Divorce reshapes nearly every part of your life — your roles, identity, dreams, and familiar routines and patterns you have created. To move on from a marriage you have to recreate your life, and this is usually pretty scary (even if the divorce was necessary). There are different types of loss you may experience upon divorce that you had not considered, and it helps to recognize them as you start the healing process.

Physical loss: This one is obviously expected, but it can hit like a ton of bricks for some women, as it means something is gone that was there aby your side for a long time. It can feel like a death and take time to get used to.

For me the physical loss was truly the quiet after a storm. I needed that quiet time so desperately, and it allowed me to continue the healing work I had already started. There were times where I stopped and acknowledged the absence of him, and felt sad, so I took the time to feel grateful for all the beautiful times and benefits the marriage had brought. I also got through the physical loss by diving into my healing journey.

Loss of identity: Losing one’s identity as a married person — a wife, someone’s partner, the half of a whole, a “we” — is also very complicated, especially for those women who were married for long periods of time, like me. You are identified as a couple when you are married, and consequently you have goals, dreams and plans as a couple, many of which extended far into the future, like growing old together and retiring. Suddenly, all these things seem to feel like they are swirling around in a big tornado of loss and grief. You may wonder how to become “just” you.

Losing the marital identity usually creates confusion around self-identity as well, since for most people it has been such a long time since they were not part of a couple. This can make it even more difficult for those grey divorcees (50+) who have been through more than half their lives with the former spouse, many who raised families as well. It is imperative to start the healing process in order to discover who you are as this new, single person.

For those who have a difficult time with the new identity to be created and nurtured, that’s where the healing work comes in. Acknowledging that it is completely normal to experience confusion when it comes to identity, and finding ways to discover the answers, is part of the journey. Remember: the most important self-discoveries and lessons in life are born from challenges.

For others, the loss of identity is not such a crushing blow. It may feel a bit strange to be standing alone, a “me” and no longer a “we,” but that may be overshadowed by a feeling of relief to be separated from the patterns of the marriage and feelings of unhappiness. Making those decisions on one’s own can feel scary, but are also freeing because they are steps toward a new life.

Social Loss: The social loss can be challenging if you and your former spouse had groups of friends or couples with whom you spent time. Many women talk about friends “taking sides,” which can turn into losing those friends. It’s important to remember that the people who feel they need to choose a side and no longer want to be friends — those people are not who you need in your new life after divorce. But it can still hurt — so grieve the loss and try to find solace in the support of friends (old and new) and family members who truly love and care about you.

Support networks are imperative for healing, but make it a point to only choose those people who truly have your best interests at heart. A real friend does not leave you after you get divorced. Although it can feel devastating it is actually a good sign for you to move on without those who choose not to stand by your side. I had to let a few people go who did not truly support me, and it felt amazing once I did so.

Loss of the future as you knew it: As for the future plans you may have had with your former spouse, like dreams and travels and retirement plans, after divorce you may feel confused as to how that future will look. You will need to make new future plans that encompass your own goals, dreams and desires in order to live a purposeful life.

Taking control over your life can be scary, but can also make you feel strong — like you are progressing forward and creating a roadmap for the life you WANT to live. If you do this enough eventually emptiness and uncertainty will be replaced by fulfillment and motivation, and you will start to see rewards — self love, confidence, happiness, and maybe down the road a relationship (if you want that and when the time is right — please heal first).

Learning how to take control starts with identifying core desires, taking steps toward them, and understanding that plans can and usually will change throughout the journey called life — and that is ok. Do not be dismayed if your goals or desires change, or if something comes your way that was unexpected and forces plan changes. Keep your heart open to that — there is always a reason why things change so just let it happen and focus on new plans that align with you.

Loss of financial security: Divorcing can mean the loss of another income, and if you were not employed it can be very scary because you have to find a way to support yourself. This is one of the biggest fears when it comes to divorce for women; in grey divorce it can be even more challenging if the woman was a stay-home mother and never went back to work or started a career after children were born. I know women who had to figure the income thing out after the split, and for most it was not easy…but they all succeeded because they wanted to thrive and be happy. Don’t be afraid to get help with your finances and work goals, and consult with financial advisors, career coaches, or whomever might help you make a path toward financial freedom.

Loss of the old, familiar version of you: This one is rarely considered in divorce and even thereafter, but there is the version of you who existed within the marriage, and she cannot continue to be the same person any longer without the roles she played in that relationship. So there may be grief for who you were at that time in your life. This is normal and will haunt you less as you do the work, until it no longer feels scary. The wonderful part as you face the future is to focus on the exciting time you have to rediscover yourself, find things you love to do and people you enjoy doing them with, and to always keep your heart open to possibilities. The improved version of you will be phenomenal.

A note on the struggle between feelings of grief and freedom: There is usually a grief-freedom battle during divorce healing that can emanate from loss — two polar opposite sets of emotions tugging at your heart. While a divorce usually triggers grief, at least until you have healed (when you get to the point where you feel happy about who you are and positive about your new life), freedom for many women can feel exciting. Some people tend to feel guilty when they feel into that freedom — especially women, as we are raised with different messages than men. Know that it is normal to embrace the grief AND feel good about the freedom — I certainly did. Let it be the catalyst that pushes you toward consuming the healing work, a glimpse of what life will be like once healed — and for that, feel grateful.

The main goal in healing is to love yourself, because love allows us to open and soften, and guides us to the paths that will nourish our lives and fill us with joy. It IS possible. 🦋

If you are a woman healing from divorce please know that you are not alone in your healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting!

So you’ve been through divorce and done the healing work, and now you are ready to start dating….but you don’t want to end up with the same kind of partner, different name and face. If you have grown and evolved after divorce, your dating choices need to reflect that, whether or not you feel ready to get into a relationship.

The most important thing is to be able to attract the kind of people you want to be around, and the best way to do this is to be prepared, because love relationships do not come from luck, they come from higher standards. This starts with being honest and clear as to who you actually deserve to place in your life, whether for one date or for a lifetime.

Many people ask me how they’ll know when they’re ready for dating. The answer to that question is that you will just know. I understand that this sounds a bit far-fetched, but once you start feeling really good about your healing you will feel a lightening within your body, mind and spirit, an opening in your heart. It is usually at this time that you will start thinking about the possibility of dating.

When you are coming to the part in your healing journey where you are starting to feel it might be nice to date, that’s when it’s time to make your list — a list of qualities/attributes you need and would like to see in a future potential partner.

There are a few things to keep in mind when making this list:

1. Realize that the list will morph as you move forward in your dating journey — you may remove or add things as you experience meeting people and spending time with them.
2. There are no rules for this list, other than for you to realize that no one is perfect and no one will fulfill all the qualities on your list.
3. Hold yourself accountable and stand strong.

The idea in making a list is to provide self-accountability. It is easy to meet someone who has a red flag(s) — either a quality issue or a situation they are in that does not serve the new and improved version of you — but if you feel a strong attraction to that person you may still want to move forward with seeing them. The list is there to create a pause to hold yourself accountable — only you know what you DESERVE, what you need, and what will compliment the evolved person you have become. Since doing the healing work brings value to one’s self-worth, part of the reason for making the list is to remind you of this, so you can put YOU first.

The next word of caution is to stand strong with the items on your list for which you will not compromise, as doing so would go against all the hard work you accomplished to heal (I don’t mean only dating men who are at least 6' tall or have a certain income). For example, if you meet someone who doesn’t treat you the way you know you should be treated, don’t even waste your time. If it sets off a red flag in your mind, trust that…no matter how attractive a person may be.

4. One quality that should be on everyone’s list is that the person is “available.” This means they too have done any needed work and are ready for a committed relationship when the time is right or the right person comes along. If someone tells you right off the bat that they are “not ready” for a serious relationship, even if you are just starting to date and may even feel the same in that moment, you may want to think twice about dating that person. Unavailability means they have unresolved issues and some healing work to do. It also means their heart is closed to this possibility — find the people whose hearts are open.

The same goes for those who say they are in the process of breaking up with someone…this does not serve you nor all the hard work you put in to get to where you are. It is a self-worth nightmare, and goes against what you deserve. I met a man like this when I was dating — he checked all the boxes BUT told me he was in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend, who was traveling and would move out of his home when she returned…as attractive as he was, I moved on. It’s been years and they are still together — I dodged a bullet.

Remember this: most people don’t have a “type,” they have a pattern. Until you break this pattern, you will keep attracting the same lessons disguised as new opportunities, especially in dating. The difference this time is that you’re not guessing any longer — you’re choosing with confidence, clarity, and your list, which changes everything. 🦋

Let me know if you need advice in creating your list. If you are a woman healing from divorce please know that you are not alone in your healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting!

Dating after divorce is a completely different ballgame, and you have to be not only ready for it emotionally and mentally, but you need to understand some red flags that may not have been as important when you were younger, or may be played out in a totally different context now that you are divorced and the dating world has been reinvented. Ghosting is a big one.

First, some advice: PLEASE love yourself and do not date until you have done the healing work, or you won’t find the right partner that the healed version of you deserves. Healing is an upgrade, and the new energy you acquire will attract upgraded partners.

Ghosting, the term used for when someone shows interest and then abruptly stops communication with you, is not something new but differs in today’s dating world. It actually signals more than just disinterest and disrespect, and if you learn this you will truly dodge a bullet.

It’s important to note that once you are older you are also much wiser, and the young lady you were back then, sad over a guy who didn’t call or send a note, is NOT the wise woman you are today — she who worked hard to heal from divorce, build self-confidence, and know exactly what she wants and needs in a future partner. It’s imperative to recognize ghosting and be able to walk away.

When I first started dating after my divorce I was seeing a few wonderful men. I was not looking for a relationship, just experiencing dating after 30 years with the same partner, and above all I wanted to enjoy it. I reached out to a man who was a friend of a friend, and asked if he would like to meet for coffee. He said he had just started dating someone so wanted to see how that went. I respected that and moved on.

A few months later the man messaged me and asked if the invitation was still open; I said yes and asked him when he was available. I never heard back. Now I may not have “played” the game how it’s “supposed” to be played, according to what some people told me — I responded right away and asked when he’d like to meet and gave him my availability…then crickets.

My healing journey brought me strength and so much clarity; I do not play games: you ask me out, you get an answer; not on some unspoken timeline that says I should wait until it is a full harvest moon that is in Aquarius, it is raining and there are 3 rainbows simultaneously. I will respond when I feel like responding! In this particular case I just happened to be on messenger while I was waiting for a friend, so it popped up in real time and I responded. If you can’t handle that, then you lose!

I certainly did not want to go out with anyone who was not emotionally mature, insecure or avoidant, so he was out of the running for me to EVER date. No matter what excuse he may have come back with down the road, his behavior was rude and childish, and a waste of my time. Strong, healed women deserve real men — emotionally mature, present, respectful of their worth, and able to communicate like an adult. People can teach you a lot about who they are by inaction as much as action, so trust yourself, your worth and your values.

If a man shows interest in you in any way and then ghosts you, it is the same as him saying “NO” to you. No response IS a response! There is absolutely no reason to ever say yes after that — life is too short. It gives you a glimpse of his character, and it’s not a pretty glimpse so it would forever leave you wondering whether he was truly enamored if you did get into relationship down the road.

People ghost for various reasons, but the most important thing to realize is that it very likely means they are not attuned to themselves, and have work to do to fully become the best version of themselves. Think of it as a puzzle — your piece and theirs will not fit correctly. To be that selfish that you do not consider someone’s feelings is not just a red flag, but is also a flag that is blowing hard in the wind.

The key with ghosting is to not take it personally and to trust your intuition. See this kind of immature man (and this applies to guys too, as there are a lot of immature, non-healed women who play games and ghost) as tests the universe provides you to solidify all you learned during the healing process. By passing on these people you’ll be stronger and eventually, if you desire, find the right person who respects you and sees the real you without fear.

Ghosting may be a common behavior in today’s dating world, but remember that it reveals the truth about the person doing the ghosting, so protect your peace and move on, because you deserve better. 🦋

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting!

I went to the doctor yesterday for an injury. In filling out the forms (new doctor) I once again snickered when I came to the “marital status” field. I could check the “single” choice, or I could check “divorced/separated.” I hesitated for a moment and contemplated…not only which one to choose (or whether to leave all boxes unchecked), but also because this question always stumps me. Will there be a prescription for that?

Why is your love life part of your medical profile? Supposedly it helps doctors gauge things, such as whether there is someone who can be notified in case of an issue. But that is usually in a separate section, and you can list anyone there — a child, parent, friend, spouse, etc. This is a question about support systems, making sure you have one. But again, is this their business (unless possibly if they are psychiatrists or psychologists)? Again, I defer to the subtitle here.

Maybe this question exists on intake forms because the doctors want to determine your stress level? Granted, stress level can affect all kinds of things — emotionally and physically — so this may seem a valid question to some.

Perhaps the question stems from a public health standpoint — to gather data on marital status and things like longevity or heart disease risk (there are studies on these).

Another reason this question exists is for administrative purposes — such as who is the main insured or who makes health decisions if you cannot. But really, this can be a direct question and often IS, in the part where it asks for the name of the insured under your policy.

What about a OB/GYN intake form — should that be different? One can argue that it is important for these doctors to understand whether there is a partner involved in making decisions, such as with pregnancy-related discussions. But isn’t this an outdated viewpoint? (I think so — again, anyone can be your “partner” in your pregnancy journey).

This information becomes part of your medical profile, which stays with you until perhaps it is altered. So maybe healthcare systems use it for data collection and research. Again, this is a bit creepy in my opinion, but for those who are younger and did not grow up in a world where we actually had privacy (or at least much more than we do now), it may be hard to contemplate.

The fact is that many of these forms are outdated and built on old-school assumptions, which can make one feel almost violated, especially women.

Sitting there looking at the form I laughed aloud, as there was not a box to check that said, “previously divorced but in a mature, healthy relationship with a partner who respects me and makes me happy, and who knows whether we will one day marry, as we personally feel it is not necessary, but I am a strong, independent woman and make my own choices.”

After all, how can “divorced/separated” or “single” tell anyone about your emotional state, your happiness quotient or your positioning on a number of health metrics, let alone your mood/outlook/perceptions and realities…knowing these can change daily/weekly/momentarily, based on many factors and events. To me it seems this is very personal, private information, unless the doctor is perhaps a psychiatrist or psychologist and you are engaging their services for emotional help.

Somewhere between my blood pressure and my injury evaluation, my divorce became a data point. 🦋

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting!

You’ve likely heard that what we believe about ourselves plays an important role in how we heal, and which people and circumstances come our way. Many people don’t realize just how powerful our minds are, and when we are healing and in a difficult space we tend to forget this critical truth.

Divorce can be so devastating that it puts many people in a victim state — and some stay there for long periods of time. That time makes it even harder to begin healing. But there are tools you can start using right away to help.

First, it is imperative to understand whether you are operating from a scarcity mindset. This is when we focus on lack — not having something (e.g. love, security) or someone, not having enough, or feeling stuck with limited resources. We believe these ideas and therefore tend to marinate in them, affecting our self-confidence, energy and motivation.

The scarcity mindset can lead to fear, stress, anxiety and even depression, as we are focusing on negativity. Our energy is held captive by our beliefs. Feeling positive becomes challenging because our mindset is centered on lack and negativity.

The reason we cannot grow from a scarcity mindset is because we attract what we ARE, not what we want — this is the law of attraction. The belief in abundance is what allows us to attract the people and circumstances we want in our lives, but when we are in the scarcity doldrums we are not in a place to envision what we want. To figure this out we need to change the mindset.

Now that we understand scarcity and the need to adopt an abundance mindset, let’s focus on how to do that.

1. Identify the scarcity/pain. Simply realizing that we are in a scarcity mindset is the first step toward changing it.
2. Accept the pain and let it go through you. Instead of pushing the pain away (not dealing with it), you need to accept it is there. We all need to allow ourselves to feel it and express it. Cry, scream, hit your pillow — whatever you need to do to release it.
3. Recognize when it’s time to move on and start the healing process. You may find yourself done with grieving, or at least feeling a bit better and realizing you’d like to heal. When you no longer feel you are a slave to the pain, you have already started the healing work.
4. Continue to do the healing work. Baby steps are the goal. Most people need help to get started and to know where to go after each shift or success. Remember that as humans we are always working on ourselves — it is a lifelong journey to rise and become the best versions of ourselves.

You can start the healing journey by expressing that you are capable of healing, that you desire and deserve it, and that you want to build a beautiful new life — simply repeating these words to yourself, writing them down in a journal, and visualizing yourself healthy and happy is a great starting step.

Next, you can follow up with action steps — do things that make you feel good: examples include getting out in nature, eating healthy, making plans with friends, dancing in your living room, and watching funny movies and laughing. These are all positive steps. The key is to do the things that feel good and help open your heart to a new life.

There are so many healing modalities and tools that are beneficial, but each one of us may require a different “prescription” depending on how we process emotions and heal.

Oftentimes help is needed to accomplish mindset shifts, routine tweaks, and next steps, so if you are healing from divorce you can reach out to someone who is professionally capable of guiding you. Remember you are not alone, and there are so many resources out there to help you in your journey.

In time you will notice changes — first little, then big ones. Even if the changes feel small, each should be celebrated as a step in the right direction. As more peace and love come into your life you will feel hopeful and continue to refine what you want and need. These feelings will eventually take over and you will witness your life evolving in beautiful ways. 🦋

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting!

There are many things in life that we do in sequence, some programmed from childhood and others learned from teachers, bosses, in relationships, etc. For example, most of us wake up in the morning and go through a routine — use the bathroom, brush teeth, shower and dress, make coffee or tea — as we get ready for a work day. Things may differ on non-work days or holidays, but we don’t have to remind ourselves what to do because our steps have become routine.

There is actually a term for these automatic actions: automaticity. It refers to the congnitive process by which a behavior or task becomes well practiced, allowing it to be performed by “muscle memory.” Automaticity comes from repetition and follows a linear path, like in the work day scenario mentioned above. It allows our brains to save energy in order to free up resources to perform other responsibilities. This energy save keeps up from getting into high-stress situations and enables us to accomplish what is needed.

Healing, especially when it comes to divorce, does not follow a routine process; in fact, quite the opposite occurs, leaving those who come through divorce feeling lost and confused. If I had a dollar for every person who asked me where to start or what to “do next” in their healing journey, I’d have a nice savings account.

The reason it is so hard to figure out what to “do next” and how to start the healing process after divorce is twofold: first, we are not taught in life how to move forward from trauma, and unless we have experienced trauma before and figured out how to calm ourselves and recalibrate, we can feel hopeless.

Second, there is normally so much emotion involved in the ending of a marriage (even it it was a mutual decision and there is no animosity), which can get in the way of our ability to grab the reins and make a plan to heal and move forward.

Recognizing that healing is NOT linear is the first step to healing. It takes a big weight off one’s shoulders to accept this, by allowing guilt and shame to subside. Often this epiphany comes with an emotional release, which is the next step.

The second step is to let those emotions out. However you need to release the feelings you feel, do it. We all have different ways to unload. I did a lot of crying myself, because the end of a marriage is usually scary and sad. It splits money and property, families and friendships, into pieces, forcing everyone to fit square pegs into round holes, and it is normal to feel like you are the only one who has ever felt so devastated.

At some point after intense emotional release, keeping in mind that timing may differ from what your friend or family member went through when they divorced (we all heal in our own time), you will start to feel enough of a release, and even a desire, to move on. Most of us cannot stay in the muck for an extended period of time. *Please note that if you continue to feel worse and start exhibiting signs of depression or the desire to hurt yourself or worse, get professional help immediately.

When we get to the point we are ready to move forward we need to have a healing plan. Some people try to do this on their own but find it hard to succeed. Many also think that jumping into dating is the answer — this couldn’t be more incorrect. Before you can be with another you need to heal yourself — from the inside out. There is a lot of work to be done to become a better version of you — and skipping it will bring you back to this same place eventually.

The idea of healing not being linear means that from this point you need to be aware of what you need — body, mind and spirit — in order to keep climbing the ladder to that higher self. Some people need to dive into deep wounds that were never tended to, many from before the marriage or even childhood, which can affect how we are in relationship, even with ourselves (such as self-esteem or self-love issues).

Others need to learn how to love themselves again, as they may have compromised themselves in the marital relationship in order to prevent problems with the spouse — this is common.

Next steps are personal and usually guidance is needed. It helps to have a plan to follow to make things easier and establish routine. This builds confidence and promotes self-growth, which will in time manifest into positive feelings and, yes, even joy. It may feel as if a light suddenly goes off in your heart, and a knowing that you will not only survive, but thrive.

So don’t worry if your healing journey feels fragmented or unconventional. Just let it be. Trust your intuition, and the advice of an expert, and don’t fight it. Be curious, do the work, and notice how you feel each step of the way. Best tip: get a journal and write about this daily — there is scientific proof it helps sort feelings and experiences, and you can look back and actually see your progress, which delivers a boost of self-confidence.

Don’t forget that there is only one you, and that you have this life to live — how it plays out will depend on your healing and the love you discover for yourself and your life. Keep it up even on those challenging days and you will come out of the darkness and into the beautiful, bright light. 🦋

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting!

I find it interesting how so many people divorce and jump into dating almost immediately, without doing any healing work. There are 2 reasons why this is a problem that will eventually make life more difficult after divorce.

First, a higher version of you will literally open your heart and enable you to build a new life. You are the caterpillar who will soon emerge from the chrysalis and fly, as the “me” emerges from the “we.” Not healing first will keep you grounded without wings, struggling in survival mode.

Second, without doing the work on oneself old relationship patterns tend to repeat after divorce, attracting the same partners with only different names and faces. Without the work you remain the same version of you; that version will not attract the higher partner you can find after realizing who you are, and what you need and want in your new life. It is through these discoveries that you will know what you seek in a future partner, because you will know your true self.

Self-dating is a wonderful way to start the healing process after divorce. While each person may need different tools to heal, self dating helps everyone to get to know themselves and instill some calm into their lives. Scared of being alone? That is a normal response to divorce and self-dating will help quash this and other fears.

So how does one start dating oneself? The first step is to take it slow. Take yourself out to coffee — with your journal (a journal is imperative during the healing process, and you can buy one in stores or online). The writing is cathartic so don’t bring your computer or type notes on your phone — you need to write (there is scientific proof to this).

Journal writing is not a work of art, nor do you have to be a writer. It is your own personalized collection of feelings, fears, dreams and possibilities. So sit in a coffee shop and start with some deep breaths. Watch people, notice what’s going on around you. Taste the coffee or tea and feel it warming your body. Then notice what you are feeling and write that down — there’s no need to make it pretty or grammatically correct, simply let it flow from your heart to your pen.

From the coffee shop date you can progress to other outings, like lunch in a restaurant alone, the movies, or something fun like indoor rock climbing, a concert or a play, etc. With each experience notice how you feel and write about it.

There is only one rule to self-dating: make sure that whatever you choose, it has nothing to do with what you did with your former spouse — this has to be something you want to do. So if you and your spouse used to go country dancing, choose something else. If you two used to frequent certain coffee shops or restaurants, choose another. If you’re not sure how to choose think back to what you liked to do in your childhood or as a young adult.

The Myth about self-dating

Naysayers may argue that self-dating is isolation and avoidance of moving forward after divorce, BUT this is not true. What self dating IS is an intentional act of rebuilding self-trust, a new personal identity, and a sense of safety within (many of which are stripped in the painful process of divorce, and often for years before).

Transition to Dating Others

At some point in the healing process you will feel a strong sense of self and know what you want in your new life. At this time you may decide it is time to date others. Review the new skills you have developed through self-dating and other tools, and be discerning when it comes to whom you choose to date. Remember that you come first, and trust your intuition. If you see red flags, heed them. There is no rush to find a partner — by listening to and trusting in yourself, the right person will come.

It is also important to trust boundaries you have set for yourself when you date others, and to always be honest with yourself and them. Expect the same from them. Use your journal to write about any experiences and how you applied what you learned about yourself on dates with others.

Keep in mind that self-dating is not a stand-alone healing tool, but can and often does lead to other forms of healing; open yourself up to those if they feel right. Healing can be difficult on one’s own, so seek help if you are stagnant or not feeling better emotionally.

If you are not sure how far you’ve come in your healing process through self dating or any other healing modalities you engage in, look back at your journal entries — this is usually eye-opening and confirms a sense of self-confidence.

Self-dating does not delay love with another…it makes it better.

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting! 🦋

Yesterday I was on my morning walk and received a call from a girlfriend. She sounded normal until she started telling me she was in Barcelona (where her daughter lived), and that her daughter became very ill and went into the hospital.

Something didn’t sound right. I asked how her daughter was doing and she told me she had passed away. I felt a cold sensation and chills rush through my entire body and had to stop and collect myself. Her daughter — a beautiful 25 year old law student and traveler, had leukemia and never knew. She wasn’t feeling well and went to urgent care, was put in the hospital, and in a matter of days she was gone.

As a mother to a 25 year old daughter I was shaken to my core. We all know life is precious, and I especially believe that with all my heart after having gone through and healed from a divorce after 27 years of marriage, but we tend to not think about how incredibly blessed we are to wake up every morning, to look at all the beauty surrounding us (even when it is hard to see it sometimes), and we assume our children will outlive us.

I called my daughter after getting off the call with my friend and taking a few moments to calm my nervous system, and told her, as I always do, how much I love her and how blessed I am for her presence in my life. I told her I feel I am the luckiest mother and that I am always here for her. Although she lives on the East coast and I on the West, she still lives within my heart every moment, and I always look forward to our calls and texts and, of course, visits.

Remember that no matter what you are facing, many others are dealing with much worse. I know this does not matter when you are feeling so down that you are paralzed with fear and/or despair, but there is ALWAYS something for which to be grateful. Thinking this is not only necessary when dealing with grief, fear, loneliness or helplessness (to name a few negative emotions), but expressing it is key to healing.

I wake up every single morning and before I get out of bed I speak my gratitude for the things for which I am thankful. I name at least 5 things and say why I am grateful for them. It starts my day off on a positive note, and carries me throughout. I also express thanks for my blessings prior to going to sleep.

I have been spending the last few days channeling an insane amount of love and prayers to my friend and her family, and also to the spirit of her daughter. I picture her in flowy white clothing smiling down on her parents and brothers. Her love enriched them all, and they were so blessed to have loved her.

There will always be hardships and challenges in this life — without them we would not grow nor try to better ourselves. Losing a child is something I cannot fathom as a parent, not can I rationalize how to grow from it, other than to focus on the joy that child brought during the time they were here (although I am sure this is difficult to do in practice when one is grieving at such a deep level). For those who have been there I send my deepest love and healing prayers.

May you always be grateful.

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting. 🦋

What feels like uncertainty is actually the next layer of self-trust and self-awareness unfolding.

If you are divorced or are going through it, you may have experienced doubts, which I call “divorce hiccups.” They can manifest as little nudges or full deer-in-headlights “oh no” moments, and can catapult one into despair during and after divorce.

When going through my own divorce healing journey I coined the terms “Hiccup Effect” and “Reverse Hiccups” in relation to divorce. The Hiccup Effect means feeling doubtful about the divorce decision. Because there are so many emotions associated with the death of a marriage it is natural to have doubts, so the first thing to realize when you have the “hiccups” is that it is normal to experience the feelings. Keep in mind that while feelings can be painful or even devastating, they are usually temporary and will resolve with self-work through the healing process.

If you ask any divorced person whether they ever doubted their decision to get divorced many will say yes. Once we realize divorce hiccups are normal we need to move on to the next step, and go deeper into the choice you made to see if that doubt is coming from fear (of loss, change, or unknown circumstances, for example) or whether it might be doubt that supports revisiting a serious decision.

On the flip side though, if you don’t do the hard work to create a new life after divorce you will not heal, and that doubt (and all the negativity that comes with it) could stick around for a long time, often dropping you into a victim state and making living a joyous life seem impossible.

What Causes Divorce Hiccups?

Divorce hiccups are usually caused by fear or loneliness, even when you know in your heart that the decision to divorce was soundly made; in other words, when you thoroughly contemplated the divorce and knew it was the “right” thing to do in order to be the best version of yourself. These feelings need to be explored when experiencing “hiccups” in order to determine the next steps, and professional help — from a divorce coach or therapist, for example — is a great place to start.

“Hiccups” are often experienced during difficult times, such as when one gets sick or needs help in some way — and the spouse is no longer there to comfort, take care of you, or ease a burden. It is important to be mindful that these feelings are the body’s and soul’s way of “shedding” — getting rid of that which no longer serve us. Recognize the feelings, sit with them, explore their origins and then let them go. You can try some physical release exercises to help, but if you feel you are slipping into a victim mindset or worse (becoming depressed, not wanting to go out or eat or sleep, abusing substances, etc.) please seek professional help.

Reverse Divorce Hiccups

“Reverse Hiccups” happen when the former spouse is having trouble dealing with his/her new existence outside of the marriage, and projects their challenges onto you, which can affect your energy and healing process. Their feelings might be conveyed by calling, texting, emailing, in person, or even something that is said to a mutual friend or even the children (which should NEVER be done, by the way — keep them completely out of how you feel about the former spouse and only speak well of their other parent so they too can heal and see how mature adults should act).

How to Deal with Divorce Hiccups

Once we understand the source of our own divorce hiccups, or the way those of our former spouse may be affecting us, we can move on and figure out the best way to deal with them in order to continue the healing journey.

Some people may experience the divorce hiccup effect and come to realize that they actually did make a mistake in getting a divorce — and this is what doing intense healing work is all about. Divorce should never be taken lightly, as a marriage takes hard work and needs attention in order to survive and thrive. It is imperative to see if the relationship can be healed before jumping into the divorce process, as with anything that involves a big choice.

If the divorce is past and the feelings of doubt are strong, it is necessary to work on the self first to determine whether the doubt is genuine or comes from some other emotion, like fear — as there are many fears that can materialize upon divorce. Professional help is often needed to discover the origin of the feelings before approaching the former spouse to dive into whether he/she feels the same and where to go from there. It will also help you to prepare for the possibility that should you discuss with the former spouse, s/he may not feel the same.

With reverse divorce hiccups the other spouse may use blaming and shaming and even attempted manipulation as coping mechanisms to bring you down too — so it is important not to react. If you are subjected to reverse hiccups realize first that, like you, the former spouse too is going through a transition and their feelings are valid. You may need to step back before responding and even set some boundaries.

Here are some tips to help you get through “hiccups:”

1.Write down your feelings — this includes what you feel needs to be let go. Make sure to focus on what you have and express gratitude. For example, if you are feeling lonely having someone to share what had been a tough day, instead focus on your bravery for leaving an unhappy marriage, and how it is allowing you to create a new life in which you will find joy. Or if that is too heavy you can find smaller things on which to focus, like the fact that you walked in nature or cooked a healthy meal for yourself — these are easy positive actions and the more we do, the better we feel.

2. Physical release exercises — Imagine you are throwing any negative feelings away, out of your body, mind and spirit. You can take your hands behind your head, call forward the feeling you want to release, and then throw your hands over your head and downward, expunging them. Repeat as many times as needed, and do it for each successive feeling.

You can also do a physical release by writing your feelings down on paper and sending them off somehow (burying them, crumbling and throwing away, etc.).

3. Reach out to your support network — those who love and support you can help you cheer up, especially with laughter.

4. Move your body — exercise, walk, do yoga, dance in your house, etc. These good-for-us actions release endorphins and help us to naturally feel better.

Taking the steps to heal and making a commitment to focus on the self after divorce is necessary. Remember that it is natural to question choices, especially when they are game changers. Learning how to tackle divorce “hiccups” makes it easier to move forward and heal from divorce.

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting. 🦋

I have to admit that I have always had a thing for staying classy, no matter the circumstances. I feel it takes one a long way, sets examples for others, and inspires a kindness culture. Practicing being classy while you heal and create your new life not only makes you feel good, but makes you memorable — for good reasons.

Let me define what I mean by “classy,” as some do not understand this. I am referring to the traditional definition, where one upholds high standards in relationships, conduct, and integration with others within their work environment and their personal lives. It envelops a genuine belief in integrity, authenticity, and being the best version of yourself. You can’t fake it, although people continuously try, thus there are more unclassy people than classy ones. BUT this can be changed if you look at your life, your goals and dreams, and the desire to really be the best human being possible.

Being classy means there is an adoption of an attitude of gratitude, a calm demeanor in the face of challenges (you can go home and scream into the pillow later), all while demonstrating good manners…..things we may not want to do when we are trying to heal and feeling not quite ourselves. BUT this is exactly the time to stay classy. If you can learn to do it when you are at your worst, then you can master staying classy and make it a part of your life.

People notice a classy person and the ways a classy person responds to situations. The recognition creates an ability for the observer to look inward and realize how nice it is to be able to be respectful and hold oneself together, even in a storm. It sets strong examples of courage, self-worth and respect. It creates “I want to be like that!” moments and gives great teaching examples, especially for children as they emulate what they see and feel.

Being classy can be a challenge for some people, and when one is facing hard times this can prove especially difficult and frankly, not desirable. BUT, there are some steps you can take to become classy, and once you do so you will start to feel some pretty great results — whether it be another person complimenting or thanking you, self-pride at keeping calm and spreading it, or feeling like you helped another have a better day (example: acknowledging a mistake and realizing it is human, versus yelling at someone or getting angry when something doesn’t go your way).

I have talked before about how our actions and words can make a HUGE difference in the lives of others. We have a choice: we can react, or we can take a few seconds to a few minutes to respond.

Here are a few things you can do to prevent a reaction and stay classy:

1. Acknowledge feelings that can easily lead to a negative reaction.

2. Stop, close your eyes, and take some deep breaths — about 8–10 total. Pause after each inhale before you SLOWLY let it out, and make the exhale longer and slower than the inhale — aim for twice the time; if you inhale for 4 counts, pause and then release for 8.

3. Shake it off — literally. If you are still tense after the breath work start shaking your body, even adding a little bounce with your feet. It’s a great way to release tension. This can be used any time you feel tense or stressed.

4. Take a few seconds to think of better responses to the situation you are facing — more positive responses that won’t leave you feeling like a jerk once you’ve calmed down and reassessed a bad reaction.

5. Respond positively instead of reacting negatively. Taking a pause allows you to come back with a more classy response, which aside from not regretting later may also make you look and feel like a better person.

These tips can truly help you make a big difference in any situation, such that you can turn a would-be ugly reaction into a positive response. It’s a way to feel good and will actually help you have a better day, which in turn will stimulate your healing process because you are acting from and spreading positivity! To see my podcast on staying classy while healing from divorce click here.

You are NOT alone in your divorce healing journey. For information on how to start or re-start healing, please visit my website and check out the podcast. For more ways to connect click here. If you enjoy this article please let me know by clapping and commenting. 🦋