I avoided opening my digital drawing gallery because of one last drawing I never finished—well, couldn’t finish. It was meant for someone who made me want to draw in the first place. I felt sad thinking that when my drawings finally became good enough, the person I wanted to show them to was no longer interested in anything about me. But on a random Saturday, I saw a photo that inspired me. Surprisingly, my hands didn’t shake anymore when I looked at that unfinished piece. I looked at it softly and realized that despite everything that happened between me and the person who made me start drawing, it was still a journey that shaped who I am now. I wouldn’t be here if we had never met.

I avoided going to restaurants I used to love, just because the last person I went there with is no longer in my life. I thought the food would taste the same, but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it anymore. It would feel dull without the person who once brightened my world. But on a random Monday, my feet stopped right in front of that place. I ate alone—and surprisingly, I enjoyed it. I smiled as I remembered the last conversation we had there.

In the end, I realized I avoided so many things for so many reasons … but then, on random days, I just start doing them again—with a new perspective. Maybe I still feel a little sad because they’re just memories now, but at least, at that time, they were moments of happiness in my life. Maybe that’s just how life goes on. And maybe, little by little, I’ll keep returning to the things I once avoided—on random days.

People tell me to pray as if I’m a sinner and depression is the way I pay for my sins. They tell me to do some yoga or go for a walk—while I can’t even get myself out of bed because my energy is gone, and I let out a heavy sigh every time I wake up, regretting that I have to wake up every single day.

I left the things I once loved. I lost all of my interest. Yet people keep asking me, “Why don’t you do this and that to get out of your depression?” and questioning me even after I tell them that I’ve already tried all of their unrequested advice.

It’s always “mental health matters” until I seek professional help and choose to be medicated. Then people find out I take meds and say, “You could survive without meds, just think positive.” Like… positively want to die? Positively want to go to the grave?

All of their actions scream as if depression is just a myth and everything is my own fault. All of my pain doesn’t make sense in their heads. All I can think is: if only they could see the pain—just like how they can see the scars of someone who fell from a cliff—then it would make sense to them.

Unfortunately, just like a toothache that can’t be seen, the pain of depression is real—and worse. It makes me miserable in the same way a high fever does, when I can’t do anything for days or more. But it leaves no swollen cheeks like a toothache, no visible marks on my body. It stays hidden in my mind.

If only I could show them that this pain feels the same as when my head is bleeding—maybe then it would make sense to them. Maybe then they would stop saying that I’m just an ungrateful kid who can’t be positive for once in my life.

I am twenty-four now. My family asks me about changing careers to a better one, but I don’t even know what a “better” career looks like. In every interview I’ve gone through, I can’t even answer the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Like… I don’t know. I’ll just go wherever life takes me, I guess. It’s not like I don’t have dreams, but I don’t know what to dream about yet.

I am twenty-four now. My high school friends are getting married and having babies. I thought I’d be married too, but I broke my own heart by ending the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I think I can’t see myself loving someone else for at least two years from now, or maybe more… because I need to rebuild how I perceive love and romantic relationships. I don’t think I have the capacity to love someone right now. I even question myself: Did I love myself enough through these twenty-four years? Was I ever enough for myself? How can I be with someone else when I’m not even sure about who I am?

I am twenty-four now. I thought I would have things figured out and be living a really comfortable life—just like everyone I see on social media. Yet in reality… my soul feels stuck at eighteen. I question every single thing I’ve done and haven’t done. I question whether I took the right path or just made things worse. I question what I really want to do, who I want to be. Sometimes I even wonder if I can blame all my stupid decisions on my not-fully-developed frontal lobe, as if I haven’t really solved the identity crisis I was supposed to go through in my teenage years.

I am twenty-four now, and I’m finally starting to realize that I need to listen to my true self more than to whoever says this or that—more than my own overthinking mind that never stops talking. I need to start the talking stage with myself instead of doing that with anyone else, because there are so many things I don’t even know about myself, even after being together for twenty-four years.

I am twenty-four now. The life I want to live is waiting for me. There are so many things I need to do. So many things I want to achieve. I’m only twenty-four years old, and it’s alright to be a little confused.

Sometimes I just want to explode and pour out all my anger to my family about so many things, instead of being the good kid they’ve always thought I am. Sometimes I just want to cry and tell my ex how much everything that happened between us hurt me, instead of faking that I’m okay and that it doesn’t hurt at all. Sometimes I just want to tell everyone that I’m so done with this life, instead of walking around pretending to be one of the happiest people in the world.

I realized that when I allow myself to be pathetic instead of strong, I feel a kind of relief I never even knew before. Even when I just write everything out, I feel lighter—like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like I can finally breathe, as if I’ve just woken up to fresh air.

All this time, I thought that even with the people closest to me, I needed to stay resilient so no one would leave me, so they wouldn’t remember me as a pathetic person. But now I know that deep inside, I find comfort in being pathetic and vulnerable. I don’t want to keep hiding what I truly feel. I want someone to console me and hold me tight.

All this time, I’ve realized that I want to find someone who makes me feel comfortable enough to be a crybaby, to be pathetic, to be vulnerable without holding back whatever I want to share. I want to be someone who can help others realize the comfort of being pathetic and vulnerable.

People got tired of hearing me keep talking, writing, and wishing about you. I even got tired of the side of me that keeps revisiting our memories as if I’m still living in them. I got tired of myself asking rhetorical questions such as: Don’t you miss me? Will you run back to me? Can I have you?—even though I already know the answer is no.

It’s not your loss. I know you’ve never thought of me, not even for one second, so I also know that you’ll never miss me or come back to me. It’s my loss. I’m the one who keeps missing you in both my good and bad times. I’m the one who still wishes you’d be outside my apartment, that somehow we would hug again.

People say that even if you begged on your knees to come back, I shouldn’t say yes—that I should have some self-respect, that I deserve better, that I could become a better person and attract someone a million times better than you.

I know I might really deserve better, but I miss you. I want you, and I want to make things right with you. I want to give you the love I have in my heart. I know I sound stupid and look like a love fool, but maybe this is what the final stage of love looks like. Maybe someday I’ll be fine—but right now, even though I know I might deserve better, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.

Aku suka kamu. Aku mau elus sayang kepalamu dan cium kecil pipimu. Aku mau bagi cinta yang aku punya di duniaku untuk kamu. Aku mau kamu tahu di setiap doaku ada doa yang aku selipkan untuk kebaikanmu.

Selalu ada kamu di setiap hal yang mau aku lakukan; pikiranku pasti bilang, “Akan lebih seru kalau sama kamu!” Setiap aku capai sesuatu, aku mau kamu jadi orang pertama yang ingin aku beri tahu, sembari sedikit manja di dalam pelukanmu.

Aku sayang kamu. Aku enggak akan bisa janjikan selamanya, karena masa depan enggak ada yang tahu. Tapi aku mau sama-sama kamu yang lama, dengan harapan kamu juga mau.

Kalau kamu belum mau, aku masih akan di sini, menanti-nanti kabarmu yang kuharap selalu diisi oleh hal-hal baik dan menyenangkan, meski bukan aku yang jadi alasanmu untuk saat ini.

Mungkin nanti, akan ada hari di mana kamu lihat cintaku yang besar dan sepenuh hati ini. Mungkin nanti, akan ada hari di mana harimu diisi oleh aku dan penuh dengan kebersamaan kita berdua yang membuat senyum tidak berhenti merekah di pipi.

Kalaupun cintaku ini nanti hanya akan jadi cinta yang berakhir kurasakan seorang diri, aku akan tetap bahagia karena diizinkan untuk pernah miliki perasaan ini. Aku akan terus jatuh cinta lagi, sepenuh hati. Aku percaya kalau cinta tidak boleh setengah hati, walau taruhannya adalah hatiku patah berkali-kali.

I walk past a place we visited with so much love in the past and think that maybe we couldn’t get married one day, but I wish I could live longer in your memory—just like the way you still live in mine, until only God knows when.

I don’t wish to be in your life anymore, but I wish that whenever you go to your favorite restaurant, you remember the laugh we shared. I won’t ask how your life is anymore, but I wish that once you finally achieve all the dreams you told me about, there’s a part of you that reminds you how I always cherished you with all the love I had when we were together. I can’t hug you anymore, but I wish there will be a day that whispers to you how deep and warm our hug once was.

I know you won’t love me again the way you used to. I know we can’t go back together, but I heard people say that we can’t really forget someone we loved with our whole heart, so I wish I could live longer in your memory (because we can’t live longer in reality).

“Love me, please, as much as I love you.” was really something I wish I could say.

“Love me, please, with all my flaws. With all my doubts, with all the issues I try to handle.” was something I wish I could wish for.

“Love me, please, even though my healing journey wasn’t finished yet, even though I’m still unsure about so many things in life.” was something I wish I could have from someone who wants to keep going through our healing journey together; to be better and better everyday.

“Love me, please.” was something I wish I had said before everyone really left me.

Lambat laun aku sadar kalau kamu terlihat seperti orang baik bagiku, hanya karena kamu mau aku; saat kamu sudah tidak tertarik lagi, kelakuanmu yang sebenarnya terlihat jelas di depan mataku. Tidak ada lagi kalimatku yang kamu dengarkan, pun kehadiranku untuk tanya ini itu seolah-olah hanya angin lalu.

Kamu sudah tidak mau repot jelaskan panjang soal hal-hal yang buat rumit kepalaku, kamu merasa cukup balas saja dengan satu kalimat; yang aku yakin kamu ketik sembari berdecak kesal sebab aku kini hanya pengganggu hidup tenangmu. Kamu putus akses komunikasi antara aku dan kamu dan hapus eksistensiku sehingga kamu tidak akan lagi mendengar atau melihat bahkan sekadar ujung kakiku.

Aku akui aku sedikit kecewa dan merasa sedih karena aku merasa ditinggalkan, walau sejak awal aku selalu yakin kalau kamu akan pergi jika bertemu orang yang jauh lebih baik daripada aku yang hanya begini saja. Walau sudah tahu dan paham betul tentang ini semua; aku tidak tahu cara untuk menahan rasa sakitnya.

Mungkin caraku berdamai dengan rasa sakitnya adalah mendoakan hal-hal buruk untuk hidupmu ke depannya. Aku sungguh berharap kamu tidak akan pernah hidup bahagia. Aku tahu betul doa buruk tidak akan membawaku ke mana-mana. Tapi aku sudah tidak akan — dan tidak bisa — mendoakanmu yang baik (karena kenapa aku harus mendoakan kebahagiaan untuk orang yang menyakitiku?), meski begitu, aku tahu kalau hidupmu akan baik-baik saja.

Pikiran soal kamu masih bisa tersenyum bahagia pun membuat kepalaku mau meledak rasanya. Setelah semua yang kamu lakukan, menurutku, kamu tidak berhak untuk bahagia. Sejenak pikiran jahatku berpikir kalau akan lebih baik kamu hilang saja dari dunia, mungkin aku baru akan merasa puas pada akhirnya.

Kamu bukan orang baik. Itu hal yang kini aku percaya setelah semua yang kamu lakukan, maka aku rasa, wajar saja kalau aku harap kamu tidak akan pernah hidup bahagia. Kamu tidak pantas bahagia setelah membuat orang lain menderita sedemikian rupa.

Sayangnya, aku tahu kalau doa jahat tidak akan terkabulkan, aku tahu kamu sedang dan akan selalu baik-baik saja.

You might think you’re not good enough, that you still have a lot on your plate, that you’re afraid you’ll hurt me in the end—but, baby, why do you think you’ll hurt me when I’m already so happy just by your presence? I love the way you try to love me in your imperfection; I love being the one who listens and holds you when there’s too much weighing down your shoulders. I love when we can be vulnerable with each other but never think of leaving each other.

You might think loving is easier than receiving love. You're questioning what you’ve done to deserve to be loved. Darling, you must know that love doesn’t ask you for anything—sometimes you just need to exist. I know it’s hard to receive the love others try to give—the love I try to give to you; the love you try to give to me—but we can learn it together. I think it will be easier when it’s the two of us, don’t you?

We might unintentionally hurt each other, but let’s hope that the joy and love are far bigger than the bad feelings that might come. Let’s try to create more happy and warm days than sad and cold ones. Let’s try, in this life, in this timeline.

Baby, there’s no another life—so, let’s love each other here. I know that love alone is not enough, but we can always add kindness, consideration, and other things to make it work. As long as we love each other in the first place, a good and right love can always make us want to be better and better. Would you be better together with me, in this lifetime?