Mike Bowman’s Weblog

Finally the ex girlfriend changed her facebook status to nothing. This could mean the final end of our relationship, which means that I can finally move on. It also can mean that she is hiding her real relationship status, but either way, I am moving on. Oh well, right?

I loved her like nobody else, but that doesn’t mean anything. I figure that I am the same type of guy that I always am, and always will be… just a nice guy to the girls I date.

She knows it, and so does every other ex-girlfriend. 

I know that nice guys don’t win, so why do I try… because that is all that I know to be. I will always try to give my best. I will always try to be there for those that I love. And that is all that I can be.

Goodnight!

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So the weekend is over, and I am wishing I could sleep. Lots of thoughts are running through my brain, and when that happens I have a hard time falling asleep.

Some of the thoughts are positive. For instance, I got to spend some time with my girls on Saturday. I haven’t really gotten to see them for the last too months, and I was invited to watch Lexi at a dance competition. Although I didn’t see Lexi that much, since she was backstage most of the time, I did get to see Isabelle. She cuddled with me the whole time, and gave me a couple sweet kisses.

It was awkward at first, because Isabelle was acting shy and wouldn’t really talk to me. She basically sat on my lap and had her arm around me, but then started to open up and talk after about an hour. She then asked me to dance with her and she took my hand and twirled around and around. Then she jumped around and kept jumping into my arms. By the time we left she was so giggly and happy. 

Lexi was pretty much herself as always, and was more interested in talking with friends even when she wasn’t backstage. Of course the place was selling shirts, jewelry, and purses…and Lexi asked me to buy her a purse. Unfortunately for her…I didn’t have the cash, and she got mopey.

It was also awkward, because I sat next to Shauna. Although the feelings weren’t there, it was like we were a family again. Her husband wasn’t there because he was moving. They moved back to Pleasant Grove, into a bigger house up near the mountain. Apparently she is going through a lawsuit which forced them to move quickly. Shauna lost her phone and kept asking me if she could use mine.

On Sunday, I went out with a girl to lunch. It was good, and she was very nice. I know it probably is too soon to start dating again, but it has been good to meet new people. It’s especially refreshing to find girls who are showing more interest in me than I have had in a while. However, I just don’t know if I have enough in me to show the same level of interest back. My whole heart was dedicated to my last girlfriend, and I still miss her and wished she would realize that nobody will care about her more than I do. As they say, time heals all wounds, and it’s not like I haven’t been dramatic with other past girlfriends. Difference is though, I always broke up with them and I was more prepared emotionally.

My ex-girlfriend still has a key to my place, and I am not sure if I should ask her for it back. I keep wondering if she realizes she has it, and if she is keeping as an option to maybe come back sometime. Then again, she probably doesn’t realize it and wont for a while. She also hasn’t yet changed her Facebook status to single, and that has me thinking too. Of course, she doesn’t have the internet yet at her place (as far as I know), but she has a lot of online friends and am curious if she has gone online at all.

Maybe she didn’t tell me the truth about why she broke up with me and she is in a relationship with someone else. Maybe she just hasn’t got on the internet. Maybe she has but just doesn’t want to deal with the response by her friends when she changes the status. Either way, I have no clue… but the fact that she still has a key to my house and hasn’t changed her Facebook status has me anxious.

I think I wish to much, and should just get over things. What I wish the most right now though is that I could fall asleep. I hate feeling so tired in the morning and being unable to sleep in. Oh well…

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Disclaimer… I am not a poet, and I have been drinking tonight. So if this sucks or offends you… sorry. But on the other hand…I am trying to vent in a constructive way.

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Well, I guess it was inevitable. I knew this day would come, but then again I am always pessimistic. 

My girlfriend broke up with me, after I broke up with her after she decided to move out. I knew something was up and so my heart lately hasn’t been into it. Sadly though it was all after Valentines day. Why didn’t she break up before? Even on Valentines day she was talking about different guys that she still has feelings for. In either case, I just don’t feel like enough.

She broke up with me by calling me while she was at the store, and telling me that she doesn’t think things are working out. Then said she was buying soap and that she would call me later. She did… and asked about the remaining stuff at my house. She said her car was having issues, so I offered to pack it up for her and bring it to her that night. She accepted and I finished her move.

Ironically, she had made me breakfast the day before, and I brought over my TV, DVD player, etc, so that she has something at her house. I left it there, and she still has my house key. Stupid, I know… but I really try just being understanding and nice. I also told her as I was leaving that if there was anything else I could do, to let me know. 

During the conversation as we were bringing stuff into her house, she told me how hard it was for her… but that she doesn’t feel like she can be herself in a relationship. She also told me that I have gotten to a place in her heart where nobody has before. I don’t know if I believe all that, especially since I have trust issues with her… but it really doesn’t matter what I believe.

It is going to be hard to see her at work, especially when she goes on breaks with other guys I have been jealous of. I will always try to treat her well, but I am heartbroken and feel like crap. I have been drinking all night and day this weekend to lessen the pain, and so far it has helped… but I know I can’t do that for ever.

So, its back to playing WoW, watching Chuck episodes over and over, and joining POF.com. I already have talked with one girl, and her picture is cute. But I am very weary about dating again. It’s probably too soon for me, but I know I need to just get out there and connect with people. At least now I feel like I can be myself again. I tend to lose myself when I fall in love.

So here it goes again….

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So tonight is the first night I have really been alone in a while. Sure my girlfriend has stayed over at friends houses and gone on vacations, but this it different. 

I should be happy to have my crappy full sized bed to myself. I am sure my girlfriend is happy to be sleeping on her softer queen sized bed. But thats not really what I am thinking about. I am thinking that I wont get to see her face in the morning. Also that tonight she told me that her boss at work knows she wants to quit. She said she may not go to work tomorrow, so it may just be another day of not seeing or hearing from her. How do I adjust? I guess just deal with it and stop complaining.

One thing tonight which gave me hope, was that about 9 p.m. tonight I get a simple text from my girlfriend that says she loves me. It is rare that she has ever spoken those works, and although it was by text I felt elated. I look at myself in my pajamas now and realize that I am a fat, hairy, bad dressing, smelly guy. I know deep down inside that I give my all for love, but haven’t felt like other girls have really appreciated it. I really am starting to believe that my girlfriend is feeling it. More importantly that she knows I truly do love her and am so close to fully unconditional love. I just need to work on my own issues to get over my insecurities.

Speaking of love, it was interesting today that I read my ex-wife’s blog. She mentioned how my ex wrote about me, stating that she thought she met Mr. Right… and that she loved me so much, but I was incapable of loving back.

Let me get arrogant for a moment… because I am usually always negative about myself… But besides an 8th grade relationship… I have Never been dumped. The girls that have finally broken down  and dated me eventually see me for who I am, and understand that I give my all. I only truly regret one relationship where I didn’t give my all. Even then I believe that girl really knew what I was capable of…but due to the situation we had to break up to progress. She and my family knows who that girl was. But in reflecting… I realize that I have taken on the passion of that girl and worked it into my current relationship. I hope it pays off, but in either case she has been someone who I have looked up to on how to love unconditionally. In one way I hope she is reading this blog, but in another way I don’t. In either case I have told her how sorry I was for how I treated her. She is married now and I truly hope she is happy, because she damn well deserves it.

So many girls, including my current girlfriend, really deserve someone who loves them unconditionally. Maybe I broke up with the past girlfriends an wife because I knew I wasn’t fully capable of that. So, does that mean I shouldn’t be dating right now? I don’t know. But interestingly it seems at though most girlfriends I have had marry that person they start dating right after dating me. I am not sure how to interpret that. Even my ex-wife married the first person who dated her (while we were still technically married BTW. I mean getting married about a month after the divorce is final says something, right?). I any case, I am not sure how to interpret myself as being that platform to marriage.

I bring this up because during one of the first dates with my current girlfriend, I stated that if she wanted to get married she should date me… because my ex’s always found their guy right after me. Surprisingly she said to my proposal “No thanks, I’d rather pass”. What does that mean? I don’t really know, but I should just be happy that things are the way they are. I know my girlfriend knows I love her. She hasn’t run away. I need to just focus on letting her know I love her unconditionally, focus on improving myself, and stop being a damn victim.

So, thats all the ramblings for tonight. I have drank a bit and may not fully make sense. Also, I am a bit sad that my girlfriend is not staying at my place. Oh well. Get over it Mike… stop ranting and go to bed (my thoughts). OK. Goodnight ya’ll.

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There are a few changes going on in my life, but life seems still so stagnate. Two examples are;  my girlfriend did move, but hasn’t yet stayed at her new place yet; and my best friend at work was laid off, so wont get to talk to him as often. None of these changes affect me as much as the person who is going through them. However, I feel at a loss in both cases. But maybe in both cases I can find solace in myself. I need to focus on dealing with my own issues and stop playing the victim.

The girlfriend moving out is the hardest thing for me. I will miss the times when she comes home tired and I can rub her feet. I will miss making her breakfast with coffee, as well as just listening to her laugh when I am being stupid. I am glad though that she hasn’t just up and left for good, and especially glad now that we had a talk where she expressed that she didn’t want our relationship to end. I figure, if she really wanted things to end, she would up and leave and never come back. At the same time though, not only has she moved… she is thinking about changing jobs. I work with her and love the opportunity I have to talk with her and bring her lunch everyday. I express my love by doing service and the less opportunity I have to serve her, the less I feel like I can show her my love.

So, what is a boy in love to do? Adapt, I guess. I figure unconditional love has no boundaries and can withstand any change or challenge. I have been reflecting on unconditional love for quite a while, especially where I divorced my wife because I knew the situation was bad. Am I capable of unconditional love? Can I be loving unconditionally but also desire love and affection back? I really don’t know what it means. Jesus was someone who loves unconditionally, and other spiritual leaders seem to be able to love anyone against all odds. I want to personally grow, and unconditional love is my main focus.

I have always tried to be accepting of others, but have a hard time with those that show me dissatisfaction and hatred. It is strange to me that I seem to piss so many people off, even when I really don’t know them. A friend of mine explained that he didn’t really like me until he got to know me, which makes me realize (along with other signs) that I carry some negative vibe. I guess this blog isn’t all that positive, so there is another sign that I need to be more positive.

But  how do I become more positive? My girlfriend and ex-wife always say that I am “such a victim”. Both have been true victims in life, and have reflected a lot on how to get over things and stop being a victim. I question though, just because I express my feelings of doubt and hurt to someone I love… does that make me a victim?

I know who I am, and  know what I am capable of. I know my capacity to love… but I feel like I need that back and don’t always get it. And that is why I reflect on if I am so stuck on myself that I am incapable of unconditional love. But then again, I don’t want to be the guy that everyone walks over. I have allowed to many people to take advantage of my kindness, without any return of favor. I feel like I am being Christlike, but then I realize that although I am that way… it takes someone who doesn’t get bothered about being walked over to be like Jesus.

In any case, I have to go to work… and there is so much more to my thoughts. Maybe I will talk later about things… maybe I need to just shut up and stop whining. In either case, I will write again sometime.

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Well, it sure has been a long time. I haven’t posted recently because so much has been happening, both good and bad. 

I am still having to have supervised visits with my girls, and I supposedly have had the last hearing about the Protective Order against me. I am supposed to set up a class to get friends trained as supervisors, but nothing seems to be working out. My ex-wife gives me limited time to set it up, and then the place that trains my friends has to have their names on some legal document that doesn’t exist yet. Hopefully I can get a hold of my lawyer this week to get everything straightened out, but in the meantime I look like the bad guy who doesn’t care to get things going.

Before the hearing my ex-wife lied to everyone involved about things that went on with me trying to set up the training. Go figure, right? I know she isn’t honest. But it hurts because I did try to set things up, and she wasn’t cooperative. Also the place that does the training has to have everyones name on some legal document which hasn’t yet been created by the courts or my lawyer. In either case, my ex-wife’s layer makes me out to be someone who just doesn’t care. But there is a lot more to that than I care to write about tonight.

So, my girlfriend and I are at a standstill, and I don’t know what is going on. She moved in with me in December and has stated she wants to move out. She has told me she still wants to date exclusively, but feels like my jealousy of her hanging out with other guys is controlling. I have told her that I am a normal guy who questions her intentions to hang with other guys, but I don’t think she realizes that I have never told her she can’t. I may get moody and sad, but I know I am not doing anything which would be controlling. Whenever she has expressed her feelings to go somewhere (with or without anyone else), I always tell her to go. I feel like I am trying to be supportive of when she needs space from me. I guess when I express my feelings she takes it as a way to manipulate, like making her feel guilty.

The question I have is, do I just get over the fact that she has a lot of guy friends or do I express my feelings that I don’t like it when she hangs out with other guys and not me. Don’t get me wrong, she hasn’t really spend too much time with other guys. But, I worry… because she seems to be so unsure about me and likes to spend more time with other people (mostly girls). I just feel like I am the person she will fill her time with when she doesn’t have any other plans.

At work people have commented to me that she seems to spend a lot of time with a particular guy she works with and sits next to. I have expressed my jealousy about him to her, but she claims the guy is a closet case gay… but admits he is cute. I really don’t think he is gay, and even she has said he just doesn’t know he is, and so the more time she spends with her… I start to wonder. Especially when she never has taken a break with me and do anything, but she has with him. How am I supposed to feel? I know we see each other at home and so I have been telling myself that she needs her breaks to do something without me. But I wish that once in a while, she would go out with me. Instead, I bring or buy her lunch almost everyday.

So… am I just jealous without cause? Well there is a lot more to everything than I will admit through my blog. I respect her and wont write about things that may make her look like a bad person. Because… she really is a great girl. Way better than my ex-wife.

But to get to the chase… we supposedly have broken up. But then again, it seems like she isn’t sure.

She was looking to move out but still date me exclusively. However, the way things were before she moved in with my was much more sporadic. It seemed like I never saw her, or talked to her much, and she gave a lot of excuses why she couldn’t hang out when plans were made. Well, I don’t want to go back to that… so I told her that I couldn’t date her if we weren’t living together. Basically because that would mean we are taking a step back. I want us to move forward and I can’t deal with going back to the way things were. She has already started spending less time with me this last month, and has hung out with other people on nights when she made plans with me.

Last night I expressed to her that I am not willing to take a step back, when she told me she was set on moving out without me. But then this morning she came into the room I was sleeping in to cuddle with me for about a half hour. She stated she was up that night sleeping and is confused about everything. Then I made her breakfast, we kissed twice, and she went to work. It seemed like maybe there is a chance that she will change her mind about not living with me… but then again who knows.

So I am stuck at an impasse. I am not willing to go backwards on a relationship, but I also don’t want to lose the girl I really care for. I love this girl, but it just doesn’t seem like she feels the same way. I feel I have been patient, understanding, willing to bend over backwards on just about everything. So, am I wrong to end a relationship over not living with each other? I truly believe that isn’t the key issue, but it will be the fulcrum point in whether we stay together or not.

I know this kind of stuff happens in a lot of relationships, and most of the friends I know that try taking a step back ultimately break up… badly. I feel like relationship can be different, and have hope that this issue can be something we work through and we will even have a better relationship. I am trying hard to put my jealousy issues aside and let her know that I am here for her. I hope that helps her know how much I care. But then again… as I have said before… nice guys don’t win.

If I was hot and more manly, then maybe she would be more into me and willing to stay because she is so attracted to me. But I am not, so instead I try hard to please her in other ways… to the point that the people who know both of us ask me why I do it. I just think that in love you should give everything you have got. Thats what I am doing. I am hoping she sees me for the guy that I am, and decides to love me for it. I believe she has to get over the fact that I am not perfect, and definitely not a well built sex machine… but am a guy that is different and will do basically anything for her. 

Anyway… I am not sure if we are broken up yet… or if this is just a bump in our relationship… but that is what is on my mind. I love her, and wished that she could accept my love and move forward with me instead of backwards.

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OK, so I know it has been sometime since I have last written. Mostly it is a good thing, as life has been busy and treating me OK. The holidays were good, and not only did I get to see my family but so did my girlfriend. I was invited to meet her family as well, and I would say things went well in each situation. In either case, the nervousness of meeting each others family is over with and it can be seen as a mile stone in the relationship. Of course, it didn’t hurt that the holidays were fast approaching when I started dating her.

So, a lot has been on my mind. Most of which I will not share, but I have valid reasons. One of which is the possibility of my girlfriend reading this blog and taking something wrong. And as much as I want be able to write whatever is on my mind, it may not serve in my best interest. My therapist did say that I share to much of how I feel and I should be more conservative in opening up and just saying whatever is on my mind.

Besides the obvious holiday events, the only real thing to write about is my girls and how much I miss them. I only got to see them for about two hours on Christmas and not before or after. Lexi was a bit hard on Christmas, partially because she met my girlfriend for the first time. But other than that, she was busy with her cousins and all else was well. 

This last Saturday I had set up time to see both Lexi and Isabelle again. Shauna only allowed for a three and a half hour window, but I had to take it. Unfortunately, I made a mistake. Before the girls came over, I had a beer. One beer, but it was an IPA which has a pretty strong sent and flavor. When Shauna brought over the girls she started talking to me about visitation and setting up the supervised visits (which haven’t happened yet, by the way. And it may not ever get set up.) While talking with Shauna she smelled the beer from my breath and asked if I had been drinking. That is when all hell broke loose…

I admitted to her that I had had a beer and Shauna reacted negatively, of course. I then asked what was wrong. She said that she didn’t feel the girls were safe with me…

Now forget that my friend Randee was already there interacting with the girls (they love her). What is the harm in having one beer? Of course nothing, and even Shauna admitted that there was noting illegal and that she was worried that I was more affectionate than normal. I tried to explain that my affection had noting to do with the beer, but instead the fact that I hadn’t really seen my girls for a month and I really missed them.

In any case, the short of it is Shauna waited around, I almost got in a fight with her husband (cause he wouldn’t shut the crap up), and ultimately Shauna came back in a took the girls home 20 minutes later. Both girls were crying, and all I could say was that I wanted them to stay and that I loved them.

Oh, how much I miss them. And it seems like hope for normality is so far away. How much I hate Shauna’s over reaction and instigation of issues. Sure I realize now that I shouldn’t have drank the beer, but not because it was wrong… but because I should have known it would cause an issue. Stupid me….

Anyhow, I may write more soon… but then again life has a way of providing distractions. Hopefully, the distractions will be good in the future…

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I haven’t updated in a while, but it is because lots of things have been going on. Mostly two things, which I will finally write about. I am too lazy to review my last posts, but if my memory serves me right I haven’t stated that the girl I have been dating is now “officially” a girlfriend.

And most recently, she moved in with me. Kinda weird being on a full sized bed together… but it’s not like I haven’t had that happen before. Most of my girlfriends would stay over each night, so I am kinda used to the small space. She has a queen sized bed, so hopefully soon we will be sleeping on that rather than this bed. I know the full sized bed isn’t very comfortable for her. Also, I am a bit of a pack rat, so I had to really move and clean stuff out to get her space to put clothes and all. She has talked about getting a place in SLC, and has invited me to move in with her if she does. It would be nice to be closer to work. Anyhow, that is that… and so far it is good.

The other issue that is on my mind most recently is figuring out how to get people certified to help me see my girls for the next while. Thing is, I have to come up with $125 to have people go through a class, and trying to arrange everyone to be able to take the class at once is an issue. Most have been able to agree on a time, but then when I run it past Shauna, she always has a damn excuse. She has to be there, so I can’t just arrange it with everyone else and get it done. Funny thing is, she said she wouldn’t make things difficult… but IMHO… she already has.

Also, I have been calling the place which does the certification the past two weeks and haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone. I finally called the main branch in Provo and got a hold of someone today. Before they can set up the classes, they want all this paperwork from the court, with each persons name, and to have each person sign an affidavit. I was hoping to finally arrange a time for this Saturday (Shauna gave me a 1.5 hour window to work with), but it appears it wont be happening this weekend. And what frustrates me even further is that Christmas is coming up and it will probably be impossible to get everyone to agree on a time. If I wait until after the holidays, the Protective Order will be almost over and I wont need anyone to help. So I would be paying $125 for basically nothing. Errggghh

Work has no OT, bills are piling up, and of course I need to find money for Christmas gifts. I hate to think it, but I don’t think I can give the girls a good Christmas this year. Shauna will go all out, of course, so I know Lexi will feel disappointed in me. Lexi wants a camcorder for Christmas… lol… sounds a lot like me when I was a kid. Oh well…

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