Learning

Fighting Depression: Emotions are Just Information

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*I’m going to write a series, in no particular order, about fighting depression. This is mostly based off of my personal experience of fighting depression. I believe that it can be fought and someimes cured. I believe that there are many things we can actively do to minimize the depression we feel. I believe that the best path for healing is when we turn to the Lord, ask His guidance, plead for his help during our low and our high times, and act on every good impression He gives us. Each person’s healing and path will be different from another’s. I also believe that medication is a necessary tool for many people in their battle of depression. Whether or not they can get off of it is between them and the Lord. I’ve had two relatives who committed suicide after they got off of their anti-depressants, so I do recognize that anti-depressants really are life-savers.

Emotions are just information. I read that somewhere several years ago and it stuck with me. One time when I was talking with a friend on the phone, who was depressed about some things going on in her life, I mentioned that line to her and she thanked me so much for that.

If emotions are just information then…

  • we can try to figure out what our emotions are telling us.
  • we can get to the root of the emotion, and if we are able to address the issue, we can fix it (if it’s in our power to fix) or let it go (if we have no control over the issue).
  • sometimes we can just allow the emotions to wash over us, feel what we need to feel, and then they go away on their own just as they came. (I actually learned this from a parenting book.)
  • we don’t have to feel shame or ashamed by them!
  • they can help guide our lives.
  • we can always turn to the Lord to help us figure out the information our emotions are trying to tell us.

If emotions are just information, then we can try to figure out what our emotions are telling us. When we can recognize what emotion we are feeling and why, we can get to the root of the emotion and fix it or let it go.

There are tons of emotions out there. But when we can figure out what they are telling us, it’s easier for us to deal with those emotions. It’s also important to recognize that some emotions are secondary emotions–they just cover up the emotions we are trying to hide. We all try to hide some of our true emotions because they make us feel weak or vulnerable. I’ll give a few examples (mainly the ones I deal with the most). But there are many more.

Frustrated–This usually means that something isn’t going the way I expected it to happen. I’m currently out of control of the situation and it’s bothering me. I can evaluate if this is a problem I can fix and try to fix it (can I regain control of the situation?) or let it go (is this a problem out of my control?). Example one: the chores aren’t getting done in the home. I can tackle that problem with better home management. Example two: Certain political policies drive me crazy when I take time to think about them. I can’t control the policies so it’s best if I just let go of my frustration with them.

Anxiety–This covers a few emotions. For me, this means something’s not right, I’m overwhelmed, I’m stressed, my hormones are out of balance. If something’s not right, I usually feel anxiety until I figure out what that thing is. Once I figure that out, then I can address it and the anxiety lessens or dissipates. If I’m overwhelmed, sometimes I need to eliminate something from my life, delegate, or lower my expectations. When I’m stressed, I sometimes just need to take a deep breath and tell myself that once I get past this large task or series of urgent tasks, things will get better and less stressful. When my hormones are out of balance (think post-partum or PMS), I just try to give myself some grace and hope that things will get better, even if I’m unpredictable for a time. And they do get better.

Jealousy–This is an emotion that’s harder to recognize because it’s usually expressed in other ways. Like fairness–“it’s your turn to change the poopy diaper.” Or competition–“I could do that better than you.” Or resentment–“Why won’t the kids go to bed for me when he’s already kissed them goodnight and he’s already watching his YouTube videos? I want my down time, too.” The other problem with jealousy and these companion emotions is that they sometimes cover another emotion like feeling vulnerable, unliked, or weak. This is one where I recently learned how to let go–and it’s made such an amazing difference in my 

Anger-This is another one of those secondary emotions that is covering a different emotion that’s kind-of hiding from us. I say kind-of, because, deep down, I believe we really know what we are feeling we just don’t want to admit it to ourselves. Once again, those feelings are like being vulnerable, out-of-control of the situation, being unliked or unaccepted, being weak, feeling resentment, feeling unequal, feeling less important, feeling dumb or incompetent, feeling sad, grieving over a loss–any loss, shame, ashamed. If we can get past the anger and identify the emotion we really are feeling, then we’ve come a long way! We can also go apologize to the person/people we hurt while we are angry and say, “I’m sorry I did/said that. I’m really just feeling so _____.” It’s amazing how opening up like this mends a relationship that was hurt in anger.

Content, Peace, Love, Grateful/Thankful, Hope–These all deserve a category of their own. But they aren’t as complicated as the other emotions. They aren’t trying to cover anything else up…they just are what they are. When we feel them in their wholeness and their goodness, they fill us up. They are also very powerful–even in small doses. When we’ve discovered the truth of our other emotions and deal with them appropriately, we make more room for these amazing emotions. These emotions lift us, bring light and life to us, and chase away the other emotions. We can also tap into these feelings (sometimes as concepts more than feeling) when we are overburdened by anger, frustration, anxiety, etc. Even just trying to be grateful or trying to have hope when the world feels like it’s falling brings that little bit of light that will help us identify what is really going on. When that fragment of truth comes into our mind, we can cling to that–and those other emotions fade away.

If emotions are just information, then sometimes we can just allow the emotions to wash over us, feel what we need to feel, and then they can go away on their own just as they came.

I actually learned this from a parenting book. The book is called “Listen.” The basis of this parenting method is to allow your children to feel what they are feeling by being an active listener with them while they work through their emotion/tantrum. You can, and should, keep the limit (no, you can’t have a cookie because you didn’t eat your vegetables) but allow the child to express their disappointment/frustration in it’s fullness until the emotion subsides and goes away. Amazingly, it works. And with this most recent miscarriage, I’ve let it work with me. Yesterday afternoon, I felt the need to cry. I allowed myself to cry, I even cried myself into a nap. When I awoke, I felt better. For the rest of the day, I was emotionally okay.

If emotions are just information then we don’t have to feel shame or ashamed by them.

This is a big one for a lot of people. Yes, we are definitely accountable for what we do when we are feeling strong emotions. But we don’t have to feel shame or ashamed by the emotion itself. When we can recognize that, then it really can be easier to feel and identify the emotion for what it is. By realizing that we don’t have to feel shame for our emotions, we can more quickly get past the secondary emotions and recognize what it is that we really are feeling.

If emotions are just information then they can help guide our lives, almost in prophetic ways.

I actually have a story about that. Last year, about a 6 weeks after my miscarriage, we were planning on taking a family trip to Texas for some business and to visit Rob’s sister and his family. I had found a great deal on flights but didn’t buy the tickets in time. Rob didn’t want to pay extra for the more expensive tickets (with a family of 7, I get it). So the plan was that I drive out there and he fly. It’s a two day drive each way. As the planned trip got closer, my anxiety levels spiked. The anticipated drive was stressing me out. The conflict inside of me was real: I had just gone through something physically/emotionally traumatic yet I really wanted to go so we could spend some time with his sister and her family. They live so far from the rest of family that we don’t see them much. But this anxiety wouldn’t go away. A few days before the determined departure date, I decided that I just couldn’t make the trip. I felt so relieved, yet sad, about that decision. I felt incapable of making a trip I’ve done before in better health, and that was discouraging to me.

Within a few days of making that decision, my brother-in-law’s father passed away. Had we made the trip, our family of 7 would have been a burden on my SIL’s family as they mourned the passing of their father/grandfather. When that happened, I actually felt grateful for the anxiety that ultimately helped me stay home. When we listen to our emotions, even the “negative” ones, we can make better choices even when we don’t know the future.

If emotions are just information, then we can always turn to the Lord to help us figure out the information our emotions are trying to tell us.

When we are going through a hard time and our emotions are strong, often we do something that we regret. We often seek pleasure to hide our pain. Or we turn to something to help us cope with our emotions instead of facing them. Last year, when I was going through my miscarriage, one day I felt so sad and so helpless. I went into the grocery store and thought, “I could buy a bottle of wine and wash away this grief. I’m old enough.” Then I told myself, “but the sadness will still behere after the alcohol wears off.” I’ve never had a drink of alcohol in my life! I don’t believe that thought came from me. I’m sure Satan was trying to tempt me while I was down. If Satan can get to us while we are down, we definitely can call upon the power of Heaven to help us through our hard, emotional times. I think that second thought was the Holy Ghost helping me to resist the temptation.

The Lord wants us to reach out to Him and turn to Him. In our good times and in our bad times. If we do something that is hurtful to someone else while in the woes of our strong emotions, we can still turn to the Lord. We can repent. That is what Christ’s atonement is for. We can apologize and try again. If we have dug a hole so deep that we can see no way out, He can help us. It might be a painful road and it might take a long time, but being depressed and angry and stuck in our emotions is also a painful road. 

Facing and recognizing our emotions isn’t always easy. Sometimes we have to face a truth about ourselves that we don’t like. But it’s like a bad wound that we have to clean or else it will get infected. It stings when we clean a wound, but the cleaning helps the wound so it can heal and it keeps the wound from getting infected and getting worse. As we uncover our emotions, see them for what they are, deal with the original hurts that trigger reoccurring emotions, then the true healing can begin. And the Lord can be with us every step of the way, if we let Him. He will also guide us on our path of healing–however it may go. He can help us through times of pain so they aren’t so painful. But the journey is worth it. Lasting peace can be a part of our lives.

The Power of the Book of Mormon

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The other day while we were reading The Book of Mormon as a family, I finished reading the chapter we were on with these words:

26 Wherefore, I, Moroni, am commanded to write these things that evil may be done away, and that the time may come that Satan may have no power upon the hearts of the children of men, but that they may be persuaded to do good continually, that they may come unto the fountain of all righteousness and be saved. Ether 8:26

This verse hit me with a new understanding. I’m still pondering the power of these words. That Moroni was commanded to write what he had written so that:

  1. Evil may be done away
  2. that the time may come when Satan will have no power upon the hearts of men
  3. men/women may be persuaded to do good
  4. men/women may come unto Christ (the fountain of all righteousness) and be saved

Moroni is the son of Mormon. Moroni was the last righteous Nephite on the American continent in the 5th century. His father, Mormon, had compiled almost the whole Book of Mormon as an abridged spiritual account of his people, the ancient American people. He left the account to Moroni, along with all the records of the people. Included in those records was a translation of a more ancient people, the Jaredites, who had come to the Americas after the confounding of languages at the time of the tower of Babel. Moroni took the task upon himself of abridging their records. That abridgment is the book of Ether.

When you read the book of Ether, it’s like reading Kings and Chronicles in the Old Testament mixed with a little Shakespeare. Righteous kings are followed by wicked kings. Sons kill fathers to usurp the kingdom. Jealous fathers kill sons to protect their thrones. Evil oaths are made in secret groups to dethrone the current king. Once that king is dethroned, another man in the group plots the death of the new king. This kind of thing goes on and on for generations and centuries, until the society becomes so corrupt that they war amongst themselves until only one man is left alive as the lone survivor. He is eventually found by Moroni’s ancestors and lives with them for a little less than a year before he dies.

It’s a crazy history.

Moroni and Mormon compiled this book for us, not for their people. Their people had already turned their hearts away from the Lord. So the Lord revealed to Moroni that this book would be brought forth, through the power of God, in a day when the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ would be needed. (See Mormon 8) Oh, how we need the light of truth in our day!

President Ezra Taft Benson, who later became the 13th president of The Church, gave a talk in 1975 that became the classic “read the Book of Mormon every day” talk. President Benson taught that The Book of Mormon brings us closer to Christ in two basic ways. The first is by teaching and testifying of Him and His atonement plainly and clearly. The other way is by exposing the enemies of Christ so we can recognize the difference between truth and error. Last April, President Thomas S. Monson, who passed away just last week, spoke about the critical need we have to really read, study, and ponder the Book of Mormon daily. He said, “We live in a time of great trouble and wickedness. What will protect us from the sin and evil so prevalent in the world today? I maintain that a strong testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and of His gospel will help see us through to safety. If you are not reading the Book of Mormon each day, please do so.”

So, back to the verse I quoted above. The Lord’s Second Coming is imminent. When? No human knows. But all scriptures prophesy of the days that we are living in will be the last days before the Lord’s Second Coming. The Book of Mormon was written for this day. For this time. It’s written to do away with evil. After Christ comes, He will reign in His millennial reign. Satan will be bound and have no power over us then. (Revelation 20) When I was reading this scripture, I thought that the Book of Mormon is one of the Lord’s tools that He is using to prepare a people for that millennial reign.

In the meantime, I sometimes feel Satan’s attacks on me. He hits where and when I’m vulnerable. Mostly, it’s negative self talk and feeling depressed or overwhelmed. He’s so sneaky and deceptive that I will not recognize the attacks are coming from him. I blame Rob or myself or my children or my circumstances. I need the power of The Book of Mormon in my life, every day, so I can recognize who is really attacking me.

When I am reading The Book of Mormon daily, I can more quickly turn to the truth from the bombardment of lies. The Book of Mormon has become a tool for me in seeking more peace and finding more joy in my life. I sometimes find answers in my readings. But lately, I’ve realized, it’s just helping me turn to Christ more. I usually read my scriptures in the morning. Later in the day, when it’s been a crazy day or the kids won’t stop bothering each other to the point of annoyance to all of us, I should be at my wit’s end. Sometimes I am, and they get into a lot of trouble. But sometimes, I have this clarity of thought that I know just what needs to be done or said to bring peace and love back into our home because of the prayer I have in my heart…instead of letting the annoyance and frustration build up.

The Book of Mormon really does contain the words of Christ. It really does help us be our best selves. It really does bring us closer to Christ, closer to healing, closer to repentance, closer to salvation. It really does make us stronger to resist temptation, and if we’ve given in to the temptation, it reminds us that we can return to Christ, again and again and again.

I love The Book of Mormon because I do feel it’s power for good in my life. I hope you can come to love it, too. If you don’t have a copy of this book, I would love to give you one personally. Or, you can go to Mormon.org and request a copy for yourself.

 

2017–A Tough but Good Year

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I am grateful for 2017 to be over! It was a challenging year in so many aspects. On New Year’s Day, as I emotionally crashed (my husband said I had been weird all last week and it culminated into an evening with me in bed, writing in my journal), I decided that I should seek some therapy. There were some aspects of the miscarriage that were traumatic, and I think it brought to surface some emotions I had buried deep. In the last couple of months, I’ve had some depressive days, usually related to hormonal imbalances. But I don’t like it. So hopefully, I can make some changes for myself, my outlook/attitude (that’s the biggest thing, I find, that helps me), and my family that will help the healing. But for now, I want to share what helped me through 2017: a little note with purpose and inspiration to help me “seek peace”.

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For a little back story, Rob and I did some marriage counseling in 2016. One thing our marriage counselor said that has really stuck with me was this amazing idea that Heavenly Father wants me to have peace in my life, and that I can and should seek for that peace. I wrote down a mantra and stuck it in my pocket for several weeks. So when I would get overwhelmed with life or the kids’ behavior was overwhelmingly challenging, I would pull out that mantra and recite it to help me calm down.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“Heavenly Father wants me to have peace right now–over anything else!! Take a few deep breaths. What can I do right now (or plan for later) that will give me peace? Pray and do–to conquer!“

When January 2017 came around, I was realizing the wonderful power of the Lord’s peace that was happening in my life! So I created a theme for 2017 year with a different monthly focus to help me continue to have this powerful peace in my life. I picked themes for each month with some intentions on how to fulfill them. For example, I imagined that the word I chose for June, strength, would encourage me to improve my exercise routine and get stronger physically. This is my list.

2017 Seeking Peace

January–Begin Anew!

February–Heal

March–Forget Yourself

April–Laugh

May–Dream

June–Strength

July–Share

August–Pray

September–Thrive

October–Let it Go!

November–Be True

December–Seek Light

In January and February, I was much more deliberate with my monthly themes. I set some goals in January, assessed my life, planned ahead. In February, I set an appointment with a genetics counselor I had been intending to do for years (my mom has a breast cancer gene and every one of my sisters has been tested for the gene except me). In March I tried to focus on serving others. In April I tried to focus on enjoying life during the busy spring season of school, sports, and 3 birthdays for my boys.

Then God shook things up a little by taking the reins of my life and throwing in some unexpected bumps in the road. The crazy thing is that as each month passed, I really needed the month’s theme to help me get through each month.

In the second week of May, we found out we were unexpectedly expecting a baby! I was due at the end of December! I found myself trying to imagine myself as a mother of six kids! We started making room in our plans and our lives for this little addition. The kids were so excited, and so were Rob and me. In May and June, I also focused on doing things to ease my morning sickness. I tried really hard not to be as cranky and irritated as I had been in previous pregnancies. I needed that motivation for “strength”. In July, when we found out I had miscarried, I felt the need to share that experience with others. Sharing something that personal with others was hard, but the support we received from everyone was critical.

In August, as the miscarriage wasn’t resolving, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I learned how to pray as I never had before. And talk with the Lord as I never had before. I had many special “conversations” with the Lord and I learned that He really is interested in our lives and He really is there. We just don’t usually try to “talk” with him in our prayers, we just pray to Him (which He loves, because that is better than nothing. But one thing I really felt in my “conversing” with Him is that He enjoyed me inviting Him to converse with me.)

I continued to pray like that  into September as the miscarriage hadn’t resolved yet. By this time, my body wasn’t thriving, but my spirit was. With the help of the Lord and a wonderfully supportive husband, I was able to finish the miscarriage. My parents also came to help our family as I focused on recovering. In a way, I really was thriving.

In October, the hormonal side of post partum recovery started kicking in. Physically, I started feeling really great. So I would do more than I should have. But I could tell that wasn’t good for me since my anxiety levels spiked easily and I couldn’t handle my normal stress levels. I tried to slow down and take things one day at a time. I had to tell myself to “Let things Go!” I had friends tell me that it takes time to recover from a miscarriage and that I needed to honor that time. The biggest thing I Let Go was a family trip we were planning on taking to Texas to visit Rob’s sister’s family for Halloween. We originally were planning on flying, but when I went to book the flights, the prices had increased a lot since the last time I had checked. The only way we could go is if I drove. That gave me too much anxiety because I wanted to go and visit them. When I backed out the last minute, I felt so much peace about the decision and the anxiety vanished. Within days, we found out my BIL’s father passed away. They wouldn’t have been able to host us anyway. I realized that the anxiety I felt was because I was trying to go forward with a wrong decision.

In November, life mostly returned to normal. Physically, I felt great again. Emotionally, I was unpredictable. I began to realize that a miscarriage is a birth…just not a live one. But a woman’s body needs to produce all those hormones to birth this baby, too. Which means that there is a post partum time of the body needing to re-balance the hormones. One thing that always happens to me post partum–I feel like I don’t measure up in many ways and it leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of negative talk. Often, it is “all Rob’s fault.” The idea to “Be True” has been so important for me these last couple of months to be true to my husband and our marriage, to recognize how he really does love and care about me.

In December, I felt the need to follow the #LighttheWorld campaign and advent calendar my Church was sponsoring. Almost every morning, I would read the daily scripture of one of Jesus’ teachings to myself and my kids, and I would encourage them to apply that teaching that day. Even on days when I was bombarded by emotional/mental crap, I tried to “Seek Light” by Lighting the World. We didn’t do anything huge or significant. But I tried to follow the Spirit during the holiday season. I felt like focusing on people and relationships more than events and shopping. And it was totally the right thing to do for me. Even though I “wasn’t ready” for Christmas, I felt a certain amount of peace that all the other stuff would fall into place. And it did. At the end of the month, I felt a calm, reassuring feeling that the Lord appreciated that little bit of light that I tried to give. And the light I tried to give to others also lit my life. So even though the darkness of mental/emotional anguish frequently crept into my life, the light definitely helped chase the darkness away. I had many good, normal days. My kids even announced that it was “the best Christmas ever!” (They are good kids and say that every year…I think they have short-term memories.)

But If Not…

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“But if not…” that is a phrase in scripture I’ve been praying a lot lately. I guess I’ve been thinking about in a way that’s not exactly how it’s phrased in the Bible, but my meaning is close.

In the book of Daniel in the Old Testament, the Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar, issues a proclamation that whenever the people heard music, they were to fall down and worship this huge golden image of him. Well, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego didn’t. So they were arrested and brought before the king. The king asked them why they didn’t worship his image since it was a law in the land…and the consequence was death by fire in a large, scorching furnace. They replied:

three-men-in-fiery-furnace-39474-gallery

16 …O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up. (Daniel 3)

And they were thrown into the fiery furnace where not a hair was singed nor a piece of their clothing was burned. They remained untouched. But there was more than that. Three were thrown into the furnace but the king saw a fourth man in there, which appeared to be the Son of God. The Lord spared them even though they were willing to die rather than worship a false god.

So back to my story. While waiting for this impending miscarriage to become a finished miscarriage, I’ve had many cycles of PMS, cramping, contractions, feeling the baby heavy on my cervix, and then it goes away for a time. It’s like my body is trying to get this miscarriage to happen but it gives up and doesn’t finish it. Usually, when I wake up the next morning and the cramping or heaviness is gone, I get very discouraged. I wonder how long it will take. Can this really go on forever? What am I doing wrong?…so it has become very hard to take these physical signs seriously when I really just doubt if it will happen this time. Probably later.

But God has promised that this will happen naturally so I can’t help but believe it will. And He says the same thing every time. I need to wait and put my trust in the Lord’s timing. I will know what to do and that my body will take care of the baby and all of the parts associated with its growth and development.

So part of my prayer during these cycles of my body attempting to finish this miscarriage is, “I hope this will turn into something more. I hope that thou wilt help me finish this miscarriage today. But if not this time, Lord, I still will put my faith in thee. Probably not a perfect faith. But I will come back to thee.”

And so far, that is how it’s going. I haven’t miscarried, yet. My body hasn’t taken this seriously, yet. The Lord hasn’t jumped in and just taken over, yet. Sometimes my doubts and fears take front stage in my mind. And those are the days or hours that I fall apart emotionally. But I keep coming back to putting my faith in the Lord. I do want Him to help me through this. I keep seeking the Spirit to know what to do to help my body take care of the baby.

 

12 Things I’ve Learned while Awaiting an Impending 2nd Trimester Miscarriage

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  1. Lack of information. There isn’t a whole lot of information on the Internet about 2nd Trimester miscarriages. I’ve searched and searched and searched. I’ve learned a lot from the medical side (which mostly talks about 1st trimester miscarriages), but there are only a few people who have shared from the mother’s side…the experiential side. This makes the experience feel a bit more lonely.
  2. No heartbeat. That is one of the signs of a miscarriage that is not shared on pregnancy or medical sites. Spotting, bleeding, cramping are the tops signs of a miscarriage…what about no heartbeat? That’s how we found out, over 4 weeks ago. I’ve had some spotting and some cramping since then.
  3. Stories of other women. I’ve listened to so many miscarriage stories from other women. They are so helpful during this time! For one thing, I know that I’m not alone. For another, they have given me crucial information that I’ve needed to know as I face this impending miscarriage. Their stories have been a very important support for me mentally and emotionally. I’m so thankful for friends and family who have shared their miscarriage stories.
  4. Expect to labor. This is one of the things my good friends have shared who have had 2nd trimester natural miscarriages–that my body will go through a labor and delivery process to pass this baby. It’s honestly very helpful to know that. I’ve had 2 natural births, so I feel prepared and not scared about this. And instead of calling those abdominal pains “cramps,” I’m calling them contractions. Because their purpose is to soften my cervix and open it so my body can deliver this body.
  5. Terminology. I’m sensitive to what I call things. I’m going through a miscarriage, not an abortion. I’ve had light contractions or early labor, not cramps. I’m not spotting, my mucus plug is sluffing off. My baby died at 14 weeks…4 weeks ago…so I stopped counting my weeks as being pregnant (I guess I would be 18/19 weeks along?). I don’t even feel pregnant anymore. So what do I call myself? I’m still carrying this baby, but it’s not alive. I’m not really pregnant…I’m miscarrying? Is miscarriage an event or a process? Terminology.
  6. What to wear? Yoga pants and T-shirts. Greys and blacks, please. Within a few days of knowing our baby died, I just couldn’t put on maternity clothes anymore. They were too cute for how sad I felt inside. They also made this bold announcement of “I’m excitedly expecting a baby! I’m not just getting fat!” I wasn’t expecting a live baby anymore, so I didn’t want my clothes to deceive others. That was why I stopped wearing them in my grief stage. I feel like I’m moving on from the grief, but I’m still carrying this baby. I want to wear cute clothes again, but the fit is wrong or the colors are too bright. So I still have little to wear. I started doing my hair in a cute braid for church on Sunday, but I took it out because I’m not quite ready for that yet. At least I wear make up on some days…and sometimes I don’t even make the mascara run.
  7. Energy! Physically, I feel quite great! Since I don’t feel pregnant anymore, I’m not having crazy food cravings, I’m not starving every 3 hours, I hardly need an afternoon nap, I’m sleeping well at night, I easily go on 30-60 minute walks several times a week without feeling fatigued afterwards, stairs are easy to climb.
  8. Hormones. My body is in this flux of hormones. The pregnancy hormones are fading away, yet I need a certain amount to get my body into the delivery mode. And all this flux, topped with some grief and frustration, causes me to be a bit bipolar with my moods. I’ll cry when I don’t even realize I’m feeling sad. And I’ll hold my head up high when I’ve shared my story with someone and I should be crying and sad.
  9. Allowing the grief…and the support. I’ve allowed myself to feel grief. I am easy on myself when I cry for no reason, or I fall apart into a crying session. It’s easier to pick myself up when I’m done crying. I’ve also had a bunch of friends and family offer their help and support. I’ve taken them up on it. Friends have taken my kids for a few hours or for the day. We’ve accepted some dinners from friends. It’s good. Really good to accept the love.
  10. Morbid. The fact doesn’t escape me that my body is carrying around a tiny dead body. That’s a bit morbid. And that’s also why it’s still hard for me to wear bright, colorful clothing. Sometimes I feel like dying my hair black and adopting the Goth look for now…
  11. Life goes on. My older kids still have athletic practices and piano lessons. It’s still summer! We’ve gone on hikes, visited local lakes, gone to movies, spent time with friends and family, worked in the yard. Rob and I are still planning on going out of town soon. It was going to be our “babymoon,” the last alone trip we would take before having the baby and caring for an infant. Now, we are looking forward to it as a time to just leave these stresses behind. Living life has helped me snap out of my really, really bad days. It helps me stay sane.
  12. God. For some, a miscarriage rocks their faith in God. I get it. It’s a really hard experience. It did for me one morning. That morning I really felt abandoned by Him. But since the beginning, I’ve prayed and put my faith in Him. When I don’t know where to turn, I turn to Him. When I don’t know what to do, I ask Him. I don’t always like the answers He gives me, but in time, I am coming to see His wisdom in allowing me to have this experience. It’s not over yet. I know I’ll need Him to help me through the labor and delivery. But I am so glad to feel the support and love and comfort from someone as almighty and great and powerful as God. I’ve grown closer to God through this experience, and I am very grateful for that. (I’ve written more about my beliefs in God here and here.)

I Can & I Will, Part 1

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Written in May 2017:

So much has happened in the last month! So much that proves the answer I had to my prayer…and some episodes that tested my peace.

Just a few days after I wrote that last article, Rob was out of town for the weekend fishing with a buddy. My back started hurting and then I couldn’t hold it together emotionally. My back is often my achilles heel and when it starts hurting, I will start breaking down emotionally and psychologically. I also fell apart with the kids. I was yelling at them a lot, and stressed, and the darkness of depression was trying to surround me, and that peace was gone. Then I began to feel guilty that I hadn’t really repented before. I still had anger issues that I hadn’t overcome. You know…I could go on and on about what my mind was battling in this downward spiral. I couldn’t get in touch with Rob because, not only was his phone out of the reach of service, but he had also dropped his phone in the river and it wasn’t functioning. While at church that Sunday, I asked for a Priesthood blessing. I just love blessings. A blessing is a way to hear the voice of the Lord in times of sickness or need. This blessing helped me hear the voice of the Lord even while my mind was fighting those “demon voices.” Things started to turn around after that. The power in that is actually quite amazing. When Rob came home Monday night, I asked him for another blessing. Through God’s grace, I started pulling out of this. I saw light again. Hope. Repentance and forgiveness. Strength. His power to save and lift and lighten is so real.

That week, I focused on healing my back. And that next weekend, I was well enough to participate in a Mom’s Triathlon I had signed up for. I knew I could do the swim and the bike ride without aggravating my back. So I just planned on walking the run part and I made it! In less than 2 hours! That was an important accomplishment for me, especially after coming out of that weekend of discouragement. Partly why my back problems send me into a downward spiral is the fear of not being able to do fun or challenging things with my weak body. One of the keepsakes I received from the race is a bracelet that says, “I Can & I Will” on it.

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Written in July 2017:

I’ve worn that bracelet many times in the last couple of months. Within days of completing the triathlon, I still hadn’t started my period and I started to feel…pregnant. Really? William was finally out of diapers (which marked an ending of nearly 13 straight years with one or more of our children in a diaper). We felt like and thought we were done (but we hadn’t done anything permanent…whoops).

I Can & I Will.

It took a few days to accept this new reality, but it didn’t take long before we were accepting this new little baby into our hearts and into our home. It meant buying or borrowing almost everything a baby and the expecting mom needs. Just a few months previous, we had even given away our Crib and toddler bed! No baby clothes, no maternity clothes, no baby toys. We definitely would need to buy a new family vehicle, since our van only seats 7. Luckily we were considering that already anyway.

Fatigue, nausea, and that controlling pregnancy appetite kicked in. Also, I had recently begun a series of exercises to try to heal my diastases recti (the muscles in my abdomen that separated from past pregnancies) and I had gone to a physical therapist who gave me exercises to help me with my scoliosis. Really, though, my biggest fear with this pregnancy was the condition of my back. I did not want to end up on bed rest just because my back was too weak to handle the pregnancy.

I Can & I Will.

I was determined to continue those exercises as long as I could. I needed to strengthen my core and stabilize my lower back. I also continued the low impact cardio exercises that I enjoy. Even though we were going to have another baby and I was pregnant again, I was not going to let the pregnancy interfere with enjoyable, active things that I could do safely.

With the continued exercise, and some changes I made to my diet and supplementation,* I had a very tolerable first trimester, I gained less weight than I usually did (especially around the butt and thighs), and I had more energy than in past pregnancies! It was awesome!! *(Of all things, I had an aversion to sugar! And I tried some of the remedies from here and here to calm my nausea. Two key ingredients to help with my nausea were applying a topical magnesium and getting about 15 minutes of direct sunlight a day–just enough to not get burned. When I didn’t sit in the sun, that evening, I would feel so icky.)

Since I wasn’t keeping track of my menstrual cycle, we opted for an early ultrasound. At around 12 weeks, Rob and I sat in the ultrasound room and saw our healthy little baby moving around so fast that the tech had a hard time getting some of the images she needed. And we had a due date. December 29. And the other good news…there was only one! (Whew! I was a little worried about the possibility of twins.)

We were really excited for this little one to join our family. And our five other children were really excited, too. At almost each prayer he said, our 6yo would say, “and please bless that we might have a healthy boy or girl.” Our 8yo daughter would say that she’s a fortune teller and she predicts that this baby would be a girl. She would love to have a sister so much! Things were looking quite good.

I Can & I Will.

This journey continues in Part 2 and Part 3.

When I Grow Up…

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Written at the end of April 2017.

I keep wondering how that statement will end up. But I guess that’s quite normal for most people! The past few days, the thought has popped into my mind, “Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing right now, at this time in my life?” Two things have prompted this question.

  1. I’ve been reading several scholarship applications to choose a recipient that my husband’s business is awarding. Eleven high school seniors, all girls by coincidence, applied. They are ambitious, athletic, intelligent, thoughtful, service-oriented girls. I am so excited that each one is planning on attending college and I fully believe they will be admirable and influential women throughout their lives.
  2. Yesterday, Rob and I were talking with one of our friends who is taking the LSAT in a few weeks. She has toyed with the idea of going back to school for her Master’s degree and she was thinking of American Lit, because that is what she loves. But the Lord put law into her heart in a profound and unmistakable way. She has been accepted to law school but hopes that this second LSAT score will help her earn a scholarship. Her three boys are in elementary school right now, and the law school she will be attending is in Phoenix. So she is looking at 3 years of law school with a commute to Phoenix while raising her family. She’s amazing.

So I have been reflecting on my life a little more than usual. When I even have a chance to my own thoughts. As a high school senior, I felt like the world was full of possibilities for me to make “a difference”, just like the scholarship applicants. But here I am. Not even able to potty train our last child because he is too stubborn to even want to. (but I WANT TO!! We have constantly had a baby/toddler in diapers for almost 13 years! Come on, son! Let’s get ‘er done!) My life almost completely revolves around my family and what I feel like the Lord wants from me. I homeschool our children, support my husband and his business, try to repair my body from 5 pregnancies and a lifetime of bad posture and a weak core, and try to build up other mothers in a Mother Mentoring group I started a few months ago. I try to serve the Lord by serving others and serving in the Church. From sun up to after the sun goes down, I follow a tight schedule just to get it all in.

I’m totally looking forward to summer break! And it’s coming soon! (1 1/2 weeks, baby!)

But I regress. Finally…I’m taking a few moments to write. While my daughter makes the dinner she begged for (tortellini, again).

Last night, as I was wondering if my life is going in the right direction, I prayed to God and asked Him. I felt a sweet, little comforting thought (which I believe came from God) that I am doing the right things in my life right now. I’m not doing any of the big things I had imagined as a young woman that I would do in my future. But I’m doing a lot of little things. “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.”

A year ago, I had some anger issues and I dealt with a lot of stress and feeling overwhelmed by everything I “ought” to do (see above). With some help with professional counseling, a loving husband, and a whole lot of help from Christ and His grace, I have learned to seek peace even in a chaotic and busy life. I am beginning to learn what His grace really is and I’m learning how to tap into it more. One of the biggest things I have learned to do is to accept and even embrace the things I “ought” to do instead of grudgingly doing them (which grudges often led me into despair for a time).

To that 18 year old girl, who had applied for a bunch of scholarships and was only awarded one, who applied to the college of her choice and was accepted, who knew that a bright future awaited her, who thought she was going to be an “accountant” when she grew up. A lot has happened in the 20 years since then. Some big changes (like a degree in communications instead of accounting–I’m so glad I made that change), some unexpected paths, some twists and turns. When I Grow Up…I just want to keep growing up…learning more, experiencing new things, helping others, making new friends, living and helping others live. When I Grow Up….I want To Be.

And even MORE of the Usual

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Soon after my last post, I had yet another meltdown! Being overwhelmed with life isn’t any fun! We were eating dinner as a family and I was just crying. You know…one of those dinners. The kids were all wondering if mom’s crying was their fault. It wasn’t. I was just tired. And overworked and underpaid. So I shared my frustrations with my family. Part of why I was feeling so worn down is because at Stake Conference (a meeting at church with several congregations that happens twice a year–I often try to reflect during conferences), I felt like the Lord wanted me to do MORE.

Yet how can I do MORE? I already feel pushed to my limit. And I was resenting a lot of what I was supposed to be doing. That didn’t help with my attitude…at all.

I read somewhere a few months ago that emotions are just information. So I took this meltdown…and the previous several weeks of being a cranky lady…as the information I needed–time to reevaluate my committments and simplify or delegate where I can.

When I do these life evaluations, I begin them with a prayer and often don’t say Amen until I’m done. I just try to let the Lord guide me in what I should say Yes to and what I should say No to. And then I fill my journal with everything that is stressing me out–mainly my committments and those of my kids. It took two pages, single spaced. Sometimes when I do this, I realize it’s not so bad and that some committments will end soon. This time, it helped me identify things to cut out or delegate (by letting go of some pride). But the most important part came at the end.

I asked myself why did the Lord want me to do MORE? What did that mean? I was already on the tipping point…

And then He answered me. He didn’t want me to DO more. He wanted me to put MORE of my heart back into what I’m already doing. I had become so busy that everything was a chore or a bore. Even when I went to Utah to spend a couple of days with my mom, sisters, and female relatives for a scrapbooking retreat, I was so caught up in being negative about my life that I didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have. I complained and vented quite a bit.

So the last two weeks, I have been trying to put MORE of my heart into my life. I’m trying to live with a willing heart through the cooking, the cleaning, the teaching, the chauffeuring, the supporting, the reading, the writing, the shopping. I’m trying to WANT to do the things that I actually NEED to do. And I’m trying to enjoy this dream that I always dreamed about–having a family and being a mom.

Honestly, it’s working (isn’t it crazy how the Lord is always right?). I am not enjoying every moment and I still get irritated by living a crazy life with 5 kids and a highly driven husband. But I don’t feel as gloomy. I’ve felt uplifted. And life is enjoyable again.

More of the Usual

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The last few weeks, I’ve been feeling quite blah. I’ve been irritable, edgy, easily overwhelmed, unbalanced, and I just haven’t been at peace much. Balance and peace/contentment are really important for me. So either a change is on the horizon (which is often the case when I feel like this), or this is a new normal and I need to get used to it.

At the heart of this is the time and energy I put into homeschooling our children. Yes, this is my choice and I feel like it’s the right one for us. And this year I feel like I need to double my efforts in really teaching and mentoring our kids. Last year, the two oldest boys were in classes 3 times a week with other homeschoolers. The classes were great, but they didn’t cover all the core classes. And I did a very poor job at covering the rest of the bases when they were home. I guess I’m an all-or-nothing kind of personality. For this year, I knew that I just needed to put in the effort to do it right. I knew several years ago that I would need to put more effort into teaching them as they grew older. I knew this day would come. But I was secretly hoping that my kids would be better at learning independently by now so I wouldn’t have to be so involved. At least the older kids. That’s a big reason why I try to follow the Leadership Education philosophy and methods.

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However, I have come to recognize that my oldest (11yo son) has a unique learning ability (instead of a learning disability) and he really thrives on one-on-one attention and instruction espeically in the basic 3 Rs of education: reading, writing, and arithmatic. As the oldest, he is also the example that the younger ones follow. So my second (9yo son) also feels like he needs me to hold his hand a lot in teaching him instead of becoming more independent. Even though he really is capable. I know all this, I see it, I feel it. And I know the best way through this–to get to the goal of independent learning for them–is to step back from outside committments and focus on the basics.

But that’s hard. I have fun and I enjoy those outside committments. They give me something to do, some purpose to work towards, and a feeling of accomplishment. Last year, I was heavily involved with producing two community theater plays, my husband and I directed the activities for our stake’s youth pioneer trek, and I was caring for our infant which I had shortly after we moved from a rental to a home (the house hunting itself was a huge project). I didn’t have much time for homeschooling so I was thankful for the outside resource. But that wasn’t working for my boys, so we needed to make a change.

So here I am. Back to being a 100% stay-at-home-mom. And I’m trying to do this because I know it’s what our children need. But life definitely feels really ordinary and blah. I do think this is a new normal. And I’m sure many moms feel the same way. So I need to look for ways to adapt. For me, it often takes a change in perspective, and possibly, a project to work on. Something for me to lose myself in once in awhile. Here are a couple of quotes that have come to mind as I go about my ordinary days.

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This next quote comes from the book, Mitten Strings from God by Katrina Kenison, as she quotes a deceased friend of hers (who had battled cancer for 10 years but still authored a book during that time to fulfill a dream) who she, Katrina, was finishing a book for (and came across this thought of her friend). 
 I have learned to quit speeding through life, always trying to do too many things too quickly, without taking the time to enjoy each day’s doings. I think I always thought of real living as being high. I don’t mean on drugs–I mean real living was falling in love, or when I got my first job, or when I was able to help somebody, or watch my baby get born, or have a good morning of really good writing. In between the highs I was impatient–you know how it is–life seemed so Daily. Now I love the dailiness. I enjoy washing dishes. I enjoy cooking, I see my father’s roses out the kitchen window, I like picking beans. I notice everything–birdsongs, the clouds, the sound of wind, the glory of sunshine after two weeks of rain. These things I took for granted before.

Isn’t motherhood really about the Daily things.

Like food, conversation, laundry, play.

Like being there.

My Internet Journey Tonight…

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…started with me Googling “Dressing Your Truth” so I could log in to my account and learn what I could do and wear to show “my truth.”

I didn’t get that far. Instead, I went to a blog site of a lady who stopped using DYT because she was felt she was pushed into using their resources to discover her type and ended up being typed wrongly by their professionals. I went there because I am also having the hardest time narrowing down my type. I look like a Type 1, I act like a Type 3, I think like a Type 2, and I was definitely a Type 4 as a child. Since opening up an account last month, I have almost declared a different type every week. Well, at the end of this blog post, this lady posted some other resources, which DYT likely researched before starting their own profiling system. And my own desire to look into alternatives, find out truth, and get to the bottom of something took me on an Internet journey tonight.

First stop: a Google search of Four Temperaments which took me to The Temperament Model of Behavior. These 4 temperaments closely match DYT’s 4 types. In reading further on this website, the Greek philosopher, Hippocrates, and the Greek physician, Galen, attempted to explain why people are different and they related these temperaments/behaviors to 4 fluids of the body and 4 main symbols of nature: earth, fire, air, water.

Interesting. But I didn’t take the DISC text (stands for the 4 different temperaments) because it cost $25.

Back to the blog to find something else.

A Google search for Jane Segerstrom (who I guess had a system called Expressing Your Truth) took me to her blog where she linked several DISC tests.

I picked the one that was **recommended!** And took that quiz.

The test confirmed what I already knew…while I was higher/dominant in one aspect of the DISC, two other temperaments followed very closely behind it. That’s almost like a three way tie in a 4 person race!

So I think I’m Divergent!

Just kidding. But I do crave balance in my own life and I believe I am an influence of stability/balance in the lives of people close to me. So that explains why I felt like a Type 3 when I was with my family our family reunion (my family is a lot of Type 2s & 4s) but why I felt like a Type 2 just two weeks later when Rob’s family was in town (who are mostly high energy Type 1s & 3s).

I’m sorry if this was boring to most people, but it’s really important for me. I do get a little geeky about researching and analyzing things. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I really know who I am. So this journey tonight was really important for me. It is fantastic because it has helped me realize some important truths about myself.

So I may be accommodating to others, I may not always speak up my mind, I may be identified as a people pleaser, it may seem like I’m self-sacrificing. But when I think of it in terms of being a person who seeks for stability and balance in my relationships with others and in their own lives, it takes on a whole new meaning. So that’s why I can honestly see both points of view of opposing sides (and I hope they don’t think I’m abandoning them when I see the other side–but some may feel that way). That’s why I can be an influence of calm in a crazy, busy person or an influence of activity in a sedentary person. That’s why I can be a good follower when someone else leads or I can be a good leader when I need to lead. And that’s how I can influence someone to see another option/solution for a problem (my siblings wonder how I can get my Dad to change his mind–he can be really stubborn sometimes–but I use reason, logic, and understanding to find that win-win). And when I help me and others find stability and balance, I am fulfilled.

I don’t want to write this just to tell about my journey. I also want you to think about your own self-discovery journey. Maybe you just know who you are. Maybe you aren’t sure, too. That’s why I linked the resources I found on my journey tonight–to help you learn a little more about yourself, too.