The "Right" Kind of Fat

Guys, I don't know if you know this or not, but, being overweight/plus size is now totally in.

Exhibit A: 

The Beautiful Kim K.

Exhibit  B:

The radiating Beyonce.

Guys, REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES.

I actually sort of despise that phrase.  First off, does that mean that naturally skinny girls aren't "real" woman?  I'm pretty sure the character makes the woman not the body shape, be it a skeleton with skin or a busty hippo.

Second...the phrase really means, "Real women have the right curves."

If I weighed 50 or 100 pounds more than I do, I would look like these guys:

Please note that these sexy little dudes have the exact opposite shape as the "real" women above.  Skinnnny legs, hips, arms and bum.  With all of the fat making it's home on the tummy and face.

So, it's okay to be chubby...as long as you are chubby in the right places.

I'm not saying this should be a thing...

But, I'd be okay if it was.

My Three Boys

I feel like my life right now is pretty near perfect.  Do I live in my dream house?  No.  I'm living in a vacation home with other peoples underwear in the dressers.  Am I rich?  Certainly not.  There are LOTS of things I would buy and do if I could.  Do I look perfect?  No, my pregnancy weight has a lot more staying power this time around.  I want to lose another seven pounds.  Are my kids perfect? No, right now I have a split lip from where Jack decided to claw at my face with his chainsaw like fingernails.  And Tyler has spit up on my pants multiple times today, leaving them all crusty and nasty.

BUT, I have a little baby who follows me with his eyes, anywhere I go.  Who is always seems to be waiting for me to look at him, so he can smile at me.

I have a little boy who is learning so many new things everyday.  He always says "Thank You" in his little voice, whenever I give him something.  He gives me hugs and kisses and wants me to hold him and play with him.  I am his world...and he is mine.

I have a husband who drove to the library to help me when I left my lights on and the car died.  A husband who sleeps better when I'm next to him.  Who loves to spend time with me and gets sad when I don't give him a kiss right when he gets home.

I am loved and I am loving deeper than I ever have.  I love my little family.  I love the city I'm temporarily living in.  It's magical and snowy.  I love the friends/relatives we have here who have made us feel so welcome.  

So, while my life has it's challenges, they seem minor compared to the rest of what I have.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been happier with another life.  What if I hadn't gotten married so quick or had kids right off?  Would I be happier with more sleep and freedom.  Would I be happier living my dream of being a tattoo artist in some city (that was a real dream people).

But then I think about where I am.  My little buddy is laying with his head on my shoulder while he sings "The Wheels On the Bus" in his cute little baby voice.  I can hear my baby snoring on my other side.  I know later tonight I get to see my best friend and talk about my day and laugh with him.

So while my life might not seem very exciting or grand...it really is perfect.

The Oscars/MMA's 3

It's that time of year again! The Oscars.  Well it was a week ago, but, I'M A BUSY WOMAN.  I've got naps to take, children to tend to, yogurt and granola to eat...Basically you are lucky this post even came to fruition.

So without further ado I present to you the Third Annual MMA's or Melani Michelle Awards.

First Up, Best Dressed:

Keira Knightley

I have to admit I'm not a big Keira fan.  She just seems to be all jaw.  But she is looking like a delicate forest nymph here.  I love the words and flowers and the soft curls of her hair.  Way to be Keira.

Michael Keaton

This suit is VERY fitted but Mr. Keaton is working it.  He looks like a slender little superhero.

Anna Kendrick

I remember back in the day when I thought coral was a color only middle aged ladies wore. Or the color of my grandma's bathroom.  But it has made a come-back and I'm loving it on Anna here.  Personally I don't get the Anna-hype, but I guess it is refreshing to see a celebrity with a more unique look.  Anywho - I love the flowiness of this and the rhinestone collar.  

Anna Ferris

This silver dress looks delicious.  Literally.  It looks like crushed ice.  And there are few things in this world I love more than crushed ice.  I also like the little train in the back.

Jennifer Lopez

This dress is divine.  I don't know if I'm crazy about the color but Jennifer's skin color is perfect for this.  I'm just a sucker for chiffon and beading. 

Sunrise Coigney

First off her name is Sunrise.  I feel like this would be an unfortunate name to have.  Anytime you were having a bad day, people would say, "Cheer Up, Sunshine."

But Ol' Sunny is wearing a lovely gown.  I love all of the tailoring.  So posh.

*upadate: I just realized her name is Sunrise not Sunshine. Apparently it was rather late when I decided to write this. 

Now onto the Uglies of the Oscars.  Usually I dislike some dresses that everyone else LOVES...but I have superior judgement, so I'm right.

Worst Dressed

Scarlet Johansson:

I don't know why Scarlett went out and got herself a Miley Cyrus haircut!  WHY?!  You are so beautiful! WHY?! Actually she did a good thing, now she looks more like the rest of us.  Even if her hair wasn't cut high and tight I still wouldn't be a fan of this dress.  Mostly that collar is just not working for me.  It reminds me of this...

...The Negative.

Felicity Jones

I wanted to like this dress...I wanted to so badly, because of the nice full skirt.  But, I just can't, because of the funky little circle cutouts, and that dodgy little collar.

Marion Cotillard:

                         

So I first saw this dress from the front, and I though, "eh, not great, not horrible."  Then I saw her from the side. "What the--!"  It's like her butt needed some extra support.  A butt saddle, if you will.  Or as Mandi calls it, a butt belt.  You choose.

Lupita Nyongo

This is one of those dresses that everyone seemed to love.  Apparently this dress is made from a million and four pearls...or something.  But I just think they used a million and three pearls too many. 

John Travolta

Dear Mr. Travolta.  Since when has a chain counted as a bow tie?  Maybe he was trying to channel his inner dog.  All he needs is a little name tag with contact information dangling from his collar.  

Blanca Blanco

This young lady looks like she has been draped in a giant piece of melted plastic, attached by a tiny bit of twine.  That little sliver of fabric has it's job cut out for it.

Next Award: The Maybe-These-Outfits-Are-Ugly-But-I-Can't-Tell-Because-I-Just-LOVE-Blue Award.  Or we could just call it the Color Blind Award.

Louise Roe

This dress was actually on the worst dressed list, but the more I looked at it in all of it's navy glory, the more I was taken with it.  

Thea Andrews

This cobalt number looks like, "it's barely hangin' ooooon" to her torso.  But I still love it because... BLUE!

Eddie Redmayne

What a delightful chap in a delightful suit.

Kelly Preston

I am continually mystified by the fact that she chose John Travolta to marry.  John Travolta is a gem in Hair Spray though.  So there's that.  The only time I like the man is when he is dressed as an obese housewife.

The Prettiest Homeless Man Award goes to...

...Jared Leto!

There are a thousand secrets hidden in those tresses of his.  

Coconut dress Award:

Julianne Moore 

It's like an episode of Food Network's Chopped.  "Um...yes...today I would like to present to you a freshly grated coconut creme pie, covered with goat's milk whipped cream, topped with dehydrated Tuscan grapes."

Janet Award:

Common

As always we have the Janet Award.  This award is dedicated to my dear friend and her unhealthy obsession with all things velvet.

What the What?! Award:

Diane Warren:

                      

Diane, you little trickster you.  You had us all thinking you were an effeminate boy.  What with that blazer and that scruffy mop atop your head.  

Willow Bay

                                   

Hard to see, why you chose this dress, it is.

The Conductor Award

 Will.i.am

Maybe he had a childhood obsession with trains...and...convicted felons.

Water Buffalo Award

Jason Reitman

Observe their matching haircuts. 

The 1980s Prom Award goes to:

Michelle Schumacher

And to end this awards ceremony on a high-note, I give you...

The Cutest Couple Award:

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dawson

Their baby must be perfection.

I looked her up...and don't worry, she's adorable.

You can read The Oscars/MMA's 1, here.   And the MMA's 2, here.

The ABC's of Jack

A: "Are you tree????"  What Jack says when he wants to listen to his favorite song.  Are you coming to the Tree from the Mockingjay soundtrack.  It's the first real song he has sung.  And it is adorable.

B: "Bye Are You Tree" This is what Jack says when he wants me to turn off the song.  Which I do and then two seconds later he wants it back on again.  It's a lovely little dance we've got going.

C: "Chug-ton" One of Jack's favorite shows is Chuggington.  Don't worry I have the theme song memorized.

D: Drool.  Not something Jack says.  It's something, he does, often.  Very often.  Especially when he's sick.  Poor little fellow.

E: "A-mo" Elmo. I bought the Sesamee Street ABC's and 123s apps for the ipad.  They are Jack's favorite things to play.  He often asks for a-mo.

F: "Foo"  Foot.  Jack knows all about feet.  He loves to scratch/pinch other peoples.

G: "Go Biddy!" Chris's Aunt and Uncle live near us in Colorado.  They even let us stay in their house for a couple of weeks while we looked for a place to live.  They are gems.  Right ol' gems.  They have a son, Bitty.  Jack loves going to Bitty's hockey games and he cheers him on, "Go Biddy!"

H: "Hockeeee!"  One of Jack's favorite things in the world is Hockey.  Chris's Aunt and Uncle have a massive gym in their house.  It is filled with every kind of ball, bats, pucks, sticks, and there is even archery equipment.  This gym is heaven on earth for Jack.  And his favorite is playing hockey.  He always wants to use the biggest stick and he's gotten quite good at hitting the pucks.  Oh, and he likes to wack the fake hockey goalie in the gut with the stick, over and over.  His lovely Uncle Chris taught him this trick.

I: "I paa" I-pad.  Jack loves the ipad and since he has been a sickly little child lately, he has played with it a lot.  A LOT.  It's amazing to me how skillfully his chubby, drool covered fingers navigate the ipad.  One time I saw him playing on it with my mom.  I asked my mom how she knew the password. She said she didn't, Jack had just come over with it already on.  So I turned it off and handed it to Jack.  He grabbed it, unlocked it, and entered the password like it was his job.  I have no idea how he knew the password.  He must have seen me do it a couple of times.  That boy is smarter than he looks.

J: "Jooos" Jack loves juice.  Sometimes I think he likes the idea of it better than the actual stuff.  He'll ask for it and then take a tiny sip and be done.

K: "Ki Bawl!" Kick Ball.  Jack loves all kinds of balls and he knows that a soccer ball is kicked.  He yells, "Ki Bawl!" and then chases the ball around with his wee legs.

L: "Ligh off" Light Off.  Jack gets his on's and off's mixed.  "Ligh off" actually means "Ligh on".

M: "Mine!" One of my biggest pet peeves: when little children yell "MINE" at me.  But I realized the other day that adults yell this at little kids.  We taught them how.

N: "Ni-ni swee-harr."  Every night I say "Goodnight" and "I love you to Jack."  I always call him sweetheart when I do this.  A while ago he started calling me sweetheart back.  It's hard for me to explain how cute I find this.  I just want to squeeze that little kid and never let go.

O: "Owz" Ours.  One time I took Jack on a walk and he wanted to stop at every basketball hoop we saw and "shoot bawl".  I kept telling him, "those aren't ours Jack, we can't play with them."  Since then he has learned the concept of ours and not ours.  If I say he can't play with something he asks, "Not Owz?"

P: "Pees" Jack has learned to say Please and it melts my heart when he says it.  Especially when it wasn't prompted by Chris or I.

Another P of note is "Pa-Pa".  This is what Jack calls my dad.  He often says, "I wan pa-pa." And one time he kept saying, "Pa-pa hockee."  He wanted to watch hockey with my dad.

Q: "Ques-shon-bal"  Questionable.  Jack says this when I offer him old looking fruit.  Just Kidding.  But, I would love that.

R: "Wocks" Rocks.  On our drive to Colorado Jack was very concerned that the rocks would fall and hit out car.  He kept asking, "Wocks Faw?!"

S: "Soc-er bawl"  Another of his favorite balls.  Jack also says, "Shoo ball".  He bends his knees and then jumps while his hands make a perfect shooting flick.

T: "Ty-er" Tyler.  Jack likes to know where Tyler is.  He says, "Where biby Ty-er?"  I don't know if this a good sign or not.  Is he concerned about Tyler's whereabouts?  Somehow I think his intentions are not pure (this sentence is a testament to the fact that I have been watching a lot of The Bachelor lately).  On the upside, Jack has not injured Tyler for about a month now.  Knock on keyboard.

U: "Up dow."  One of Jack's favorite songs is "The Wheels On the Bus."  And he loves the, "children on the bus go up and down, up and down...".

V: "Vacooom"  Vacuum.  Jack has gotten over his fear of the vacuum and now he enjoys sparring with it.  He will grab the attachments and use them as a sword/lance.  He then proceeds to yell, "OH! OH! OH!" at the vacuum and stab it, using his fencing shuffle that he has perfected.

W: "Wahk".  Jack enjoys a good stroll.  And now that I have my double stroller, this is possible.  Pushing that stroller is like pushing a double-decker bus though.

X: Oh gracious, the "X".  THE "X".  How I have been dreading you.  We don't own an xylophone...big surprise.  And Jack has never had an x-ray.  That he can remember anyway (he had one done during the Jack's misshaped head debacle of 2013).  So there are no "X" words Jack knows.  Don't worry though, I just taught him "xiophoid process".

Y: "Ye-yo" Jack has finally started to maybe recognize colors.  I was convinced he was color blind for a few months. I even looked up tests on the internet and tested him. But every now and then he will randomly spout out a color.  Like yesterday he picked up one of his toy trains and said, "ye-yo tray".

Z: I don't think Jack knows any "Z" words.  He does enjoy a good trip to the zoo though...yep...that's all I've got.

How You Know You Watch Too Much Children's TV

After watching Curious George for the hundredth time you start forming some strange opinions about the shows your child watches.  For Example:

Curious George:
"The man in the yellow hat is looking pretty good."
"He is rockin' that bathing suit."
"Why is he still single?"
"I bet him and Professor Wiseman have a secret tryst going on."
(After Professor Wiseman invites The Man in the Yellow Hat to her beach house):  "Yep, they are lovers in the night."
"Bill if you say, 'city kid' one more time, I swear I will smack you right in your uneven side-part."
"All of the quints sound a little bit like they are inbred."
"If real monkeys were as cute as George, this world would be a better place."
"Why doesn't George have a tail?"
"The Man in the Yellow Hat doesn't keep track of his pet/son very well."
"How has George not been kidnapped yet?"

Mickey Mouse Road Rally:
"Tootles is a cry baby."
"Was Mickey this cheesy when I was little?"
"Pete, you are my very favorite, you grumpy little lump."

Wild Kratts:
"The animators were very generous in their rendering of the Kratt brothers."
"It's nice to see a genuine stoner on a kids show.  Reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby Doo."
"I want a creature suit.  Then I could I fly."

Sesame Street:
"Mr. Noodle you are everything that is wrong in this world.  You are the reason I don't watch this show."

Thomas and Friends:
"Oh Thomas, your voice.  Your voice.  I'm not too fond of it.  You don't even have a British accent?"
"Sir Tophum Hatt is a very squat little man."
"Percy you need to man-up."
"Oooo, I love this song! 'Gotta, gotta work harder...Blue Mountain Quaaaary!'"
"Those poor engine drivers, they get dragged to and fro by those trains with faces."
"Seriously, why are you letting them drag you to the Misty Mountain?"
"I hope you brought snacks Mr. Engineer, cause Thomas got you stranded. Again."
"'Cinders and Ashes'?! Who comes up with these expressions? One of these days I'm going to find myself yelling this in real life."

Chuggington:
"Train-tastic?! How did that become a thing?"
"Brewster, I think you have had a head cold since episode one."
"Vee's laugh haunts my lifestyle."
"Does this town not have cars?"
"Do you have to take a train to go anywhere?"
"These chuggers have a lot more tricks up their sleeves than Thomas."
"Eddie's better looking than Hodge."
"Poor Emery, does he have to say 'Special Announcement' before EVERYTHING?  Who programmed him this way?"
"O.Em.Gee. That new little baby train is adorable!"
"Mtambo I love how your little lights make an afro!"

Tyler at One Month

A month and one day ago, I popped out another tiny human.  I just love my little little.  Loving Tyler has come quicker than loving Jack.  I think this time around I know how to love a baby and I'm not afraid to let myself be super sappy with the little Thing.  With Jack I was actively trying not to act like a love struck mother and this time I just went for it...baby talk and all.

Top 3 Things People Say When They See Him:

1. "He doesn't look like Jack."  This is very true, his face is much more squat than Jack's and he has adorable droopy eyes.  Oh, and he's bald.

2. "Look at that face!"  Tyler is the master of making strange faces.

3.  "What happened to his face?" This would be because poor little Tyler generally has a scratch on his face from his loving brother Jack.  Getting Jack to love Tyler has been a work in progress.

Top 3 Cutest Things He Does:

1.  His distressed little faces and squeals.  When he does these I just want to cuddle him and never let go.

2.  When he gets crazy eyes.  See picture below.

3.  He has awake-smiled a couple of times.  I love it! Especially since sometimes he seems like such a sad fellow.

Top 3 Least Cute Things He Does:

1.  He still wakes up a lot at night.  Only like every four hours, but at about one month Jack was almost sleeping through the night.  But really it's not that bad.

2. He gets very upset when he's not being held.

3.  Spits up and get nasty milk caught in his chins.

Top 3 Likes:

1. Being snuggled.  When Jack takes a nap, so do Tyler and me.  I cuddle into him and listen to the cute little noises he makes when he sleeps, I love it.

2.  His little green hospital pacifiers.  I am not of fan of these pacifiers, you can see their little sucking mouths.  It reminds me of a little sucker fish.  I would much rather have Tyler sucking on a little football pacifier.  But he'll have none of it.

3.  Being patted on the back.

Top 3 Dislikes:

1.  Being left alone.

2. Being in his car seat.

3. Cold diaper wipes.

Top 3 Differences between Jack and Tyler:

1.  Their head shapes.  Tyler's is cute and round with the biggest soft spot of my lifestyle.  And Jack's was very narrow and skinny.

2.  Jack was a little more content overall.  Tyler likes to be held and loved more.

3.  Tyler seems much more concerned with life.  His brow furrows and looks worried quite often.  And Jack has always been extremely happy-go-lucky.

Now for some pictures.

Tyler's one and only Christmas present was this little Build-a-Bear.  He is wearing a military uniform because Chris got a military scholarship for medical school.  So we shall most likely be a military family.

Sometimes babies and their bears switch outfits.

And sometimes they just like to chill out in their diapers.

Now for a segment I like to call...the many faces of a Tyler Alberts.

I call this one Cross-Eyed-McGee.

 "Oh shoot gurl, Oh no you didn't."

 "Wo is me."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"I've seen things."

Now for the grand finale: 

Tyler looks like he just eaten the most sour lemon on the face of this earth.

I just love my little nugget.  I really feel like our family is complete now that we have our two boys.

Five Random Thoughts

1.  You know how people used to pinch your cheeks when you were little?  If not, be ye thankful.  Well the other year (yes this thought has been a long time coming) I found myself pinching a child's cheeks.  And I've caught myself saying things like, "You are getting so big," and "I remember when you were just born."  People always said these things to me when I was little and I would just nod and think, "Like I haven't heard that before."  What does a child even say to that? "Well you're big too!"

Anyway, as I find myself saying the things I once hated, I've come to understand that I should never judge older people for their sayings.  Sometimes kids are hard to talk to, so you just say something to get the conversation started.  And sometimes the kids really do seem to have grown a foot since you last saw them.

So maybe when older people say things to me now, I'm just hearing what I'll be saying in ten years.

2.  Along with that, I feel like older people really DO have a much better grasp on life.  They are seeing things from the end of a journey.  Sort of like getting to the top of a mountain hike.  They can see the whole hike they've been on and know where the pitfalls are.  Whereas we are still on this hike, figuring it out as we go.

So the conclusion I've come to is that, these oldies, with their wider perspective want to comfort the youngsters with their knowledge and wisdom.  They tell us not to do certain things because we will regret it.  Or that we should cherish certain times, because it all goes by so fast.  And while they are most likely right, the fact of the matter is, young people don't care.  They, just like the oldies, must go through life in order to learn their own lessons.  I think the oldies just want to save us the pain they went through with their little gems of wisdom.  But we need to go through our own trials to learn for ourselves this wisdom.

I don't know what the solution is, should oldies just stop giving advice and just sit back and watch the struggle?  Or should they continue to shout out warnings down the hill, even though they won't be appreciated.

Maybe, we all just need to be sympathetic to people no matter what their stage in life.  Life sucks, no matter if you're five, fifteen, or fifty.  Maybe we should lend an ear instead of dishing out our wisdom.

I don't know, what do you think?

(Please excuse my callous use of the word "oldies", but...if you're older than me...you are an oldie, and if you're younger than me, you're a youngin.)

3.  Guys, I did this incredible drawing of Jack the other day.  I spent so long on it and it was in color (which is new for me) and it was so beautiful.  But then I took a break and went back to admire my masterpiece.  And I realized I had drawn Jack's evil twin.  I gave him demon eyes and everything.  What a waste of time and emotion.  What a waste.

4.  I'm loving this rain lately.  I think I get seasonal depression.  Just the opposite of normal.  When it's too sunny for too long, I just get bummed out.

5.  One thing I never expected from marriage was the role attraction plays.  I just assumed that the minute I got married my attraction towards any other man besides Chris would just shut off.  That is not the case.  You are still the same person.  I always read about how wives need to give their husbands slack for looking at other women.  How does the phrase go?  If you look once you're a man, if you look twice you're a...something negative.  Anyways, this phrase applies to both males and females.

I always hated how people would say that love is a choice.  How unromantic can you get?  But it's true, I choose everyday to love Chris.  I choose everyday to make Chris my one and only.  And I think the choosing is what really brings us closer together.  We invest so much in each other, and we do it consciously, and I think that makes us appreciate our love even more.


(The thoughts expressed in this blog post represent the views of the writer and may not apply to everyone.) Imagine that said very fast, like in the end of the commercial.