Yesterday was a looooong and exhausted day, sebenernya dari minggu kemaren sih.

So first, my drawing tablet a.k.a pentablet just stopped working, out of the blue, in mid commission i worked on. I thought it was the stylus pen because i found it on the floor, i suppose it fell then broke, so i bought new stylus. If talking about how i react at that moment? Ful of rage — i threw the pen like it offended me personally, screaming and crying like a scene from a movie where the female lead findout her man was cheating — okay i was just exaggerating, but i genuinely mad MAD.

Long story short, the pen arrived, it didn’t work, fak kata gw teh. Another long story short, i bought a whole new set drawing tablet, with different brand — i kinda regret it to be honest.

One problem solved, i can work on my commission again.

The second problem, i woke up feeling a deep pain on my armpit and shoulder, it was really painful, i thought it was just salah tidur atau pegel biasa, sampai tiba tiba tangan gw bengkak dan ada benjolan — terrifying, i went to meet a doctor days after. The doctor said it was Pembengkakkan Kelenar Getah Bening, she educated me about it, i kinda forgot though, but what certain is.. all of this because imun badan gw lagi turun, dan gw kecapekan — kayaknya gara-gara gw trip ke JKT dan pulang bawa tas berat titipan kakak gw, and my hands just couldn’t handle it well. Bro am i physically THAT weak?

Doctor gave me some medicines, it worked at first, but it didn’t get me feel any better after i ran out of it, and i’m still in pain, even right now. God, i’m so scared, everytime i feel the pain, i’ve been thinking about WHAT IF ini pertanda penyakit serius?? WHAT IF i need surgeon?? I really need to make sure it is really just because gw kecapean aja, please. I’ll go to the hospital in two days to check it again, i really hope nothing serious or dangerous about it.

The third problem, my laptop dead three days ago, sigh. It’s fine now though, i spent 450k rupiahs to fixed it, then another problem came, the charger was also broke, i need to spent 200k for a new one, sigh. STILL ON THE SAME DAY wifi gw jatoh tempo and i spent another 200k for it — i only got like 900k on my bank account, so all i got now is only 50k.. :)

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM dolar sekarang 18k — we’re cooked. Prabowo kontol.

All of this problems, i still thank God at least i could handle it well, i could still afford it even though pas-pasan — like imagine if all of this happen and i got no money at all? So i still thank God despite everything, this taught me sabar dan ikhlas — ea. I keep saying “Indeed, with hardship will be ease.” over and over again, because i believe this will pass eventually.

I feel like gw selalu diuji sama sesuatu yang paling gw cintai, like when my cat got sick twice, i ended up spent my saving for him, all of it — because i love his so much it hurt, i couldn’t imagine to live without him. Then about the laptop, i currently obsessed with video games, i play it ever single day, gw jadi banyak buang waktu, begadang, solat ditunda mulu, and i think i know why God test me with it too, got me spent my saving for it to give me a lesson. I don’t think this as a punishment — never, but i remember i prayed about, “Ya Allah, if i went too far from you, and if i did something wrong that got me far from you, please remind me.” So instead of whining about it, i feel like He remember it, i feel seen and heard.

For the first time in my life, gw gak ngerasa kewalahan atau takut ketika dihadapi suatu masalah. Because again, it will pass eventually.

— — —

So the last thing i want to talk about what happened yesterday is.. i got a suicide notes from my friend, my hands were shaking.

I’ve been known him for months, the same guy i talked in my previous diary.

I tried to reach him out, i called him few times, i felt bad because i replied to his text like 30 minutes later.

You know, i made friends with people online since 2020, i meet a lot kind of people, even the ones who faked their death, faked their gender, faked their whole. I never believe anything in internet, i always skeptical about anything anyway — like in general. So at first, i just feel like i couldn’t believe this suicide notes, but then again.. fake or not, i believe people go through something in silence, also.. this is my friend.

I did my best that night, i search for his identity, all i know about him is his real name, but how could i manage to find his college and city he live in? Well, let say i have my way :)

I tried to reach out his college while constantly trying to text and call him, but before i could reach out his college’s number he replied my text, he was still there — Thank God.

So my skepticism actually still there.. because he replied me few minutes after i said “I reached out your college” BUT then again.. let’s believe my friend, that’s the priority because someone told me he wanted to commit suicide.

I told him to talk to me, that he can tell me anything, but i don’t want to push him either, i told him he can text me when he’s ready — i actually don’t know how to handle this — God, i’m not a hero, i can’t save people. I don’t think i can bear the guilt if that night i just waiting and do nothing when MAYBE i had chance to change the situation.

But at least i could sleep knowing my friend still there, promise to text me later. Sigh.

I still can’t believe, all of those problems happened in a fucking day.

I feel like i can’t never enjoy my life without feeling guilty about it. I’ve been grow up believing that if couldn’t afford something now, maybe i could one day, and now is the day, i have adult money, i can afford anything i want, something i couldn’t afford when i was younger, but somehow — i still can’t. It’s not my fault though.

Rupiah melemah, harga serba mahal. Some people might think i don’t need to worry about it since gaji gw dolar — like, how stupid can you be? Whether orang yang gajinya dolar atau nggak, krisis moneter tetep terjadi dan gak ada yang selamat dari itu except those damned government dan antek-anteknya.

As simple as gw mau beli battle pass Valorant that only cost 112k gw jadi mikir lagi, akhirnya gw beliin makan. Also, i have a plan to go to Jakarta, there is an event that i want to attend. For a moment in my life, i finally got the courage to go outside, far from home and simply cari suasana baru di kota baru buat beberapa hari, but then i rethinking it.. buat transportasi, belum makan, dll. itu nggak akan cukup seratus dua ratus ribu, not even a million rupiahs. Though i can still afford it, but i feel like — in this economy? Wouldn’t that be such a waste? Just for an experience? A momentary happiness?

Belum lagi akhir Mei ada konser Hindia — currently my Indonesian’s favorite singer, and my sister had bought the tickets for us since months ago, mau nggak mau gw harus dateng — i really want to.

I mean i have a literally rich sister, but that doesn’t give me a slightest relief, like bro.. that’s her money, i have no right to expect her to pay me everything, i don’t want to ask her for it either — thought regardless gw yakin dia pasti tetep bayarin, but still, gw yang nggak enak.

There’s so many uncertainties, i don’t know what will happen next day, week, month, or year, i don’t know if i could survive, or am i just too paranoid? Nah, i don’t think it’s because my paranoia, everything is crystal clear, this damned country is about to fall apart, and i hate that i can’t do anything about it — we can’t do anything about it.

Oh God, please help us.

This is not about myself anymore, people are suffering. Kejahatan di mana-mana, orang miskin kelaparan, korban bencana masih terabaikan, some people berhenti kuliah because they can no longer afford it, you have no idea how these news torn my heart apart, so many dreams and potentials crushed, so many lives have been taken.

You have no idea how my day goes with heavy heart, heavy head — i can’t even digest my own problem without thinking how fucked up the country — the world we live in.

I never wish anything bad for people, not even those who did me wrong, but now.. you have no idea how i deeply wish them to die — in ever worst way possible. Kadang gw merasa berdosa for cursing and throws slurs — forgive me for saying this Ya Allah, but i really wish them the worst, in this and after life.

I have a friend i met online last year, we met in a game and we’ve been friends since then, but then he ghosted me for two months — or three, i don’t know, but he left my last message unanswered and if you ask me if it bothers me? Yes it does.

Two days ago, he reached me out again. He had no idea i’ve been thinking to unadd him everywhere, like how dare he wasted my time only to be ghosted in the end, got me thinking we’d do long-term friendships since he said he loved being friends with me because we have so much things in common, me myself also loved to have him as a friend, but self-respect is so high i really couldn’t tolerate him for made me feel stupid, yet here i am, still let him come into my life again the moment he said hi.

Okay — hear me out. I’m not that desperate for friends now, i had other reason why i let him in again, i know i once said i was desperate, but now i believe that friendship probably never meant to be forever, it more like a phase. I accept that i will probably get different friends for every moment in my life, and it’s okay if they disappeared on me one day.

So for his case, i didn’t mind it too much when he disappeared on me, and i’ve been totally fine with his absence, but i’m still mad because he used to communicate well with me, and when he disappeared without saying anything? I disappointed.

Then he explained his reasons to me last night; “i actually didn’t want to ghost you for that long, it’s just that i have this personality of mine where i get embarrassed to reply a message when i saw it late, ykwim? i saw your messages but like a day late that’s why i didn’t reply because i felt embarrassed and until i forgot you messaged me.”

I found it silly — stupid even, yet he couldn’t stop apologizing and feel guilty about it, as it should be though. I’m glad he explained himself and genuinely felt sorry about it, he said lot of things, said he missed me, it meant something to me — to be missed, to be worthy of being reached out again, got me emotional a bit.

Long story short, it happened so fast, we poured everything we felt, tried to understand each other well, i forgave him and we’re good again. You know, when i said i love to have him as a friend is because i can only be as expressive as possible with him, showing my emotions and thoughts, that’s what i’ve been looking for in friendship, that’s why i let him came into my life again. He has something i couldn’t found anywhere, not even with a friend i knew for years — i’ve known him for like seven months by the way.

Now i think about it.. if only i had this kind of maturity when i was younger i wouldn’t have lost my best friend, if only i could be more honest with her, if only i could tell her my feelings, if only i didn’t hold the grudge, if only i could subside my ego and tried harder, we might still be friends now. Yet on the other hand, i don’t want to blame myself for it, my feelings were valid, it wasn’t fully my fault, our friendship was one-sided, and my self-respects too high i couldn’t tolerate it, no matter my heart still longing for her, but what can i say? She didn’t value me as much as i thought.

Talking about friendship again, now i don’t want to put such high expectation on it, not from him, not from anyone. I can handle disappointment from people, because i decided to trust them, so it’s on me. I just need to not fully trust anyone anymore.

i hate that i still feel insecure even in my dream.

i have a weird dream last night, probably because few hours before going to sleep i was playing a game with a friend — the dream wasn’t even relevant though, yet my friend was involved.

so in this dream i went into a restroom, to my surprise there’s a guy came in, “hey, it’s a female restroom, what the hell are you doing here?” i shouted. the guy seemed confused then left without saying a word. after i finished i walked out of the restroom realizing i was the one who mistaken, damn it was the male restroom — there’s a sign outside i just noticed.

i hurriedly left, palm on my face — silly me.

what i thought at that moment was.. i should tell my friend about this stupid story, it’d be funny.

still in my dream by the way.

so i went to my friend, i told him about the restroom incident. he listened to me yapping about it like a kid being occupied by his favorite TV show. i blissfully talk without care until i suddenly came into my sense, realizing he was there, really there, staring at me — knowing i exist. i trailed off.. all i thinking was, “i may be look ugly talking right now..”

i abruptly looked away, did i just laugh while talking earlier? i probably looked weird, i always hate the way i laugh.

the dream felt too real, because it happened in my real life too, when i suddenly stopped talking realizing i may be look weird, they might be noticed how ugly i look in close. i hate that feeling, the feeling that told me to just shut the fuck up and never talk to anyone again.

I feel pathetic right now. How can someone be triggered so bad every time she heard the term ‘friendship’ like it’ll kills her — it does, deep down.

“God, can i have a friend for all myself?”

I tried so hard, i really did. I met quite a lot of people online, people that i thought would long last — it only last two months. I hate that i’ve always overromanticized it, “they might be the one” thinking how it would be when we meet in person, how i planned on making stuff and gift it to them — am i really that desperate? I think so.

I found a website to find friends across the world, it maybe be reckless but i tried it, i made it specifically like, “Hi! I’m desperately looking for a friend (esp girls), i love art, video games, movies and music :D i also need a friend to share memes daily.” i just realized how pathetic it was but well.. i was trying okay? I ended up delete my profile a day after.

I avoid scrolling through social media, there’s bunch of “Send to your bestie,” “You and your homies moment,” “When you and the girls,” type of contents, like can it shut the fuck up? I don’t have one. And that wasn’t even the worst part, because i hate that i’ve been bookmarked it just in case i find one, who knows? I would love to send it later.

There’s some people i know, i could just send it to them but i feel like we’re not personally close, i don’t want to be like i’m the one who think we’re friends while they might be just seeing me as ‘someone online they happen to know’, they don’t even know my real name.

I hate that this friendship thingy affected me this bad, like it’s physically pain me. Maybe i just missed my old friend, the one i deeply loved — God i hate that i’m ugly crying writing this — if there’s a chance we can be like we used to be, there’s no price i can’t give.

You know, if i need to beg, i would. But what’s the point begging when she just didn’t feel it no more? We lost our spark, she might find new friends with new topics, new inside jokes i never know. I might be one who missed her while she barely remember we used to inseparable.

I once had a dream about her, we’re so close yet so far. In that dream i stayed at her house, we slept at the living room while watching movie, she was lying beside me, it felt so real that i was sighing in relief thinking, “she’s still with me, we’re still friends.” until i woke up then i realized that was just a dream, and the reality was been the opposite.

“God, can i have her for all myself, again?”

I hate to think that i am really, really the one who missed us. Probably because i’m on my own now, no one even come cross my mind every time my mom asked, “who are you going with?” like, mom.. i have no friends no more.

I can’t tell anymore if i really need a friend or i just want to prove myself that i can move on from my previous one.

I want to move abroad someday. Malaysia is my choice, oh how i love their accent. Well anywhere but here, i don’t actually care.

I want to spend the rest of my life there, working, even start family, til the day i die.

Wish i could take my last breath there, wish they make it complicated to take me back, because i don’t want to come back.

If it possible, when that day comes, i hope my family never see me. Don’t come to my funeral, don’t hug my grave, don’t even bother bring me flowers.

When i was eighteen, i graduated from highschool, oh how i wish someone would gave me flowers at that moment.. but too bad i didn’t receive any.

I started a YouTube channel since September 2024, i became a quite famous animator — the only thing i really wish to happen is the gifts i might get from my fans, oh how i wish to meet them, i would love to meet them — maybe someone would give me flowers.

So i was thinking.. about the funeral thingy.. i don’t actually want to die at young age, i have goals, i have dreams. I need to keep living.

But.. i feel like i need to write this, simply because, i want people to value my existence, since i’m still alive. why don’t bring me flowers now? why not just hug me now?

why does it have to wait until i’m gone?

It’s Always Like That

I’ve been ghosted everyone for weeks, it’s not something new, i’ve been doing this since forever, if you ask me why? Well, i was wondering too.

Being alive is draining as hell, there’s always a moment when i really treasure my life, probably 3 times in a year, all is fun then i ran out of energy, when the phase is over, i’d disappear.

Sometimes i forgot i exist, maybe i was just too chronically online, i have no real life, yet i always dream about having something to do in real life — really, like going outside, dressed up, wearing something nice — cute, look up at the sky and have some fresh air to breath, but i was too scared.

I’ve been thinking, “What’s the problem, is it me? Is it the people? Or the fact that the world have been too cruel to live in, i might get judged, harassed, or even — killed?” who knows, that’s why i rather isolating myself.

I feel like i’m safer this way, because i feel like i will never be ready going outside where people could see me. It’s not like i hate people, i actually love people, i love interact with people, talking, making friends. The only thing i hate is myself — to think that i don’t belong everywhere, and i might get killed.

There’s must be something wrong with me, really — really wrong.

I’m tired living with fear, always thinking ‘what ifs’ every time something feels off. I’m simply just.. yearn for being normal.

But then again, i think i’ll be fine soon. I’ll get back to my senses, go back to my usual life, start talking to people again, and forget how depressing it felt a few days ago. It’s always like that — that’s just how i am.

This loneliness eat me up everyday. I found a game on Roblox yesterday, it’s so fun and enjoyable, and all i could think at the moment was, “Wish i have someone to play it together,” but no one came up in my mind — like at all.

I stare at my own YouTube channel sometimes, my Instagram, my Discord server, there’s lot of people following me, supporting me — but it couldn’t help me from feeling alone and left out.

Let say i’m a possessive type of friend, i know it’s probably one of many toxic traits i have, and somehow this is wrong and not healthy, i knew it, but i just can’t help it — i don’t like sharing what’s mine — i want a friend for myself only. I have so much love and care to share, but i just want to share it with one person, to make them my priority — someone i can trust, someone i can be silly-crazy-cringe with — just one, i just need one.

I got betrayed for my 7 years of friendship with a girl i met in the middle school, as i said i don’t like sharing what’s mine and at the moment i consider her as mine, my only friend, the best one. I picked her all of people because she was the introverted and shyest one, no one want to be her friend because she was boring, but for me she was the best and i like being friends with her — even though i still have bunch of friend before me, she was my number one — but not anymore.

It’s a long LONG story, and i don’t wanna waste my time write it down here since my English sucks as hell.

All i want to say here is — i need a friend, like desperately.

Oh — I found a guy on game, we played games for days, and well — yeah he is fun and we have so much in common, but i feel like he’ll leave me soon, and i don’t want expect much from this one, he’s a guy after all.

I think it’s just pathetic that i really really desperate for a friend, this is NOT so me — i can make friends with anyone i met, but i don’t need like.. circle of friendship with two or more people in it, or some random people to hangout with.. i just seriously need one — that’s all, and i swear from the core of my heart that i’d deeply care for them, more than they could imagine.

Sometimes i wish that i never been born at all. For all this suffers, family problems, economy — so complicated. I don’t think life worth living.

I wish it was all just nightmare — unreal, i never wish to live like this, i never wish to been born, this was their decision. So why the hell am i the one carrying the weight?

My parents were supposed to have three children, but when my mom was pregnant with the child before me, she miscarried.. lucky for them, it should have been me. I wish it was me.

I feel terrible about myself — like i’m the worst person. They constantly make me feel guilty for my reactions, even though their actions are what pushed me to behave that way in the first place. They label me as selfish, difficult, the bad daughter — the failure — but have they ever stopped to consider their own role in this? It’s like they refuse to see how their behavior affects me, and now i’m left carrying all the blame. How is that fair?

I used to tell myself that crying over this was pointless — that my feelings weren’t valid, that i was just playing the victim. I convinced myself their guilt-tripping didn’t affect me… but i was wrong. Now, i don’t even know why i cried. Was it truly because i was in pain? Or was i somehow trying to make them the villains? The more i question myself, the more confused and alone i feel.

I try so hard to accept things as they are — to understand their flaws, to be grateful for what i have, even when it’s not enough. Even when it’s less than i deserve. I think about giving my whole life to them, sacrificing everything… — my dreams, my ambition — but i know they’ll never see that. Because the moment i can’t be who they want me to be, i become the villain in their eyes. They don’t see how much i love them. They don’t see how badly i wish i could give them the world. They only see my failures.

I’ve never had the courage to say this out loud, but… I’m sorry. I couldn’t control my thoughts, and i ended up hurting you— even though i never meant to. That doesn’t change the fact that i messed up. But i was hurting too. And sometimes, it felt like you never stopped to consider my feelings. Like maybe i could break just as badly as you. I could cry until my ribs cracked open, but you never saw it… because i didn’t let you.

And now i feel like some kind of attention seeker— like I’m just fishing for sympathy. Sorry that you have to read this.

I lied to myself when i said things would get better soon. I trusted my gut, my optimism, even my own voice — at first. But then everything got worse, worse than i ever imagined. Now i’m left wondering… “Should I just hang it all up?”

I’ve been unemployed for two years, i got so small money it’s not even enough for my primary needs. I honestly feel pathetic right now, instead of doing something i write it down my notes where anyone could probably read it. It’s not like they would care, it might seems like ‘another’ story for them, or— an entertainment like i always provide to them.

I completely hopeless, i feel like i’m near the edge.. i always thought about ‘what if’s’ every single day, what if i never get better, what if i never achieve anything, what if i run out of time, what if i end up dying in this state.

I spend my days doing the same thing over and over again, drawing, editing, some shit with no real income. I’m exhausted but nothing pays for it, but then they said, “But you’re a Youtuber now, your followers love you, they support you.” i mean yeah they did.. not gonna lie, i never been this happy, i get the attention and popularity, there may be people out there who wish to have these, and of course I win.. but at what cost?

I think i just need more time to get myself together, progress takes time, i know — but i feel like i’m racing against a ticking clock — days and months slip by, yet i’m still stuck in the same place. I think about people out there do bad and dirty things, get their money and sweet dreams so easily.. and here i am trying to be a good person, to get money in a good way but in the end.. it’s never enough.

If this is a phase that will pass, i will remember this day forever, the day i was starving for days, with no money, no will to live, i hope the future me reads this and says, “You got through it well,”

This is not part of my optimism — it betrayed me a long time ago, but the one thing i always held on to, my trust in Almighty Allah SWT, which was only Him i could trust when i didn’t even trust myself.