marina

This post has been brewing for a while, and I guess I'm finally going to just write it down, even though it doesn't feel "complete" or fully processed or anything of the sort. But it probably never will be. So, this is as coherent as it's going to get.

( long text under the cut )

I've officially completed all my birthday activities for this year, so I can like, breathe again.

There was recreational axe throwing, joint TV marathons, dinners, gifts and hugs. I chose not to have any kind of party or gathering this year, so just saw friends individually or in small groups, and it worked out OK. I also celebrated

roga's birthday (and will continue to tomorrow), so it all kind of worked out with multiple events.

How have you been doing, friends?

I'm feeling a bit better than I hoped to, at this time of the year.

ETA: I have cautiously started looking at social media again, in very very limited quantities, and as twitter seems like... not the place, I now have a bluesky. IDK IDK. But if you're on there I may also be on there sometimes too I guess.

This was supposed to be a Heated Rivalry Part 2 post but I had the good sense to realize I won't have the time to finish writing it in the 20 minutes I have until I have to go to bed, so, it shall remain on my mental to-do list. Have this random things post instead.

( work stuff )

*

A have a friend who's a big Critical Roll fan, so thanks to her I watched the Vox Machina show with very detailed commentary and handholding through the parts I found boring and disappointing (all the straight romance).

That friend is currently busy taking care of a newborn, but she did strongly recommend I watch The Mighty Nein, the next campaign from the same bunch to be turned into an animated show, and I have to say her predictions were spot on because I absolutely loved ( spoilers )

*

Man I have a birthday this week and it's been... rough. I have a lot of baggage around my birthday, probably will for the rest of my life, but in past years I managed to really develop good coping mechanisms and techniques. And this year, for various reasons, it's just all crumbled to nothing.

This whole week is gonna be at my peak terrible mental health. Cried to

roga on the phone about logistics, like a totally normal person. Unable to answer any questions from relatives about what I want to do this weekend. Stressing out everyone and getting stressed out myself in return. Just really good times. If you happen to be one of the people who has no baggage around celebrating your birthday (I know these people exist! I have met them!) please send those vibes my way.

I usually try to get my end-of-year post in before Jan 1st, but this year I made my peace with the fact that it'll come after.

Mostly because I already know this new year will be hard. Personally and otherwise, it will be a difficult time, I have no illusions about that.

But, a year ago things were so much worse. Personally and otherwise.

I was unemployed, extremely broke, sick for a prolonged period of time, there was one more war directly affecting me than there is today, and mostly all of those things seemed endless. There was no expiration date, no way to budget mental or physical or financial resources. It was all just survival mode.

But this year... this year on Dec 31st I had a job. A job I actually took time off from to celebrate novyi god. A salary! Coworkers I like, a really good boss.

This year a close friend just had a baby. Another close friend is due in the summer. A niece will be born within the next month or so. My family tree is weird but this one will be as close as I get to being a "real" aunt.

The world is full of horrors, but there's one less war. One less fucking war.

Last year I felt mostly helpless, and voiceless, and like there was no place for me in the communities I grew up in. I haven't talked about that yet, not anywhere, I think I'm still processing it. But this year I feel less helpless and more angry and disillusioned. Which may not sounds like it's any better? lol but it means I have more of a sense of control over my life, which is a good thing.

And of course, everything old is new again, with the hottest fandom right now being a Sid/Ovi secretly-fucking-all-along fic.

Everything still feels so fragile, so brittle. Like I said, this year will be difficult, I already know that. But it's still so much better, already, than the situation I was in last year.

I painted my nails a festive color, with holiday themed stickers. I got my loved ones presents on time. I am... mostly mentally coping with my upcoming birthday.

May you be the light and receive the light, friends. Thank you for being here for another moment, another year, another tiny lifetime.

S novym godom.

So, I've been stuck at home for 3 weeks now with a broken ankle. I've watched so much TV. SO. MUCH. TV. Some of it utterly delightful ("The Summer I Turned Pretty", "Queen of the South"), some of it utterly forgettable. Then "Heated Rivalry" came out, and due to the tragic circumstances of being stuck at home, I've watched the first 2 episodes. Let us acknowledge this up front: I should have only watched this show after it finished airing. Like, week-to-week is a very bad format for me with this show.

However, episodes have been consumed, this show is already doing numbers in fannish circles for obvious reasons, my guess is that that trend will continue, and so I need to get stuff off my chest I guess. Think of this not as a public statement but more as a private space where I process stuff, just for the sake of framing the below.

( thoughts in no particular order )

An exciting update since my last post: I broke my ankle! *facepalm*

( anatomy of a work accident )

I keep meaning to write about nice things, hopeful things, but instead things at work improved and then deteriorated in this very bizarre, time limited way. I find myself thinking my biggest obstacle at work is actually my own psyche, my own issues and complexes and anxiety, and trying to work through that. So, some meandering navel gazing.

( work clusterfuck mostly )

Dear writer,

( Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019), The Gilded Age (TV 2022), House of Guinness (TV) )

A life update in no particular order:

( depressing things )

- My one shred of Nice Things. Before leaving my wonderful supportive boss got me a little vacation time over the holidays. So, this is by no means advisable (but neither is living through *gestures at the news*), but I'm going to be in London in the middle of September.

So, let me know if you:

- would like to meet in London
- would like to meet in some other part of England?? I don't think I'll make it up to Scotland but I could maybe do a daytrip somewhere outside of London
- Would like to meet in Paris? (I haven't been back there since I was 12 and am vaguely considering for that to be my daytrip)

A wild post appears!

( a purely personal update )

( a post of no significance )

Welp, I've started a new job! It has happened!

( boring financial things )

*

I've only had 1 day of work at the new place, due to holidays and the fact that I was sick for the past 10 days (boo!!!) and asked to postpone my start date by a few days.

But it definitely feels like a level of fancy tech that I've never personally experienced before, with an actual HR department that made sure I'd have all my equipment ready for me on the first day, and a little welcome sign, and some company merch.

There are things I definitely haven't figured out yet, like how to best get to the office to deal with my disability/health issues, especially considering the fact that the laptop I got is much heavier than anticipated (my previous company replaced some of the laptops shortly after I joined and I managed to get in on the deal and get a really great, light computer).

The office itself is really nice, even though the building is sadly in the middle of a construction zone. My previous work was in an extremely central downtown area where you were close to a bunch of greenery and shops and restaurants. This place is tragically kind of isolated in a sea of dust and hazard signs.

I haven't figured out the dynamics of my team/department/org so much yet, but everyone I've met has been nice, and my boss seems to be a pretty great guy, according to reports. He's also been nothing but kind and respectful towards me.

So, overall first day was pretty overwhelming but nice. Tomorrow will be my first day of work-from-home, and I plan to spend most of it reading a ton of documents. And then Tuesday we're having some kind of all-day workshop for the entire team that means I'll need to get super early to the office, even though the workshop will be virtual. But you know, if it wasn't literally my first week I might find a more sensible way to do it, but since I'm extremely new and this seems to be the expectation, I'll be there with bells on lol.

In job news, welp, I have a signed contract! I shall soon be unemployed no more!

( job drama of the good kind, but still drama )

*

Anyway, on to less stressful subjects, I've been trying to fill my days with nice things, before I start at the new place.

Last weekend

roga and I got up at 3:30am and drove up north during the night, to see the sunrise from a monastery on a mountain. Then we went to a museum, met a local friend, saw a Roman relic.

This weekend we went to a different museum, then to a small local market, then to a very nice seafood restaurant, then we just sat around on the grass overlooking the sea, before heading to my place and watching hours of a TV show.

I am so grateful for this time and these experiences. I feel like beginning work again after over a year of having a different schedule is going to really mess me up at least for a few months, so it's nice that the weather right now is really good and I have friends to take advantage of that with.

Well, it's been 2 weeks since my last post, so here's an update.

( mentions of health issues )

*

In job news, something pretty huge and happy-making has happened???

One of the 4 companies I interviewed with has gotten back to me (after like 7 stages) to say they want me to work for them and they'll send me a contract offer in the next few days (which is standard). Fingers crossed, nothing certain until papers are signed etc, but. BUT.

It's been over a year, and finally I have a job offer.

At least one company wants to pay me a decent salary with all the nice perks and everything.

Now, if I had no other offers and was not in the running for any other position, I would take this one IN A HEARTBEAT. I would take it and be SO GRATEFUL.

But since I am still somehow in the process with 3 other companies, I'm in the weird position of mentally wondering which one I'd choose if they were to make me an offer.

Company #2 - I've finished all the interviews, and they're supposed to get back to me tomorrow on whether they want to check my references, which usually takes 1-2 days and is more of a formality. There's good reason to assume that if they say yes to me tomorrow they'll make me an offer next week.

Company #3 - I'm doing my final interview with them on Thursday, a big presentation, and after that they'll let me know if they're interested, no reference checks. If they want me they'll just make an offer.

Company #4 - the actual company of my heart, that all other considerations aside I would probably choose to work for because I love their product so much - I'm doing my final interview with them on Monday (next week). Of course they have the WORST HR process, so I actually have no idea what their next step is and whether there's something else they'll want to do before deciding yay/nay after Monday.

Now I'm mostly stressed because Company #1, that's already told me they want me, will probably try to pressure me to finalize a contract with them before Company #4 has a chance to decide whether they want me, sigh.

All of these potential roles are so good. None of them are "I can live with that" compromises. All of them are amazing, it's more a question of specific types of amazing, and of course I ideally want the combination that works best for me.

It is utterly surreal to be in this position after a year and 2 months of being unemployed. UTTERLY SURREAL.

But you know, maybe all the other companies will reject me and only Company #1 will remain, which will still be perfectly fine and even great.

Or maybe I somehow manage to fuck up this whole thing and will be left with nothing ////o\\\\ IDK it's just too good to be true at the moment.

Phew. Deep breath. The next 2 weeks will be continued stress, especially since I have a big presentation on Thursday and on Monday, but then... then. I don't know. Maybe, just maybe. *fingers crossed*

Things I keep wanting to do: write a post.

The past few weeks have been utter chaos, of the good and bad variety, and the pessimist in me is somehow certain that once all the drama is past all that'll be left is the bad stuff.

( warning for health related triggers )

The last week or so has been A Lot.

( warning for sad things )

*

My remedy for this, has thankfully come in the form of a 15 year old TV show that has enough episodes for me to binge when I first wake up and after I'm done working for the day. My little shot of escapism to convince myself to start being functional and to forget reality after I've been immersed in it too long.

Yes, friends, I have started watching Justified.

( content about this fact )

Well, the good news is that the curse seems to have been lifted and I'm suddenly actually getting some traction on the job searching front.

The bad news is that of course when it rains it pours and suddenly I'm utterly snowed in under interviews and assignments and some actual gig stuff that'll let me earn money in the meantime.

( work related stuff )

Juggling it all is A Lot, and I'm currently looking at my schedule unsure of when I'll have time to cook meals, or sleep, but... paradoxically this has somehow convinced me the necessary thing to do is to post festivid recs, so I can close some tabs.

So, RECS. In no particular order.

( 7 vids under the cut )

Me: spends every waking moment either job searching or doing job search adjacent activities (meetups, podcast, etc)
Also me: wow it feels like my mental health is not great lately, I wonder why

Anyway, the job market sucks, looking for a job sucks, reaching out to strangers sucks (I have reached out to so many strangers I'm practically an extrovert now lol), having no money to pay your mortgage sucks, just, everything kind of sucks on the personal front right now in general.

As evidenced by the fact that I feel like I have nothing interesting or entertaining to say, because my brain is just job searching stuff and then the taking-a-mental-break stuff I read or watch when my brain is too stressed to function.

I guess one random thought I had today was how weirdly many stories we have now on TV, concurrently, where humanity lives in bunkers underground after some kind of apocalypse (Silo, Fallout, ( a new show where this is a spoiler for the first episode )). The bunkers range from very clean and well maintained utopias, to extremely dirty dystopias full of desperate people. In all cases, the apocalypse outside is actually real - unlike in older stories where the bunker turns out to be some kind of experiment and the outside world is mostly fine.

Anyway, I'm mostly fascinated with how these bunkers are arranged and what sort of assumptions go into portraying these bunker societies. For example, what happens to our modern day society (which in all of these shows is roughly when the bunkers originate) in terms of gender, race, class oppression, once we go into a small, closed social system?

I could ramble about this forever.

Anyway, I am alive friends. The sun is shining, even though it's cold. I am fortunate to have friends who care for me and feed me dinner sometimes. Aside from the things exploding all around us I hope you're doing well.

It's a birthday day.

This year I am more broke than I've ever been in my adult life, so I decided to use up every free favor that comes my way, and got up a little early to go to a nearby Swedish bakery because they do a free coffee + baked good on your birthday. I don't usually drink coffee, but I decided to make an exception this time lol

I drank and snacked and walked around Tel Aviv, looking at the community library and the small garden and the construction area (there was a tiny dog resting there in a reflective vest, I'm pretty sure it got issued an official uniform lol). I took a guided grafitti tour of that area years ago, so I now recognize some of the local artists.

One of them is a woman in her 50s who signs her full name on her works (due to a legal loophole that doesn't mean she can be convicted of putting illegal graffiti on public property). She draws various plants on walls, and adds words or poetry to them.

The one near the bakery today was of beautiful green stalks with red berries on them, and the words "And when our tears are done drowning the earth, will a hatch open? Will the dove come?" and next to it, above a more simple green ornamental line, the words: "Inside all this death I must live" (בתוך כל המוות הזה אני מוכרחה לחיות).

I took a picture of that second one and was like - I wish this could be my avatar now on every social media or messenger or any place where I'm represented as an individual. Nothing more needs to be said, nothing better represents me or my state of being at all times. Right now it's a perfect encapsulation of my internal self.

Anyway, birthday things.

I have so much to be grateful for. In the morning, free breakfast. For lunch, my parents took me to a restaurant. Then I went home, watched some Netflix while painting my nails a festive red and white, with snowflake stickers (it's 16C here, which is winter temperature), and soon

roga will come over and we'll spend the evening hanging out.

A very nice birthday, to be followed up by seeing more friends over the weekend.

I got some very nice gifts, as well. I asked my parents for an ebook subscription, since it's something I desperately need for my sanity while job searching but can't really justify the expense. So I now have ebooks for the foreseeable months. Friends have already given me a gift card for buying loose leaf tea, which is amazing because I ran out of the tea I like a month ago and have since been drinking regular teabags from the store because again, fancy tea is not a necessity. But for my birthday, it's very nice to get.

I also got some DW paid time that I'm very grateful for. Thank you for the gift <3

Please know there are about a trillion worthy causes in the world, and I encourage you to donate your time and money to any of them before you consider spending any effort on me, but since some of you have asked, I'm putting a list of free things and one non-free thing that would make me happy below the cut.

( things )

*

Nothing has really felt festive for a long time now, but, I'm trying. Thank you all for being here, as usual. You make my life infinitely better with your presence. <3

Usually I use the last remnants of the year to pause and take stock. To reflect on the year behind and the year ahead. To make plans, even if tentative ones.

This year I legit just don't feel up to it.

I've been sick for the past month more or less, and every time I manage to get the bare minimum of existence done I backslide and become less functional again.

The past year has been 2 wars and too many protests to count and not enough happy-making things. Not nearly, nearly enough.

It's been feeling like I'm losing my creative voice, many of my friendships, my very place in the community I grew up in online. It's been... too many difficult, depressing things going on for too fucking long.

It's been keeping my head down and telling myself I just need to get through this, with that stretching out into infinity.

I'm broke and I'm unemployed and I'm not healthy and the worst part is that this I feel like it's all keeping me even from the small world I've made for myself, clawed out of the grip of depression and anxiety so I can at least fill my lungs enough to function.

Tomorrow there will be light. There will be a tree, and snakes (year of the snake = so many adorable snakes being sold in stores near me), and maybe a cake, and people I love, my little family to hug at midnight.

They say you'll spend the year however you meet it - and there's nothing more I'd love to do tomorrow than clean up my place, put all the bits and bobs away and make sure everything is clean and orderly. But unfortunately since December has gone the way it has, I'll spend tomorrow madly trying to get gifts for people, because it's literal last possible time, and I was too sick before. (I'm still too sick, but I'm out of options.)

This will be my ~farewell post for the year, I think. I love you, take care of yourself, may you be the light and receive the light. S novym godom.

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Marina

Marina Berlin

January 2026

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