Going from Productive to Finding Purpose…………

Posted on by littlemsblogger

Being “productive” is a way to keep me busy, but it hasn’t helped overcome my sadness or feeling deflated and defeated.  Last week I had some bad days when I started to realize that companies who I knew weren’t hiring were still posting jobs.  This happened to me in 2009 when Obama first came into office. Companies thought the economy was going to turn around instantaneously and it didn’t.  I had applied for positions, interviewed and would have been selected, but was told the job was on hold and was asked to let them know if I found something else in case funding for the position became available.  I was relieved when I read an article on LinkedIn late one night this week from a recruiter asking companies to stop this behavior, but it mysteriously disappeared the next morning when I went to look for it.

For the past several weeks, I’ve been forced to sit still with pain from an unknown origin.  I still can’t articulate what I’m going through, but know for too many years, I believed the opinion of others instead of mine and this led to me not recognizing my reflection in the mirror.  I have no clue of what I can or can’t do.  I need to find my Purpose.

For me, Purpose is finding a project that will challenge me to find my confidence again. Basically, rediscover me – what I want and need to be happy.  I know others may stumble across this post and think they will find the magical way to find their meaning of life, but that is what I would consider more of a calling.  I’m not out to change the world, I’m just out to believe in me again.

Several years back, I had what I would like to call the perfect emotional storm of events that took place over a 15-month span.  I ended a relationship with a sibling because she was a bully, ended a marriage, was in a job which wasn’t healthy for me, and let certain individuals into my life that I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t so emotionally vulnerable.  What no one tells you is that you may deal with the individual changes, but there is a connection from all that happened and it chipped away at my physical and emotional well-being.

I’ve come to terms with a lot which happened back then, but realize there is one thing I hadn’t.  During that time, I was commuting 2 states over for a job I wasn’t in love with, and spending 2 nights in that state.  I wasn’t around enough to mow my lawn and tried hiring landscapers.  They either didn’t understand my ask, or just wouldn’t show up to take care of the yard.  The result was that my “lovely neighbors” sent me a type written anonymous letter going on about the state of my bushes on the side of my yard.  They let me know if I had a money problem I should go to a local church as they may have young boys who would assist me with the bushes at a no-or-low cost.  I cried and cried, but thought I toughened it out.  However, I didn’t realize how much this cowardly act has had a tremendous impact on me. It’s been 4 years since I’ve spent time in my yard.  The overwhelming shame and embarrassment I felt was too much for me.  I know it is silly to let these cowardly people influence how I live my life, but as I mentioned, it was one of many events that took place during a tumultuous period in my life.  I couldn’t deal with the shame and embarrassment so instead I’ve opted to avoid spending time in my yard.  This way, my neighbors couldn’t put a face with the address (that is my solid logical thinking going on in my head), but am disappointed that I let these thoughts defeat me.

It’s funny, when I divorced my first husband, I looked at something to do that would challenge and help me find me again.  I ended up raising money for the Leukemia Society by walking a marathon.  As a very overweight individual, this was definitely a stretch objective.   I spent months and months walking and talking with my training partner where I learned so much about me especially the fact that I did have the strength and belief in me to be successful and never give up.

I’m happy I recorded that journey through my journaling.  It is the only period of my life I’ve actually gone back to read what I wrote.  I captured everything from the pain of walking because I was so out of shape, to mourning the death of my marriage, but it is the entry the day after the marathon which still resonates with me.  I was so proud of me – what I accomplished and how I didn’t let my negativity get the best of me. Remembering this feeling has made me realize I need another “believe-in-me” project.  However, this time, I need a project where I’m the only one motivating me to continue and finish it.  It sounds crazy not to ask for help, but I need to learn how to push me – not because I have to, but because I want to.

I don’t plan to ditch my daily to-do list as I’m finding that feeling productive while I find my unicorn (a job during a pandemic) is helpful.  I already have gardening (really weeding on the list), but think I’ll break out my digital camera I’ve barely used to visually record this journey.   It’s said a picture paints a thousand words.

Although most of the yard is over grown and many of the original plants I planted have been destroyed by deer or my resident woodchuck, I haven’t managed to kill off the peonies and cat mint.  They come back year-after-year with bursts of colors among the abundance of weeds.  If they can survive without care after many years, imagine what some TLC will do for both of us.

Being Productive…….

Posted on by littlemsblogger

After spending the first entire weekend on the couch dosing in-and-out of conscientiousness, I woke up Monday morning and created a to-do list.

For the past two weeks, I have been creating a daily to-do list.  Some days when my emotions get the best of me the list has 5 items, other days 12 +.  I find that when I create a list with too many items, I feel defeated before I even start.  I am also aware that some items need a time limit.  For instance, I’m doing some paper shredding of work documents and limit it to 20 minutes so I don’t overheat the shredder; weeding the front flower bed is limited to a bucket of weeds and job searching is limited to 90 minutes/daily.

The truth is…. a to-do list keeps me busy and gives me a sense of productivity that I need at this moment.  It also helps me put things in perspective so I don’t obsess over job searching 24/7.  Seriously, the power of “willing a job board” to update several times a day doesn’t work.  It just makes me insane.

I realize that losing my job was the catalyst to setting off the perfect storm of things in my life I haven’t wanted to face or even address.  You can only run so fast until eventually you collapse from exhaustion.  In my case, it means that I’m finally forced to address things that caused me a lot of pain in the past that I swept under the carpet and to also figure out what I want for me going forward.  Unfortunately, this is a work in progress and I realize I can’t just snap my fingers and everything okay.

As I work on things, I’m happy for my to-do lists.  I get to draw a line through things I have accomplished and still move forward with trying to create a future for me.  I am also taking the time to work on my cooking skills and knowledge.  I’m not a baker, but I find it cathartic, in a quiet way, to watch something come together as I mix a few ingredients and transform them into a very tasty treat.

I’m still scared of the unknown, and really have nothing to say to people.  I’m not ready to talk about my situation, but will continue with the to-do lists as I regain control of my life.

Pain

Posted on by littlemsblogger

[This is a piece I needed to write. I can’t decide upon a title because this is a rather selfish piece about me and my pain when I know others are either losing loved ones, suffering from a horrible disease which no one can battle, or caring for people who are sick on a daily basis. For those people, I’m truly sorry, but in order for me to even begin to heal, writing helps me. I also realize that if I capture how I truly feel in this post, I can just point people to it instead of trying to get the words out time-and-time-again].

Thursday I was let go from my job. I’m not the first person who lost their job because of COVID 19, but am probably the only person I know that has lost their job when the NYC World Trade Towers fell for 10 months; when the banking crisis hit in 2008 for 4 years; and now because of a health pandemic.

With each layoff, life gets harder for me because I’m older when searching for a job and financially I end up at zero or relying on others for support. I’ve lost my sense of self. I wish I could say I will come out of this stronger, but I just don’t know anymore…and if I get anymore texts of such platitudes like “I know you can handle it” or “you’re the strongest person I know” I would, if I felt good enough, violate the whole self-distancing rules in place to poke that person in the eye or punch them in the face. I’m not a violent person, but this stuff is pushing me over the edge and here’s why…..

When the news sunk in, I was talking to my sister. Lucky for her, I had texted her my news because there was no way she could make out what I was saying. My cries were from someone who was in extreme physical agony. I was, and still am, in an incredible amount of emotional and physical pain. The difference between that call and now is that I promised her I would not do any harm to me before she could come up and see me on Saturday. Yesterday, I asked her not to come, not because the pain has gone away or diminished, but because I can’t talk about a plan as the emotional pain is so very physically painful for me. I feel as if I’m spinning around in a very narrow dirt pit. The width of the pit is just enough that if I sat on the floor of the pit with my legs straight out, they would touch the other side of the wall. Because I’m so far down in this hole, all I can see is the diameter of a drinking glass’ worth of blue sky. Screaming for help won’t help because my voice doesn’t carry and trying to climb up the side of the walls of the pit is impossible because it only loosens the dirt which lands on me, and the dust begins to fill my lungs. I end up coughing to the point where the dirt I inhaled is coughed up and my lungs burn.

To say I am numb is an understatement. To say I’m scared, only scratches the surface of how I feel. I cry and cry some more till my muscles, teeth, face and head are in pain. I’m also very light-headed because my head is spinning so much. I’m alone during this pandemic and could use a good hug, some Kleenex or toilet paper, but COVID 19 has taken all of those things away from me. I have no desire to publicly embarrass myself with masked face and puffy eyes or have a crying fest in the grocery store because the paper aisle is once again empty.

I am making some progress. I thought enough of myself yesterday when my company asked that I drive my computer back to the office instead of returning their computer via their standard protocol through postal delivery. The office I work in is closed due to COVID, but the CEO’s assistant goes in the office once or twice a week. She lives in my hometown and when I suggested I meet her in a nearby parking lot next Tuesday as I’m not up for seeing anyone at the moment, I received an email that stated the IT guy was hoping for my computer back sooner (it should be noted he’s in a different state than I’m in). I have chosen not to respond to this email and will let the company send all the packaging material needed to mail my laptop back. I will then call UPS for a pick-up from my home. Honestly, if you can’t grasp or understand when a person tells you they are not up for seeing ANYONE, well, you can kiss my ass. In a way, I’m proud of myself. I have always bent over backwards to please others even at the expense of my well-being.

This piece only begins to describe the emotional and physical pain I’m in. I’m thankful for a few friends in my life who have actually said, “I don’t know what you’re going through, but are always there to listen”. They don’t spew out platitudes to me; don’t remind me of everything else going on around the world. They just know I’m in so much pain and are respectful of letting me be me. I also want to apologize to other friends who want me to call them and I just can’t.

Last night I decided not to promise anything to anyone except I promised this one thing to me: Every morning I have the opportunity to be productive, or not. Today, I am choosing to be productive.

Years ago, I had a therapist who said to me “All the tools you need for the day are laying right in front of you”. I love this saying. I will wake up everyday and try to determine what I need to feel productive. For me, right at this moment in time, the definition of productive is a day where I don’t cry till I’m physically sick or in pain for ¾ of the day.

What’s the Return Policy on a Barrel of Monkeys

Posted on by littlemsblogger

Most people will say they have squirrels racing around in their head when they have too many thoughts going on at once, but I have monkeys. Imagine the scene in the movie Jumangi (the Robin Williams version) where the monkeys are running amuck throughout the town and just tossing items off the shelves in various stores. No rhyme or reason, just making a mess by causing mischief.

I have a head full of monkeys which leave me feel paralyzed at the moment.

Although, I have come to the conclusion that I will be better off alone, there is that part of me which finally realizes, this is it, I’m growing old alone and have no partner to help me. Because I relied on having a life partner, I just let things go in all facets of my life. I don’t even know where or how to begin.

All week I was waking up in the middle of the night in a complete panic, but not sure why. Typically, I work out my fears or frustrations in my dreams, but I always awake remembering the last dream I had that woke me up. The past 2 weeks, no such luck. I figured it out when I just stopped caring about my home. I’ve read that a messy house is a sign of depression. My house is so messy that when a friend was dropping me off yesterday and wanted to come in to use my bathroom I said no. My tiny home hadn’t been cleaned in 2 weeks, so to say it wasn’t clean was an understatement.

All I’ve been asking myself the past several weeks is how did I let myself get here? Why isn’t my house in better shape, my yard, or me for that matter? So, so, many mistakes, and when I kept asking self why; I had no answer. I just kept beating myself up for not being in a better place in all aspects of my life. Then, I kept wondering where do I start? Each time I’d go down the path of why in my head, I would have visions of entering my bedroom and seeing 3 monkeys just pulling clothes out of my drawers. Clothes in the air, on the bed, the floor and they just kept tossing clothes. The worst part was that the drawers were bottomless. I had vision for months. Initially, it would be a day here, then 3 or 4 days later, then it was once a day and the past 2 weeks it was all day, everyday (which probably explains my nightmares). I was completely paralyzed. Other than working, I had several days this week where I was anxious all the time. I couldn’t figure out how to get the monkeys to vacate my head so I can gain back some of my sanity. It finally hit me…..I need to let go of my past – all the would-ofs, should-ofs, and disappointments in myself had to go. To move forward, I need to forgive me for not living up to my expectations before the monkeys will leave my head permanently. How? Well, I’m working on making a plan of attack.

Yesterday I did a mindful retreat in which there was yoga, a vegan cooking lesson, walking outside in silence for 20 minutes, painting and another yoga session. I haven’t done yoga, (exclude the chair yoga I’ve done this year) in probably 10 years. I’m incredibly overweight, uncoordinated, and not physically active. I’m not putting myself down, just listing facts. However, I surprised myself. I was able to do many of the yoga poses (many modified) and instead of over-analyzing when it came to the painting time, I just started putting paint on the canvas and had fun. My friends did some very nice paintings; one a controlled abstract, and the other a very precise and perfect painting. Mine was a true reflection of what’s been going on in my head lately – paint just thrown on the canvas with brush strokes every which way. Very similar to the monkey vision I was having. I’m going to hang the painting in my office to remind me of this stage of my life. Now the real work begins on learning how to forgive me for not being where I think I should be at this point in my life.

As a special treat, here is my Monkeys Run Amuck in My Head Painting.

monkey painting.jpg

Game Show Contestant on the Show “What’s in Your Fridge”

Posted on by littlemsblogger

Last Sunday, I had an imaginary game show host in my head shouting out:  “WHAT’S. IN. YOUR. FRIDGE”.  It also turned out that my imagination had an audience screaming back every word that the host would shout out.  In my imaginary game show, I was the only contestant and had to go on stage and explain to the host why I felt the need to go shopping when my fridges were bursting at the seams with food.  Good food that if left in the fridge untouched for another week may end up in a landfill.  In my quest to cook new and exciting foods, I’d shop, but sometimes just have a peanut butter sandwich as I was either too tired to cook, or was not having the best reaction because my medication dosage was increased. Also, I have to fess up, I bought salad fixins and while I appreciate a good salad, I hate to make them.

So, here I was center stage in my imaginary game show set being asked the question  – Why wasn’t I turning to the food in my fridge to create a menu plan for the week?  Because the host was a creation of my imagination, he knew exactly what to ask.  He reminded me how I wanted stop wasting food I bought and just cook.  Food waste is my own personal pet peeve knowing how many people in my town are going without food and also the environmental impact it has in a landfill.  So, I looked to see what I had.  Lettuce, radishes, cucumbers, spinach, cherry tomatoes, olives (a bizarre amount of black olives which I can’t explain), various cheeses and eggs.  As there is only one of me, I knew that I just had to make 3 things and I’d have lunch and dinner all week.

Typically, I make a salad dressing, but I was lazy and bought Newman’s Caesar Salad dressing as it states that all profits go to charity.  How much do they consider profit is something I don’t know, but I felt good about my decision – like my purchase would help someone in need.   I knew I needed protein, so I picked up a roasted chicken, and diet cola (I openly admit I like my 1 caffeinated soda at lunch otherwise I was set for the week.

As of this morning’s posting, I still have some salad in my fridge.  I tried to have a large dinner plate size of salad most days, but I swear the bowl I filled with all sorts of veggies has to be magical because I didn’t start to see a dent in the salad until my 4th salad.  Besides the chicken, there were days I put a large glob of hummus and some canned beans into the salad instead.  I have to confess, I do love a salad once it’s made, but not sure I could have a daily salad on a consistent basis.  However, salad for one meal, an entire week, every 2 to 3 months, could be something I could live with.

The rest of the veggies ended up in what I’d like to call my refrigerator frittata.  Asparagus, spinach, cherry tomatoes, onions along with bacon are cooked and then placed in the bottom of a pie dish, with various types of grated cheese (I had a Cabot sharp white cheddar which I mixed with grated Manchego and Parmesan.  I had no clue if the flavors went together, but luckily, they did).  I poured my egg and cream mixture in, put in an inordinate amount of black pepper into the mixture and topped with more grated cheese. 35 to 40 minutes later @350 in my toaster oven (which I love, love, love), out comes lunch for the week, plus a dinner and a Saturday breakfast.  I really didn’t have a clue if this dish would work, but it did.  Actually, it worked so well that after heating it up in the office a colleague had to peer over my cube to see what I was eating as it smelled so good; and it inspired another one to make a quiche that night for dinner.

In addition to the salad and frittata, I made a bean mixture in which I sautéed dark red kidney beans, black beans, spinach, onions and dried spices (salt, pepper, smoked paprika, cayenne and oregano).  Other than adding this mixture once to one of my salad meals, I have a huge container of this left in my fridge as I continue the game of What’s in My Fridge, but this week I’ll be adding in components from my freezer (this should be interesting as I have a stash of Omaha Steaks, and a baguette in the freezer which I am not sure what I’m going to do with.  If you think about it, you really can’t break it up and use in multiple things, but I’ll figure it out).  The bean mixture will be great on a crispy potato galette with 2 eggs over easy on top of the bean mixture.  I know people who are not fans of a runny yoke, but that is definitely not me. YUM.

It’s amazing how 1 or 2 dishes can become 10 to 12 meals, and I’m now beginning to understand why my mother had a rotation of meals day-in-and-day-out week-after-week when I was growing up.  I have to admit, while I do like to cook, it was nice not having to think this past week, and just reach into the fridge and pull out lunch and dinner.

This week, I see some veggie soups in my future because we’re getting a real blast of winter’s numbing cold temps.  Besides, I’m always trying to figure out a way to get more veggies into my diet.

What Brings You Comfort?

Posted on by littlemsblogger

For some, it’s being around a loved one; for others it’s getting a comforting hug (my ex-husband gave the best hugs); and yet others it is a childhood dish your mom used to make.

I can run off lists of things that will put a smile on my face, but I think in the end, Comfort is one of the best feelings in the world.  For me, it feels like I’ve been washed over by a tidal wave that doesn’t drown me, but brings me an overwhelming sense of peace.  I don’t know about you but it’s during these moments I feel the most confident, have the most clarity, but more importantly, it’s when I feel the most loved.

After two marriages, it wasn’t until last year around this time that I decided I no longer wanted or cared to have another relationship.  I was raised by a mother who taught me to put marriage first, career second, and we never talked about what I needed.  Family was supposed to be it for me.  She never mentioned that I should be happy in a marriage or how I should learn to voice my opinion to be happy.  Instead, I followed her example of always seeking the approval of my partner, or shutting down because I lost my voice.  So, when I made this decision last year, it was both freeing and odd.

After the dust settled from ending a 10-year relationship, I realized I had other relationships which were lopsided.  It wasn’t just my marriage that I was making concessions in, it was also in some of my friendships.  I was really mad at me for not thinking I deserved more and am now okay with these relationships because I am finally able to see who they are, and recognize I needed to stop fitting a round peg in a square hole.  It doesn’t work with wooden blocks, and it definitely doesn’t work with people.

Finally seeing what I needed in my personal relationships, helped me determine what I needed when I went searching for my next job.  For so long, I never looked at my overall experience and instead only focused on my shortcomings (i.e, working for failed start-ups, working in 3 different industries, working a cross gamut of positions with no experience because I was referred into the position because people believed that I could).  When I began interviewing for my current employer, I realized as I began telling my story I had a solid and unique work history.  I worked for startups, actively participated on the due diligence of an IPO and then moved from business development and sales to legal and sourcing in a Fortune 500 and Fortune 15 company.  I’m at a place where I’m both challenged and my experience is being valued.

Why am I sharing all this?  Well, in order to find Comfort, I had to be very uncomfortable with me before I would allow myself to believe that I both deserved, and was able to accept it into my life.  I also needed to change some of my behaviors to create my own definition of Comfort.  For me, Comfort means:

  • Security – which is why a particular childhood dish will invoke that memory for me because it was before I had to worry about anything;
  • Rituals – I’ve established Saturday mornings for cleaning, which leaves the afternoons for me; and have created a sleep regime which makes me happier the next day;
  • Establishing Time Boundaries – this one has been a crucial one for me. It combines Rituals, but has me recognize that, for the moment, doing a million things in one day is not good for my health.  As I slowly regain my strength, I’ll add more and more, but will know to say no when I’ve reached my limit;
  • No Expectations – as I am learning to stop analyzing people and situations, I’m learning to accept a kind gesture as just that. I find I’m much happier because I’m just enjoying it. and
  • Adding Sparkle to My Life – that could be going to a movie or a concert, getting a facial, or setting aside designated time to spend time with friends.

I guess Comfort means prioritizing me and saying no to things or people that, for the moment, drain me physically or emotionally.  As I write this, I realize Comfort to me really means ‘life’ in the phrase ‘work-life’ balance.

So, what does Comfort mean to you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Month One of Cooking at Home

Posted on by littlemsblogger

I started this year long project because I got sick of paying a lot of money for mediocre take-out and deliveries.  I also wanted to start taking off the post-it tabs from the recipes I earmarked in my cookbooks, but I’m already seeing changes in me that I hadn’t expected.

I’ve always been one of those individuals that needed to have a goal.  An end-result.  A finish-line.  Although, I’ve always wanted to be one of those individuals who got more from the journey than the end result, the truth is, when I focus so hard on the finish line it is not always obvious to see what I learned about myself during the process.  Don’t misunderstand me, I always try to look for the lesson to be learned during a trying experience, but I’m not one to veer off the course or try a different approach to reach the finish line.  Instead, I plan things out, analyze, analyze and analyze some more before I revamp my plan and then have to overanalyze my new plan.  Yup, I’m a die-hard over analyzer.

Earlier this week I told my sister that February was my month to master my Instant Pot and all dinners would be made in an Instant Pot.  While I do want to overcome my fear of using the Instant Pot, I thought why am I setting up such rigid rules around something when there doesn’t need to be?  I don’t want every meal to be made in my Instant Pot, or be vegan, or vegetarian for the next month.  I want to cook food that captures my taste buds – or food that I think might do that.

January was a month where I learned that red pepper flakes, anchovies, coconut milk and fish sauce do produce flavors that dance on my tongue and make my mouth water.  It was also the month that no matter how popular a dish is on the Internet, or how beautiful it is pictured in a cookbook, it still could taste like shit to me.  In the past, I would automatically think I screwed up the recipe because I’d think if so many people love this recipe, I must have cooked it wrong.  After cooking 2 horrible meals, in which I followed the recipes, I realized it wasn’t how I cooked something, it was that I just didn’t like it.  No need to re-attempt the dish as the cookbook author will never know or care that I didn’t enjoy their dish.  Besides so many flavor combinations are out there for me to try.

So, what did I really learn this month?  Well, I learned that sometimes it’s best to let a bad thing go because not everything can be fixed.   I also learned I hate batch cooking, and actually enjoy cooking a meal at night.  While I hate to clean, cleaning up after cooking doesn’t take as long in practice as it does in my head, but what I learned most is that cooking recipes with ingredients I normally wouldn’t, made me happy.  I’m stepping out of my comfort zone with flavors and as bizarre as it sounds, I hesitate before I make something I normally wouldn’t.  I also learned, that for the moment, KFC makes great fried chicken and I feel no need to clean up that cooking mess or live with the smell of fried oil for weeks.

In regards to recipes, I cooked a lot of Melissa Clark and Alison Roman recipes this month and really loved 4 recipes:  a tuna in oil dip from the book Dinner by Melissa Clark (this recipe has converted me on realizing anchovies can be very tasty and not fishy in a recipe); Chicken Slow-Cooked in Olive Oil by Alison Roman (you can get off this recipe off the Internet – although I changed her recipe by adding 2 potatoes to the party, used 2 lemons instead of one and eliminated 1 head of garlic instead using 2 as the recipe calls for}; a Thai-Inspired Chicken Meatball Soup from the NYTimes (If you’re a good cook, always read the comments.  I’m glad I did because I modified the meatballs and added more broth to make a very satisfying and refreshing Asian flavor inspired soup thanks to reading the comments); and finally I made a recipe entitled: Easy and Fast Thai Shrimp Soup from a chef in the Berkshires that I found in the Berkshires Edible magazine.  As a non-lover of red or green peppers and basil, this recipe converted me – just as Melissa Clarke did with anchovies.   I am really beginning to understand the need for certain flavors in recipes.  However, I’m not sure anyone will ever be able to convince me of the magical power fennel supposedly offers up.

Some things about this year long project still ring true for me – I want to become a better cook and have signed up online for some cooking classes and am also watching more cooking shows.  I have started reading the cookbooks I pull recipes from.  In the past, I would just use the cookbook for the recipe, but now I’m reading some tips that I’d normally skim over.  I’d also like to become faster at my prep which may happen, but no real guarantee on that.  For the moment, I’m just learning to change my mindset and recognize that cooking isn’t a chore, but time I take at the end of the day just for me to create a meal.  I hope I discover more recipes that make me go “yummmm” after my first mouthful, and also continue to try new recipes I’m challenged by so I overcome my fear of failing.  I figure if I conquer it in cooking, I’ll be able to overcome that fear with other parts of my life.

Changes to Fit My Lifestyle

Posted on by littlemsblogger

There’s nothing like being diagnosed with a chronic disease to shake up your world. This past Fall, I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, and initially was reading everything I could get my hands on until I scared myself into a panic mode.

It’s been 3 months, I’m on some meds, going back for blood work next week and can honestly say it sucks and blows and doesn’t help when pharmaceutical t.v. ads make it look like having this disease (yes, Type II Diabetes is a disease and not an illness because I was curious and Googled the question) is just a hiccup if you take their medication. All I have to say is this:

B U L L S H I T

I’ve have had side effects from the meds, and that is not what this post is all about, so I’ll get to the point of this post….learning how to live with it, and also learning what it means to put me first.

When I wrote my resolution post, I wrote about how important it was for me to just attempt something because I’m learning how to live differently. Years ago, working out was no problem for me. I would work out on the treadmill, go to kickboxing classes (oh, how I long to punch the living shit out of a hanging punching bag and hope to again within the next 24 months), but for now, too many days I awake so stiff and sore that I cry. I should also mention that I have arthritis in one knee and psoriasis which means either ailment can keep me awake if I have a flare up. This week I wanted to go to the gym the 2 days I work from home and then this weekend I’d walk outside, preferably in nature, but things don’t always go the way I plan them in my head. On Tuesday, when I awoke, all I could think was: “There is no way on God’s green earth, I’m getting in a car, driving in the dark to the gym, and walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes.” I was in so much pain just getting out of bed, but didn’t want to give up on me and remembered I have a Gaia.com membership.

I’ve had this membership since November 2018 with the hopes of taking up yoga. Over the years, I’ve taken yoga at various places, even private lessons, but between being inflexible and smothering myself with my boobs, I never gravitated towards being a yogi. However, I realized over the holidays, that there could possibly be some ‘gentle’ yoga classes for me and happened upon chair yoga.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be doing chair yoga, or think it may be challenging. I walked a marathon, hiked the Grand Canyon and kayaked 13.5 miles, and here I was, realizing that chair yoga was all that I could handle at this point in my life.

It’s interesting that my first thought was about feeling defeated that I couldn’t make it to the gym, instead of recognizing the fact that I didn’t give up on me and go back to sleep. I got up and did a chair yoga workout which was exactly what I needed. Because it’s gentle and in a chair, I didn’t have to worry about getting in-and-out of positions, and was able to focus on the gentle stretching that my body desperately needed.

Other things I’m learning about what I need, is that time is a very precious commodity to me. At the moment, things take me longer to do, and I do need to go to bed at 10 pm if I want to be a functioning human being the next day. Up until recently, I gave away my time to other people and would fret over not getting things done on my weekends. Because I’m just beginning to recognize what is important to me, I embrace JOMO (the Joy of Missing Out). I know I need to be happy, deserve to be happy, and am learning how important it is to put me first. No longer do I feel the need to explain to someone why I can’t get together with them, I just say I have plans. I’m learning to create a balanced personal life comprised of home chores, errands, spending part of my Sundays cooking for the week, and, of course, doing something just for me.

I’m also learning that once a night owl, I’m most productive in the morning and am doing all my chores or workouts in the morning because as the day rolls along, I just want to put my head down and sleep for 20 minutes to 2 hours (hey, sometimes a 2 hour nap is heavenly, not that I’ve had one in ages, but it can be).

The only positive thing about this disease is that it is forcing me to figure out what truly makes me happy. Because I’m being forced to really listen to what I want, I’m finally learning how to walk away from situations or people that just frustrate or anger me.

Grocery Shopping in a Non-Plastic Bag State

Posted on by littlemsblogger

Today’s post is short, sweet, and a rant.  I’m all for saving the environment, but why do people think just because you have nice canvas bags that you want every single canned good in that one bag?  I typically bring about 20 bags, but when I lift the bag the cashier just filled and load into my cart I notice  how insanely heavy it is.  Has my cashier just become my personal trainer without my knowledge?  When I ask if I can bag my own stuff, as I’m pulling stuff from the bag they’ve packed and dispersing it among 3, I’m usually told no.  My comment about the weight of the bag is typically ignored because the bags become heavier and heavier.

I am starting to believe this is a new game among cashiers entitled “let’s see how many times I can get a customer to whine about the weight of their bag I just packed.”

New Year’s Resolutions – The Act of Just Attempting Something

Posted on by littlemsblogger

Sounds a bit lazy, but hear me out.  For the people who can create goals and be successful at achieving them, I say kudos to you and I think of you as an unicorn:  magical and something that I’ve never seen.  For the rest of the us, have you ever set a goal of becoming healthier only to find your local gym insanely packed deterring you from entering; or see a co-worker start bringing salads for the month of January and then back to eating from the cafeteria in your office building by March 1st?

I can say, I’ve made resolutions many times, and then just stopped making them as I wasn’t successful at keeping them.  My thought process was why bother, but this year, I decided to change things up.  I’ve decided, it’s okay to fail at something, but it’s not okay to even make an attempt.  My goals are also going to be geared at making me happier.  And being happier means being emotionally healthier.

Last year I quit a job that was toxic for me and found one that I’m very happy in.   Now it is time to work on improving my personal life.  Somewhere along my path, I started to become more fearful of failure. Maybe it had to do with growing older and thinking I couldn’t recover from a mistake, or maybe as I got older I thought I should have the knowledge and years of experience to do something well.  Basically, I’d end up berating me for not being successful at whatever I was attempting.  I am truly my harshest critic…..and I’m going to work on turning off that inner critic to begin attempting new things.

I think the moment I stopped trying something new is the moment I stopped growing as a person.  Now that I’m at a company where I’m thrown things to work on that I have never done, I find it exciting and maybe that is why I am finding the courage again to try new things.

I recently read this quote: “What if you just did it your own way?  No rules, no right or wrong, just what you think is beautiful”.  Unfortunately, not sure who said this, but I like the concept of giving myself permission to not play by the rules, to be true to me, and taking the time needed to figure out what I do want to try.

My goals to many may seem boring, but I know they will make me happy in the long run.  So here they are in no particular order:

  • Get into a sleep regime. This means shutting down technology 1 hour before bed and journaling or reading a chapter in a book to decompress;
  • If you read my last post you know I plan to cook this year, but I really want to tackle recipes that I’d typically walk away from because I thought them to be too advanced for me;
  • Get into a workout routine – 3 days a week, but keeping an open mind that 30 minutes could be a walk in the neighborhood, on a treadmill, stretching because I’m horribly sore that day or just dancing to music that makes me happy;
  • Reviving my yard and finally dealing with all the overgrowth and creating a yard with color. Currently, it’s a hot mess, and I truly feel sorry for my neighbors who have to look at it.
  • Once a month either go to a concert, art gallery, play or cooking class. I love creative things as it re-energizes me, so, now I’m making it a priority.  I recently read this passage in a magazine and it resonated with me:  “Rewarding Moments – Whether it’s a yoga retreat or tickets to a symphony, spending money on events and adventures can make us happier overall.”  I bought a series of concert tickets this fall for my city’s local symphony and have to admit I got lost in both the music played and the synchronized movement of the violinists; and finally
  • Learning to put me first which means it’s okay to be selfish with my time. Time is truly a commodity with which I’m no longer willing to give away so easily.  Years ago, I read a book from Cheryl Richardson in which she wrote about the premise about listening to your gut when someone asks you to do something.  Basically, if you have to think about an invitation or try to justify why or how you can make it work, you probably will not enjoy it.  I sense there will be a lot of ‘no’ in this upcoming year.

Will I be successful at every single goal?  Who knows, but I want to at least try.  If I put my resolutions on hold because other parts of my life takeover, I won’t care because I’ll know that I’ve figured out what will make me happy this year and will go after it.  I think I had always thought of a New Year’s Resolution as some horrible task that I had to do and always associated resolutions with hard work, pain and no enjoyment.  If they say the journey is supposed to be the most important part of reaching your goal, how could it be if you’re thinking the resolution is a punishment?