I almost wrote “today is my last day” but I feared I could made some people panic. But it is the truth. Today is my last day of being a twenty-seven years old and I am surprisingly, feeling normal.

Not exactly normal per se— if you define normal as a moment where you feel calm and just be.

I am somewhat tired today, still carry the excitement after watching the Conan Movie last night, combined with watching the newest episode of Going Seventeen in the morning before work.

However, I am also dead tired because I have been feeling stuck at some aspect of my work and when I felt stuck, I get tired way easily.

(To be honest, I think I slept like two times at my desk today.)

I start the day with mundane, routine-like activities. Except today, my older brother swung by to the house to take morning shower instead of evening shower.

Except today, my parents are not home so I exchanged greetings with my mother through WhatsApp. I found out she rode a boat to go to an island in Manado, which is exciting. My mother is not a fan of boats.

Except today also, I contacted my friends because some of them are going to visit my house tomorrow for a sleepover session. It is kind of exciting. I haven’t had a big sleepover in a while. Some of my friends stayed in when my parents are away, because I asked them and it made me feel less lonely.

But this one is different and I am really excited about it.

I think I inherit my mother’s love of hosting.

I love having people over at my house or my space. Even when I was in my old Griya LD kos, I would ask my friends to come over and spend time with me in my kosan. I remember some of my friends accept my offers. We did our assignment together and when it’s 1 AM, we watched Train to Busan together.

Another moment that I remember hosting is when my high school friends picked my house as the unofficial place to spend end-of-year get-together. We would play games in the TV, eat potluck dinner, and set fireworks.

One time however, it rained so hard that some of my friends stayed over. I prepared the beds for them but we ended up sleeping at the living room, all squished like sardines at the sofa. My mother got mad at me for not ushering them to rooms but I remember telling her that we got caught up with our late night talks. It was a memory that I found myself smiling fondly at.

In Madison as well, I always encourage people to visit my house. One time, my little brother and I hosted this kind of “end-of-year Indomie Night Time” where we plug in movies and cooked Indomie to friends.

My brother and I cleaned the house thoroughly in the morning, vacuuming and tidying up. He did the laundry and kitchen maintaining, while I go grocery shopping for some Indomie and things that you would add into an Indomie.

Also pisang goreng, I made that too. It’s my signature dish.

It was a fun event. I made my brother cooked the Indomie for our friends and I took their orders, while our friends watched Harry Potter in our TV, and chatted away munching pisang goreng and es teh manis. It was like the Apartment number 811 suddenly turned into a makeshift Warmindo.

My brothet and I took selfie and posted it in our family group chat, letting our parents know that we’re celebrating the last night of 2024 by hosting a small get together — and convincing mom that we too, can host.

I realized that many of my “fun” experiences are when I have other people with me — namely, people that I love spending time with it. In any shape or form.

It’s funny I feel like.

Since I used to be scared of other people, especially their perception of me.

When I was elementary school, 5th grade I think, I remember a friend of mine whispered while seething, “Ndin, do you know that so many people who know you actually hated you?”

And I remember running away from her.

I don’t remember the rest.

I don’t remember how I reacted. Did I cried? Did I imagined that my world crumbling all around me because I falsely thought people liked me for who I am? Did I convinced myself that no one will ever like me for being me? Did I imagined that people actually hated me, oh so deeply?

Probably.

I forgot how that ended. I remember carrying this bitter feeling and if there was a reconciliation, I don’t think it left a big mark in me.

Because that incident was repeated when I was in 6th grade.

It was a Bimbingan Konseling class. We passed around our notebook and wrote our friend’s pros and cons. And to my horror, I saw all of my classmates wrote me as “SKSD” — Sok Kenal Sok Dekat at my cons table. A girl I thought was my best friend also wrote that in my notebook. Another classmate even left the pros empty and wrote SKSD and “sombong”.

I remember staring at the table and feeling sick to my stomach.

I remember going quiet the whole day. I remember not wanting to talk to anyone from my class for a while.

I remember vividly the glances that some of my classmates gave me when I refused to see their eyes.

Out of anger? Probably.

Out of anxiety? Most likely.

I remember vividly when the thought that everyone secretly hated me and no one will ever accept me entered me — I was only 12 years old back then.

I wrote this experience in my self-analysis assignment in college and I remember my professor wrote down, “it was not your fault.” and I cried reading her comment.

I think those experiences shaped me a lot.

My mother used to tell me that I grew quieter after those incident. I knew that.

I had difficulties making friends in junior high school. I had problems talking about what I want and had a really bad case of anxiety whenever I was placed in social interactions.

I remember feeling like I want to run away and never return.

I was glad that I found friends in junior high school who told me that I was very warm and caring for them, even calling me Mom as a joke sometimes.

That continues until high school but I think I got better.

I was somewhat adopted by a couple of friends in high school, back then it was three boys and three girls stuck with me.

I had fun with them because they showed me how to laugh and how to stress out together and how being together, it was fun to just be ourselves. I treasured them a lot and the memories I have with them.

I used to say that college changed me a lot and I still think it does.

I joined several organizations and kepanitiaan in campus, originally, out of spite. I want to proof to someone that I am not an anti-social, miserable, introvert that they think I am. I was ready to prove them wrong.

However, I ended up gaining so many acquaintances and friends from it.

Heck, I even gained people that I can proudly say “my best friends from college”. I always said that is an amazing progress that I could make in life.

I gained confidence that I never thought I have and slowly overcame my fear to talk with other people.

My mother told me that I changed a lot during that time. She told me I became more cheerful and easy to talk to. I smiled a lot after I attended college.

And my mother is right — I was so happy back then.

I am happy now, just different kind of happy. The ones you are content with and I hope I can experience this feeling for a long time.

I always said that I lucked out in friendship and family, but a really, really, bad luck in romance. I have hard time accepting that. Well, I used to.

But now, I think I can accept that and just try accept any love that come to me, in various shapes or forms. And accept it fully because I can accept it.

Whether I am deserved or not — that is another story to tell.

Or another can of worms to be opened.

Anyway, twenty-eight does not seem scary anymore.

I hope tomorrow and following days ahead may treat me kindly.

Andin

As I write this, I just finished frantically writing down notes for my work at Gandaria City. Hoshino Coffee, to be exact. I have been wanting to visit since forever, since someone told me they had a great soufflé. It’s a bit too sweet, but I can proudly say that every dessert has been too sweet lately.

I was thinking about writing a diary-like entry until my birthday. It seems somewhat narcissistic, and I agree. I rarely write about my thoughts lately, and I figured out, you know what? Let’s do that.

Moreover, I do think I am an open book, and I rarely am vulnerable because I argued that I am just an open book. So, for my friends and people who knew me, this writing is just as if I am sharing my story with them. Normal.

However, I have many worries and concerns lately.

About turning a new age and expecting myself to figure everything — and EVERYTHING out. You know, like a normal adult would.

Which is ironic because one of my jobs is to convince people that you do not need to figure everything out just because you are turning a new age. Adulting is just a social construct anyway; we never received a manual on how to correctly become an adult. We just be? Right?

Even my parents told me that there are many new things that they just learned lately, and I think that clicked — I don’t think even people who should have figured everything out, like parents, even know what they’re doing sometimes.

And I held to that thought: I don’t have to know what I am doing sometimes. It’s okay to just figure things out as I go. It’s okay to ask for help when I am confused or even lost. Not everyone will help for sure, but I know some who will.

So, I’ll just write about it: my thoughts, my worries — purely to convince myself that I do not need to understand everything that’s going on with me. I could just maybe be?

I also write to help me understand that turning a new age does not mean everything in my life will change just because I gain another year. I hope I can look back and it is filled with just me doing mundane activities, sometimes sighing at some random stressors that appeared throughout the day. Or smiling to myself, thinking that I may be doing something fun today.

Like right now.

It’s 18.26, and I am just 34 minutes away from watching another Detective Conan movie. I am excited. I wore my Conan T-Shirt, some of my friends are on their way to watch with me, and more importantly, I brought my nuis with me: I Am Ready.

It’s 18.27 when my playlist changed to Seventeen’s Habit. I have had this song with me for a while now. Dian added this song when I had a collaborative Spotify playlist open during lockdown — asking my friends to input their favorite songs that they would share with me: to remind myself about their presence in my life.

It was a cute activity. I had fun seeing what my friends added to my playlist. From K-pop, to hip-hop, to Broadway musicals, and at one point, a Mariah Carey song. I did not limit any. And I remember I would think of them when their songs were played.

It’s funny because almost 4 years later, I slowly rediscovered myself as I became Seventeen’s fan. Well, I have known them for quite a while; they did many promotions with Wanna One back in their day.

It’s like remeeting a group of old friends and instantly clicked — if it made sense.

(I have a connection like this with one of my current college best friends. I have known her since junior high school from a distance. Now, she knows every one of my relationship stories and is the first person I rely on whenever I have a question about romantic involvement.)

Moments like these made me smile today. It reminded me how much I have changed — but also not changed.

I have changed — I became calmer and solemn lately. I reflect a lot lately. I realized I didn’t have the boost of energy that I used to have back in college and early career, where I used to take three kepanitiaan and three jobs at the same time to keep myself busy and excited and nurture my curiosity to learn.

Lately, I asked myself a lot whether or not I want to do. I feel like I became more selective with things that I want to do. Which is good. That means that I may know some of the things that I want to do. Just not everything else.

However, I also notice the un-change-ness aspect of myself.

I notice that I still enjoy spending time with people that I care about. I still love Detective Conan, Ace of Diamond, and Haikyuu in an unhealthy amount. I like to visit K-Pop exhibitions and attend their concerts, and gush angrily about why Every Wonwoo only has three minutes of video time today.

I notice that I am still shy and timid, and sometimes struggle to communicate things that I want to say. A trait that my 16-year-old proudly said, “Mine Huahahaha,” and I, for one, did not want to blame her. It’s what shaped me after all.

So what do I want to say here?

Nothing, I guess.

I guess I want to convince myself that: hey, at least I am trying to understand some parts of myself so that I am doing adulting kind of right.

It’s 18.51 when I finished writing. 9 minutes before The Conan Movie. Yay!

Andin

Tuesday, 16th September 2025

As I typed this, I am still twenty-seven years old and sitting on my office chair, staring blankly at the monitor and the work checklist that I need to finish.

It’s raining heavily outside, and I am surrounded by my new coworkers who are working silently.

Some took a break from working by looking at their phone, others diligently typing and reading their monitor, while some just finished their lunch and sat idly, as if waiting for their energy to pick up again.

I opened my WhatsApp chats and was waiting for messages from my friends (and my boss for some work approval).

My best friend is asking me about Manhattan and Queens and their transportation hubs, another friend is updating me with their job-searching process, and others just told me they secured their tickets for our Yoon Jeonghan’s Birthday Cafe trip on October 4th.

I also have my Telegram app open, where my best friends are gushing about their thoughts on Nijisanji. Meanwhile, an email just slid in from my professor back in Madison, asking for my updates after the series of protests several weeks ago.

I asked myself, was this the life that 18-year-old me imagined having ten years down the road and just bagged their Master's degree from abroad?

Maybe not.

But probably because I never imagined a life reaching twenty-seven, let alone twenty-eight.

I never imagined knowing what I was going to do with my life. At some point, I just tried to do things that make sense for me and me only. So, sometimes I often got asked about “was this the life you imagined?”

Yet also, I never imagined being surrounded by so many people in the first place.

Me? An introvert with very low energy? The one who experienced a friendship trauma when she was in elementary school? Her??? The 15-year-old me, who is shy and very aversive towards people around her, would be in a daze looking at her future self right now.

So, I did not predict this kind of life, AND it is definitely NOT a life I regret choosing.

My life has been wonderful to me, and I am grateful to experience this life and every hardship that I have experienced in it.

We can start from the fact that I may not have met the real love of my life, yet I am surrounded by people who I know love and appreciate me.

This is a funny topic, too. I imagined meeting them when I reached 27 years old, but it looks like I didn’t.

Now that I think of it, I thought I had met them in high school? Or during college? Or even at the height of Covid-19? Or from those many dating apps that made my friends shake their heads in disbelief?

Turns out, I didn’t.

I knew my faults in each of my failed relationships. My therapist told me to stop convincing myself that I am not enough for my exes, but I probably was not enough for them. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

After all, people’s perception of feeling “enough” is different, yeah?

It is a shame, really. Not meeting the love of your life or the person who convinced you that life could be better if you had each other. At least for me, from time to time.

But hey, during 27, I did meet many new people. A lot of them. Either from work, a friend of a friend, my old friends that I re-meet after a while, or just my favorite oomfs that leveled up to being my favorite people.

While I don’t have a person whom I was convinced that life would be better if we had each other, I found these people in my friends.

The ones that did daily check-ins to ensure all of us are safe. The ones that, when I asked whether they would like to sleep over at my place, they immediately replied with an enthusiastic “heck yeah”. The ones that always take their time to chat with me about everything and nothing. Even the ones that sent me IG reels (sent downloaded TikTok videos to me because I don’t have TikTok), funny memes, things that reminded them of me, and many others.

I don’t mind waiting for them. The love of my life, I meant.

If it meant waiting for them also equals being constantly reminded that I am loved by my family, friends, and people around me, then I’ll be fine.

So, dear whoever you are, you can take your time finding me. I’ll be waiting for you here. With chaotic conversations, loud laughters, and silly inside jokes surrounding me. I hope you’ll get to enjoy them too.

I may not have a license to practice as a psychologist, but I am content working as a counselor and juggling my full-time job, both of which are very exhausting, yet also exciting and rewarding. And never failed to bring a smile to my face.

I never regret the jobs that I chose.

Do I expect that I would have more energy to explore the ones that I want? Of course.

Do I hope that I did not let my shyness and timid personality get in the way of the opportunities that I was being offered? Of course. However, it is easy to rationalize that. I have been a more behind-the-scenes person after all. So, a win-win for me.

Yet, I think I am a braver person than I was back in college. So I think this is enough for me.

For now.

Things may change, but oh, well. Change is the only constant in life after all.

I may not have figured my life out together (like usual), but I know that I am working to be a better person.

Somewhat.

Well, it depends on how you define “better” anyway.

Andin.

this year world mental health day 2024, i wanted to try something different.

i was swamped with work and college and decided to use this medium piece to do self-reflection on turning twenty-seven. for some people, turning 27 shouldn’t be a big deal but for me, it somehow is.

i treated getting older as a unique experience because here’s the thing: there were several instances i never believed that i would reach a certain age. if we’re being honest, i remember that maybe my life would end at 19.

i don’t think it was a suicidal ideation or illness-related, but i think it was just how my brain works at that time — that i could not fathom myself turning older. i did not know when it started, but i think it was when i was 17 years old.

i think by 17, we collectively all have this kind of understanding that life is… pretty hard. and i remember asking myself whether i could continue on. there were many, many things happening all at once and it was so overwhelming for me.

when i was 17 years old, just a normal high-school student stressing out because i had to picked what college that i want to get into and what major i wanted, and specifically: whether i could achieve that feat.

i didn’t know there was a life to explore after i turned 18, 19 — every age of that matters. especially turning 27. there is something weird that i feel when i get older and reached an odd age number — it is weird.

i have several theories but the main lies in my understanding of i did not know what turning 27 would feel like. so, if i reflected on past experiences, the simple answer would be an: i did not even know how my life would look like when i turned 27.

(i don’t think i have a full, thorough answer for this one too)

27 is such a funny age number for me.

i remember back then, thinking when i was 17, “wow i will have my life together when i reached 27!” and now i am 27 and it feels like everything is just same — i am just one year older (and another year away from 25 where i, and my other fellow 25+ friends, are consider an ancient being in the country where we came from).

i, in fact, did not have my life together in 27.

at every waking moment, i was sure that i just messed my life even more.

i am pursuing my masters, however i was always bombarded with constant questions whether i wanted to pursue PhD (and i know they always meant well) and i always laugh at that question. i am grateful to be asked that questions, because it seems like they view me as someone who would want to dedicate another five years in my life working in academia.

still thinking about it though. don’t have the answer now.

i am single but but it feels like there were too many inquiries whether or not i am planning to marry and settle down (and i know they meant well). i found my perfect response lately. it would be smiling meekly and asked for their prayers so that someone will take me as their beloved wife. in all honesty again, i didn’t know whether that will happen anytime soon.

i could go into a huge blabbering mess if i talk about my romance life so let’s just cut it here.

i am once again, figuring out what i wanted to do with my life. it is a funny statement because i am sure that it is something that my 17 year old me would not have guess that i would throw myself once again in this whirlwind future-related anxious pool of thoughts.

but i think that’s the cycle, yes? you exposed yourself with more knowledge and information and you’re retracing your steps in life once more.

life has been even tougher for 27 year old me.

however, there are still things that are familiar to me when i turned 27. and it brought me comfort that the andin essence haven’t disappeared even though i am 3 numbers away from turning 30:

i still enjoy watching detective conan in an unhealthy amount.

i had this one phase where i was overly-critical with how aoyama gosho wrote conan and the cases which prompted me to stop reading. however, nowadays it is different. i just engaged with the series for the sake enjoyment and experiencing joy.

i watched conan’s movie 27 (!) last august with couple of my close friends and i remember laughing so hard because i was enjoying myself to the fullest. i did not focus on how heiji was able to stood upright on top of a flying plane, all i knew was heiji was going to win that swordfight in an amazing way. i feel like reverting back to how i viewed conan 20 years ago — which is fun.

i think it is true when they said getting older might be a way for you to appreciate things even more.

my favorite character in conan is amuro tooru

— though i really love referring him as rei, as his true name is furuya rei. i didn’t like him because he was cool, an undercover agent with three faces and identities, or the fact that he was able to drive recklessly without being reprimanded by the police or that he could jump from Hikarie Shibuya building into a flying helicopter — no.

i like him because on how i interpret him through my own lens of view. my friends (and many conan fans) would disagree with me because i view rei as someone who craves for connections, where a close friend of mine jokingly said, “don’t project yourself into him, kak”. and i agreed, i might be projecting myself.

but that’s the thing: projecting my issues into fictional characters have helped me tons in navigating my own issues and problems. i feel like a third-person watching things unfolded and how i should appropriately reacted if this was a controlled-environment.

i did not only do this with rei. i had an original character, Karin, who fell into victim of my projection as well. i even gave my writings on her to my therapist who somehow, was amused by it. i also showed that to some friends who were either surprised that i have the ability to do that, or just nodded their head and said, “this is so you.” while giggling when reading my writings.

(because they would throw, “which cokipop guy that you will write this time, ndin?”)

before i have people coming to tell me how unhealthy this is, i agree. this is probably a highly, extreme version of intellectualizing emotions. however, it was helpful for me to also express myself better. i write about my issues a lot — TONS even.

it was kinda hard to write what i am feeling as is (i usually do this by saying out loud and it helps), but it was fairly easy to write when i am not the one experiencing it. in the end, my writings was a way of me expressing myself.

it did not help that my friends (bless their hearts, really) and even my psychologist said that “well, if it’s helpful for you, i don’t see why you should stop doing it.” and so i kept on doing it.

it is now february 2025 and i have around, twenty-three? or twenty-four of personal short stories that i wrote to process my emotions and issues. i usually wrote them with my emotional lens first, and then i’ll dissect them rationally, intellectualizing it in the process.

this process is still hilarious for me because i remember a friend told me, “kak, you’re basically acting as a psychologist for yourself” and truthfully, they are not wrong.

i feel like i have a huge control when it came to me writing about stories where i project my issue and it certainly served as my safe space in processing the highly intense emotions and other feelings and thoughts that followed.

my therapist (and honestly, most of my friends who held degree in psychology) said that i do have a huge neuroticism tendencies, where i worry about a lot of things and reminding that i always have control when i have my microsoft word opens and everything (and i mean everything can happen when i write them — it was powerful).

however, by doing this also, i feel like i was really attune to my emotions, values, my inner thoughts, my experiences, and how i would respond to stress and crisis. it would eventually end with “you know what? let’s write it down and have furuya rei or karin experienced what we just experience. just for fun, you know?”

i find that it was fun — being a complete mess of myself, processing my own emotions to be calmer, and eventually arrived in a headspace that i could articulate what i felt and how i would intellectualize them.

and that’s something weird in my 27 years of age of living.

but hey, a bunch of people told me that this is my first time living in this life and i agree with them wholeheartedly.

it is something that i always told my mentees: there is no an appropriate guide to live as yourself or living your life. it is something that we actively pursue, actively trying to understand, and sometimes might face one or two setbacks. and i tried to always repeat that to myself as well.

i don’t have a guideline on how i should be living as andin. i could just, live.

so to conclude, i am sure i have tons of weird things that happened in my life now that i am 27 and i am more sure that more weird things about myself would eventually emerges when i turn 28, 29, 30, and so on. it is painfully scary but also exciting.

one thing for sure: i think right now, i am currently content where life will bring me as i age.

i hope that does not change anytime soon.

thank you for reaching 27, ndin. and for you who read this funny piece of mine, thanks for reading it until the end.

And the topic for this year is a topic that is so dear to my heart, unbeknownst to me for several years.

So, TLDR: I had many, many discussions with several friends about cognitive functions and was exposed to many discussions related to the topic. It was interesting, and my friend told me that my cognitive functions attracted me to certain topics, such as relationships (or as she said, “Fe-atas tendencies”). Not just in a romantic context but the relations that people had within the ties of a relationship.

I tried to reflect on it, and realization finally struck me. Of course. It made sense. Everything I have consumed and loved always had the elements of “relations” or “ties” between humans. It further exemplifies how much I love stories about people being human and just bouncing back from their people problems.

So I’ll talk about that. People, Human, and Support.

Since it’s a WMHD topic and I am trying to bring new research here as well, I will highlight the importance of support for your mental health and overall well-being. (Yes, I will use *that* Harvard’s research)

Thus, I will redirect you to two of my favorite media that I consumed in a very god-like amount lately.

1. Detective Conan Movie 25: The Bride of Halloween
2. Suzume no Tojimari

—

Detective Conan Movie 25

It’s very hyper-specific, movie 25 which entitled “The Bride of Halloween” centered around one of the characters that made me commit a heinous 50-chat-chain-messages to several friends, much to their dismay.

I know what you’re talking about.

“Ndin, Detective Conan's movie’s plot is just bad people blasting buildings that the movie highlighted during the movie's opening. The movie will end with Conan (and friends) defying gravity's actions, which rival the Fast & Furious franchise!”

And yes.

I agree with you.

But. Stick with me.

I watched Detective Conan Movie 25 in 2022, and as an avid Detective Conan movie enjoyer, I went in with curiosity to find out which poor building had to suffer millions worth of damages this time. However, I ended up closing the video player with red, bumpy eyes, nose full of snot, and disheveled tissues on the table.

I immediately fell in love with the movie just for depicting human relationships and companionship, which became a central topic to the movie’s narrative. I think it still sits in my favorite Detective Conan Movie of all time.

Then, I picked it up several weeks ago after watching the newest movie with a friend, and I fell in love even more.

From my perspective, the core of the stories is that everyone in this movie literally is grieving, with Furuya Rei or Amuro Tooru at its central story. Even the policemen members and the newly-introduced side characters are just people who are processing their own grief with their own stories.

The movie’s synopsis goes like this: A mysterious, famous bomber named Plamya who terrorized the world was said to be in Japan. They blew up several locations in Tokyo. Conan, the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department, and the Public Safety Bureau are working on uncovering the bomber, all while trying to protect nearly 500,000 lives during the Halloween event in Shibuya. During this movie, flashback stories were introduced, ones that are related to a character named Amuro Tooru/Furuya Rei.

Tldr if you don’t know about Amuro Tooru/Furuya Rei (the same person, I will refer him as Amuro from now on):

So. He’s a new (?) character in Detective Conan for the last 9–10 years and was one of the fan favorites, especially in Japan. He is the responsible person (character?) who singlehandedly successfully dethroned Avengers Infinity War in Japan, failing them to achieve a perfect top-ranked movie worldwide in 2018. (Honestly, Conan movies vs MCU movies in Japan never fail to crack me up because it happened again in 2019.)

Amuro Tooru is a waiter who works in Poirot Cafe and is also a member of the Black Organization Syndicate, Bourbon. He possessed amazing deductive skills and enrolled himself into Kogoro Mouri’s favorite disciple (which means he could pop up at a crime scene whenever the main trio was around). However, he is also working as an undercover agent working for the secret police, Public Security Bureau (PSB), and his real name is Furuya Rei; with his real mission: to expose and take down the syndicate once and for all.

I must admit that I did not like Amuro much when he was first introduced, like a friend’s friend who said he’s just a new fan service character. Well, You are not wrong.

However, I was in love with his characterization and narrative when his fellow friends were introduced to the story through Wild Police Story, his past.

In his story, we were introduced to his four peers: Hagiwara, Matsuda (yes, that famous Matsuda from the Ferris wheel bomb case), Date, and Hiro. Wild Police Story should be a series of its own, but I digressed. It explores one of my favorite things:

how your relationship web tangles with each other and how it affects people around you, and even yourself.

For example, we meet young Amuro, a hard-working, headstrong individual who enjoys being right. He had a fallout with Matsuda, a laid-back mechanics genius. They found resolution in compromising that despite their differences in personality, they could work well as a team, successfully saving their instructor who was involved in an unfortunate accident. I really enjoy how their relationship pans out, actually.

However, all four of them shared a common thing that Amuro did not share: they all died in the main storyline. Back then, I had no idea that Amuro had already lost his core, most important support system :)

What happened then?

Movie 25 happened. The movie teased about Amuro’s peers' roles before they died in the main storyline. The action was great. I mean come on, brave policemen fought a mysterious bomber and worked together to defuse this huge, catastrophic chemical bomb. The team succeeded amazingly, yet that was the last time they gathered, alive and well. It was a great flashback addition.

(Until I realized that they died after this flashback…..)

During the course of the movie, as we shift to the present time, Amuro keeps showing emotions that resemble regrets, longing, and, most importantly, grieving about his friend’s death. However, one thing is comfort for us as audiences who were invested in their relationship and stories: Their feelings, knowledge, advice, and values live within Amuro as he determined to stop Plamya from detonating the Shibuya Scramble.

One of the characteristics that we easily picked up is that due to the nature of his character (you know, as a double agent with triple identities to uphold) Amuro grieves alone and by himself. He does have several other people that we as the audience know he could rely on, but none of them came close on how his relationship with his four peers panned out. They were his best friends and his main support system.

So it is no wonder, for me, an acute Fe-atas with rumination tendencies, there will always be “what ifs” in regard to Amuro’s relations with his four peers.

What if Hagiwara survived the initial bombing? What if Matsuda cut the wire in the Ferris wheel? What if Date stepped back and the car missed him? What if Hiro had lowered the gun and listened to what his fellow undercover agent had to say before shooting himself?

What if Amuro still had the most supportive, accepting people in his life?

Will he still choose to grieve alone?

(I always find myself feeling so depressed whenever I think about this.)

My depressed state (for a fictional character nonetheless) was perpetuated by this ending song and the lyrics:

when familiar roads and streets do not feel familiar anymore because the ones who made it familiar are not here anymore. You long for them to be here. You are trying to get by living on the once-familiar roads and streets, but all of your efforts are rendered futile. Yet you had no choice but to hold on.

Everything that Amuro was and now— is the same as how everything we are and now is; touched and influenced by people around us.

The habits we picked, the values we hold dear, and the knowledge passed on within our families or within circles of friends will always live within us as we practice them, sometimes without us even noticing.

If I use Amuro Tooru’s example; Amuro always reminded himself not to panic when defusing bombs because Matsuda told him to do that once during the Academy. Amuro picked on Judo quickly because that is what Date, who was good at it, taught him in the Academy.

As you read those sentences, I am sure you also have some of yours, right? The novel you read because your friend from junior high school said it was a good read for them and became one of your favorite series of all time. The artist that you took a liking to because your crush said it was their favorite band. Or even the restaurant your parents told you they sold their favorite martabak, which became your comfort food growing up.

As human beings and social beings, we cannot truly be alone. We need other people and relations to keep us going.

I felt like the words and the emphasis on relations and connections resonated with me personally. Especially whenever my friend (read: Natha) pointed out that it is ingrained in my natural Fe-Atas tendencies.

In retrospect, I need my friends to be my trash dump whenever I have this episodic feeling to channel my Fe-atas energy. For example, I have this behemoth English-Indonesian essay about Movie 25 that I wrote at 3 AM in the morning.

(Actually, this article is an excuse for ME to talk about Movie 25 and Amuro Tooru’s character analysis more comprehensively instead of spamming it to my Bangsal GC, Ratu, or Marisa. I love you all to death for enduring my spams ❤)

—

Suzume no Tojimari

Listen.

I have always loved Makoto Shinkai’s movies, but I never loved one the way I love Suzume no Tojimari.

I watched the movie with no expectations except being amazed by how Shinkai immersed you in his art style, colors, and cinematography. I, however, did not expect to leave the theaters while sobbing violently into my best friend’s shirt.

Suzume no Tojimari, if you haven’t watched it, follows a young girl who travels across Japan to save the country from its impending doom by locking “doors” that are a gateway to supernatural beings. Throughout her journey, Suzume and we as the viewers, met many kinds of people and fascinating characters that made the story humane; it made you trust humanity once more.

Even if you’re a first-time watcher of Makoto Shinkai’s films, I highly recommend you try to watch Suzume because it talks about my favorite piece: how humans build relationships and how you cope with grief.

I will go on a deep-dive analysis here, so if you don’t want to be spoiled, feel free to go back and watch it. It’s really amazing. Highly recommended.

Are we good?

Good.

I bawled on Suzume no Tojimari during Act 3.

It was the Act where everything accumulates, and you started to understand why Suzume did everything she did throughout her journey.

To give you context, Suzume Iwato is a 17-year-old girl who ventured through Japan’s many prefectures in an adventure that I can say is dangerous for any high school student ever; she did it without thinking about how it may affect her in the long run. Suzume simply does not care and throws herself into many dangerous options and choices that are really risky for her.

I have read many reviews that commented on Suzume’s questionable choices, leading her to dangerous encounters. Some didn’t like it because it was too dramatic, yet some could sympathize. I was the latter.

In Act 3, it was explained that Suzume was consumed with grief.

Suzume, when she was a toddler, was the victim of the March 2011 Japan Earthquake and Tsunami in the Tohoku region, also known as “The Great Tohoku Earthquake.” The total casualties were around 19,000, and many of them are still missing to this day. In Suzume no Tojimari, Suzume’s mother was also one of the casualties.

I remember whispering to my best friend, “If Suzume turns out to be the victim of 2011’s tsunami, I think I will cry” before the revelation happened. As the movie finally revealed the word “Sendai, Tohoku”; I remember my voice hitches because I knew that my prediction was right.

When Suzume opened her child’s drawing book for the first time after years, the movie gave you the sensation of what it was like the loud alarms, the screaming of searching for her loved ones, people crying for help, and Suzume’s cries in search for her mother while her drawing book was full of black scribbles that covered the whole page: I was already full-blown crying.

Her mother’s death, a kind and loving mother who built her a chair that she loved dearly, was built as a belief that Suzume was just lucky to be alive and she firmly believes that her luck might run out soon. I even think at one point Suzume feels like she doesn’t deserve to be the one who survives the earthquake.

I remember writing on Twitter that Suzume might feel like living right now is like living in a limbo. She only focuses on going through her life day to day and not really focusing on living her life, and Suzume hyper-fixates on her past. For Suzume, it is difficult to focus on stuff around her, with the exception of her own self.

It explains why Suzume was so easy to just follow Shota and Daijin around Japan just to feel something — the thrill and excitement of finally making meaning in her life whilst all this time, all she felt for her life was luck. She was lucky to be alive, and she was sure that her luck might be running out soon.

At first, Suzume was adamant that she was not afraid to die. Hence, she throws herself so easily into numerous life-threatening situations. However, as the movie progresses, Suzume begins to develop and finally voices out, frustratingly, that she doesn’t want to be in a world where Shota, the male protagonist, is not in it.

For the very first time, Suzume wanted to live.

That switch made me well up with tears, tbh because to witness someone not focusing on how not to die, but wanting to live for me was amazing.

—

The one red string I wanted to connect between Amuro Tooru and Suzume Iwato is how human relations and support play within their narrative and story.

I always love stories that make sense with a hint of human relations intricacies within them because I always believe that human relations and support in one way or another, always benefit us.

Last February, an 85-year-long Harvard study found one of the secrets to a long, happy, and successful life: Social Fitness. The researcher explained that “personal connection creates mental and emotional stimulation, which are automatic mood boosters, while isolation is a mood buster.”

Social Fitness does not mean you always need to have tons of people to be your best friends, which are some of the questions I normally get asked during peer counseling sessions. As we reach adulthood, our focus on relationships is not on the quantity or number of best friends we have; we tend to focus on the quality. The meaningful ones. The ones that can make us feel liberated and supported; or if we fall, we rely on them to catch us.

It is actually explained in a developmental psychology theory by Jean Piaget, that during our 20s or 30s, we have tendencies to build, maintain, and foster healthy relationships, romantically or platonically.

Or you can find this in more new pop-culture aspects: The new Petualangan Sherina Movie. If you are a young Indonesian, you are probably familiar with the theme songs from the movie (and probably have heard about the buzz of the second one). “Menikmati Hari” in the first movie and “Hari Kita Berdua” in the second movie.

In the first movie, we heard “Betapa bahagianya, punya banyak teman. Betapa senangnya!” (translated: How happy it is to have many friends! How fun it is!). In the second one, we heard the lyrics somewhat developed into a “Betapa bahagianya, bersama berdua. Betapa senangnya!” (translated: How happy it is to be here with you. How fun it is!).

You don’t need a huge circle to feel supported; some people that you know that you can always rely on them are probably more helpful.

Or you can see your relationships and support system in this diagram below: 7 Circles of Friendship.

People have different opinions on relationships, friendships, and their degree of closeness. Sometimes, you can be the only person to determine and understand how the people around you play their parts in your life. Not everyone should be your best friend or the one you can rely on, but it is important for you to know the ones you consider close and trust.

Or you can use CNBC’s Seven Keystones of Support.

1. Safety and security: Who would you call if you woke up scared in the middle of the night? Who would you turn to in a moment of crisis?
2. Learning and growth: Who encourages you to try new things, take chances, and pursue your life’s goals?
3. Emotional closeness and confiding: Who knows everything (or most things) about you? Who can you call on when you’re feeling low and be honest with about how you’re feeling?
4. Identity affirmation and shared experience: Is there someone in your life who has shared many experiences with you and helps you strengthen your sense of who you are?
5. Romantic intimacy: Do you feel satisfied with the amount of romantic intimacy in your life?
6. Help (both informational and practical): Who do you turn to if you need expertise or help to solve a practical problem (e.g., planting a tree, or fixing your WiFi connection.)
7. Fun and relaxation: Who makes you laugh? Who do you call to see a movie or go on a road trip with who makes you feel connected and at ease?

Not everyone can fill all of the seven supports solo; sometimes, maybe we could mix them up — It’s important that we know what values and needs that we have in life; including the people that we would like to be a huge part of our lives for a long run.

And yes, there is something scary, one way to put it, in putting our trust in others, the ones we cannot control.

And I feel you, for some people, doing all of this is hard. But I hope you know that help is always available if you seek them. Psychologists and other mental health professionals are here to help you adjust and solve those kinds of problems :)

Kak Riza, the resident beta-reader and my-screamings-recipient; is one of the licensed psychologists you can talk to! There are also more licensed clinical psychologists over at @wefanpsyou, who are also available for online consultation! Please check them out!

(Psst! We have a limited 50k online consultation for the World Mental Health Day special, please check it out!)

Anyway, here’s to World Mental Health Day 2023!

I hope you are all living and thriving.

Now that my duties are finished: I will return to my telegram chats with Ratu and spiraling more and more 🙏

See you next year!

I have solely believed that My Hero Academia is more than your normal superhero stories with kickass powers or amazingly drawn stories.

Of all Shounen Jump Manga that I have read during my 25 years of breathing and living my wholesome weeb life, I always find myself returning back to reading My Hero Academia.

SO! It’s my 25th birthday last month and it’s also World Mental Health Day! Thus, please allow me to indulge you in the series that returned on air on October 1st for its sixth season.

I picked this manga when I was in High School, around 2015 due to the influence of a longtime friend, and was immersed in the story quickly. If you haven’t been friends with me long enough to hear me rant nor picked it up yourself, here’s the brief story of My Hero Academia.

My Hero Academia (Japanese: 僕のヒーローアカデミア, Boku no Hero Academia) is a story set in a world where superpowers (called “Quirks”) have become commonplace. Naturally, so does superheroes and supervillains alike.

The main story follows Izuku Midoriya (Deku), a boy who was born without a Quirk but still dreams of becoming a superhero himself. He is later scouted by All Might, Japan’s greatest hero, who bestows his Quirk to Deku after recognizing his potential.

Deku later enrolls in a prestigious high school for superheroes in training.

As of October 2022, My Hero Academia has garnered around 22 story arcs, 6 seasons of anime, 370ish manga chapters, and 3 independent movies; a crazy feat when you realize that it’s only an 8-year-old manga.

If you haven’t read it, maybe once you skimmed it, you thought you were going to get stories about how a boy who against all odds, became the greatest hero; which is all true.

This time, I however want to focus on how My Hero Academia taught me about the three things that we sometimes find ourselves struggle throughout our life:

Hope, Perseverance, and Forgiveness.

An Ode to Hope

One of the reasons I love My Hero Academia is because of the world-building. But then again, I have always loved stories with great world-building that can suck me into the world immensely and make it seem so believable, like Fullmetal Alchemist or Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint did.

In a world where superheroes and supervillains are normal, you have this chaotic world that depends on Superheroes to protect everyone; along the way, Bystander Effect is everywhere because they can depend on heroes to save the day.

In this story, we have All Might, Japan’s (or even the World’s) Mightiest Hero; whose motto is “Don’t you worry again! Why? Because I am Here!”

And I love him. So much.

All Might was known as The Symbol of Peace in the world. He is the Hope, The Pillar, and the Sense of Security of the world. He is the “face” of keeping safe everyone, especially in Japan.

He is also super strong, and always enters saving the day with this huge smile on his face. You can see it here in this video which inspired Deku himself to be a superhero himself.

As the story progressed, I myself began to feel how amazing All Might is as the character that is portrayed as the number one hero too! Because I myself feel inspired and this overwhelming sense of hope emitting from this 2D character also. This finally brings me to the question that has been at the back of my mind:

Why do we like stories about heroes anyway?

A researcher from Richmond University, Dr. Scott T. Allison explained why we like heroes so much and I will underline around three reasons that I think are relevant to this essay.

• They invoke emotional elevation.

This elevation emotion makes you feel warm and somewhat expanded. Try to remember when you watch any Marvel superheroes or whenever you read stories about simple acts about heroes. Those stories emitted a huge sense of security and a sense of admiration for a beautiful act from a human being.

• They can heal a psychic wound

Whenever we hear stories or witness stories about heroes that are currently happening in front of our eyes, it has the power to calm the mind. It is later circled to the fact that heroic stories or people make us feel safe and secure.

• They inspire us to change our lives for the better

At the same time, we sometimes experience the feeling that heroes can also show us how to change our lives for the better.

For example, Spider-man stories tell us that great power comes with great responsibility and that the best use of power is used to help others. Or we can use All Might’s motto to save people with a huge smile on his face while yelling “PLUS ULTRA!”. In my experience, it inspires me to thrive better as a person, a normal one, as well.

I believe All Might is portrayed as the hero who provided a sense of security for everyone and as a sense of hope. When Kamino Arc happened and he was on the brink of defeat, you can tell that it all seemed that hope was lost. But he never wavered. All Might knew his position, responsibility, and his power to the world.

In the age where people are overly dependent on heroes, in this manga, to save the day, All Might acknowledge the burden that followed as the Symbol of Peace. He knew that if he lost or gave up, the world would definitely LOSE their sense of security.

And as human beings, we hated that. (I myself hate that)

Feeling safe and secure means having a sense of control over yourself and the environment. Exploring, discovering, and challenging your boundaries can be really fun, and can help you get to know who you are. However, a sense of security is something that we can slowly build again through adaptation.

Just like when the characters began adapting to navigate in a world where All Might is no more. After the Kamino arc where the characters are forced to adapt despite the looming villain threat, they slowly braved themselves to hope for a better future. Because once we feel secure and have a sense of control over our surroundings, that is where we begin to learn how to hope.

And I believe being able to hope despite the uncertainty is a wonderful thing.

An Ode to Perseverance

Perseverance has been the beating heart of Shounen Jump Manga, it is one of the reasons I somehow adapted this mindset in my daily life. Where sometimes, it could be a bit unhealthy because sometimes, hard work does lie.

However, My Hero Academia reminded me, most of the time, why persevering can give you a reward. Even though your hard work didn’t come through, you learned things that may be beneficial for your future endeavor.

The main character, Deku, helped me to internalize the importance of persevering.

Deku wasn’t born with the quirk that he had, Deku’s power was earned.

When things were earned, you feel like you deserved the power and when you feel deserved, you feel prouder of what you have achieved so far. Sure, you struggle for a while with the impostor syndrome-ish that came with the power that you earned.

In fact, Deku did too. Even though, he really deserves the power that he inherited. He risked his own life to save someone for God's sakes when other Heroes could only stand by and watch.

And during the course of perseverance, you might fail. And That’s okay.

Deku failed several times before he succeeded. In order to master one of his key skills, Full Cowl, Deku had to break several of his bones and was sent to ER (or his school clinic) more than five times.

My Hero Academia for me is an ode to perseverance because we witnessed how these characters’ blood, sweat, and tears came to be. One of my favorite characters is a small child named Eri.

Eri was abused, literally killed, and resurrected for her quirk. Eri even had trouble trusting the Heroes, including Deku, which is why they dedicated the first 13 episodes of Season 4 to rescue her. After she was rescued even, Eri even couldn't bring herself to smile and forgot how to (Which Was Pure Heartbreaking For Me).

And in the most wholesome yet anime-way, it took a whole school festival and class band performance who worked hard, persevering, to make her smile and laugh so bubbly at the end.

Every time I was stressed out and wondered whether persevering was worth my time, My Hero Academia always gave me a kind reminder.

Persevering was always worth it, even though it didn’t maybe bring the numbers that I hoped. Or the results that I wished for. Or maybe just focusing on how much I grew by choosing to persevere, it never failed to warm my heart.

Like the motto, “Go Further Beyond, PLUS ULTRA!” right?

Of course, there are times, realistically speaking, when we need to choose to back out and not persevere. And for me, that’s okay too. Because in the end, we are the only ones who know what’s best for us. If the best thing for us is to hold on and persevere, do it.

However, if the best thing for us is to step down and aim differently, then do it as well.

An Ode to Forgiveness

Lastly, My Hero Academia reminded me of the importance of relearning yourself, owning up to your past mistakes, and the concept of forgiveness itself. And I am sorry for spoilers territory but I am going to talk about:

Endeavor’s and Bakugo’ Katsuki’s Arc.

We’ll start with this man whose body is literally covered with flames, shall we?

Meet Endeavor.

Endeavor was the notorious Number Two Hero in the My Hero Academia world. He was a very strong hero and full of ambition. He had been longing to be the number one but All Might was always on his way. He spent years training himself on his special quirk, Eternal Flame.

However, Endeavor is one hell of a shitty father.

He was the father of one of the protagonists as well, Todoroki Shouto. Throughout the story, we learn how Shouto was a child that was born to be bred as the next number one hero by Endeavor himself.

Endeavor was ruthless towards Todoroki and his own family. Endeavor abused Shouto, and ruthlessly trained him until he vomited his stomach out when he was a toddler. He even abused his own wife and caused her to throw Shouto, her own son, a kettle full of hot water, permanently injuring his left side; before eventually sending her to a psychiatric ward.

His other three children were abused as well. His eldest one even died at a fairly young age because all he wanted was Endeavor to pay attention to him before ended up killing himself in a forest fire. His second son resented him for what Endeavor did to his older brother, and his only daughter had trouble making her dream family a reality.

It was until Endeavor finally became the Number One hero that he realized, it wasn’t such a grand place that he once thought it to be. After he almost lost his life during a close battle, Endeavor’s thoughts kept shifting to his family.

In season 5, Endeavor was later shown to try making amends with his family. He began showing up to dinner arranged by his daughter. He began to send his wife flowers in the hospital. Endeavor also tried to express his eagerness to spend time with his children so that he could taste the food that they made.

In short, Endeavor’s willingness to make amends became a very messy experience for him and for his family.

Because here’s the thing about making amends and forgiveness, you cannot make people that you have wronged, in Endeavor’s case, abused, just forgive you.

Before I explain more about forgiveness and the theories (aka me psychology-geeking out), the second one is Bakugo Katsuki’s Arc.

Bakugo Katsuki didn’t show up as a likable character either.

In episode 1, Bakugo was shown bullying Deku, mocking him because Deku didn’t have any powers, wrecking Deku’s books, and even telling him to end his own life.

It was after he and Deku entered U.A High that Bakugo slowly stopped bullying him (he still yelled mean things to Deku) but as Deku grew up to be more confident, Deku began to slowly fight back against Bakugo’s bullying as well.

Bakugo has trouble acknowledging that the guy who used to follow him around and he used to bully as well, is slowly becoming equal or even stronger than him. As someone who was used to being praised and had lackeys following him around, I would sense that the feeling of inferiority that cultivates is not something that a 15-year-old would like to have.

It took Bakugo 3 seasons to finally accept Deku as his equal (after they fought and were suspended by school), thus creating this friendly bantering and rivalry that the two of them had.

In addition, it took Bakugo nearly 300 chapters in the manga to finally acknowledge his inferiority, address the bullying acts that he had made to Deku, and finally apologize to Deku for every mistake that he has made. Even called him “Izuku”, to emphasize his words on atonement.

This was important since Deku is the name that Bakugo made for him when they were children because Deku couldn’t do anything. Deku symbolizes when the bullying started.

In a different approach than Endeavor to his family, by this point of the manga, Deku already forgives Bakugo.

However, the process until Bakugo admitted his faults and braved himself to finally apologizes?

Long. Messy. Painful too, honestly.

Because that's forgiveness.

But let’s talk about research on forgiveness, shall we?

Forgiveness in Research

According to Enright and North, forgiving others encompasses two parts:

First, there is a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and negative behavior toward one who acted unjustly.

Second, forgiving involves the voluntary fostering of the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and sometimes even love toward the offended.

Forgiveness also can be more simply defined as a decrease in negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the offender, and perhaps, over time, a gradual increase in more positive thoughts, feelings, and sometimes even behaviors toward an offender can occur.

Through that three definitions, we can highlight that the key to forgiveness is: willingness, voluntary acts, and decreasing negative emotions. As the victims most importantly, these three are stuff that is sometimes not easy to do, let alone achieve. We can't control or decide that we must forgive someone here and now. And expect that resentment, anger, sadness, and all of the negative emotions went: Poof. Gone.

Because it doesn’t work that way.

Forgiveness is a very Messy experience.

David Augsburger in his book “Caring Enough To Forgive” says:

“Forgiveness is a journey of many steps, each of which can be extremely difficult, all of which are to be taken carefully, thoughtfully, and with deep reflection”.

Research focusing on romantic partner abuse and forgiveness by Richard Cowden wrote that “deciding to forgive can trigger emotional forgiveness, however, the process of emotional forgiveness is not necessarily predicated on or a byproduct of decisional forgiveness.”

A victim can make a decision to reduce negative behavior toward a transgressor and perhaps act benevolently toward a transgressor, yet may still experience ongoing emotional unforgiveness (e.g. anger, disappointment, resentment).

However, reducing emotional unforgiveness beyond mere elimination of negative emotions may make forgiving a valued person more difficult, particularly as the victim attempts to absorb and make sense of being betrayed by a close person whom they trusted. This was shown by Shouto and his siblings towards Endeavor.

Shouto’s older brother, Natsuo, angrily told off Endeavor that he was a great hero but a terrible father, to the point that being in the same room with his own father suffocated him. And I believe Natsuo’s feelings were valid. Because sometimes being in the same room with the perpetrator of the abuse does not make you feel safe, even though it happened a long time ago.

Everyone processed their pain differently.

That’s why psychologists and mental health professionals are here to help and assist you as you process the pain and big emotions that follow. We know and acknowledge the messy and hard process that you are going to go through when you choose to forgive someone who has wronged you.

However, Suzanne Freedman and Robert D. Enright’s research about three forgiveness therapy is something that you could highlight if you are wondering to choose to forgive someone:

Results show that forgiveness is an effective way of restoring psychological health following abuse as well as increasing forgiveness toward the offender.

Yet, I would like you to also remember that:

Forgiveness is a Process.

Into The Light UK wrote this in their article about forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not about denial. Forgiveness is admitting it was that bad — that abusive. Many people think forgiveness over looks and forgets the harm done. This is not the case — we have to fully acknowledge the atrocities against us. Forgiveness is also not forgetting.

We do not “forgive and forget”.

Forgiveness is a much more complex process than many people think it is. It takes time. Getting in touch with the pain, anger, grief, and loss is all part of the process of forgiveness. All these stages are not to be rushed.

Walking towards forgiveness is a long road and some events are so traumatic you could not possibly forgive them in one go. You would take time and energy and that’s okay.

We need to process all of those complex and messy emotions slowly, at our own pace.

Sometimes we fail. Sometimes our resentment and anger get the best of us, and that's okay. We are human beings, it’s natural for us to make mistakes, even when we are trying our best to forgive.

What about Perpetrator and Forgiveness?

One of the reasons I highlighted the importance of forgiveness in My Hero Academia is how they took an angle on the offender or the perpetrator, like Endeavor and Bakugo.

A lot of article journals that I have read when researching forgiveness (yes for this article only) stated that lots of research are saturated towards victim forgiveness, and rarely focused on the perpetrator’s angle. However, in latest years, many have tried to understand the perpetrator’s angle as well.

According to Sandage and the team’s research in 2000, an inability or unwillingness to seek forgiveness can have negative consequences for a perpetrator’s reputation and relationships, leading to problems such as social isolation.

As a mental health practitioner, I have witnessed several cases and stories where people who labeled themselves as the perpetrator, tend to withdraw themselves from relationships and even society, focusing entirely on blaming themselves.

Thus, guilt came along.

Along with the awareness of their bad actions, perpetrators may experience guilt about their wrong deeds. This was exuded clearly in Endeavor and Bakugo when they realize that they have wronged people close to them. Guilt is an unpleasant emotional experience for perpetrators.

As perpetrators continue to feel guilty in their relationships, it decreases their relationship satisfaction (Overall et al., 2014) and impairs their mental health (e.g. O’Connor et al., 2002). Blaming themselves or self-blame is one of the consequences.

However, if exercised in a healthy manner, guilt may be the driving and protective factor in motivating a certain type of behavior (e.g. compensatory behavior like expressing an apology) to restore the relationship (Baumeister et al., 1994).

In conclusion, compensatory behavior is a perpetrator-driven approach aimed at reconciliation with the victim. Similarly, forgiveness involves a compromise by the victim, as well as a commitment to improving the relationship between the perpetrator and the victim (McCullough, 2001), thus signaling the victim’s conciliatory attitude and implying a resolution of the relationship crisis between the perpetrator and the victim.

Likewise, victims may also attempt to repair the relationship by expressing forgiveness to their perpetrator (Burnette et al., 2012). Both the perpetrator and the victim come to a compromise to restore their relationship.

Either way, seeking forgiveness involves any implicit or explicit attempt to communicate remorse or restitution following an acknowledged offense (Riek, 2010).

Individuals report more forgiveness-seeking behaviors when they perceive the acts that they have committed to had been more severe when they feel more responsible, experience more rumination (psychology way to say overthinking, basically), and are more committed to the relationship with the victim (Riek, 2014).

The statement that I just explored was shown quite explicitly by Deku and Bakugo’s relationship dynamics.

Though not explicitly stated, as the audience, we received a glimpse of where Deku positioned himself with Bakugo. Deku was already motivated to see himself as Bakugo’s equal since season 1, whereas it took Bakugo longer than that. This was the same when Bakugo expressed his remorse and apology to him. Deku had already forgiven him.

Endeavor himself engaged in forgiveness-seeking behaviors because he realized the grand position as a Hero that he now held. The fact that he is willing to protect the mass but failed to protect his family, in my weeb opinion, began to haunt him. This was even aggravated when Endeavor realized the pain he had caused his oldest son.

Forgiveness for the perpetrator is also a very messy experience.

As I have stated earlier, acknowledging that we may have wronged people and they suffered so much because of it is not a comfortable feeling that we can live with it. The guilt is immense and painful to process, especially when we tend to see ourselves as the sole perpetrator, thus blaming ourselves even more.

In order to acknowledge the fact that we have wronged people, it is important for us to be vulnerable with ourselves. And vulnerability is a very hard thing for us to navigate.

To be vulnerable with ourselves is even harder.

Moreover, according to Elisabeth Xie’s research, forgiveness from victims does not relieve the perpetrators’ guilt; rather, it keeps them distressed. This research suggests that rather than being forgiven by the victims, for the guilt to be alleviated, it is more important to forgive oneself. Even as perpetrators.

At the end of the day, forgiveness, both for victims and perpetrators are a process and a journey. You cannot expect yourself to forgive your abuser, offender, or perpetrator in one go. Take in the process. Focusing on the emotions that followed. And it may be hard.

But what if we cannot bring ourselves to forgive?

It‘s okay too. Remember: people process things differently and at their own pace. Thus if now, if we cannot bring ourselves to forgive people that have wronged us now, then it is better not to force it.

Nonetheless, forgiveness is a great step in order to make ourselves become more mentally healthy. We can exercise this in many ways. Remembering the reason why we choose to forgive or asking forgiveness can help.

In addition, choosing to hope that we will come to terms with it eventually according to our pace, and persevering in learning more about forgiveness might be one of the keys to bringing us peace.

So thank you My Hero Academia, for always reminding me of them.

And I hope it can serve as a reminder for you too.

So, have you picked up My Hero Academia yet?

Anyway, I originally wanted to write My Hero Academia to channel my weeb energy about All Might and the Psychology of A Hero. However, I slipped and this monster essay (which suddenly focused on forgiveness) happened lol :D

(Huge thanks to Kak Riza for being my beta-reader and reviewer ❤, who is also a licensed clinical psychologist!)

Happy World Mental Health Day 2022!

Yes, you see the title. This will be my take on an anime analysis with Family Psychology as my reasoning.

I have always loved discussions about families, and I have wanted to study them for so long; it’s one of the reasons why I got into Psychology in the first place.

Then I began to read Spy x Family when it was only several chapters in, as a friend recommended me on Twitter. I love how they depicted the Forger family and always had a thought at the back of my mind, “Wow! They’re such a lovely (fake) family!”.

It was until Spy x Family was greenlit as anime and was premiered on Netflix that I was suddenly encouraged to try to look into it and elaborate even further.

(Yes, in a way, I wrote this due to peer pressure; however, I also found happiness in writing this kind of stuff, so it is okay).

So, I would like to start with the edited version of the “blood is thicker than water”:

“Blood is Not Always Thicker Than Water”

I once used this phrase when I entered a fiction writing contest in college. I explored themes where two people created a strong bond that could be qualified as family.

Back in the day, the saying “family (as in blood-related) is the most important thing” however; we must also admit that some families misused this saying as rationality to commit abuse and horrendous acts against each other.

I have witnessed several cases and stories where parents dismissed their child’s needs or committed abuse in the name of “family” while bringing it up that “blood is thicker than water.”

However, I found out that the idiom itself was even incorrectly interpreted!

According to the VOA Learning English site, the idiom was derived from “Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” taken from The Bible. It was roughly translated as “bloodshed on the battlefield creates stronger ties than the water of the womb does or family ties.”

So... Which one is the correct one, then?

I believe there is no definitive correct answer regarding if a family is stronger when it is related by blood or not. Then I encountered the trope of “Found Family” or, as people know it,

“Family of Choice.”

As cited from San Diego Writers Ink, Found Family is a trope that refers to a device in literature and media where a group of characters finds themselves united in a family bond based on shared experiences, mutual understanding, and interpersonal connection.

You’re probably familiar with series or movie takes on this, for example, We Are The Millers, or my favorite show, Gintama. It was even seen in Avatar: The Legend of Aang series. Using this trope, as audiences, we can see this specific arrangement can bring a focus on familial love these characters may have otherwise missed into their lives or never experienced.

In addition, rather than the blood ties that may dictate some biological families, found family stories emphasize the connections and communities we choose for ourselves.

Found family resonates deeply for members of disenfranchised communities, such as those in the LGBTQ+ community, who keenly understand that unconditional love comes in all forms, and so do families (Buhbe, 2020).

And this is what happened in our main anime discussion, Spy x Family.

For background, this is the anime’s synopsis as taken from Myanimelist.net:

Corrupt politicians, frenzied nationalists, and other warmongering forces constantly jeopardize the thin veneer of peace between neighboring countries Ostania and Westalis.

In spite of their plots, renowned spy and master of disguise “Twilight” fulfills dangerous missions one after another in the hope that no child will have to experience the horrors of war.

In the bustling Ostanian city of Berlint, Twilight dons the alias of “Loid Forger,” an esteemed psychiatrist. However, his true intention is to gather intelligence on prominent politician Donovan Desmond, who only appears rarely in public at his sons’ school: the prestigious Eden Academy.

Enlisting the help of unmarried city hall clerk Yor Briar to act as his wife and adopting the curious six-year-old orphan Anya as his daughter, Loid enacts his master plan. He will enroll Anya in Eden Academy, where Loid hopes she will excel and give him the opportunity to meet Donovan without arousing suspicion.

Unfortunately for Loid, even a man of his talents has trouble playing the figure of a loving father and husband. And just like Loid is hiding his true identity, Yor — who is an underground assassin known as “Thorn Princess” — and Anya — an esper who can read people’s minds — have no plans to disclose their own secrets either.

Although this picture-perfect family is founded on deception, the Forgers gradually come to understand that the love they share for one another trumps all else.

Besides the exciting synopsis that literally screamed Found Family trope on another level, I have to say that the characters are lovely, too, and all of them are contributing to the fantastic familial dynamics they had.

Characters:

• Twilight/Loid Forger: A super-agent (I guess?) who goes with “Twilight” as his codename and is the “father” of the Forger family. He’s a brilliant, resilient, hyper-rationalized person (as cited by my soon-to-be psychologist friend, Kak Riza). Twilight is a man of a mission and is also a very responsible person. However, he is one of the people who accept his emotions as it is.
• Thorn Princess/Yor Briar/Yor Forger: A shy woman who is also a skilled assassin known as “Thorn Princess.” She is also the “mother figure” of the Forger family. She grew up with her little brother, Yuri, and loved him so much. However, due to his job, which separates them, Yor couldn’t share her love for him directly with Yuri anymore. Nevertheless, You can see how Yor has genuine affection for Anya and channeled them well.
• Anya Forger: The heart of the family who is also an Esper or a mind-reader. She immediately knows all of her “parents” secrets. Due to her love for a particular spy anime, she is excited about being an essential addition to the Forger family. However, she is also very expressive and communicates well with her “parents.”

The Forgers are a fake family. Or… Are they?

Let’s hold that thought as I explain how their dynamics work to explain how the lovely Forger family is a healthy family. But, we need to answer the matter at hand first.

How do you define family precisely?

Family turns out, never had a definitive definition. In general, how a family is defined is influenced by the social and culture of the said unit. However, sociologists are sure that families have been a resilient social unit that has survived for a very long time. I have summarized several definitions that might help you:

• American Psychiatry Association (APA): “a kinship unit consists of a group of individuals united by blood or by marital, adoptive, or other intimate ties. Although the family is the fundamental social unit of most human societies, its form and structure vary widely.”
• Good Therapy: “A family is a group of two or more people who define themselves as related by blood, marriage, or some other bond.”
• UK Essays: “According to Sociologists, the family is an intimate domestic group of people related to one another by bonds of blood, sexual mating, or legal ties. It has been a very resilient social unit that has survived and adapted through time.”
• Desai (1994), as cited in Sonawat defined: “the family as a unit of two or more persons united by marriage, blood, adoption, or consensual union, in general consulting a single household, interacting and communicating with each other.”

To conclude, you can say that in one way or another, The Forgers are maybe not your typical traditional nor conventional family. They are, however, a family though.

Now, we go to why I said that they are a healthy family.

Healthy Family Dynamics

The same as family, there is never a definitive answer of what family can consider being “healthy” in the first place. Sure, there are several common-sense answers. For example, an abusive family is unhealthy dynamics. So, with that in mind, I tried collecting 2 (two) research that defines traits of a healthy family.

The first theory is taken from the North Kingdom Human Services (NKHS) website, cited in Daniel J. Siegel’s The Developing Mind.

“A healthy family is comprised of the same qualities that are necessary for any healthy relationship: Attunement, attachment, tracking and connection.” (NKHS).

Attunement

Daniel J. Siegel defines attunement as the reactiveness we have to another person. It is the crucial process by which we form relationships. NKHS defines attunement in a more straightforward and more family-context way. When you tune in with your family, you put aside all your distractions, have a conversation, and enjoy their company.

For example, in a family, an excellent time to practice attunement with each other, is by eating dinner or breakfast together. Talking over dinner or breakfast can help parents and children to engage in a conversation with each other. And as a whole family unit, it will later allow each person in the family to have a voice and feel valued, which is an essential trait in keeping families bonded together.

Using Spy x Family as our reference, you can see how the Forgers always make time to eat dinner or breakfast together. They sat at the dining table, and sometimes, it helped them communicate with each other and understand each other well.

It was then shown that whenever Anya felt overwhelmed, Yor and Twilight immediately noticed and immediately sheltered her. Or when Anya cried during the interview, Yor and Twilight immediately responded to her distress and validated her emotions. In contrast, the interviewer himself was downplaying Anya’s feelings even though she could be seen distressed.

Attachment

John Bowlby, the person who created the term, defines attachment as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” He defines attachment as the key to a healthy relationship that starts when people are still babies. He then describes four styles of attachment; secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.

However, NKHS defines attachment as being committed to repairing damage to relationships. Being respectful in the face of conflict may create trust and attachment in each other. The more families learn to disagree and compromise and still come together anyway; the healthier attachment could be nurtured.

This dynamic could be significantly seen between Twilight and Anya. During the disagreement that they face, Twilight could be seen trying his best to listen and giving Anya space to voice out her opinions, albeit in a comedic way, like when Anya said that she didn’t want to study. Even if he disagreed with her, he never made Anya feel small about her opinions.

Tracking

NKHS defines tracking as paying attention to the details of what is happening with other members of your family and remembering to ask them about those things. It could be seen as following up after a particularly stressful day and being ready to listen to their complaints or stories for a while.

With tracking comes the ability to encourage emotions rather than discourage them. Tracking can also allow family members to feel attended to, cared for, and considered.

This definition could be easily seen in the scene where everyone who watched the episode w̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶c̶k̶t̶e̶d went ballistic when Eden’s interviewer disregarded Anya’s feelings. At home, Anya apologizes for her crying to Twilight, and he responds that she didn’t do anything wrong, making sure that she wasn’t at fault.

Connection

Healthy families say things every day to make each person feel special (NKHS). It came in varying forms, from building each other up to giving praise. That kind of practice is crucial in a healthy family. Remembering to highlight the qualities that make each person unique is a powerful way to build trust and connection. Talking about what makes your family unique as an individual is also a critical practice to infuse into daily life.

I see this dynamic clearly on Spy x Family’s Forgers. They notice each other and are willing to make each other feel special or needed:

• Yor compliments Anya on her new outfit.
• Anya trying to protect Yor and Twilight’s respective secrets.
• Anya soothes Twilight after a nightmare by gently patting his head.
• Twilight confirms to Yor that she is as an essential figure to Anya, as to him.
• Yor noticed whenever she saw Twilight feeling distressed.

In the manga, there is a chapter where Yor learned to cook for Twilight and Anya because she can’t cook at all. At first, Twilight and Anya were cautious about their meal. However, when they found out it was edible and delicious, they immediately praised her. We cannot also overlook how Yor and Twilight played with Anya after returning from school, as depicted in the ending song. Which. I. Love. So. Much.

Phylis Lan Lin’s Six Characteristics of a Healthy Family

Another research that I will cover is Lin’s research from 2004. He explained in his paper the characteristics of a healthy family and chose examples from the Asian-centric family.

Commitment

When family members have opportunities to participate in goal-setting and the implementation of family goals, those family members are interacting, coordinating, and working together as a team (Lin, 2004). Lin (2004) also stated that every successful family must make certain investments in time, energy, and compassion for each other.

It could be seen when they try to make Anya enter Eden Academy. While it is also Twilight’s primary mission, it could be seen how Twilight, Yor, and Anya herself voluntarily commit to it. There is no coercion whatsoever, and they are committed to working as a team.

Togetherness

In his paper, Lin (2004) described that a professor asked 1,500 children about what they think a happy family is. Interestingly, the children did not list money, a car, or a big house. They answered with the family spending time together in such activities as playing games, taking family vacations, or celebrating birthdays.

In Spy x Family, we could see how they built their togetherness by eating dinner together, going out on a family outing, making decisions together to adopt Bond, and even dedicated a vacation arc, which helped them bond as a family.

Appreciation

Lin (2004) explained that many studies had shown a high degree of mutual admiration and appreciation between members of healthy families. For example, when parents kiss their children good night, it subtly says, “You have been a good kid, and we love you very much.” to the child. It gave the child affirmation and reassurance of their good behavior during the day.

In Spy x Family, it could be seen since Episode 1, when Anya passed the test and Twilight expressed his appreciation and joy by lifting her up and praising her hard work! He gave her validation about her hard work joyfully, and Anya received that appreciation kindly.

Good communication

Lin (2004) expressed that good communication creates a sense of belonging, reduces frustration, and enhances marital and any human relations. As a person, good communication skills and becoming a good listener are fundamental skills. Sure, it takes practice to be a great listener and communicator, but this is crucial in family life education. Which later encourages all family members to express their emotions and feelings to each other freely.

Good communication does not only entail delivering the message, it also entails responding to a message. It includes verbal and nonverbal messages.

The difference between a healthy and unhealthy family is that the former’s solution to the conflict is not to back the other into the corner. They would use creative or constructive solutions to their conflict (Lin, 2004).

Healthy communication is the key to EVERYTHING. However, I would like to highlight Twilight’s responsiveness toward Anya’s needs and how he went his way to help her with them. As I have been saying, Twilight has created a very healthy atmosphere that encourages Anya and Yor to communicate their worry and opinion freely without being scrutinized or invalidated by Twilight himself. I mean, sure, they have some setbacks, but what family didn’t?

Spiritual Well-Being

Healthy families stress spiritual well-being and work toward a common mission (Lin, 2004). According to the paper, healthy families know their family’s mission, values, what they are all about, and their reason for being. In addition, they can also put their moral values into action.

To be honest, I haven’t seen this point being visible in The Forgers dynamics. However, it could be safely assumed that they all have the same value, though a bit twisted, to make Anya happy and succeed in her studies. Anya herself dedicated herself to studying so Twilight’s mission could succeed and peace within the world could be achieved. But I could be wrong.

Coping with crisis and stress.

I always say that crisis and stress are typical in life. It is also normal to see it in families. Lin (2004) wrote that healthy families might also face many problems.

The main difference is that members of healthy families can face reality and creatively, systematically, and rationally overcome crises together. In certain difficult times, family members must depend on each other’s mutual trust and interdependence (Lin, 2004).

This is something that I think became a running gag of the series because Twilight is indeed a very independent, aloof superspy, but due to the lack of control he has over his adopted daughter, Twilight is somewhat “forced” to put his trust in Anya. He had a rough time with it. However, he slowly adapted and just accepts.

There aren’t any arcs that describe them deliberately coping with stress together, but it could be seen when Anya was not accepted into Eden. They were stressed out, but they tried to do it together as a family.

After the two research I present, as well as the elaboration with Spy x Family as the references, I would also like to list the last two critical things that can make a family healthy:

1. Responsibility

Creating a family is not an easy task, and so does maintaining it. Sometimes, all we see is how to create a family or build a family; little that it talks about how to keep one. Thus, we need to be responsible for it too. We need to be responsible while creating it and maintaining it.

I mentioned earlier that Twilight is a very responsible man. I believe that his responsibility is one of the reasons he was able to create and maintain the healthy Forger family, not just from the outside perspective but also from the insider perspective.

2. Voluntary Act

While writing this article, I began to build a belief that we cannot force a family bond. What makes a family healthy and strong is how the family members voluntarily act to be active and responsible for being involved in the said family.

This is also what we see in the Forgers. Though initially reluctant, Twilight’s involuntary act of creating the family became a voluntary one. He adopted Anya and voluntarily borrowed books about parenting and children to become a Father. Though also reluctant at first, Twilight asked Yor to be the Mother, and eventually, he grew accustomed to Yor’s presence in the family.

These two last aspects complement each other, and for me, it is the answer to the “why do these three exhibit a more familial aura than other people who have a blood-relation family?” question.

With this essay flushed out, I can say for certain that the Forgers are a healthy and one of the wholesomest families that I have seen for a while from anime that I have watched.

Sure the intention is to create a fake family to succeed in a mission. However, the feelings and affection they have for each other are real and pure.

After all, I don’t think fake families exist. However, I believe that found family does exist and their love is genuine.

Do you agree with me? or Nah? Let me know.

Belle tells a story about a timid yet loved to sing teenager named Suzu. When she was little, Suzu’s mother died saving a young child from being drowned in the river and left Suzu all alone. Her death made singing seem so hard for Suzu since it was her mother who taught her love for music, Suzu was shown to suffer some aversive reactions when she tried to sing.

She found solace when she found out about the virtual reality, U. She takes on an internet persona named Belle and found out that she could sing her fullest when she was in U and as Belle. Little that she knew, she immediately became an internet-famous in U for her singing talent and capabilities.

During one of her concerts, a monster name “Beast” wrecked chaos at her concert. However, instead of being furious, Suzu was intrigued to learn about the Beast a little more. She was determined to learn who the “Beast” really is and what are their secrets they hold that they committed things like that.

Through the story of stunning visuals, a heart-wrenching performance delivered through detailed animation and powerful shots, and a hauntingly beautiful singing voice by Nakamura Kaho; Belle delivered a powerful cinematic experience. And how it focused on my area of interest, which is adolescent development and internet behavior.

Depiction of Childhood Trauma as Secrets in Belle

“Everyone have secrets that they kept inside of them”

The concept of “secrets” is being held closely in this movie, especially in Suzu. Suzu’s secret is that she is still grieving for the accident that took her mother’s life. She felt enormous anger, sadness, and trauma which even affected her ability to sing.

This secret of hers even gave an effect on her relationship with his father and her late mother’s memory. Suzu and her father became very distant, both physically and emotionally while Suzu finds it difficult for her to sing, even puking at the thought of her singing freely.

At the beginning of the movie, we saw small Suzu spending time with her mother, laughing and goofing around together without a care for the world. We also see how her mother is the one who introduced her to the world of music and singing and it made Suzu fall in love with singing and music itself.

However, due to witnessing her mother disappeared in front of her and the slow realization that she was abandoned (that time), Suzu began having complicated yet aversive reactions to everything that her mother taught her to love.

When we talk about childhood trauma, we must also take into consideration that childhood trauma may affect and manifest in children in different ways.

However, research shows that childhood trauma can disrupt brain development as they grew up, finally reaching the adolescent stage. Brain development is crucial for adolescent development itself. The brain is designed to help us to strategize how we live our lives and when it learned uncomfortable strategies due to trauma that the teenager lived as a child, it may manifest differently. As for how NACAC explained on their website:

Trauma, abuse, neglect, major life transitions, and other past experiences or environments contribute to how the brain develops during the crucial period, as the brain calls upon familiar behaviors or frequently used parts of the brain to determine what areas of the brain to strengthen and what areas to weaken in this mental “growth spurt.”

This weakened part of the mental “growth spurt” would make the teenager with a history of childhood trauma developed an inability to cope or process their emotions successfully. In the movie itself, we clearly see in Suzu was shown as highly anxious, easily panicked, and even screamed so loud when she was asked to sing in a karaoke alongside her friends because she was feeling overwhelmed.

However, Suzu was still shown to have supportive people around her, like Hiro, her best friend; Shinobu, her protective childhood friend; and the choir ladies who took Suzu under their wing; and even her father and the family dog. Psychologists and mental health practitioners alike called it a protective factor of childhood trauma, which could help the children to effectively cope with their trauma. It did help Suzu to sort of maintain her daily life but it still is not enough.

Suzu was shown feeling even more lonely when she reached her teenage years. She had no one to share this heavy secret that was filled with his childhood trauma with and she even lost connection with the one thing that she loved the most, singing and music until she was introduced to the virtual world of U.

How Internet helped Suzu to Understand, Accept, and Forgive

As someone who grew up with the internet in my teenage year until now, Mamoru Hosoda’s take on describing how a teenager, Suzu, would navigate to find herself as an internet persona hits too close to home for me. All because I was also that teenager years ago.

(I didn’t become an internet persona famous but having an internet persona certainly helped me to cope with every problem that I have as a teenager).

The Internet had helped and assisted me to connect with people with the same struggle I had when I was a teenager. I was connected with a bunch of wonderful people who like animes and mangas. I was alone, yes, but I did never feel “alone”, alone.

As humans, we can’t heal in isolation, we weren’t just programmed that way. We strive and thrive better when we are together when we have people and meaningful connections with us and that connection itself are what drives us to be “whole”.

Throughout most of the movies that he directed (especially in Summer Wars), Mamoru Hosoda has ways of portraying the Internet with a positive lens. His characters, usually high school students, maneuvered on the Internet, and through their journey, they slowly find what they are searching for. He admitted that he might be the only person who painted the Internet and social media in a positive light.

Personally, I think it’s a refreshing take than the realistic take about the Internet and social media, which usually explored their bad side and aspects (The Tinder Swindler documentary did not help). And yes, Internet has tons of bad things, such as scamming, phishing, identity theft, and even depression.

However, the Internet and social media still have their great sides, such as assisting us to connect with everyone all around the world and especially in Belle, how it could help us connect with love, empathy, and humanity; ultimately helping someone in need.

This particular moment was shown prominently in this movie as Suzu/Belle’s huge intention to connect with the Beast. Suzu used to spend a lot of time of her time alone and distanced herself from the people around her. However, slowly she began to understand and open herself towards everyone, to trying to learn the Beast’s identity after learning that the Beast looked like he needed help; and it was particularly shown when she talked about Ruka, a beautiful girl who confides to her about her crush.

Besides helping others, Belle also depicts when the Internet helped Suzu to fully accept herself for she really is. A country bumpkin Suzu who loves to sing, not just as Belle, the ultimate Internet Persona.

Ultimately, Suzu’s found out that her wanting to help Beast does not stem from her wanting to do a good deed as a famous Internet Persona, but she really wants to connect and help Beast as Suzu. As her own self.

Sure the movie teased about some romantic involvement, such as Suzu’s cute teenager crush with Shinobu or Beast’s affection with Belle but I don’t think that romantic relationship is the core of this beautiful movie.

At the end of the day, this is a story of Suzu who is trying to discover her true self without hiding behind “Belle”. This is a story of Suzu learning about forgiveness, as she slowly understands what her mother went through when she disappeared in front of her and began to forgive.

Yesterday, I watched Cinema Therapy’s reactions to the movie “Encanto” (best movie of 2021 hands down) and I recount the line: “Forgiveness can start from our willingness to shift our perspective with the goal of understanding. Sure, it will never justify their actions and how they used to hurt us, but it can help us to understand and ultimately, forgive them.”

During that particular scene, (you know, the tear-jerking scene), we slowly see as Suzu shifted her perspective and began to slowly understand everything during the day that her mother left her. Later in the epilogue, we could see that Suzu is depicted to be more carefree as she happily chats with everyone with a wide grin, and ultimately, accept the request of singing together with her friends as Suzu.

In a way, Belle is indeed a love story. But it wasn’t your classic romance story or the Beauty and the Beast story, nor a love story of Suzu with Shinobu.

Ultimately, “Belle” is a love story between Suzu and her own self

Anyway, you can watch Belle on Netflix now!

So if you’re finished reading and you haven’t watched Belle: Go watch it. Now. I cannot guarantee that you will like it as much as I do, but I can guarantee you that you are going to have a really amazing time.

Hi, um, so I just spent last weekend rewatching almost every episodes of Free franchise (you know, the reason you’re here in the first place). I really miss the infamous Kyoto Animation’s swimming anime and it was then the spiraling and binge-watching episodes started.

So, to respond this brain rot spiraling and to accompany my 24/7 feelings how badly I want to court Yamazaki Sousuke, I decided to direct half of my brain rot spiraling energy into writing a “4 life lessons that you can take from Free!”.

I spent my teenage days with Free so I feel sentimental every time I picked up this anime again. I feel like I have this huge bond with them since these handsome, 2D swimmer boys were there with me since my high school days.

The first season aired when I was in my sophomore year in high school, Eternal Summer (2nd season) was aired when I was a senior, and Dive to The Future (3rd season) aired when I was a junior in college. The airing time was so in-sync with my real life that it just strengthened the connection I have with this series even more.

This is one of the series that would take me back when I was younger and I could enjoy them as if I was watching them for the first time. So, props to Kyoto Animation team and the Free! Committee for making them!

In this article, I will also be covering some spoilers from the 2nd season onward, including the OVA and recap movies. If you enjoyed this franchise, I suggest that you also watched the OVAs and recap movies since they have a lot of bonus content and storyline! So, without further notice, here we go!

1. Its okay if you’re taking extra time to know what you want to do in life

My favorite scene from this entire franchise had to be when Haru and Makoto had a big blown fight in the Eternal Summer. I mean sure yeah, it hurts in the feels to witness the two bestest friends had their first, big fight. However, I have to say that their fight was very-well needed and it was very, very realistic.

All Nanase Haruka want is to just spend his entire time swimming, which is something he’s very good at. He wrote that he wanted to do “free” in his career path questionnaire, he didn’t care much about time when he swim, about winning, or about the opponents (except when he was racing Matsuoka Rin). Haru himself thought he was very content with that only. Or so he thought.

However, as he approaches his high school graduation, he was “forced” to know what he’s going to when he graduates. The pressure was even more intense during the qualifiers where he was approached by several university scouts and was heavily praised by the principal, saying that he was one of the school’s greatest pride.

Of course, this made him greatly uncomfortable, since all what Haru want is to swim for himself, not others. The pressure was too huge that at one point he even sabotaged his 100 meter regional race by stopping at the middle of pool.

This prompted him to have a huge argument with Rin, as Rin was frustrated why Haru would pulled that kind of stunt in a middle of an important match. When Rin asked angirly, what Haru dream was or what wanted to do in life, at one point Haru screamed out this line:

“What dream? What future? It’s you who cares about all of that! I‘m not like you! I don’t care any of that!” — Haruka Nanase (Free!)

It was until Makoto stated that he’s worried that Haru would be confused without any dream nor goal that made Haru even more distressed. This itself has already affected his overall and team’s performance. Deep down, Haru knew about that he himself wanted to have a dream or goal to achieve, yet the truth is, it is not easy to be attained.

And yes, finding dreams are hard and it is not as easy as “find your dreams!”

It also involves investing your energy into things that are still unknown, betting in yourself that it will turn well, along with the never-ending doubts playing whether you made a good choice or not.

When Makoto stated that he’s going to go to college in Tokyo, this made Haru loss at words. Makoto, who was described as someone who knew Haru inside-out and possibly, one of the person who helped him to be grounded, will leave him. At one point, Haru was silently frustrated on being left behind.

Haru was eventually asked by Rin to accompany him to Sydney, Australia. In a very spontaneous trip, Rin took him sightseeing to places that involves competitive swimming. Rin asked Haru whether he wanted to swim together with athletes and Haru was reluctant at first. However, he and Rin then walked into the swimming pool with confidence, as if challenging the fellow Australian athlete swimmers for a race.

This was when Haru finally reached an epiphany that he wanted to keep on swimming in a more competitive context. He decided to be more aware of his time and investing his time in growing stronger fitting for a competition context.

As I mentioned earlier, I watched Eternal Summer when I was a senior in High School, just like Haru. So, I really relate with what he was going through. The pressure to find a dream, to already know what you want in life, and all. I have to say that the conflict was portrayed really, really well.

Haru was feeling frustrated feeling left behind whilst his peers already know what they want to do after graduation and we may know what it felt like back then. In the end Haru still feel a bit reluctant to pursuing this competitive swimming path 100%, however he was determined to try his best to be really good at it.

However, when watching Haru slowly realizing what he wanted, I notice that the takeaway from Haru’s story is:

Finding what you want in life could be a messy experience. It will take a lot of time, energy, and effort. However it will give you an end goal that fits you so much and sometimes, it will be something you might never have considered before.

There are stuffs that could be found when you invest more time and energy in it, and stuffs that could only be found when you are willing to experience them firsthand, like what Haru did. Sometimes, you also needed someone to help you out on finding them out.

So, if you’re still unsure what to do, take a deep breath, and try kneading them slowly.

2. It’s normal to sometimes questioning the road that you were pursuing

The second one are still tied with the dream and finding what you want in life; but this time comes out from Makoto’s story. To be honest, I didn’t really like it at first, but then I experienced this dilemma myself and I found out it to be incredibly realistic.

Since the beginning, Makoto loved swimming very much, yet he couldn’t see himself pursuing competitive swimming after graduating high school. Then, Makoto found himself helping out Coach Sasabe on his swimming pool. He also began to learn how fun and fulfilling it could be teaching children how to swim through Hayato, Kisumi’s little brother. As a person, Makoto was already a caring, empathetic individual who’s great with children so it kinda made sense that he began to took huge interested in teaching children. In the end, he decided that studying sports education in an university in Tokyo.

By the time Dive to The Future rolls around, Makoto succeeded in getting into the Sports Education as a freshman and took a part-time job as a swimming teacher. However, he also find himself feeling confused and a bit in a dilemma. Makoto knew that he really like teaching children how to swim and the fun aspect of it, he felt like he wanted to do more.

One of the reason this dilemma appeared is because he spent a lot of time with Haru, Rin, Ikuya, Hiyori, and Asahi; his friends who took part in competitive swimming.

Well, he didn’t questioned it per se, but he did have second thoughts whether all he wanted to do is teaching children only or is there something else. The feeling became even more bigger when he met Misaki, a child hat he was teaching at the beginning of the OVA along with Haru, in order to assisted him winning a match against his rival.

When Misaki was feeling confused and anxious, Makoto would talked him out and calmed him down. Something that Serizawa Nao, his ex-upperclassman, take notice.

Makoto told about his dilemma to Nao as well and Nao, who used to be in the same situation as Makoto, asked him whether or not Makoto was interested in becoming an athletic trainer. Nao tried to point out that Makoto really cared for other’s well-being and performance, this being seen when he interacted with Misaki. Nao also said that Makoto seemed like someone who would try to bring out the best out of the swimmer, and is also willing to engaged emotionally with the athletes, along with motivating them. The takeaway that I could take is this:

It’s totally understandable to sometimes questioning whether or not you are pursuing the right track. It’s a sign telling us that we’re currently growing as a person.

As a human, we are continuously growing and developing ourselves.

We may learn new values and perspective as we meet new people, exposed ourselves to new problems and relationships, and experiencing something first-handed that may shifted or widened our perspective and understanding.

I experienced it once when I graduated with a degree in Psychology. Back then, I knew that all I wanted was teaching and doing intervention on children. However, it suddenly shifted as I found interacting with adults and helping them process their emotions and problems to be more fulfilling.

I used to think of it as a bad idea, however I was told that it is not necessarily a bad thing. I was then told that questioning the road that you pursued are normal and that is the reason why we must accepted that it could happen to us. Makoto encouraged himself to try learning more about what being Athletic Trainer really is and tried to widened his perspective about the definition of “support” that he could give to fellow athletes.

So, instead of rejecting the thoughts, try to navigate on why do I questioned it?

You can also try asking questions: What stuffs that happened to me recently? What are the things that I experienced lately? How long have this thought lasted on my head? to yourself. Try to write it down though as it could help you to navigate around it better, rather than trapping you in a never-ending rumination process.

3. Frustration is a Valid Emotion.

This one is also from the Eternal Summer franchise. (Yes, I love Eternal Summer with my whole heart). So this time, it’s about Yamazaki Sousuke, Rin’s best friend.

Sousuke was a very gifted swimmer and was destined to achieve high feat in swimming. He had the perfect swimmer body built, he’s one of the top 10 fastest Butterfly swimmers in the country, he knew the right techniques that worked for him in accelerating during race, and was accepted in one of Tokyo’s prestigious swimming school before transferring to Samezuka High on his 3rd year.

He had everything within his grasp but then, he lost them all.

Due to overtraining and repetitive use of his shoulder, Sousuke injured his right shoulder. It was so bad that he was diagnosed he couldn’t swim without damaging his shoulder much longer. He even need a surgery and tons of rehabilitation to go through in order to swim properly again.

Sousuke was visibly distressed, as he should be. He was really good at swimming and it was everything for him, yet he was forced to stop doing in order not to damage his shoulder even further. In the end, he eventually come to a conclusion to quit swimming altogether.

Frustration is an emotion that was breed through a gap between expectation and reality. And you’re there, trying to close off the gap with no avail.

Sousuke poured his time, energy, emotions, and soul to becoming a swimming athlete yet he received an injury. It would be totally weird if he feel glad or happy about it, the mathematics doesn’t added up. So, it is normal to feel frustration about it.

However, there are a lot of things to navigate through frustration instead of letting yourself to self-destruct (just, WHY, Sousuke). You can take a step back and breathe. Calm yourself down and try to look things in different perspective. When the matter was more serious, it could take more time to try navigating through the frustration, along with other ugly emotions, before reaching a conclusion on what you’re going to do.

I do think the Sousuke’s storyline was good and it wrapped the “medley relay is a support system” kind of feel that was keep being brought on as the franchise evolves. I also adore how through the relay, he eventually found himself that he loved swimming too much to just quit it altogether.

He remembered his dream again, before finally feeling content that he needed more time to make his dream come true. Truthfully, I just really want to give that huge boy a hug :(

4. Cherish your bonds!

One of Free’s running theme through the year is “the bond that you make, will last through life” and honestly, even though it was cliche, I really like the theme. The medley relay team bond of Haru-Makoto-Nagisa-Rin; Haru-Makoto-Ikuya-Asahi; Rin-Sousuke-Nitori-Momo; and Haru-Makoto-Nagisa-Rei was potrayed as equally strong, no matter how long years have passed.

However, the strong bond that they have with them didn’t stop the boys with creating even more bonds with new characters. It just warmed my heart whenever the finale episode rolled out and KyoAni would give us these get-together super cute photograph of all the main cast in one frame.

And it’s true!

Bonds are tricky, since for some people it was really easy to create yet hard to maintain; while for some people it was the vice versa. However, one thing that we could know for sure is that,

We all need bonds and connections with other people.

While we cannot entirely sure that all of the bonds and connections we make with everyone that we’ve met in our course in life to be better and everlasting, we can try to make sure to cherish the ones that are with us right now.

Some bonds could be severed or destroyed if you or the person chose to do so, and it’s fine. There are a lot of valid reasons to end a relationship, especially if that relationship is not healthy for the two of you. However, if the two of you really wanted to, you can build the bond back together again.

Just like how Haru and Rin tried to do together during the first season, or how Haru and Ikuya tried to patch things up in Dive to The Future.

You can patch things up a rough-up-patch bond like the one Haru and Sousuke had. The two of them didn’t start with a very nice start, with Sousuke had an explosive argument with Haru during their junior high school days, yet they managed to patch things up during the survival game in Samezuka’s culture festival.

It was a little awkward to witness at first, with them arguing on how to strategize. Yet you can see how both of them tried to give their best and conscious effort to become friends, and the OVA ended with Haru calling Sousuke with first-name basis, as opposed to calling him with his family name, Yamazaki. Sousuke was surprised but immediately followed suit, calling Haru with his first name.

In the end, you have the power to choose whether or not to cherish the bond that you’ve make throughout your life.

If the bond and relationship that you created are healthy and are good for you, why not investing your energy and time to cherish them?

Ask them out on a spontaneous outing, send kind messages or meme that remind you of them, hug them when you could, and just, appreciate the bond that you all created and maintained together. You deserved that and I hope you found people who will cherish you with everything they’ve got.

It’s World Mental Health Week, so I hope you can also cherish your mental health too ❤

Stay healthy, safe, and sane everybody!

I love anime so much that I am pretty sure it has became a part of my identity. A part of “oh this is Andin!” kind of thing. A lot of the close people in my life told me that too. A lot of them would tell that I couldn’t go a week without spamming my social media accounts with the current anime or mangas that I followed. They knew.

However, it was not used to be this way, especially when I was still a teenager. I grew up during a time where everyone was very judgemental to people who like anime. Nowadays, I understand why everyone was pretty judging about my liking towards anime.

Animes used to have a really bad rep back then.

My first manga was Detective Conan when I was in kindergarten. Yes, I grew up reading several Conan’s murder cases because my older brother loves to read them. It was then developed when Detective Conan and Naruto began to taking over the Indonesian television channel. Detective Conan aired at 9 AM every Sunday morning whilst Naruto aired at 6 PM every weekdays on Global TV.

I remember having so much fun watching them. Until, the news started to rolling out.

People who liked anime during the late 2000s probably have heard the news about children choking each other, punching each other, or got into this huge fight because “they watched too many Naruto episodes”. Parents and school began to ban the children from watching Naruto and other anime alike. At one point, I feel really embarrassed and shame when admitting that I still borrowed Naruto comics from a library near my school or drawing any anime-like arts.

I used to feel like a weird kid who didn’t know how to talk to other people; and anime, I think, was one of the reason why.

(Turns out, it wasn’t anime’s fault. I just have a pretty severe anxiety issues when I was a child, or maybe that’s just how I felt back then).

My Experiences with Anxiety Issues as A Teenager

The anxiety grew worse when I entered junior high school. As a teenager who is highly self-conscious about her appearance and who also had a traumatic experience on being exiled by her classmates during elementary school; I was very, very closed off about my liking with anime. I now realized that this created a terrible dilemma for me.

Teenagers, especially female, had this overwhelming need to fit with their peer groups, yet they also have this incredible need to be noticed and explored themselves. I wanted to fit in with my classmates so much, however it pained me so much that I have the need to hide the fact that I liked anime to them. I didn’t feel like myself back then.

The situation stayed for a month or so until I met my desk mate who introduced herself to me and said that she liked reading Pucca on her down time. I was then also introduced to several classmates who like anime as well. Most of them are girls and one even taught me to improve my drawing skills.

However, my junior high school clique was very closed off, often times also we were made fun of by other students. It definitely hurts back then but I kinda understand the reason why other students did that, even though I sure do hope that tradition had died down.

Additionally, I was also closed off to other people except my clique. I didn’t know how to communicate with people without feeling my breath hitches on my throat thinking that they would ridiculed me because I like anime or shortness of breath after thinking that they would judged me so hard after knowing that I liked anime.

(Yes, it was that bad.)

I would also heard bad and awful stories about people who stated that they like anime. Stories about how they would be ostracized by their friends and community, how they would get bullied by other people and was told that it’s really weird for them to liking them. The stories scared the shit out of me and I tried so hard not to show that side of myself openly.

I would hear the new music in radio that my older brother used to play when we drove to school in an attempt to soothe myself so I can engage with my other friends and classmates as well. Back then, it honestly felt like a chore because I remember forcing myself to even like the music that I normally didn’t like. But the thought that liking anime was for loser stuck at the back of my head and the thought of that when people realizing that I was one, scared the living hell out of me and it outweighs everything.

However, at the same time, I discovered *sparkle* INTERNET *sparkle*. Yes, I made my twitter account when I was 13 years old and was immediately greeted by so many people who had the same interest like me.

Internet

Being a 13 year old in internet, especially twitter in 2010, is not recommended. However, I did met a lot of kind people there. People that I have parted ways, that have left the internet, and people who stayed until now (and a small portion of them are now one of my close friends). From here and on, I learn to began accept myself because there are people who are like me. Who like the same things like me, whose head are probably 70% anime materials back then. It helped a lot.

So, if you’re wondering why I am so in touch with the internet and social media (and even worked on the social media division in my company), it’s because I basically grew up in the internet.

The anxiety of people knowing that I love anime and would leave me in a heartbeat; sizzles down as I entered high school. I parted ways with most of my close friends in junior high but I met several of my best friends (until now) in high school. Two of them, didn’t even like anime but they stayed friends with me.

The Growth of Anime

In 2012, the internet anime community was fuzzing about this particular sports anime: Kuroko no Basket. It was such a huge thing that I met and connected with so many talented people in the internet. Some even stayed in contact and I have met in real life also.

It was then followed by the mega-hit-yes-I-watched-it-when-the-first-episode-aired, Attack on Titan. My classmates at school watched it and began asking me about spoilers. They would gushed and complained about their characters to me.

That was the first time in my whole life that I feel safe about my identity as someone who liked anime.

Not only in the internet community but also in my real-life community as well.

Another moment was when I was in my senior year of high school. Haikyuu!’s anime just came out and my friend and I would sneak to watch some new episodes during lunch time together. I remember feeling very anxious when some of the boys came out to me and noticing that I was watching an anime. Some of them did the, “Weeyy nonton apaan tuh” “Wiiihh voli” which I found incredibly annoying and anxiety-inducing back then; but I paid no attention.

At one point, my friend and I were too engrossed with the episode when there was a sudden, collective scream behind us. This made both of us jumped from our seat and realizing that four of our classmates were watching with us the entire time. They complained and asked me to back up the episode, even told me to put in on speaker because they were curious. I remember feeling amused. The four classmates watched my laptop, watched anime characters running around chasing a volleyball, engrossed and didn’t make a snide comment about it.

“Oh.” I remember as the realization slowly formed inside my head. “They don’t find watching anime weird.”

College however was when everything, everything, really take off.

University Days and Self-Acceptance

A short version: there was a Japanese club in my Psychology department. I was the President there for a year.

Longer version: I was somehow dubbed as someone who knew her ways and recommendations with anime by most of my batchmates. Even during our first year. A friend of mine even said, “you looked like someone who like to watch anime” when we talked about our first impressions. I remember laughing it off.

I joined the Japanese club and became a very active member there. There weren’t that many kids who joined but it was enough for me. For me, it was another place beside the internet where I feel comfortable about my identity as someone who likes anime. I was given a real-life community to interact. To talk about anime and mangas that I like without having to logging in Twitter. I also can talk about my college stuffs and problems with them. It was honestly one of the reason why I enjoyed my college days so much.

Slowly but surely, I managed to plant my identity firmly that I like anime.

The anxiety that I used to have as a teenager back then slowly diminished. I had a community where I could feel safe about my liking towards anime and amazing friends, most of them didn’t joined the Japanese club, but is willing to accept and befriend me for who I am.

I started writing content about my favorite anime, manga, and analyze them from a psychological perspective. One of the student council member liked it and asked me if I was willing to write one for their website. It boosted my confidence and I started to write more and more stuffs. (Some, sadly, never made to publicity hehe).

My mother never complained again about me watching anime like she used to back then. When she knew that I learned so much biology from Cells At Work in comparison to my biology at school, she even reprimanded my father who made a comment. I remember her saying, “Let her be! She’s finally learning biology! She used to have her tests retake in high school!”

(I did learn a lot from Cells At Work and I also remember the horror in my mother’s face when I told her I learn that sneezes carry germs from this.)

Here, I began noticing the anime growth as an industry. Especially when Makoto Shinkai’s Kimi no Na Wa or Your Name aired in the Indonesia cinemas. I already watched it when the movie hit the cinemas and had told some of my friends in the Japanese club to watch them. What I didn’t expect however, was the messages that I got from several of my friends, most of them are not in Japanese club whatsoever, complaining that Ki mi no Na Wa was so good that they cried and they began to ask what kind of movies that they can watch to feel like that again.

It grew even bigger from then. I listened to stories on some of my college friends asking me for my HDD so they can copy some of my collections, approaching me to ask anime recommendations, and eventually, some even praised me for my success on balancing college life and catching up animes that I like (spoiler: I did not actually).

One of the highest peak when I was approached and was asked to write an article about Carl Jung’s personality theory based on Persona 5 and was even got offered a job. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, one of them are being so proud, that at that moment, I honestly didn’t know how to react.

It was also the moment where I realize, “oh, I can channel my love for anime, my love for psychology, and my love for writing; and then I just, write them down.”

The external validation at one point was so intense that I think it contributed to one of the reasons my self-esteem was gradually grew and eventually, I feel okay with my identity as someone who like anime.

Now, at 24 year old, I feel really comfortable of myself and the fact that I greatly enjoy anime. The bigger communities began to accept that animes are something worthwhile, easier access for contents, and everyone right now are familiar that some animes are worth of their time.

I also think that growing up and adulting also contribute to this aspect. I used to only since I only wanted to watch anime, nothing more. Yet, as I got older, interacted with many kind of people helped me to shift that perspective. I started to pick up other kind of entertainments too, like US television series and even K-pop. And it felt different than back then. I pick up those things for myself, not for the notion on being accepted in a group.

I began to consume those media because they make me happy and eventually, they make me feel like “Andin” whole-heartedly.

Nowadays, long have gone the days of constant anxieties about whether or not people find it weird that I like anime. I know and I accept that may weirded people out and it’s okay. It’s just the way I am now.

However, if you asked what will I do if that identity stripped away from me, I honestly could not answer. I think I may be shaken and shocked for a while, however, I think I would eventually, get back up again.

Thank you for reading this terrible ramble and a self-reminder letter that I wrote to myself. I hope in a way or another, you also could find a way to accept yourself as a whole.

Happy World’s Mental Health Day, people.