I have spent so much of my life in anxiety and fear of the unknown. It was hardwired into every aspect of my life. I felt better after Yoga or meditation. The effects were not permanent. A practice of being, of developing my mindfulness part.

I did not directly address the exiled part. My protectors were too strong. I had very little awareness of how I was feeling. Anxiety was a mask to keep my vulnerability at bay. Flight or fight set in at any perception of abandonment. I attracted partners to activate old caregivers in attempt to redeem. The wounds became exacerbated with retraumatization.

When my Chiron return occurred, I had the opportunity to experience activation of the neurology that had me trapped in the past. It wasn’t as simple as positive affirmations. I had to allow the willingness to feel and experience my original wounds in order to digest before any release was to occur. It was a period of radical acceptance. I had to feel the pain and it sucked. It felt like physical pain in my heart. Sharp and stabbing. My throat was clenched. My breath was shallow. What happened to me was not my fault. It set the stage for dysfunctional relating in my adult life.

I did not want to live in that world anymore. In order to move forward I had to honor that little girl. Talk to her like she was my own child. See her, feel her and cry for her. Through the witnessing we started to become integrated. It was this willingness that released the barrier to healing my mental health. While there is no magic formula for the actual work. It takes commitment. It takes acceptance. It takes responsibility to own what is reflected back in the present moment. The fear of the unknown is real. It is sometimes easier to stay in misery of the known. A false sense of safety. Of control.

Little by little I started to see a clearing. A spaciousness. I started to identify feelings that my anxiety masked. I started to become curious. This curiosity led me to clarity. Through clarity I found connection. Connection to my core self. It became simple to see I could simply let go of false beliefs that no longer served me. Today I feel lighter. I laugh with more ease. I smile more often. I feel safe. I trust myself.

My healing is not for myself alone. I know how hard this work is. The process is never ending of becoming truly yourself. What a gift. Through pain and experience there can be love and awareness. Humanity has the impulse to connect and love. It is fear that keeps us imprisoned. When one finds their key to freedom, the impulse is to serve others through this lens.

While your path is unique to you, we all have the same universal struggles. If you are on this road, I invite you to connect to find your community. Https://www.indigotravellers.net

Anybody embarking on the journey be forewarned. It is not sitting on the mountaintop in bliss. Yes, everything is Love. I enjoy the victories of these realizations that are hard earned. Here is the truth. The path is hard. Really hard. You may find yourself all alone, abandoned. It may feel like an avalanche of every dark thought seeded. The weeds are overgrown into hideous caricatures, where there once was a garden. There is no going back. Who you once were no longer exists. You have chosen the path of the artist, the shaman, the warrior, the dark night seeking the alchemy of transformation. From pain and suffering to wholeness. Have faith my friend. This is a path that you must travel alone. Friends and family will look on in dismay. You have abandoned the life you once knew. Why? To seek truth, beauty, wholeness. An authentic life. The realization that the old structure no longer supports. It is outgrown and no longer serves you.

We are at a time of great awakening. You may be among those called. In order to lead others, one must do the difficult work of unearthing the parts fragmented from the whole. Those parts that protected the hurt, vulnerable part of yourself. Thank those parts and ask them to support you in helping this inner child to claim it’s place in the light. No longer limited to looking at shadows. Deep soul work must be done.

Committing to this path is a lifestyle. Bring in all your tools to practice. It will look different for everyone. What keeps you grounded, centered? What are your strengths, weaknesses? What practices are you willing to commit to?

It is not straight forward. Sometimes it looks to the outside we are regressing. Old behaviors surface. Are we willing to take responsibility for what surfaces? To own our healing?

Each advance we make feeds the collective. Historical, generational, collective trauma can be healed one person at a time. This is the foundation for paradigm shifts. We begin to see a different timeline. A parallel universe. This is the path of awakening.

We invite you to join us at Nana I Ke Kumu. We are a gathering place supporting communication and community. We offer a co-journey. Simple tools to guide you on your path. Contact us https://www.indigotravellers.net

What an adventure this life has been. Full of ups and downs. If I could take back any of the pain and suffering endured, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have arrived at almost fifty years old and surveying all my mishaps, flaying at the world, I have become integrated.

I started this path over 20 years ago. There is no place to arrive. We all seek that feeling of being alive, connected and feeling loved. There is no beginning or end.

I started my journey with great confusion. Deep early developmental traumas that set the stage for future attachments based on over reactivity, volatility, lack of trust and fear of love. The very thing I longed for I pushed away to only abandon myself to the dark void.

I have been working with the tools of Yoga, Meditation, Astrology, Tarot, Neurolinguistic Programming, Therapy and Medication Management for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. A stigmatizing Mental Health Issue that has no known cure. I was at so many points that I wanted to give up. I have been in jail, rehab and in and out of broken relationships. I wanted desperately to break the pattern. To beat the odds. I wanted to redeem my reputation from the disappointment of my family and community. Mostly I wanted to feel safe, loved, that I belonged and have a purpose or contribution.

It wasn’t until I had no other cards to play. I watched in dismay as everything I worked for crumbled around me. A cherished relationship, my business that I built from my dreams, my art and passion, an advancement in education, friends that I cultivated. I was burning down in ashes.

It was like waking up from a dream. Moving past the rubble of a broken heart and soul, I grieved for the child I thought I lost. This is where the breakthrough occurred. I started to understand her and listen to her. I fed her and held her. I allowed her trapped emotions to surface and release. One session with my therapist in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and my vicious protector became tamed. I named it the tasmanian devil. It stepped back to let my most vulnerable and damaged part to step up and unite with the whole.

My whole world has shifted. The way I think and process has become integrated. I have knee jerk reactions that at first appearance feels like an avalanche. I am able to connect with my core in these times to allow this part to be heard but does not take over my entire existence where I feel like I am spinning into nothingness for eternity and I cannot grasp stable ground.

My neurology has been rewired. I will continue to experience the unfoldment into becoming more whole. I embraced my initiations allowing the shaman’s journey to guide me. In my Chiron return, I have the medicine.

If any of my story calls to you, I invite you to join us at Nana I Ke Kumu. We are a gathering place supporting communication and community. We offer a co-journey. Simple tools to guide you on your path. Contact us https://www.indigotravellers.net

Are you feeling the call to action? Is there a new project or a new adventure that you have put on the back burner for “some day”? We are being initiated to put our foot in the stirrup and take the reins by the hand. You are in charge of your destiny. Everything you have experienced has led to now. Will you dare to walk through the threshold, to notify the universe of your intention?

This is how intention works. You proceed with certitude that the very thing you want to accomplish has already been done by you and for you. Every resistance or obstacle is intended to clear your view. Self doubt is the process from taking learning experiences to one of courage and strength. It is not the fear that stands in your way but the willingness to act despite fear. This is courage.

The universe wants to support us in our path of becoming. The night sky is reflecting this pioneering spirit to blaze our trails. Jupiter the planet of “Great Benefic,” brings luck, fortune, abundance, and expansion wherever it goes and has just entered Aries. The last time we experienced this energy was in 2011 and it takes 12 years for Jupiter to complete a full cycle. Aries is about embracing self through independence, autonomy, and personal agency. Jupiter entering Aries can feel like your hair is on fire, provoking you to take action. Aries remind us that leadership initiated from inspiration makes courageous choices. It takes humility to venture into uncharted territory. Is it time to embrace the unknown?

Here are some ideas to ponder as you venture forward:

How am I using my gifts and approach to learning to benefit myself and others?

If you were to know the very thing you value and desire, what steps do you need to take to clear a path to proceed?

How is sovereignty and autonomy used in your life?

How is power being used in your life?

What leadership is needed in your life to empower yourself and others?

What obstacles are needed to be mediated?

Intention is a mental state that becomes the agent to commit oneself to a course of action. The universe reminds us we all have what it takes to become a beacon of light. Will you follow your guiding light?

What does it mean to integrate? We are conditioned to reject parts of ourselves that are not productive or seen as lazy because we feel stuck in a cycle that keeps us self loathing and people pleasing. Sound familiar?

Western medicine can be pathologizing to behaviors that lie outside the cultural norm. Pathologizing implies value judgments about how one should behave according to typical social expectations. While all of us are unique in that we come from different genetic dispositions and different environments, many behaviors that are healthy and normal in situations can be labeled as deviant and problematic. For example, Freud coined the term “hysteria” to label female emotional expression that had harmful consequences to one’s wellbeing. Why do we give our power away to the medical establishment?

The medical model tends to treat the symptoms rather than the cause which creates separation from self and our own innate wisdom. We have lost our ability for interoception which gives us clear awareness of body signals that gives important feedback about how we are feeling and also gives valuable information about the situation at hand. When we are dysregulated, our bodies signal an alert that our internal body balance is off. This can motivate us to take action by doing something that will restore the internal balance to feel more comfortable. In other words, noticing the way your body feels is what motivates purposeful self-regulation behaviors.

Taking this a step further, we have many parts or personalities that take on roles to protect and manage our more vulnerable parts from being exposed to external stress that can reenact dysregulation. For many of us that have experienced trauma, we may be in a continual state of anxiety, vigilant for triggers that can swing us into flight or fight mode. Some of these parts have been forced to take on extreme roles to protect the whole and become pathologized, shamed or ostracized.

If we were to understand “there are no bad parts” according to Dr. Richard Shcwartz in his Internal Family Systems model, we would become friends. Once there is understanding and compassion, witnessing can take place. As parts of our personality become seen, something miraculous occurs. It begins to unburden. Our neurology begins to rewire as our parts take on their intended roles. We begin to integrate.

Simple exercises to tune into your parts is to sense what you are feeling in or around your body. This is interoception. Begin to zero in on a thought or feeling and begin to dialogue with it. What does it want you to know? How long has it been in this role? What would it rather be doing? What if it was offered hope that it can be seen and can align with the whole?

In shamanism this is called shadow work. In astrology, we can look at all the chart complexities and come to understand our strengths and challenges as a roadmap to align with self and the universe. I like to study the night sky to understand initiations that are occurring, asking us to rise to the challenge and unearth our shadows for the purpose of integration.

To begin a practice, start where you are. Begin the process of deep listening. There are many ways of approaching this: Meditation, Yoga, Art, Journaling, Therapy to name a few. The goal is self care. As we develop the practice of self care, we build capacity for compassion and shift the paradigm around us.

If you were to know, the key to health and healing resides in each and everyone of us. Integration.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest The glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others (Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”,1996).

This quote comes to mind as I apply for the Doctoral program at Tulane University. The question I must answer is have I been convicted of a crime? Self doubt shades my mood as I hit obstacles. A previous employers and my academic advisor declined to write me a letter of reference. I feel dead in the water. Then the shift occurs. I will tell my story of hardship in my personal statement. Show up as my authentic self. Will this liberate others who may have walked down my path? Who knows but the universe is guiding me. I am listening. Here is what I wrote:

Personal Statement
By Imma Royal

My story of arriving at applying for the online Social Work Doctoral Program at Tulane University is a surprising twist from first graduating with a Master of Social Work in 2018. My focus at Portland State University was Practice,Leadership and Community Organization. This created a Macro lens in how I approach Social Work.

I knew I wanted to apply my skills from upstream and while my 15 years experience in the Mental Health Field created a micro lens from downstream, I knew this was not the direction I wanted to affect change. Life beyond graduation was a bit of a disappointment. My values were out of alignment with many programs available in the Social Work Field and left me wanting to do more.

In 2020, I had the unique opportunity to pursue my dream of forming a non-profit with my business partner whom I have the pleasure of learning valuable skills as a leader and teacher. This leap of faith also coincided with the Pandemic which delayed progress and momentum of the start up. Two years in, I can say I am grateful for the opportunity to build the structure of our non-profit, Nana I Ke Kumu, from behind the scenes. I learned about online formats and developing an online presence, as well as social media marketing.

Nana I Ke Kumu is Hawaiian for return to the source. In particular, returning to breath. Hawaii translates to one with breath. Many ancient culture practice this concept as the breath is source of life. My business partner, spent 6 years in Hawaii practicing with Kahunas (spiritual guides of ancient Hawaii) to bring life coaching to a Western format. It was illegal until approximately 1986 to publicly practice as a Kahuna. This a a familiar theme across many cultures.

There is a particular practice in Hawaii that is essential for families and communities called Ho’oponopono, which translates to “make right twice”. It is a practice similar to restorative justice where a community or family member approaches their Kahuna or leader to create a mediation. This member who feels they have been transgressed upon sits in a lengthy negotiation and ceremony with the said offender who created the transgression. Both parties are willing participants where the member voices a complaint of what occurred to create the hurt or transgression. The person who has created the misstep must be fully present, willing to acknowledge what was perceived as a wrong and attempts to make reparations. The person voicing the hurt must be fully present and be willing to accept reparations that is offered with the help and guidance of the leader or mediator. To make right twice.

Bringing this concept to Western communities is the premise of our mission at Nana I Ke Kumu. Building Communication and Community. Since COVID, there is an acute awareness of how isolated we are in our communities. People are starving to connect. Many do not know how to do this or may be painfully aware that there is something missing. This takes a shift in our values and awareness. It is beyond the duality of right or wrong or deciding which side of the line we are positioned. The irony is, when we take a position such as fighting for peace (oxymoron), we are creating more violence in the world. It takes a shift from you and I to a “we consciousness”. We are all connected. It’s a matter of perception that we feel isolated.

This is the area of research I desire to focus on. Simple tools to work with individuals, families and communities to connect folks to a “we consciousness”. In Hawaii, the family is the backbone of society. Living on a small island, families rely on each other to survive. This is why the practice of Ho’opononopono is a vital practice to bring harmony and health. There is a stark contrast to living on the Mainland where families are spread out and have extended families or friends that become the base of support. However, since the Pandemic, we have created new mental health issues with our youth, our elders and everyone in between who has lost contact with community and family. The time is ripe to bring back some of the old wisdom and acclimate it to modern times. There is nothing new under the sun. Information is more accessible and science is catching up with old wisdom. We know human connection is vital to health. We are social beings. It’s how we are wired. Pioneers such as Bolby and Ainsworth articulated attachment theory and new research suggests it impacts adult relationships. If human connection is the keystone to the health of our communities, the million dollar question is how do we repair these connections?

Historical Trauma, Intergenerational Trauma, Complex Trauma, Capital T Trauma repeats itself. It is an endless cycle until the awareness is available to change patterns. It sometimes takes hitting bottom, an ego death to wake one up from complacency. It is easier to stay stuck even in inhumane or violent conditions because it is known. Change is scary. It takes courage and strength to change. It takes faith and intention. It takes leaders, ones that have walked the walk to show us the doors. While everyone’s path is different, there are markers that signify a choice or a fork in the road. This is where the human spirit is universal and it is an illusion that we are separate beings living a separate experience. My hope and dream for Nana is to step into the role as custodian to show and mediate with community to create healing for these traumas that have created separation.

My path of establishing the nonprofit at Nana was a rocky road. In 2019, I quit my job at The Next Door because I was dissatisfied with reinforcing bureaucracy that perpetuates trauma. I did not feel like I was part of the solution. I was not living my truth. This is where the real test began. I began teaching Yoga at a local studio and I was finding success. However, I had not done my work.

I have always struggled with mental health and addiction. In 2019, these issues became a reality check. I was forced to face my shadow and begin the uncomfortable work of digging through my unconscious. The outside world was reflecting back at me what was uncovered. Thanksgiving Day, 2019, I placed myself in harms way. I was unexpectedly thrown into a Capital T Trauma when two Peace Officers tackled me down a dark alley after an argument with a customer at the local Moose lodge. I was arrested and charged with attempted assault of a Peace Officer. I was angry and I felt the victim. It was here that I had to make a decision. Continue the cycle of victim and recreating trauma or shift my awareness and eliminate the influences, people, places and things that feed my wounds. I made the decision to take plea bargain after weighing the option of going to trial and realized it would be very difficult case to win. At the end of the day, I was not going to receive justice and I would be feeding into the same negativity that would keep me stuck. Moving forward, I needed to break away from old influences.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is the general consensus that there is no cure, only management. After my confrontation with the local police, I faced many consequences. I was fired from the local Yoga studio after my arrest was published in the local newspaper. I am forced to disclose my criminal charge if I apply for work or school. I felt my reputation was ruined. The irony is, if I had not been arrested, I would not have been fired and I would not have stumbled upon the opportunity to step out on my own.

As I started taking responsibility for my own healing, I stumbled upon a key that made the breakthrough to integration: Internal Family Systems created by Dr. Richard Schwartz. The premise is we have many parts or personalities that take on different roles to protect the core self. As the developing personality hits a Capital T Trauma, a part is forced to take on a role that was not intended. While it may seem maladaptive like a Borderline part, it is reacting from the time it developed and thinks it is protecting a vulnerable child even though the personality is a full grown adult. This was a major breakthrough for me. I started to befriend the part that I hated so much and had exiled. Shifts started occurring. I started making choices with clarity and my reactions were becoming more balanced. This system works for me and I would like to go into more detail but this is not the format. I am wanting to give the broad strokes as to how I arrived at this point in time.

I desire to show up as my authentic self as a teacher to others going through similar struggles. I can honestly say, the misfortunes I’ve encountered have made me stronger and I am doing things I was afraid to even consider years ago, like applying for this program. It is the pearl principle. With out the irritant of sand in the clam, the peal would not form. Without pain, there would have been no growth for me.

Looking ahead as I pursue this degree and education, I walk away with a new set of skills to set the nonprofit in motion to the next level. If feel with certitude that Nana will be successful and the people that need the service will arrive. I am calling on all the resources the universe has to offer: skills, talent, team and collaboration. I envision a ripple effect of bringing this Hawaiian practice Ho’oponopono to the Western mind in local communities into little satellites that can connect back to home base. In order to make this shift in these challenging times, we need to do things differently. It’s going to take a collective shift. While all the old knowledge is out there, science is catching up. I would like to see community research in these areas to make its mark.

Here goes…I submitted my personal statement. A big step. Whatever the outcome, I am acting despite my fears.

Self compassion is the keystone that holds together any spiritual work, personal recovery or healing. In order to do the heart work required for any practice, there is a necessary inquiry process of investigating the self. This brings up our shadows. This in turn brings out feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, fear and shame. This can be an uncomfortable place to be.

How do we navigate the discomfort of our shadow work? The first step is acceptance. Acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and refraining from trying to change what is beyond your control without learning the tools to change it. Wikapedia defines acceptance as “an agreement with oneself to appreciate, validate, and support the self as it is, despite deficiencies and negative past behavior.” Acceptance does not mean we are not working to change the behaviors that have caused us suffering. It simply means we are no longer rejecting ourselves. To reject ourselves is the root of all suffering.

At this particular moment in time, you are here now with your box of tools. How will you arrive at non judgement of yourself with choices you have made with those tools? Maybe these tools are outdated and need some upgrades. In order to do this sort of upgrade, one must befriend themselves. This can feel difficult as society has conditioned us to feel guiltily for any attention we place on ourselves. In reality, it is through taking the self as priority that we are able to make the kind of breakthroughs that impacts our future in a positive way. It has a kind of ripple effect that expands to all areas of life and all the people we touch.

Take this time now to tune in. What are the automatic messages that surface? Are they messages of compassion? If not, how can we dial our frequency so we are tuning into messages of love.

While this work is simple, it is not easy. It is a process of unearthing messages and a lifetime of conditioning to rewire our mind maps. These mind maps require the reflection of self compassion for growth.

What is your story?

How do you want to tell it? Our experience in life is determined by how we tell our stories. Each time we share our story, it becomes reinforced and intricately entwined. We are weaving the loom of our life story. If we follow a thread it becomes part of the tapestry.

The seasons and experiences of our life create an imprint which becomes part of one’s mind map. This mind map becomes the pattern to contain all future experiences and the experiences of the now.

Many of us are not aware of the power and potential of each experience as a teaching moment. As a opportunity to take a hold of the reins of our life to participate in it as a life of purpose.

It becomes necessary to examine the past and do one’s shadow work as a vehicle to heal and release. This allows room for creation to happen. Through the act of creating new images and intentions that align with your core values, you are retelling your story.

Each time you retell your story, you are creating a new mind map.

Your mind map is the tapestry of your new loom. It is the vessel and structure that allows room for these intentions to align.

As the master weaver of your loom, you get to decide which treads to keep and follow. Choosing the new threads becomes a conscious act that strengthens our life journey and that of others.

Keep your vision active with what you desire to manifest in your world.

Curious?

www.indigotravellers.net.