Making the hole in my life bearable.

My mom died January 18, 2005 and my dad remarried another woman in September 2005.  I was determined to hate her.   She was so different from my mom.   It seemed that she did everything she could to erase all evidence of my mom from the house she now shares with my dad.  I was angry because my dad allowed my mom to be erased from his life so quickly and completely.   I was angry that another woman had joined the family so quickly.

But, over the years I have come to my senses.  

While my step mom is not my mom, and never can be, here are some things that she is.

-- With my dad she is one of the greatest supporters of me and my family.   

-When I found myself in the throes of postpartum depression after my fifth child, she jumped right in to help.  She started taking the kids twice a week so I could have time to heal, to do what I needed to do to get through this challenge.

-She still takes my children at least once a week.  She takes them shopping with her, plans craft activities with them, and bakes cookies with them.  She made sure they had child seats for the car so she could take them on outings without having to take the seats out of my car.  

-- She is an extra grandma for my children.

- My children do not call her grandma.  But she has never treated them as anything less than her own biological grandchildren.   She has never treated them as inferior.

- She doesn't spend time with them for me anymore.  She spends time with them because she loves them and she loves to spend time with them.   

- She has joined us on our outings when I have needed an extra pair of hands and eyes.  She comes to the Children's museum with us.  She comes to the park with us when it is warm.   My kids love going to Grandpa and Marilee's house.  

Here is what she is not.

-- She is not perfect.  There are things about everybody, even my siblings, that annoy me and frustrate me.

- Even though she is not  perfect it is such a blessing to have her in our family.   She does so much for us.  Shortly after joining our family she had to battle breast cancer and has since struggled with her health.  Despite her own health challenges she is present and involved in the lives of my children.   She still takes the time to be a grandma to my five children.   Four of my children did not know my mom in this life.   

-Despite the times she annoys me or frustrates me, I am so grateful to have somebody there to lend a supporting hand when I need it.   She is not my mom.  She never can be my mom.   She can never fill the shoes my mom filled.  They are too different and have different parts of my life to fill.  I don't think she knows what a blessing she has been in my life.

So yes, I still miss my mom every day.  I wonder so many times how my mom dealt with six kids. Did she question her ability as a mother like I do?   How did she handle the situations that I face with my children?  These are questions I do not talk about with my step mom.  These are questions I reserve for my mom.   

But I have an extra person in my life to help me through the hard times.  I have somebody in my life who will give me the shirt off her back if I needed it.   I have somebody who helps me to teach my children the right way.    

Plus, I have someone who will go with me to the General  Women's Conference.  And because I just live down the street, she makes sure we have a seat at Stake Conference.  She doesn't complain when my kids want to sit next to her, cry, or have a temper tantrum at church.   She has taken my youngest more than once at church and gotten him to sleep.  

I have someone who wants all of my children around despite the challenges I face with them.  I have someone who doesn't judge me or my parenting for the lack of house cleanliness.   She tries to teach my children to help me out.  I have someone who, even when we have a difficult day, always comes back for  more!

As an adult I realize she can never replace my mom, can never fill the same role in my life.  I also realize that without her my life would not be as full.   I would have an unbearable hole.   She does not fill the hole my mom left, but she adds extra fullness to my life.    I still have a hole, but she makes that hole bearable. 

I don't know if Marilee will ever read this, but anybody else who does will know, that I am grateful for her in my life.  I am grateful for the love and joy she brings.  I am not grateful my mom died when she did, but I am grateful that somebody can be there for me when my own mom can't.   

Year in Review 2014

We have had our share of fun, challenges, and adventure this past year.   Here are some of the highlights from this past year.  This is a pretty long post as we have had a lot of stuff going on.   I have tried to limit the amount of pictures but this post is still heavy on pictures.  

We started out the year by going to the Dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point on New Year's Day.  This may just be a new tradition.   It was so fun to have a lot of room to move.  There were very few people at the museum.

In March I acquired a new business.  I have had a dream for quite some time of owning a business separate from my law practice.  This opportunity came available several months earlier.  Originally I was going to have a partner.  My partner eventually backed out and I wasn't sure I would be able to continue on my own.  I had the full support of my husband and he was determined to help me in any way possible.   Going at it alone has made finances tight but it has been a good experience.  I love having a second business.

Easter pictures!  We have a tradition of taking Easter morning pictures on the front porch.  This year was no different.  The kids were all ready for church in their Easter attire.   We quickly snapped a few pictures before leaving for church.   We can't get the kids dressed too early on Sunday morning or their clothes are all dirty by the time we get to church!

We generally don't take Mother's Day pictures but with the new photo studio we took the kids and had some fun.   Here are a couple of our favorites from that day.  I know, not all the kids are represented, but I couldn't find my favorites of the boys.    

 I also had the opportunity to once again take the girls, and Sierra, to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point.   Amber loves to take pictures and this was a perfect opportunity to practice.  There is also a photo contest that the girls entered hoping to win.   Neither of them won a prize this year, but they got some beautiful pictures.

Summer Activities

This section is not all inclusive.   I have separate sections for some of our Summer activities.   The summer was so full of fun.  We participated in Granite Play UnPlugged earning brag badges and the chance to win cash prizes.  None of the kids won cash prizes but it was certainly fun to do the many available activities.  Best of all, Play UnPlugged was free for the kids to participate in.

Sometimes the kids are so tuckered out that they fall asleep in random places.  Then I take pictures and share them here and on Facebook.   

Then sometimes they just need cuddles with Daddy.   He sure does love his daddy.  He's a big daddy's boy!

 We had the opportunity to go to a Bee's game (baseball) with my brother, Steven.  He had free tickets.   It was so fun to spend some time with him even though I left early due to a massive migraine,

 Girls Day Out!  This was the most fun we have had together as just girls.  We went to Color Me Mine and painted some figurines.  Amber painted a monkey, Emma painted a cat, and I painted a dragon for John.  We all had a good time.

 Jello Fight!   I saw this Jello Fight scheduled at Thanksgiving Point.  I thought it would be fun for the kids.  We got there and the kids weren't so excited about participating, but Timothy got covered in Jello!   It was fun to just get out and do something different.  They had the plastic kids swimming pools filled with jello.   What a fun idea!

Princess and Superhero Pictures!

Amber claims she doesn't like princesses anymore, but she definitely had fun with these princesses.  The boys loved Batman.  

Girl Scouts

Amber has been in Girl Scouts for two years now.  It has been such a good experience for her.   Because she has had a good experience we have allowed Emma to join too.   Emma is so excited to be like her big sister.   

Amber has had so many opportunities to learn and to have fun.  She attended a babysitter safety class where they also gave an overview of CPR.  She was also able to go to Lagoon with her troop.   They went to Pioneer Village and took pictures dressed up in western wear from a long time ago.  She had a lot of fun.  

Amber was also able to attend Girl Scout camp again this year.  She loves camp.  She had so much to tell us when she got home.  We are excited for the opportunities both girls will have this coming year!

Amber also bridged from Juniors to Cadettes.   I do not know why she insists on growing up! :)

The three kids in school all decided they wanted to do Photography for Reflections.  I was impressed with what they came up with.  The theme was " The world will be a better place if . . ."

Amber was able to take a photography class over the summer.   Here are two pictures from her class.  

For the past few years the girls have been able to walk in the Taylorsville Dayzz and Days of '47 parades with my dad and the Sons of Utah Pioneers.  They love it.

Fall pictures with the kiddos.  The boys join me at the studio quite often.  We also took a family trip to Temple Square.

Some more excitement in our family!

We have had the Tahoe for over 7 years.  We have driven to Michigan multiple times and to Arizona.  Besides the small dings in the windshield we never had a major crack.   But this summer when I was coming home from Thanksgiving Point, a mere 1/2 hour drive, we got hit by a huge stone causing a major crack.  This made a whole windshield replacement necessary.  

Sometime during the summer I had yellow paint at my house.  The boys got into the paint and painted my Tahoe and the driveway.  Luckily I found it in time to get most of it off the Tahoe.  I left the driveway.  

Of course, our year would not be complete without Halloween!   Thanks to Marilee who made Amber's Maleficent costume and provided us with the materials for Timothy and Donovan.

We had to test out the holiday decorations and props at the studio.  So the boys joined me once again while the older three were at school!  

Santa Pictures!

Our year would not be complete without Santa Pictures.   We had Santa at the Photo Studio.   My kids were so excited.  Thank you to James Ford who makes a pretty awesome Santa.  I love knowing people who can help me out with awesome events like this!

So, there are the highlights from our year.   We have had a very full year.  We are looking forward to the new year and the things that will happen next year.  

Tender moments

My son has been asking for awhile now to go to Temple Square.   I keep putting him off because of my own selfishness.  It is too difficult, I say, to get everyone in the car and to go downtown.   I keep telling him we will go another time when I'm not so tired, when I feel better.   I found the excuses were getting easier but my son's frustration was growing faster.

Finally I decided to stop putting it off.  We had a relatively nice day weather-wise.  It was a little crisp, but not raining.   We donned our jackets and trooped off to Temple Square.   Of course we can't go anywhere without Amber wanting to take pictures.  We packed the camera, the diaper bag, and the stroller.   And we were off.

I just wanted to share a picture I love from that trip to temple square.  I love this picture.  

This picture tugs at my very tender heartstrings.   Even though I know this is just a statue, I felt the love and acceptance for my son.  I was reminded of how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love each one of us.  I am reminded of the scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that tells us the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10)  Our struggles and shortcomings do not matter.   He still beckons to us- come a little closer.   In this picture my son looks to be having a conversation with Christ and Christ is listening, beckoning him to come closer.  

This is why I love this picture.  I love that my daughter captured this.   She has an ever increasing ability to capture emotion and to tell a story through her pictures.   I am so grateful she is willing to share her talents with me.   This picture is just one reason.   I will now welcome my children home from school and share the love that swells my heart today!

And then there was that other time . . . . .

Do you remember that one time I said I had to beg for a project all my own?  Well, I started the project.  But then I got sick.  I did not have the energy nor the brain power to complete the project.  Everything was set up in the garage for me, but we couldn't park our cars in the garage.   Yikes.   I had to ask for help.  I cried when I told my husband I would need his help.   I was so sad.   But it all worked out.  

So my project was to convert a twin size bed frame into a queen size bed frame with a bench at the end of the bed.   Then we needed to clean out the closet because I was going to convert the closet into the headboard area!   I thought the latter part would take a lot of convincing but my husband jumped right on board with me.  He thought it was a good idea!   Yay!

Here is what we did.   Because I wasn't really feeling well I didn't take and before pictures or any pictures of the process.  I only have pictures of the end (sort of) result.   We still have some work to get things organized and set up properly in our bedroom, but it is mostly done.  

This was the headboard for the original bed.   We cut the legs off the headboard leaving just the bookshelf portion.   We ended up cutting about 20" off the bottom.  This became the bench at the end of the bed.   This was the easy part and probably one of my favorite parts.  

We added about 5" to the length on each side.  We added about 20" to the width of the bed.   You can't see the ends where we added 20" but it is really there, promise. This used to be a captains bed.  The bottom of the drawers were all ruined.  I decided to just attach the front of the drawers to the side.  It looks like there are drawers.   I really do love it.

The bed is now taking up the former closet space.   We still need to take out the bar and organize everything better.   But it works well.   It will take some getting used to.  

Did you see the shelves on the left side of the bed.  Those were already in the closet.  So John decided the other side needed shelves, especially since that is my side of the bed!   He installed three shelves for me on my side.   Don't mind the mess, we are still in the organizing process here.   Stuff is all over.

Now that we have the bed done, we have the huge  task of re-organizing our bedroom.  Now we are at the not so fun stage.  Re-organizing is the worst part of rearranging a room.   We have had a lot of upheaval in our home lately.   Hopefully I start feeling better so I get the energy to work for long periods of time.   I want this done now!  

I now have my garage back until I start another project.  I'm really kinda liking this do it yourself stuff.  I haven't been a big DIY'er.  But I have seen a lot of things lately that look easy enough for a craft challenged person to put together.   I love it.