From a new play

This is a scene from a play I just finished a few days ago called Single and Looking.

 

(A laundromat.  TED is folding clothes at a table.  KRISTEN enters with a basket full of clothes and begins folding next to him.)
KRISTEN
Good to know I’m not the only one who does laundry at midnight.
TED
I was thinking the same thing.
KRISTEN
Seriously, I’m usually alone here.
TED
I’m surprised I’ve never seen you here before.
KRISTEN
Likewise.
(They share a smile and continue folding.)
Is it weird if I say you have excellent taste?
TED
What?
KRISTEN
Just, your clothes.
TED
Oh, yeah.  I mean, no it’s not weird.  And thanks.  It would be weird if I told you that.
(KRISTEN laughs.)
But you do, have great taste.
(Laughter.)
KRISTEN
It’s nice to see you’re comfortable enough to say that.
TED
Yeah, I bet you don’t see that every day.
KRISTEN
No, that’s for sure.
(She smiles and watches as he folds.)
TED
(Seeing a book amidst her clothes.)
Emma?
KRISTEN
No, I’m Kristen.
TED
I’m Ted.  But I meant your book.
KRISTEN
(Picking up the book.)
Oh.  Wow.  Yeah.
TED
(Laughing.)
Okay, I’m going to guess it’s for a class.
KRISTEN
What, you think I don’t read?
TED
No, I mean, it’s not that.
KRISTEN
Uh huh.
TED
Never mind.
KRISTEN
No no, you have to explain yourself.
TED
What?
KRISTEN
After that?
TED
Alright.  No, I just figured you were either assigned to read it or you were the type of girl who…takes Jane Austen to the laundromat.
KRISTEN
Strangely, I know exactly what you mean.
TED
Yes!
KRISTEN
And what if I am that type of girl?
TED
(Thinks.)
Then at least you didn’t bring Twilight to the laundromat.
KRISTEN
Let me guess, you’re one of those guys who mocks the Twilight books but you’ve actually read…how many of them?
TED
Just one and a half.
KRISTEN
Alright!
TED
I was curious.
KRISTEN
Sure.
TED
So, I’m wondering if I was wrong about Emma and I’ve horribly offended you.
KRISTEN
Because you implied that I wash my clothes at night, wishing I had something else to do, and drowning my sorrows in indulgent romantic novels?
TED
Wow.  You know, I can just finish up at that other table.
KRISTEN
Relax.  It’s for British literary history.
TED
Are you serious?
KRISTEN
That’s a relief, right?
TED
For sure.
(Smiles.)
Not that there’s anything wrong with, you know…
KRISTEN
…Any of that.
TED
Right.
KRISTEN
Of course.  My class is full of those girls.
(Beat.)
They’re great.
(TED laughs.)
Seriously.
TED
I believe it.
KRISTEN
But I guess I am alone at the laundromat at night, I’m not too far away from that whole thing.
TED
You’re not alone.
(Off her look.)
I mean…Yeah.
KRISTEN
(Smiles.  Pause.)
So, Ted.  
TED
So, Kristen.
KRISTEN
Ted with good fashion sense and a secret love of vampire novels.
TED
Stop it.
KRISTEN
Tell me about yourself.
TED
Um, I’m a starving student, like I imagine you are.
KRISTEN
You’re just making assumptions right and left.
TED
You already told me you were taking English 292.
KRISTEN
You know the number?
TED
I’m an English major.
KRISTEN
(Mocking gasp.)
Plot twist.
TED
Why’s that?
KRISTEN
You’re making fun of me for reading Emma?  At least I’m a girl.
TED
That is so sexist of you.
KRISTEN
That just kind of…came out.  I’m not sure why I said that.
TED
Uh huh.  Well, yeah, I’m a Twilight-reading, well-dressed English major.  Feel free to jump to any conclusions you like.
KRISTEN
Seriously, that was a stupid thing to say.
TED
What about you?
KRISTEN
Wait, I wasn’t finished.
TED
No?
KRISTEN
No.  You’re from…
TED
Oh, these questions.  I’m from Ohio.
KRISTEN
And you live nearby.
TED
No, I’m just a fan of this little establishment.
KRISTEN
Funny.
TED
Is that it?
KRISTEN
For now.
TED
Then how about you?
KRISTEN
I’m an English minor.  Social work major.  I live just right across the street.
TED
Didn’t your mother tell you not to give your address to strange men?
KRISTEN
Yes.
(Smiles.)
I’m from Colorado Springs.
TED
Cool.  Are you a mountain biker?
KRISTEN
…No.
TED
That’s just what I think of when I hear Colorado Springs.  I picture, like, a city full of people wearing spandex shorts…
KRISTEN
And helmets?
TED
Definitely helmets.
KRISTEN
Yeah, that’s it on the nose.  I didn’t really fit in.
TED
I imagine.
KRISTEN
So, Ohio.
TED
Yeah, there’s really not much more to say about it than that.
KRISTEN
I was trying to think of something.
TED
Yeah, no such luck.
(TED surveys her as she folds and chuckles to himself.)
KRISTEN
What?
TED
Nothing.
KRISTEN
Nothing.  Uh huh.
TED
Yeah, it’s never nothing.
KRISTEN
You don’t seem like the kind of guy who thinks about nothing.
TED
I don’t?
KRISTEN
An English major?  Of course not.
TED
I am pre-law, you know.
KRISTEN
Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.
TED
Just saying.
(Beat.)
I’d like to ask you out.
KRISTEN
What?
TED
That’s what I meant by “nothing.”
(Off her look.)
No, I mean, when I said nothing…
KRISTEN
Uh huh.  Just like that?
TED
Well, banter is very important to me.
KRISTEN
There’s definitely been banter.
TED
Yeah, and we could dress up for each other.
KRISTEN
We’d both like that.
TED
I mean, I’m not trying to be rash.
KRISTEN
No, it’s one of those do-or-die situations.  I understand, guys have it tough.
TED
I mean, we might bump into each other again.
KRISTEN
But we don’t want to risk it.
TED
I’m not usually so forward. But it’s late, I’m standing next to a beautiful girl folding my underwear…
(Laughs.)
KRISTEN
What would we do?
TED
What?
KRISTEN
If you took me out.  I mean, say I give you my number.  If this really is out of character you might not even work up the nerve to call.
TED
We could…go to the zoo.
KRISTEN
I’m intrigued.
TED
I don’t know.  Just popped into my head.
KRISTEN
I would like that.  I’d tell you all the facts I remember from the Zoobooks I used to get as a kid.
TED
I got that too!
KRISTEN
Really?
TED
Yeah, then I realized I don’t really like animals.
KRISTEN
Oh.
TED
But the zoo would be great.
KRISTEN
That’s sweet of you, to take me there.
TED
I’m off to a good start.
KRISTEN
Yeah.
TED
I would probably wait two days to call you.
KRISTEN
That’s pretty standard.
TED
But I would be nervous.
KRISTEN
That’s cute.  I would say yes though.  For a second date too, I mean, after the zoo.
TED
Really?
KRISTEN
Unless you were creepy.
TED
I’m not creepy.
KRISTEN
I didn’t think so.
TED
So, then what?
KRISTEN
You tell me.
TED
Well, we’d go out the next weekend.  Something more traditional this time.  Dinner and a movie.
KRISTEN
Hmm.
TED
I’d take you to a little pizza place and we’d see an indie film.
KRISTEN
Better.
TED
What’d you think it would be?  Transformers 2?
KRISTEN
You’re right, my mistake.  You know, I don’t really know anything about you.
TED
Well, ask me something.
KRISTEN
I don’t know.  It just seems a little rash, like you said, maybe.
TED
Maybe.  But I already know where you live.
(Regrets saying this immediately.)
Wow, that was…
KRISTEN
You said you’re not creepy.
TED
I wasn’t.  I mean, I’m not.  I was kidding…
(She laughs.)
Stupid joke.
KRISTEN
Yeah, I really don’t know about this now.
TED
Forget I said anything.  Wow.
(They fold in silence for a few moments.)
KRISTEN
Alright.  What if I just let that last bit slide?
TED
Look, I’m sorry I-
KRISTEN
No, it was only strike one.
TED
I guess that’s true.
KRISTEN
(Laughs.)
I live for awkward moments.  Like how you love banter.
TED
Those aren’t exactly compatible.
KRISTEN
With us they seem to be.
TED
True.
KRISTEN
You seem like you’d be a good…date.
TED
A good date?
KRISTEN
Well, I was going to say “a good boyfriend.”
TED
Woah…
KRISTEN
And that’s why I didn’t.
TED
Well, thank you.
KRISTEN
I just…think things through.
TED
Uh huh.
KRISTEN
Sorry, that was weird.
TED
No, I think most people do that.
KRISTEN
They’re just not stupid enough to verbalize…
TED
Your words, not mine.
(Beat.)
What makes you think that?
KRISTEN
You’re thoughtful.  And earnest.
TED
Earnest, wow.
KRISTEN
What?  Earnest is good.
TED
Sure, it’s great.
KRISTEN
You’re not oblivious.  That’s important.
TED
Hmmm.
KRISTEN
Like, how often do you buy flowers?
TED
Once a week.
KRISTEN
You answered that kind of fast.
TED
Yeah, I have a flowers-once-a-week rule.
KRISTEN
See, you even have a rule.  
TED
I mean, sometimes it’s just something small, you know?  A rose on your windshield one morning…
KRISTEN
I don’t have a car.
TED
In your bike helmet then.
(She smiles.)
Anyway.
KRISTEN
Right.  I actually love indie films.
TED
Good.
KRISTEN
I mean, I like a lot of them.  It’s stupid to say you like all of them.
TED
And kind of impossible.  Do you mind if I eat a lot of pizza?
KRISTEN
No.
TED
I mean, we’ll order a large and there won’t be any leftovers.
KRISTEN
I actually kind of pack the slices away.
TED
So we might go extra large.
KRISTEN
We might have to.
TED
I can live with that.
KRISTEN
We can be more low key, I mean after dinner and the movie.  I just don’t want to sound high maintenance, you know?  I’m okay with RedBox and take out.  Whatever.
TED
Especially on rainy days.
KRISTEN
Oh yeah, that’ll be nice.
TED
We could make dinner.  Do you cook?
KRISTEN
A little.  I’d make you my pesto chicken wraps.
TED
That sounds good.
KRISTEN
Do you like pesto or are you one of those people who pretends to like it because you feel like you should.
TED
No, I’m the real deal.
KRISTEN
Good, there’s a lot of pesto.  It’s not really great for your breath actually.
TED
It’s alright, though, because we’d both be eating it.
KRISTEN
Oh?
TED
I mean, we wouldn’t notice.
KRISTEN
Wouldn’t notice…when exactly?
TED
I just…Oh.  Right.  “When exactly,” yeah.
(She nods.)
Well, it would be, what, the third date?
KRISTEN
Yeah, maybe we should have something, uh, not quite as strong.
TED
Maybe.
KRISTEN
Are you worth it?
TED
What?
KRISTEN
Those wraps are good, so if we’re going to pass that up…
TED
Oh yeah, I’m a great kisser.  
(Beat.)
That’s what you’re asking, right?  You want me to show you?
KRISTEN
Slow down, we’re talking this out first.
TED
Is that what we’re doing?
KRISTEN
I like this, actually.  
TED
Yeah, I should have thought of this years ago.
KRISTEN
Could have avoided…a lot.
TED
Exactly.
KRISTEN
I’ll make stir fry, that’s safer.
TED
You’re already cooking for me, I like this.
KRISTEN
Yeah, and what’ll you bring to the table, mister?
TED
Oh, uh…I can fix your car.
KRISTEN
Really?
TED
Depending on what it is, yeah.  And I can help you with your homework for your lit class.
KRISTEN
Oh, awesome!
TED
Unless you and the hopeless romantics have a study group already.
KRISTEN
They’ll hate me too much to talk to me.
(Beat.  TED looks confused.)
Because of…you.
TED
Oh, right.
KRISTEN
And the flowers every week.
TED
Yeah, that too.  That’s worth cooking for, right?
KRISTEN
Probably.  Are you gonna play games, string me and a few other girls along for a few weeks?
TED
Of course not.
KRISTEN
Weighing your options, or however you describe that.
TED
No.
KRISTEN
Because I wouldn’t stand for that.
TED
I’m sure you wouldn’t.
KRISTEN
Not that we have to move too fast.
TED
How fast would we move?
KRISTEN
As fast as you want, I guess.
TED
Why as fast as I want?
KRISTEN
Because it’s probably slower than what I’d be looking for.
TED
Wow.
KRISTEN
I’m…kind of no nonsense.
TED
I guess so.
KRISTEN
So you’d set the pace.
(Beat.)
I mean, if we…
(Beat.)
You know.
TED
If it came to that.  So, what are we talking about here?  Like, how many kids do you want, where do you want to retire…
KRISTEN
That might be jumping the gun.
TED
But…talking it out.
KRISTEN
It was weird, I’m…kind of weird.  I guess you should know that about me, first off.
TED
I’m not worried about it.
KRISTEN
Really, you’re probably regretting you even brought it up.  Even mentioned going out.
TED
No.
KRISTEN
Because I wouldn’t blame you.  Geez, why am I being-
TED
I’d still love to go out with you.
KRISTEN
I’m just being paranoid.  I’ve been hurt before.
(Reacts to her own words.)
Hurt before?  Who is this woman talking?  Seriously, I’m not usually like this.
TED
I told you, it’s okay.
KRISTEN
Because you’re probably right, you’d be a great boyfriend.
TED
Uh, you’re the one who said that.
KRISTEN
Oh yeah, but really.
TED
I…couldn’t say.
KRISTEN
Of course you could.
TED
(Pause.)
What do you think would happen?  After the stir fry and the kiss.
KRISTEN
I guess we’d go out again.
TED
And the pressure would really be on.
KRISTEN
Let’s be honest, there’ll be pressure from the get-go.
TED
The way we’re talking now, yeah.
KRISTEN
I would say, a couple more weeks just keeping it casual.  As casual as we can…
TED
Then we’d…
KRISTEN
Make it all official.  I guess.
TED
You guess.
KRISTEN
Unless that’s too fast for you.
TED
I guess you underestimate me.
KRISTEN
So, then we’d be…
TED
Official.  I’d bring you a dozen roses the next day.
KRISTEN
Wow, the next day.  It kind of sounds like you’re a one trick pony.
TED
What, the flowers?
(KRISTEN nods.)
Okay, chocolate.
KRISTEN
Just full of surprises.
TED
I don’t know if I can handle this pressure.
KRISTEN
(Laughs.)
After that I could finally spend time with my non-single friends.
TED
We’d be a couple.
KRISTEN
Right.
TED
Sounds nice.
KRISTEN
It does.  Yeah.
(Pause.)
How long would it last?  You think.
TED
I…don’t think we can predict that.
KRISTEN
Well, we can’t really predict any of this.
TED
Look, you’re a cool girl.
KRISTEN
Likewise.  I mean, guy.
TED
Right.
KRISTEN
(Smiling.)
Sorry.
TED
I would be lucky to be with someone like you.
KRISTEN
So, a long time.
TED
Now we’re getting into the “how many kids” stuff…
KRISTEN
I’d be lucky to be with you.
TED
(Uncomfortable.)
Alright…
KRISTEN
Not many people can make me laugh, I’m serious.
TED
Well, I’m good for something.
KRISTEN
Let me know if I’m coming on too strong.
TED
It’s too late for that, I think.
KRISTEN
I mean, I’m not trying to get into anything too…far down the line.
(Waits a moment for a response.)
But since we’re being candid.
TED
I don’t know.
KRISTEN
Okay.
TED
We can’t know.  Something like that.
KRISTEN
You’re right.
TED
I mean it’s fun to imagine, or pretend we know, whatever.
KRISTEN
Right.
TED
But maybe we should start with a date.  I’ll ask you on a date.
KRISTEN
If you still want to.
TED
Of course I do.
KRISTEN
Wow, after all that.  You are a keeper.
TED
Stop…
KRISTEN
Are you sure?
(She smiles but he is pensive and says nothing.)
A quick “yes” would be nice.
TED
What?
KRISTEN
I said…
(She looks at him inquisitively.)
TED
I guess one date doesn’t do any good if I…
KRISTEN
What are you talking about?
TED
Maybe you don’t want to be with me.
KRISTEN
Come on.
TED
Finish talking it out.
KRISTEN
It was stupid.
(Pause.)
Umm…one month anniversary.
TED
We’d go back to where we had our first date.
KRISTEN
Really?  Already?
TED
What do you mean?
KRISTEN
I mean, it’s just the one month.
TED
One month is a long time.
KRISTEN
…Okay.
TED
Keep going.
KRISTEN
I donno, I guess it kind of plateaus after that.
TED
Already?
KRISTEN
Eventually we’d, I donno, move in together, get engaged…But I’m jumping the gun.
TED
You think so?
KRISTEN
Well, obviously.
TED
See, I…don’t do plateaus.  I would…
(Reconsiders.)
Forget it.
KRISTEN
What?
TED
I don’t see it getting that far.
KRISTEN
You mean the…I was only saying because you-
TED
I know.  But I mean, no matter what.
KRISTEN
No matter what…
TED
This was a bad idea.
KRISTEN
I’m just asking-
TED
I mean I don’t see moving in together, I don’t see engagement, marriage, any of that.  But that’s no surprise, a man with commitment issues, yeah?
KRISTEN
Okay, I feel stupid.  I wasn’t serious about all that.
TED
But you were, you wanted to be.  And if that’s all it was, I’d say sure.  You know, let’s see if it does get that far.  But I can’t even…When I say one month anniversary-
KRISTEN
It was crazy.  Like you said, let’s start with just a date.
TED
No, let’s talk it through.  A month’ll go by and we’ll go back to our first date.  Oh yeah, the zoo.  That’ll be depressing.  And I’ll wonder how it all went to hell this fast again.  And I’ll realize all of a sudden, you know, in the reptile house or whatever that you’re not enough for me, that no one can be, that it was stupid for me to even think one person could be enough.  And that’ll be it.  I mean, it’ll drag on a couple more weeks probably.
KRISTEN
(Pause.)
Drag on?
TED
Bad choice of words.
KRISTEN
(Pause.)
I didn’t mean we had to figure everything out right now.  
TED
I know.
KRISTEN
It was just fun.
TED
No, it’s…Maybe I won’t fool myself for once.
(Long pause as they finish folding their laundry.)
Thanks for, uh…talking.
KRISTEN
I guess you won’t be needing my number.
TED
It’s my, um, good deed of the day.
(Gathers his clothes and moves to exit.)
I guess we might run into each other.
KRISTEN
(Gathering up her clothes.)
Could be.
TED
I didn’t mean to-
KRISTEN
No.
(Beat.)
You’re…fine.
(Moves to exit.)
TED
I’ll walk you across the street.
(They exit as the lights fade.)

 

III. LAUNDROMAT

 

(A laundromat.  TED is folding clothes at a table.  KRISTEN enters with a basket full of clothes and begins folding next to him.)

KRISTEN

Good to know I’m not the only one who does laundry at midnight.

TED

I was thinking the same thing.

KRISTEN

Seriously, I’m usually alone here.

TED

I’m surprised I’ve never seen you here before.

KRISTEN

Likewise.

(They share a smile and continue folding.)

Is it weird if I say you have excellent taste?

TED

What?

KRISTEN

Just, your clothes.

TED

Oh, yeah.  I mean, no it’s not weird.  And thanks.  It would be weird if I told you that.

(KRISTEN laughs.)

But you do, have great taste.

(Laughter.)

KRISTEN

It’s nice to see you’re comfortable enough to say that.

TED

Yeah, I bet you don’t see that every day.

KRISTEN

No, that’s for sure.

(She smiles and watches as he folds.)

TED

(Seeing a book amidst her clothes.)

Emma?

KRISTEN

No, I’m Kristen.

TED

I’m Ted.  But I meant your book.

KRISTEN

(Picking up the book.)

Oh.  Wow.  Yeah.

TED

(Laughing.)

Okay, I’m going to guess it’s for a class.

KRISTEN

What, you think I don’t read?

TED

No, I mean, it’s not that.

KRISTEN

Uh huh.

TED

Never mind.

KRISTEN

No no, you have to explain yourself.

TED

What?

KRISTEN

After that?

TED

Alright.  No, I just figured you were either assigned to read it or you were the type of girl who…takes Jane Austen to the laundromat.

KRISTEN

Strangely, I know exactly what you mean.

TED

Yes!

KRISTEN

And what if I am that type of girl?

TED

(Thinks.)

Then at least you didn’t bring Twilight to the laundromat.

KRISTEN

Let me guess, you’re one of those guys who mocks the Twilight books but you’ve actually read…how many of them?

TED

Just one and a half.

KRISTEN

Alright!

TED

I was curious.

KRISTEN

Sure.

TED

So, I’m wondering if I was wrong about Emma and I’ve horribly offended you.

KRISTEN

Because you implied that I wash my clothes at night, wishing I had something else to do, and drowning my sorrows in indulgent romantic novels?

TED

Wow.  You know, I can just finish up at that other table.

KRISTEN

Relax.  It’s for British literary history.

TED

Are you serious?

KRISTEN

That’s a relief, right?

TED

For sure.

(Smiles.)

Not that there’s anything wrong with, you know…

KRISTEN

…Any of that.

TED

Right.

KRISTEN

Of course.  My class is full of those girls.

(Beat.)

They’re great.

(TED laughs.)

Seriously.

TED

I believe it.

KRISTEN

But I guess I am alone at the laundromat at night, I’m not too far away from that whole thing.

TED

You’re not alone.

(Off her look.)

I mean…Yeah.

KRISTEN

(Smiles.  Pause.)

So, Ted.  

TED

So, Kristen.

KRISTEN

Ted with good fashion sense and a secret love of vampire novels.

TED

Stop it.

KRISTEN

Tell me about yourself.

TED

Um, I’m a starving student, like I imagine you are.

KRISTEN

You’re just making assumptions right and left.

TED

You already told me you were taking English 292.

KRISTEN

You know the number?

TED

I’m an English major.

KRISTEN

(Mocking gasp.)

Plot twist.

TED

Why’s that?

KRISTEN

You’re making fun of me for reading Emma?  At least I’m a girl.

TED

That is so sexist of you.

KRISTEN

That just kind of…came out.  I’m not sure why I said that.

TED

Uh huh.  Well, yeah, I’m a Twilight-reading, well-dressed English major.  Feel free to jump to any conclusions you like.

KRISTEN

Seriously, that was a stupid thing to say.

TED

What about you?

KRISTEN

Wait, I wasn’t finished.

TED

No?

KRISTEN

No.  You’re from…

TED

Oh, these questions.  I’m from Ohio.

KRISTEN

And you live nearby.

TED

No, I’m just a fan of this little establishment.

KRISTEN

Funny.

TED

Is that it?

KRISTEN

For now.

TED

Then how about you?

KRISTEN

I’m an English minor.  Social work major.  I live just right across the street.

TED

Didn’t your mother tell you not to give your address to strange men?

KRISTEN

Yes.

(Smiles.)

I’m from Colorado Springs.

TED

Cool.  Are you a mountain biker?

KRISTEN

…No.

TED

That’s just what I think of when I hear Colorado Springs.  I picture, like, a city full of people wearing spandex shorts…

KRISTEN

And helmets?

TED

Definitely helmets.

KRISTEN

Yeah, that’s it on the nose.  I didn’t really fit in.

TED

I imagine.

KRISTEN

So, Ohio.

TED

Yeah, there’s really not much more to say about it than that.

KRISTEN

I was trying to think of something.

TED

Yeah, no such luck.

(TED surveys her as she folds and chuckles to himself.)

KRISTEN

What?

TED

Nothing.

KRISTEN

Nothing.  Uh huh.

TED

Yeah, it’s never nothing.

KRISTEN

You don’t seem like the kind of guy who thinks about nothing.

TED

I don’t?

KRISTEN

An English major?  Of course not.

TED

I am pre-law, you know.

KRISTEN

Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.

TED

Just saying.

(Beat.)

I’d like to ask you out.

KRISTEN

What?

TED

That’s what I meant by “nothing.”

(Off her look.)

No, I mean, when I said nothing…

KRISTEN

Uh huh.  Just like that?

TED

Well, banter is very important to me.

KRISTEN

There’s definitely been banter.

TED

Yeah, and we could dress up for each other.

KRISTEN

We’d both like that.

TED

I mean, I’m not trying to be rash.

KRISTEN

No, it’s one of those do-or-die situations.  I understand, guys have it tough.

TED

I mean, we might bump into each other again.

KRISTEN

But we don’t want to risk it.

TED

I’m not usually so forward. But it’s late, I’m standing next to a beautiful girl folding my underwear…

(Laughs.)

KRISTEN

What would we do?

TED

What?

KRISTEN

If you took me out.  I mean, say I give you my number.  If this really is out of character you might not even work up the nerve to call.

TED

We could…go to the zoo.

KRISTEN

I’m intrigued.

TED

I don’t know.  Just popped into my head.

KRISTEN

I would like that.  I’d tell you all the facts I remember from the Zoobooks I used to get as a kid.

TED

I got that too!

KRISTEN

Really?

TED

Yeah, then I realized I don’t really like animals.

KRISTEN

Oh.

TED

But the zoo would be great.

KRISTEN

That’s sweet of you, to take me there.

TED

I’m off to a good start.

KRISTEN

Yeah.

TED

I would probably wait two days to call you.

KRISTEN

That’s pretty standard.

TED

But I would be nervous.

KRISTEN

That’s cute.  I would say yes though.  For a second date too, I mean, after the zoo.

TED

Really?

KRISTEN

Unless you were creepy.

TED

I’m not creepy.

KRISTEN

I didn’t think so.

TED

So, then what?

KRISTEN

You tell me.

TED

Well, we’d go out the next weekend.  Something more traditional this time.  Dinner and a movie.

KRISTEN

Hmm.

TED

I’d take you to a little pizza place and we’d see an indie film.

KRISTEN

Better.

TED

What’d you think it would be?  Transformers 2?

KRISTEN

You’re right, my mistake.  You know, I don’t really know anything about you.

TED

Well, ask me something.

KRISTEN

I don’t know.  It just seems a little rash, like you said, maybe.

TED

Maybe.  But I already know where you live.

(Regrets saying this immediately.)

Wow, that was…

KRISTEN

You said you’re not creepy.

TED

I wasn’t.  I mean, I’m not.  I was kidding…

(She laughs.)

Stupid joke.

KRISTEN

Yeah, I really don’t know about this now.

TED

Forget I said anything.  Wow.

(They fold in silence for a few moments.)

KRISTEN

Alright.  What if I just let that last bit slide?

TED

Look, I’m sorry I-

KRISTEN

No, it was only strike one.

TED

I guess that’s true.

KRISTEN

(Laughs.)

I live for awkward moments.  Like how you love banter.

TED

Those aren’t exactly compatible.

KRISTEN

With us they seem to be.

TED

True.

KRISTEN

You seem like you’d be a good…date.

TED

A good date?

KRISTEN

Well, I was going to say “a good boyfriend.”

TED

Woah…

KRISTEN

And that’s why I didn’t.

TED

Well, thank you.

KRISTEN

I just…think things through.

TED

Uh huh.

KRISTEN

Sorry, that was weird.

TED

No, I think most people do that.

KRISTEN

They’re just not stupid enough to verbalize…

TED

Your words, not mine.

(Beat.)

What makes you think that?

KRISTEN

You’re thoughtful.  And earnest.

TED

Earnest, wow.

KRISTEN

What?  Earnest is good.

TED

Sure, it’s great.

KRISTEN

You’re not oblivious.  That’s important.

TED

Hmmm.

KRISTEN

Like, how often do you buy flowers?

TED

Once a week.

KRISTEN

You answered that kind of fast.

TED

Yeah, I have a flowers-once-a-week rule.

KRISTEN

See, you even have a rule.  

TED

I mean, sometimes it’s just something small, you know?  A rose on your windshield one morning…

KRISTEN

I don’t have a car.

TED

In your bike helmet then.

(She smiles.)

Anyway.

KRISTEN

Right.  I actually love indie films.

TED

Good.

KRISTEN

I mean, I like a lot of them.  It’s stupid to say you like all of them.

TED

And kind of impossible.  Do you mind if I eat a lot of pizza?

KRISTEN

No.

TED

I mean, we’ll order a large and there won’t be any leftovers.

KRISTEN

I actually kind of pack the slices away.

TED

So we might go extra large.

KRISTEN

We might have to.

TED

I can live with that.

KRISTEN

We can be more low key, I mean after dinner and the movie.  I just don’t want to sound high maintenance, you know?  I’m okay with RedBox and take out.  Whatever.

TED

Especially on rainy days.

KRISTEN

Oh yeah, that’ll be nice.

TED

We could make dinner.  Do you cook?

KRISTEN

A little.  I’d make you my pesto chicken wraps.

TED

That sounds good.

KRISTEN

Do you like pesto or are you one of those people who pretends to like it because you feel like you should.

TED

No, I’m the real deal.

KRISTEN

Good, there’s a lot of pesto.  It’s not really great for your breath actually.

TED

It’s alright, though, because we’d both be eating it.

KRISTEN

Oh?

TED

I mean, we wouldn’t notice.

KRISTEN

Wouldn’t notice…when exactly?

TED

I just…Oh.  Right.  “When exactly,” yeah.

(She nods.)

Well, it would be, what, the third date?

KRISTEN

Yeah, maybe we should have something, uh, not quite as strong.

TED

Maybe.

KRISTEN

Are you worth it?

TED

What?

KRISTEN

Those wraps are good, so if we’re going to pass that up…

TED

Oh yeah, I’m a great kisser.  

(Beat.)

That’s what you’re asking, right?  You want me to show you?

KRISTEN

Slow down, we’re talking this out first.

TED

Is that what we’re doing?

KRISTEN

I like this, actually.  

TED

Yeah, I should have thought of this years ago.

KRISTEN

Could have avoided…a lot.

TED

Exactly.

KRISTEN

I’ll make stir fry, that’s safer.

TED

You’re already cooking for me, I like this.

KRISTEN

Yeah, and what’ll you bring to the table, mister?

TED

Oh, uh…I can fix your car.

KRISTEN

Really?

TED

Depending on what it is, yeah.  And I can help you with your homework for your lit class.

KRISTEN

Oh, awesome!

TED

Unless you and the hopeless romantics have a study group already.

KRISTEN

They’ll hate me too much to talk to me.

(Beat.  TED looks confused.)

Because of…you.

TED

Oh, right.

KRISTEN

And the flowers every week.

TED

Yeah, that too.  That’s worth cooking for, right?

KRISTEN

Probably.  Are you gonna play games, string me and a few other girls along for a few weeks?

TED

Of course not.

KRISTEN

Weighing your options, or however you describe that.

TED

No.

KRISTEN

Because I wouldn’t stand for that.

TED

I’m sure you wouldn’t.

KRISTEN

Not that we have to move too fast.

TED

How fast would we move?

KRISTEN

As fast as you want, I guess.

TED

Why as fast as I want?

KRISTEN

Because it’s probably slower than what I’d be looking for.

TED

Wow.

KRISTEN

I’m…kind of no nonsense.

TED

I guess so.

KRISTEN

So you’d set the pace.

(Beat.)

I mean, if we…

(Beat.)

You know.

TED

If it came to that.  So, what are we talking about here?  Like, how many kids do you want, where do you want to retire…

KRISTEN

That might be jumping the gun.

TED

But…talking it out.

KRISTEN

It was weird, I’m…kind of weird.  I guess you should know that about me, first off.

TED

I’m not worried about it.

KRISTEN

Really, you’re probably regretting you even brought it up.  Even mentioned going out.

TED

No.

KRISTEN

Because I wouldn’t blame you.  Geez, why am I being-

TED

I’d still love to go out with you.

KRISTEN

I’m just being paranoid.  I’ve been hurt before.

(Reacts to her own words.)

Hurt before?  Who is this woman talking?  Seriously, I’m not usually like this.

TED

I told you, it’s okay.

KRISTEN

Because you’re probably right, you’d be a great boyfriend.

TED

Uh, you’re the one who said that.

KRISTEN

Oh yeah, but really.

TED

I…couldn’t say.

KRISTEN

Of course you could.

TED

(Pause.)

What do you think would happen?  After the stir fry and the kiss.

KRISTEN

I guess we’d go out again.

TED

And the pressure would really be on.

KRISTEN

Let’s be honest, there’ll be pressure from the get-go.

TED

The way we’re talking now, yeah.

KRISTEN

I would say, a couple more weeks just keeping it casual.  As casual as we can…

TED

Then we’d…

KRISTEN

Make it all official.  I guess.

TED

You guess.

KRISTEN

Unless that’s too fast for you.

TED

I guess you underestimate me.

KRISTEN

So, then we’d be…

TED

Official.  I’d bring you a dozen roses the next day.

KRISTEN

Wow, the next day.  It kind of sounds like you’re a one trick pony.

TED

What, the flowers?

(KRISTEN nods.)

Okay, chocolate.

KRISTEN

Just full of surprises.

TED

I don’t know if I can handle this pressure.

KRISTEN

(Laughs.)

After that I could finally spend time with my non-single friends.

TED

We’d be a couple.

KRISTEN

Right.

TED

Sounds nice.

KRISTEN

It does.  Yeah.

(Pause.)

How long would it last?  You think.

TED

I…don’t think we can predict that.

KRISTEN

Well, we can’t really predict any of this.

TED

Look, you’re a cool girl.

KRISTEN

Likewise.  I mean, guy.

TED

Right.

KRISTEN

(Smiling.)

Sorry.

TED

I would be lucky to be with someone like you.

KRISTEN

So, a long time.

TED

Now we’re getting into the “how many kids” stuff…

KRISTEN

I’d be lucky to be with you.

TED

(Uncomfortable.)

Alright…

KRISTEN

Not many people can make me laugh, I’m serious.

TED

Well, I’m good for something.

KRISTEN

Let me know if I’m coming on too strong.

TED

It’s too late for that, I think.

KRISTEN

I mean, I’m not trying to get into anything too…far down the line.

(Waits a moment for a response.)

But since we’re being candid.

TED

I don’t know.

KRISTEN

Okay.

TED

We can’t know.  Something like that.

KRISTEN

You’re right.

TED

I mean it’s fun to imagine, or pretend we know, whatever.

KRISTEN

Right.

TED

But maybe we should start with a date.  I’ll ask you on a date.

KRISTEN

If you still want to.

TED

Of course I do.

KRISTEN

Wow, after all that.  You are a keeper.

TED

Stop…

KRISTEN

Are you sure?

(She smiles but he is pensive and says nothing.)

A quick “yes” would be nice.

TED

What?

KRISTEN

I said…

(She looks at him inquisitively.)

TED

I guess one date doesn’t do any good if I…

KRISTEN

What are you talking about?

TED

Maybe you don’t want to be with me.

KRISTEN

Come on.

TED

Finish talking it out.

KRISTEN

It was stupid.

(Pause.)

Umm…one month anniversary.

TED

We’d go back to where we had our first date.

KRISTEN

Really?  Already?

TED

What do you mean?

KRISTEN

I mean, it’s just the one month.

TED

One month is a long time.

KRISTEN

…Okay.

TED

Keep going.

KRISTEN

I donno, I guess it kind of plateaus after that.

TED

Already?

KRISTEN

Eventually we’d, I donno, move in together, get engaged…But I’m jumping the gun.

TED

You think so?

KRISTEN

Well, obviously.

TED

See, I…don’t do plateaus.  I would…

(Reconsiders.)

Forget it.

KRISTEN

What?

TED

I don’t see it getting that far.

KRISTEN

You mean the…I was only saying because you-

TED

I know.  But I mean, no matter what.

KRISTEN

No matter what…

TED

This was a bad idea.

KRISTEN

I’m just asking-

TED

I mean I don’t see moving in together, I don’t see engagement, marriage, any of that.  But that’s no surprise, a man with commitment issues, yeah?

KRISTEN

Okay, I feel stupid.  I wasn’t serious about all that.

TED

But you were, you wanted to be.  And if that’s all it was, I’d say sure.  You know, let’s see if it does get that far.  But I can’t even…When I say one month anniversary-

KRISTEN

It was crazy.  Like you said, let’s start with just a date.

TED

No, let’s talk it through.  A month’ll go by and we’ll go back to our first date.  Oh yeah, the zoo.  That’ll be depressing.  And I’ll wonder how it all went to hell this fast again.  And I’ll realize all of a sudden, you know, in the reptile house or whatever that you’re not enough for me, that no one can be, that it was stupid for me to even think one person could be enough.  And that’ll be it.  I mean, it’ll drag on a couple more weeks probably.

KRISTEN

(Pause.)

Drag on?

TED

Bad choice of words.

KRISTEN

(Pause.)

I didn’t mean we had to figure everything out right now.  

TED

I know.

KRISTEN

It was just fun.

TED

No, it’s…Maybe I won’t fool myself for once.

(Long pause as they finish folding their laundry.)

Thanks for, uh…talking.

KRISTEN

I guess you won’t be needing my number.

TED

It’s my, um, good deed of the day.

(Gathers his clothes and moves to exit.)

I guess we might run into each other.

KRISTEN

(Gathering up her clothes.)

Could be.

TED

I didn’t mean to-

KRISTEN

No.

(Beat.)

You’re…fine.

(Moves to exit.)

TED

I’ll walk you across the street.

(They exit as the lights fade.)

Published in: on July 16, 2009 at 1:04 AM  Comments (1)  
Tags: ,

One that may never see a stage…

…At least I don’t foresee any situation in which it would be produced.  It was mostly for myself anyway.  For those of you who know me, you know this play is pretty autobiographical and, yes, this kind of conversation happened many, many times.  I don’t like that this play is very much a for-Mormons-by-Mormons deal, but it’s one of not very many like it.  At least in the stuff I do.  If you don’t “get” Mormons, you might not get the play.  But we’ll see…

WITH HONOR

(SCOTT and SISTER FINN sit in silence on a couch in the church foyer.  SISTER FINN looks as if she wants to talk to SCOTT and moves to start speaking several times, backing off each time.  Finally she gets up the nerve to speak.)
SISTER FINN
It’s very nice to see you.
SCOTT
Oh, yeah.  You too.
SISTER FINN
Are you waiting for…
SCOTT
My mom.  I’m her ride so…
SISTER FINN
Hmmm.
(She is unsatisfied but doesn’t know what else to say.  Silence again.  After a moment, she speaks again.)
It’s been quite a while.
SCOTT
Quite a while.
SISTER FINN
I’m just waiting for Jamie to be done.  She’s in a meeting.  Laurel president.
SCOTT
Oh.  Cool.
SISTER FINN
How was it?
SCOTT
Huh?
SISTER FINN
Argentina.  That’s where you…
SCOTT
Oh, yeah.  Great.  Just great, you know?
SISTER FINN
Oh, I bet it was.
(Silence again.)
So, yeah.  A really long time.  What, like nineteen months?
SCOTT
(Pauses, takes a breath, considering how to respond.)
Just under twenty months, yeah.
SISTER FINN
Twenty months.  You know, that’s wonderful.  Andrew’s been out about twenty months now.
SCOTT
Yeah, we left the same month.
SISTER FINN
You did.  I remember that.  He’ll be home soon too.  Just a few more months.
SCOTT
That must be exciting.
SISTER FINN
Yes.
(Beat.)
Four.  Four months, he’ll be home.
SCOTT
(Suddenly.)
Yeah, I know.  Is there something you want to say?
SISTER FINN
What?  Oh, no no, just making conversation.
SCOTT
Just…
SISTER FINN
(Hurt.)
I didn’t mean to offend you.
SCOTT
(Regretfully.)
No, I’m sorry.  You know, I’m just gonna wait in the car.
(Rises and grabs a cane from nearby and begins to walk with its assistance to exit.  SISTER FINN sees this and sighs with relief.)
SISTER FINN
Oh!  Your leg!
SCOTT
(Puzzled.)
My knee, yes.
SISTER FINN
(Almost giddy with relief.)
You hurt your knee.
(Chuckles.)
I’m so sorry.  You know, I thought you were…Oh, so silly.
(Low, conspiratorially.)
I thought you were just…home early.
SCOTT
Well, I am.
SISTER FINN
Yes, but with this.  How did you hurt it?
SCOTT
Fornicating with an Argentine prostitute.
(SISTER FINN looks as if she’s been slapped.  She is unable to speak and can’t decide if this was serious or not.  SCOTT rolls his eyes.)
I took a nasty fall playing basketball on P-day.  Tore my ACL.
SISTER FINN
(Still reeling.)
Oh, I am so sorry.  Does it hurt?
SCOTT
Yes.
SISTER FINN
Hmmmm.
SCOTT
So, you thought…
SISTER FINN
No, I didn’t think that.  I mean, it’s always a possibility and obviously it’s not up to me to judge.
SCOTT
Obviously.
SISTER FINN
I knew you would never get sent home.
SCOTT
But you thought I was.
SISTER FINN
No.  No, now you’re putting words in my mouth.
SCOTT
I didn’t put any-
SISTER FINN
You know, this is just silly.
(Pause.)
So, what’s going to happen?
SCOTT
With this?  I’m getting surgery next week.
SISTER FINN
Good, take care of it early.  Then are you going back out?
SCOTT
It’s possible.  I have a couple months of recuperation and, well, nothing’s for sure.
SISTER FINN
Oh, but they want you to go back out, don’t they?
SCOTT
I guess.  But no one’s making any promises.
SISTER FINN
So you just have to wait and see.
SCOTT
That’s the situation.
SISTER FINN
Have you gotten a blessing?
SCOTT
Several.
SISTER FINN
Well, it’ll be fine then.
(Beat.)
You know, I remember this story about…oh, I forget the name.  One of the Apostles, back in the early days.  He went on a mission and got sick.  You know, so sick he couldn’t move.  And he got a letter from the church that said he had to come home.
(With growing intensity.)
And he read that letter, and he got up out of bed, and he got dressed and started walking again.  That faith, can you imagine that faith?  He finished up his mission and came home with honor.
(Beat.)
I love that story.
SCOTT
(Pause.)
Who was that?
SISTER FINN
You know, maybe it was a Seventy.  I just don’t remember.  I got it in an email somewhere.
SCOTT
Hmmm.  Yeah, well, thank you for that.
SISTER FINN
Not that that…applies to this.  I just remembered…
SCOTT
How’s Andrew doing?
SISTER FINN
Oh, he’s wonderful.  He is so excited to come home and we miss him so much.  Every letter he sends home has something in there about who he wants to ask out or what he wants for his first dinner at home.
SCOTT
Really.
SISTER FINN
Well, when you only have four months left…Well, you know how it is.
SCOTT
I guess.
SISTER FINN
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about this.  So, what happened with the knee?
SCOTT
I tore a tendon.
SISTER FINN
Right.  Awful.  I sure hope they let you go back out.  It’s the least they can do.
SCOTT
Who?  What do you mean?
SISTER FINN
Well, that’s your mission.  You have a right to those four months, don’t you think?
SCOTT
It would be nice.
SISTER FINN
They’ve gotta let you finish, and have a homecoming, and…you know.
SCOTT
That’s really not what I’m worried about right now…
SISTER FINN
No?  Well, good.  Don’t think about the end when you’ve got more to go, right?  Think about the now.
SCOTT
Well, this might be the end.
SISTER FINN
No.  No, don’t you say that at all.
SCOTT
Well…
SISTER FINN
You have those four months.  You work for those.
SCOTT
Right…
SISTER FINN
Waiting is no fun.
SCOTT
I know.  I mean, I feel like if I had any idea when it would be over, you know?
SISTER FINN
And this is the longest Laurel presidency meeting I have ever heard of.
(Beat.)
Jamie is the Laurel class president.
SCOTT
Yeah.
(Pause.)
What if she didn’t come out?  Of the meeting?
SISTER FINN
What’s that?
SCOTT
I don’t mean, like, something happened to her.  But, you know.  She got a ride with someone else and you missed her.
SISTER FINN
I think I’ve been watching closely.
SCOTT
But how long would you wait?
SISTER FINN
Well, I trust her, so I would wait as long as it took.
(Beat.  Reassuringly.)
I’m sure your mom is fine.
SCOTT
What?  Oh, yeah.
SISTER FINN
How is that family that you were writing your mom about?  With the baby girl?
SCOTT
Oh, they’re doing well.  Well, they were last week.  Geez, I hope they went to church today.  We were gonna mark their baptism this week, you know?  And they’re pretty excited.
SISTER FINN
It’s a good thing you didn’t break your knee a month ago, right?
SCOTT
I didn’t break it.
(Beat.)
Wait, why?
SISTER FINN
Your mom said you found them a few weeks ago.
SCOTT
…Yeah.
SISTER FINN
So it’s a good thing you were there, don’t you think?
SCOTT
(Thinking.)
I guess so.  I mean, someone would have found them.
SISTER FINN
Well, you never know.
SCOTT
Huh.
SISTER FINN
(Pause.)
Do you think I missed her?  I might have been talking to you when she-
SCOTT
No, I was just…I think she’ll be right out.
SISTER FINN
Good.  We have a potluck to get to.
SCOTT
Yeah.  I mean, you could check, I guess.
SISTER FINN
No, I’ll wait a little longer.
SCOTT
Yeah.
(They wait in a comfortable silence for a few moments as the lights fade.)

(SCOTT and SISTER FINN sit in silence on a couch in the church foyer.  SISTER FINN looks as if she wants to talk to SCOTT and moves to start speaking several times, backing off each time.  Finally she gets up the nerve to speak.)

SISTER FINN

It’s very nice to see you.

SCOTT

Oh, yeah.  You too.

SISTER FINN

Are you waiting for…

SCOTT

My mom.  I’m her ride so…

SISTER FINN

Hmmm.

(She is unsatisfied but doesn’t know what else to say.  Silence again.  After a moment, she speaks again.)

It’s been quite a while.

SCOTT

Quite a while.

SISTER FINN

I’m just waiting for Jamie to be done.  She’s in a meeting.  Laurel president.

SCOTT

Oh.  Cool.

SISTER FINN

How was it?

SCOTT

Huh?

SISTER FINN

Argentina.  That’s where you…

SCOTT

Oh, yeah.  Great.  Just great, you know?

SISTER FINN

Oh, I bet it was.

(Silence again.)

So, yeah.  A really long time.  What, like nineteen months?

SCOTT

(Pauses, takes a breath, considering how to respond.)

Just under twenty months, yeah.

SISTER FINN

Twenty months.  You know, that’s wonderful.  Andrew’s been out about twenty months now.

SCOTT

Yeah, we left the same month.

SISTER FINN

You did.  I remember that.  He’ll be home soon too.  Just a few more months.

SCOTT

That must be exciting.

SISTER FINN

Yes.

(Beat.)

Four.  Four months, he’ll be home.

SCOTT

(Suddenly.)

Yeah, I know.  Is there something you want to say?

SISTER FINN

What?  Oh, no no, just making conversation.

SCOTT

Just…

SISTER FINN

(Hurt.)

I didn’t mean to offend you.

SCOTT

(Regretfully.)

No, I’m sorry.  You know, I’m just gonna wait in the car.

(Rises and grabs a cane from nearby and begins to walk with its assistance to exit.  SISTER FINN sees this and sighs with relief.)

SISTER FINN

Oh!  Your leg!

SCOTT

(Puzzled.)

My knee, yes.

SISTER FINN

(Almost giddy with relief.)

You hurt your knee.

(Chuckles.)

I’m so sorry.  You know, I thought you were…Oh, so silly.

(Low, conspiratorially.)

I thought you were just…home early.

SCOTT

Well, I am.

SISTER FINN

Yes, but with this.  How did you hurt it?

SCOTT

Fornicating with an Argentine prostitute.

(SISTER FINN looks as if she’s been slapped.  She is unable to speak and can’t decide if this was serious or not.  SCOTT rolls his eyes.)

I took a nasty fall playing basketball on P-day.  Tore my ACL.

SISTER FINN

(Still reeling.)

Oh, I am so sorry.  Does it hurt?

SCOTT

Yes.

SISTER FINN

Hmmmm.

SCOTT

So, you thought…

SISTER FINN

No, I didn’t think that.  I mean, it’s always a possibility and obviously it’s not up to me to judge.

SCOTT

Obviously.

SISTER FINN

I knew you would never get sent home.

SCOTT

But you thought I was.

SISTER FINN

No.  No, now you’re putting words in my mouth.

SCOTT

I didn’t put any-

SISTER FINN

You know, this is just silly.

(Pause.)

So, what’s going to happen?

SCOTT

With this?  I’m getting surgery next week.

SISTER FINN

Good, take care of it early.  Then are you going back out?

SCOTT

It’s possible.  I have a couple months of recuperation and, well, nothing’s for sure.

SISTER FINN

Oh, but they want you to go back out, don’t they?

SCOTT

I guess.  But no one’s making any promises.

SISTER FINN

So you just have to wait and see.

SCOTT

That’s the situation.

SISTER FINN

Have you gotten a blessing?

SCOTT

Several.

SISTER FINN

Well, it’ll be fine then.

(Beat.)

You know, I remember this story about…oh, I forget the name.  One of the Apostles, back in the early days.  He went on a mission and got sick.  You know, so sick he couldn’t move.  And he got a letter from the church that said he had to come home.

(With growing intensity.)

And he read that letter, and he got up out of bed, and he got dressed and started walking again.  That faith, can you imagine that faith?  He finished up his mission and came home with honor.

(Beat.)

I love that story.

SCOTT

(Pause.)

Who was that?

SISTER FINN

You know, maybe it was a Seventy.  I just don’t remember.  I got it in an email somewhere.

SCOTT

Hmmm.  Yeah, well, thank you for that.

SISTER FINN

Not that that…applies to this.  I just remembered…

SCOTT

How’s Andrew doing?

SISTER FINN

Oh, he’s wonderful.  He is so excited to come home and we miss him so much.  Every letter he sends home has something in there about who he wants to ask out or what he wants for his first dinner at home.

SCOTT

Really.

SISTER FINN

Well, when you only have four months left…Well, you know how it is.

SCOTT

I guess.

SISTER FINN

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about this.  So, what happened with the knee?

SCOTT

I tore a tendon.

SISTER FINN

Right.  Awful.  I sure hope they let you go back out.  It’s the least they can do.

SCOTT

Who?  What do you mean?

SISTER FINN

Well, that’s your mission.  You have a right to those four months, don’t you think?

SCOTT

It would be nice.

SISTER FINN

They’ve gotta let you finish, and have a homecoming, and…you know.

SCOTT

That’s really not what I’m worried about right now…

SISTER FINN

No?  Well, good.  Don’t think about the end when you’ve got more to go, right?  Think about the now.

SCOTT

Well, this might be the end.

SISTER FINN

No.  No, don’t you say that at all.

SCOTT

Well…

SISTER FINN

You have those four months.  You work for those.

SCOTT

Right…

SISTER FINN

Waiting is no fun.

SCOTT

I know.  I mean, I feel like if I had any idea when it would be over, you know?

SISTER FINN

And this is the longest Laurel presidency meeting I have ever heard of.

(Beat.)

Jamie is the Laurel class president.

SCOTT

Yeah.

(Pause.)

What if she didn’t come out?  Of the meeting?

SISTER FINN

What’s that?

SCOTT

I don’t mean, like, something happened to her.  But, you know.  She got a ride with someone else and you missed her.

SISTER FINN

I think I’ve been watching closely.

SCOTT

But how long would you wait?

SISTER FINN

Well, I trust her, so I would wait as long as it took.

(Beat.  Reassuringly.)

I’m sure your mom is fine.

SCOTT

What?  Oh, yeah.

SISTER FINN

How is that family that you were writing your mom about?  With the baby girl?

SCOTT

Oh, they’re doing well.  Well, they were last week.  Geez, I hope they went to church today.  We were gonna mark their baptism this week, you know?  And they’re pretty excited.

SISTER FINN

It’s a good thing you didn’t break your knee a month ago, right?

SCOTT

I didn’t break it.

(Beat.)

Wait, why?

SISTER FINN

Your mom said you found them a few weeks ago.

SCOTT

…Yeah.

SISTER FINN

So it’s a good thing you were there, don’t you think?

SCOTT

(Thinking.)

I guess so.  I mean, someone would have found them.

SISTER FINN

Well, you never know.

SCOTT

Huh.

SISTER FINN

(Pause.)

Do you think I missed her?  I might have been talking to you when she-

SCOTT

No, I was just…I think she’ll be right out.

SISTER FINN

Good.  We have a potluck to get to.

SCOTT

Yeah.  I mean, you could check, I guess.

SISTER FINN

No, I’ll wait a little longer.

SCOTT

Yeah.

(They wait in a comfortable silence for a few moments as the lights fade.)

Published in: on July 1, 2009 at 12:48 AM  Comments (1)  
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Killing your darlings

That unsettling title comes from some old adage that as a writer you need to be be able to “kill your darlings,” meaning, I suppose, that you can’t get too attached to the things you write that you won’t be willing to sacrifice any of it for the good of the whole.  In early drafts of a play I wrote called Man to Man there was a scene in which Carey and Greta, a married couple whose relationship had been strained for years due in part to Carey’s relationship with his son Sawyer, are seen in flashback and the nature of the conflict is really shown.  When I restructured the play (which very much needed the restructuring) the scene had to go.  I missed it though and it was the hardest cut I ever had to make.  It may not make sense out of context but I figured I’d post it anyway.


CAREY

(Moving forward and looking into the cradle.)

Sorry.  It’s not like me to get sentimental.  Well, maybe that isn’t true.  I just wanted to see you again.  It was a crazy couple of days, have to get up and make sure it’s really…You’re really here.  So…welcome.

(Laughs at himself.)

“Every child begins the world again.”  Thoreau said that.  The nurse, she said you have my nose and jaw.  Jaw.  Now, I’m sure they can’t tell.  I can’t even tell between one jaw and another in adults.  My jaw…I wonder if that’s just something they say.  To calm down the weeping husbands, so we can tend to our weeping wives.  Not that I was weeping…I probably shouldn’t tell you that, should I?  Not much of a first impression of your big strong dad. 

(Beat.)

I should let you sleep.  I just didn’t want you to be alone, your first night at home.  I think it’s true, what they say about new dads.  But I doubt my father ever did this.  He was never one to…savor a moment. 

(Listens.)

It’s quiet.  Your breathing, I can barely hear it.  That worries me a little.  But you’re okay?  I’m here.

(Beat.)

He didn’t live for us, my father.  What I mean is, he never looked at me and wondered what I’d…Really, I can’t see him doing that.  I can’t see him doing this.

(Smiles.)

Oh, I forgot to tell you.  I took the day off tomorrow, cancelled my classes.  They’ll understand.  I mean, I’ve been talking about you more than I’ve talked about Whitman or Emmerson or Poe.  But there’s an A’s game on.  I mean, if you’re interested.  I’ll hold you and explain the whole thing.  You’ll love it.  You have the eyes of a pitcher.  I’d like to see the nurse notice that.

(Listens.)

I’ve been waiting for you.  I mean for longer than nine months, I’ve been waiting.  And I can protect you, and I’ll wait up when I’m walking too fast, and you can be everything that you should be.  I’m going to watch you grow.

(Beat.  He steps back.)

I’ll let you sleep now.

(Stands in silence for a moment.  GRETA enters in a robe and stands in the doorway.)

GRETA

Carey?

(CAREY reels around, surprised.)

CAREY

I didn’t see you there.

GRETA

What are you doing?

CAREY

(Pause.)

Go back to bed, honey.

GRETA

Carey, what are you doing here?

CAREY

(Pause.)

Do you remember what today was?

GRETA

(Pause.)

Yes.

CAREY

So do I.  I’m sorry, it was stupid.  I just couldn’t sleep.

GRETA

It’s not stupid.

CAREY

He was supposed to be here tonight.  

GRETA

I know.

CAREY

This is…We should go to bed.

GRETA

We can talk about this.

CAREY

I know.

GRETA

I thought about him today too.

CAREY

I remember when we picked the name, do you remember?  I didn’t think we could ever agree on that but, Sawyer, finally we both felt good.  And he felt so real then. 

GRETA

I remember.

CAREY

I don’t know why I’m bringing this up now.  

GRETA

I told you, we can talk.

CAREY

No.  Not tonight.

GRETA

Come back to bed with me?

CAREY

Maybe I’ll stay here a few more minutes.

GRETA

Okay.

CAREY

Just, time to think is all.

GRETA

You have to teach in the morning.

CAREY

I cancelled.

GRETA

You did.

CAREY

So, I’m fine.

GRETA

Carey.

(He looks at her.  She starts to cry.)

I’m sorry.

CAREY

Don’t do that.

GRETA

I am, Carey.  I’m sorry.

CAREY

Hey, no.  I don’t know what you’re apologizing for.

GRETA

For losing him.

CAREY

Stop.

GRETA

I’m sorry.  He’s gone, I’m so sorry.

CAREY

Stop.  Greta?  Stop this.

GRETA

I…

CAREY

We were stupid, okay?  We both were.  We held on too tight to something, we let it take over.  So we lost everything, and it was our own fault.  It’s our fault.

GRETA

We had to hold on tight.

CAREY

To something we couldn’t see?  Something we couldn’t feel?  Of course we got hurt.

GRETA

I could feel him.

(Silence.)

I couldn’t sleep either.  I felt you awake and there was something between us.  Did you feel something there?  Or something in the nothing.  In the emptiness.  And you got up and I was left there with that.  And I can’t be alone.  Not tonight.

(Beat.)

You’ll have to be everything for me now.

(GRETA puts a hand on CAREY’s arm.  He does not respond and she retreats.  Silence.)

CAREY

I’ll be in.

(GRETA looks at him for a moment, then exits.  CAREY stares down at the cradle.)

CAREY
(Moving forward and looking into the cradle.)
Sorry.  It’s not like me to get sentimental.  Well, maybe that isn’t true.  I just wanted to see you again.  It was a crazy couple of days, have to get up and make sure it’s really…You’re really here.  So…welcome.
(Laughs at himself.)
“Every child begins the world again.”  Thoreau said that.  The nurse, she said you have my nose and jaw.  Jaw.  Now, I’m sure they can’t tell.  I can’t even tell between one jaw and another in adults.  My jaw…I wonder if that’s just something they say.  To calm down the weeping husbands, so we can tend to our weeping wives.  Not that I was weeping…I probably shouldn’t tell you that, should I?  Not much of a first impression of your big strong dad. 
(Beat.)
I should let you sleep.  I just didn’t want you to be alone, your first night at home.  I think it’s true, what they say about new dads.  But I doubt my father ever did this.  He was never one to…savor a moment. 
(Listens.)
It’s quiet.  Your breathing, I can barely hear it.  That worries me a little.  But you’re okay?  I’m here.
(Beat.)
He didn’t live for us, my father.  What I mean is, he never looked at me and wondered what I’d…Really, I can’t see him doing that.  I can’t see him doing this.
(Smiles.)
Oh, I forgot to tell you.  I took the day off tomorrow, cancelled my classes.  They’ll understand.  I mean, I’ve been talking about you more than I’ve talked about Whitman or Emmerson or Poe.  But there’s an A’s game on.  I mean, if you’re interested.  I’ll hold you and explain the whole thing.  You’ll love it.  You have the eyes of a pitcher.  I’d like to see the nurse notice that.
(Listens.)
I’ve been waiting for you.  I mean for longer than nine months, I’ve been waiting.  And I can protect you, and I’ll wait up when I’m walking too fast, and you can be everything that you should be.  I’m going to watch you grow.
(Beat.  He steps back.)
I’ll let you sleep now.
(Stands in silence for a moment.  GRETA enters in a robe and stands in the doorway.  She is now in the memory with CAREY.  SAWYER observes.)
GRETA
Carey?
(CAREY reels around, surprised.)
CAREY
I didn’t see you there.
GRETA
What are you doing?
CAREY
(Pause.)
Go back to bed, honey.
GRETA
Carey, what are you doing here?
CAREY
(Pause.)
Do you remember what today was?
GRETA
(Pause.)
Yes.
CAREY
So do I.  I’m sorry, it was stupid.  I just couldn’t sleep.
GRETA
It’s not stupid.
CAREY
He was supposed to be here tonight.  
GRETA
I know.
CAREY
This is…We should go to bed.
GRETA
We can talk about this.
CAREY
I know.
GRETA
I thought about him today too.
CAREY
I remember when we picked the name, do you remember?  I didn’t think we could ever agree on that but, Sawyer, finally we both felt good.  And he felt so real then. 
GRETA
I remember.
CAREY
I don’t know why I’m bringing this up now.  
GRETA
I told you, we can talk.
CAREY
No.  Not tonight.
GRETA
Come back to bed with me?
CAREY
Maybe I’ll stay here a few more minutes.
GRETA
Okay.
CAREY
Just, time to think is all.
GRETA
You have to teach in the morning.
CAREY
I cancelled.
GRETA
You did.
CAREY
So, I’m fine.
GRETA
Carey.
(He looks at her.  She starts to cry.)
I’m sorry.
CAREY
Don’t do that.
GRETA
I am, Carey.  I’m sorry.
CAREY
Hey, no.  I don’t know what you’re apologizing for.
GRETA
For losing him.
CAREY
Stop.
GRETA
I’m sorry.  He’s gone, I’m so sorry.
CAREY
Stop.  Greta?  Stop this.
GRETA
I…
CAREY
We were stupid, okay?  We both were.  We held on too tight to something, we let it take over.  So we lost everything, and it was our own fault.  It’s our fault.
GRETA
We had to hold on tight.
CAREY
To something we couldn’t see?  Something we couldn’t feel?  Of course we got hurt.
GRETA
I could feel him.
(Silence.)
I couldn’t sleep either.  I felt you awake and there was something between us.  Did you feel something there?  Or something in the nothing.  In the emptiness.  And you got up and I was left there with that.  And I can’t be alone.  Not tonight.
(Beat.)
You’ll have to be everything for me now.
(GRETA puts a hand on CAREY’s arm.  He does not respond and she retreats.  Silence.)
CAREY
I’ll be in.
(GRETA looks at him for a moment, then exits.  CAREY stares down at the cradle.)

Published in: on July 1, 2009 at 12:41 AM  Leave a Comment  
Tags: ,

The first post, which will remain nameless

 

(A record store.  Matthew is browsing the used DVD’s.  He looks frustrated.  Girl approaches.)
GIRL
That’s a good one.
MATTHEW
Huh?
GIRL
“Annie Hall.”  Isn’t that…
(Gets a closer look at the DVD case.)
Oh, “Annie.”  
(Suppresses a laugh.)
MATTHEW
Yeah, I was just…
GIRL
No, no.  By all means…
MATTHEW
Really, I was just looking to see when it was made.
GIRL
Uh huh.
MATTHEW
I wasn’t going to buy it.
GIRL
Because you already have it.
MATTHEW
Oh, come on.
GIRL
Or, let me guess, present for your girlfriend?
MATTHEW
If I had one of those, she wouldn’t be a fan of movies like this.
GIRL
Uh huh.
MATTHEW
You totally don’t believe me.
GIRL
No, I do.
(He gives her a look.)
Really, I do.
MATTHEW
(Handing her a DVD.)
Here’s “Annie Hall.”  I mean, if you were looking for it.
GIRL
Oh, I wasn’t.  I just…
MATTHEW
…couldn’t help noticing me noticing “Annie Hall?”
GIRL
Sorry, was that weird of me?
MATTHEW
No.
GIRL
Yeah, it was.  And now you’re all embarrassed and denying your love of musicals…
MATTHEW
(Putting “Annie” back on the shelf.)
You’re not gonna let that go, are you?
GIRL
Really, I don’t usually…approach people like that.
MATTHEW
Well, for the record I love “Annie Hall.”
GIRL
Me too, I watched it when I was younger but I didn’t really get it.  You know?
MATTHEW
Yeah, I was that way with “Ghostbusters.”
GIRL
You know I’ve never actually seen that whole movie?
MATTHEW
What?!
GIRL
I know!
MATTHEW
No way!
GIRL
It’s one of those that no one watches now because they’ve all seen it, you know?  I think it’s on my Netflix queue.  
MATTHEW
Yeah, I use that line.  It’s alright, you know?  You don’t have to watch it, I guess.
GIRL
Well, thank you.
MATTHEW
But you’re missing out.  I actually just watched “Annie Hall” this afternoon.
GIRL
For the first time?
MATTHEW
Yep.  I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately, got surgery last week.
GIRL
Oh really?  What kind of surgery?
MATTHEW
(Beat.)
How about we change the subject?
(They laugh.)
Sorry, I don’t know why I brought that up.
GIRL
I don’t know why I asked.  I don’t really need to know.
MATTHEW
You don’t want to know.
(Beat.)
So…
GIRL
(Looking at “Annie Hall.”)
You know what I love about this movie?  That montage at the end, with Diane Keaton singing and, you know, all the cheesy moments from the movie.
MATTHEW
Yeah.
GIRL
I don’t know.  And you remember all of that started with a game of tennis, and she gave him a ride, and it all went from there.  It’s just interesting, you know, thinking you can find someone to…give yourself to.  And it’ll be something so simple.  I mean, in the movie…
(Beat.)
It’s a good one.
MATTHEW
Yeah…What’s your name?
GIRL
Jordan.  And…
MATTHEW
Matthew.
JORDAN
Nice to meet you.  Uh, yeah.  I recommend that one.
(Starts to move off.)
MATTHEW
Anything else?
JORDAN
(Turning back.)
What?
MATTHEW
I mean, other recommendations?
(She gives him a perplexed look.)
Sorry, just…
JORDAN
Well, I looked through most of these used ones.  Not much here.
MATTHEW
Yeah the buy two get one free thing presumes we can find three we want to take home.
JORDAN
Exactly.
MATTHEW
I actually did a couple times.
JORDAN
Me too.
MATTHEW
We must have snatched up anything worth buying.
JORDAN
Right.
MATTHEW
I mean…
(Looking at the DVD’s.)
“The Love Guru.”  Really?
JORDAN
And the, what, seventh “American Pie” movie?  How many of these do we need?
MATTHEW
It’s for a generation raised on “Land Before Time.”
JORDAN
(Laughs.)
Right.
MATTHEW
Yeah, this was a bust, I think.
JORDAN
Better luck next time.
MATTHEW
Hey, uh…This is kind of…But, what are you doing tonight?
JORDAN
It’s 9:45.  
(Beat.)
Nothing so far.
MATTHEW
I mean, I could get your number and call you up, ask you out, and we could have a great time.  But, what about now?
JORDAN
I’m intrigued.  You didn’t have any plans tonight?
MATTHEW
Well, I was going to eat a pizza by myself, watch “Citizen Kane,” and probably write a blog about how our society’s abysmal taste in movies.
JORDAN
Sounds like fun.
MATTHEW
Actually, I’d probably think about writing a blog but I’d just end up falling asleep watching “How I Met Your Mother” episodes from a sketchy Japanese website.
JORDAN
Side Reel?
MATTHEW
Wow, how embarrassing that you know that.
JORDAN
So, what did you have in mind?
MATTHEW
Uh, I…My plan really only got as far as “Wanna go out.”  Do you like food?
JORDAN
I love it.  I had dinner a couple hours ago, but…
MATTHEW
How about we split an app sampler at Applebees?
JORDAN
Ooh, that sounds great.  Do you like the mozzarella sticks?
MATTHEW
They’re all yours.
JORDAN
Hmmm, maybe we could sub more buffalo wings.
MATTHEW
That’s what I like to hear.
JORDAN
Then what?
MATTHEW
Ummm…
JORDAN
See where the evening takes us?
MATTHEW
(Laughs.)
Wow, I’ve never tried that.
JORDAN
Neither have I.
MATTHEW
Sounds great.
(They walk together out of the store.)
Funny story, I was there with my buddy the other day and he thought our waitress was cute, but he was afraid she saw him checking out this other waitress…
(They exit.)

I posted this on my “regular” blog and was surprised by the reactions I got.  Many people actually thought it happened (it didn’t) and were very happy for me.  I realized, though, that maybe the reason I don’t blog enough is because I’m much more used to writing like this.  So we’ll see how things work out when I try and keep a blog such as this one.  To kick things off I figured I’d repost this one, just in case you missed it the first time.  And if you know this girl, please direct her my way…

 

(A record store.  Matthew is browsing the used DVD’s.  He looks frustrated.  Girl approaches.)

GIRL

That’s a good one.

MATTHEW

Huh?

GIRL

“Annie Hall.”  Isn’t that…

(Gets a closer look at the DVD case.)

Oh, “Annie.”  

(Suppresses a laugh.)

MATTHEW

Yeah, I was just…

GIRL

No, no.  By all means…

MATTHEW

Really, I was just looking to see when it was made.

GIRL

Uh huh.

MATTHEW

I wasn’t going to buy it.

GIRL

Because you already have it.

MATTHEW

Oh, come on.

GIRL

Or, let me guess, present for your girlfriend?

MATTHEW

If I had one of those, she wouldn’t be a fan of movies like this.

GIRL

Uh huh.

MATTHEW

You totally don’t believe me.

GIRL

No, I do.

(He gives her a look.)

Really, I do.

MATTHEW

(Handing her a DVD.)

Here’s “Annie Hall.”  I mean, if you were looking for it.

GIRL

Oh, I wasn’t.  I just…

MATTHEW

…couldn’t help noticing me noticing “Annie Hall?”

GIRL

Sorry, was that weird of me?

MATTHEW

No.

GIRL

Yeah, it was.  And now you’re all embarrassed and denying your love of musicals…

MATTHEW

(Putting “Annie” back on the shelf.)

You’re not gonna let that go, are you?

GIRL

Really, I don’t usually…approach people like that.

MATTHEW

Well, for the record I love “Annie Hall.”

GIRL

Me too, I watched it when I was younger but I didn’t really get it.  You know?

MATTHEW

Yeah, I was that way with “Ghostbusters.”

GIRL

You know I’ve never actually seen that whole movie?

MATTHEW

What?!

GIRL

I know!

MATTHEW

No way!

GIRL

It’s one of those that no one watches now because they’ve all seen it, you know?  I think it’s on my Netflix queue.  

MATTHEW

Yeah, I use that line.  It’s alright, you know?  You don’t have to watch it, I guess.

GIRL

Well, thank you.

MATTHEW

But you’re missing out.  I actually just watched “Annie Hall” this afternoon.

GIRL

For the first time?

MATTHEW

Yep.  I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately, got surgery last week.

GIRL

Oh really?  What kind of surgery?

MATTHEW

(Beat.)

How about we change the subject?

(They laugh.)

Sorry, I don’t know why I brought that up.

GIRL

I don’t know why I asked.  I don’t really need to know.

MATTHEW

You don’t want to know.

(Beat.)

So…

GIRL

(Looking at “Annie Hall.”)

You know what I love about this movie?  That montage at the end, with Diane Keaton singing and, you know, all the cheesy moments from the movie.

MATTHEW

Yeah.

GIRL

I don’t know.  And you remember all of that started with a game of tennis, and she gave him a ride, and it all went from there.  It’s just interesting, you know, thinking you can find someone to…give yourself to.  And it’ll be something so simple.  I mean, in the movie…

(Beat.)

It’s a good one.

MATTHEW

Yeah…What’s your name?

GIRL

Jordan.  And…

MATTHEW

Matthew.

JORDAN

Nice to meet you.  Uh, yeah.  I recommend that one.

(Starts to move off.)

MATTHEW

Anything else?

JORDAN

(Turning back.)

What?

MATTHEW

I mean, other recommendations?

(She gives him a perplexed look.)

Sorry, just…

JORDAN

Well, I looked through most of these used ones.  Not much here.

MATTHEW

Yeah the buy two get one free thing presumes we can find three we want to take home.

JORDAN

Exactly.

MATTHEW

I actually did a couple times.

JORDAN

Me too.

MATTHEW

We must have snatched up anything worth buying.

JORDAN

Right.

MATTHEW

I mean…

(Looking at the DVD’s.)

“The Love Guru.”  Really?

JORDAN

And the, what, seventh “American Pie” movie?  How many of these do we need?

MATTHEW

It’s for a generation raised on “Land Before Time.”

JORDAN

(Laughs.)

Right.

MATTHEW

Yeah, this was a bust, I think.

JORDAN

Better luck next time.

MATTHEW

Hey, uh…This is kind of…But, what are you doing tonight?

JORDAN

It’s 9:45.  

(Beat.)

Nothing so far.

MATTHEW

I mean, I could get your number and call you up, ask you out, and we could have a great time.  But, what about now?

JORDAN

I’m intrigued.  You didn’t have any plans tonight?

MATTHEW

Well, I was going to eat a pizza by myself, watch “Citizen Kane,” and probably write a blog about how our society’s abysmal taste in movies.

JORDAN

Sounds like fun.

MATTHEW

Actually, I’d probably think about writing a blog but I’d just end up falling asleep watching “How I Met Your Mother” episodes from a sketchy Japanese website.

JORDAN

Side Reel?

MATTHEW

Wow, how embarrassing that you know that.

JORDAN

So, what did you have in mind?

MATTHEW

Uh, I…My plan really only got as far as “Wanna go out.”  Do you like food?

JORDAN

I love it.  I had dinner a couple hours ago, but…

MATTHEW

How about we split an app sampler at Applebees?

JORDAN

Ooh, that sounds great.  Do you like the mozzarella sticks?

MATTHEW

They’re all yours.

JORDAN

Hmmm, maybe we could sub more buffalo wings.

MATTHEW

That’s what I like to hear.

JORDAN

Then what?

MATTHEW

Ummm…

JORDAN

See where the evening takes us?

MATTHEW

(Laughs.)

Wow, I’ve never tried that.

JORDAN

Neither have I.

MATTHEW

Sounds great.

(They walk together out of the store.)

Funny story, I was there with my buddy the other day and he thought our waitress was cute, but he was afraid she saw him checking out this other waitress…

(They exit.)

Published in: on June 30, 2009 at 7:43 PM  Leave a Comment  
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