Patchy, at best

As the physical effects of my broken back, spinal infection, paralysis and operation are absorbed, improved and accommodated, and my dear friends and family are rewarded for their love, concern and support , I hope, by my progress (3 times out on my own this weekend), I am finding more time to examine my own  mind.Thanks largely to a lot of counselling from a certain friend, I have overcome many crises and low points and have become fairly well reconciled to who I am and what I have become, both physically and mentally. I have acknowledged the link between who I am, how I behave and how my body functions. I think (hope?)I have become a "better" person, happier in myself and through that, happier in my relationships with other people.
My chief worry is memory loss and whatever behavioural symptoms I exhibited. I have no idea how I was behaving to make M leave me 17 months ago, days after I returned from the North Pole, or to make my son so angry with me. I know I remember some things and not others ("there were riots last August???", but then again, last August I remember having a vomitting fit at St Pancras and ended up with an ambulance, a hospital and a hotel bill, where I was going, I have no idea) ). I know last January and February are pretty blank (but I remember Cuba), as are much of April to July. Then I woke up in a Morphine induced Haze, with screaming agony, no legs and an obsession to escape from Addenbrooke's. Going through old emails, notebooks (memory loss had already lead to notebooks), Facebook etc has made me realise what I have lost: hot dates, an invite to a sold out concert by the performer himself (why? how?), relationships I had forgotten I had. Many relationships were unaffected, some became distant and slightly accusatory ("it's all my fault"), others I have had to apologise and rekindle. But what about the relationships to which I have found reference or pictures but no name? Who were they? Where are they? There were many and the number gets larger as I dig deeper. Perhaps it shows the ultimate shallowness of internet relationships, but then again I still have as friends many folk who were originally internet friends but have since become real friends, and all my friends become more real to me because of my experience, which is ongoing due to injury and continuing iffy memory. I value (if not recall) what I have. Now, where was I?

Chat-up Lines, Post Paralysis

I had a visit from a childhood friend today. We had re-established contact by e-mail earlier this year(I don't remember how) and had established that we had had griefy personal relationships, grown up children, depression, personal injury (eg she lost an eye in a car accident, I have trouble with my leg), Venezuela, northern latitudes (Iceland, Spitsbergen) etc in common, before it all faded away around last May as my mental facilities slowly sunk into a dark and murky place and I forgot even yesterday.

I managed to contact her again from hospital after I had trawled my emails to try to make sense of the first six months of the year, and she came over to the hospital. What a merry chat we had. She taught me that I am not fully recovered, in that I tend to burble on and then forget where I had started, something I need to get under control, but nonetheless, loads in common, plenty to build on, potential at least as long lost friends.

We parted on good, affectionate terms, inspite me making pirate comments about her patch (never been done before, of course). My email to her after was a bit premature (I am stuck in here for months), but hey, I thought this worked:

"I hope you feel the same about doing it again. I can just see us hanging about in a bar, you with yer eyepatch, me with me chair, putting the world to rights, drinking rum, as the rest of the customers give us a wide berth".

Legless

What a struggle this is becoming. I can barely move without excruciating pain in my stomach and back. I have no legs, arse or dick that I know about. No feeling, dead, gone. I am incontinent. I have my nappy and bed changed whilst naked and in pain (I have to roll, or be rolled). I cannot contemplate a wheelchair until my next op in 2 weeks due to the 10/10 pain (ie total loss of control, screaming, sweating, being stabbed.... ). All leading from breaking my back in March, and a subsequent infection (abcesses) in my lower spine and from drinking too much. It would have been so much easier to continue on my planned Trans Siberian Express trip to Bejing and Australia.

All I do is read, watch TV, ebay, FB etc. No more leaping eagerly out of bed for me. My legs ache, strangely, even though they arent there. The nurses gather eagerly in my room (room personalised with posters, cd player, gadgets and trinkets etc) each day to see what has arrived from ebay or Amazon.

As you may know, I am planning for the future,for a place of my own, for some sort of mobility, for bowel control, for independence, for travel (I know not with whom), to be an example, to overcome, and have had praise for my attitude.

But I wonder if I am just fooling myself and others, being my usual trivial self, and shying away from the awful truth of life coping with pain, shit, wheelchairs, pity, self-pity, no sex, falling, steps, dependency, planning ahead, isolation, penury, etc etc? This really bothers me. I just hope the first is correct and I continue to "inspire" and to give.

Friends helps me be positive, and all the cards and calls and visits. But it is hard work, especialy late at night (04.00 sleep quite often). My Mum had to postpone her visit to Australia, but she has been a rock for me now I am off the Morphine, as have sisters and children and my friends, some of whom I have become very close to. All the dozens of nurses and my family have remarked on the utter change in my mental health and happy demeanour over the last 6 weeks, so at least I have my head together, and hopefully the madness and breakdown are over. Life for me is now an OPPORTUNITY with a wheelchair. It certainly makes you grow up (even if you end up a couple of feet shorter).

There, rant over. I hope you forgive me. I truly have no memory of most of the last 2 or 3 years.

Women

I suppose living life to the full, exploring and travel, throwing things away, living life for the Journey, is pretty much a turn off for the women I meet. I went into the pub for the football tonight: must talk to her more: she knows my pint, (My pint was waiting on the bar) I dont go there very often, but obviously someone at least pays me some attention: my gait, my broken back and I know nothing about her. Aha! new project! I suppose Trans-Siberian (failed) is better than Trans-Siberian (never attempted)

Screaming Ab Dabs

Back at the end of March, I was in Berlin, about to embark on the train to Moscow and thereafter the Trans-Siberian Express to Beijing vis Mongolia, from Beijing to Sydney and then Cairns to see cousin and aunt. Pretty much the voyage of a lifetime. As I recall I slipped on the hotel stairs (says me) whilst trying to carry my heavy case down to the reception. Whatever, the ambulance came and I was taken to Hospital Charite Mitte, Berlin. Be and my son arrived to help and get me home because I had broken my back and slotted some ribs. After 4 days I was allowed out and returned home and eventually found my way back to the icy Fenland wasteland I have apparently made my home. I keep myself busy, applying for jobs, exploring the area, trying to make friends without appearing desperate yada yada yada Then one morning May, after visiting my womanfriend in London, changing trains at Hitchin for Cambridge, I had a vommitting fit on the platform and collapsed, requiring a further ambulance and hospital visit (Stevenage this time).I had achieved rebreaking the aforementioned back and ribs, this time a little worse. I cautiously made my way back home. Now I awake anytime betweem 3am and 6am with the screaming abdabs, due to my ribs and back bones settling in the night. It takes up to an hour to get dressed because of the pain. I walk with a stick, and not far, at that. The stick takes the weight off my back and helps me stay upright. My doctor has put me on 210 tablets a week, which is OK if I keep them down (vitamins, anti depressant, painkiller etc). Eventually he decided to prescribe Morphine (ooh goody, I thought) After only 3 days I throw up not long after my 2nd dose of the day. I cant tell if I had absorbed it or not, so didnt dare take a replacement, and I didnt want to as they were doing strange things to me. I talked to the doctor and he agreed I could stop. Trouble is I had already taken enough to get withdrawl symptoms, I sweat and itch (I have a gaping wound on my stomach which I created with my own fingernails). Additionally I now have two worlds to live in, this one and the other, both equally realistic, so I have to really divide the two, I regularly get up in the night after popping out of Dreamworld to check there is no-one else here in the house ("ah This House") I am entitled to a Blue Badge and still apply for as many suitable jobs as I can find. I do not use "disability" on application forms as that would too selfish. Come along bones, come on warm weather.

Voyage and Love is what has been my experience and desire. It doesn't always work, but is always a goal.

It's Been Awhile

It has been nearly a month since I posted here. I had forgotten about it to be honest. Korsakoff's doesn't help, nor dealing with a broken back and Osteoperosis and drinking too much. Trans-Siberian will have to wait, as will many other things. I cope, up here in the Fens, but there are days when I never speak a word to anyone. I apply for jobs most days (2 today, and Employment Support Allowance) but there is note out there. Korsakoff's is nasty: I hadnt remembered my new female friend had been here. Arse! Doesn't do romance any good. Full up with benefits claims, selling boat, looking for work, looking for woman, leaving booze. Living on air as far as I know

Fortune

This is ridiculous. I have spent the morning walking into March to do my shopping, smiling at all I see. My new Best Woman is due here in 48 hours (we still are talking for ever), and she says she loves me (Ooooooooooh warm). I am going on the Trans-Siberian Railway to Beijing next week, and then to Australia to see my best Cousin. The house is clean and tidy. Bed changed, car washed.The sun is shining. I have spoken to Gill, mother, daughter, friend. I have had a personal email from my best folk singer, offering me spare tickets for a London sell-out. The sun is still shining. I want to spread love and joy. Where has my mood gone?

Futile Gestures

The cold, The wind
Loneliness
Behind the thick walls
Are friends, family
A fire
Comfort
Peace


Out there
In the vast wilderness
I found a young woman
She was lost
As was I
Put our lostness together
And we found an address

Do these work?
Or are they shamefully slack?

Sales

"I dont need property (except books and music and a few family heirlooms(maybe 5 items of furniture, which I can pass on, and clothes and toilet stuff). I have a car which does it's job, which is all that is intended for, my boat is intended to give pleasure to others for a season after which I can sell, I dont own a house, or have a job, I have some capital, I am doing the major voyage of my life (outside relationships). I do need love and warmth. I never do evil. I do like having a phone and computer and best friends and drink and fags. I will never be a CEO. I have worked hard all my life eg 36 hour shifts and brought up my children without their mother. I buy people random presents, anonymously where poss. I love women that love me. That's the package".
Crikey that were comprehensive, wasnt it? Will shut up now, after the sales message.
This were my message to herself. Oh god what have I said?

Slow March

I was really down today.I was out in the grey bleakness to Whittlesey and Wisbech (to get the stereo and the notebook laptop fixed, respectively) and just found it unbearable to be up here in the Fens, far from anyone, when the longest face to face conversation I get is with the doctor's receptionist, or the guy who sold me a new stereo. And then I got myself in a panic about my trip and how far away from you I would be and how difficult, lonely and dangerous it might be at a time when I have more important things to do. And I started worrying about my two hospital appointments (fingers going May 10). And then how lonely it all is and I wished had friends here and that I had a job (if only to keep me off the bottle and give me someone to talk to). And how patronising to me my mother and son have been to me this week. And I cried with self pity several times, which makes it a little difficult to drive. And then wondered if I was actually very depressed again, but the tablets always give me ALL the side-effects (except suicide). And then a Seasick Steve track made my cry again. And I thought of my first hospital appointment in 12 days and I remembered [you] would be there and I smiled for the first time today (at 13.45)

Kind March People

Yesterday I was in Lidl (who have world's best creamy yoghurt) and joined the queue at the checkout.The couple in front had a bulging trolley, so they were kind enough to let me through. A minute later, they let a woman through who only had 2 bars of chocolate, so I let her through too. Just as I got served they let a man through who had a basketfull. They were still unloading their trolley as the three of us left the store. Good result all round thanks to a bit of thoughtful kindness.
Later in Costcutter (I do the posh shops, me) to buy some ciggies, a man actually took several steps in front of me in order to open and hold the door for me. I dont look THAT ill or old, so I put it down to more thoughful kindness. March people seem to be like that as this wasn't the first time that people have held doors open for me. (Maybe I DO look old and ill?)

New Romance

I appear to have a new and burgeoning relationship. We both have our ongoing mental and family problems, but that makes us have something in common. We both have grown up children, are both divorced/partnerless and have known each other a long time, we can talk forever (the record is 13 hours non stop), we have been together, she has tolerated a 9 hour gall stone related vomitting fit by me, as has her daughter. I am facebook friends with her and her youngest girl. We get more explicit with each email. Couldn't have done that 10 years ago, when you had to live in the same village, or go to the same skool. Is looking good. Sweetheart.

Cuba

It is well known that I went to Cuba recently,as part of the 54th Nordic Brigade. 12 of us from the UK (and Sri Lanka) and more from Scandinavia and Germany and Slovenia.
Part of the time was spent working at CIJAM

I appeared to be the first person to be on first name terms with the staff, probably cos I spent too much time here,"Companero Andido" , skiving from some of the cultural/political stuff

I also got to handle a machete for clearing a field. I am sure Cubans could have done it but it was great to see the field full of seedlings after our efforts. They let ME have a machete??!

They also had one of these:

I fed it by hand and stroked its' nose (not)

Goods and Bads

This last 12 months:
went to Norway and Sptizbergen
bought a boat
went to Germany, Austria, Italy, Switezrland, France
Worked/toured Cuba for three weeks
Made new friends
Renewed old frienships
Got to know who his real friends are

But
lost his house
lost his job
lost his woman
got prosecuted for assault

Mother

You made me cry. I love my wonderful children, I have had a fairly unusual experience in bringing them up without their mother (who just asked for my address! She has been here). My current freedom is very lonely and I am still finding out who my friends are (just spent 40 mins on the phone to one of them, 2 hrs last night to another. I can rock, if I want to!). "yo soy bueno, y como bueno
moriré de cara al sol. I am a good man, and as a good man, I shall die facing the sun". Jose Marti
Scared stiff about Trans Siberian. I know I have a lot of people that care about me (that is an achievement in itself!), but I also care about other people, so that balances out.
Am looking forward to Saturday/Sunday

Life's Little Mysteries

Why is it that duvet covers always get filled with rest of the wash when you open the machine?
Why does the Tangle Fairy always tie knots in any computer or telephone leads when you take from wherever it was stored, even if it was put away neatly?
Why does the Trip Fairy attack me on my boat or in my kitchen, resulting in several hospitalisations?
Why does the Job Fairy ignore me?
Tchoh.

Grown Up

Love you xx xx xx

-----Original Message-----

From: A YOUNG
Sent: 26 Feb 2012 00:16:57 GMT
To: JustinYoung,hollyyoung
Subject: I sent you this before

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. [Robert Frost]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyLOkbW9yCI
I know I sent this link ages ago
Goodnight my children. I love you.
I hope I have been and will be, a good father to you both
And dont worry, this is just a late night note, nothing more, so dont you dare ring me if you are still up;-)
Glad I could help with Melissa's homework
And

yo soy bueno, y como bueno
moriré de cara al sol.
For Holly
I am a good man
and as a good man
I will die facing the sun
[Jose Marti, who died facing the sun in Cuba, before firing a shot in battle]

Whatever you need, just ask
AndyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxDad

Things Looking Up

From being jobless, houseless, womanless, lonely and isolated in the icy wastes of Fenland, I suddenly I have friends up the road, a grand-neice in my town, the chatroom and Facebook suddenly burst into life, arranging visits to female friends next month.
Just need a job, less heartbreak, and to drink less (I have time, boredom and money)
Best Sunday for nearly a year. Thank you my friends.

And I have a sweary CD by David Ford (Austerity Measures). "We're just slaves on a ship, so we'd better fucking row"

Achieved nothing much today, except for downloading some stuff. March (not Feb) this one up here is cold and windy and flat and no friends so far. Fortunately my few visitors have discovered I am not living under a bridge (yes I know) surrounded by empty cans.
It is cold and lonely and jobless though
Anyone reading this, I would like some human contact 01354 657227
I know it will happen (woman, job, I know I have friends) but I need to have the patience

Berney Arms

Well I am going to Berney Atms tomorrow on the way from Norwich to Great Yarmouth. Because I can. Possibly the most redundant railway in the country.
Norfolk Joke:
Man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop. Bus turns up, driver says" Ow you gettin orn then?"

Cuba Libre V

Result from the Cambs Times!
http://www.cambstimes.co.uk/news/campaigner_andy_asks_president_obama_to_release_cuban_prisoners_but_gets_no_response_1_1188569

Cuba Libre IV

Cuba Photos

Cuba Libre III

Whilst in Habana, I got invited back to a family home. One way or another I managed to spend 20 Convertibles ($20) on drinks and stuff, and managed to drop a further 50 on the floor which wasnt returned. Sorry, but no. So I escaped.  I wont be doing that again. Not only that but either the drink was drugged or it was 80% rum in the Mojito, as I had to be escorted by the lovely Tania for the next 2 hours as I swayed through the city streets. Fool.

Cuba Libre II

My part of the on-stage performance at the Camparmento Internacionale Julio Antonio Mella, Cuba,  was to read some poetry.
I read these in both english and spanish:
"I leave no trace of wings in the air, but I am glad I had my flight" (Tagore)
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled. And that has made all the difference" (Frost)
"I am good, and as a good man, I will die facing the sun" (Marti)
I think it went OK

Cuba Libre

I am getting a reputation for doing my own thing: everyone seems to know my name. More washing after agriculture.
Next day up at 6, kiddies performance at 10, and then a revelation: my feelings about life from an early age, the relative chaos of my life; my dislike of conformity (for myself); my wonderful friends and children; what Beatte saw in me; but Melanie couldn't bear or see; Fromm; Marti; Guevara; losing my job, house, woman; Decluttering. All one really needs is warmth, clothing, food, a roof, a few books, family, friends, emotions. That is all.
And Seasick Steve

Cuba Bloggage: Fishing with my own Net Part 1

My mother took me to the airport, which was unexpected (at least by me). My mother, my family, my friends, all seem to support this trip into the unknown. Met all the others in the group in the terminal, and headed off into the sky for the great Cuba Solidarity trip.For 400 years Cuba was downtrodden by the Spanish and has now had 100 years of the Americans.
Went to the Camaparmento Internacilionale Julio Antonio Mella http://www.siporcuba.cl/CIJAM.htm. Made friends, became a "Gasolina" (hmm, nuff said). Everybody (Cubans and the Brigada Nordica exchanging stuff).
I cycled in the tropical heat through the orchards, Che on the wall, avoiding the lectures going on. If this is being, I am up for it! Spoke to my daughter. I love her so much.
I may have fallen over unconcious, in the evening, but I wouldn't know.
Day 2: clearing fields, covered in red sticky mud. They could market this stuff as glue or clothes dye. Relaxed after work around the village, a lot of existence for existence sake (says me, who knows nothing), let us just say, non capitalist tropicalism (until the Lion roars!)'
Manana