I desperately wanted to be a mother. But pregnancy was not easy for me.

In 2018, after struggling to get and stay pregnant, I came face to face with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG).

HG, a severe and potentially life-threatening form of nausea and/or vomiting during pregnancy, took a massive toll on my physical, mental, and emotional health. Rare complications made it even harder, and survival became my main focus.

I struggled to feel any connection to my baby and felt HORRIBLE because of it.

When pregnancy is difficult, high-risk, or traumatic, bonding with your unborn baby is challenging.

The kicker is that few people talk about this struggle, leaving many mothers feeling shameful, guilty, and isolated.

So, as a two-time HG survivor, wife, mother, and PhD, I am here to shed light on the realities of pregnancy and motherhood that often go unspoken…

If you are pregnant and struggling to connect with your baby, for whatever reason, I want you to know that you are not alone.

I also want to share with you some simple steps to start building a bond with your baby that will continue to grow long after they’re born.

These are the very steps I took to begin bonding with my son during my first traumatic pregnancy with HG, and today, we couldn’t be closer!

Step #1: Be Kind to Yourself

As mothers we can be incredibly hard on ourselves.

Give yourself grace and recognize that you are doing the best that you can in a tough situation. And let me be the first to tell you, it’s OK that you don’t feel connected to your baby right now.

You are not failing as a mother.

Pregnancy can be difficult, and you are doing the one thing that you baby needs to you to do right now…SURVIVING.

From my own experience, I can also tell you that the challenges you are facing right now will shape you into a resilient, present, and nurturing mother — if you let them.

Step#2: Talk to Your Baby (Or Write to Them)

The first time my mother told me to start talking to my unborn baby, it felt strange and forced. But over time, it became easier and really helped me feel more connected to him.

I would share my thoughts, the obstacles I was facing, and let him know that I was doing it all for him.

If talking is not your thing, try writing to your baby. Grab a journal and start with “Dear Baby.” Write whatever comes to mind, without judgment.

Over time, you might be surprised at how this practice helps lay a strong foundation for your relationship with your baby.

Struggling to get started?

In my experience, naming our son made a huge difference. Using his name when I spoke to him helped me build a stronger connection. He became a real person to me, not just the “baby” I couldn’t fully imagine.

We also named our second son during pregnancy, and I believe this helped my oldest start building a connection with his baby brother.

Step #3: Adopt a Team Mentality: You and Your Baby are in this Together

During a difficult pregnancy, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and isolated. Thinking of you and your baby as a team navigating this journey together can be incredibly powerful and helps take some pressure off.

Think of you and your baby as teammates, facing each day together. This shift in perspective can help you feel more connected and supported.

By adopting this mindset, you might find it easier to bond with them and recognize your shared strength in overcoming the challenges of your pregnancy.

To this day, I still talk to my sons about being a team. Whatever life throws at us, they know that we will face it together. As a team!

Step #4: Pick a Song for You and Your Baby — and Play It Every Day

Music can be a powerful tool for healing and connection. Choose a song that resonates with you and your baby’s journey and make listening to it a daily ritual.

Your song can also be something you turn to for comfort or a pick me up.

On days when you don’t have the energy or desire to talk, playing your song maintains a sense of connection and consistency. Your baby might even remember this song after they are born — my son did!

Final Thoughts

Pregnancy is often portrayed as a happy and enjoyable time where you naturally develop an unbreakable bond with your baby.

But what if it doesn’t happen that way?

The reality is that for many women, pregnancy isn’t a walk in the park — it’s a marathon.

If you’re struggling to feel connected to your baby, it’s OK.

By taking these simple steps, you might also be surprised at the strength of the bond you begin building with you baby.

The fact that you’ve read this far also tells me that you are an amazing mother, doing everything you can for your baby.

I know that pregnancy is hard, but you are doing an amazing job!

Keep going!

If you liked this article and read it until the end — thank you!

I’m new to Medium, but I have a lot to say about hyperemesis gravidarum and parenthood, so stay tuned!

Check out my article on the 3 Reasons You Don’t Feel Connected to Your Baby During Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) — And why it is OK

Find me on Instagram @HGmentor to learn more about my story, the support I offer HG Warriors and their families, and for pregnancy and parenting content you can relate to!

During my first pregnancy in 2018, I struggled to feel connected to my baby.

Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) had taken a toll on my physical, mental, and emotional health, and despite desperately wanting my baby, all I felt was sickness, guilt, and shame.

I now know I wasn’t alone in my experience, even though it’s something that’s rarely talked about.

So, to shed light on this and help dissolve the shame many HG Warriors feel, I’m sharing 3 key reasons why it’s hard to feel connected to your baby during pregnancy with HG — and why it’s ok.

This is a must-read for HG Warriors but also those in their support networks, shining a light on the need for greater understanding and support for these incredible women!

Reason #1: You Are in Survival Mode

When you’re battling HG, survival is your main priority. The relentless nausea, vomiting, and fatigue drain you, leaving little energy for anything else. Every day is about getting through the next hour, sometimes even the next minute. In this state, it is no wonder that connecting with your baby feels impossible.

It’s not that you don’t want to connect with your baby; it’s that your body and mind are consumed by the immediate need to survive. This is completely normal, and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad mother or that you won’t develop a strong bond with your baby later.

Survival is the priority right now, and that’s OK.

Reason #2: Disconnection from Your Body and Your Pregnancy

HG can make you feel like a stranger in your own body, as if your body is betraying you. The pregnancy you once looked forward to suddenly feels like a burden rather than the joyful experience you imagined.

This disconnection can make it hard to feel close to your baby.

When you’re battling HG, it’s easy to forget that you’re even pregnant. Your sickness can overshadow everything, including the happiness and excitement that typically comes with expecting a baby.

It’s also common to have mixed emotions about your pregnancy, as it is the source of your illness. This can trigger intense feelings of guilt and anxiety, further deepening the sense of disconnection from your pregnancy and your baby.

Remember, these feelings are valid and understandable for HG Warriors. They do not define your capacity to be a loving and caring mother.

Reason #3: Guilt, Anxiety, and Emotional Distance

As we touched on above, HG brings with it overwhelming guilt and anxiety that can create emotional distance between you and your baby. Many women who suffer from HG feel immense internal (and external) pressure to enjoy their pregnancy and provide the best possible environment for their growing baby.

The reality is that HG often makes this impossible.

You might also find yourself wrestling with the fact that the very life growing inside you is causing you so much pain and suffering. If your illness is preventing you from caring for your older children, it becomes even more complicated. This can create a complex and confusing emotional landscape that impacts your developing identity as a mother and your relationship with your baby.

I remember during my first pregnancy, apologizing to my baby, saying, “I’m so sorry, you deserve a better mother than me.” I even questioned whether he would forgive me for what I was putting him through.

These thoughts are heartbreaking but not uncommon, underscoring the need for compassionate understanding and support for women battling this condition.

Final Thoughts

Many women who suffer from HG struggle to feel connected to their unborn baby and worry about what this means for their relationship and their role as a mother.

If this is you, please know that you are NOT alone in feeling this way and you are NOT a bad mother.

When it comes to HG, survival is the name of the game. If that is all you can focus on right now, you are doing an amazing job!

If you liked this article and read it until the end — thank you!

I’m new to Medium, but I have a lot to say about hyperemesis gravidarum and parenthood, so stay tuned!

Find me on Instagram @HGmentor to learn more about my story, the support I offer HG Warriors and their families, and for pregnancy and parenting content you can relate to!