When you get into a medical situation your Dr's "not comfortable" getting you out of.

So.  I'm obese.  According to the nasty bad BMI chart thingy.  (Which i'm starting to think is a load of horse manure, but that's a rant for another day.) Which is a really good thing cause 9 ish months ago I was Morbidly Obese.  But I'm starting my story in the wrong spot.  Let me try again.
December 1st (ish) 2012 I was almost 9 months pregnant with my first baby and learned that the baby was in what the big smarty pants Dr.s call: "transverse lie." which basically means he was laying sideways in my pelvis instead of head down.   Those smarty pants Dr.s immediately started throwing around that Cesarian word and when I told them I wanted a completely natural birth they looked at me like I was a nut job.  Long long long story considerably shorter, When i went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine center to have them perform a Manual Cephalic Version which is fancy pants dr talk for moving the baby into optimal position for labor, We learned that in my situation it was a bit risky, and there was less than a 50% chance that the version would be successful and if it were not successful, We'd end up in an emergency C-section anyway.  We decided (and I believe it was the best decision given the information we had) to have a "planned c-section" and avoid the added complications and risks that an emergency c-section would have entailed.  So on June 28th I went to my doctor.  I said to him: "If I can lose the weight and get healthy, will you support me in attempting a VBAC?"In that appointment he said to me: "when a woman gets fat on the outside they get fat on the inside, so it's harder to push a baby out.  So when I see a woman come in to have a baby at close to 300 lbs I just think you might as well section her." a month later he had his receptionist call and tell me: "No, but he wants to talk to you about it."  I can't think of anything to talk about, so, I start to hunt for a new doctor.  I'm not willing to have major abdominal surgery for all my babies.  My body is capable of accomplishing this and I will not doubt. 
So last month I went to an OB in Salt Lake who came highly recommended.  I told him what I wanted we discussed briefly the circumstances of my c-section, and he said well, I don't see any reason you shouldn't be able to attempt a vbac. You just need to find and OB down in Provo.  They will monitor your labor very closely and if there is a lot of blood or if the baby has trouble then they will look at things, but you should be fine.  So now, I'm on the hunt for an OB in the Provo area.  I have had several recommendations, but lately the recommendations have ended in disappointment as each doctor who came highly recommended (other than this Dr. Langeland in SL) has shown themselves to have either Crappy bedside manner, little to no care about me as an individual, or a knack for saying stupid things.  Is it really too much to ask to see an intelligent, compassionate doctor?

Motivation (warning I use curse words.)

Yep, it's time again to look at my motives.  Interesting that I have to repeat this exercise.  I'm sorry if this is boring to anyone, but really, this blog is more about me processing than anything else, so it doesn't really matter.  I've been struggling with my healthy choices lately, in fact through pretty much all of September, half of August, and the first part of October.  Oh and the first half of July.  How much farther along could I be if I had just continued to make good choices.  But I didn't and now the consequences are mine. 
So why you ask did I make less than stellar choices?  well, I have  a lot of excuses, but really I just didn't make good choices. I know better.

About 3 months ago I went to my doctor to talk about the possiblity of having a VBAC (no I'm not preggers now, but My sister is having the fight of her life for her vbac, so I'm starting early) I was told NO. it took all the piss and vinegar right out of me. My doctor basically told me that no matter how healthy I got or how much weight I lost he would not support me in attempting a vbac. I was devastated, and angry. I of course got a second opinion and have since learned some of the reasons behind his refusal, but since then it's like my motivation to get healthy is on sabbatical. It got worse when I went to visit my sister and made the mistake of telling her what my big overall goal was. (I want to get down to 155 lbs.)  She proceeded to ask me why I wasn't planning on losing more. Specifically she said: "I think you would look amazing at 130 lbs.  Seriously?? I'm making serious changes and that's not enough for you?? o. . . k. . . . Then I recently went to another doctor and while the visit was much more hopeful, it also took some of the motivation from me. So anyway, for the last month, I've been eating anything my little fingers can find. SO IRRITATING. I know what I need to do to get rid of the weight and I know what I need to do to get my body where it needs to be, I just find that I don't want to do that. It's like I've lost my ability to care.  That's not ok.  No one else is going to care about be if I don't. In September I had a goal to get to 180. I was totally on track to be there too until I allowed myself to get derailed. Instead I put on 5 lbs. I guess what I'm saying now is that I commit for myself to get back on track. I deserve to live in a healthy body. I deserve to be strong and able to take care of my son and carry another little person in a healthy body. I deserve to feel beautiful. I deserve to make the choices that will get me there. I deserve to have the body, mind, health, and spirit, that will allow me to be the spunky old lady I've always envisioned for myself. My Son deserves to have a healthy Mama. He deserves to have a Mama who plays with him and runs and can keep him safe and happy. He deserves to have a Mama who can teach him about how to make healthy choices for his own body, and how to maintain his health. My husband deserves to have a wife who is happy in her skin. So. Starting today, I'm getting this locomotive back on track and headed where I want to be. Have a great October. (here's to spending Thanksgiving just "overweight" instead of "obese" for the first time in over a decade. )

Some blogs I've loved recently.

My sister found this and shared it with me.  I loved it. 
I discovered this one and loved it as well.
Enjoy!

The Ramblings of my enfeebled mind

I've learned something about my body.  It not only matters the number of calories I put into it, but the type of calories.  That may sound strange, but I learned this week that if my caloric input is from salty or over sugary junky food, my body will tend to hold on to it, if it's from healthy lean protein, veggies, and whole grains, my body lets go of storage like I let go of bugs or spiders.  Log that away, I feel better too.  I really need to remember that the next time I'm wanting a binge day.  :)  oh well.  I'm back on track and it will all iron out. 
My son is sleeping now.  He had a rough night.  Consequently I'm tired.  Exhausted would be a better word for it.  Is there a more tired word than exhausted?  After waking up crying for the fourth time in 20 minutes I tried to nurse him back to sleep and he bit me.  This is the first time he's done this, so it actually surprised me.  I gave him some tylenol thinking that maybe he was waking up because he was in pain.  It sortof worked. At least I think it did. I think he slept for a full 20 - 40 minutes after that. 
We had a very rough week this week.  He had a fall, and has a scrape on his head.  I of course feel awful, awful, awful about this, but I've done everything I could do.  After the fall, he had a hard nap day, meaning he didn't really get a good nap in, and then when he finally conked out for the night, we were out running errands.  He was woken by a well meaning Dad, and then the son proceeded to scream for the next 4 hours.  I was awake with him until 11:30/ midnight.  He was screaming the entire time.  He didn't want to nurse, (a first for him and that freaked me out a little) He didn't want to be held, he did NOT want to be set down, nothing was working.  I figured it was just overtired, but the husband was worried.  The next day I noticed that his ear (only one of them) was hot.  I of course was concerned that he could have an ear infection, and after consulting with two of my sisters we decided to take him to urgent care and get him checked out.  This was of course at 8 pm on a Saturday night.  By the time we got him to the Dr, he was happy as could be, his ear was no longer warm, and he was flirting with the nurses!  Dr. checked him out said he does not have an ear infection, and his scratched head is healing just fine.  I felt so stupid.  Of course I've been feeling like the worst Mommy in the world because he fell, and then I couldn't tell if he had an ear infection or not.  I didn't feel like I was seeing any difference in his behavior other than the night that he was super tired and screaming.  I don't know.  Perhaps it would be better to not write blog posts when I'm the living breathing antithesis of fresh and energetic like this.
I just read over this and it reminded me of this.  Haha. enjoy!

Thank you Pt3

I don't know how many of you like to clean, but. . I don't.  There are tasks I enjoy as long as my son isn't screaming, like folding laundry or washing dishes.  But to really clean. . . not a fan.  However, since I am mortal, my body creates messes.  Like hair all over the bathroom.  Especially since I recently had a baby.  Apparently having babies can make your hair fall out.  I was not aware of this before I got pregnant.  Now there is hair ALL OVER.  In my bed, in my bathroom, in my carpet. . . I find it in my sons fingers constantly.  Well, night before last I had a dream that I was living on a pirate ship and it was my job to clean the latrines. . . When I woke up I decided that dream meant I needed to clean my bathroom.  With cleaning solutions and everything.  We won't talk about how long it's been.  I don't need to give you nightmares.  But suffice it to say I cleaned my bathroom yesterday, Did Laundry, tried to get my dishes done, took a walk with my son, made dinner, unpacked several boxes from storage, and even thought about vacuuming.  Thank you body for the weird dreams that inspired me to clean and for doing the cleaning without gagging when it came to the toilet.  Did I mention I found some old writing I did I think in highschool where I talked about how much I hate cleaning toilets and how it makes me gag?  well, this time it didn't.  Thanks Body!! 

The Iris tall

My iris blossoms are wilting and shriveling.  They never fully bloomed.  I'm bummed.

A bit of earth

Last year just before I got preggo and exhaustion set in to not depart for 9 months, I threw about 6 old potatoes out into our little dirt pile.  I buried them and figured "if they grow, they grow, if not. . . oh well".  So, they grew, and they bloomed and then they just. . . kinda. . . died.  I was bummed, but not devastated.  After all, they were squishy and old when I put them out there, I wasn't even sure they were going to grow, and besides the soil I put them in was AWFUL  I'm pretty sure there is only dirt about 6 inches down and then it's cement.  I also planted some iris bulbs my husbands grandmother gave me and I rejoiced as I watched those four little plants bloom.
My Mother had a plot of irises at the top of our driveway that would bloom with purple blossoms every spring.  I loved that spot of hope and color after the long dreary Idaho winters.  I remember watching them as the little buds began to emerge and I knew that the browns and grays and dirt of winter had been beaten back again.
Imagine my excitement this year when EIGHT little plants came up!  I was literally doing happy dances. I wasn't even sure the poor things had survived our never ending winter.
My sister Rosalee offered to share some of her garden with me including her many colors of irises and I joyfully said I would take some.  I guessed that digging them up and moving them a hour away would shock them badly enough that they wouldn't bloom this year, but I was looking forward to a LOT of color next year.  She gave me some of each color she had.  I helped her dig them up rushed home and put them in the ground.  Then I left on vacation for four days. . .
When I got home, my little flower patch looked like someone had taken a torch to it.  They were all laying on the ground like exhausted little children so I tried to prop them up with soil.  Sad but hopeful, I turned on the sprinklers and waited. 
My visiting teacher and friend bought a tomato plant and brought it to me with excerpts from this talk from the most recent LDS general conference.  She is so amazing.  I love her.  Well, now I had to include veggies in my little garden spot, so my husband and I went and purchased another tomato, two pepper plants and a package of onion starts.  It took me a couple days but I finally got them all in the ground. (Don't condemn. I have no idea where my days go.) Yesterday I got the little garden plot fertilized, and now I need to weed.  This is harder than it sounds because my 5 month old son doesn't like me being out there.  Maybe when hubby comes home tonight. 
Anyway, a while ago I noticed some little green leaves coming up where I had not planted anything this year!  I knew what it was, and now, it looks like this:

As I was out watering my little garden today I was so happy to see the onions greening up.  My grandmothers irises are about to bloom

You can see how sad and tired the other irises look in behind the tall ones.  Poor kids. . . hopefully next year.  Here are my tomato and pepper plants:

You can see a little of my "volunteer" plants there to the top right :D and the onions behind the tomatoes.
 Imagine my excitement when just as I was about to go back inside so little Sharp Toes wouldn't get sunburned, I noticed this:

and this:

Can you see them??  Those poor torched little irises are ACTUALLY going to make flowers for me.  I'm so thankful for this bit of color I hugged little Sharp Toes and almost cried.  You can even see in that bottom picture how sad and burned the leaves got, but that tough little flower is still going to bloom! 
So finally here's a quick picture of the entire garden spot:

You can definitely see how sad those poor irises look.  But Some of them are blooming!!  Grandma's are in the front.  They are the healthy looking ones. . . They were more well established and therefore more able to withstand four days of neglect.  Anyway, see that tall stick that looks more like a wire or something to the left of my hose?  with a spidery looking base?  it's come up each year we've been here.  It makes a purple fluffy looking flower at the top of that tall stalk.  I have no idea what it it, but I leave it alone because it was here and it's not hurting anything.  Anyone know what it is and can tell me?
You know I find it a little funny but with this small amount of playing in the dirt I find myself fantasizing about when I have my own house and can grow a "real" garden with rows of plants instead of two and more variety than just onions, peppers, tomatoes, and potatoes.  I'll grow peas and beans and squash and cucumbers and zucchini and corn and and and. . . I feel blessed for what I have now.  I'm so thankful my eyes found those blossoms.  I'm so glad I have hands that can pull weeds and plant and water.  I'm so thankful for eyes that can see the beauty of this world.  I'm so glad I have a landlord who will let me play in the dirt.  :)  Feeling so blessed. 
Every time I go out there I find myself singing this song.  Love you all.  Here's hoping you have your own "bit of earth" and don't worry.  It may look dead, but remember spring will beat the winter every time.