Ghosts of Christmases Past

(retro post from December 2016)
Originally, this post was going to be titled "Why I Hate Christmas" but there's just too much hate on the internet these days and there's way too high of a probability that another entity has used a similar click bait title on their site. It also didn't properly describe how I was feeling or what I wanted to talk about. I was raised in a very loving, Christian home. My parents were parents to those who didn't have the best family lives. I didn't realize how much I took for granted until Thanksgiving break when we had a surprise visit by a long time family friend, E. He was in town and had gone for a drive and ended up coming straight to our house. He had been good friends with my brother and our moms had been very good friends for many years until their family moved away a couple of years ago. Anyway, E's parents were going through a pretty messy divorce and he flew out to Utah to support his mom during this difficult time (E's married and has 2 little ones). We were headed out the door before he came but waited for a bit while he visited with us. As we walked him out to the front door, I could feel how deeply E had needed this visit. The one place where he could feel safe and that everything was okay before he plunged back into the difficult issue of his parents' divorce. It would be finalized around Christmas time. Yeah, that's a GREAT memory to re-live every year. E reflected on that and dejectedly uttered, "I HATE Christmas." Three words to describe all the feelings that one feels when their family is being torn apart. 

In spite of that really sad moment, my brain starting thinking about how certain homes and families can become safe spaces. I can't take such things for granted because my family's home is one of them. While we are far from perfect, we are a safe space. Over the years, there have been a handful of other people's children who have shown up on our doorstep seeking sanctuary. Some during the day, others in the dead of night. So my hope is that my own home will be a safe place and sanctuary to myself and others. I think that's a good place to start.

"I could have been a great many things."

Whether you are here because you liked the quote, you love my blog writings (liar) or you just wanted to click on the ALL THE THINGS picture, I welcome you.

This actual quote is said by Jo March in Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. Although I read the book as a tweenager, I remember it best from the 1994 movie with Winona Ryder, Susan Sarandon, Trini Alvarado, Claire Daines and Kirsten Dunst (my favorite adaptation).

In the movie, the scene is set as Jo and Professor Bhaer are at dinner in their boardinghouse with the rest of the men, discussing why women should vote.

I have long wished to reflect my own feelings of Jo March’s words because I have felt her sentiments quite consistently over the past 31 years I’ve spent on this blue planet. The words echo through my mind like an existential bad dream with WAY too many choices. “I could’ve been a great many things.” Can’t I still BE a great many things? My life is far from being over. I realize daily the many gifts and talents I’ve been given and frankly it’s a little frustrating to just choose one to excel at. So I settle for being relatively good at most.

In my mind, I realize how much I limit myself because of fear and my own misconceptions of how I’m seen by others. I know I have dealt with paralyzing fear for my entire life. It’s nothing new. ‘Yet, I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made (Mosiah 7:18).’ quotes the pessimist in me (or realist, depends on your perspective). One day I will overcome it. Until then, I have to decide WHO I want to be. For some reason, I grew up with the notion that people are categorized by static likes and dislikes, careers and thoughts and opinions. Boy, was I surprised when I found out that this is not actually the case. There are some (read: very few) who know exactly what they like, dislike, think, care about, etc. with very little variation, BUT in truth, most people change and it is gradual, rather than erratic changes. WELL. I haven’t found that balance yet. My pendulum of change could be the ceiling fan in my room. Yes, I have discovered that I suck at quite a few things, but that doesn’t change the fact that I still consider endless possibilities. Yeah. That’s too many possibilities for my corpus callosum to deal with.

So, confession: After teaching preschool/childcare for 5 years, I quit it altogether. I couldn’t do it anymore. I never thought I would be one of those teachers that couldn’t hack it. I was stronger than that, even in my struggles. Welp, when I realized that I definitely couldn’t hack it and the best option was for me to get the heck outta Dodge, that’s when I had to be really strong. I had no idea what to do next. All I knew was that I had bills to pay and I needed a job to meet those commitments. And eating. I needed to eat, too.

Now the problem at hand: I want to be ALL THE THINGS. People with ‘the sense God give a flea’ know that that no one can be ALL THE THINGS because that’s exhausting and if you were all the things then you would be no thing at all. NOTHING. Why would you want to do that? To be that?
So that’s why I settle for boxes, labels and (lol) college majors. What are you going to be when you grow up? What are you going to do with your life? Trying to choose your life’s vocation while still figuring out who you are and what you want to do is frustrating, terrifying and not very cost-effective. So, on my downtime, I decided mentally itemize ALL THE THINGS I wanted to be and found that for everything I wanted to do, there was always something negative I countered it with. I realized I had become Morph from Treasure Planet (thanks, Jules!) without shape or concrete form.

Like a blank space (YOUR AD COULD BE HERE). I would look in the mirror and  forget what I looked like. I’m constantly reflecting others’ personalities and quirks. I felt myself identifying with fictitious shape and appearance shifter characters like Mystique from X-Men and Nymphadora Tonks from Harry Potter. 

Besides the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the belief that I have a God who is my Heavenly Father and I am essentially his spirit daughter- I DON’T KNOW IF I AM OKAY WITH WHO I AM. At my core, I see myself as being rather boring because I need to have and spend so much time alone. I like being by myself. I’m not sad. Occasionally, I get lonely if I don’t interact with some people during the day, but I am content to be by myself. That being said, I am constantly deciding whether I want to choose to conform to what society purports to value and want- someone who is extroverted, charming, engaging, cultured, mysterious and beautiful because then I will be wanted. BUT-- these are straight up lies. Beautiful, lovely, binding, leeching, grasping, desperate lies. I need to find value in the things I possess. My crazy honesty, kindness, care for other people, my over-the-top enthusiasm, my silly quirks like solo dance parties or constantly forgetting song lyrics, and just enough snark to keep things interesting. These are the things I should prize. I need to remember that.

So, while looking for work and getting interviews, I’m doing what I love. Dancing, drawing, cross-stitching, reading. Things that an accomplished lady circa Austenian time would be at home doing. Too bad I was born waaaaaay too late for that kind of thing. Besides, I like pants too much to give them up.

"nothing's wrong with me"

Hello blog-o-sphere, I am back. I have many thoughts that need to be expressed. Hopefully the success rate will be higher here than my verbal expression. In my Mind Colosseum, it's the Christians (my journal) vs. the Lions (my blog). The Lions won this time, so it's going on the blog.

Tonight's topic in question- Love and Relationships: Remembering that there's nothing wrong with you.

All my life I have read about love, sung about love and thought about love. Now, I write about love. Love is an indescribable thing. I tend to look at Love like the multiple-sided die that comes in the Scattergories box. There are SO many sides to it.

Anecdote: I had a conversation with a gal pal of mine Ms. J, where she revealed that she had been spending some time over the past two weeks with a guy, let's call him Mr. N. I had been interested in him up until then and J said she didn't want me to hear it from someone else. I needed to know that she was trying to figure things out about Mr. N because she really didn't know what kind of guy he was. She only knew about Mr. N from what other people had told her. J said: "I'm not like, super in to him, but I want to see if he is someone I want to have a relationship with." That is fair enough.

My heart hurt a little. I thought, Welp, there goes another* wasted, unrequited crush. Honestly, I keep myself distant enough from guys like Mr. N, the chronic-flirters-that-never-really-act-on-it, so that the separation is easier. I gave J lots of hugs and let her know that I valued her more than stinky ol' Mr. N. J, wise beyond her years, said, "Seriously, don't stop pursuing him if you want to pursue him still. Mr. N might wake up one day and be like Oh, I want Catie instead of  J." That was kind of her to say that, but I honestly doubt that will come to fruition.That's just not how life works, friends.

Anecdote 2: *A week and a half ago, I gave up one of my unrequited crushes on my friend Mr. P, because I realized that he and my friend Tee were getting closer and she Facebook messaged me asking how I really felt about Mr. P and Mr. N (yeah, Tee knew about Mr. N, too) and what my crush situation was. I told her I was still attracted to Mr. P but since he was paying more attention and showing interest in her, she date him if she wanted to because he was a good guy.

ANYWAY- I just told Tee that I was trying to figure out a whole lot of crap in my life and that I didn't really know what I wanted. This was partially false. I did know what I wanted. But what I wanted and what I could have were two totally different things. Tee said I was Christ-like and a good person and blah blah blah. Yeah, I gave up a crush. I was not territorial and focused on the happiness of two people I care about: Mr. P and my Tee-girl. I call that being a mature, compassionate and understanding human being (that also happens to fit under the Christ-like category). Plus, it makes zero sense to hang on to feelings for someone when you know they will never reciprocate.

Back to Ms. J.

I could tell J was trying to read my face. I plastered on my happy face, but knew she could see the pain in my eyes (chalk one up to my dang transparency). I thanked her for letting me know about her and Mr. N and how much that meant to me. I was going to go to the temple tomorrow and asked if she'd like to come with me. She said yes, and we planned a time and put it in our calendars. I gave her lots of hugs and let her know how much I valued her as a friend and human. J needed to know that I still loved her even though she caused me a little hurt. That was most important.

Now to the point of the topic, J and I were talking about how I didn't have a lot of experience with guys asking me out. In the past, a common thought for me would've been, "What's wrong with me?" but in that moment where I might've inserted that question into the conversation, I said, "I don't get it. There's nothing wrong with me." Wow. Surprised myself with that one. After years and years of self-doubt and because J knows and loves me, I said "There's nothing wrong with me." and believed it.

"There's nothing wrong with me." Any human being can within a matter of seconds, find or list at least 1-5 things "wrong with them". This is not statistical scripture, just speculation from articles I've read in prestigious literature such as the Better Homes and Gardens, Parenting, Web MD and Neurology Weekly magazines found in my specialist's waiting room :). When something bad happens we immediately assume something is wrong. That there is a problem. With young single adult members of the church, if we are not dating and forming relationships and continuing the Circle of Life (cue African singers) there is something seriously wrong with us.

As I mentally listed the things I thought were wrong with me in the past, I had a different perspective. The realization that they were not all negative, they weren't wrong. That person just wasn't right for me. I realized what a handful I could be, but J summed it up nicely. "You could give so much more to Mr. N in a relationship than I ever could give him." I concluded with, "Maybe that's why guys hesitate to date me; they know how much I'm capable of giving and terrifies them."

So there's nothing wrong with me. I'm gonna end here because my brain shut down. Goodnight.

unemployment blues

::harmonica plays traditional blues chords::

I am rethinking my whole life these days, buhht this is what happens when you stay up until 2 a.m. It has been a really rough go trying to find a new job, since the end of May. A job as a preschool teacher. One that pays well. In Utah. ::maniacally cackles:: Yeah, that's nigh unto impossible. I've got the unemployment blues.

I've applied for at least 10 preschool-childcare-daycare jobs in Salt Lake and Utah Counties in the past 2 months. Got about 5 interviews. Not a whole lot of callbacks, though. Utah has a monopoly on educators and they are easy to come by, therefore, it is highly competitive and difficult as heck to land a decent paying (over $11/hr), full time job, especially in the Preschool/Child Care arena. So much for doing what I love and strongly believe in, huh?

Here are some answers to questions you're thinking about or that you possibly might ask me:

"What kind of work are you looking for?"

I am a non-certified preschool teacher with 5 years teaching experience. You do the math. I like working with kids, preschool is something I love and do VERY well at. Naturally, I'd like to do it some more.

"Well, could you get certified?"

Since I already have my bachelor's degree, the process is actually MORE difficult than if I was in school. Because I took "the back way" for preschool teaching, there are significantly more hoops to jump through and it ultimately costs much more than I can afford at this point. They don't even offer discounts or aided funding. I need to get money before I can pay money. Pretty much up the creek. No paddles to be found.

"The education field doesn't seem to be working out for you. Are there any other kinds of jobs you're interested in?"

Yes, I am looking outside the education field, but haven't applied anywhere yet. (Let's say KSL jobs and I are getting intimately acquainted.) I know I am a talented individual. I don't mind being trained. I know how to do all kinds of things- just not amazingly well. Standard at best. How does the saying go? Jack of all trades, master of none? Yup. That's me.

Tangent: I'd never heard of the "master of none" part until about 5 years ago. There was this dude: a "young, successful, start-up business guy" who, after I proudly told him that I was a jack of all trades, presented me with this whole "master of none" bit. It really took the wind out of my sails. I was tempted to punch him in the face. Thank you very much, Mister Debbie Downer. What's the comeback I never actually said aloud? You... you successful college dropout, you! You stink of YUPPIE!
Yeah. Heh. I'm hilarious. Where were we?

Ah!

These are some of the jobs I've been looking at. Including (but not limited to): Data entry, Retail, Stocking clerk, Administrative Assistant, Commercial Baker, Sewing (there was one for a mascot costumes maker- that's new.), Vinyl Sign Maker, Collections ::shudder:: those guys are almost calling me, Food Service and Customer Service. *cough*Call Center*cough*. There's a small part of my soul that is either dying or dead at the thought of working at such a job. Yes, I'm also this picky with the men I choose to date and associate with.

"What about that Etsy shop of yours?"

Uh. It's pretty danged slow. Custom made stuff is great but the flow isn't super steady. I've hit a slight snag in needing to replace some of my supplies before I can continue on a project, and my one customer still needs to get back to me for some details. Heheh. yeahhhh.

Everybody wants experience. I've have experience! I've been working in the rat race for 8 years! I have a college degree! I'm not a high school student! These factors alone should qualify me for most jobs, right?? I'm not totally naive, I do know that such expectations are ridiculously unrealistic. I do know how to deal with the general public. I'm not Miss Ironheart. I'm unfortunately more the Miss Heart-on-the-Sleeve type. This does not translate well in the business world.

Dealing with the general public as a teacher, I've interacted with and assured satisfaction of a child's progress with over 160 sets of parents and/or legal guardians in the past 5 years. That's not a small number. I believe that you should treat people the way you wish to be treated and usually that is a good measurement for basic level serving the public. I spent a summer working at a Dairy Queen, before I started my freshman year of college. I know how to deal with the public, it just drains the introvert inside of me.

I worked in an office for 2 1/2 years in an IT department as a lowly database entry/personal assistant for my dad. Fairly cushy job until the economy tanked. Not cool. Luckily, I never had to call people. I can do that, but it will not be my favorite.

So now what? Yeah, I'm still asking myself that question. Work. It does a body good. If you can get it. Maybe I'll just send them this blog post and my resume...

the journey of self (retro post)

Love it when I find several unpublished posts laying around. The result of my inability to finish my thoughts in a satisfactory manner. This post is just now being posted as of August 10th, 2014 from the future! ooooh!

Ohhhh. We've reached the middle of August. Where did time go? You'll be happy to know that under all that frustration and cryptic Facebook statuses, all was not lost. I spent most of my time on Self-Improvement. You know what? I didn't really plan it that way. It just happened. I'm very much into the existentialistic questions. When I go searching, it's usually for purpose and identity. Here are some things that I've learned since June and my unemployed state (okay so maybe only July).

- I've learned that I have an INFJ personality. I've played around with so many different types and honestly the Myers-Briggs test is subjective based on what mood you're in and how you want to answer the questions. I jumped from ISFJ to ESFJ to ENFJ to INFJ, with a lot of the basic elements being the same. I'm a feeler primarily. I took the Keirsey personality test a week and a half ago and got INFJ and when I went to get the answer it said that my email user name was already used. So I looked back to the first time I took the Keirsey test back in 2007. Would you believe it? It said INFJ. So I'm going to go with an average here and say yes, I'm definitely an INFJ. I can identify with pretty much everything in terms of traits and characteristics. These are things in my core that I've either hated (read: did not accept) or hit the override button because I felt I needed to be something else (not myself).

Then I hit that point in my life where I got exhausted because I refused to live life as ME. I got tired to trying to be someone other than myself. I actually started listening to messages my body has been giving me about my preferences and who I choose to be. The stress and strain has plummeted. I stopped  trying to be too outgoing because that exhausted me. I realized just how much downtime I need to recharge and it's staggering. I no longer feel bad about being in my room all the time when I'm at home. It's my sanctuary.

I've realized that I'm probably an HSP (highly sensitive person). This means that my brain gets overstimulated a lot. I might not have realized it because I don't know anything different. My brain is constantly going. I'm very sensitive to bright lights and very loud sounds that I can't control. White noises can be bothersome. I need absolute silence to think and process things, otherwise I'm distracted. Like right now, I have a slightly noisy ceiling fan on and honestly I can't hear my thoughts very clearly.

In this busy world, moments of silence are absolutely delicious to me. One where I can be in tune with my thoughts, the sound of my heart beating, the sound of my breathing. I feel truly calm. There are very few places where I can have silence. I take them when I can. This is not to say that I cannot handle noise and that it totally makes me freak out. I just relish moments in the quiet. They are great for refocusing, balancing and re-centering my life.

meridith writes: on the nontrial of singleness

Today's insights are brought to you today by my friend Meridith, over at Meridith Writes. I am always impressed by her insight into the challenges of life and the development and improvement of self. Click on over to her page and give it a read. :)
meridith writes: on the nontrial of singleness: I'm 28 and single. This gives me about ten years of experience in singles wards, so I know that long and many are the woes rehearsed by...

How to stop apathy in the face of rejection

Disclaimer: I've been half asleep writing this. It's been in the 90's this week and my house's air conditioning broke and that makes it really tough to get to sleep until it's cooler outside. Usually the early hours of the morning. So if the following is not super cohesive, that is why. ::end disclaimer::
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So, I have this ability to know how to love people and love them quickly and deeply. How is this possible? It's just a gift. I rely on my keen sense of intuitiveness (not sure if that's even a word) to assess a person's core, what kind of person they are. I also apply my long-held belief that all people are fundamentally good until proven otherwise. I can idolize people at times because I can see how great they are and their potential to be something even greater. This gets me in trouble, especially if I become disenchanted with them or they've rejected me in some way. I dislike not being able to love someone. In order to counteract my frustrating feelings, I start down the road to Apathy. Hello apathy, I don't like how I use you to deaden my feelings. So the 64 million dollar question is, how to stop the apathy, in the face of rejection. You act like you don't care but really you do care and quite deeply, too. The best way is to take a step back and analyze your feelings. Why did you love this person in the first place? What are you actually feeling? Often, unidentified or undetermined feelings will mask themselves as Apathy. I'm feeling sad because this person rejected me. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to find someone (male) I can connect with and have it mutual and meaningful, etc.
You can't just cut people out of your life. I mean, you can, but it just ain't pretty. God puts people in our life for reasons TBD but we must seek for understanding when the apathy kicks in. Ask yourself, what did I learn from this person by investing time in them and getting closer to them? Could I maintain a less emotionally connected relationship with them? (And by saying "relationship", I use the term very loosely) I'm not saying look at people as a means to an end, but rather as helpers in your journey of self-discovery. Maintain a proper perspective of your who, what, where, when and whys. This gives you a better understanding of them and you. It's very important to reach this point.