It’s a desperate feeling when you can’t think of a way to fix your relationship.

You’ve tried so hard. You’ve tried so much. And still, you and your partner just can’t see eye to eye.

Every time you try to talk it turns into yet another argument that just doesn’t go anywhere … just more silence.

You feel more distant and alone every time you try to connect. How can this be!?

You both say you want to be in this relationship so why can’t you make it work? Are you just wrong for each other?

Let’s see …

Sometimes we can look wrong for each other just because we lack the necessary skills or perspective to get back on the same side and get through our challenges together. After all, no one really taught us how to be healthy and secure in our adult relationships, right?

So before you throw in the towel, read on and reflect to find out whether you’re with the wrong person or not.

Are You Emotionally Safe For Each Other?

Without emotional safety, nothing works.

If you criticise, judge or invalidate each other by making each other wrong for how you feel or what you need and want, you’re not safe for each other to open up to. This blocks connection and derails communication.

You need to focus on listening and validating instead of trying to be heard or proving that you’re right.

Focus on becoming safe for each other so you can both open up more and connect more deeply.

What To Try To Become ‘The One’ When It Comes To Emotional Safety

• Let your partner talk about how they feel or what’s going on for them to understand their perspective, position and concerns. Don’t judge or tell them why they’re wrong (even if you want to!). This shows that you genuinely care about what’s going on for them. It allows them to feel heard.
• Don’t complain (or demand). Instead, figure out what you want and respectfully ask how you can both make that happen in a way that works for both of you.
• Be tactfully open, honest and transparent with your actions, choices and thoughts. This is how you show your partner that they can trust you.

Do You Make Each Other ‘The Bad Guy’?

If you don’t give each other the benefit of

the doubt and instead accuse and blame each other, you take opposing positions. This means that you’re now seeing each other as enemies. You are NOT on the same side. You are NOT united. It is impossible to feel how you want to feel from that position.

When you treat each other as a threat, it puts you both in survival mode (fight or flight). Nothing good can happen when you’re in

that space.

What To Try To Become ‘The One’ When It Comes To Creating A Secure Mindset

• Try to approach your partner with curiosity instead of judgment or condemnation. Try to find out what is going on for them before jumping to negative conclusions.
• Can you give your partner the benefit of the doubt? (This does NOT apply when abuse, cheating or lying is part of your issues!)
• What negative stories about your partner or fear-based filters can you choose to let go of so you can see each other with more clarity, goodwill, compassion and love?

Do You Accept Each Other?

You are definitely not with ‘The One’ if you try to change who they are.

There is a big difference between feeling annoyed by your partner’s behaviours and feeling annoyed by who they are.

It’s important not to make behaviours that annoy you mean something negative about your partner’s personality.

The second you stoop to the level of character assassination you destroy both emotional safety and goodwill.

What To Try To Become ‘The One’ When It Comes To Acceptance & Worth

• Know what you want and what’s good for you. Then choose someone who fits that. DO NOT choose a project! You want a partner.
• Accept that your partner will annoy you from time to time. This is (unfortunately) normal. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong for you UNLESS you find what they do intolerable.
• Focus on what you can control (yourself) instead of what you can’t (another human being). How do you want to change?

Other Common Issues

The following can also make you doubt your partner:

• unhealed wounds from the past
• repeating past relationship patterns
• being controlled by your insecurities
• thinking unhealthy behaviours like being controlling are ‘normal’
• being confrontational or difficult
• being difficult to please
• thinking you’re always right

Here Is What You Need To Know

No one was born with perfect relationship skills.

I think it’s safe to say that most of us were deprived of being taught and modelled healthy and functional relationship skills.

And there is no shame in that. We are here to learn and grow.

The question is:

What you are going to do about it now?

• Are you going to stay stuck in the same destructive relationship cycles, feeding your toxic shame and never feeling truly safe, secure and settled in your romantic relationship?
• Are you going to suck it up and stay in a relationship that doesn’t really work for you because it feels like the easiest option?
• Are you going to leave and try again with another person only to encounter the same problem time and time again?

OR …

… are you going to get ok with not knowing it all so you can open up to learning and unlearning whatever it is that stands in your way of giving and receiving love in an adult relationship?

Because that’s the journey I have been on. It definitely feels like the most empowering option. The option that ultimately led me to being in my first healthy relationship ever.

• I did not want to be held hostage by my patterns and my past.
• I did not want to stand in my own way anymore.
• I did not want to tolerate bad behaviours because I hated conflict.
• I did not want to make myself insignificant or invisible anymore because I struggled to override my codependent and people-pleasing tendencies.
• I did not want to repeat the mistakes of the past. And so, I had to learn to accept my limitations.

Because that’s what it took to move forwards to create the change I actually wanted to make happen.

So just know that you are not alone in this.

And that if I can do it, so can you.

Let’s do it together.

With Love, Marlena

“Even if I get out of this relationship, I am not sure I’ll ever find anyone good to be with …”

It’s understandable to have this worry. After all, you don’t have any proof to the contrary, do you?

But I want to share 5 reasons with you for why you don’t have to worry about dating or future partner choice.

Most of my clients who are trying to leave a relationship they’re unhappy in and or that’s unhealthy for them wonder if they will ever manage to date successfully or attract a healthy partner.

They have a lot of concerns that sound like this.

“I’m not sure there are any good people out there anymore.”

“Maybe I’m too old.”

“Dating is for young people. There’s no real choice out there in my age group.”

“Maybe I just need to be realistic and settled for this even though it really doesn’t feel right.”

“I’m scared of making a mistake again. What if I don’t see the red flags before it’s too late?”

And so on and so forth.

If that’s something that goes through your mind, something that might stop you from leaving an unhappy or unhealthy relationship, I want you to know this.

There are good people out there.

I have amazing male and female clients and I promise you that there are people who care, there are people who are emotionally available, there are people who are willing to learn and grow with someone else, there are people who want to be a great partner.

But these people, while or after working with me, they also know their worth and they know what to bring to the table.

That is why their choices are different to what they were like before. Makes sense, right?

(That’s the main difference between the partner choices they made then and the partner choices to go to make going forward.)

You have become a different version of yourself.

You know more and you are more.

You’re not going to hustle for love or devalue yourself anymore. You’re past that. You have outgrown it.

This version of you is going to make good choices going forward. You have learnt from the mistakes of the past. Nothing can reverse that. You will not go against the flow of nature and evolution and go back. It can’t happen.

You’ve raised the bar.

When we first start to look for a partner, we have different standards. There are different things we look for which we later realise aren’t that important after all. We’ve learnt that the hard way, haven’t we?

Today, you know what matters. You will look for it. You will find it. You won’t be distracted by superficialities. Not if you do your inner work and decondition your original relationship blueprint.

You don’t need a relationship.

This is one of the most empowering realisations you will ever have.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel happy, to feel good about yourself, to feel secure or to live a fulfilling life.

Take the need out of relationships which removes the desperation and you’ll approach relationships with a totally different type of energy. That will make all the difference!

You are the proof.

You question whether genuine people still exist.

Well, you do. You exist. You are here.

You are interested in a healthy, secure and reciprocal relationship.

You are the proof.

And even though we all like to feel special, it would be wrong to assume that you’re the only person on the planet who wants a great relationship. You are not alone.

What You Need To Know

Our mind can take us to dark places. Fear contaminates how we view things. I have gone through this process myself and I have guided hundreds of private clients and students through it too.

There are strategic steps you can take to find out what you need to do next. No more overthinking, worrying or doubting yourself.

You know what feels right and what doesn’t. Let’s start to act on it. We can do this together. You are not alone in this.

Just message me at lovewithclarity@gmail.com or on Instagram to get started.

With Love, Marlena

You’ve had a million conversations and a million arguments.

They’ve made a million promises that were broken time and time again.

You’ve tried to change everything you could change without completely losing and compromising yourself.

And yet, here you are.

Done.

Just done.

So tired of it all.

No fight left.

Ready to let it all go.

You’ve never felt like this before but this is the done you don’t come back from.

And yet, despite knowing this you struggle to leave.

You’re afraid of what’s next.

You hate the unpredictability of it all.

But most of all, you feel guilty.

Because now, after all this time, your partner is actually trying.

WTH!?

Did it have to take you being done and emotionally detaching from your relationship for your partner to take you seriously?

Why now?

And is it all just an act?

Now the doubts are resurfacing.

Maybe you should try again.

Maybe you’re too demanding.

Maybe this and maybe that.

The truth is that you just don’t feel how you want to feel anymore.

And that’s what you need to honour.

Anything else is self-abandonment.

When the light goes out, the light goes out.

It’s not just like that for you.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

It’s just that you’re exhausted from trying to make something work all by yourself.

And a relationship needs both partners to put in 100%.

You can never make up for a lack of your partner’s input.

No matter how hard you try. No matter how much you sacrifice. No matter how much potential you believe there to be.

It can’t all be on you.

Because at one point you’ll be done.

And that’s where you’re finding yourself now.

Your partner finally trying to change just makes it harder for you to do what you know you need to do: leave.

Not because you’re spiteful.

Not because you’re giving up.

Not because you didn’t value this relationship.

No. None of that.

You’re ready to leave because you’re ready for real love and connection.

One you have been fighting for for so long but never received.

This relationship serves as a reminder of that.

Your battle with unworthiness.

But you’ve won.

You can now see very clearly that you are worthy of more.

No games.

No self-sacrifice.

No fake-changed behaviour under duress.

You value yourself too much to coerce a false sense of ‘love’.

You know it when you feel it.

And you just don’t feel it any more.

Yes, it’s sad.

Yes, it’s bad timing (or is it?!)

Yes, it would be easier if you could feel differently.

But the reality is that you don’t.

You’ve fought so hard.

And now you’re done.

That your partner isn’t done is not something that should hold you back from doing what is right for you, what you know you need to do.

Learn to Leave.

Choosing yourself is a vital component of healthy relating.

There is no self-sacrifice or self-abandonment in healthy relationships.

This means that you have to know how to choose yourself.

Choosing yourself means that you acknowledge your responsibilities to yourself.

It is the promise to yourself to make yourself matter in healthy, considerate and loving ways.

This does not mean that you dominate, overpower or control others.

Choosing yourself is about elevating and equalising in relationships.

This is inherently healthy and loving.

You choose yourself every time you ask yourself what you really want and then share it with your partner.

You also choose yourself every time you seek win-win solutions in your relationship.

These are solutions and outcomes that work for you and your partner.

Because contrary to common belief one partner does not have to lose so the other one can win.

This seesaw approach to relationship is what ultimately ends relationships.

It leads you back to self-abandonment when self-abandonment is a habit that leads to an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

If a relationship requires you to abandon yourself, I can guarantee that it isn’t a healthy dynamic.

This is when you have to lean into choosing yourself because that is the first step towards creating a healthier dynamic and potentially saving that relationship.

If a relationship falls apart because you choose yourself, be reassured that that is not the right relationship for you because no matter how much you might love that person or how much you might want that relationship to work out it was always based on the need for you to abandon yourself.

Self abandonment can never lead to healthy connection because it is based on internal disconnection.

You simply cannot achieve an outcome with input that doesn’t match up.

It’s a desperate feeling when you can’t think of a way to fix your relationship.

You’ve tried so hard. You’ve tried so much. And still, you and your partner just can’t see eye to eye.

Every time you try to talk it turns into yet another argument.

You feel more distant and alone every time you try to connect. How can this be!?

You both say you want to be in this relationship so why can’t you make it work?

Let’s see …

You are not emotionally safe for each other.

Without emotional safety, nothing works.

If you criticise, judge or invalidate each other, you’re not safe for each other to open up to.

You need to focus on listening and validating instead of trying to be heard or proving that you’re right.

Stop finding fault with your partner and appreciate their positive traits and contributions.

Focus on being safe for each other so you can both open up more and connect more deeply.

You don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Instead, you are accusing and blaming each other and thereby taking opposing positions which means you’re now seeing each other as enemies.

This stops you from solving problems and strengthening your relationship because you’re not united and treating each other as a threat. This puts you in survival mode (fight or flight).

You try to change your partner.

Love is about accepting each other and focusing on each other’s strength, not getting obsessed with trying to change aspects of your partner you wish were different.

There is a big difference between feeling annoyed by your partner’s behaviours and feeling annoyed by who they are.

It’s important not to make behaviours that annoy you mean something negative about your partner’s personality.

The second you stoop to the level of character assassination you destroy both emotional safety and goodwill.

You misinterpret things through the lens of fear.

Instead of being neutral about why your partner does what they do, you interpret it in such a way that confirms your fears.

Then you argue. But it doesn’t go anywhere.

Because one partner accuses while the other defends.

Different versions of reality. Different stories created by minds in survival mode.

This is where you need to elevate beyond the pattern and dig deeper:

Why are your deepest fears?

What are you trying to avoid?

What filters are you seeing things through?

Rejection? Abandonment? Unworthiness?

Or maybe injustice or entitlement?

You don’t listen.

When you listen, you show that you care.

When you don’t, your partner cannot feel heard or seen or safe to open up to you.

Arguments get out of hand when we refuse to listen to each other and begin to talk at each other.

The more we do so, the more we frustrate each other, escalate and lash out.

This creates deep ruptures that can be difficult to recover from.

Before you learn to leave, learn to listen.

You are not kind.

We need to be kind to each other. We need gentleness, warmth and understanding.

If you are harsh when your partner opens up to you, you’ll hurt them more deeply.

If you are not careful with your partner’s feelings, you’ll lose their trust.

If you complain about every little thing that annoys you, how can your partner feel that you prioritise your overall relationship experience over your own preferences?

We need to be a lot kinder if we want to sustain emotionally healthy, loving and secure relationships.

Because kindness nourishes and strengthens. It’s the lifeblood of relationships.

You have a confrontational attitude.

In a healthy relationship, partners are on the same side. This allows them to unite against problems, solve them and feel united and bonded.

If every time you feel uncomfortable or have a problem and then blame your partner for it or accuse them of contributing to your negative experience, you make them your enemy.

With that energetic shift, you are no longer safe for each other. It’s an immediate disconnect, loss of goodwill and breach of trust.

Notice when you shift into accusatory mode. Notice when you make your partner responsible for how you perceive things, feel or react.

This is where your inner growth and self-regulation come in.

You let your insecurities control you.

We all have insecurities. How we handle them makes all the difference.

Too many of us try to control our partner so we don’t feel insecure.

But insecurity is an inner problem that requires an inner solution.

Just think about this: you can be in a relationship with different people but you bring your insecurities and triggers into each relationship. You feel them no matter who you are with. So how can you blame the other person for what is going on inside of you?

That’s why being controlling in relationships does nothing but damage and stops you from healing, growing and developing more emotional maturity.

What You Need To Know

No one was born with perfect relationship skills.

I think it’s safe to say that most of us were deprived of being taught and modelled healthy and functional relationship skills.

And there is no shame in that. We are here to learn and grow.

The question is what you are going to do about it now.

Are you going to stay stuck in the same destructive relationship cycles, feeding your toxic shame and never feeling truly safe, secure and settled in your romantic relationship?

Are you going to suck it up and stay in a relationship that doesn’t really work for you because it feels like the easiest option?

Are you going to leave and try again with another person only to encounter the same problem time and time again?

Or are you going to get ok with not knowing it all so you can open up to learning and unlearning whatever it is that stands in your way of giving and receiving love in an adult relationship?

Because that’s what I’m trying to do. It feels like the most empowering option.

I do not want to be held hostage by my patterns and my past.

I do not want to stand in my own way anymore.

I do not want to tolerate bad behaviours because I fear conflict.

I do not want to make myself insignificant because I struggle to override my codependent and people-pleasing tendencies.

I do not want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

And so, I have to accept my limitations.

Because that’s what it takes to move forward and create the change I actually want to make happen.

You are not alone in this.

Let’s do it together.

With Love, Marlena

Have you been waiting for your partner to change but no matter what you say or do your partner just won’t change?

You know that something doesn’t work for you but you don’t want to leave because what if your partner changes when you break up and then you’ll have massive regret?

Where does this fear of missing out in relationships come from?

This fear comes because we can sense the potential of our partner and the relationship.

So for your brain, this is a reality you could be experiencing. It is a reality your attachment system wants to be experiencing.

And yet you’re not experiencing it because your partner doesn’t want to be that version of themselves. Not now. Maybe not ever. But maybe just not with you. That is a possibility too.

This doesn’t mean anything about you or your worth but it is a reflection on the dynamics you have co-created within that relationship.

Maybe your partner’s refusal to change is down to an invisible power struggle.

Maybe they don’t feel loved for who they are so they refuse to become who they could be.

Or maybe they’re happy with who they are and how they are and they simply don’t want to change.

Either way you have to accept the reality of what is.

Staying attached to the potential of what could be can make you waste years in a relationship that just isn’t right for you.

This doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or with your partner but that this relationship just isn’t how it should be or could be — probably for both of you.

You can explore the reason why that might be the case with a fully trained professional like me so that you can give it one last shot and know that you have done everything you could to save this relationship and find happiness within it.

Message me if that’s something you want to do.

The most important aspect to this problem is getting a deeper understanding of why you are finding yourself in this situation.

Ask yourself the following questions for more awareness and understanding:

• Why do I want my partner to change?
• How do they want me to change?
• How do we both have to change to make this relationship work?
• Why might my partner refuse to change? (List all the reasons you can think of why your partner might refuse to change.)
• What makes you resistant to changing or giving up the idea that your partner should change?

Bonus Tip

List what currently isn’t working for you and then think about whether this is an incompatibility you could work through with some individual or couples sessions with me or whether any of them are actual dealbreakers that if fully accepted and faced would mean the end of that relationship (and so you’re in denial about them).

To learn how to spot incompatibilities and dealbreakers in your relationship and what to do about them, join my powerful and eye-opening ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go?’ program.

Find out what your next step is in an effective, efficient and compassionate way. DM me ‘SOG’ on Instagram for more information.

Having doubts about your relationship is tough.

Because you want it to work but for some reason it just doesn’t.

And it might be that

• your partner isn’t very kind, loving, respectful or emotionally available
• you feel like you constantly have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner
• your partner tells you that you’re too much, too anxious or too sensitive
• you feel like you’re carrying the relationship and are the only adult in it

But whatever it is, there are 5 signs that it’s just not working for you anymore. Let’s find out what they are!

Are you looking forward to seeing your partner or do you feel rather indifferent?

Even in a long-term relationship, you can look forward to seeing your partner.

It might not feel like the rush of excitement you experienced in the first few months but it is there.

• You look forward to spending time with them.
• You put thought and effort into spending time with them.
• You prioritise spending time with them.
• You try to be present when you’re with them.

This shows that you want and choose to be with your partner and it’s not out of obligation or habit.

Do you feel that your partner cares about you?

You get out of a relationship what you put in.

So if you’re not happy outside of a relationship, you won’t know how to be happy inside of one.

But what if what you put in isn’t appreciated or reflected?

What if no matter how often you ask your partner to be kinder to you, more considerate, more affectionate, more intimate with you, it just falls on deaf ears? Or you are being made wrong for wanting that?

How easy is it going to be for you to remain happy when what concerns you seems to stop mattering to your partner?

Your concerns matter. A lot. They should also matter to your partner. A lot.

Do you have a special connection with your partner that feels deep and nourishing?

Or do you have a superficial relationship in which you focus on daily responsibilities and chores?

Do you make an effort to have 1–1 time?

Do you continue to court each other? To have date nights? To sneak off for a more passionate kiss or maybe something more?

Do you prioritise creating opportunities for experiencing more vulnerability, romance, passion and intimacy?

The second you start treating your partner like part of the furniture and you take them for granted, you begin to erode the special bond that drew you together.

Do you feel liked and valued as a person?

Do you feel that your partner likes and appreciates you? Does your partner compliment you, focus on your strengths and express gratitude for being who you are?

Or is there negative judgment and criticism?

A lack of tolerance for differences?

Your past being used against you?

Your values and desires questioned?

Your character attacked?

So that you simply can’t feel heard, seen and freely loved for who you are.

If that is the case, it’s time to re-evaluate!

It is not good for you to be in a relationship in which the person who is supposed to like you and think of you in the best possible light thinks of you worse than most people.

Do you have your best times with your partner or with other people?

When it comes to having fun and enjoying yourself and your life, is your partner a vital factor in this?

Is your partner your go-to person when you need emotional support or want to talk about deeper, more meaningful things?

Do you have real fun together or does your relationship look good superficially while lacking real depth, vulnerability and connection?

Your relationship will feel the most fulfilling and be affair-proof when you both make an effort to be the most special person for each other.

What Your Answers Reveal

Every NO to any of the previous questions is a sign that something isn’t right and needs to be addressed to prevent a full relationship breakdown.

It’s important to get clear on the root cause of a relationship problem or general relationship dissatisfaction to find a matching solution that can help to turn things around.

To gain more clarity around which steps to take next, request the FREE GUIDE with 5 revealing questions that will help you to determine whether you should stay or go.

Visit www.epiclove.me/5questions to download it now.

With Love, Marlena

“If only my partner would change this one thing, then we’d be alright!”.

I cannot begin to count how many times I have heard a client say this to me. And yes, I’ve thought it too.

So what’s it about?

Do we just have to accept, tolerate, settle and put on a brave face?

Or can we get our partner to change?

The black and white reply is that no, you cannot get someone to change especially not if it’s against their will.

And maybe you have tried all sorts of reasoning, pleading and maybe even covert (or overt!) manipulation to save your relationship (and peace of mind).

So what do you do if there’s something you don’t feel like you can live with but you also don’t want to break up your relationship and start over?

I have 3 suggestions you may want to try out and work through.

Be honest.

Get very clear about what bothers you and what you want instead.

Then have a calm and neutral conversation to explain how what your partner does or doesn’t do affects you and what you are hoping to experience instead.

Own your experience.

Avoid being critical, making accusations or blaming them for your feelings.

Whatever it is that they’re doing or not doing that is bothering you do some shadow work around that and check in with yourself:

• Where do you behave in that way and why?
• Why is this bothering you so much? Does it remind you of anything you’ve experienced in the past?
• How can you be or do more of what you wish your partner was doing?
• Is this something that can exclusively come from your partner or can you draw on different sources?

Change the dynamic.

Whenever there is something that our partner does or doesn’t do that bothers us, there is a logical counter-response to this.

Knowing what you do that gives space to your partner’s undesirable behaviour is key in changing your dynamics.

This can be tricky to spot and usually needs professional one-to-one support (message me if you want to work with me).

Remember that another human being is not within your zone of control and that it is not loving or respectful to try and change someone in order to feel more pleased by them.

(Obviously, we need to discern whether it is an annoying habit or an unhealthy or even toxic trait that impacts you negatively.)

So be very honest with yourself and check whether this is actually the person you want to be in a relationship with. This can be a hard truth to face but it is inevitable.

In codependent relationships, we believe that everyone has to sacrifice themselves to provide someone else with something that they want or need.

It is a relationship model that is purely based on keeping things the same and sacrificing yourself to do so.

What this requires is:

• Dismissing what you want to need while prioritising what others want to need
• Trying to manage other people’s moods while controlling yours through emotional inhibition and suppression
• Denying that there are any problems and playing happy families anyway
• Not communicating any real feelings, wants or needs or setting any boundaries with others to protecting your wellbeing, energy, resources, time and peace of mind
• Sacrificing your goals and dreams in life because you feel obliged to serve others to be seen as a good person at the expense authentic self-Expression and your personal development and evolution
• Bolstering a weak sense of self and lack of confidence with other people’s approval, praise and validation through people-pleasing, walking on eggshells and pretending to be happy and easy-going

(This isn’t an extensive list by any means!)

When we are committed to the codependent relationship model, anything healthy will trigger us and we will strongly oppose it and fight against it.

This means that

• A partner who is encouraged to become more independent and self-sufficient will come up with multitude of excuses (that sound reasonable) as to why that is not a good idea, is not convenient or possible at this point in time.
• A partner who is called out for being overly argumentative, angry, irritable or moody will also find reasons for why that is not possible by only focusing on anything that isn’t how they think it should be or anything that annoys them or makes them uncomfortable.
• A partner who doesn’t want to communicate clearly or assertively will also find reasons for why that’s not possible for them because maybe they find their partner too intimidating or too self-assured.
• Someone whose partner complains about a lack of emotional, physical or sexual intimacy will also come up with excuses about why that is not something they’re able to help their partner co-create or why that’s simply not possible or realistic.

The codependent relationship system is built on excuses for why someone cannot change, grow and create healthy adult (!!!) relationships that meet everyone’s needs in healthy, balanced, reciprocal and varied ways.

Codependent relationships have traits of parent and child dynamics in which one partner over-performs in one area while the other one chronically underperforms and so forces the over-performer to make up for a lack of effort, input and contribution.

The over-performer is usually required to ‘ shut up and put up’ and to settle for something that they don’t want and that doesn’t meet their healthy needs for connection, intimacy and belonging.

This leads to resentment and stifled growth for both partners even though one partner is usually ‘happy’ about this because they can maintain the fantasy of ‘the codependent dream’.

Codependent under-performers are usually very good at providing excuses for why they cannot change or should not change or should not be expected to ‘grow up’ to meet their adult responsibilities.

No one can be shamed into healing and growth.

That is a choice that everyone has to make for themselves.

Unfortunately, many people who are entrenched in codependent habits and patterns refuse to accept that there is anything wrong with how they are choosing to live their lives because so many people around them make the same unhealthy choices and so this dysfunctional belief system about what relationships are supposed to be like becomes externally reinforced despite the damage it creates.

Too often, the under performers then have to face the harsh consequences of clinging on to the codependent way of living such as their partner leaving them (maybe for someone else), other relationships breaking down or even becoming physically ill due to the unhealthy relational lifestyle they keep exposing themselves and others to that causes a lot of stress and emotional, physical and energetic dysregulation.

If you can relate to any of this, please do not worry.

I want you to know that you can break free from codependency and create healthier relationships with people who respect you and who you respect enough to not force each other into a position of having to sacrifice yourselves, your truth, your power, your needs, your preferences or your relationship vision and life goals.

Someone who truly loves you won’t ask you to

• abandon yourself
• lose yourself in the relationship so they can dominate and get more of what they want
• guilt-trip you into giving them more than you feel comfortable with
• diminish your growth and stop yourself from healing, growing, learning and evolving as an autonomous individual
• stifle your self-expression
• force you to walk on eggshells because they refuse to take responsibility for their feelings and moods and for managing them

If they do, make them aware of it. We all have ‘bad’ habits — this doesn’t make anyone toxic.

Having others shine a light on what isn’t so good and doesn’t work so well is what allows us to heal and break unhealthy and codependent habits.

That’s when we use our inner healing and growth journey as a portal for relational growth.

We come to realise that

• Love doesn’t mean having to sacrifice yourself to please others and meet their expectations.
• Love allows us to be our most fully expressed selves.
• Love allows us to be free to grow as individuals and as a couple at the same time.
• Love never asks us to compromise our values, integrity, truth and power.
• Love doesn’t want us to play small, stay small or maintain old habits to avoid the discomfort of growth.
• Love motivates us to learn better relational skills such as clearer communication or conflict resolution.

Love doesn’t hurt. Codependency does.

Find out whether this doomed dynamic is breaking your relationship apart and making you wonder whether you should stay or go.

I invite you to join the ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ program at www.epiclove.me/stayorgo

Please message me on Instagram if you want to work with me on a 1–1 basis for a deep dive into the habits that stop you from having a fulfilling, fun and loving relationship and to make positive change happen fast.

With Love, Marlena

“It was 7pm and my wife went to bed. But she didn’t go to sleep — she spent 3 hours on Instagram.”

“We were so busy with work, we had hardly seen each other and then when we had a weekend together, my boyfriend chose to go out with his mates.”

“My partner used to meet me for lunch because he wanted to see me but more recently he finds more reasons not to meet up.”

What draws us to each other is always a mutual wanting to be together and wanting to spend time together.

That’s what we’re looking for.

It is what helps us to feel liked, wanted and appreciated.

It’s easy to want to be with someone when they want to be with you.

It creates a positive relationship cycle that elevates your relationship esteem as well as your self-esteem.

Many people call it the honeymoon phase. I call it the ‘loving input’ phase.

Why?

Because you contribute positively and lovingly.

You make an effort.

You show the other person that you want to see them.

You initiate contact.

You respond positively to bids for connection.

You make bids for connection.

You change your routine to create space for your partner.

You show them that you want them.

Your input is loving and attentive.

That’s why the relationship thrives.

That’s why you feel good.

That’s how you bond.

So then, we get complacent.

We think that a relationship should just work by itself.

Because that’s how life works, right?

WRONG!

Nothing works if there is no effective input.

And relationships are no different!

It’s not the honeymoon phase that ends.

It’s your intentional input that changes.

And that’s how your relationship dynamics get affected.

That’s how your relationship takes a turn for the worse.

I am not saying that you have to be full-on every day.

I am not saying that you have to have over-the-top displays of affection scheduled in.

I am not saying that you have to exhaust yourself to make your relationship work.

What I am saying is that you have to show your partner that you want to be with them.

Your actions matter.

The truth lies in your actions.

In the beginning of your relationship, you chose to spend time with your partner.

You prioritised spending time with them and being close to them.

Your desire, your intention, your words and your actions all aligned.

This brings a great deal of safety in terms of predictability and trust to the relationship. It’s how you form a secure base that allows your relationship to thrive.

You don’t leave them wondering where they stand on your list of priorities. They know. They see it. You show it. You live it.

So if you’re in a relationship in which your partner constantly chooses to do anything but spend time with you, you are not going crazy. You’re not reading the wrong things into this situation. You are not too needy or sensitive.

Have the conversation.

Talk to improve and save your relationship.

You need to make sure that you still want each other and that you still want to be together.

You need to find out if you’re still on the same page and willing to do what it takes to bring back the love and re-establish a positive relationship cycle that nourishes you both.

Yes, life is busy. Yes, parenting is hard.

But getting divorced because you don’t prioritise spending time together and protecting your relationship foundation is indefinitely harder.

You can try to talk your way out of showing that you love someone. You can try and talk yourself out of feeling emotionally neglected.

But no matter what mental gymnastics you try to apply, you can never escape the truth. Because the truth will always show up again and make you feel it until you accept to deal with it.

Life is too short to go without the love you need.

Stop settling for less than you want.

Choose yourself and choose real love, not low-effort relationships that deprive you of the connection all healthy humans need.

Your needs are valid. What you want matters. Compatibility counts.

I invite you to join the ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go?’ program to find out how to save your relationship or whether it’s time to walk away and move on.

With Love, Marlena