Defining Intimacy

So, what does intimacy mean to you? For me, intimacy has taken on a deeply personal meaning. It’s about peeling away the layers of fear and mistrust that have wrapped around my heart for so long, allowing myself to be vulnerable and real. It’s about letting myself feel-really feel-the warmth of a hug, the comfort of a touch, and the joy of a connection. When I allow myself to be intimate with someone, or even with myself, I find a more authentic version of myself emerging. I say things I never knew I could voice. I feel a softness, an embrace of safety that I had never known until I chose to be intimate with someone out of my own volition and on my own terms. That choice defined intimacy for me, revealing how soothing and fulfilling these connections-sexual or otherwise-can be. Intimacy, at its core, is emotional, physical, and sexual, but above all, it is safe. It is the reclamation of an agency that was once taken away.

Emotional Impacts of CSA

Let’s talk about the emotional impacts of CSA. CSA doesn’t just affect our bodies; it seeps into every corner of our lives, particularly our relationships. Trust? It’s been shattered and pieced together so many times it feels like a fragile mosaic. Vulnerability? That’s a tricky beast, significantly when your earliest lessons about it were marred by betrayal.

Rebuilding trust after such profound experiences/deep wounds is incredibly challenging. It demands patience and a lot of self-compassion. My past made it hard to trust myself, let alone others. Therefore, emotional intimacy as a sphere was complicated by these trust issues, fear of vulnerability, and struggles with feelings of worthiness. Naturally, it led to more complexities around touch and sexual relationships — triggers, boundaries, and the ongoing process of reclamation of one’s body.

Rebuilding Trust and Setting Boundaries

Relationships post-CSA are like navigating a minefield. Every step feels uncertain. But here’s the thing-we get to set the rules now. Communication is our compass. Telling a partner about your past isn’t easy, but it’s crucial. It’s about saying, “This is me. These are my scars. If you’re here, you need to understand and respect that”. Throughout my life, the partners I’ve had were always made aware of my experiences and trauma related to sexual assault. Clear communication about what’s okay and what’s not was essential, and thankfully, they were all understanding.

And then there are boundaries. Oh, those blessed boundaries! They’re not walls to keep people out but gates we control, deciding who gets in and how far. It’s about creating a safe space where intimacy can thrive without the shadow of past trauma. Bottom line — setting boundaries is crucial to avoid future emotional turmoil. Also, seeking support from therapists, other professionals, and trusted friends can ease the healing process. I regularly work with a therapist for my other mental health issues, and sexual trauma often comes up. This therapeutic support has been invaluable over the long term.

Exploring Pleasure and Reclaiming Sexuality

Let’s talk about sex now-awkward, I know, but necessary. CSA twists our relationship with our bodies and pleasure. For the longest time, my body felt like a battleground. Reclaiming it meant redefining pleasure on my terms. It’s about exploring what feels good, what feels safe, and doing so unapologetically. And remember, empowerment comes from choice-from saying yes to what feels right and no to what doesn’t. That is where we reconnect with our bodies, not as sources of pain but as vessels of joy and pleasure.

The concept of pleasure is subjective and deeply influenced by past experiences, including trauma. There’s no single definition of pleasure, and recognizing this is vital. Understanding what shapes our idea of pleasure involves looking at it from a distance and identifying all the elements that form it. Trust me, exploring these aspects can elevate our experiences so much. Let’s not allow our past to define our pleasure. Let’s take it slow but explore, reconnect with our bodies, and allow ourselves to enjoy it. At the end of the day, it’s our body and ours alone.

Intersectionality in Intimacy

Intersectionality in intimacy adds another layer to the conversation. Intimacy is not the same for everyone, not just because it’s inherently subjective but also due to the different intersections of our identities. Cultural, religious, and social backgrounds all impact the experience of reclaiming intimacy and sexuality. They add complexities, but also unique strengths. As a Muslim, queer woman, my experience of sexual intimacy differs from my partner who is queer but not Muslim, and from my sister who is Muslim but not queer.

Personal Stories and Shared Experiences

Alright, let me bring some personal anecdotes here. There have been multiple instances where my sexual partner and I have broken down post-coitus. Sometimes, we had to stop midway due to flashbacks. Being on the asexual spectrum, there was a time when I thought my lack of attraction was solely due to my assault experiences. I know some non-hetero people who avoid specific genders (primarily men, let’s accept it!) because of gruesome memories. My major CSA experiences occurred before I turned 10, leading to body dysmorphia — guess what, I hated my labia back then, thinking it was malformed due to the assault. That is to say, the connection between my body image and past trauma was profound, and I know that it can take a thousand different forms. (Hey there, I hope you get to love your body more!) Whenever something went wrong sexually, I tended to link it back to the assaults, giving it a permanent, negative tint. Flashbacks could trigger sudden tremors, and the idea of pleasure itself seemed convoluted by those experiences. Our exploration of pleasure is often shaped by our past, too. There’s always a level of fear involved in exploring, and even more in receiving pleasure.

A heartfelt shoutout to every sensitive and accommodating partner we’ve all had-they make the journey easier. I can’t even fathom the plight of those married off to some random person and getting stuck with them for life. CSA survivors, especially in cultures like mine (I am Indian, btw!), often face further torment and discussions around losing virginity and stuff like that. This fear and hesitance can manifest as shyness and fear in exercising agency — I mean, how much more than bodily autonomy is getting compromised by CSA, huh? For instance, I love kink, but to think how this realm can be incredibly taxing and frightening for those whose rights to pleasure have been compromised is just so outrageous!

Navigating these complexities requires patience, support, and a deep understanding of oneself. Reclaiming intimacy and sexuality is a continuous process. It’s not a destination but a journey. Some days, the path is clear and bright; others, it’s shrouded in fog. And that’s okay. What matters is that we keep moving, keep healing, and keep reclaiming what’s ours. It involves redefining intimacy, rebuilding trust, and exploring the intersections of our identities. It’s about setting boundaries, seeking support, and allowing ourselves to feel pleasure on our terms.

Final Thoughts

To my fellow survivors: Your scars do not define you. They are badges of your strength and resilience. Let’s keep challenging the norms, setting our own rules, and reclaiming our narratives. Our voices are powerful. Together, we can create a chorus that echoes with strength, courage, and unwavering determination to reclaim our lives and intimacy.

And hey, if today you’re just surviving, that’s enough. Your very existence is a form of resistance. You’re not alone, and your journey, however winding, is a path of strength.

Hugs and strength to all of you. We’ve got this!

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org by Risha Fathima.

Have you ever been forced to share a table with your abuser? If so, I bet we are talking about some old uncle, a cousin, or some random creep from your extended family. They are the ones who get to be part of these family dinners again!

Personally, five of my most traumatic sexual abuse instances were from within my own family. When it came to this matter, mine turned out to be a classic Indian family. As I wrote this piece, I was having such a meal, and I was serving with a scarred hand.

Scar is the right word. How did things get there? The title says CSA (Child Sexual Abuse), so, was it through grooming? Coercion? Exploitation? In my case, it was all of the above. Each of these terms captures an aspect of my experiences. But what I want to focus on first is the underlying socio-cultural grooming-the way a certain level of trust, often blind faith, is ingrained in us for every familial relative. And the crazy part is it doesn’t end with trust. It extends to mandatory respect — and that is even trickier!

In a Desi household, family dynamics are a tangled web of hierarchies, loyalties, and unspoken rules. Confrontation, especially about something as taboo as sexual abuse, is almost unthinkable. It manifests as whispers behind closed doors, nervous glances, and painful silence at family gatherings. The consequences of speaking out can be severe-ostracization, victim-blaming, and the inevitable dismissal of your pain. This culture of silence ensures that the abuse is never truly acknowledged, let alone addressed.

So, primarily, I was in the exploited category. I was too young and ignorant to realize that I was being abused. Did I hear someone mention Comprehensive Sexuality Health Education? Oh, we’re not there yet. We’ll get there someday, though. But coming back to the point, I didn’t know I was being taken advantage of, and it was always some family member who privately acknowledged the abuse to me, only to turn around and blame me for it, never bringing it up again. The weight of guilt and shame was placed squarely on my shoulders. I was made to feel as if I had disrupted the family harmony, as if my truth was less important than maintaining the façade of unity. Trust in the “brother” was so deeply ingrained that my experience was minimized, pushed aside, and ultimately ignored.

The concept of trust within an Indian family is sacrosanct. It’s woven into the fabric of our upbringing. We are taught to respect and trust our elders and relatives implicitly. This blind trust becomes a shield for abusers. The idea that someone within the family could cause harm is so alien (or still so ignored) that it’s easier to dismiss the victim than to confront the uncomfortable reality.

“Trust” in a “brother” or an uncle is not just about believing they wouldn’t harm us; it’s about the deep-rooted belief that they are incapable of such acts. This denial is reinforced by the collective need to preserve family honour. Admitting to abuse would mean acknowledging that the family failed to protect its own, a notion too painful for many to accept.

The Weight of Guilt

And so, the burden of guilt, as always, falls on the victim. Guilt here is two-pronged: i) we carry the weight of the abuse and ii) the added guilt of having spoken out. As a child survivor, in one prolonged instance of abuse from someone I was told was the “brother,” I was confused about two things: first, whether what was happening was wrong or not, because someone I was made to respect couldn’t possibly wrong me; and second, at a later point, when I did recognize it as wrong, whether I was supposed to let my mother know or not. Why? Because I was scared to complain against an elder brother. Objectively speaking, the societal expectation is to maintain silence so as to keep the family unit intact. Therefore, this misplaced guilt often prevents victims from seeking justice or even talking about their experiences.

As a law student, when I think about it, in many ways, it’s still like how it was when the rape laws were first introduced in the Indian Penal Code, way back in 1860. Back then, it’s said there were two suspects in a rape case: one, the prosecutrix, who’s charged with consent; and two, the accused, who’s charged with the act. I feel like we’re still stuck there-I still see two suspects-this time, the victim accused of the crime and the abuser charged with barely any guilt. The abuser often gets away with minimal consequences, if any, while the victim carries the scar, both physical and emotional, for life.

The Politics of Remembrance

How do we deal with these scars? How do we continue to serve with a scarred hand? The politics of remembrance plays a crucial role here. The abuser, more often than not, has the privilege to forget, to move on as if nothing happened. For them, it might be a defense mechanism, a way to cope with their guilt, or perhaps a testament to their lack of remorse. But for us, the survivors, the memory lingers-a constant reminder of the violation and the subsequent betrayal by our own family.

The privilege of the abuser to forget or to minimize their actions is in stark contrast to the survivor’s reality. For us, every family gathering, every shared meal, and every silent glance is a reminder of the abuse. It’s a scar that time does not easily heal, and one that we are forced to carry in a culture that prioritizes family honour over individual well-being.

Why Does This Pattern Repeat?

Why does this pattern of abuse and denial repeat? It’s because our domestic laws and societal norms fail us. We do have criminal laws that address sexual abuse within the family, which is to say, the legal framework is adequate in dealing with the intricacies of familial abuse. However, even though the law may recognize the crime, societal norms often prevent it from being reported or prosecuted.

Therefore, we need a cultural shift that prioritizes the victim’s voice over the family’s reputation. We need to confront the uncomfortable truth that sometimes, the greatest threat comes from those closest to us, and that home is not always a safe space. On those grounds, I’d say we need laws that not only protect but also empower victims to speak out without fear of retribution or ostracization-but these should be domestic laws within every family. It should manifest as an understanding that crimes do happen within the four walls of a house too, an acknowledgment that one’s child could also get abused, and a proactive spirit to speak up for and with your kid, against whoever the abuser is.

The Road Ahead

Sharing a table with your abuser is not a pleasant experience. It forces you to relive the trauma, to navigate the intricate dance of pretending everything is normal while your mind screams otherwise. It’s a stark reminder of the deep-seated issues within our society and the urgent need for change. As I sit at that table, serving with a scarred hand, I remind myself that my voice matters. Our voices matter. And though the road to healing is long and fraught with challenges, we will walk it with courage and resilience.

In this journey of healing, we must demand justice, both within our families and from our legal systems. And from ourselves too-let’s not blame ourselves on top of every other person who once and forever tried to silence us. Let’s keep challenging the norms that enable abusers and silence survivors. Most importantly, let’s remember that our scars do not define us-they are, at most, a testament to our strength and our unwavering determination to reclaim our lives and our narratives.

Each step we take towards healing is a step towards reclaiming our power. By sharing our stories, confronting our abusers, and demanding change, we are not just healing ourselves-we are paving the way for others to find their voices. Our collective strength can challenge the status quo and bring about the change that has been so desperately needed since forever. But let’s also remember, it’s perfectly alright if we don’t have the energy to fight every day-your very being is a resistance against this system that tried to bring you down.

In conclusion, I’d say the battle against familial sexual abuse is a long and arduous one. It requires bravery, resilience, and an unwavering belief in the importance of our stories. As we navigate this journey, let’s remember that we are not alone. Our voices, when united, can create a powerful force for change. Let us continue to share our stories, confront our abusers, and demand the justice and recognition that we deserve. Together, we can transform our scars into symbols of strength and resistance.

(P.S.: I understand that the term “scar” may not resonate with everyone, as it implies something permanent, and no offense is intended. I have used both “victim” and “survivor” interchangeably to respect the varied preferences of individuals, and I mean no offense to either group. I also want to acknowledge that not every survivor may feel empowered to challenge the system, and that’s okay. Healing is a personal journey at the end of the day. And I love you, all of you! Hugs!)

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

Healing is a process that looks different to each person, and how someone heals from their experience is individual to them and their circumstances. For many, the healing process is one with many ups and downs, breakthroughs and setbacks. Overall, healing means being able to see the harm that has happened to you in the context of your whole life and not as the defining feature. Healing from trauma takes effort and is challenging, and can offer growth and restoration.

Meeting other survivors can be impactful to the healing process. It offers the chance to understand that we are not alone in our experiences, and hear from others about what has or hasn’t worked for them in their journey. Being in community with people who have shared experiences invites hope into our lives to see what resiliency can look like within ourselves. As human beings, we are social creatures, and connections and relationships with others are central to our well-being — we are not meant to do this alone. Trauma makes it feel as though others cannot be trusted and that the world isn’t safe. This makes being part of a supportive environment, with people who care, an important piece to the puzzle of healing.

In my work with survivors — from community settings to the campus environment — I have seen how powerful it is for survivors to be together in a safe and supportive space. A common theme that comes up in these spaces is the feeling of “I am alone in this,” and “There aren’t other people in this world who care.” These beliefs can cause so much pain and loneliness. Each time someone has shared these thoughts and feelings in a group setting, I have seen other survivors share in this feeling, while also letting each other know that there are people who care, sitting right around them. Knowing that there are people who care about you, who believe you, and are walking with you in your recovery can be a turning point for a lot of people. Vulnerability and letting people in, especially after experiencing harm, is difficult, and when we are open to letting others see us and help us, it can transform the way we see ourselves and the world.

When survivors come together, they uplift each other through validation of similar experiences or reactions, sharing of coping skills and resources, and engagement in the freedom to talk about their experiences openly. These gatherings can happen in lots of ways and take various forms, and if you’re not sure where to start it can be helpful to check out services offered through a local survivor/victim service agency, your school’s wellness office, or a campus/community organization focused on survivorship or advocacy. You don’t have to do this alone, help and support is available when you are ready.

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

My name is Michaela Callie, and I am delighted to serve as the Executive Director for #WeRideTogether. From my professional and recreational experiences as an athlete across many sports, I can attest to the importance of protecting the integrity of all sports environments. These environments bring us joy, better us as individuals, and become our homes. Part of my role includes sharing how #WeRideTogether uniquely meets the current needs of athletes at every level on every field, court, arena, and beyond. My hope and greatest intention is that our work helps nurture safe and healthy sport so that future generations never have to miss a game, leave practice early, or abandon sport altogether due to fear of abuse.‍

Our Assessment

Every day parents drop their kids off at Little League, swim team, the tennis courts, and at local gyms across the country, assuming their children are safe and with a trustworthy coach. The reality — 50% of athletes experience sexual harassment or some other form of abuse, and these perpetrators are not strangers. 90% of victims know their abuser. Daily headlines chronicle abuse, grooming, and hazing that plague and endanger our athletes across every level of sport. There are over 27 million children who play sports in the United States. SafeSport only applies to 11 million individuals (minors and adults) throughout the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Movement. That leaves well over 16 million children (ages 6–17) with severely limited, if any, oversight. If we think about youth athletes in the United States alone, over 13 million children (ages 6–17) will be subject to sexual harassment or abuse.‍

Our Mission

#WeRideTogether was created to shine a light on the endemic issue of sexual abuse in youth and amateur sports. Our mission is to make youth and amateur sport environments safer for all athletes. We believe sport should be the safest and healthiest place for children and young adults to grow and flourish, and that every individual has the right to learn, play, and compete without fear of sexual abuse. We are committed to creating the radical change needed to fulfill that vision by addressing education and awareness, creating a safe place for survivors to find resources and share their voices, and eliminating the stigma around these necessary conversations.

We serve all members of every type of athletic community. This means that we can serve individuals who fall under the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Movement, as well as individuals who fall outside of this umbrella. In other words, all athletic community members, including the 16+ million children who are not covered by SafeSport, have #WeRideTogether as a resource for awareness, education, and prevention materials, healing support, and other information.‍

Our Approach

At #WeRideTogether, we provide evidence-based, professional, educational, ethical, compassionate, creative, inclusive, celebratory, and advocatory services. Heart-centered and mind-driven, our team commits to improving athletic communities in a sustainable and socially responsible manner. By focusing on current research, integrating insights from our trusted partners, and most importantly listening to athletes and survivors across all sports, #WeRideTogether delivers trustworthy and timely solutions.

We aim to complement the work and positions of other organizations in this space by offering athlete-centered services that focus on awareness, prevention, and support. According to the CDC, little investment has been made in primary prevention of sexual abuse. #WeRideTogether is filling the gap in primary prevention and access to resources, while serving as a bridge to other organizations that focus on services outside of our immediate scope, including, but not limited to, legislation, reporting, and legal counsel.‍

Our Services

#WeRideTogether is uniquely positioned to provide support to all sports on a global scale. We believe in celebrating and providing individualized support to all members of athletic communities. We focus on creating resources that are survivor- and trauma- informed, as well as serving as a bridge to already existing, valuable resources. And all of our services are pro bono.

While we are continuously expanding our services, our core offerings include:

• Providing educational presentations to athletes of all ages, coaches, parents, and organizations
• Creating preventative, inclusive, and curated resources and materials specific to athletic communities
• Collaborating with athletic organizations, ranging from grassroots organizations to national and international governing bodies, to best serve their members with creative, current, and impactful tools
• Connecting athletes, survivors, coaches, parents, and organizations to best practices, crisis resources, healing support, and information on reporting and justice procedures

We all play a role in promoting and maintaining safe and healthy sport. Prevention and awareness are our greatest assets in terms of protecting and empowering coaches and athletes.

Our Resources

#WeRideTogether has created several tools that can be used to provide guidance and support for coaches, athletes, and parents. Continue reading below to learn more about some of our resources.

• PSAs: As part of our mission to provide education and increase awareness related to sexual misconduct in athletics, #WeRideTogether continuously produces and publishes public service announcements (PSAs). These short videos provide viewers with easy-to-understand information and tools regarding eliminating sexual misconduct in sport. Please watch and share our PSAs with fellow athletes, coaches, parents, and athletic organizations!
• Blog: The #WeRideTogether Blog is a reliable repository of written resources, providing easily accessible, straightforward, conversational knowledge. Our blog’s content represents the voices of counselors, prosecutorial law enforcement professionals, attorneys, SafeSport investigators, public health professionals, child protection specialists, victim advocates, parents, survivors, and other qualified experts. Article topics include reporting, healing from trauma, education and awareness on sexual misconduct, sport-specific content, and more, all in the areas that survivors and their loved ones need information on the most.
• Power Imbalances: A key part of safeguarding in sports is being aware of the power imbalances at play in athletic spaces. A power imbalance exists when one person holds authority over the other. In sports, power imbalances can occur among athletes and between athletes and their coaches, trainers, and medical professionals. To safeguard our athletes and preserve the integrity of our sports, we must empower all members of our athletic communities with healthy and effective boundaries. It’s up to all of us to ensure those in power are kept in check, and that relationships are safe and respectful-for coaches and athletes.
• Grooming: Learn to recognize the six stages of grooming. Grooming sets the stage for abuse. It is a gradual and insidious process that can last months or even years-and, in most cases, abusers target parents and caregivers as intentionally as they do their young victims.
• Safe, Active Bystander Intervention: Creating and maintaining safe athletic environments is a team sport — and we all have a role to play. Athletes, parents, coaches, and staff can all serve as active bystanders, furthering this healthy environment. By intervening when you see misconduct or abuse occur, you interrupt negative behavior patterns as they happen and emphasize best practices in prevention. This establishes crucial individual and group desires to change norms and expectations of how we all treat each other in the world of sport and beyond. Intervention additionally shows empathy and support for the person experiencing the harmful behavior. Watch the PSA, and download the Safe, Active Bystander Intervention Handout (S.A.B.I. Handout) and the Safe, Active Bystander Intervention Infographic (S.A.B.I. Infographic) to review examples of safe, active bystander intervention and best practices.
• C.A.R.D. Diagrams: The Coach Athlete Relationship Dynamics Diagrams (C.A.R.D. Diagrams) help coaches, athletes, parents, and bystanders recognize and identify patterns of healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics. These diagrams can be used as a gut check; think about conduct you experience and observe in your sporting community and discern if what is occurring aligns with a caring and supportive coach/athlete relationship. If you are experiencing or observing patterns of power and control, you can find additional information, including confidential helplines, sexual assault reporting procedures, and mental health resources, on our Crisis Resources page.
• Athlete Toolkit: Developing and possessing your own Athlete Toolkit serves as mental and emotional preparation to safeguard and support yourself in the face of potential misconduct and abuse that you or a teammate may experience. The tools listed in this article are all things that can build ahead of time during moments of peace and strength, separate from any moment of crisis.
• Survivor Stories: Survivors are increasingly stepping forward to bravely tell their stories. They’ve turned the lights on in a dark tunnel-and they’re illuminating the way to a safer future. The following stories reflect the participants’ personal experiences, as told by them, and may be triggering for individuals who have experienced sexual abuse or misconduct.
• Crisis Resources: Hotline and reporting information.
• Coach Athlete Pledge: The Coach Athlete Pledge, a commitment to maintaining healthy training environments, summarizes 10 best practices to ensure that future generations of athletes have safe and positive experiences. The pledge serves as a valuable document that helps ensure all parties-athletes, parents, and coaches-understand the expected standards of behavior.
• Current Events: Unfortunately, news articles chronicling misconduct in sport and unhealthy coach-athlete dynamics are not few and far between. Sexual abuse in sport has been occurring for decades, and the public is now becoming aware of these hidden situations as more and more survivors bravely disclose and report misconduct they have experienced. Efforts must still be made to improve the efficacy of the justice system, to increase resources for survivors healing from trauma, to reduce victim and parent shaming and blaming, and to decrease stigma. #WeRideTogether is committed to increasing awareness and continually updates this compiled list of current events on the topic of sexual abuse in sport. Sexual misconduct is happening across all sports, at all levels, internationally.‍

See you on the field,

‍Michaela Callie, MBA
Executive Director of #WeRideTogether
[email protected]

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

Oh, also, now that you’re on Our Wave, I’m assuming that you’ve encountered some form of sexual abuse at some point in your life. If not, that’s okay, and in fact, good for you, but here, I am going to prioritize the survivors because, well, we’re owning the space here.

Hey comrade, living the life, huh? I am, too. Healing, Intersectionality, Voice — did all these big words drive you here? Alright, let’s get it clear: there are no quick fixes here. Healing is ceaseless, and let’s keep it that way — slow and raw.

Alright, so my earliest memory of sexual assault dates back to when I was just three years old. And the latest was last night when I stumbled upon this guy jerking off in a study space. Did both have the same impact on me? Nah. But was one more severe than the other? Nah again. The first one has left barely any memory; all I can recall are glimpses of being violated. But the 10-second visual from yesterday flashed images from every other similar instance that has occurred in my past 20ish years. And that drives me to my first point — I refuse to quantify trauma or to pit one survivor’s experience against another’s.

I am, for one, many things- I am an Indian, assigned female at birth, queer, of Muslim heritage among other things. I am a feminist student of law (In terms of academia) and life (In terms of existence). I am a survivor — of countless things; sexual assault too. I don’t appreciate placing someone’s experience in some vacuum. Everything that one was before any experience would have a bearing on everything one is after, which is to say that my experiences cannot be neatly compartmentalized; they intersect and intertwine, shaping every aspect of my being. So as you read my words, remember that they come from a place of multiplicity and complexity, and I am much more than a volunteer for Our Wave.

So, where do I begin? Healing is not linear; there’s no clear starting point. Therefore my writing wouldn’t have one either. Instead, let me take you on a journey-a rambling, unfiltered exploration of my healing process. I write to heal-in my journal, on Instagram, and in letters to friends. And now, I write for you, for us, as a form of collective healing.

Alright, so for a long time, I didn’t consider myself traumatized from my share of CSA. I was being before; I was being after. I found it just one among the many things that marked my childhood. Yup, marked is the right word, for I carried on, oblivious to its impact on me — I was too young to realize anything more.

In school, I was a feminist and talked at length about rape and everything that came along. But my experience wasn’t considered demanding narration in the public sphere. And whenever it was narrated, it seemed that my friends were all just overreacting. And I didn’t like it. ‘C’mon, I am right in front of you, being all chill, now what’s YOUR problem?’ — was the question.

It was only a couple of years later, say when I was 16, when I started using feminist, political terminology to narrate my own experiences with the abusers and also with the audience who heard my story. What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape is an incredible book authored by Sohaila Abdulali that gave me a lot of clarity on this front. It helped me own my story. I started reframing my thoughts. Growing out of the conventional perception towards sexual abuse and using terms like violation of bodily autonomy helped me win over the world. I started identifying as fearless.

And there as I reclaimed my narrative, using feminist language to articulate my experiences and demanding recognition, it was liberating and empowering-my first conscious step towards healing. Since then, my journey has been a series of tangents-some more challenging than others. From grappling with outright denial to reclaiming agency in my sex life, each tangent has brought me closer to being the captain of my healing. And while there may be countless paths ahead, I am committed to taking each step slowly, authentically, and unapologetically.

As I look back on everything, I can’t help but feel the strength within me-the resilience to face my past and envision a brighter future. But hey, this isn’t just about me, is it? It’s about all of us who’ve gone through similar struggles, fighting to reclaim our voices and lives. Each step of this journey, no matter how small, has been a testament to our determination to heal. And sure, the road ahead might still have some bumps, but we’re walking it with a newfound sense of courage.

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

If you or a loved one has experienced the non-consensual sharing of intimate images, we want you to know that you are not alone. This violation of privacy and autonomy, often referred to as “revenge porn,” is a form of image-based sexual abuse. We believe you, and we are here to provide information and support.

What is Image-based Abuse?

Image-based abuse is defined as the sharing of intimate images of a person without their consent to enact revenge, humiliate the person, or receive personal gain. Image-based sexual abuse encompasses a range of behaviors involving the non-consensual creation, obtainment, or sharing of intimate images. This includes:

• “Revenge porn”: Sharing intimate images to enact revenge, humiliate, or gain personally
• “Sextortion”: Threatening to share intimate images to coerce a victim
• “Upskirting”: Non-consensually capturing images underneath a victim’s clothes
• “Deepfakes”: Using artificial intelligence to create fake sexual images or videos of a victim

It is important to note that recently, the name “revenge porn” has been flagged by organizations like RAINN for implying that the harm was deserved. Now, many advocates and researchers favor the term image based sexual abuse, or IBSA.

Impact

The exact prevalence of IBSA remains unclear due to recently developing definitions and research methodologies, but the impacts are clear. Research estimates that 80% of revenge porn victims experience profound stress and anxiety. Similar to effects of sexual assault, victims may experience depression, anxiety, anorexia, self harm, suicide, negative alcohol use, and posttraumatic stress disorder. The humiliation and loss of autonomy associated with tmage-based sexual abuse can show itself in extreme vigilance online and in relationships. Victims may isolate and experience difficulties in work or school, sometimes including expulsion or loss of employment.

Research has traditionally centered on women victims, but newer findings suggest that men and women may experience image-based sexual abuse at similar rates. In addition, LGBTQ+ individuals and younger adults aged 18–29 are more likely to experience image based sexual abuse. African American, Native Alaskan, and Indigenous North American women may also be at heightened risk.

Overall, the lack of understanding of image-based sexual abuse can become a barrier to seeking help. Knowledge and awareness can be the first step to tangible change interpersonally and systemically.

Legislation and Advocacy

Laws encompassing IBSA have been reactive at points and can therefore be limiting in their applicability to a variety of digital abuses. Laws against IBSA, particularly revenge porn, have been increasing but can still be limited. In the US, most states have revenge porn laws, but categorization and standards of evidence vary.

In the US, almost all states have adopted laws targeting revenge porn and they are categorized differently depending on jurisdiction. Some states call revenge porn an obscenity offense, while others call it an infringement of privacy, harassment, or a miscellaneous offense. Alongside categorization, standards of evidence to litigate or convict vary by state, meaning that consent, the victim’s expectation of privacy, and the offender’s intent or knowledge of possible harm are called into question to different degrees.

Sexual violence advocates and experts argue that image-based sexual abuse should be categorized as a sex offense, given how it violates a victim’s autonomy and consent, with impacts comparable to other sexual offenses. However, some court opponents claim that classifying it as such would infringe on free speech rights. Ultimately, the profound harm IBSA causes to victims’ sexual autonomy, mental health, and lives makes a compelling case for treating it as a serious sexual offense in both law and society.

In the News

Recently, deepfakes of Taylor Swift attracted millions of views as well as shares and saves in the hundreds of thousands after being posted on X for less than 24 hours. Since this event, at least 10 states and 3 United States Senators have pursued legislation against this newly recognized form of sexual assault.

You Are Not Alone

If you or a loved one has been affected by image based sexual abuse, we believe you. Know that you are not alone and that you are deserving of full protection from these harms.

The National Revenge Porn Helpline serves those residing in the United Kingdom by phone, but includes a comprehensive list of resources that may help those who live in other countries. The website also links to Stop NCII, an online photo removal tool that can be used by those over 18 worldwide.

This article from the Federal Trade commission includes a helpline, state laws, and an online removal guide for those residing in the US.

For those under 18, refer to the RAINN hotline at 1–800–656–4673.

Healing is possible. You are not to blame for what happened to you. Support and resources are available to help you on your journey. Together, we can work towards a world free of image-based sexual abuse.

1. https://scholarship.law.upenn.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1815&context=jcl
2. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-023-00557-z
3. https://www.reuters.com/legal/legalindustry/manipulating-reality-intersection-deepfakes-law-2024-02-01/
4. https://apnews.com/article/deepfake-images-taylor-swift-state-legislation-bffbc274dd178ab054426ee7d691df7e
5. https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/deepfake-bill-open-door-victims-sue-creators-rcna136434

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

We wanted to, therefore, talk a bit about child-perpetrated sexual abuse on the blog to share what we know, what we don’t know, and things you may want to consider if you feel you may have experienced COCSA.

To start, very little research has been conducted using the term “COCSA.” This acronym seems to be used more in online organizing spaces than in clinical, legal, or academic spaces. We want to acknowledge that some people may find comfort in identifying within the COCSA community, while others may not feel that the acronym resonates with their experience. For this blog, we will call sexual abuse perpetrated by one child onto another “COCSA,” but please ask how people prefer to identify the harm they experienced before you place this label on them.

COCSA involves a minor engaging in sexually abusive behavior towards another minor. The legal definition of sexual abuse perpetrated by one child onto another child varies by jurisdiction, but it generally involves any non-consensual sexual activity between minors where one child uses force, coercion, or manipulation against another child. These cases may be addressed under juvenile or family law systems, and the specifics of what constitutes abuse may differ based on age, developmental stage, and local laws. In such cases, the age difference between the survivor and the person who caused harm can vary.

Chronological age difference is not the sole determinant of whether COCSA occurred. Factors such as the emotional, cognitive, and physical development of the individuals, as well as the power dynamics within the relationship can also contribute to situations of COCSA. The dynamics behind COCSA perpetration are complex and influenced by various factors, including social and environmental conditions, family circumstances, exposure to inappropriate behaviors, and lack of proper education on boundaries and consent.

COCSA can be incredibly difficult to process, especially if you still have a relationship with the person who harmed you. It’s not uncommon for survivors to experience conflicting emotions after experiencing this type of abuse, including feelings of confusion, betrayal, and even a desire to maintain a relationship with the person who harmed them. This complexity stems from the inherent innocence and vulnerability of childhood juxtaposed with the trauma of abuse.

Unlike abuse perpetrated by adults, where the perpetrator is typically seen as a predator, labeling an experience as sexual abuse when another child perpetrates it can often feel less clear. Survivors may struggle to recognize the abuse within the context of childhood exploration or experimentation, making it challenging to label their experiences accurately. Research suggests that children abused by peers have greater difficulty identifying their experiences as abuse compared to those harmed by adults, which can delay help-seeking and exacerbate feelings of guilt and shame. It also can hinder survivors’ abilities to assert boundaries or seek support in the aftermath. Societal norms about childhood innocence further complicate things, as there is often a reluctance to acknowledge that children are capable of perpetrating sexual abuse, leading to disbelief and minimization of survivors’ experiences.

One thing that is important to mention that adds to the complexity of this issue is that often children who engage in sexual abuse towards other children have a history of victimization themselves. This highlights the interconnected nature of trauma and its impact on behavior. Understanding this dynamic can help contextualize the experiences of both survivors and children who cause harm, emphasizing the importance of trauma-informed interventions and support for all parties.

If you think you may have experienced COCSA, first and foremost, honor your feelings and prioritize your well-being and safety. You may need to set boundaries with the person who harmed you if they are still in your life, seek support from trusted adults or professionals, or engage in therapeutic interventions tailored to address the unique challenges of COCSA survivors.

Ultimately, what you choose to do with the information presented here today is up to you. If you think you have experienced COCSA, and you feel comfortable and safe doing so, you may choose to share your experiences with someone you trust in your life. Having people in your corner to provide emotional and decision-making support can be helpful as you process these details and determine next steps. You may also consider talking to someone at a sexual violence crisis center or with trained professionals on RAINN’s online chat system. Talking to professionals can help you weigh your options and determine what next steps might be best for your healing. You may also consider reporting the abuse to authorities or seeking legal advice. Reporting can serve multiple purposes, including potentially preventing future harm to others and holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions. Finally, you may also be interested in pursuing restorative justice options to facilitate a conversation with the person who harmed you so that they can understand the impact of their actions and can work towards a path to make amends outside of the criminal-legal system. Whatever you decide, it is essential to prioritize your well-being throughout this process and make decisions that feel right for you. COCSA can be challenging to navigate, but remember that you deserve support, validation, and healing.

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

Sexual harm occurs in many spaces but disproportionately impacts those in the military. Military Sexual Trauma (MST) is defined as sexual harassment, assault, or violence experienced throughout one’s military service. According to the U.S. Department of Defense, only one-fifth of incidents of MST are reported despite their high incidence in these settings. While everyone processes MST differently, this type of trauma can often lead to the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a mental health concern occurring in individuals who have witnessed or lived through a traumatic event or circumstance. Those within the military are already at high risk for PTSD due to their often frequent contact with trauma and violence, manifesting in symptoms such as mood and cognition changes, avoidance of reminders of the traumatic event, intrusive thoughts, and overall mental distress. MST can compound these symptoms, especially when they co-occur with other traumatic military experiences.

Veterans who experience PTSD can file claims with the Veterans Benefits Administration (VBA), within the Department of Veterans Affairs. These claims provide affected individuals with monetary assistance to cover the cost of healthcare related to their circumstances. A group of researchers at Yale University examined 134,000 of these claims, distinguishing between those related and unrelated to MST. Unfortunately, this analysis revealed that claims submitted as a result of MST were denied more frequently than claims that were not (e.g., 27.6% of PTSD related to MST vs. 18.2% of PTSD claims unrelated to MST). Additionally, Male veterans were found to be 1.78 times more likely than female veterans to have their claims denied if they were related to MST and Black veterans were 1.39 times more likely than their non-Hispanic white peers to have their claims denied if they were related to MST. This reveals racial and gender disparities in reimbursement, furthering systemic inequities in survivor populations. The researchers conclude a clear association between race, gender, and the denial of MST-related PTSD claims, though they describe a lack of available statistics due to a lack of reports themselves. They also describe challenges related to stigma and bias, discouraging vets from reporting their MST at all. It is critical that the Department of Veterans Affairs, as well as the general population, continues to provide resources to military survivors of sexual violence. All survivors, regardless of gender or race, should be able to access the support that they want and deserve.

Thankfully, change has begun in the realm of sexual violence in the military. In August of 2023, President Joe Biden signed into law an executive order that changed the way that the military handles sexual assault. The order establishes that independent military prosecutors will decide whether to prosecute allegations of sexual violence, rather than military commanders. It establishes a fully independent system for the persecution of sexual violence perpetrators outside of the military chain of command in an attempt to reduce disparities in sentencing. The changes are proposed as a way to ensure fairness and equity in the military criminal justice system. Lloyd J. Austin III, the Secretary of Defense, writes “ Our most critical asset as a department is our people, and our people and readiness are inextricably linked…We will remain the preeminent fighting force in the world because we strive to better take care of our people. Our values and expectations remain at the core of addressing this problem, and I have every confidence that our force will get this right.”

The House Oversight and Government Reform Subcommittee on National Security and Foreign Affairs held a hearing on July 31st, 2023. Christopher Shays, a representative of Connecticut and a military veteran, spoke about the lack of action from the Department of Defense to protect military survivors of sexual violence. “Years of inaction at the DoD continue to speak volumes about senior leadership commitment to our service members and civil servants,” he said, “Our military’s greatest challenge should be on the battlefield, not protecting its members from being sexually assaulted”. Several representatives discussed the implementation of the Military Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Act, which aims to prevent violence against members of the military and their families. Military members who survived sexual violence during their deployment also testified to the need for a new policy in terms of the prevention of sexual violence and persecution and accountability of perpetrators. Lieutenant General Michal D. Rochelle outlined the new Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program, including a “comprehensive prevention campaign” including “addressing negative social influencers, increasing peer-to-peer bystander intervention, and enhancing soldiers’ skill sets on how to stop assaults before they occur.” It is incredibly apparent that the need for such programs is dire within the military as sexual violence continues to be prevalent. Hopefully, implementing policies such as these will help to aid survivors of MST and reduce instances of sexual violence in the future.

Addressing the pervasive issue of sexual violence in the military requires multifaceted approaches that prioritize equity, accountability, and survivor support. The recent legislative and executive actions signal progress, yet more concerted efforts are needed to ensure comprehensive prevention, response, and justice mechanisms. By fostering a culture of transparency, empathy, and proactive intervention, we can strive towards a military environment where all members are safe, respected, and empowered. Together, we must continue advocating for systemic change and standing in solidarity with survivors, affirming their right to healing, dignity, and justice.

Resources

If you are a current or former member of the military who has experienced sexual violence, know that you are not alone and that your story matters.

• The “Beyond MST “ mobile app provides tools to help survivors of MST.
• The website maketheconnection.net allows survivors of MST to connect with veterans of similar experiences.
• This Military Sexual Trauma Resource List from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center provides information on MST for allies and survivors
• The Military Rape Crisis Center provides support groups, yoga sessions, and “writing to heal” sessions to survivors in Arizona, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and New York
• The Military Crisis Line is a free and confidential resource available 24/7: Dial 988 and press 1, text 838255, or visit veterancrisisline.net to chat online

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

Experiencing abuse can be destabilizing to your conception of love. During a process of healing, it can be difficult to trust yourself and others. You may lose faith in finding love in your life, whatever form it may take. On a holiday like Valentine’s Day, these difficulties may be especially prevalent.

Here at Our Wave, we affirm that love after abuse is possible. We want to use this holiday as an opportunity to reflect on love. Knowing the signs and effects of abuse is important, as is understanding that you are worthy of receiving the kind of love that you need.

So, what do I mean by the kind of love? How do we define it?

Love, of course, cannot coexist with abuse. Love is not present where your safety is threatened and your boundaries are not respected. This can occur verbally, physically, financially, and sexually to maintain a sense of control over your person. Experiencing abuse is never deserved, and never your fault.

The opposite of abuse is basic respect and equality among people, otherwise known as the bare minimum. Love is more than the opposite of abuse. Love can look so many different ways in this spectrum as we choose the people we let into our lives. So what does it mean to you?

The following guiding questions are inspired by a few different sources that explore abuse and love, including All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks, onelove, and love is respect.

1. What helps you feel comfortable as you get to know someone?
2. Who helps you feel relaxed and calm?
3. Where and with whom do you enjoy yourself most?
4. Where and with whom do you feel like you can easily express yourself?
5. Who helps you feel more sure of who you are?
6. Who feels easy to spend time with, and freely spend time apart?
7. Who do you turn to when you are in pain?
8. Who do you feel comfortable bringing up disagreements or hurts with? How do they handle the conflict?
9. Who shows effort to value you as much as you value them? What do these efforts look like?
10. What are the traits and commonalities of these people, places, and efforts?

We hope that with these questions, you can find the language for your needs and the ways you best receive love. These answers are unique to you, and they may not all be easy to find quite yet. This is okay. As much as loving others is prevalent today, we hope you can show some love to yourself too.

If there is just one thing to remember today, it’s this: Love is out there, and you deserve it. All of it.

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.

Title IX Policy and Resources for Survivors

To understand the current climate surrounding sexual assault on college campuses, it is important to talk about Title IX. Passed in 1972, Title IX is ​​ a federal law that prohibits sex-based discrimination within universities that receive federal funding. For survivors, this means that college campuses have a legal obligation to protect their students from and provide support after incidents of sexual violence. Unfortunately, a college’s Title IX resources might not always feel accessible or approachable to students, especially in the aftermath of an assault. Know Your IX is a survivor-led organization that aims to clarify Title IX policy for college students. Students can review frequently asked questions before contacting their university’s Title IX department so that they are more aware of what to expect.

Colleges can assist survivors by making information about Title IX more readily accessible and displayed in places that are commonly viewed, like residence and dining halls. Emphasizing the use of trauma-informed principles, availability of mental health support, and clearly outlining disciplinary options for survivors can help to minimize anxiety and reluctance to use Title IX resources.

Comprehensive Education

Under Title IX, federally funded universities are required to mandate training programs in an attempt to minimize instances of sexual violence. While this is required, not all colleges put forward the same effort into what these trainings look like and how often they occur. Colleges that mandate ongoing training over a one-time singular training, have seen shifts in attitudes and behaviors surrounding sexual violence as opposed to those that do not.

Over time, education can cause a shift in community norms and create more respectful cultures on campus. Additionally, training can be unique and specialized to fit the needs and viewpoints of groups around campus. Conversations surrounding campus sexual violence help to normalize the experience of survivors while providing education surrounding boundaries and consent which students may not have previously had access to.

Seeking Support

The culture of sexual violence on college campuses, although daunting, is not fixed. Policy change and education help destigmatize difficult conversations and show universities that students need help in solving this issue.

If you or someone that you know has experienced sexual violence on your college campus, remember that you are not alone and that there are resources to support you:

• You can google search “your university’s name” + Title IX office to get in contact with a member of the Title IX office
• You might also want to look into who are confidential resources on your campus vs. mandatory reporters as you decide whether or not you want to seek confidential support or report your experience more formally through Title IX
• Review this Handbook for Campus Crime Reporting or ACHA’S Toolkit
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: (1–800–656–4673)

Originally published at https://www.ourwave.org.