My Grandma

Have you ever seen the movie "The Notebook"? That is my Grandpa and Grandma's story. It could have been written about them, except  it wasn't Ryan Gosling, or Rachel McAdams. It was my Grandpa and Grandma. And, Grandpa kept her home to lovingly care for her. Grandpa couldn't bear the thought of sending her somewhere for someone else to take care of her. Neither could I. But, watching a very real live "The Notebook" will tear your heart out. It isn't for the faint of heart. It was true love. Completely unconditional, romance novel love.

There are sometimes that words just aren't enough. Memories aren't either. However, memories can be God's way of healing your heart when someone you loves passes on. My Grandma passed away, and thankfully, went peacefully.

It was thirteen months ago that her health required Grandpa to cared for her, full time while she was bedridden. Grandpa was/is such a saint. His love for her is a bit like God's love for us, only on a small, human scale. I don't think there was ever anyone love someone like Grandpa loved Grandma. He never once thought of himself, only her, with every breath she took. Her mind wasn't as sharp as it once was, but I respected her so much. Maybe because she loved me regardless of me. She believed the best, and was so proud of me, even with my terrible buck teeth. She thought I was the best at everything. The best pianist, which I was NOT, the best soccer player, the best granddaughter. She made each one of her grand kids feel the same way. Like they were the only ones in the world who mattered to her. She knew all my secrets, every crush I ever had, and she was there the very first time Dustin came to see me on the fourth of July. We sat in the car and gushed about how cute he was, how much he liked me. She told me that she "loved how his eyes were so true, that he was a guy with integrity, she could tell that you could trust him". She loved Dustin so much, as she said he was Grandpa's younger twin. He is alot like my Grandpa. She and I always said we were the lucky ones. Dustin and I got married in June, and we picked that date because they married in June, and I am sappy like that!

I also have never used any dish soap except for Ivory, because that's what she always used, and because I am sappy like that!

We shared the same love for shopping, shoes, perfume, candles, diaries, clothes, and pretty rings. I wore her wedding ring from the time I understood what a ring was. She had always asked what I wanted of hers. I simply wanted her ring. And her watch. My dad had gotten her a watch that had tiny turquoise tiles for the watchband. It is the little things that matter the most. To me anyway. 

She cooked all of my favorite things. She made the most amazing cheese dip. Still a family fave. 

She loved Christmas. It was both of our favorite holiday. It was a production at her house. And her Christmas Jello! I love that stuff. And George Strait. I don't even like George Strait, except that she loved him, and for some reason, I like the songs of his she always played. I still play them. I am sappy like that! 

She made me the knitted slippers with the pom pom on the top. She made herself some to match. 

Mornings at their house smelled like Folgers coffee and orange juice, ham, eggs, and biscuits. 

She had a hand-held mirror, with a rose on it, hand painted by her friend Joann. I loved that mirror. 

She didn't allow shoes worn in the house. By anyone. 

She loved birds, especially cardinals. And her Sandalwood fan. It actually was made from Sandalwood. It Smelled amazing. I get my smelling things from her. She smelled everything. 

She loved it when I sang. She thought I was great. I thought she needed her hearing checked. 

She loved pretty dishes. And antiques. And Cashews. And shoes. Oh how she loved shoes!

Visits to Grandma's house always included a shopping trip to The Hester house. I take the girls shopping there, just for memories sake. 

She never allowed anyone, ever, to sit on the bed once it was made. Except for Ashlynne. She put Ashlynne on her bed, and snapped pictures. Grandpa didn't know what to think. Neither did we. 

She loved all of us so much, and never hesitated to show it. After I got married, I called them almost every day. She was the best person to talk to. When her memory worsened, it made me cherish our conversations even more. As time passed, the conversations changed, and sometimes I would have to remind her who I was. So each time I would remind her it was me, she would exclaim how happy she was that I had called. I would hear that several times in a single conversation, and it always made me smile. She was glad I called. When her health took a turn for the worse last year, we went to visit. We weren't sure how long she would make it, so we said goodbyes. She didn't know who we were at that point. It was so hard, but I curled up on the bed beside her, and poured my heart out. I cried, cried, cried. I was holding her hand, and she looked at me, reached up, touched my face, drying my tears and said " What's the matter honey? Don't cry, it's ok. I love you."  I held her hand to my face, wanting that moment to last forever, tears streaming down my face. She knew, if only for a moment, it was me.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I have so much to be thankful for. Grandma, for one. I am thankful that she didn't die when she had liver cancer, but that we got so many years with her after that. I am thankful that I got to talk and sing to her one final time, three hours before she passed. I am thankful she didn't suffer. I am thankful for the example of Grandpa and Grandma's love to us. They were married for 64 years. That's more  years than I can comprehend. I am so beyond thankful that she was my Grandma. There is a void in our hearts this holiday season, and it won't be the same. But I cherish each memory I have of her, and cherish the time with the family I have. I was loved by her, and I had a bond with her that most girls don't have with their Grandma. I have learned from the best, and I hope I can be a Grandma one tenth as good as her. She was amazing. I love you, Gram. And I miss you more then words will ever say.

"MOMMY, YOU'RE MARRIED????!!"

I often wonder what things mean in little minds, Tiny Tot's in particular. Out of NOWHERE today, Cookie yells in her most excited voice "MOMMY, YOU'RE MARRIED???!!!" My mind was trying to figure out what the context of this question was, and where did it come from. If you know Cookie at all, you know why this seemingly out of nowhere. I answered her in MY most excited voice " Yes!! I am!" And she squeals "Can I see it?!!" I cracked up laughing, my mind still wanting to know where this train of thought was headed, and where did it come from. I said "Aww honey, you can't see me being married, but I will show you pictures of our wedding." So I got out our album, and she began flipping through the pages, Ahhing and Ooohing at 'Mommy's beautyful dress'. She recognized most of the family, except for Uncle RaRa. She laughed when she found out who it was, and insisted that it was most definately NOT her Uncle RaRa. She turns to the pictures of Dustin and yells, with eyes open as wide as if she has just discovered the biggest secret of all time, "Daddy is married TOO??!!" I was rolling with laughter and answered her that yes, Daddy was married to me, and we love each other soo much. My phone rang just then, and it was Dustin. I was still laughing and he wanted to know why. As I started to tell him, McKynzie runs up to me, using her McKynzie voice, and says "Is that my daddy?" I told her that it was indeed her daddy. She asked to talk with him"too tell him that he is MARRIED!" After Dustin got home, Cookie randomly tells him, still in shock, "Daddy, you're married!" He couldn't hold back the laughter, and asked her who he was married to. She stopped like right now, and tilts her head to the side, wrinkled her eyebrows, and nose, and says "What are you married to?!" I am dying to know what she thinks "married" is! We explained to her that we were married to each other. I thought she got it, but she still is completely puzzled about it.

How?

As I watched McKynzie (whom I have affectionately nicknamed "Tiny Tot" and "Cookie") sleep tonight, I marveled at her, and wondered how, when I kiss her goodnight and whisper so softly that "I love you baby girl, and I love being your mommy. You are so special to me. No matter what you do, I am proud of you." that Cookie whispers back, in a dead sleep, "I love you mommy". How can her brain still be processing even during sleep? It amazes me. I know their brains never stop, but it still is fascinating. How do they know where the edges of the bed are, and never (mostly never) fall off the bed during sleep? She will reach out, feeling for her Blankie, and pull it to her, and "arrange" it until it is (what I call wadded) what her sleeping brain decides is perfect. Tiny Tot then specifically drapes it over one shoulder, then adjusts it until the careful amount of Blankie is meticulously placed. I mistakenly placed her pillow on her bed with McQueen pillowcase upside down. She went into a panic. "Mommy, mommy! No, McQueen can't be upside down. We have to turn him. Fix it, mommy." She wouldn't rest her weary head on the pillow with McQueen in such distress. Such a dramatic disturbance to the bedtime ritual! I righted McQueen straight away, and she lovingly rubbed her little hands over him and said "there you go." As she centered her head perfectly on the pillow like she does,  I silently whispered a prayer, thanking God for giving her to us. Watching her sleep brought back memories. And emotions. Memories of  the sickening feeling that engulfed me when at 5mos pregnant with her, I realized that the 'cirque du soleil moves' had been frighteningly absent for 2 or 3 days. When the Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat, the overwhelming devastation was more then I could bear. Dustin and I sat in the Dr office, sobbing, unable to speak . I pleaded with God. How could we face life without this little baby, whom we have never even held yet loved more then life itself? The tears of relief and thankfulness, came like a torrential downpour when, during the emergency ultra sound they found her little heartbeat. I knew we would never forget that moment and the blessing of life that she is. She has brought so much laughter and "happy happy joy joy" to our lives. I would have missed out on so much without my Cookie. I have learned so much from this little girl. She is the most perfect little baby. Almost 3yr old baby, but our baby. I love you, Cookie!

The Marsh girls!

Easter egg hunts!

Apparently one had chocolate in it!

Hmmmm... Can't tell if this was before the potty break!

Sisters!

Pretty!

Goofy sisters!

Beautiful baby!

Posers!!

Pretty profile!

Pretty Smile!

Big Sis's pretty smile!  

Easter egg toenails.

Jumpin!

Jumpin so high!

I LOVE that face!

She always has a headband, and those boots are SUPER cool.

 her favorite, they light up!

And this one!

Just woke up!

Have you ever...

                                                Have you ever kissed a face THIS cute?!

...Worn a hat and looked this good in it?!

...Or looked this adorable doing nothing?!

...Seen such a smile?!

...Arranged the ceramic ducks/statues in the yard?

...Seen such crazy hair?!

                                                     ... Loved a ceramic duck so much?!

...Used garbage bags to parachute off of the playhouse?!

                                                     ...Looked this cute when you whistled?!

                                            
                                    ...Been so attached to a swim instructor that three weeks
                                            later you still cry and beg for him to come back?!
                                                                   ( me neither) :)

                                  ...Preferred to leave a tooth hanging rather than pull it out?!

...Made faces at your sister?!

...Had your best friend in your swim lessons?

...Had two students jumping in at you at the same time?!

What happened to me?

I used to be so un-touched emotionally. Numb, maybe. Nothing made me cry, I was never a person who was easily touched or moved. Now, I can hear two measures of "touching" music, and "the water works" begin. Dustin always asks me "what makes music touching? How can you distinguish a touching song from a non-touching song? What does a touching song even mean? There aren't even any words, Babe!!" What happened? My girls! I had two children. I think that made me feel everything so intensely. Joy is much more joyful, pain is more painful, touching is not even being touched, it's like being knocked over! It is almost like I was, emotionally speaking, a pastel person. Now, it's like my emotions are NEON! It's stupid, really, but I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't want the absence of feeling to be there when my daughter looses her first tooth. I cried off and on, mostly on, for hours. Several days in a row. Or her second tooth. I still cried. Not for as many hours. :) Or when Ashlynne reads. Or when she explains to her sister about how she should make a good choice and be respectful. And it tears me up when McKynzie insists on doing everything "herselth". She wants no help, and doesn't even want you to hear her potty. She will tell me "don't listen to my potty." EWWWW. What is it about the baby of the family that doesn't want to be the baby? The fact that she is capable of doing most things herselth touches me! She's growing up so fast. When McKynzie tells me "I'm you baby gwoll mommy!" my eyes start swimming. Even childrens books touch me to a depth I didn't know existed. Here is a book I bought the girls because of the cute little blinking musical heart on the cover. I didn't even read it before I bought it. And, you guessed it. As I am reading it to them through sobs. They hate seeing me cry, which makes them smother me with kisses and sit on my lap, crawl up towards my face, and beg me to not cry, because "it's such a good story, mommy". Here is what it says:

If you weren't my little girl, There'd be a whole in the world! ( I start feeling touched)
A piece would be gone! We just couldn't go on! (eyes rim with tears)
The world wouldn't work without YOU! (tears spill over on to my cheeks)
THIS WAS THE FIRST PAGE, PEOPLE!
For who would share smiles and outshine the sun? Who would be doctor and help everyone?
Who would give food to those needing some? It's a good thing you're MY little girl! (I break for tissues)
If you weren't my little girl, there'd be a whole in our home! (sobbing)
A piece would be gone! We just couldn't go on! Our family's no fun without YOU! (the girls ask me to re-read that page because they couldn't understand my crying voice. Which makes me re-read the touching pages again. It's like a vicious circle)
For who would be princess, the fairest of all? Who would spin circles and dance down the hall? (My girls dance in our hall every single day, asking me if they are my favorite dancers, and if I just love their outfits, to which I reply that I want to be as good of dancers as they are. They promise to teach me how. Shoulders are shaking by my crying with these flashbacks.)
Who would be mommy to all of your dolls? (They always tell me they want to be a mommy just as good as me, CRAZY CIRCLE WON'T STOP. The girls start hugging me.)
It's a good thing you are MY little girl!
If you weren't MY little girl, there'd be a big hole in my heart! A piece would be gone, I just couldn't go on! My heart would be searching for YOU! ( The girls start to panic. "Why are you crying mommy?"  They kiss me. I simply say I am touched. They argue that they aren't hurting me when they touch me. I say I am so grateful for their hugs and kisses. I will stop crying in a minute.)
For who would pick flowers to put in my vase? Who would give kisses all over my face?
Who'd say "I love you" in sweet little ways? (Ashlynne now states that this book was written about them. Makes me cry even more, as I agree.)
For God gave you to me. You're special you see!
There's no hole in my heart. You filled up that part! ( I nod in agreement and say so true!)
You're the best thing in life, MY little sweetheart! And I love you with my WHOLE heart.
The End. Ashlynne then asks why I am still crying if the story ended so happy. I tell them I am just happy. McKynzie laughs, tilts her head and says so sweetly, "but you're NOT happy!"

I LOVE my girls!

Slow Dance

I have been forcing myself to slow down and "slow dance" through life. It seems as though there is always a reason to be fast paced, and have a jammed schedule. When I do "slow dance" I find I see things that made the "slow dance" oh so worth it. And I smile and write it on my memorable moments heart page. Memorable moments such as watching my brother snuggle with my girls on Christmas day. One niece on each side of him and their heads together. It made me proud. Proud that he took the time to come. I know we are not very cool, especially at his age! Proud that they love him and adore him so much. They idolize their Uncle RaRa. Proud that he is my brother. I wanted so badly to freeze that moment in time, to never let it end, and that although there will hopefully be many more to come, this one would never ever happen again.

Watching my girls "navigate" through the Christmas clutter (I prefer to call it crumbs) on their new scooters (coolers according to McKynzie), arranging the boxes, and new toys to develop a challenging "cooler" track. Realizing, all the while that even though the clutter drove me crazy, I know that when the time comes that they get their first car, I will desperately wish for the scooter and Christmas crumb days. That being said, there is NOTHING like Christmas crumbs and scooters!!!! 

~Ashlynne is at that transition stage where she desperately wants to be "just like me"- Oh God help her!! and be who she wants to be. Does she buy the one like Mommy's or buy the color she truly likes? Should she do her hair like mommy's or how she thinks looks best? I realized the extreme admiration our children have for us when I tried a new look with my makeup. She was staring at me with a cute little smile that made me feel like at that moment, I was the most important person in the world. I asked her "what?!" And she gushes "Mom! you are soooo pretty. I love your makeup like that. I want to be that pretty when I grow up. And I'm going to do my makeup just like that." She stared at me the rest of the day with complete awe and admiration! Since then, she has wanted to wear that same red lipstick I wore that day. I understand now that it is the most sincerest complement I could ever be paid. And yes, I do let her wear it. 

~McKynzie is my one who can melt my heart with her sincerity, because she isn't serious often. She is also only two! BUT... when I told her, as I do every bedtime/naptime that she is the best baby EVER, she responded with her little serious voice "you are the best Mommy ever. I love you-so much" Oh can I tell you the waterworks started. She is usually goofy, and her rare serious moments always catches me off guard. 

~Once in a while life gives you a Fairy Tale... That is seriously how I feel. Sometimes I feel like my life is a fairy tale movie, and I am watching it. How on earth did I end up with such an incredible man? I am always amazed. Amazed at how when I am down, how much better he can make me feel. Amazed at how he loves me unconditionally. Amazed at how he "handles" us girls and our meltdowns! Amazed at how wise he is! Amazed at how he always sees the best in people-usually.  He holds me together when I fall apart, he is my rock. He is such a good man.  Babe, if you live to be a hundred, then I want to live to be a hundred minus a day so I never have to live one day without you. I love our life together and I love you.

Life...

I sat here scrolling through my old, beloved blog, and I cried a little. I remembered all of the reasons why I blogged. To keep record. To never let me forget where I have been and where I am headed. Can I tell you though, that we do forget? No matter how much you tell yourself "I will  never forget this moment" you just might. I never wanted to be the mom that didn't keep record of my kids cutest moments. Which, by the way, would keep me record keeping 24-7. But, sometimes, while you are living life and too busy enjoying all of these moments, you forget to journal them for the forever and ever and the great-greats to come. Sigh.

This year has been crazy. Crazy good. Crazy exciting. Crazy busy. Crazy reality checks. Crazy girls-all three of us!
I'll start with our summer... Ice skating lessons. swim lessons, cheer, ballet, a trip to Disneyland, potty training McKynzie and...The fear that gripped my heart with the reality that school was starting within three months. We are homeschooling our kids. Sounds easy, right? Some even say admirable, comendable. I was terrified that I wouldn't be a good teacher, that she is going to grow up with "holes" gaping, scholasticly speaking. I don't know why, but for some reason when public schooled kids education isn't up to par, it is accepted and no one says anything of it. Yet if a child is home schooled, and spell a word incorrectly, the teacher is inadequate. Plus it didn't help that MY child was old enough to start school. I seemed to have thought that they were both going to stay little for life and never reach school age. I was wrong! As parents, we teach our children to be honest, don't cheat, don't steal, don't eat your boogers, and love and trust the Lord. That seemed easy, which it isn't always, and the thought of teaching my child phonics rules with a teachers guide scared the socks off of me! I had it so backwards. Anyway, I started off our school day with prayer, and silently pleading with God to give me wisdom, and the grace to go through this day, all the while crying inside that my baby was this age. I feel like once they start school, the next day they are a teenager and then we are old gray headed parents waiting on the front patio for them to come home for the holidays... A bit dramatic I realize, but still is how I felt. Anyway, I remember hating school (not sure if I really hated school or just days. Maybe even just certain subjects. ) and had a vision in my mind of her hating it as well. After every subject had been done, and we had made our way through the first day, I was elated! She learned everything she was supposed to, loved it, and loved me for teaching her! So did McKynzie! That first day boosted my faith in God, myself, and her. She is such a trooper. Here I am practicing how to teach on the girls, and they look at me with awe that I  know so much stuff. If only they knew! It is January, and school has been so rewarding for all of us. Crazy how we are all learning while teaching the girls. McKynzie loves her school, her crafts, and her "jobs". She is the official Blend Ladder holder/pointer, official white-board-wiper-offer, she says the pledge of allegiance with us, LOVES song time and circle time, and takes her schoolwork seriously. If you point to random letters and ask their names, it will always be "B", and the sound will always be "G, as in goat". Numbers names are always 2 or 3! She will complete a paper, look at it and say with excitement and awe, "It's beeeeeautiful! I dis love it!" She loves her story time too. Oh, and sitting in Ashlynnes desk. She has her own desk, which is almost identical to Ashlynnes. But, it's not Ashlynne's. And it bugs Ashlynne very much that McKynzie sits in her desk because Ashlynne loves her desk as much as McKynzie does. Character lesson for both there! Ashlynne is a perfectionist. She gets frustrated when her handwriting isn't perfect, etc. She tries very hard and all of her assignments have very impressive penmanship! She is learning so much and so fast. I am scratching my head at how drastically different our two girls, with the same genetics learn. They process learning so different. Sometimes if I think about it, it drives me crazy.

That was school... Fast forward to Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for. That sounds so cliche, but it is so true for our family. My grandma fell in October and hasn't been well since. We have visited her a couple times since and I am so grateful that she is still here. She and I are very close, and as I was thinking about it, I realized how much she and grandpa have touched my life. I have been so blessed to have their love. I am so grateful for all of the wonderful memories of her that I have.
Secondly, My in-laws spent thanksgiving in California with some of Dave's relatives. We got a phone call day after Thanksgiving that My father in law was in the intesnsive care with a blood infection and kidney failure. It was a scary couple days. He hasn't ever been hospitalized so it was scary. Especially because it was so serious. I love my father in law and the thought of something happening was sickening. Marsh's don't like to get all sappy so I won't, but I am so glad he's ok.

We have been in Massachusetts for the last twelve days. While we were there, My brother in law had a heart attack. It kind of freaked us out. First Dave, then Mark. David and Dustin are under close watch! JK. I love my brother in law too. I guess I just love everybody! He is recovering and doing well. I am so thankful that we didn't have to attend funerals. Sometimes you don't take time to be thankful for your blessings. This year we were reminded that the things you take for granted aren't always going to be around. And yes, I did give my father in law a big hug when he got back. Marsh's don't hug but I didn't care if he was a hugger or not. Besides, I have the Marsh name, not the blood! And yes, Mark will get one when I see him too. I don't think I have ever hugged Mark. They aren't a hugging family! Anyway.
Massachusetts was fun. Most of the time. It was a long time to be gone, but so nice to get back. Here are some highlights.
~McKynzie loved the turbulent moments on the plane. When the plane would tip a bit to turn, She would squeal "It's tippin! It's gonna be fun!"
~Each time we boarded the plane, she would stop right before we stepped into the plane and say "can I touch it, the airplane?"
~Ashlynne and McKynzie putting their arms up during each take off and squealing, not so softly at first, as if they were on a roller coaster, McKynzie telling the people next to us to put their arms up and get excited too!
~My children playing with the toys in the toy store like they were their own. It was  a 45 min stop in each store!
~"steak" each morning for breakfast. It was sausage, but McKynzie insisted it was Sake...!
~My girls thanking the ladies who put the breakfast out at the  hotel for breakfast. McKynzie thanking them for the "sake".
~Having my husband "home at the hotel" He got to go in between 8 and 9 each morning and got off between 2 and 3. I loved that.
~Eating lunch with an instructor and some fellow students at Dustins school. Being mortified when the instructor asked Ashlynne if she had a good time. She replied with a very honest, mortifying "No". Why do children have to be honest? At said lunch, McKynzie announced to entire table that "I just farted"! Whaaaat?!
~The ladybugs we found in the hotel room window. They were trying to escape the bone chilling cold as we were. They provide hours, and I mean hours, of entertainment for children a long way from their home, with only coloring books and a stuffed animal.
~The oranges that played a part in everything from pretending they were very large ears on my children who were pretending to be varioius species of animals. Playing kickball with them. And even trying to balance on them. Yes it happened and no they didn't explode! I guarantee there was NO pulp left in those oranges, only juice!
~The handful of change that my girls made up all sorts of games with.
~Turtles at Bass Pro. And wishing Uncle RaRa was there so we could see him.
~Watching the girls target practice at Bass Pro. Ashlynne did very well. She hit her target quite a bit and aquired like 175 points... Not bad for only 5!
~The talk with Ashlynne about boyfriends. Long story.
~Ashlynne saying on the way home how bad she had to go potty... McKynzie, who is potty-trained, advising her to just go in her pants... Priceless!
~The Canadian Geese who were late flying south for the winter. Driving around them in circles so each girl could see them well. McKynzie squealing "They're Walkin! AND Talkin'! when she heard them honk.
~Waking up to McKynzie standing beside our bed saying "Mommy, your hair is...FLUFFY!!!!" I bolted out of bed and took care of that asap. When your 2 yr old tells you your hair is fluffy, you can take that to the bank. Besides, bed hair on anyone but my girls grosses me out immensly.