I think the worst part is that I keep trying to explain dysphoria like it is just discomfort when honestly it feels more parasitic than that, like something that crawls into every relationship I have and every decision I make and suddenly nothing is just “normal” anymore because everything gets filtered through this unbearable awareness that I am being perceived wrong all the time.

And people think perception is small. It is not small. It changes the temperature of your entire life.

The way people talk to me.

The responsibilities they hand me.

The assumptions.

The future they project onto me.

The hardness expected from me.

The emotional containment.

The masculinity.

And I keep trying to survive it because what else am I supposed to do.

But femininity does not feel like performance to me. It feels like relief. Actual relief. Like finally exhaling after holding my breath for years without realizing I was suffocating the entire time.

Being perceived as feminine makes me feel safe in a way I cannot even fully explain yet. Safe and heard. Like somebody finally stopped looking through me incorrectly for one second.

And maybe that is why I keep ending up in the wrong hands.

Because starving people do not always choose safe food. Sometimes they just choose whatever keeps them alive another night.

I relapsed on no contact with my abuser and I hate that part of me felt relieved because what kind of sick fucking loop is that. But the relief was real. Not because the pain disappeared but because for a second I was not alone with all of this.

No support.

No touch.

No gender affirming care.

No softness.

No place to put any of this.

Just dysphoria expanding inside me until even harmful attention starts feeling emotionally medicinal.

And then I let people drag me around emotionally like a wet mop because at least being dragged means being noticed.

I know how pathetic that sounds.

But invisibility does something horrifying to a person over time.

Especially when you already feel invisible inside your own body.

Especially when masculinity already feels like wearing somebody else’s skin stretched over your nervous system every single day.

I do not think people understand how exhausting it is to constantly negotiate your existence against your own reflection. My face feels wrong to me in ways I still struggle to articulate without sounding insane. The way my body functions feels wrong. The way orgasms function feels wrong. The way I am expected to move through the world feels wrong.

And then femininity enters the room and suddenly my entire nervous system softens toward itself.

Being fem heals me.

Not aesthetically.

Not sexually.

Not performatively.

Deeply.

In the places that have been hurting quietly for years.

I think my body learned the wrong language too early.

Not love.

Not safety.

Not being held.

Just being wanted – quickly, urgently, like hunger.

And now it’s the only thing that makes the shaking stop.

I have this horrible feeling there’s something fundamentally rotten in me.

That I am greedy for attention,

perverted by loneliness,

selfish with my pain,

apathetic to my own dignity,

cynical about tenderness,

depraved in the way I return to the same hands that emptied me.

Like my nervous system only recognizes touch when it burns.

I tell myself I’m healing,

I tell myself I’m stronger,

I tell myself I deserve softness –

and then the silence comes.

and my body betrays me.

It doesn’t want softness.

It wants intensity.

It wants to be pulled into focus.

It wants to be needed in a way that erases me.

There’s something humiliating about how fast relief arrives.

How my chest loosens.

the moment I am reduced to something consumable.

Like being used is the closest thing I know to being held.

Afterward I feel hollowed out.

but also calm,

which feels worse.

Because what kind of person feels safer.

after being discarded?

I keep thinking a healthy person would recoil.

A healthy body would reject this.

But mine leans toward it,

like a bruise pressing into the hand that caused it.

Sometimes I wonder if I trained myself into this –

if I confused being chosen.

with being available,

being desired.

with being safe,

being consumed.

with being loved.

And now I don’t know how to separate them.

The most brutal part is not the act.

It’s the quiet afterward.

The way my body goes still,

like it finally got what it needed.

And I hate it.

I hate that this is what calms me.

I hate that this is what steadies me.

I hate that somewhere deep in my wiring.

this is labeled comfort.

Like I’ve taught myself.

that the only way to feel okay.

is to disappear inside someone else’s want.

And every time I come back to myself.

there’s less of me left to return to.

Sometimes the most cherished memories deserve the world to have a glance at them. So I thought might as well let some light fall upon this forbidden desire feared by society and those who dare to seek are pushed Aside blamed to be reeking of dirt.

The timeline was somewhere between 2014–15.

Our city was facing the most unforgiving downpour that season, amidst the rain was me walking back home, zoned out wondering what I have just been through. Puddle everywhere, trees violently swinging with strong gusts of winds, the rain hitting my body like piercing arrow shot from the castle up in the hills, I couldn’t walk to a normal extent my body trembling, terrified, shutting down…

I was gentle with my steps as I entered the park, puddles, wet swings, overflowing fountain, rain still ruthless.

There was this beautiful man just steadily walking across the park who steadied his pace and noticed me, my vision caught a glimpse of his blue hoodie under the overcast hue, holding an umbrella. He stopped as I was walking, halfway across the park pavement, he entered from the other side with his face still hidden in the shadow of his umbrella, like the universe told me to look for his soul.

As we step forward, his words gently dance through the rain like an embrace, “come under my umbrella” Oh his voice so masculine with the depth yet nurturing like femininity a balance that danced along in harmony as my soul couldn’t help me get slain by its flamboyance.

I stopped, and I couldn’t move anymore like a guard that was placed for me to rest upon at that moment. I was still terrified and couldn’t process what I had been through. I was reeking a kind of smell people hope the faints of hearts don’t get poised by.

I stood, noticed his face as he came closer, the shadows fading, the beauty unravelling, my eyes couldn’t dare to meet his eyes, I just lost myself like something pulled me closer and drove me away from his appearance again and again.

He noticed my face, his expression concerned, as if he saw right through me, his voice and gaze were not dancing around me but scanned me for what I had been through.

He came closer, knowing something I wish someone had witnessed in me without speaking, he leaned his umbrella over me, pointed at the marble bench that was closest to us under the faint tree through which the rain will still cutting through.

He stood still as I dared to pick my feet up, I dared but something felt off, the weight of my step felt light, and as each step I took towards that bench, he matched my pace, holding his umbrella like a shield I was never given throughout my childhood.

We approached the bench he made sure to wipe the water with his soft hands from it and made me sit, a level of nurturing I yearned for, he extended his umbrella and told me to hold it, with a small glimmer of hope on his face, he said “ tu idhar rukh Mai bas aata hu “ ( translation: you stay here, I’m just coming )

I held that umbrella as I see his feet race through the pavement, splashing water each step, rain leaving it’s marks on his hoodie, I saw him take a turn towards the shop nearby, bring a bag of chips and soda to drink, he raced back this time, a smile knowing we were something more than anyone could understand.

I witnessed that smile and I couldn’t hold myself together anymore each step he took closer through screamed at the rain that we were cutting through it now, each step felt like a wall I raised up so high that could finally stop pretending and lay for it’s own safety, I started to unravel my emotions all at once, felt like everything that I had suppressed could be heard today as if his hands reached through to the depths of this ocean I was sinking in.

In all those years of my life I feared men like nothing else, like I never imagined I would witness a man who would be so gentle for once.

He came under the umbrella sat besides me and as he lifted his hand, I could sense the warmth climbing from my lower back to my head, it was radiating the warmth that would have cured anyone who dared to embrace it.

His palms over my head, he gently started to graze and I could finally lay all of my walls rest and continue to allow my emotions flow, as if the rain was not harsh this time it signaled me to let my tears flow with it, as each passing tear streaked down my face I felt his warmth just dry the sorrow that was all built up inside me.

My vision still blurry, I noticed the park starting to fill up with more water as the sewage systems were overflowing due to the sheer intensity and duration of the rain.

He continued grazing his palm over my head each stroke at a different pace as if he had a language for its warmth.

That’s when he said that still echoes inside me “Mai Hoon Na” (I am here ) Over and over again, his voice was growing through my body like I was being wrapped in his gentle vines being embraced as I never felt this warm.

The words he repeated with a little weight every time he spoke. I couldn’t help but let them all hold me.

“Kuch nahi hoga Terko” ( nothing will happen to you ) he added like the knot that was meant to be for those who wed for eternity, soul bonding through space and time as each atom collided to form something that I could say he was the only man I ever let my guards down for ever till my existence today.

He let me continue to sob as I couldn’t Help but grab his arm and lean into him, tucking myself in every time he spoke the words and grazed my head with his palm.

His hoodie felt like a bag of feathers to my skin, every fold felt like a hill covered in flowers, the meadows in between blooming, his warmth as ever lasting and growing through us like the fuel that let was the soul of everything in our world, his words laying the bricks for the walls of the castle no one dare to conquer or triumph over. His touch felt like a shallow gust kissing your soul as you were living in his world, dancing, happy, fearless through the hills and meadows till the castle.

Time passed like we were interstellar, every second felt like years passing in the real world, we spent another half hour in embrace, it felt like I had lived through generations of our souls bonding somewhere between time and space, though all the ages.

The world around us did not dare to witness what would have healed them. Cars barely passed by across the park their headlights couldn’t stand the sheer might of rain this time, the shopkeepers from his den behind us kept his gazes away not knowing what they were missing out on.

Nature had it’s own way of speaking to us, the pigeons hidden in the tree branch’s went silent all eyes on us, the crows didn’t Dare to utter a word either, the squirrel sheltered underneath other branch just witnessing us, the earthworms and other bugs staying steady on the pavement, the sun crying to witness, the clouds standing around like a wild crowd rumbling, the lighting thudding like roses were being tossed onto the stage, just witnessing us growing into something I can’t comprehend to explain.

My world never so quite and safe before finally started to bloom as I let my mouth run and pour my heart out to his soul with his arms reaching across and holding every syllable I dared to spill, like a fountain I could could flow, my ability to articulate was cured for that moment, and he was there embracing, witnessing and nurturing each bit of it.

With no words spoken my vision blurry I felt my world implode when we wrapped his arms around me into a tighter embrace, now we were radiating love that no one dared to touch or set their gaze upon, so bright it might have blinded anyone. I felt every scar on my soul just turn into a oasis, the drought cured with floods of water gently flowing through nature blooming within my soul, the kid within me let it all flow and stood there in that field on his own two feet embracing everything that came his way for the first time, this time the kid in me could process everything he had been through and what he was living in the moment, like both my present and past co existed and felt at ease, in harmony for this once.

He started to unpack more of his words he explain why, when, where, how, and who about my problems that I gently folded and kept in his lap for him to untangle the mess I was, so he did string by string, each line picked with gentleness only one held could ever understand, as he kept on going with his wisdom it started reflecting like a mirror I could see my past in his soul, scars engraved across his world, wounds I could see carrying the same weight, something in me kicked me to match our gazes for the first time, and I could see the defiance it takes one to be this wise, I dared to ask him, my voice reached my throat but I pushed through “have you been through the same?” his eyes started to glimmer with finally being seen through like a soul yearning to be touched with the curiosity with gentleness and I extended myself onto him, his voice shut for the first time like he knew the silence spoke louder between us, a nod knowing we finally met at a pedistal we placed so far up high that the stars would grow shy of reaching it’s height, he dared to open his voice but it shattered before it could even reach his toung. I pulled my arms up, trying to trace his face with the back of my palms, holding his other arm in an way if i ever let go I would fall, for once I wanted the rain to stay quite but it was being a stubborn guide that was bent on leading us to another moment. His voice still heavy, wondering how have we met each other.

I yearned to hear his words so much so I asked him, “could we move to somewhere else?” The park seemed to get a little worse with the rain as the water was rising. He was still for a moment slipping into a deep ponder about something. I look around the park and notice the mud getting on our feet, as I was about to ask him again, he said, “I know a place, let’s go to the other section of the colony where no one would know you or me.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying yes, I never felt this safe before and I wanted more of what ever we were. I had eyes wide open, eyebrows peaking, nodding my statement. A yes a step of faith for us into our own world to bloom, it felt like stars aligned before the night this time.

We stood up to fight the rain and give it what it wants finally and as we just took a step to realise our hands were intertwined with a firm grip of never wanting to let go of something so beautiful we are lucky to only witness it once in our lives, a tug I felt at that moment realising I never let go of his hands, how could one dare to let go after where just met each other. Belonging, safety, warmth words fall short for this. We both match our gazes again with curiosity and knowing that moment again we were more than just anything. I felt the warmth miss my soul and pulled myself closer into his arms a gentle embrace like I could finally lay at rest knowing I’ll be safe, him holding me tighter to make sure I don’t go away, unspoken yet we engraved it into our worlds for each to embrace.

We started to walk slowly through the pavements but I couldn’t help but not feel any cold from the rain or the strong gust of winds that blew our way, he felt so much of everything stuck on repeat in my soul that i had yearned for. As we stepped onto the road we met our gazes again knowing the path will be quite messy. I dared to stand straight after I fell for him so hard I realised I did not sit or stand still the whole time, his smile I traced his chin to mark my world, to give back of what he had been showering me with all this time, he blushed as we were still holding hands his grip went firm and I met his gaze I saw his world implode, now for what I could see are the glimmers of a defiant soul meeting who they yearned for a long time. I dared to meet them there.

I said “chalo chalte hai” ( come on let’s go ) my tone was brimming with hope and joy, I knew this was everything I hoped for, and I could wait but to see where things went from here.

As we walked on the road holding hands dodging and tip toeing around puddles, our laughters couldn’t hold themselves back but decided to join us and start dancing along the way. A point where my grip almost slipped, a rift of emotions just struck us both like we knew how tender our souls were, watching one fall will shatter his and my soul into a million pieces and we firmed up our grip and he pulled me closer into a tug where we told me again with his voice cracking “Mai hoon na, Terko kuch nahi hoga” ( I am here, nothing will happen to you ) that hurt when you notice in someone who can’t even imagine you getting hurt just sends a chill down your spine, a realisation that it hurts someone when I get hurt. I loved every single part of it to a point I just tugged a bit more into him and told him “ab pata hai” ( now I know ) while being all clumsy as I had a glimpse of his tear slipping away as we continued our walk.

We kept our pace slow like we wanted to slow the time down, the rain a little lighter now giving us a sign we were going where it wanted us to be, the gust of winds were still brutal tho, every gust I just wished I could just wrap myself onto him completely as I tugged myself closer as the wind blew he realised I’m still drenched and needed more warmth, he gently started to rub my other half, the warmth that came from knowing this one did everything it took to keep me safe was everything I needed to keep me from falling sick or cold at that moment, a kind of heat that is born within one at that moment is quite felt like a born fight night under the starry skies.

As we reached a corner I asked him “could we detour?” As he looked around and tilted his head with a smile wide across his face “sure… where do you want to go now?” I smiled back held his hand and pulled him in into an alley which led to my comfort spot, as we were walking through I noticed how he kept matching my pace and excitement, his head looking around and noticing things for the first time, I knew this one would love it, as the spot became visible in our path, I slowed my pace and pointed “that one!” He said “Merko pata tha” ( I knew ) with a smile on his face like he knew me before even even crossing my path, my eyes teared up with the overwhelming joy of his presence in living through it, my voice cracked “yaha par acha lagta hai” ( it feels good here ) his smile never faded but his pace slowed and pulled me back a little, I showed him the place around, the plants that dried as autumn was arriving and the place a shelter covered with black sheet as to give it a roof under which some people served meals before now they only serve chai and coffee throughout the day, we stood there as the shopkeeper recognised me, the shopkeeper knew I was upto something special, he was a retired army personal for all we knew, big mustach, tan jacket and a earthy cap, he saw me holding him tightly and leaning into him, a smile lit on his face too knowing this was the moment for me, he called us both, I told him “this shopkeeper is a good person I usually come here away from everyone to just sit and just watch him make stuff”, to which he said “how could I not join you on this one?” A smile across our faces, our embrace still warm and the grip firm, the shopkeeper requested us to enjoy some coffee from his side since I bought a person with me for the first time. We both agreed with excitement and decided to take some coffee in those small glass cups, while serving, he asked “he is special to you right? that’s why I am giving it to you for free today!, you two need to make this moment worthy”

I nodded, my soul never found this level of love affection and acceptance all at once over and over again, my hands trembling because I feared to spill the coffee as he rushed towards me like he knew one step more and we might have to end up paying. He held the cup from below, I just gave him a stare and wondered how come did he not feel the heat blazing through the glass, I asked him “it’s hot please be carefull” to which he chuckled “I am used to having hot stuff right out of the kitchen, so for me it’s not that warm” my eyes wide open and I told him “I am the person who waits for my food to be just warm enough to enjoy” he said “why should I not enjoy your taste then?” I chuckled and pulled a silly me by saying “not before I taste yours” and gulped a decent sip of the hot coffee and burning my mouth in the process, a shock wave and in a spirt of moment his reaction as he pulled me into a embrace “oh please don’t hurt yourself” his voice trembling so was his embrace, I had tears in my eyes and just hummed “mhmm” but that moment I couldn’t help myself but I wanted to be more silly and hurt myself just to watch how concerned he gets every time I got hurt, his emotions flowed through him so well that it made me realise everytime we were not just anything but everything, I slipped into his arms and started to cry “it’s ok I am here, just be careful, open your mouth stick your toung out” I just did and he extended his other arm, his hoodie sleeve covering his palm he wiped my toung, “it will be ok” as he bent down a bit to blow some cool air, and I blushed too hard as my tears kept on flowing, he laughed “oh silly you”. My heart felt the care it needed.

As we take few steps to stand besides the shop and decide where we would go, I looked upto him and asked him “now shall we go to the place we planned on going to?” He nodded “yes, but let’s walk slowly I want this day to be longer” I nudged my head into his stomach “could it be forever?” Silence in our gazes brimming with hope and every emotion that could go through one’s soul when destiny shows up knocking at your doorstep on an unexpected day. A shared smiled we knew the answer.

The rain got a little silent, like it wanted to show we were getting closer, the gust of winds a little gentle like now it wants to match our pace, the drizzling rain caught our attention, still didn’t want to put the umbrella down because it gave us an excuse to hold each other closer a little longer. Our pace slow to make the day grow longer walking to the place where we meant to be, birds decided to enjoy the sky around us when the rain lightened up a bit, the tress and sheds dripping water like everything screaming a moment spent together adds up to living an eternity with one another.

My emotions were continuing to flow, from sobbing to chuckling and giggling and sighing for all the warmth, affection, care, want, desire were dancing in harmony, his words “it’s ok baba, Mai hu, sab theek hoga” ( its okay baba, I am here, everything will be alright ).

Switching roads to alleys I grabbed him with both of my arms and leaned in more, like I layed my whole weight on him, his foot embraced the weight, his arm now covering my shoulder the other wrapped from front the umbrella balanced between our embrace.

We reached the final alley to the place where we wanted to be, my soul safest it has ever been, his embrace never lost the warmth, we took our steps as we noticed some houses being decorated streaks of light ropes hanging and spread across the railing and walls, our eyes met again we knew the beauty we both adored around us without any words a sigh of knowing we were everything now.

As we reached the spot, around the corner wall of the colony, we decided to stay under the grace of a large tree leaning from outside the wall. As we took shelter our heart beats were synced up, our breaths dancing together, our hearts colliding, we stood there and decided to absorb the place a little more.

My clothes were still damp, the wind nudged me a bit and the rain it started to grumble again, like hey you silly two it’s high time you both find a place. It pushed me to ask him “ I am still feeling cold, do you have a place? Because my place is not for the faint of hearts.”

To which he nodded like he understood every part of me before I needed to explain myself any more, he gently held me and said “merko ek area pata hai waha chalte hai” ( I know a area, let’s go there ) I smiled and nodded, at this comfort I was ready to follow him into the eternal flames of hell, I don’t Why but I couldn’t help myself but be so attracted to this man, like I was the gayest person to exist on earth at that moment, i wanted every inch of him, I wanted to serve my all to him. And till yet he has been the only man in my life that I have ever trusted as whole and fallen for.

He leads me to a roof top area, he mentioned “the houses here on top floor aren’t acquired yet and still have work going regarding some renovation” I dilly dallied my way up the flight of stairs with him as we reach the top floor we decided to sit on the stairs just to hold a good view of the street that was faintly showing and the sky was wide, the rain started to scream so it could hush our noises and the wind went numb knowing the tree was holding itself up high for us to not feel shy.

I was laying my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me, the umbrella on the flight of stairs below blocking the way up, our conversation grew deeper, we poured about life, about what we were noticing around us, the lights, the homes, the park, the clouds, the rain, the tree ahead of us, the memories we experienced, the emotions we lived through, the world we wanted to see growing up, the world we wanted to make growing up, the stars we wanted to touch, the sky’s we wanted to lay under, the weathers we wanted to fight. Our conversations was so clumsy I wanted to eat this man alive for the way I desired and adored him at the same time, I never felt this and it was more than everything I asked for.

My emotions were growing and I was getting overwhelmed, as I started to suddenly cry again, he held me warm, started brushing his arms across me, his words “is it getting too much again? Do you want me to keep you in a safer place? Do you want me to get something to eat or drink?”

You silly fucker I fell for you the moment I couldn’t meet your gaze, you concern showing through the fading shadows off your face and the arms that you extended were everything I ever needed to fall for you over and over and over and over again. I fucking loved you before even you knew it.

I decided to let him know “I never felt this safe with a man ever before or ever could in my life, your beauty triumphs over ever human I could possibly come across in this world, your soul so unique I wanted to sacrifice myself for your enrichment, I wanted to be with you forever”

It sent him into a freeze as my tone was as aggressive and as yearning one could get, he met my eyes again I got scared and pulled back, I whispered sorry and started crying my eyes out not knowing what i just said, and then…

I felt him arms reach faster than ever before without saying a word, the air around his arms whizzed at the speed he held me and pulled me closer and gave me my biggest hug ever, warmer, still gentle, not possessive but meeting me at the pedestal again, he said “ tu acha hai, aise kisi ke Sath nahi kartey, Terko merepe itna trust nahi karna chahiye” ( you are good, you just don’t do this with anyone, you should not trust me so much ).

Trust? You flippin squish ball, I am all yours and always wanted to be.

I couldn’t say a word, he asked “kyu?” ( why? ) With his eyes hoping for the answer, I stared back into his soul and decided to meet him there “ I never felt this safe with a man before, the way your emotions flowed individually in a Harmony I never witnessed before, when you speak my mind could shut itself off, when you held me everything in me went calm like I ever had been through anything, I have never know touch without demand, or warmth without a reason, and because this world keeps telling me I’m too much, too different, too torn apart, too used, too useless that anyone would dare to touch me for the filth I carry, you embraced me like I was your everything, you made be believe love can exist without bruises, and maybe just maybe this world didn’t forget about my existence, so please let me be yours because I can’t Help myself anymore falling for the places we met today and for all the unspoken bonds we carry”

Mi amor, te encontraré en el pedestal.

The glance, you pulled me closer to set me up on the top stair, a devotion you were, turned into a devotee, amor…

sí, amor…

when you put me on the top of the stair, you are devotion, you turned into a devotee, your eyes hazel brown glimmering under the overcast hue, the boldness your eyes carried did not make me tremble but left me in awe for a beauty I was witnessing even when the clouds covered the sky, the curls in your iris shows the fights you have been through yet they are curved so beautifully it showed how flamboyant you were when it came to dealing with your fears, yet you are here with me amor. mi amor, the way you grabbed my ankle and brought it a stair down it wasn’t a step for me, i was pulled into your world where your soul breaths my name, you called me amor, and all i could call you my mi amor, they way i slipped into your world as you come closer to me each breath felt closer, as the breaths we breathed started to turn into a storm between our souls a storm that we tamed, as your hands grabs my face and the other on my thigh i never thought destinity made me capable of witnessing something so good, you waited, our breath sync up again, my eyes started to flow with tears with the beauty i had staring right into my soul, my body heated up as you held where my sweat learnt to dance with my tears you graze your thumb across my cheeks making sure those tears dont fall off my face and lay in your palms, mi amor, my tears and sweat learnt to dance in harmony inviting the damp rain drops from your wet hair, like rain meant for them to all dance in harmony, my breaths growing deeper as i could sense your soul engulfing mine while you just held me amor, your lips faint in the dusk but still bloomed like a everlasting beauty you were around every season that passed, amor my back arched the moment your hands traced my thighs to my waist, i arched you still held.

Amor, mi amor, why was it taking you so long?

Tears showered, you noticed, ran your hands through my hip to my back the other traced from my face to back through my neck and you gave me the embrace that I would ever need, amor, you held me so gentle, amor you hugged me like there was no tomorrow.

I surrender amor… I surrender… amor…

You knew my scars before i even told you where i was wounded, you just grazed my wounds amor, your cheeks never felt this soft before, you breath on my neck streaming all the way down my back, amor you held me longer than anyone ever did, you let your embrace loose to kiss my ears with your voice “your pretty…”

amor… why was I crying soo much? Maybe it was the first time I had been kissed with words as gentle as yours?

Amor your hands held me tracing my back like you did not own me but you were cherishing each inch of my skin like I was someone who was everything, mi amor you kissing my ears was like your got out of your high placed throne just to kiss the Matt that led you there, every word you whispered that stays between us stayed and still stays, I wish I could tell this world there are men out there who stand above the standards of fictional men, amor I promised, and will again, no matter how bad it breaks me to be stuck in your loop everytime, I love the euphoria of your words when they embrace me.

You grazed my ears with your lips, tracing “tender” you say…

I surrender amor. How many times can i surrender mi amor. you had me at the park itself.

You lips softer each time they met my skin, tracing all the way down to my neck, amor you engraved your path on my skin, you traced my chin then grazed through my cheek, like you knew this path, so elegant mi amor, so gentle…

Mi amor you held me till my tears stopped flowing, you owned me amor but you never made me feel owned rather someone who was crowned. Si amor… you were right all along…

Mi amor, I surrender, please… you have my all.

“amor” you called me… “mi amor…”

I surrender amor, yet I was not your possession rather the grace you made me feel all along, you tug back as you heard me wheeze, amor your hair you brushed my chin like I was slipping on flowers, you held your head against my chest, that healed me I didn’t need to breath that hard anymore, the comfort of your hands still holding my back, your head on my chest as I could lay rest upon your head with my chin… amor…

“Nothing is going to hurt you amor.”

Yes, mi amor… no one could ever after your embrace that I still carry around as my armour and shield… si amor nothing could ever…

You picked yourself up, to meet my gaze again, this time I saw our worlds in harmony, mi amor… your gaze feel upon my spots the on the chin the moment your gaze met them you already had your thumb over them.

You have me amor…

A smile across your face like you knew I wanted you to own those birthmarks like they were meant to be. beauty spots known as the places your last lover kissed you the most in the past life, I want you to see all of them, mi amor… You met my gaze again, and you knew amor… You went gentle on it, soft that I could feel the air lay rest and embracing my skin,

You can have them all mi amor. You were the one to give them to me in the past life and in this one again, amor.

“The beauty you are amor” as your breath crushes under the weight of holding yourself together.

I know amor… I know… You can have me, mi amor, I surrender… amor…

Why are you crying mi amor?

You pulled back held my face our gaze met again this time you knew you could have me amor, I was always yours. You eyes did not beg amor, your eyes waited at the gates of hell to commit the sin we were destined to breath, “i am yours” I say, his eyes still waited like he knew the wounds I carry, “it’s ok, I am fine, I adore this, i need this, I love it, your embrace, your hands, your voice, your breath, your skin, your presence” I beg you, yet you stared, “i know you won’t hurt me amor, never will” I command, he still waits his eyes filled with tears starting to overflow.

Amor, you still saw it.

My shoulders dropped, your eyes did not even budge, you knew i was now ready for you mi amor…

Oi my fucking rasmalai wtf was wrong with you? Come on give it to me…. I swear to god I would toss you out of the stairs if I could just do it amorrr please… AMORRRRRR

You waited, your gaze still searching my soul, studying everything it saw you still noticed something, amor…

Yes you did…

my legs curved inwards, you saw the final wall, no wonder you had your phd on me amor and no wonder you were standing in front of the last wall this whole time, but you didn’t watch it fall… You let it gracefully lay rest, your gaze still did not budge but your tears stopped the smile still held, your body now radiating something even I couldn’t explain I guess that was my true surrender, amor, our souls were out of our bodies coexisting between us.

“Hehe mi amor, shall we sin? For you have my full honour, grace and permission.. please don’t let me command.”

A chuckle we both shared

No, our arses had to laugh

And laughter filled the stars echoing back to us, at this point we didn’t care if people witnessed us, we were it, we were everything we placed each other on, a pedestal we met, we were whole…

Our hands now dancing not just tracing, our souls existing between us, our breaths harmonising, our gazes still fierce, your smiles still bright, the nature still wild like it cheered for us to sin, our emotions bly me they were having the front row table to our romance

Mi amor… I hereby truly surrender and devote myself to you.

Mi amor, I pulled you, you were weighing feathers, met on the top step, magical it was amor…

Our tears did not taste bitter this time, mi amor, I am still slain by your beauty…

Your lips fell on mine as mine dissolved in yours, you took the surrender mi amor, you finally took it, our bodies electrified, burning, dissolving, melting into each other slain in each others devotion mi amor, you taste had it’s own pedestal way above ours, si amor, your taste was the food my eternal soul needed and yearned throughout every life span.

You words between each kiss felt like the bricks laying to the castle we started to build on the pedestal, mi amor, you were featherweight on my soul, you had me naked before even moving a piece of cloth that was on me, you lay upon me knowing we were meant to be. “Your lips, your hair, your skin, you breath” you mumbled as you lay rest upon me as I lay on the wall. Amor you are the treasure I still hide from this world but some days I have to shine a little light through, the one that doesn’t burn us but the ones that let our sin live longer around the world.

Mi amor, my puchki, my misty dohi, my rasmalai, my squishy plushy, my masaiha, my gem, my soul, my Gulab jamun, my malai, I wanted to eat you then and there alive as you lay upon me with your eyes all teary, messy, sweaty, your lips still drooling, you just grabbed my hand and let me graze your head.
Listen to me, amor. I would absolutely stuff you in a suitcase and lock you into it forever and carry you around with me if I could, you flippin baby.

Amor you were safest I have ever been, I wanted you more, my gaze was begging you for it, yet you stayed still making the embrace stronger between our souls than our skin.

“Mi amor, the soul you are” you whispered, my eyes even softer, grazing your soul now, I was beyond your skin amor, you let me touch your soul, and it was the most god awfully beautiful experience I have ever dared to live through. Mi amor, you knew but wanted to shut my mind off now, you calmed me by staying on me, your words spoken still engraved in my world, I calmed down, my hands swayed even slower, now I wasn’t inching it was so slow I could see the moon light pass us like street lights through a car window, you made me at rest, rest was never my mind’s language but it learnt it for you mi amor…

“Quite a Ferrell gentlemen you are” as you laughed and sighed as your heads lay rest against my stomach, your voice muffled “a softie you are.”

Yes, mi amor I still am.

My puchki, I fucking miss you.

“We sinned amor” yes we did my puchku, “I want to sin more” as I start to cry holding you tighter as I pick up your body up and push and lay rest myself upon you “mi amor” you whisper, “yes my love” as I could barely speak.

I was breaking mi amor and you knew it.

You held the embrace longer, you made sure every scar that I had disappeared that way from my world and you did it gracefully without an effort mi amor.

“You can have me amor, you can have my body I choose you to loose it to” as I cry my heart out and your embrace ever gracefully now divine and spiritual, “this would mean my first time choosing too” as you break down crying I couldn’t help but pull myself up and our embrace now holding onto each others lives like the only thing we had, our cries echoed through the walls, the rain gentle again, like it wanted to make sure the world heard us cry even if they never held a hand out to help us in our ruins, the clouds now silent in remorse, the wind gentle as an embrace, the birds witnessing through the branches, we were broken before but now we were whole mi amor… we were whole…

Amor why were we crying and laughing again? Oi did you know amor the downstairs people were slowly opening their door as I could hear their metal door frame creek that shit needed some oiling but how would you? You were lost in my eyes

Amor… mi amor…

We were starting to set things ablaze around us

So was our souls

Our gazes are yet with the same softness

Mi amor we wanted to devour each other, we wanted love, we cherished sin, we ruled sin amor

“Mai hoon na” with your voice cracking, hands tracing me wholly, “pata hai” as I laughed my heart out joy, my hands squishing your face, you remove your hands hold mind and kiss them. We lay rest against the wall away from each other our gazes still locked.

Amor… we were sinners and we shall be for eternity

As we steady ourself, “amor I am yours and your mine” as you leave a sigh knowing we were at the altar to begin the sacrificial ritual, our sacrificial ritual amor.
Our clothes now a little less damp, the clouds roaring, the lightning feared we might strike it back this time, the rain louder than ever, the wind still, the ground beneath us cold and warm, our hands reaching out, our souls mingled before our skin dared amor.

“I love you, I need you, I choose you and you choose me…”

Your tone amor… it was different… why do you we keep growing into each other soo much as each moment passed? Why did you have to be this good, mi amor?

“Mhmmm a sin” I say with a nod and smile across my face as I trace your face…

“Go for it please, I want to surrender” I begged, “amor we both surrendered today” with grace. A grace in our sin.

Our eyes spoke the answer amor, our eyes spoke…

You lean forwards on me tracing your hands across me, the euphoria of being my first safe choice to sin rushing through my veins, I lost it amor, you waited for this all along, we both lost it, your traces, your touches, my arches, my calling, we were not lost rather found each other again where we were destined to be.

Our clothes, amor, we threw them, as we laughed our souls out, our tears still rushing.

Is this how magical first choices feel?

Amor, your beauty made me blush, you leaned forward to meet my gaze and pulled my face toward you, “blooming beauty you are amor” as your smile even more loving…
Amor our emotions weren’t being labelled anything else after this moment than just love. A sinful love. The eternal one that changes your internal world across lifetimes.
I was still shy, blushing, amor, you guided my hands in love, nothing more could have I said could make it better, but again you led me to a pedestal, this time, confession as our souls were naked in our first confession, this time our skin was. And it felt even more euphoric and ever so sinfully right.

“I love you” I whisper, “I am loving you and will till my eternal breath ends” you whisper, as you held me embrace filled with love, the wind didn’t dare to touch our skin for knowing how fragile we were at that moment amor.

Love remember the pedestal?

Amor my gaze met yours again, this time I submit, I lay myself in the alter as I walk through the pastures for you to take me as whole, and you did mi amor, your fierce yet gentle righteousness danced with my heat, “I am yours” as I kneel, “let me first” as you yield on your knees, your love rushed me to the wall behind us, as I heated I blossom for you, your hands travel through each mark I wanted you to witness, as you grew closer to my blossom I unravelled myself under your tenderness filled with ownership of my sacrificial blossom, I grazes my hands through the pastures that were dissolving in my blossom, euphoria only you could witness, my strength grew and weakened as you were writing me piece by piece as if you knew the scriptures to the heaven and hell underneath my skin.

Your tenderness made me scream through the garden of Eden calling this emergence of our worlds to collide wholly as I hold my shiver, your tenderness carved it’s path through my soul all the way across the valleys and hills to meet at the garden of Eden to commit the sin that was spoken by our souls before even our skins could witness, we stand at the centre of Eden our tenderness poising each other, our paths carving each others vessels, I yield under your sheer might mi amor, I yield as I melt in your love, how could I witness my own blossom through your tenderness meeting mine, heat rising through, melting me onto your frame. As I call upon the castles to let the doors fall, I hear you whisper travel through every path you carved for this vessel, you melted onto my soul mi amor, I couldn’t accept this yield yet, as I raise your kingdom's name higher than mine to raise you from your knees to meet me at the pedestal, mi amor…

I had to call in my soul to have the strength to withstand your might as I pushed your vessel against the bushes of the garden, as you lay rest your strength between my blossom and vessel, I adore the rush that I could meet with my tenderness, as I unravelled my tenderness on your rush I could help but witness my blossom and our vessels melting like almost infusing into each other, I write you now piece by piece, I hear your call a beauty it danced in echos through the garden, you held my tenderness from beneath and forth as I couldn’t help but let the chains loose of this tenderness and learned to not just write anymore but to grow through your rush as I sank myself deep into it’s grasses where my tenderness learned to stay rest. Your strength held my vessel, your hold laying my tenderness rest, your rush throbbing you knew your shiver, as you withhold the shiver, let your strength fall around me, your holds raise me up from the grass I was laying rest upon, my tenderness raised with the due that settled in the grasslands now melting as I couldn’t resits but trace your vessels up, leaving my trail this time as the dew melting off, our tenderness met each other both melting now infusing each other with the poise and fruits of each others in the midst of this garden, our blossoms learning to bloom into each other as our tenderness were poising each other, our strength were collapsing as our blossoms kept of kissing each other melting our vessels our strength didn’t see this coming.

Our holds now continue on their voyage to carve paths on each other's castle, the journey so mesmerising we stood at each other's castle’s gates tracing, carving, sinking, calling. I pulled my vessel around to make you call upon the doors with your tenderness, as I lay you to sink beneath the gates of my heaven and hell you lay your tenderness beneath them, as you call upon I announced the gates to still stay shut so I could feel what being kissed by your tenderness felt like, you kissing the midst of the gates, your calls felt like they were seeping into the doors, poising them within to weaken, so were they weakening as they couldn’t withhold against the sheer might of your love, you tendering my blossom with a gentle hold as you kept on poising the doors, I herby call upon your world to enter mine, but your made sure the gates were not just poised but shattered into a billion pieces, as I wanted you to do so, your calls growing, my gates trembling, my blossom now budding into the night, I danced with my holds lifting you up to announce you were the only rightful owner who could have ever opened these gates around Eden, no one else stood the might to make these gates fall like you did mi amor, you rose up as I see the doors of my castle shatter the chains and fall upon thy to let you conquer my kingdom, heaven and hell couldn’t come this close to being underneath my skin as you were living in it now, your rush withholding itself at the fallen gates, grazing the poise you spread across, i couldn’t withhold myself from unravelling my hold around you and I called upon you again to enter as you have me as whole mi amor, rightfully as I choose you and you choose me. I pleaded as everything trembled, everything now knew your presence was meant to be, your first hold across my shoulders as a I got honoured into your embrace your second hold now waking up my blossom from it’s short met slumber, your rush now here by enters through my soul, as I scream you name to be etched on the walls of this castle for eternity, you decide to grace me with your rush a presence felt through my kingdom I call upon your name over and over again, chivalry you were mi amor, you pace through the gates, the sheer might knew it had to parade around from the gates entrance to the castle back and forth, first it went rushing then gentle as my vessel trembled to call upon your name over and over again, mi amor you were everything to me, I surrendered in the grace I never saw coming, my gates never fell with tenderness like you made them mi amor, your hold now calling my tenderness to meet yours as I was surrendered we met with our tenderness again with grace, dignity and love of growing into each other, your rush not rushing now flowing, your hold now sailing through my vessel as your hold held me at my meadows, I couldn’t help but fall in front as I held onto the walls of the castle, now I screamed my voice traveled through the meadows, hills, across Eden for you to grow your blossom faster underneath my skin, you did with grace mi amor, we both called each other across our worlds as they now collided with love, my strength now giving up under the sheer might of your rush, my strength now curving, my gates trembling, and your blossom rushing like the charging chivalry you were, I call upon you again mi amor, pleading your shivers to not withhold anymore, as you release yourself in my world i sink to the ocean bed under your warmth that covered my world, your vessel now laying rest on mine as i continue to sink into the warmth, your vessel now melting on mine, calling upon each other, I plead to stay, you stayed mi amor, we were melting onto each other. Your hold now growing through my vessel as your rush stayed gated inside my kingdom, your traces held me in an embrace I’ll never let go off my skin, you were living underneath my skin now mi amor. Your breath was the streams my kingdom yearned to witness as we continued to melt.

I turn my vessel around, to meet your gaze your stare right through, happy we were in the moment amor, safe we were, everything we had was love and love in each other mi amor.

Oh silly, you’re all tired? I get it being the chivalry is tiring but I won’t let go before I make your chivalry submit mi amor, I was Ferrell, your gaze knew, love was all I could feel.

You tenderness traces my vessels meadows, running back the path to meet my tenderness with yours again, I commanded now as my channel arches against the castle’s walls I plead in mercy to Cherish your blossom again, a moment of relief I saw across your face as you lay down in Eden again, oh your blossom was trembling as I whizzed my tenderness across it, your blossom could not rush it was tender too, yet I see you ever more at rest in the garden, merging into the grasslands, I write the scriptures again, underneath your skin, tender it was, piece by piece, it couldn’t even shiver this time, your hold traced my vessel, engraving your path on my nape, weaving my silk gently. As you blossom went to sleep, i feel your hold pulling my vessel up to meet your gaze, halfway through we meet again, this time I lay on your pastures as our blossoms meet, your tenderness grazing my silk, our hold on each others ledges, our second hold an embrace across our vessels, as our blossoms kept on meeting and falling upon each other, our rush came back in, your chivalry was ready to conquer again so were my gates welcoming them in honour.

As you lay in the garden, I decide to take my ledge on top of yours this time our gazes could stay with each other, my gates welcoming your chivalry, as my strength folds around your vessel, my channel arched against your strength, our gazes spoke love, our souls eternally melted into one, our skin unyielding, as I gather up courage my strength help me dance in the pastures where your blossom bloomed, it was rushing again, your chivalry was alive, our fires unite, you couldn’t hold yourself back mi amor, my hold pulled yours to embrace my vessel, your chivalry louder than ever before now were in love dancing through our own garden, I call upon your name as our gazes stayed growing into each others, your tenderness now tracing my nape, Weaving through my silk, as we keep calling each others names.

I loved every part of it amor, I embrace it.

We kept on calling each other while were melting, now my channel aching, I fall upon your strength as I loose mine, your vessel stuck to mine, your might pushes me to lay rest your strength now gone from beneath my channel, your vessel now sinking in mine, my gates wrecked trembling, screaming to withstand more of your might, your gaze knew what mine couldn’t speak, your tenderness across mine, you knew, you traced all the wonders on my vessel with your tenderness, as your chivalry went on to show it’s full might on my castles door, my kingdom trembling, my blossom couldn’t withhold it’s bloom, now it shivers as you march, I scream your name, my hold embracing your vessel, my whole buddy trembling, your breath now a storm over my vessel, I tremble, I call upon you as your chivalry now starts to tremble, my gaze spoke again this time your gaze witnessed and knew, your rush peaking, as you run across the doors leave them trembling, my vessel sinking, I gathered my last bit of strength showed you my might and hunger as I pushed your vessel ashore as I devour your blossom my hold across your ledges, my crown now sinking in the fields of your blossom, I learn not to dance but to Melt myself onto the whole garden, my hold didn’t dare to trace your blossom, it was meant for the crown to love. My crown now chocking on the blossoms sinking, melting, my hold now at the gates of your garden and the other on the gates of your castle, your doors opened to both, you call upon me as my crown sinks into your blossom devouring them.

I was fierce love.

my heat underneath my skin now burning through for your skin, your hold now fierce too, you held my crown as it was being placed where it was meant to be mi amor, my crown now scratching, hold firm holding my crown, your other hold on my name, your blossom Rushing, trembling, your calling echoes through the walls, I was devouring mi amor, your shivers now all warm, as you trembled, your strength curled, your hold the fiercest it has ever been.

I loved it amor, I still yearn for it again.

Vault now sinking in your warmth, your chivalry trembling, my crown owning it’s place and embracing itself your hold loosing each passing second, I still meet your blossom with my tenderness as i sink in it’s warmth, so much so of it now it’s spanning from my vault to being spread across my vessel, your love on mine, I let the warmth sink into my vault as your offering to my kingdom, the warmth over my vessel now met with your tenderness as your strength gave up, your tenderness across my warmth, you loved my vessel first underneath my skin now living through my skin.

We were not over yet mi amor we had just learnt what conquering each other meant now.

Our gazes met as we melt, you knew amor we are fierce and irresistible of each other now, now was your turn to Cherish the warmth you looked from my vessel, your sheer might pushed me against the wall I surrender mi amor, I lay strength free, your hold underneath my strength possessing my ledges, your crown and tenderness meet my blossom as it was trembling again, this time we were one amor, my skin, my soul, my world knew you and now meant for you, you sink in the fields devouring my blossom as my channel now arched, your hold still firm, my blossoms traced and engraved your vault, your crown sinking, your tenderness in harmony over my blossom, I was blooming amor, your hold spoke more than your gaze this time, your gaze now a ghost, my channel continued to arch, my vessel trembling, I cried your name out loud over and over, your heat rising, our skin melting now starting to become one, I watch our souls leave our bodies amor, they were in awe of our beauty, their eyes spoke the history of Eden,

Our Eden, mi amor…

I call upon your name trembling amor, we were soaked in each others oceans, my strength wrapped around your vessel, you submit, your crown sinking, your vault kissing my blossom, your tenderness meeting the depths of this garden, now your crown held, my hold firm, my vessel trembling, my shiver coming through like the charge your chivalry engraved into my world, my ledges shift, strength now squeezing your vessel, hold the firmest it had even been on your crown, you vault now just tipped my blossom and the shivers left my body soulless as offerings enrich you, I’m breathless amor but you held, you sank, you wholly indulged in my offerings, my hold loose weaving your silk, your crown in harmony with tenderness marked with my offerings your vault overflowing, our gazes meet, but I still have a surprise for you, your blessing were still all over my vault and crown, we pull our vessels closer again to meet our tenderness, we just shared our blessing across, half devoured but still enough to be Ferrell, in love, and free.

Amor I begged, I wanted to submit again, we burst out laughing, our laughs dancing through the walls were our calling were last seen, “oh you are one” as your whites punishing your tenderness.

We never wanted it to end…

Your hold now grabbing my ledges tossing my vessel around, my blossom now meeting the garden, your vessel now on mine, my strength spread, my gate calling upon your chivalry, your hunger now didn’t grow through my skin, we were merging into one, your heat now scorching as you enter the gates.

Ruthless you were, and I loved every part of it.

My breath now breathless, my vessel heating, my kingdom trying to consume your chivalry.

We were hungry, amor, is this how safe and free love feels?

You did not leave a word escape your vault only syllables that barely touched the walls, you brought every emotion since the time I fell for you, your chivalry had it’s own rhythm, i was begging for your chivalry to never stop it’s rhythm as it had it’s own language of speaking to my world, I surrender, my soul left my body, my blossom pinned to the garden now rushing, our chivalry were in harmony now amor, we were writing scriptures now amor, we changed the history mi amor, we owned the garden of Eden now amor, our shivers at the edge, our heat scorching the garden we layed upon, our breaths storms in harmony, our vessels couldn’t withstand what we had growing inside us, like this love wasn’t meant for a moment, it was lived through history over and over again mi amor, we were the ones, our shivers now in harmony off the edge, amor I cried as you collapsed your vessel on mine, your weight, our battle, our love, we were everything in one now, not underneath or through but now one skin. We were trembling and drained, crying, as our holds now calling us to embrace so we did as you slid over, our tenderness now fragile and trembling, we were soaked in each others worlds amor, we were one. Crying we grazed each others heads, “love you’s” we kissed each other with, our embrace in love, our breaths wanting to stop our hearts, we were soo done amor, this was love by choice, by freedom, by Us, by accepting ourselves, by reaching beyond the worlds walls that was keeping us apart, we made it through mi amor.

mi amor i may have lost myself multiple times writing this, forgive me…

I have fallen off the pedestal you placed me upon amor…

And there so much so i can do is not yield and do my best to crawl all the way back up, I hope you understand amor…

I don’t want to write about it anymore amor…

But i have to, because too many things have ended in awfully beautiful unfinished tragedies, i do have the power to end this one and not let the cycle repeat mi amor.

This is taking back control from what pulled us apart… for us mi amor.

for us… mi amor…

As we lay in each other's embrace we see our traces now melt into the dark, the rain now silent, the wind at bay, the tree now done with hiding us apart, the sun left the place early, I think we scared it amor…
The skies above blend in tones of dusk, our worlds now one.
We held each other in love, we knew our time was up becoming one, but our souls now have changed history… no our souls just shed a little light on what had already been existing through history.
“Raat ho rahi, par merko ghar nahi Jana, tere pass rehna hai merko” my tears coming back, as I lay upon him ( it’s turning into night, but I don’t want to go home, I want you stay with you ), “ham dono hai ek durse ke Sath, mat Dar, sabh Sahi ho jaeyga, Mai hoon na, aur ab hm dono mil chuke hai” ( we both are there together, don’t fear, everything will be alright, I am here, and we both met ) as he wiped my tears, tender kisses across my face as I weep, I hold him, weeping, he makes me feel safe again, “koi na meri jaan” ( it’s ok my love ) as he wipes my tear now holding my face, his gaze holds me in love, I nod, I couldn’t speak anymore,

amor I can’t type help me.

You take your handkerchief and pat me dry, our clothes across the steps like a story they spoke, history screaming through them, you gently lay me against the wall and pick our clothes up, my hands reaching out to you amor…

please help me write this love. I fucking miss you.

My hands reaching out, I couldn’t do it without your embrace amor, I needed you, as I start to weep louder you pace towards me, saving me again, I wanted you to save me forever, maybe our souls were saved in our world which were one now. But our skins being one I still needed you more. You graze my hair, hold my back, your face as soft now blooming onto mine.

fuck amor I wanted us to be like this every time and maybe we still are.

As my weeps go silent you wipe my face again, our gazes spoke, our breaths now didn’t dare to escape, a gentle kiss we leaned into, we laughed, was I healed amor? I think so, because everything kept going quiet, I could shut off knowing I was in your holds, safe.

Your pick me up against the wall, our legs now regaining their strength, our spines now could channel themselves, our tender lips tainted forever, our skin still one. We laughed as it echoed through the walls again, a hold again, I’ll never forget it amor…
My weeps still lingered, you gently dress me up, as my hands couldn’t bare the weight to hide your skin, you held my hands and lifted me again, you dressed us up, checking my clothes like I was your little baby boy “your tidy and now ready my baby boy” a smile still held, I blushed, “yes my love” as I laugh away, we both stand there, our gazes now tracing the marks we engraved, our hands held, “ab hm chaley?” ( shall we go now? ) you asked as your voice broke, your eyes spoke it begged for us to stay, “oki we can make a move “ as I was scared myself now, my voice held a little more longing and fear, we pushed through and took our steps down, the people in the building I guess they just didn’t want to ruin our moments all doors shut but the lights were on, I think they marked to be our witnesses, silent but enough and right, safe we felt. Our hands holding each other, we step down carefully, our bodies were really exhausted and we were trembling our way down. As we reached the ground floor, I look upto amor and lean onto him as we continue to walk. Our paths? We didn’t discuss just took our steps like destiny had it written all along.

As a random weep or two slipped up from me, mi amor you embrace grew stronger, making sure I was still safe, you point as the lights, telling me how you saw streaks beaming from this, I notice the same, us in awe, we chuckle as we witnessed a miracle, little rainbows around the street lights our gazes wide open, our pace held us along more, as if it destiny truly wanted us to witness the beauty we could see, rain drops falling off trees on our shoulders like rain cheering us up what we made it believe, we Dodge puddles on our toes, our hands still held, we danced, laughed, the flowers around the bushes along a few left before they went into their slumber, “I fear flowers, someone who used to take care of me young used to scare me with flowers” as I look into his eyes begging me to free from this curse too, “come” amor held my hands we lean towards the beautiful flowers gently reaching, my hand trembled, amor now behind me, like he used his whole to embrace me, with both hands now guiding mine, as we graze the flowers “see they don’t bite, and are as soft as you” as his chin was on my shoulders, I blushed and bumped him, laughing our hearts out, he goes around me on his toes, held my arm, pulled me close as I fall into a lean, embraced. We continue our steps, now even tho we were one in skin, I was still shy holding his hands, I slowed my pace, “what happened?” His other arm reaching for an embrace, I hold it “let me hold it like this please” I had a serious look on my face and I was blushing hard, he laughed “yes baby for sure” now for the first time our fingers were intertwined my grip felt it through, firm and loose, my thumbs tracing his hand, he looks at me as I was just starting at our hands, I felt a lean, I look up and his fucking wild smile, “mhmm” as he bends to match my gaze, I turned away blushing “what?” My tone firm, him laughing, I got a little tempered while our fingers were intertwined I pushed myself onto him and leaned a little harder and scruffed at him, his laugh was so fucking pretty everytime I heard it, it was music my ears longed for and my heart could dance to, our steps continue, we continued to speak about what we were in terms of our sexuality, we discussed opinions, we were talking what we liked about what we just had, what we wanted more, our discussions shifted as we hit a turn, our eyes wide scanning houses to point to who were decorated well, light here and there we point our hands were as confused as much as our eyes way too many options to choose from, our gazes meet again, we laugh and say “everything?” His tone excited “mhmm everything” we laughed.

Oh my fucking kuchupuchu, puchki i miss you.

We step forward as we share our likes and dislikes, laughters now getting mingled with the evening crowd, cars and bikes passing by us dilly dallying on our toes around puddles, pointing at beautiful houses, rings and streaks around lights, we discussed our plan for our next meet, “hey you know next time we hangout we will go outside these walls and enjoy something to eat and roam around more” as he placed his plans across my path “yes yes yes and and we won’t be doing such freaky stuff and we will actually spend more time walking around and oh I remember I’ll show the games cd I have played since years, we will pick up from a different location too” my excitement rushing, our bond now transcending beyond space and time, we discussed about our favourite foods, the toys we used to play with, the technology that we owned, the things that were coming, movies, music as so so much more.

Amor you fucking puchki if I find you again I’m gonna interrogating your ass and force feed you information about how fucking lonely it has been without you.

As our steps continued I knew something happened in me I took your arm and bit it gently, I remember you said “hold it like that” I was like “mhmm” ow I could taste the rain, the mud and the detergent off that thing now but I couldn’t be bothered as my teeth tried to sink into your arms, laughing our minds off as i had tears flowing.

Amor, we didn’t know did we? I guess it’s good we didn’t.

As were passing through turns I heard someone call your name, I tugged you and your pace now racing, we knew someone recognised you, i match your pace now we rush across the street and take hasty turns, we were back to square one. Our pace slowed, i noticed a few familiar gazes from the day earlier. I tug you, “amor it’s not safe here too, those people I told you about and here and quite a few of them” as I turned my body in direction of each, “Mai hoon na” you whisper a smile now my shield and courage I carry it across like I am an knight wearing an armour, one of them spotted us and gave me the look I knew if we stayed close here it would mean him to also getting involved in my mess, “amor see that bench on the other side we meet there tomorrow okay? But we gotta go now please love they won’t spare you too trust me” your gaze concerned for my safety, you push me across the path and walk me to the other end of the exit made sure I could now run home, our gazes held our worlds still one, “see you soon love, reach home safely, I’ll meet you there tomorrow” assured with both his hand and a last gentle graze over my head, a quick head kiss, our paths now as destiny led, I ran a little slow just enough to see him make it across back through the park safe, he turned around to make sure i was gone, our gazes held, kisses blew in air, laughters fill the sky like a victory parade through the valley of death. We turn and run our ways as our gazes pushed our necks to the limit.

Personal note for amor.

Alo my love, i miss you, hope the world didn’t be harsh to you anymore, i hope everything you desired has aligned in your way and i hope your still soft, whimsical and loving as you were. I am writing this because they say people’s dna leaves no trace in your body after 10 years, so as the time has come, I wanted you to be engraved in every form that exists in this world and if my body doesn’t remember it, my soul will and so will others who dares to witness it and carry our history along. Well, for me, I have been on both ends of extreme, they still hurt me after you but i didn't get that hurt anymore i carried that softness hidden from the world, i grew harsher and louder but also quite and distant but amor you know I told you about my friends? Guess what? i got some cool ones along the way, they all have a piece of you in them, they love me and care for me in their own lovely ways and i cant comprehend how luck i am to have them besides me love, i have known two for almost over 2 decades now, they are my soft safe spaces and they are soo cool human in their own unique ways you cant even imagine, i wish you could meet them and i wish they witnessed you, met a few more along the way, they dont try to erase who i am, they are safe, well I know i know amor you’re probally grumbling about what you taught me, yes i dont compare them, i never did, and i don’t want to. You taught me individuality and the beauty of it, you taught me love was never what you gave me but what I choose to feel from you… Back then i couldn’t comprehend a part about this but today i do love, today i do… well as for the pedastal you put me on love I am honestly way below it, that pedastal now looks like a horizon im trying to chase and it feels like an impossible dream to achieve, only so much so of me is left that i can breath and survive, yeah love it’s still that bad, but hey i am working on it with everything i got in me, thanks to your existence and those friends i have around me, i have been working on myself in every single aspect to be a better human as you taught me, but to be honest amor, i have lost a few things forever in my life and one of them being you and yes i miss you and i crave for you love, when it comes to other things about myself well im hollowed out amor, they say “one day you will realize that the body you live in will change, the world won’t look at you with the same way it did, desire fades…” it stands true now amor, im growing up older im just 25 but i think i destroyed myself well enough to be a shell shock for many. What happened between us amor was special, people go their whole lives without experiencing it? Can you imagine that? People go through life guarding themselves, they hide from the pain, but us love? we allowed ourselves to be one even tho we knew what it would happen if it didn’t last, but isn’t that a beauty in itself that what we got to experience? well it is but does hurt amor and i cannot help but stay hurt, i know i know your still tilting your head and giving me a stare, i know love begins and ends with each of us individually and how we learn to love people for who they are as an individual person and not comparing but amor, i dont want anyone else except you? i chase the pedastal you put me upon wondering if i reach there maybe then just maybe i’ll be someone who i can look in the mirror and love one day… and yes i know your just concerned love but thats me today after all the things destiny took us through. I thought i wont see it past a few years ago and before that a year and a year before that too after we were taken our ways… it’s human of us right amor? you just got a jist of what im trying to say right love… yeah that’s what i’m talking about… amor you know i wish we had more time, or even if destiny aligns us again maybe we cross paths and sit under a roof top and maybe catch up and do the things we promissed each other to do… It does get lonely amor, it does… im not hiding from the pain anymore love, but it’s too much that i have been numbed out and emotionally unavailable for years, thanks to my friends i get to feel a little time to time but there is still so much more i don’t know will i be capable of loving and being loved anymore amor. A decent two-storied house, beautiful windows, a balcony filled with our favourite flowers, a house that we would decorate for every festival, a house where only our laughs echo and our tears not bitter staining the walls, a house where we loved each other… that was our dream amor that was it and i guess destiny had its own plans but it showed me what i ever truly wanted was a human besides me to love and feel loved with… thats the most beautiful realisation and revelation i ever had amor… but it was meant for you not any other and now since you’re not here i dont want to chase that house, i dont want to chase this dream where you dont exist. yeah you know i am fatigued love but im still crawling if not walking one moment at a time. but oi you fucker as promised it took me a long ass time writing this piece and I hid everything that you made me promise to never talk about and i hope you shed some bloody sweet tears and realised when i broke down after every para i wrote. It was the most beautiful thing i ever lived amor and now its engraved if not in my body in places where we never expected ourselves to seen. Amor do you knoww? the place where we had our coffee? they shut their shop that year itself, the flowers that bloomed along the wall also don’t seem to exist anymore, the houses onces we adored now all modernesk bland and hollow, the parks well the removed the fountain sadly and no more cool things, but they added more swings a public gym and what not, they still suck when it comes to security tho lol, the shop still there, some of our faviourt shops? some people just grew too old love, i miss them. Whenever I walk past those places i always slow my pace just to feel you along with me, the tree? remeber the big one which sheltered us? they broke most of its branches that leaned in… they really do hate nature you were right amor… also hey i got a cycle just to roam around the colony back then i visited the same places the same road back and forth for hours daily they still met me they still harmed me but i didn’t stop looking for you love, i slowed my pace in every alley, every turn i turned my heads across the empty roads scanned every park for you, untill one day when i got taken away by other issues in life, yeah that person they didnt leave me till 2023 but guess what amor, you taught me i had a way, and there is always a way and guess what there wassss! so i used it and to my surprise it worked love? i never felt that strong before but i missed telling you how I won and I still do. but also do you know i have won many battles till now many cool ones i told you im fighting and ill continue to win them all even if my memory is what is left to people one day. but i shall win amor.

You know I knew I needed you when all the things disappeared from within me and when it was all healed and safe and soft i wanted you, i told you amor, i cried about it and you said you’ll be there but you aren’t… i can’t bring myself to hate you amor, this time i dont even hate me, i hate destiny cause that fucker really did us dirty… and the people who you told me about… you were the one i need amor. you were the light all along…

i still have to move without you, right? But I won't chase that dream amor, I can’t! I just can’t… wish you were here, love. miss you, my ras malai, abe o chikne mere bina coke ki bottle mat kholiyo… fuckin miss you.

Love, gulab jamun.

I know they did not listen to you.
I know they turned away their heads when you pleaded for your life.
I know they never hugged you.
I know they never gently grazed their hands across your hair.
I know they never loved you for you.
I know they used you as a rugged up tropy to gain sympathy.
I know they stole your safe space.
I know they made you cut off your friends.
I know they made you exist with your fears.
I know they knew what happened to you.
I know they robbed your childhood.
I know they robbed your teenage.
I know they robbed your Early adulthood.
I know they all bet against you.
I know they were all jealous because you smiled despite the odds.
I know you still saw their pain.
I know you kept your mouth shut so they could smile.
I know you let it happen so you wouldn’t scream that it hurt.
I know you let it happen because you would have died if you cried.
I know you let it happen because you couldn’t escape.
I know you let it happen because no one dared to save you.
I know you hate it.
I know you hate everyone.
I know the void growing large inside you.
I know the hands that still grip you.
I feel the skin that left scars you.
They exist in us.
They exist in every friend you see.
They exist in every turn you take.
They exist all around you.
I know you want to burn it all down.
I know you want to rip apart yourself so you could stop feeling a thing.
I know you want it end it not because you can’t take it anymore but you hate how you feel.
I know you hate it how you think people will never touch you.
I know they hate the strays like Us. used, thrown, ripped apart.
I know they hate to talk to us because of the void we are.
I know they do it just to make sure we don't fade.
I know some of them truly care. But we can’t feel it.
I know we can never open up about how dead we are.
I know how we can never feel any emotion truly with depth.
I know how vulnerable we are when we even just breath.
I know how vulnerable we are when we even talk.
I know how much you hate it when they see through us.
I know how much you yearn to be held again right.
I know how much you yearn to serve one till the last.
I know how much you want to be served with just love till the last.
I know how you are afraid you will become them.
I know how much you hate to speak because you fear your voice might give it up.
I know how much you’ll love to be free.
I know how they hurt you in every possible way.
I know how they still hold grudges against you.
I know how they still want to use you.
I know how they still want to rip even the bits that's left of us.
I know there are more waiting to feast upon us.
I know even the slight nudge feels like their weight falling upon you.
I know your own breath feels like theirs when you lay down.
I know you just don't want to feel wrong but always safe.
I know you have it all but do nothing about it.
I know how you want to run but without lifting your feet so they cannot hear.
I know how paranoid you are about people looking at you, as if they were them staring through you.
I know how much you want to exist.
I know you.
You are me.
And I am you.
I hope you know that, and I promise you I won’t yield.
And if I do, hope you don't mind it, cause it’s a lot.
But I still love you for you because of you.
And I hope you realise that one day.

Last week, I posted about the despair I was going through of missing what I knew was love. The days that followed carried a cold, heavy sense of my body and mind aching to realise something.

I wanted to know the “Why” behind it. So I sat down with a cup of coffee, it’s 4 am, and I searched the web, be it using GPT as the therapist scapegoat, the online forms filled with hopeless romantics sharing their bits of love to the world or the diabolical social media algorithm knowing what to send when truly in need to your feed.

I stumbled across many views in the past few days that might have altered the way I picture romantic relationships, be it not just noticing the small things but also now acknowledging them, be it not making your world theirs but rather being your own and never letting go of it. There were many more things I could dive deep into a spiral, trying to comprehend about and sure that shows the way I looked at things was way different, and I know learning is a constant.

But amid all stands one thing true despite all the noise.

Being Human.

And let me explain why…

So as I was reflecting on: “why do I still miss them?”

I read somewhere we are not wrong or broken for missing or wanting what kind of love we had, and it's not bad to hold onto those feelings of how they made us feel to the depth, that's nothing wrong. It’s just our nervous system remembering what it felt like to be loved. So it's normal for our body and mind to hold it close and want to return to it.

And as it continues to linger in your mind, if not today, tomorrow, or whenever i want you to know: Your a human, and you just have not given up on something that felt like home and its holy in itself despite the pain it caused, you still are working on a way to fix it and becoming the right one.

Missing someone who hurt you doesn’t make you wrong; it makes you human.

Your memory is not betraying you; it's remembering the parts where you felt safe, held, and seen. That does not mean you want them back.

It just means your body remembers what it felt like to be loved or at least, what felt like love that time.

This memory fades slowly, but forcing it won't help. You don't have to rush it, you're not broken for still having emotions for someone who did not know how to treat you right, but now you're becoming someone who does.

Until then, let the memory come and go, it's not there to drag you down, it's just a part of your becoming.

It’s ok to be a human and have emotions.

2013 December, 6:00 PM, Mettupalayam Station.

There I witnessed her standing, waiting for the same train.

As we briefly glanced at each other, we exchanged a smile, A smile with those eyes I had never witnessed before.

The train was running late, like it was on our side, destined for us to share more glances and pass more smiles in the restless crowd awaiting a journey that would be life-altering for some.

The train horn blows a mile away as we felt the tracks rumbling beneath our feet, as the train approaches, the rumbling got louder for everyone but I felt the softness and warmth of her eyes, wide open, staring right into my soul, holding me tight.

we briefly had to break the visual contact as the train stood and our hands were pulled away as we had to board but something connected like a tight string holding onto the moment like a young boy never witnessed before.

As we boarded, I witnessed her again, the way she turned her head left and right searching for her seat number, the flamboyance of her straight long hair just flaring in the air, the rush of the unrest in the crowd.

I felt something that moment, knowing I wanted to scream at her, letting her and everyone know I am there, but I got pushed and pulled within the crowd rushing in.

As I found my seat and came to know this time again it’s the window seat, I drowned in sorrow like never before, knowing well who I wanted to adore this journey, I just yearned to be held again through her eyes.

So it happened again, as I saw over the tall seats, She was looking around for someone and I pretended to adjust my seat to grab her attention and there our eyes held again, witnessing each other glowing with the high of knowing each other's presence.

Well, the 13-year-old me got shy and sat down not knowing what was this rush he felt at the moment.

Pulled out my walkman and started jamming to songs, the only two songs I was switching back n forth following those moments were Stero Love by Edward Maya and As long as you love me by Backstreet boys.

The rush of rushes kept my heart pumping louder than the sound of the train carriage, that high made me sit as straight up as possible just so I could witness her once more.

She turned back with the emotions just growing stronger and we could not let go of each other's sights, as her eyes dropped, I wanted to jump from my seat and run towards her and just hold her for eternity giving her the warmth of being held 10 folds back.

But sadly her parents started getting agitated by her turning back every now and then as she was sitting between them.

Oh how her eyes dropped made me wanted to set the world on fire so she should be free of those chains, but seeing the challenge ahead, I silently slid down my seat, well knowing I cannot mess this one up in life.

I lay low for a few minutes, hoping the heat would dissipate around us.

But the courage within me lit up and I stood up and looked for her but this time her eyes were crying for help yet I could do nothing.

My eye could not bear the weight of those teary eyes, my eyes frowned with the fear and pain she carried in those moments, I yearned to look at her properly once more but she did not but I could not stop myself just getting up to check over and over again as I saw her head bowed down with heft of those shackels around her neck.

I just laid back into the seat with my head against the window, I wanted to scream for her, fight for her but it was too internally chaotic I could not comprehend to find a way. as the sun settled I saw a reflect of my own eyes in the window getting faded as small light posts we passed along the way.

I looked at my mp3 with the numbness of my heart scrolling till I hit another song: Mirrors by Justin Timberlake.

I slipped into that numbing slumber, as a we were half way through the trip the song had repeated more times than I could even count, I was burning as I could hear the rumbling of the train carriage rolling through the tracks.

With the burning hope I mustered up all my courage to look up again to check if she still there, as her parents were busy and she was restless looking back and we clicked again.

This time as we clicked I saw the yearning in her eyes too, that thread that held us from the moment we got in set on fire wanting still holding on strong. the weight of my shoulders dropped as I saw her light up again and we both laughed and chuckled.

I saw her eyes signaling something I was just so lost and confused she laughed and I'm stuck in this awe and a blank state of trying to make out what she meant but the foolish me just kept adoring that soul.

She got up and walked down the aisle as her eyes sparkled and she laughed.

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!

I was blushing way too much.

I was red as any red could ever be.

I could legally label myself the color red at that point.

Ohhh this rush.

The silly me continued overstimulated by her gaze just foolishly scrolling through my mp3 songs like I never could ever run my fingers that fast and I landed on a song: This moment by Pitbull.

I can’t comprehend 11 years later how overwhelmed I was back then.

I was looking back and anticipating her walking back down the aisle and she did, but halfway through she signaled me to come with her.

I nodded with the biggest smile ever.

She stopped right then and there a glow on her face lit up so bright it blinded me again like my vision just gets healed every moment to get blinded by her again.

I dropped my mp3 player and as I stood up from my seat, by the moment I put my next foot on the ground to move I could not feel my own weight.

I saw her waiting at the door with a smile even more prettier than before, I never felt that light walking down the aisle ever in my life. as I approached her we pulled each other to a side so this time no shackel could be put upon us.

We were so close I could feel her heartbeat and her breath ease and tense up every second.

We both laughed, We had tears running down our faces and she gently wiped them away with her beige sweater and so did I with my bare hands.

As we both were staring into each others eyes so deeply I could sense being held with the warmth growing so calm, the flames around us raging like we were meant to be sacred for eternity.

Her soul had such a strong gravitational pull that I could not feel the rumbling of the train, clanking of the track changing at high speed, the train’s wobble all just faded away.

My heart skipped a beat, No it skipped the damn section of the song, No! it skipped the whole bloody music track, I stood calm and continued to stare deep into those black eyes I could see a billion infinities just blooming, I felt like I saw everything.

We both started breath heavy as she held my hands and gently soothed them. She grabbed my right hand and put it on her waist and her left on mine, her grip got soo firm she wrapped her hands around me even tighter holding me as close as she could, so did I.

We both were rushing through emotions and loosing it, she arched and pushed herself against me like a swan, I held her tight as my left hand was gently grazing her face.

Oh the beauty she was inside out.

Time stopped

Things dropped

My specs were already in her pocket, everything around us went blurry but I could see her clearly, the level of clarity I ever needed in life.

We kissed like there was no tomorrow, pushed up against the wall like I was owned by her and rightfully so. we both were crying our hearts out silently, lost in each other we loosened up leaned on each other then tighly held each other to do it over and over again. It tasted like the food my soul yearned for centuries.

We eased up crying and laughing, and we went in for it again, cause why not?

We gently eased crying holding each other being safe in a moment of life where I felt I would never be safe, she was my first safe space, first enough to be my eternity, we did not let go and held each other and I could feel the weight of the emotions we both carried at that moment in life.

I never wanted anything else than those arms wrapped around me and her head on my chest against up the wall feeling safest I could ever be.

We went in for the last time but it was short and this time I could see her eyes spoke something that I never wanted to accept, it screamed an eternal bond being crucified for knowing this would never work.

I choose to reject and smiled with a light heart hoping just hoping one day or just the next moment we will fight it all.

We never spoke a word till yet, and I never felt that till I heard her voice say something which was too late when it happened.

We part ways as she rushed to the restroom and I just stood there for a minute still not accepting it was over. the rope burning had finally broken but I held it with everything I had in silence hoping just one day or next that I could pull her back.

I headed back to my seat in silence, not knowing I lived a moment that may never comeby again in life. as I sat down and laid back I saw walking down the aisle smiling again at me and I exchanged the same smile but hollow.

We both were hollow.

45mins to reach the final station, and those 45 minutes were the longest I have ever witnessed, We looked over at each other with the heaviness of knowing it could never be. We never wanted it to end.

I never felt desprate like this before not even when I went through the most gut churning trauma of my life, never like this before.

The final station arrived, we all deboarded the train and I dared to look back at her one last time, I saw her scream ‘bye’ and that moment I realised I never heard her voice before and I'm glad I did, cause it was one of the most blissful one I ever heard.

We both waved one last time, knowing it was over.

The truth was, I never let it be over from my end for years to come.

I selfishly held to those memories like anyone could ever, just Engraved into my soul.

When ever I went through a rough day of suffering at nights I would just wrap my hands around myself and could just feel her holding me at the end of the day.

Yes, It was selfish of me to not let go what was never meant to be.

It’s not like I yearned and did my best to find her again, be it scrolling through facebook in the early days for days on end just hoping I would find her face.

We never exchanged our names or numbers or photos, and over a decade later I think we did the right thing by not knowing too much.

But ending that night was nothing but me listening to Instant Crush by Daft punk as I could not resist shedding tears that one day.

Label it what you want, but the beauty of being held, seen, even tho I never thought anyone would love a ran through young man, she changed that perspective for eternity.

That was my teenage romance.

Tonight as I wheep I don't feel her beside me. but it was enough to make me stand up again and again irrespective of what I went through in life.

I hope if love finds anyone, it makes them feel as special as she made me feel, without any conditions or expectations, just existing was enough.

I hope when it comes back again, I’ll do everything to make it stay.