Adulting

 Life asks kids to adult all the time, often without realizing it, simply because we (it) forgets that there are some things you simply cannot prepare for, no matter how much scaffolding other humans construct to help you carry a load at any given age ... or it (life) would forget, if it was capable of remembering.

On the other hand, adults (particularly parents) ask kids to adult when they are in the midst of a blind-siding experience that life hasn't prepared them for ... and so they forget, that observant kids are experiencing their own confusion AND the confusion of their parents on top of it.

This is one such tale (with other themes woven in),
and
honestly,
who can resist a musical score written by Clint Eastwood (who knew !?)

Enjoy!

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Inside the bubble

There is a person I go to dinner (or lunch) with from time to time. For several years I've been temped to ask: Do we have the kind of friendship, if I called or texted you occasionally to see if you were available for a meal, would that be okay?
Or is it better if I leave (control of) that (situation) up to you? 

Most people won't automatically see the inherent question I'm actually asking, because I don't know how to ask it without appearing to have a mental illness ... like paranoia ...??? or crippling self-doubt.

I go through these bouts of personality-dysmorphic-disorder from time to time, so it isn't a constant state of being, but the question still remains:

Is my presence in your life a net-positive,
neutral,
or semi-burdensome?

(My sisters will understand, I think)

When we are very young, we don't have the self-awareness to know that our behavior (or presence) annoys people. As we age, some of us come to that social awareness sooner than others, and some perceive, process and dismiss it more easily than others. Usually, we begin to adjust our behavior to be more socially appropriate ... or we stop engaging (sometimes completely).

I believe I perseverate on this issue because, over time it has been brought to my attention that, I don't read social situations accurately. Truthfully though, I'm uncertain in which direction away from accurate I'm actually reading things.

It sounds funny - when I'm ... sane? stable? not overwhelmingly tired ???

We've all been in situations when someone has made a negative or derogatory comment about another person (not currently within hearing distance). And so, I naturally wonder - what do people not say about me. Or more precisely, what do people think and never say ... because it isn't necessarily socially appropriate.

It is a characteristic of adults with Asperger's syndrome (so I've been told): the struggle to read the room, or as others say, 'empathize' with others feelings and emotions. I think the latter is actually completely inaccurate. Empathy isn't the problem. The problem is knowing how another person is feeling, based upon what you are able to observe from their outward appearance (which can be woefully misleading at times).

People can be very critical.

It is difficult to know how deep your offense goes; and whether some people simply have verbal diarrhea (and express their displeasure on a grande scale), or if your 'offense' truly makes you

Unacceptable The Terminal GIFfrom Unacceptable GIFs

So, it is sometimes difficult for me to gauge
(even among people I'm mostly comfortable with)
if they perceive me as weird enough to make them uncomfortable
if they are forced (or choose) to be in my presence for more than a limited space of time. I know this introspection can be a symptom of acutely selfish or self-obsessive thought patterns and behavior.

But maybe it is also a natural consequence of living in a bubble where the "PC" social expectation is to come across as having extreme (& feigned) altruism - or at least outwardly be perceived that way - regardless of how you truly feel. In truth, it becomes a complete distortion of human emotion, but maybe that is where we are (or have been), as a society.

And now we are experiencing the unintentional consequences of being "too nice".

I can't tell you how many times I've been emotionally tempted to ask my friend if we really have a reciprocal relationship; but I know we don't,
because if we did - I would be making the effort to get together
more than the less than 10% of the time that currently exists,
and
I would never privately worry (even in my moments of doubt),
that I am a charity case

..which honestly I never worry about,
when I am with that other person.

So...that is mental illness
inside the bubble
and I'm so lucky
that person is 

my friend.

What did you expect to happen?

When humans are raised or born into a society or sub-culture that places a premium on
personal choice,
accountability for those choices,
and
taking responsibility for your commitments,
I continue to be somewhat surprised when people express dismay (or reserved disapproval) when natural consequences of those choices occur
... as if they were anticipating  the human could have
or should have
called down a larger miracle
(for lack of better terminology) for him/herself;

In some sense judging, "what you did with God's help wasn't good enough".
The miracle that was,
wasn't good enough
(at least in the observer's frame of reference).

What it feels like, on the receiving end (of that judgment or observation) though, reads more along the lines of,
"If you had asked for God's help
(prayed more, been more committed, more obedient, etc.)
(implying that you didn't, or hadn't),
He would have . . . insert the observer's expectation here " .

[If you haven't experienced this, or come across someone who has, you may want to stop reading now .. . but who am I to judge how you digest what you read.]

I am constantly surprised how miraculously well humans do with the myriad of complex and often inhumane circumstances (aka insufficient to support human life) they are called to live. Maybe that provides insight to my realist (idealist ... or pessimist ?) attitude about humanity in general. There are so many variables that impact human growth and observable progress
(genetics,
opportunity,
human modeling of both peers and mentors,
socioeconomic status,
education,
death of one's provider or primary caregiver,
incurred disability,
developmental disability and other special needs,
classism/racism/and prejudice,
divorce of one's parents,
child victimization and cruelty,
cyclical family abuse,
etc.)

Societies (and particularly sub-cultures) are anxious to provide humans with an exhaustive list of requirements and expectations on what humanity should look like, but rarely provide the most optimum (optimal ?) environments to grow those amazing humans.
Occasionally (often?) that verbalization becomes misunderstood, however; as exemplified by this quote,

. . . selfishness is the element that breaks and corrodes and destroys [marriages / relationships], as it destroys lives and all that is good.

The tricky thing about hearing that though, when you are in your formative years, is (a) knowing what constitutes selfishness, (b) understanding the balance (/difference ?) between self-preservation or self-interest and selfishness, and (c) recognizing your perception of your own reality is often blurred by others input (positive, negative, manipulative, self-interested, judgmental, well-intention-ed, etc.) ...AND movement from selfishness to selflessness exists on a developmental continuum.

There are some things that assist in that development and others that hinder it.

Lots of of those inhumane circumstances mentioned above [aka insufficient to support human life] tend to retard its growth (meaning, slow it down); and some make selflessness virtually impossible, because so many essential developmental supports are absent or inconsistent.

I recognize including this video may be a departure from expectation (as it perhaps has little to do with my point), but I love so much of what David says about his experience.

 "I don't know what I was expecting . . . " [22:45]

"I was just being hard on myself, and I was stressed out." [22:57]

"Something I just didn't understand about myself . . . " [22:25] 

"He just let me know he loved me." [23:25]

 (Mayim:) Did he tell you, "God loves you."?

(David:) "yeah. Yeah, he did. And that was all he said." [23:30]

"It was my own perception of what I believed that was punishing me." [24:00}

(Mayim:) "What do you think God wants for you?
"Do you think of what 'God wants for you' ?" [42:15]

"What God wants for him is even better than what he wanted for himself" [premise of My Little Prayer by David Archuletta]

A variation on the muscial theme of my childhood

Although this album appears to have been published before my birth, today is the first day I'm hearing it. 

 

And it sound like a variation on a theme of the album we were raised on (when playing vinyl records for communal enjoyment was still a thing ... in family homes).  

I liked this music for various reasons as a kid,
and whether it is melancholy for that time and the feeling the music evoked then
(aka relaxation ...?)
or if being reminded of other things (and feelings
which I cannot control
... except to suppress them ... or ignore them
- aka my life defined) leads me to seek it out ...
or if having it pop-up in suggested viewing is the real culprit...
one knows not.

Does Entitlement Exist on a Continuum?

Does entitlement exist on a continuum ...
perhaps with one end being where there exists another human you command or order, and the other being where you are the person being ordered?

Is it the belief you are born on the continuum, somewhat dependent upon your parent's / parents' situation, and that somehow fuels this belief that others derive some compensation (monetary or otherwise) from their willingness to be subservient (to you)?

Does the ability to make choices that effect change in your life have a correlation to where you exist on the entitlement continuum ... with choices correlated to the end where you have entitlement to command or order others, and being the person ordered correlates with the absence of choice?

Does entitlement have any relationship to humility ...
with the more truly humble you are, the less entitled you feel, so you are less inclined to command or order others; and the less humble or more prideful you are, the more you adopt the position of being demanding of others?

Is there a balance ...
or is there no real fulcrum in the center,
making it impossible to keep both ends in check
without stepping over a line, toppling the seesaw, and crashing one side to earth,
while elevating the other side to the point where one's legs dangle mid-air, never able to touch the ground?

Is is possible to know when you are entitled?
Or act entitled?

Can you purchase (or earn) a place on the entitlement continuum with achievement in behavior, academics, money, or piety?



Does Heavenly Father look on earth's existing entitlement continuum ...

and feel compelled to clarify (for the humble hearers) ...

self-evident
created equal
endowed
unalienable 
life, liberty
happiness

Children
entitled
birth
bonds of matrimony
reared
father
mother
honor
complete fidelity

?

After this life.
when compensation is made
to the faithful ( or those full of faith / hope )
where will those childlike people be?
And what will that look like