When people talk about forgiveness, the focus is often on the victims and survivors of grave injustice — how forgiving their abuser or oppressor will benefit their mental health or improve their relationship with God, and never about how the abuser should pay for the pain they have caused.

Forgiveness is a concept I do not fully understand, especially with the way society defines it for oppressed and abused people. Religion and culture often encourage people who have been irreparably hurt to ‘forgive’ (which often includes reconciliation) so that peace can reign. Thereby enabling the system of abuse that never gets addressed.

I once made a controversial statement that “You do not have to forgive your abuser to heal,” and some people disagreed with me. What I meant by this is that, forgiveness as we know it in some religious and traditional spaces, shouldn’t be your first step in healing.

You cannot forgive what you do not acknowledge and process. Forgiving what you’ve not acknowledged is just you suppressing your pain and anger which often leads to autoimmune disorders according to recent studies.

I’d be expanding more on my logic on forgiveness using the book – The Wellspring Tetralogy by Precious Osikha.

Maya’s Story

The Wellspring Tetralogy is a 4-in-1 series that explores multiple genres and themes. It’s a historical fiction with elements of fantasy, political thriller, and forbidden romance genres. Its main themes include: oppression and rebellion, revenge, forbidden love and destiny, Identity and legacy, and social justice.

It starts with the story of Maya, a girl from Gwemaru, who was captured as a slave and taken to the Hamazar palace. She grew to survive in the palace as she served in her place of choice — the kitchen. Everything was fine until she discovered that the stranger she had fallen in love with outside the palace was none other than the beloved Prince of Hamazar Palace, Khari.

Their love was an abomination. The result of their relationship would eventually add to the fraying familial bond of the royal members. And she never forgave the other prince, Dankari, for what he did to her mother.

The concept of forgiveness is not explicitly mentioned in this tetralogy. However, you would find threads of it across the four books that weave into the exquisite revenge plotted by Maya.

I remember when I first read book 1 and 2 earlier this year, I was frustrated at Khari and Maya’s lacklustre attitude toward the harm and ill-treatment they received from rival members of the royal family.

Many years had passed and Khari was no longer interested in the throne while Maya had given up on her desire for revenge. They had let go of the pain or so they thought, until they went back to the palace. They realized that the people they had “forgiven” were unrelenting in their plans to destroy them.

When you forgive people who have harmed you in ways that could kill you, you have laid down your life at their feet for them to trample on as they please. You’d be taken for a fool with no self-preservation instincts, therefore, an easy prey.

I loved the intricate dance of power in this book, how the oppressed strategically rose from the ashes of agony to a seat of dominance, wielding their sword of revenge in ways many never saw coming.

And when Habiba, Maya’s friend, suggested she have some mercy on those who had traumatized and humiliated her, I gasped at the implication of her words. I wondered what Maya would have done to her if not for the philia love they shared. Because, why would anyone want to stand in the way of an angry woman on a mission to destroy her enemies?

Maya was no longer the helpless slave girl captured from her hometown. She had grown into a powerful woman whose presence shook even the fiercest of men, and whose tremendous influence raised a formidable army of women.

The Cost of Premature Forgiveness

Fiction is beautiful in a lot of ways. But the way it lulls us into a safe haven and cosplay reality in a way that makes us live out fantasies we never knew we imagined is probably the most poignant beauty there is. This book might seem far removed from our reality, but the dynamics it depicts are painfully familiar to our world.

Sometimes I imagine how this story would have played out if it was set in a modern, religious society like Nigeria. The rival royal members may have invited some respectable religious leaders to preach to Khari and Maya to accept their insincere trite apologies and forgive the people who were after their lives. After-all they are all related and family will always be family no matter what. Khari and Maya, with their soft hearts and empathy, would have forgiven them even with their pretense and unchanged behaviour.

Then when all the dust had settled, and there was some semblance of trust again, they would strike them down, eliminating them forever while the religious leaders would be there to preach at their funeral saying that ‘God gives and takes and all of us would die one day.’

This is exactly how it plays out in many Nigerian families. Women have died in abusive marriages because their pastors encouraged them to stay and keep praying for their husbands to change.

A lot of children never get justice for the abuse they endured growing up. Some even die in the process. And the ones who survive are expected to keep a thriving relationship with the family members that abused them. Talking about it happened a long time ago, you should be over it by now. Let bygones be bygones.

I am a strong believer that actions have consequences, and people should not be shielded from the consequences of their actions, whether positive or negative. If people knew that their abusive actions would be met with severe consequences, they would think twice about what they intend to do. But abusers are often convinced that they are invincible. And there are people who would stand by them regardless of what they do.

Maya’s story is a testament to the fact that oppressed people can build strong networks, rise to the pinnacle of power, and overthrow an oppressive governing council. It was a slow, deliberate, strategic process that turned out successful in the end.

Maya could never have done this on her own without the help of the people who loved, trusted, and were willing to lay their lives down for her and her family. However the complexities of human behaviour threatened to break what she had built several times.

When Loyalty Conflicts With Justice

I sometimes think that people who condone or enable the abusers in their family or friendship groups are often conflicted about how to navigate such situations without betraying both parties. Many people value relationships over principles. Their belief systems often crumble in the face of abusive allies, especially when they have never been hurt by them.

I have seen variations of these on social media where people have said they would always support an abusive family member or friend regardless of what they've done.

In The Wellspring Tetralogy, we see how Zufan battled with her loyalty to her people and the growing affection between her and a wanted criminal who was also a royal member. She knew that she’s supposed to see him as an enemy. But how could she when he had never wronged her before?

How do you navigate the thin line between enabling abuse and inheriting unwanted enemies who have done you no wrong? Are people’s goodness and innocence based solely on what they’ve done to you personally or their general conduct to others? Would you still love the people in your life even when they have done despicable things to others?

Healing On Your Own Terms

Healing is not a linear journey. It aggravates me when people tell others to forgive before they are ready to. You’re not in their shoes. You do not understand what they went through. You do not care to understand. So don’t hide behind your sanctimonious facade and tell them forgiving their abusers is for their own good. They will let go in their own time. Let them be.

If you’ve been abused you do not owe anyone forgiveness and/or reconciliation. No one should dictate the timeline of your healing process.

Your anger is holy. It’s a self-preservation instinct. Your oppressors know this and that's why they try to convince you otherwise.

Women, especially, have been conditioned to see anger as a shameful emotion that should be repressed and not as the protective mechanism that it is. Anger is a natural response to oppression. And true anger is liberating.

So if you must reconcile with people whose harm almost killed you, then they should pay for the pain they caused you and they should show consistent evidence of changed behaviour. Otherwise stay away and never let anyone gaslight you into keeping a relationship with them because they are family or close friends or church members.

Intentional forgiveness and reconciliation can only be achieved when people pay for their sins. Even the doctrine of restitution, practised in some denominations, attests to this.

The Wellspring Tetralogy is a beautifully written book. And I predict it will become a timeless classic in the future. Not just because of its intricate plot, worldbuilding, and suspense, but because of its exploration of the subconscious human behaviour that people pretend do not exist. The animalistic quest for power. The dirty game of politics. The chameleon-like duality of humans.

Perhaps, the most important lesson of this book is: actions have consequences. Forgiveness is not the birthright of an abuser. The oppressed can choose how they respond to their oppressors.

Originally published on Substack on December 11, 2025.

I finished reading Years of Shame by Obinna Udenwe on October 30, while stuck in traffic for 3 hours, after a heavy downpour. I remember being flabbergasted, angry and lost when I finished the book. I thought, what the actual fuck just happened here? (pardon my language.)

This book left me gobsmacked. I have tried to record a book review video but I couldn't. This is my second attempt at writing an essay.

I won this book in a giveaway organized by Uche Ezeudu on TikTok in October. I was so excited to win this book that I suspended the book I was reading at the time, Making It Big by Femi Otedola, to read it.

I didn’t really know what the book was about. Let’s just say I went in blindly.

Years of Shame begins in February, 1976, 6 years after the end of the Biafra war, in the town of Abakiliki in present-day Ebonyi State.

The author quickly thrusts us into the life of Patrice Ikebe, the main character.

Patrice works for Chief Douglas. Chief Douglas Akidi, originally from Arochukwu, settled in Abakaliki where his father had worked as a warrant chief before he was murdered during the Biafra war by Abakaliki people.

Chief Douglas is a wealthy, generous man who harbors hate for Abakaliki people. Patrice, an Abakaliki man, served this chief for many years until the time he took the deadly oath that changed everything.

Patrice is convinced that Methuselah stole his money so he chose one of the strongest oaths in his village to prove this.

I shuddered as the elders outlined the consequences of this oath, hoping that Patrice would change his mind. But he remained resolute in his decision.

One thing that stood out to me in this novel is how women and children always suffer for the sins of men. I kept thinking why he couldn’t bear the repercussions alone since he was so sure of a theft he didn’t witness.

His wife, Baby, was taken away by her family members before he took the oath, as a means of protection. They returned the bride price and dissolved the marriage, yet Patrice didn’t budge or go back on his decision.

Baby couldn’t leave with her children because according to traditions, the children belonged to the father. Baby survived the impending doom but her babies she left behind and the grand baby she never saw suffered so much.

How does a man remain stubborn till the very end at the expense of his children’s lives? How do you remain steadfast in your belief in the face of contrary evidence? I couldn’t comprehend it.

The last time I read about a character this obstinate was in the book
“Things Fall Apart” by Chinua Achebe. Patrice reminded me of Okonkwo who was told in the famous line “That boy calls you Father. Do not have a hand in his death,” but still chose to prove his ‘manhood’ rather than step back.

This isn't just fiction. I see this pattern in real life too — fathers who abandon families over selfishness and pride, men who'd rather be 'right' than keep their children safe, husbands who prioritize their reputation over their wives' wellbeing. The settings change but the story stays the same.

I am not one to write or talk about men, their egos and toxic masculinity. But these characters call for deep introspection amongst men.

What is it about men’s egos that make them throw women and children under the bus all the time? Why is empathy always a loser when competing with men’s egos? I need answers to these questions.

I keep thinking about Baby's impossible choice. Stay and watch your children suffer for your husband's stubbornness, or leave to save yourself knowing they'll suffer anyway because tradition says they belong to him. What kind of choice is that?

And the children - they had no choice at all. They were born into the consequence of their father's ego. They inherited a curse they didn't earn.

This is the part that makes me angriest. Not Patrice's stubbornness itself —stubborn people exist everywhere. But the system that allows one man's pride to destroy everyone around him while he remains convinced he's right.

The tradition that gives fathers sole ownership of children even when those fathers choose destruction.

Okonkwo does the same thing in Things Fall Apart. He participates in the murder of Ikemefuna to prove he's not weak, traumatizing his own son Nwoye in the process.

Nwoye eventually leaves his father's religion entirely; another son lost because the father cared more about appearing strong than being loving.

Is this what strength looks like in traditional Igbo masculinity? The ability to watch everyone you love suffer rather than admit you might be wrong? The capacity to choose pride over your children's lives?

I don't have answers. But I know these stories are trying to tell us something. Maybe they're warnings. Maybe they're invitations to men to choose differently.

Maybe they are an introspection into the system — the culture that raises boys to become men with fragile self-concepts where admitting wrong feels like death. Maybe they're just documentation of a pattern we haven't figured out how to break.

What I do know, however, is that women and children shouldn't have to keep paying for men's sins. And until that changes, I'll keep asking these questions.

Years of Shame is a well-written novel. The prose is beautiful. The descriptions encapsulate you and catapult you into each scene. I can still see Chief Douglas’ home office as I write this. It’s a 5-star read for me.

Another thing I love about this book is how it touched on the Anglo-Aro war and the longstanding feud between the Aro and Abakaliki people as a result of the war.

I didn’t know about this before I read this book. I only knew that Arochukwu people dealt in slave trade with white people due to a tweet I saw some time ago by someone who mentioned that their great-grandfather also participated in the slave trade.

This book is an important igbo historical fiction. It takes us to the years before the Biafra war was ever conceived and after the war that redefined Igbo history.

Years of Shame left me with more questions than answers. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe Udenwe is asking us, especially Nigerian men, to look at these patterns and choose differently. To choose their families over their pride. To recognize that stubbornness in the face of contrary evidence isn't strength, it's desolation dressed up as honor.

I'll return to this book in a few years, the same way I return to Things Fall Apart. Not because I enjoy the pain, but because these stories force us to confront uncomfortable truths about masculinity, tradition, and who pays the price when men refuse to bend to the wind of love and selflessness.

Originally published on Substack on November 26, 2025.

I went through the quotes and there were different pieces of advice like: keep your virginity till marriage; don’t bother about men’s behaviour after sex; you need to learn to manage your emotions after sex; you should have had sex earlier; you should have had sex with someone you didn’t have feelings for (I don't know how this works but I digress), etc.

I quoted the tweet with this “Not to discredit your experience but I find the phrase 'losing my virginity' cringe. I know it's a common phrase women use but I think there's a need to reframe the way women talk about their first sexual experience with men.”

What kept ringing in my mind was the language with which women spoke about their first sexual experience with men or the lack of it.

The Language Problem

The language of ‘losing’ virginity reinforces the idea that women lose value through sex and that narrative needs to end.

I think women should stop using terms like; virgin, keeping my virginity, losing my virginity, and any term that describes sex as something that reduces a woman's worth.

I know that women and men experience sex differently, and the natural and social consequences on women outweigh those on men by a lot.

But that does not mean women cannot reframe how they interact with the physical act of sex or the idea of it.

What Virginity Actually Means?

Let’s look at what the term “virginity” connotes. Virginity simply means the state of never having had sex. It is a social construct. There is no medical test to prove whether someone has had sex or not.

The appearance of blood during some women’s first sexual intercourse is often used to signify virgin status as it indicates that the hymen has been broken. But what happens if a woman doesn’t bleed during her first sex? Does that mean she was not a virgin?

There are different types of hymens. The hymen can stretch and tear because of physical activities or exercises. Therefore, not all women will bleed during their first sexual experience.

Purity Culture’s Grip on Women

There’s a huge emphasis on women not having sex till marriage. This is a part of purity culture that is mostly propagated by religion and culture.

It is the policing of women’s bodies and sexualities that is embedded in many traditions as though women cannot be independent sexual creatures who can decide what they want to do with their bodies.

The way girls are socially conditioned affects the way they interact with their sexuality as they grow older; because why would you teach girls that their worth and dignity are tied to their virginity and wonder why they spiral emotionally when the man they have their first sex with doesn’t care much for it.

A Literary Example

That tweet also reminded me of a short story I read last month in the book “White Whispers” by Precious Osikha. The story is titled “Burden of Purity.”

It's about a young woman whose mother taught her to ‘keep her virginity’ till marriage as it makes her a virtuous woman.

On her wedding night, her husband did not encounter any ‘restriction’ and reported her to her mother who felt shame and disgrace at her daughter’s lack of virginity.

She questioned her daughter who explained how it was hard for her to ‘keep her virginity’ so she became a ‘chronic masturbator.’

There are a few things I want to point out from this story: the religious and cultural expectations that ‘keeping your virginity’ till marriage makes you virtuous or worthy; the denial of a woman's sexual desires and lack of healthy ways to express them; the lack of evidence of virginity on her wedding night even though she had never had sex; masturbation as something that threatens the state of a woman’s virginity.

Purity culture was created for women — to regulate and control their bodies and sexualities. Nobody cares what a man does to his body or how he wields his genitals.

Many religions and cultures are unified when it comes to policing women's bodies. This is the premise behind practices like female genital mutilation (FGM).

In church, when the pastors preach against fornication/pre-marital sex, the focus is mostly on girls and women.

Parents also do a great disservice to their daughters by teaching them that their worth is tied to their genitals.

In the story I referenced above, the husband found no ‘restriction’ and probably no blood and he concluded that the woman was not a virgin. It circles back to my previous point of different types of hymens and how not all women bleed during their first sex.

Also, this woman had been masturbating constantly (there's no explicit description of the type of masturbation she engaged in) but that doesn't affect her virginity status if the definition of virginity still remains the state of not having had sex before.

The Masturbation Double-Standard

Many people have argued in religious spaces about whether masturbation is a sin or not. That is for religious people to decide for themselves. It is often widely accepted that men masturbate and they talk about it freely.

But when women talk about masturbation, especially on social media, there's an element of surprise in the way some men respond as though only they had the monopoly on self-pleasure.

This tension around female masturbation isn't just in fiction or social media, I’ve witnessed it in real life too.

One time, during my final year project in the lab, we were discussing our internship experiences, and a coursemate, let's call her Sade, told us about a man who came for seminal fluid analysis (SFA) at the lab where she did her internship.

The man was given a sterile container to put his semen in and was directed on how to go about it. He said he was a pastor and couldn't stimulate himself in that manner. So he had to call his wife. They allowed them to use one of the test rooms.

I was quite fascinated by the story because I never came across anything like that in the lab where I did my internship. But it sparked a conversation about masturbation as a type of fornication.

Sade said she understood the man because she also considered masturbation a sin. I asked the guys there if they thought masturbation was a sin and they all said no. Her logic was that if God said to stay away from fornication, then one had to stay away from anything that might tempt them into fornication.

So I asked her how she navigates her sexual urges and she said she doesn't really feel them. “You can't feel what you haven't practiced before.”

In “The Burden of Purity,” however, the young woman did not have sex before marriage but she struggled with her sexual urges and that is why she turned to masturbation.

I daresay many women suppress their sexual desires in their pursuit of purity.

The fear that a woman who owns her sexuality and interacts with her sexual desires healthily via self-pleasure or partnered sex will become loose or promiscuous is a lie. A woman who is in tune with her sexuality will make better sexual choices.

My Own Experience

I grew up in a Christian home. The church and my parents never failed to drum it into my soul that I had to keep my virginity till marriage. The church said having sex before marriage was a sin against God and my body.

My parents were more practical. They said I could get pregnant and end up as a single mother and this might affect the trajectory of my life.

None of them talked about the protective measures I should follow if I decided to have sex.

In university, some girls thought that if you had not had sex at a particular age, then you were a prude. I was faced with two extremes — “keep my virginity” till marriage for some man I don't even know or have sex with any available guy to tick off some imaginary list.

But there’s a third option people rarely talk about: changing how you view and interact with sex entirely regardless of your experience level.

Women need to own their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with having sexual desires. Craving sex and exploring your body is not a sin. It is a natural biological response to a healthy body.

Yes, you need to put certain measures in place to protect yourself both physically and emotionally. But you need to stop waiting for some perfect magical guy who “deserves it” by virtue of love or marriage to have sex. You can start by exploring your body yourself.

I used to think everyone touched themselves, especially as curious teenagers. I was so shocked when I found out that some women’s first sexual exploration was with a partner.

A Different Way Forward

Touch yourself.

Walk around your house naked if you live alone.

Admire your nude body in the mirror.

Get comfortable with your body.

Unlearn everything society and religion taught you about your body and sexuality.

Self-pleasure is an act of self-love, whether you're sexually active or not. Get sex toys. And if you still believe penetration is the only way to “lose your virginity,” do it yourself with a dildo so you’re not so emotionally invested in the process.

Having sex is serious business for women because the responsibility of preventing pregnancy and STDs often falls on them. But owning your sexuality and exploring it in the comfort of your room does not have to be difficult.

When you finally have your first sex with a man, say “the first time I had sex….” or “my first sexual experience…”

If you choose to abstain, say "I am currently abstinent or celibate, or not sexually active.”

Exorcise the phrases, “I am a virgin,” “keeping my virginity,” “losing my virginity.” from your vocabulary.

You have the autonomy to choose how you want to explore your sexuality. Do not let culture and religion dictate any limits to you.

Have sex or don’t.

Masturbate or don’t.

But let your choices come from within you, not societal expectations.

You do not owe anyone your body. Your body was created for your pleasure. You get to choose who you share that pleasure with and your choice can change at any time. It is not set in stone.

Originally published on Substack on November 10, 2025.

After exchanging pleasantries, she asked about what I do for work, where I stay, and “what's going on, when are we going to hear about your good news?”

For context, we are both in our mid-twenties. She's married with a baby girl while I'm single. Some of our peers who attended the same teenage church that I currently know of are married with at least one kid. I'm probably the odd one out who isn't married and doesn't seem bothered or pressured.

She gave me a brief rundown of what she's been up to and it was quite interesting.

The conversation reminded me of a TikTok video I saw some time ago of a Nigerian woman in her mid-thirties whose secondary school classmate called her to catch up. She asked the same generic questions about work, living situation, marriage, and kids. This woman was not married nor did she have kids. But she had a stable source of income while living in a city that's not considered a major city in Nigeria.

She remarked that she felt the childhood friend was condescending towards her because she didn't fit what was socially expected of women. Some people in the comments said the lady probably called just to compare notes and see how the TikTok woman was doing with her life.

This might be true. But I do not think everyone who does this, does it from ill intent. Some people simply do not know better, especially in a society that socializes girls to aspire to marriage.

There's a deep-seated belief that women should get a degree, start a career, get married, and have at least one kid before they turn thirty. Any woman who doesn't follow this script is somehow a failure. She's even a greater failure if she's not doing anything to actively find a spouse.

I started questioning this script when I was a teenager. I wanted to know if there were other options. I remember telling a friend at 18, that there had to be another way of life. Because I didn't think everyone had to aspire to the same things that society expects from us.

I didn't know what my life would look like exactly. But I knew I wanted an option to choose and not just settle for what the world had already chosen for me from the day I was born a girl.

This is why I get excited whenever I come across online discourse from women who choose to be child-free, marriage-free, or single mothers by choice.

However, there's a lot of resistance to these conversations. Some people even get carried away by arguments that do not translate to real-life situations in our society.

Some women who follow the marriage script tend to look down on other women who are not married. This shows up in the unsolicited advice and suggestions they give the unmarried women around them. As a result, single child-free women have become a bit condescending towards women who still choose to get married and have kids.

But I just want to point out that, regardless of what a woman chooses, as long as we're still under the patriarchy, every woman is seen as the same (especially at first glance) whether we subscribe to the same notions or not.

Nigeria is still a deeply religious and patriarchal society with many Nigerians holding a serious preference — almost an obsession —for marriage and “family values.” Choosing to be single and child-free, married and child-free, or a single mother by choice is revolutionary. It won't become the norm for many years to come.

If you're choosing the unconventional path of being single and child-free, prepare for a lot of pressure and backlash from family, friends, acquaintances, enemies, and strangers. You will not be spared for deciding not to fulfill your god-given mandate of using your womb to multiply the human race, especially your bloodline.

You will need a rock-solid conviction before you tell anyone about this. Because everyone and their generation will try to convince you otherwise. They will suggest all manner of church programs and prayer sessions for singles. They might even attempt to matchmake you so that you don't run out of your biological clock.

The desire to get married and birth children is a good thing so is choosing to remain single and child-free. The most important thing is the ability to choose whatever path you truly desire whether it aligns with societal expectations or not. And being confident in that decision so that you don't get triggered unnecessarily by other women living the life they intentionally curated.

Originally published on Substack on October 19, 2025.

Kambili appears at the forefront of my mind. And I'm transported to the scene where she and her mother went to see Jaja in prison. I recall how she and her mother never talked about what happened, how she never questioned why she did certain things, and how she still longed for her father.

I remember the babies. All the babies Kambili’s mother lost courtesy of her husband’s punching skills. And I said to myself, how will she ever get over what that man did to her? How does anyone even get over abuse so grave? How do you continue living when you’re long dead? How do you move on? How does the new silence not remind you of the former silence? How do you begin to peel back all those layers of grief?

I decided to read Purple Hibiscus because I needed a break from the course I was doing. I also needed a familiar book, a book I had read before.

But what nobody tells you about reading a book again is that it breaks you more, in new ways, than it did the last time you read it.

Kambili's father, Eugene, is the typical overzealous, fanatical, generous, religious father who cares so much about his reputation and family image in the church and society. He would do anything to make sure his family presents his ideal of righteousness and perfection at all times. He hides behind his love for God, even though he's just another abuser who found refuge in religion.

There's an element of trauma in his upbringing in the missionary house. He hinted at this when he narrated the reason for an outrageous punishment he gave his children to his daughter. But this doesn't absolve him of all the atrocities he committed.

There are many Eugenes in religious communities today. Many of them do not resort to physical abuse. But every other form of covert abuse is present in their conduct.

The author depicts the impenetrable silence, walking on eggshells, and excessive controlling behaviour his family had to endure, to the extent of writing timetables for his kids to take with them on their holiday at their aunt's place.

He also uses the famous lines of many abusive parents, “My parents did not send me to school. I didn't have the same privileges as you. You must always be the best and do my bidding.” Eugene even goes a step further to only attribute his success to the church missionary education while alienating his father for being a heathen.

Aunty Ifeoma, Eugene's sister, is the antithesis of her brother. She's not a religious fanatic. She's quite opinionated with a free spirit. She convinced her brother to let his kids spend time with her and her kids during the holiday.

And it's immediately clear that Kambili and her brother, Jaja, are developmentally stunted when compared with their peers. That is what often happens to children who grow up in such homes. Kambili seems to be more affected. This could be attributed to her social conditioning as a girl and her observant nature.

One thing that stood out to me in the novel is how people often assume that if you're from a wealthy or well-to-do home, you would have no problem.

They think you have access to the finest things. Kambili struggles with these kinds of assumptions when she tries to interact with her cousin, Amaka, during the holiday. It's only after she understood the amount of abuse Kambili experienced that she began to understand and empathize with her.

The church is a sanctuary for abusive men because Christians like to gloss over abuse. They've only started to recognize and talk about physical abuse while encouraging women to stay in more dangerous and insidious forms of abuse.

The first time I heard one pastor's wife call herself an infidelity recovery coach, I thought it was a joke until I saw it on her website. She's not the only one. There's a whole community of Christian coaches teaching women how to build a kingdom marriage that's mostly erected on their endurance of abuse.

I think it’s high time that Christian women paid more attention to other forms of abuse. Abuse can be financial, reproductive, sexual, emotional, psychological, religious, and physical. It can also be a mixed bag of everything for some women. Please, stop listening to pastors who encourage you to stay and endure.

In Purple Hibiscus, Kambili's mother, Beatrice, decides to take matters into her own hands. She murders her husband slowly, using poison as her weapon of choice. He dies; peace is restored. But she never fully recovered from what that man did to her. She probably also felt so much guilt that her son took her place in prison when all she wanted was for him and his sister to be free from their father's abusive cage.

I love that the author gave Beatrice and her children some kind of victory in the novel while showing us the reality of what healing might look like in such cases.

But like they say, “reality is often stranger than fiction.” Many women never get any type of closure, victory, or justice. Instead, we see many men roam free without any form of consequences whilst being cuddled by the church, their community, and society at large.

Originally published on Substack on August 24, 2025.

Last month, I tried reading a book on spirituality. One thing I noticed is how the term “God” was given the masculine pronoun “he/him.” This put me off in a way I couldn't explain. But I kept wondering why God is mostly addressed as a masculine figure in religious and spiritual texts. This is not the first time I have asked myself this question.

Earlier this year, in February, I read a memoir titled “God is a Black Woman” by Dr. Christena Cleveland. It’s her personal experience of deconstructing the white-supremacist evangelical male god and her search for a black female goddess that she could relate to.

I resonated with her experience of being raised in a very religious home. The purity culture, being groomed for marriage, the general control and forced obedience laced with emotional manipulation.

Even though I’m not a black American woman like Dr. Christena, I have heard stories of Yoruba female goddesses, I was admonished that all traditional religions were demonic and worshipping Jesus is the only right way to heavenly paradise in the afterlife. So I never studied more about these goddesses.

I first noticed a hierarchy in religion that upset me when I questioned the doctrine of submission at 15.

I remember my dad explaining what Paul said in the book of Corinthians — how the married Christian woman was under the authority of her husband and had to submit to him, while her husband was under Jesus, and Jesus under God. I never understood it. I still don’t.

However, I have observed how this religious hierarchy plays into the patriarchy and gender roles. It fuels the superiority complex of men and feeds the inferiority complex of women.

Why wouldn’t it?

If men have continually seen that the image of God being propagated in popular Abrahamic religions is male. And this God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all people bow to him. It feeds their ego either consciously or subconsciously.

For centuries, men have been the ones bringing divine messages to humanity while knowledgeable women were tagged as witches who were banished or killed.

Women, on the other hand, got little to no representation of themselves in this God entity. And it can be hard to relate to a god that looks nothing like you.

Also, if God is male, then it makes sense to submit to man, the explicit representation of God on earth. This also contributes to how women generally participate in religion. They mostly never consider themselves as equal participants neither are they encouraged to.

Although the Bible says “God created them male and female in their image and likeness” and “there’s neither male nor female in the body of Christ,” the marriage submission doctrine coupled with patriarchal gender roles will always bring a superiority divide in this perceived equality.

In 2023, I saw a Facebook post talking about the proposed pronoun change for God. The Church of England’s governing body had started talking about changing God’s pronoun from he/him to a gender neutral pronoun they/them.

I thought this was a wholesome development until I opened the comments. And I saw many Christians were vehemently against the change, insisting that God was male and would always be male.

I know people do not respond well to change. But why did it matter so strongly to people, especially men, that God maintained their male identity?

Power, leadership, innovation, intelligence, and wisdom have often been attributed to men throughout history. This ties into their shared identity with God. If god’s pronoun changes, they would have to seek a new identity and reconsider their stance on equality and submission.

God being androgynous or genderless is the most appropriate inclusive representation of the Divinity I can think of.

If God created them, male and female, according to God’s image and likeness, then that means God has both male and female characteristics embedded in them, and that makes them genderless or gender non-conforming.

I strongly believe that changing the image and language of God from male and he/him to androgynous and they/them would have a significant impact on how people interact with each other and the God entity (within or outside religion).

Originally published on Substack on July 21, 2025.

I started posting on Tiktok on January 9th and I've been consistent ever since. Some days I post just once other days I post twice. I've struggled with a myriad of emotions and I've even flirted with the idea of giving up.

But I don't. 2025 is the year I choose to put myself out there and stay regardless of what comes with it.

I've always wanted to create content and share my thoughts. But I was always scared to take the first step.

In 2020, during the lockdown, I started a free wordpress blog and then migrated to a paid website domain. I knew nothing about web hosting and wordpress CMS but I was determined to create my website. I watched videos, read articles and after about a week, I created a functional website to the best of my ability. I ran the blog for a year and half before I stopped posting.

I struggled with so much depression, burnout and other issues, coupled with school work. I lost interest in writing and reading books. And there was no way I could keep the blog running.

What was supposed to be a short break turned into a 3-year sabbatical with three failed attempts to start again.

In 2022, I tried starting a new blog under a new name. I did the whole design, created new social media pages but gave it up after about 5 blog posts.

I tried starting another Instagram account in 2023 to share some of my poems and after a week of posting consistently I gave up.

I even took and completed a content marketing and social media course at HubSpot Academy hoping it will motivate me. Instead I got certificates, posted them on LinkedIn and didn't implement what I learned.

I tried again in 2024 and the new Instagram and Facebook accounts I started only saw two posts before I packed it up.

Now it's 2025 and I'm back to the creative space. And this is the only time, since 2020, I have successfully created content for one month consistently without giving up. I do not feel exhausted. In fact, I feel excited even though I still feel anxious every time I hit post.

I plan to post my content on other platforms like Instagram and YouTube. I want to build confidence, consistency, and community.

Asides from the fear of being seen, I'm scared of burning out. Burnout is such a scary experience and I don't ever want to experience it again.

Social media can also be overwhelming and I'd have to create systems that enable me take breaks whilst still being consistent.

I’m still trying to find my niche. However I enjoy talking about books (book reviews and recommendations), feminism (women’s issues), religion (lack of religious beliefs and deconstruction, religious abuse), sexuality, trauma (childhood trauma and relational trauma), mental health issues (depression, anxiety, passive suicidal ideation - my poems explore more of this), curiosity, neuro-divergence, emotional abuse, and the general human condition.

If you find any of these topics fascinating, then you should follow me on TikTok, YouTube, and X (formerly Twitter). My handle is graceileri on all the platforms.

Have you experienced the fear of being seen? How did you overcome it? Kindly, share your experience with me in the comments.

I read "You have to be gay to know God" by Siya Khumalo last year. But I never got around to publishing the review I had in my drafts.

It is a memoir-like book set in South Africa with chapters that feel like essays attempting to explore the interconnectedness of homosexuality, sex, religion, and politics. The first part of the book focuses more on his upbringing and childhood experiences. Parts two and three explore more of politics and religion.

I liked the theological analysis and juxtaposition of homosexuality, rape, and the reception of homosexuality when he wrote the book. I am agnostic but I was curious about how homosexuality could make one understand Christianity better. That was what drew me in. The book title is brilliant.

He made references to biblical words that have been lost in translation and attempts to interpret the Bible in a different way than what many present evangelical Christians will accept.

I also like the way he talked about how you can use people’s beliefs to help them see why they should accept queer folks. He says you would be more successful at changing people’s minds if you use their beliefs and biblical texts to point out their biases. This works well because the Bible when studied without Jewish historical underpinnings and knowledge of the language used to write it can be contradictory. And even those who studied the Bible well can make the Bible mean whatever they want it to mean.

Religion has been used to condemn gay people to hell. They believe gay people are an abomination and they would perish. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is often referenced amongst other Bible stories. But these stories and Jesus' death and resurrection can also be used to set these people free and condemn those who condemn homosexuals.

I did not fully understand the reference to South African history but I understand the part where queer people are always thrown under the bus anytime there is a major election about to happen in African countries.

Homosexuality is often tagged as un-African as though queer people never existed in Africa before white people colonized us. And the same white man who colonized us with his bible has approved same-sex marriages even though evangelical fundamentalism in the West seeks to change that.

Homophobia is often interlinked with misogyny. Understanding one major oppression should help to understand other forms of oppression in an ideal world. But many people are self-righteous and think they are better than others and refuse to relate to other people's oppression.

For example, a black straight South African man would complain about racism but he thinks he is better than a black gay South African man and therefore would not unite with him to fight for freedom. He thinks his freedom is different from the freedom a gay man seeks. He fails to understand that as long as gay people remain oppressed, no other person is truly free.

Homosexuality challenges what others think is the natural order of things - a heterosexual union that produces children. What they really mean is that they don't believe or want equality of sexes and that's what homosexual unions present.

The average heterosexual relationship is not built on equality of gender, it is built on the superior power of men above women. Women are not regarded as humans who can be separate and autonomous. And gay men, especially the femme or bottom, are looked down on for not living up to the toxic patriarchal masculinity that is expected in society.

The last paragraph of the book made me laugh. It goes like this "Homophobia in God’s name is horseshit. The blasphemer who condemns gays in the name of God loves neither gays nor God. No one who hates his brother, whom he has seen, can claim to love God, whom he has not seen. For all we know, God could be lesbian."

There’s something to unpack here. It references Jesus' commandment of loving your neighbor as yourself as that is the ultimate way to prove your love for God. But how many Christians follow this commandment? Because love doesn’t include condemning your neighbor for loving and fucking in ways you do not approve of.

No one has seen God at any time. If there’s a God, a supreme being who created the world, we do not know their gender and sexuality for sure. No one has all the knowledge and information about this entity.

There are various religions and stories of how their gods came to be. No one can say for sure that their god is the most important one. And even if the Christian God was the supreme being, how are we sure they are not lesbian? God could be a woman. Those who wrote the bible could have written a lie.

All this to say that people bother themselves so much about homosexuality when there are better things to worry about. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to and continually fucking whoever you want to. God doesn't give a fuck. People shouldn't either.

Obiefuna was born to his parents after years of waiting. He was dearly beloved by his mother and everyone who knew him. But as he grew older with his younger brother in tow, he quickly became a victim of bullying.

His father found out he was gay and sent him to a boarding school where he learned to hide his sexuality to blend in with his peers and avoid punishments.

He met the love of his life as a university undergraduate. However, the relationship was interrupted when a new law that criminalized same-sex relationships was passed. Obi's lover was set to marry a woman to please his family and he was left to nurse a broken heart.

Last year, I read "Under The Udala Trees" by Chinelo Okparanta. The theme of this book is quite similar to "Blessings". This book was set during and after the Biafra War. Before she met her first love, Ijeoma had lost her father in the war and was separated from her mother who couldn't fend for her at the time.

Despite her mother's attempt to pray and deliver her daughter from lesbianism, Ijeoma never stopped having same-sex attractions.

Even though there were no laws criminalizing homosexual relationships at the time, hate crimes were prevalent. This, coupled with the fact that she was her mother's only child, made Ijeoma marry a man.

These two books explore how living in a homophobic country like Nigeria forces queer people to marry people they are not attracted to cover their faces and please family members.

Last year I saw a trending tweet, where a Nigerian gay man was advising other Nigerian gay men to marry women as a cover-up if they couldn't withstand the homophobia from society and pressure from their families.

The tweet got a lot of backlash from many people, especially straight women. And this is very understandable. Because that type of union is based on deception.

However, that's the reality of the society we are living in. The gay man who started the discourse was only saying the quiet part out loud. There's no staunch homophobic society that will not produce many cover-up marriages.

Until homosexual people are allowed to live and love who they are attracted to freely without punishment and judgment, no one is truly free.

If this feels familiar, you might be experiencing burnout.

According to the APA dictionary, " Burnout is a state of physical, emotional, or mental exhaustion accompanied by decreased motivation, lowered performance, and negative attitudes toward oneself and others."

It is commonly associated with working-class individuals. However, many students have also reported dealing with burnout.

Student burnout can sometimes be conflated with laziness and nonchalance. Recognizing the signs of burnout is very important. This can lead to speedy healing.

Signs of Student Burnout

1. Chronic fatigue and exhaustion: It is normal to get tired from time to time. Good sleep and rest often leave you feeling recharged.

However, when you are experiencing burnout, tiredness becomes a constant background hum in your daily life. No amount of sleep is enough to recharge you.

2. Loss of motivation and interest in studies: You used to be enthusiastic about your academic pursuit. You attended classes and turned in your assignments on time. But now you can't seem to work up the motivation to study and do your schoolwork. This could be a sign of burnout.

3. Decreased academic performance: You could be experiencing burnout if your grades seem to be crawling behind you. And they are nothing like your previous performances.

4. Increased irritability and mood swings: One thing depression and burnout have in common is irritability. You might have low moods and can't seem to get excited about anything.

5. Physical symptoms: Your body tells you when you need to slow down. Having recurrent headaches and stomach problems could be a sign of burnout.

6. Social withdrawal and isolation: If you are experiencing burnout, you often lack the energy to hang out with friends and colleagues. It seems easier to just isolate and withdraw from people.

7. Increased procrastination and avoidance: Everyone procrastinates once in a while. But procrastinating on important things a lot more than usual could be a sign of burnout.

8. Neglect of self-care and personal needs:

Burnout is evident in how you take care of yourself. You might be having a hard time doing that because of your constant exhaustion.

Causes of Burnout

Burnout doesn't happen overnight. It is often a buildup of different things over time. Below are some causes of burnout:

- Academic pressure and expectations: Putting so much pressure on yourself as a student will do you more harm than good.

- Poor time management and organization: Lack of time management skills would have you doing so much in less time. And this can lead to burnout.

- Lack of support and resources: Some students lack support from friends and family. They could also be unaware of the resources they could access in school when they become constantly overwhelmed.

- Perfectionism and high standards: It is fine to set good standards for yourself. But setting overly high standards that you can't seem to meet no matter how hard you try will lead you to burnout.

- Balancing academics with other responsibilities: Everyone has their limits. Taking more responsibilities than you can handle is a recipe for burnout.

Recovery Strategies

Now that you've realized that you're experiencing burnout, here are some strategies on how you can recover.

1. Prioritize self-care and rest: You do not always have to be productive. Taking time out to rest is self-care. Learn to schedule rest times and follow through with them. Also, develop a good sleep routine.

2. Seek support from peers, mentors, or counseling: Ask for help whenever you need it. Seek support from your friends, family, coursemates, and school counselors.

3. Re-evaluate goals and expectations: Take time to understand your limits. Recreate your goals and set expectations that align with your capability.

4. Develop healthy time management habits: Learn how to manage your time. Create daily to-do lists you can achieve and try to follow through.

5. Engage in activities promoting relaxation and stress relief:

Play games. Hang out with friends. Read a book. Watch a movie. Do things that help you relax after a busy day.

6. Improve physical health through exercise and nutrition:

Good nutrition helps our overall health. Try to eat well. And don't forget to move your body. Exercising does not have to be difficult. You can go for a walk or dance to your favorite music.

7. Celebrate achievements: There is no achievement that's not worth celebrating. Learn to appreciate yourself. Pay attention to your daily accomplishments and celebrate them however you want to.

8. Practice self-compassion and challenge negative thoughts: You are not lazy. You are just experiencing burnout. You are not stupid. You just have a hard time concentrating. Learn to talk to yourself compassionately. Love yourself and never hold space for negative thoughts.

9. Take breaks: You might need to take more breaks than you used to as you recover from burnout. If the burnout is severe, you might need to take a semester off or a gap year to fully recover.

10. Seek professional help when needed:

If you think you need to see a therapist, do not hesitate to go for it. The symptoms of depression often mimic burnout and you want to be sure of what you're dealing with.

Conclusion

More students need to be enlightened about burnout. This enables them to easily spot the signs in themselves or their friends. When burnout is noticed earlier, there's a chance for a faster recovery.

Self-care is very important. Prioritize your health and never work beyond your limit. Always remember that you come first before academics. Take care.