year with a different monthly focus to help me continue to have this powerful peace in my life. I picked themes for each month with some intentions on how to fulfill them. For example, I imagined that the word I chose for June, strength, would encourage me to improve my exercise routine and get stronger physically. This is my list.

2017 Seeking Peace

January–Begin Anew!

February–Heal

March–Forget Yourself

April–Laugh

May–Dream

June–Strength

July–Share

August–Pray

September–Thrive

October–Let it Go!

November–Be True

December–Seek Light

In January and February, I was much more deliberate with my monthly themes. I set some goals in January, assessed my life, planned ahead. In February, I set an appointment with a genetics counselor I had been intending to do for years (my mom has a breast cancer gene and every one of my sisters has been tested for the gene except me). In March I tried to focus on serving others. In April I tried to focus on enjoying life during the busy spring season of school, sports, and 3 birthdays for my boys.

Then God shook things up a little by taking the reins of my life and throwing in some unexpected bumps in the road. The crazy thing is that as each month passed, I really needed the month’s theme to help me get through each month.

In the second week of May, we found out we were unexpectedly expecting a baby! I was due at the end of December! I found myself trying to imagine myself as a mother of six kids! We started making room in our plans and our lives for this little addition. The kids were so excited, and so were Rob and me. In May and June, I also focused on doing things to ease my morning sickness. I tried really hard not to be as cranky and irritated as I had been in previous pregnancies. I needed that motivation for “strength”. In July, when we found out I had miscarried, I felt the need to share that experience with others. Sharing something that personal with others was hard, but the support we received from everyone was critical.

In August, as the miscarriage wasn’t resolving, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I learned how to pray as I never had before. And talk with the Lord as I never had before. I had many special “conversations” with the Lord and I learned that He really is interested in our lives and He really is there. We just don’t usually try to “talk” with him in our prayers, we just pray to Him (which He loves, because that is better than nothing. But one thing I really felt in my “conversing” with Him is that He enjoyed me inviting Him to converse with me.)

I continued to pray like that  into September as the miscarriage hadn’t resolved yet. By this time, my body wasn’t thriving, but my spirit was. With the help of the Lord and a wonderfully supportive husband, I was able to finish the miscarriage. My parents also came to help our family as I focused on recovering. In a way, I really was thriving.

In October, the hormonal side of post partum recovery started kicking in. Physically, I started feeling really great. So I would do more than I should have. But I could tell that wasn’t good for me since my anxiety levels spiked easily and I couldn’t handle my normal stress levels. I tried to slow down and take things one day at a time. I had to tell myself to “Let things Go!” I had friends tell me that it takes time to recover from a miscarriage and that I needed to honor that time. The biggest thing I Let Go was a family trip we were planning on taking to Texas to visit Rob’s sister’s family for Halloween. We originally were planning on flying, but when I went to book the flights, the prices had increased a lot since the last time I had checked. The only way we could go is if I drove. That gave me too much anxiety because I wanted to go and visit them. When I backed out the last minute, I felt so much peace about the decision and the anxiety vanished. Within days, we found out my BIL’s father passed away. They wouldn’t have been able to host us anyway. I realized that the anxiety I felt was because I was trying to go forward with a wrong decision.

In November, life mostly returned to normal. Physically, I felt great again. Emotionally, I was unpredictable. I began to realize that a miscarriage is a birth…just not a live one. But a woman’s body needs to produce all those hormones to birth this baby, too. Which means that there is a post partum time of the body needing to re-balance the hormones. One thing that always happens to me post partum–I feel like I don’t measure up in many ways and it leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of negative talk. Often, it is “all Rob’s fault.” The idea to “Be True” has been so important for me these last couple of months to be true to my husband and our marriage, to recognize how he really does love and care about me.

In December, I felt the need to follow the #LighttheWorld campaign and advent calendar my Church was sponsoring. Almost every morning, I would read the daily scripture of one of Jesus’ teachings to myself and my kids, and I would encourage them to apply that teaching that day. Even on days when I was bombarded by emotional/mental crap, I tried to “Seek Light” by Lighting the World. We didn’t do anything huge or significant. But I tried to follow the Spirit during the holiday season. I felt like focusing on people and relationships more than events and shopping. And it was totally the right thing to do for me. Even though I “wasn’t ready” for Christmas, I felt a certain amount of peace that all the other stuff would fall into place. And it did. At the end of the month, I felt a calm, reassuring feeling that the Lord appreciated that little bit of light that I tried to give. And the light I tried to give to others also lit my life. So even though the darkness of mental/emotional anguish frequently crept into my life, the light definitely helped chase the darkness away. I had many good, normal days. My kids even announced that it was “the best Christmas ever!” (They are good kids and say that every year…I think they have short-term memories.)

I Can & I Will, Part 3

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September 19, 2017

Finally. I can finish this story. It’s been months in the making, hours in the finishing, but, hopefully, forever impacting.

Last Saturday night, just before midnight, I finally finished this miscarriage, and all the blessings and promises of the Lord came about, with one small exception, due to my own stubbornness. And so I will tell this story…

7 weeks have passed since I last wrote about this miscarriage. In that time, I’ve continued to receive support from the Lord through answers to prayers, more priesthood blessings, and the angels of family and friends ministering to me.

Photo Oct 10, 3 38 36 PM

While I was waiting, life went on. My husband and I took a trip we had planned (it was going to be the “babymoon”), I started homeschooling my children, I started teaching Spanish at our weekly homeschool Co-op, the soccer season started, piano lessons continued, and we went on a planned trip with my sister and her family to Aneheim…yes, Disneyland and Universal Studios (and I totally ignored the signs about “expectant mothers” not riding rides because I wasn’t expecting anything except a miscarriage).

Every morning I would pray to know what to do to help finish this miscarriage and every night I would pray that if it happened in the middle of the night, I would be ok with that. I made my plans by prayer. I cancelled or backed out of things if I felt like I shouldn’t do them. I tried self-induction methods through prayer. I really began to develop a relationship with the Lord through this experience. His message to me repeatedly came back to this: your body will complete this miscarriage naturally, it will be healthy and safe for you, your body will release the baby and all of the parts associated with its growth, the Lord is pleased with your continued faith and patience, you will know when the timing is right and you will know what to do. A month ago, He added that I need to prepare for the miscarriage. And He added that because of all the prayers and fasting of ourselves and the many friends and family who were praying for us, He promised a miracle. Two weeks ago, He said that when the timing was right, I could ask anything of the Lord and He would give it to me. (Like prophets of old!) Sometimes these blessings comforted me. Sometimes I was just upset because I was hoping that the blessing would be the catalyst in completing the miscarriage.

Last Wednesday, when I asked the Lord, “What would you have me do today to prepare for this miscarriage?” the Lord responded and asked me to “slow down.” So I stayed home that day and slowed down my life and took it easy. On Thursday, He asked me to “slow down” again. So I did. That afternoon, I felt like He wanted me to slow down even more, almost like a bed rest. So I tried. By this time, I just felt like this trial was a refiner’s fire for me. I had been tested in so many ways. I had faced so many weaknesses. Yet through it all, I had undeniably felt the Lord’s love and approval and strength and grace. That’s what kept me hoping and having faith.

Some contractions started. But instead of being excited, I was starting to break. I didn’t feel like I could keep this bed rest up. I didn’t know how long I would have to do this. It was easier to just live my busy life than to slow down and face this unfinished miscarriage…again…with uncertainty of an outcome. Friday morning, I woke up discouraged with a day of bed rest ahead of me (I felt that while I was resting and when I felt a contraction, I ought to focus my energy to my uterus. It took concentration, something I didn’t have that morning). My spirits were in a tangled mess, and I was filled with uncertainty (the blessings promised I would know when it would happen, yet I was still unsure). I was not in the right mental or spiritual state to work with the Lord that day.

So when I prayed that morning, “Lord, what would you have me do today?”

He replied with grace, “Do what your husband wants you to do today.”

Rob was planning on hiking with the kids. That sounded wonderful to me, so I joined them. I enjoyed watching our 3yo take it all in. The clear sky, the perfect weather, the aroma of ponderosa pines filling the air was healing to my soul. I needed this time in nature. And I continued to feel some contractions and a heaviness in my womb, like everything was getting in position for a delivery. But as the day progressed, the contractions subsided and I decided to be okay with that.

Saturday morning, I awoke completely refreshed in body, mind, and spirit. I felt like it could be the day, even though I hadn’t felt any contractions like I had the day before. So I prayed.

Me: “Lord, I feel really good today and I feel like if we work together, we can make it happen today.”

Lord: “Yesterday would have been a better day for this. Your body was ready then.”

Me: “I know. And I’m sorry I wasn’t ready. But I really feel like we could do this today.”

Lord: “It will take more work to get your body in gear. Are you prepared for that?”

Me: “I am willing to work harder. Are you ok with today?”

Lord: “I am. We can do this today.”

Me: “Yes!!! I would rather not do the bed rest thing. That almost drove me crazy. Can I try some other self induction methods instead?”

Lord: “Sure.”

So with prayer in my heart, I rotated through massaging an acupressure point above my ankle, a long shower, walks, rest, and nipple stimulation–which I did the most. I took one herbal supplement a few times that day to help with the baby’s positioning. I felt some contractions, especially during the stimulation. I even felt like I should write a little about my experience, so I wrote a blog post. In the late afternoon, my body discharged quite a bit of a liquid. I think my “water broke”–at least something new had happened. More of the mucus plug came out. I got excited and texted all my family to pray for me. It was going to be happening soon! But then the discharge slowed down and stopped. I went on another walk close to home to try to get the contractions to restart. I tried stimulation and acupressure. But my uterus was quiet. It had stopped contracting. Like so many times before. However instead of despairing this time, I still had hope. I kept Rob up to date with my progress, and this time, with my lack of progress.

Rob asked, “what are you going to do about it?”

I replied, with a smile and a glint in my eye, “ask the Lord to step in and help me finish this.”

Rob replied, “you have that right. The Lord told you that you could do that.”

We put the kids to bed and ate a delicious dinner that Rob had prepared while I still waited for contractions, hoping that my body might kick into gear at any time. After dinner, I headed to the bathroom and told Rob I was going to pray for help to finish this miscarriage. He wished me luck and said I might need to pray for awhile. I was prepared for that. It was about 9:30.

I sat on the toilet and began to pray. I apologized for my shortcomings, shared gratitude, prayed for others, professed my belief in His promises. And then I asked if He could help me finish this miscarriage. I said I wouldn’t beg, but that I recognized that my body was not going to finish this on its own. I needed His help and His power to finish this, so I pled for Him to let His power be manifest in me.

Nothing.

No inspiration or voice or feeling or contractions. So I just waited. With hope. Remembering the good I’ve experienced, and I hoped. About 5 minutes passed.

And then it started happening. Without any noticeable contractions, I started the bleeding associated with a miscarriage. I thanked the Lord, hollered to Rob that it was starting, and focused on what was happening.

(Warning: this may get graphic.) I was bleeding quite a bit. It was almost a steady trickle. I had heard from several friends and read that women often bleed a lot while they miscarry, so I wasn’t concerned. I kept an eye on it, noticed some tissue passing, which I later recognized as blood clots, and stood up sometimes to keep the circulation going in my legs. I still wasn’t really noticing any contractions. Rob checked on me frequently to see how I was doing. He asked if I was in any pain and I wasn’t. I was just glad this was happening. At some point a month or so ago, I had feared this moment of laboring for a baby I couldn’t hold. But in the moment, I was looking forward to finishing this miscarriage with focused anticipation. (Which I know is very different from most people who are miscarrying as they are sad, upset, surprised, grieving, angry, scared. But I had faced all of those emotions already and dealt with them, so I was grateful I didn’t face them again.)

At one point, I felt like something was getting ready to come out but I couldn’t spread my legs wide enough over the potty. So I started to move over to the shower. I dripped so much blood that I returned to the toilet. I started cleaning up after myself when I felt the Spirit urge me to head to the shower or tub.

“In a moment, I want to clean this up first.”

“You need to move now,” the Spirit urged.

“Ok. I’m almost done.”

When I was done cleaning up, I started feeling extremely woozy. So I hollered to Rob to come help me. He came in, assessed the situation, and prepped the tub (which was filled with toys). I tried to put my head between my legs to keep circulation going to my brain. Rob asked me if I was light headed due to the sight of blood or the loss of blood. I replied that it was the loss of blood. I was really not feeling good. He helped me over to the tub and set me down. Then I passed out. He said I was out for about 30 seconds. In that short time, I was dreaming sweet dreams. I regained consciousness when I heard him say, “Angie, Angie!” I was a little delirious but aware. One of us said that if I pass out again, he’ll take me to the hospital. I agreed. (That was something we had discussed beforehand as a risk of a natural miscarriage at home.) He kept me talking. I replied in a slurry voice. He kept giving me water. Pushing me tot drink some about every minute. He said his own prayer, asking the Lord to give him a clear answer of whether or not he should take me to the hospital. The Lord reassured him that I would be fine, so Rob trusted that.

By then, I definitely felt contractions. They were quite intense and caused me to moan in pain. Rob was amazing at taking care of me. I was regaining strength and feeling less woozy. He noticed some tissue coming out of me. He couldn’t tell what it was and encouraged me to feel it. So I did. During the next contraction, I easily pushed it out. We couldn’t tell what it was and he bagged it. I wasn’t sure if I had passed everything (I had read of multiple accounts were the woman would pass the baby first and then the placenta later, and often the placenta came out in pieces). I felt a few more contractions and the urge to push, so Rob helped me push through those contractions. Then they started settling down. And so had my bleeding by then. I laid back and rested. I prayed to find out if I should expect to pass anything else. I just felt impressed to stay where I was for the next 30 minutes. I ate something, drank some more, and took an electrolyte pill to help my body begin to replenish my blood supply.

After a few minutes, I took a better look at that tissue that I had passed. Rob didn’t want to look at it. It was definitely in two parts. One part of it, the larger part, looked like the placenta. It had a brainy texture around it. It looked like it was whole, so that was a good thing. Some blood vessels, or the umbilical cord, were wrapped around the middle, between the placenta and the other thing. That was a ball of tissue. I felt like it had been the baby, but since so much time had passed, it had kind of gelled together into an indecipherable ball of tissue. But it also looked complete.

I wasn’t feeling light headed anymore and the bleeding was light, like a period. I cleaned myself up and we went to bed. I hadn’t had anymore contractions and we were both exhausted.

Everything had happened according to the answers to prayers and the blessings I had received. It was mostly safe for me (until I put off the Spirit prompting me to move to another place in the bathroom). It was a healthy experience. Everything, as far as I can tell so far, came out. I couldn’t have done it without the Lord, and He blessed me with this miracle. I haven’t sunk into a depression over this, so far, which I also see as a miracle from Him–and I attribute that to continually reaching to the Lord in my weakness and trying to turn fear to faith and love and doubt and despair to hope. He even let me make some of the calls, like the timing. (So why hadn’t I done it sooner? The only thing I can explain is that I wasn’t ready spiritually yet. I had to grow in faith. And my desperation, truthfully, also magnified my faith.)

October 4, 2017

2 1/2 weeks have passed. My body has mostly healed but my hormones are still balancing…causing me to be highly emotional/sensitive at times. The bleeding stopped within days and I was only spotting lightly until the 2nd week had finished. I believe my miscarriage was complete–that “the baby and all the parts associated with its growth” came out.

Recovery has been similar to a full term birth recovery except faster. Early on, I had some cramping while the uterus was returning to its normal size. I also gained a whole pants size in weight (I haven’t stepped on a scale though) that first week while I was eating a lot to replenish my blood supply and I wasn’t exercising. My parents came to help out during the first week of my recovery. I’m so thankful for them!

I’m back to the majority of my busy, daily routine and I can handle most of it. Although I can tell that my body still isn’t ready for a regular exercise regimen yet. Friends have been helping me with some carpooling for the kids and their activities. A friend let me hold her newborn, which was wonderful but I cried a little when I left her house. I still experience some strong emotions related to the loss at unpredictable times. Just as I turned to the Lord during the miscarriage, I turn to Him as those waves of emotion come over me.

It is finished. Just as the Lord had promised, we did it. With God, nothing is impossible. I will continue to have faith in Him.

I Can & I Will.

But If Not…

/ angpatt74 / Leave a comment

“But if not…” that is a phrase in scripture I’ve been praying a lot lately. I guess I’ve been thinking about in a way that’s not exactly how it’s phrased in the Bible, but my meaning is close.

In the book of Daniel in the Old Testament, the Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar, issues a proclamation that whenever the people heard music, they were to fall down and worship this huge golden image of him. Well, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego didn’t. So they were arrested and brought before the king. The king asked them why they didn’t worship his image since it was a law in the land…and the consequence was death by fire in a large, scorching furnace. They replied:

three-men-in-fiery-furnace-39474-gallery

16 …O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up. (Daniel 3)

And they were thrown into the fiery furnace where not a hair was singed nor a piece of their clothing was burned. They remained untouched. But there was more than that. Three were thrown into the furnace but the king saw a fourth man in there, which appeared to be the Son of God. The Lord spared them even though they were willing to die rather than worship a false god.

So back to my story. While waiting for this impending miscarriage to become a finished miscarriage, I’ve had many cycles of PMS, cramping, contractions, feeling the baby heavy on my cervix, and then it goes away for a time. It’s like my body is trying to get this miscarriage to happen but it gives up and doesn’t finish it. Usually, when I wake up the next morning and the cramping or heaviness is gone, I get very discouraged. I wonder how long it will take. Can this really go on forever? What am I doing wrong?…so it has become very hard to take these physical signs seriously when I really just doubt if it will happen this time. Probably later.

But God has promised that this will happen naturally so I can’t help but believe it will. And He says the same thing every time. I need to wait and put my trust in the Lord’s timing. I will know what to do and that my body will take care of the baby and all of the parts associated with its growth and development.

So part of my prayer during these cycles of my body attempting to finish this miscarriage is, “I hope this will turn into something more. I hope that thou wilt help me finish this miscarriage today. But if not this time, Lord, I still will put my faith in thee. Probably not a perfect faith. But I will come back to thee.”

And so far, that is how it’s going. I haven’t miscarried, yet. My body hasn’t taken this seriously, yet. The Lord hasn’t jumped in and just taken over, yet. Sometimes my doubts and fears take front stage in my mind. And those are the days or hours that I fall apart emotionally. But I keep coming back to putting my faith in the Lord. I do want Him to help me through this. I keep seeking the Spirit to know what to do to help my body take care of the baby.